I’ve been reading your advice Tumblr for about 2 months, give or take, now – and while at the time I wasn’t at a point in my life where I desperately needed an answer to a question from a perceptive and anonymous quasi-blogger, I am definitely there now.

My father was brilliant and handsome – legitimately a genius, but often as the result of a neglectful childhood and bad influences, he was molded into a rebellious drug addict with few other options to influence him otherwise. I get that this already sounds like the cliched plot to some half-assed ABC Family show, because it kind of is in its own way. Basically, my mother and father got married at a young age, eventually had me (their only kid) and divorced due to my dads lifestyle and being an ill-fit father despite the obvious love for me. After 1st grade, I never saw him again until I spend Christmas of 2008 at his side of the families house, saw him there, and we began talking (I was 18 at the time). He’s a heroin addict of a high caliber – he spent 9 years of his life debilitated on skid row, his legs are swollen and hardened due to syringe abuse, he is HIV+ with hep. C. He’s married to a girl who went through all of that with him, but she’s legitimately clean now, going to a community college and planning on transferring to get her degree, so you’d think the influence would wear off. Well, it hasn’t.

I really loved my dad as a kid, he was my end all be all. His sudden absence in my life really devastated me in a deep way – to the point where I would have tears in my eyes at the thought of him (and I’m really not an openly emotional person) and my relationship with men always fell flat due to my mistrust of their ‘dedication’. I get the feeling this is starting to stupidly drag on, but I want to know how I can help him get out of addiction. He’s no longer on the streets and has an apartment of his own, but how do you get a 42 year old drug addict who has a disease-induced death sentence to embrace life as it once was and for the better? I want this man in my life. I do love him but he’s so headstrong it’s VERY difficult to get through to him. How do I go about helping him make his life better?

I know I can’t make someone do anything they don’t want to do. I learned that shit the hard way long before this. But I don’t want someone dying on my watch. That’s just a little too much for me.

Your dad is going to die.

It probably won’t be tomorrow. It might not be for ten years. Regardless of when it happens, you need to be emotionally prepared. You need to embrace the inevitability of his premature death, and know in your heart of hearts that you are not responsible for the way he lives nor the way he ultimately will die.

I’m not suggesting you enable his addiction. Quite the opposite. Keep fighting the good fight, even though you’re going to lose. That’s the trick, really — you have to recognize that admitting defeat is not the same thing as giving up.

Protecting yourself emotionally will be an exercise in advanced compartmentalization, the kind of harsh stuff that turns a girl into a woman. You’ll have to compartmentalize your love for the man who is your father, and then isolate that love from the various stages of grief you’ll continue to feel regarding your father’s eventual drug-related death.

Based on the way you talk about your situation, it seems like you’re already moving through the stages of grief. By saying, “I know I can’t make someone do anything they don’t want to do,” it seems that you’re not in denial about the situation. After all, you “learned that shit the hard way long before this.”

After denial comes anger, and based on your tone, that stage seems to have come and gone as well.

You strike me as someone who’s in the bargaining stage. You’re looking for false hope. Just the act of writing to me is a kind of bargaining. It’s as if you’re saying, “maybe this Coke Talk bitch knows a trick and can get me a hall pass for my dad’s addiction.” Nope. Sorry. Wish I could, but that ain’t the way it works.

The shitty part is that the next stage of grief is depression. It’s the stage where you face the certainty of the situation and start to disconnect. That’s why the compartmentalization is key here, because you’re going through these stages of grief while your father is still alive. There’s a part of your father that you have to acknowledge is already gone, and you have to disconnect and mourn the loss, all while another part of you still celebrates that he’s alive.

It’s a cognitive backflip, but if you pull it off, it will lead to an acceptance of the painful truth without sacrificing your relationship.

Your dad is going to die a premature, drug-related death. Come to accept that free from any responsibility.

At the same time, get to know him as a man and love him as a father.

Good luck.

i have a querstion.

im dating this man, but he’s living with his parents. he’s graduating in may with his degree, but is being charged with felony failure to render aid because of an accident he got into last year. he really is an amazing man, who has had no type of problems with the law in the past. i went to see him yesterday and he was drinking and told me that he wanted to see me today. when i left and got home, i didnt hear from him AT ALL. until 3 am he told me he had just woken up. i texted him this morning and asked if i was still invited over but i didn’t hear anything from him. i called him around noon and he told me that he was hung over and was going to go back to sleep. am i wrong for, i didn’t freak out on him but i vented to my friends, getting upset because he couldn’t call me or text me at all??

he asked me when i was going to be his girlfriend, and i said whenever he asked me. but he responds with ‘when are you going to be my girlfriend? today or tomorrow?’ am i wrong for wanting him to ask me ‘would you be my girlfriend?’ or something like that instead of ‘WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND?’ i asked him why he doesn’t ask me normally and he says because he’s scared of me and what i’d say. should i dump him because he’s a wimp? should i put up with his shit until his court thing is over? or should i break it off for until its over and through? i really like him alot, but not enough to waste my time or play stupid games. please give me your best advice 🙂 thank youu!

Really? Wow. You’re a fucking idiot. I mean, even for a twelve year old, your level of emotional intelligence is frighteningly low. It’s not that I don’t care what you do, it’s that I honestly can’t give you any advice.

I suppose I could tell you to start reading existentialist philosophy in a quest for self-realization, but who are we kidding? Jersey Shore re-runs are about to start, and you want a stranger on the internet to help scold your alcoholic boyfriend who will undoubtedly find a way to knock you up before he starts serving time for felony hit and run, thus bolstering the supply of potential cast members for next season of MTV’s 16 and Pregnant.

Actually, wait. That is one thing you can do. Don’t ever go off your birth control. Seriously, people like you shouldn’t breed.

If this hurts your feelings, ask yourself why.

My boyfriend and I have been fighting entirely too much lately, and to put it bluntly, it fucking sucks. I rely on him for a place to live and for my er, needs. Breaking up is a non-option both because of what I just mentioned, and because I love the guy, I just don’t love the fights. For some reason we just can’t do anything without one of us over reacting about what the other said. What do you suggest we do?

Quit brawling and learn how to box.

You’re fighters. Fine. Embrace it and start a training regimen. Develop some conflict resolution skills so your fights are constructive instead of destructive. Take a class.

If it’s really bad, go to couples counseling. Consider it training camp. Consider it renting a referee. Hell, consider it Fight Club — whatever it takes to get you two communicating and resolving conflict in a healthy manner.

Part two of On Your Boyfriend’s Crazy Ex:

So I’ve been dumped.

Didn’t have the time/balls to talk to him about it before his three-week long holiday departure, and within four days of his return he broke it off stating that it wasn’t fair for him to be with me when he maybe might still have an emotional connection with someone else (the psycho.) The thing is he consistently insists that he still does not want to get back together with her. A mutual friend of mine claims (though she hasn’t confirmed yet and i’m not sure if I want her to) that he still has feelings for me and is just going through a bad patch, figuring out his emotions and whatnot.

Is it worth my while waiting around a bit before moving on like a big girl should in case he does in fact have a change of heart? Should I even want to get back together with him?

Cheers.

Should you want to get back together? Nope. Hell, if you can even ask that question then you’re not that emotionally invested, so why bother?

He’s busy getting over a crazy ex. You’re not in love. Why wait around for damaged goods?

The timing is off. Shit happens. Remember him fondly and move on.

im 17 and my boyfriend has a key to my house. when i was flying back to my mom’s, he asked me what time my dad would be picking me up from the airport. while my dad was picking me up, someone went into my house. when i looked around, all i saw missing was an ipod dock. a couple days later, my dad realized his pricey camera was missing. when i was going through my browser history, i happened to see that my boyfriend had a reply in his e-mail about selling a camera. when i got into his e-mail, there were several replies to craigslist ads that he had posted previously. i went to go found the ad on craigslist and sure enough it was my camera..
i confronted him about it, but he keeps denying it. he called me a dick for thinking that my own boyfriend would steal from me. since i went through his e-mail, i already knew that he hadn’t sold it yet and i told him as proof to take a picture of the serial number on the bottom of the camera he has (i really, really wanted to believe him). instead he told me that he had already sold the camera to a guy named randy. i had already seen the e-mail from a guy so i took his e-mail address to ask him about the camera and he replied, saying he never got it. my boyfriend says swears on everything he didn’t do it. i couldn’t bring myself to break up with him even though its been so obvious he’s lying. idk where im going with this, honestly. i just think i wanna know exactly what to do?

Here’s exactly what you do:

First, have your dad change the locks. I’m not kidding about this. Make him call a locksmith. It’s not that expensive to get the locks re-keyed, and neither of you can afford to have your thieving ex-boyfriend running around with a key to the house. Don’t even bother asking for your old key back. I guarantee that he’d just make a copy before returning it to you, if he hasn’t already.

Next, cut off all contact with your now ex-boyfriend. That’s right. You two are broken up. You don’t have to call him and tell him. It’s simply over. If he tries to contact you, ignore him. He’s a liar and a thief. Even if he’s innocent of the robbery (which he isn’t), he called you a dick when you confronted him, and that kind of manipulative dominant behavior is reason enough to end the relationship. If you have anything of his at your place, sell it or burn it. Tell your friends and parents that you’ve cut him out of your life and that you want their help in keeping him away.

Finally, both you and your dad need to call the local police department. Tell them you want to report a break-in and robbery. The cops will be lazy douchebags, but make them come out and file a report. Give them all the details, including who you think did it. Don’t expect much of a follow-up investigation, but keep a copy of the police report on file.

There’s no need to waste energy trying to recover the stolen property. I promise it’s not worth it. Consider it a hard lesson, cut your losses, and just walk away. Ending the relationship and filing a police report is enough to keep you from being a victim here.

In the future, listen to your gut. Stop wanting to believe people. Pick better boyfriends, specifically ones where you don’t feel the need to go through their e-mail.

Be strong and good luck.

My two closest friends, a guy and a girl, are dating. When the three of us first starting hanging out, they had sex on a pretty regular basis but were just “friends”. That was fine with me because I had no feelings for her or anything, but then she ended up showing interest in me, too. Her and I started hanging out without the other dude and I started to like her too. Unfortunately, though, I didn’t make a move when I had the chance and basically blew it with her. She ended up asking if I was trying to start a relationship with her and when I said yes, said she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship at the time. Though soon after, she started dating the other guy. Well, actually, she calls him her boyfriend, but he assures me that they’re just friends. I think he thinks he’s doing me a favor by hiding their relationship since he knows I was interested in her but I don’t know. We all still occasionally hang out but I get pretty uncomfortable seeing them together. I’d rather not lose my only two friends but I’m also getting sick of feeling like I’m gonna vomit when I see them flirting with each other. So what should I do? Continue being a third wheel? Lose touch with them completely? What?

The situation sucks, but you’re not really in love. It’s just an unrequited crush, and you’re swallowing more pride than anything else. It’s not worth losing friends over a bruised ego.

You’re only a third wheel if you act like one, so the best solution is to stop giving a fuck and find another girl.

Besides, don’t you watch romantic comedies? Right around the time you form a fresh relationship, your friend will express interest in you again, forcing you to choose between the old and the new.

You gotta love the predictability of a classic love triangle.