Dear Coquette Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions. Thu, 27 Aug 2015 04:01:40 +0000 en hourly 1 On fun-sized advice Thu, 27 Aug 2015 04:01:33 +0000 the more time passes that frank ocean doesn’t release anything, the more pressure he puts on himself to make sure the albums “perfect” and the less likely he is to release anything…..please say it isn’t so. do you think he’s just being a dick by not saying anything? Im asking you because you are like a pencil sharpener of pop culture and public relations savvy (not to mention psychology and partying). We are the pencils I guess LOVE YOU
As in all things, not releasing can be more exquisite than the release. Let that be your lesson.

Is Donald Trump as terrifying as he seems?
Nah, Trump is a clown. It’s the people who would vote for him that are terrifying.

Is it possible to ask for more communication and/or more time together in a relationship while still remaining casual?
Yes. Ask for what you want. Know what it is and be specific, but just fucking ask.

Is it acceptable to be more attracted to one race than to others?
Not when you make it about race. (Cultural conditioning affects what you find attractive. It’s not your fault that your attraction is conditioned by hegemonic beauty standards, but you should recognize how those standards play an insidious role in systemic racism.)

Chère Coquette, I’m 40 years old, divorced 5 years ago and just starting to feel better after a long grief of having become a broken family (fuck you, ex-husband) and a depression related to this event. I have an amazing 11 years old daughter, I love my job and own a great apartment in the coolest part of Montreal. Why do I feel stalled, stuck and unable to start the next chapter of my life?
Because you still feel the need to say “fuck you” to your ex husband.

Do you have any advice on how to write college app essays when you feel completely uninspired by the prompts? Btw, thanks for everything Coquette. You answered an ask of mine once when I was in middle school, feels like it’s sort of come full circle <3
Write *around* the prompts. Just pour yourself into the essay. Having a clear voice is more important than following the letter of the question.

PLEASE comment on the raid of’s headquarters. From your perspective, what was the real motive behind it?
Motive? Please. The entire Department of Homeland Security is bored and stupid. They literally have nothing better to do.

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On getting “pozzed” Wed, 26 Aug 2015 21:01:21 +0000 Alright, Coquette. I’ve written to you before, and every time it feels like the end of the world, but something has happened that has me feeling closer to the abyss than ever.

I’m a gay guy. Fucked around with this gorgeous dude in a sex-on-premises venue the other night while drunk. He put it in without protection, but didn’t finish (to my knowledge) and was frankly, quite flaccid throughout the experience. I asked him if he knew his status, as I wasn’t expecting nor prepared for what happened – it happened quite quickly – and needed to know what road I should go down. He told me he was HIV-negative, that I was fine, that it was all good. I weighed my options and risks, and went, fuck it, I’ll move on with my life.

I discovered a profile on a gay “dating” website two days later – some dude, advertising his home address and his desire to be penetrated by anyone with any disease, and penetrate others to spread his. That not only was he HIV-positive, but he had other stuff as well. The photos looked a lot like the guy I saw that morning. I thought to myself, surely not. But my anxiety prevailed, so I sent him a message asking his whereabouts on Friday morning.

At which point he made it abundantly clear through his response, that not only was it him who fucked me, but he enjoyed “pozzing” me. He loved breeding me with his positive load. I’m not even fucking joking. He literally bragged to me about how happy he was that he’d no doubt infected me with HIV.

I got onto the stop-you-getting-HIV meds in time, but I’m fucking distraught. I should know better than to do this shit, but sometimes you fuck up, you know? I could have avoided the situation, but I don’t expect every guy I have “whoopsie” unprotected sex with to respond with “I fucking pozzed you”.

I’ve been lying in bed for two whole days, just trying to process what’s happened. I don’t know how else to describe this, but I feel like I’ve been raped. Like I’m still stuck on ‘Did that happen?’ – and like I’ve been hollowed out.

How the fuck do I handle this ?


I am so sorry this happened to you.

What this piece of shit did to you is a serious crime, and I strongly suggest that you report him to the police as soon as possible.

Normally I’d tell you to process this in your own way, but this is obviously not an isolated incident. Clearly he does this regularly and will do it again, and since other people’s safety is at risk, I hope you feel some sense of obligation to try and stop him.

I recognize how deeply you’ve been violated here. This is a big deal, and I’m glad you had the wherewithal to get the post-exposure prophylaxis. You’ll probably be okay, but stay on top of your status, and understand that this is gonna fuck with your head for a while.

Whenever you’re ready, you should definitely seek out some counseling. The feeling that you’ve been raped is perfectly valid. You were sexually violated, and this is sexual trauma. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you experienced some PTSD-like symptoms as a result of this incident, so the sooner you start seeing a therapist, the better.

Keep taking care of yourself, and please keep me updated as you report this man to the authorities.

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On going along for the ride Tue, 25 Aug 2015 14:58:18 +0000 My parents fell in love at first sight, got married within a year of meeting, have never argued and after thirty years of marriage are still hot for each other.

I don’t believe that everyone finds the sort of love my parents have, and I have seen evidence of the many different types of love and life-long partnerships that can work just as well.

My father believes in making your own luck and calls bullshit on religion, and yet after discovering how cynical I am at only 23, he has unbelievably begun to lecture me incessantly about how I need to open myself up to the universe in order to find my ‘soulmate’.

I am obviously not asking your opinion about soulmates, but rather about the concept of ‘settling’.

A man has recently proposed to me, and with that proposal comes the expectation we will have children before his 40th birthday, which is much sooner than I ever anticipated. However, I now have an opportunity to travel to places I never could have without him. I’ll have a house in Sydney (no small feat), no university debt and the opportunity to work in the industry I want without having to worry about money.

I will be ‘settling’ for someone I didn’t love straight away, but I feel saying no to something solid on the off-chance the universe could, maybe, deliver something better is a ridiculous concept.

Should I listen to my father or go along for the ride?

Your father is the guy who thinks he can give financial advice because he won the lottery. He just wants you to be happy, which is sweet, but that doesn’t mean his expectations for you are tethered to any kind of reality. If he has a specific problem with your relationship, let him voice it, but feel free to dismiss anything he has to say about finding your soulmate. Sure, it’s a charming sentiment coming from your dad, but it’s utterly useless as practical advice and potentially harmful if incorporated into your world view.

Now, as for your suitor. If you want to marry him, go right ahead, but don’t do it for the passport stamps, and don’t let him treat you like a broodmare. (He doesn’t get to decide when you get pregnant.) Do it because you love him and you want to build a life with him as an equal partner. If there’s confusion about whether you love each other, whether you’re equal partners, or whether you have similar visions for the kind of life you want to build together, please take all the time you need to figure it out, but don’t make this decision about whether the universe might deliver something better. (That’s not how the universe works.)

You aren’t settling if you actively choose to marry him. You aren’t settling if you actively choose not to. The only way you would be settling is if you sit back and passively “go along for the ride.” You are the one who makes this decision for yourself — not your dad, not your boyfriend, and not fate. You.

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On fun-sized advice Sun, 23 Aug 2015 04:57:12 +0000 True or false: If you truly love someone, being faithful is easy.
False. If you truly have integrity, being faithful is easy. Do not confuse love and integrity. Love is just an emotional state, and regardless of how deeply or intensely it may be felt, it’s still not a measure of the content of your character.

I’m not gorgeous, nor beautiful, nor even quite pretty. I’m honestly rather average. I know his flaws, both physical and personality-wise, and he knows mine, but my question is purely vain/physical: why, when he can and has dated model-material, would a man like that settle for someone like me?
Because you’re better than them.

A dude I know on a semi-acquaintance, semi-friend basis is constantly talking about how much he likes “positive” things and people, and disdains “negative” things and people. Can you help me understand why this way of thinking pisses me off so fucking much?
He’s a blustering idiot who thinks he’s stumbled onto profundity by parroting a circular philosophy that amounts to “positive things are good” and “negative things are bad.” The fancy word for that kind of thinking is a tautology, and it pisses you off because his entire world view is an exercise in vacuous redundancy.

How do you initiate an “open the relationship” talk with your partner of 5+ years?
Get yourself a copy of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. It’s exactly what you need.

I have zero interest in going to my 10 year high school reunion, do you think I should go anyways?
Yeah, why not? This is one of those times where you should do what makes for the better story.

I just got dumped, and it hurts like hell. Any tips for dealing with the crushing sense of loneliness and hopelessness that has accompanied it?
Enjoy the pain. (I’m serious. It can be savored. Just don’t wallow in it. Respect the heartbreak as an important part of life, and then let it pass as quickly as possible.)

Can you elaborate on what it means to be innocent, as used in your last post?
That kind of innocence is the forgivable form of ignorance. It’s not knowing any better. It’s the reason why they say it’s bliss.

Sooo… if self help books are for losers, what does that make your blog then?
Fucking brilliant.

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On not going places Sat, 22 Aug 2015 15:56:45 +0000 Hi, Coquette. Honestly, I’m not sure what I’m doing. I’ll be 26 in 2 months, I’ve dropped out of school hmmm… 4 times now? I’m in massive amounts of debt. I currently don’t have enough to make rent next month so I’m taking a bus from my dream city back to my hometown. I just got fired from the best job (on paper, at least) that I’ve ever had. The only serious relationship I’ve had was emotionally and physically abusive (that ended about 2 years ago). And I still don’t know what I want to do with my life, or how to dig myself out. I read a lot new age-y self-help stuff about staying positive and shit because I’ve dealt with depression on and off and it seems to help. But honestly, I just want someone to give it to me straight – is there any way out of this? I wasn’t always this way – I was a star student and the girl that was “going places”, and I just want to be productive and happy and driven again.

What the fuck? Fired from the only decent job you’ve ever had? Dropped out of school four times? New age self-help books? Ugh. You’re a fucking disaster.

You were never going places. You were never productive and driven. Get that public high school pep-talk bullshit out of your head, because you’re remembering yourself as happy during a time when all you were was innocent.

Stop romanticizing the past, because the brutal truth is that you were weak and unprepared. You couldn’t cut it in college. You can’t hold down a job, and now you’ve got a one way bus ticket back to what I’m guessing is one of your family member’s guest rooms.

Yeah, your life fucking sucks right now. You’re getting your ass thoroughly kicked by the real world, and you’re not even bothering to give me a list of excuses — probably because you know I’d call you out on them.

Please, do yourself a favor. Take all your stupid self-help books down to the local thrift store and trade them in for one decent Tina Turner album. I swear to everything holy that you’ll get more useful inspiration out of one of her B-sides than you will from an entire wall full of positive-thinking books.

I’m serious. Self help books are for fucking losers, and staying positive for people like you means living in a constant state of denial. Stop blowing sunshine up your own ass. Your life is a steaming pile of shambles, and a bunch of smiley-faced wish-thinking won’t make it any better.

The only way out of your situation is through slow and steady progress. It will not be easy. It will not be fun. You need to come to terms with the inevitability that you are going to have to work a shitty job, and since you’re a flighty mess, you’re going to have to summon all your willpower just to hold that job down.

You don’t get to sulk. You don’t get to whine. You have to be thankful and grateful and show up every day with a good attitude. (There’s your positive fucking thinking for you.) You will do this week-in and week-out for the rest of your life. Maybe you’ll meet a guy who doesn’t treat you like shit, and maybe you’ll squeeze out a rugrat or two, but odds are good that you’re never leaving your hometown again.

And you know what? You’ll be just fine.

You’ll make your way. You’ll have your set of friends. You’ll do some cute local Etsy shit on the side to occupy your spare time, and then one day you’ll wake up and realize that this is all there is to American adulthood. It’s all there ever was.

The whole time you thought you were “digging yourself out,” that was actually your life, and sure, it could’ve been easier, and it would’ve been nice to have more money, but really, on the whole, it wasn’t all that bad.

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On more fun-sized advice Tue, 18 Aug 2015 18:22:50 +0000 How do I ease my emotional pain without: drinking, doing drugs, overeating, or buying shit I don’t need?
Exercise, meditation, therapy, or any number of overt acts of self-care.

Why is it so easy to make painfully stupid decisions when it comes to love and relationships, even for people who generally display decent judgment elsewhere?
Because drugs impair judgment, and love is one helluva drug.

What do you do when you get offered an interview but can’t afford to get there?
Arrange for a Skype interview. (And don’t take no for an answer.)

Why are some men so afraid of requiring enthusiastic consent before they have sex with a woman.
Anyone objecting to an obligation of enthusiastic sexual consent is a weak, entitled piece of shit who should be called out as a potential rapist.

I’ve gained weight and I absolutely hate the way I look. I feel like I hate myself more and more every day. Besides getting therapy, what can I do?
Either lose the fucking weight, or lose the negative self-image you’ve attached to having gained it. Neither way is easy, but they’re both better than a whiny pile of self-loathing.

I cut my hair for the first time in 5 years, and various acquaintances react with the simple line “oh, you cut your hair.” I’ve made a huge mistake, haven’t I?
Not a huge mistake. At most, you’ve made a temporary one.

How should I (24/f) respond to people when they say “but you’re so young!” when they find out I’m getting married?
Tell them your fiancé has a twelve inch penis. (If they’re going to make you uncomfortable, the least you could do is return the favor.)

Ever feel like a mess?
Hot and constantly.

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On fun-sized advice Sun, 16 Aug 2015 13:28:40 +0000 I have had numerous men tell me in so many words that I’m unlovable. It’s clear they think I’m smart, fun, pretty, etc, but I don’t evoke an emotional response in them. How do I interpret this? How do I not let it (continue to) ruin my self-esteem?
Nope, nope, nope. Unlovable is your word, not theirs. You are not unloveable. You simply have a pattern of picking emotionally unavailable men. Pick better men, and while you’re at it, stop letting their faults inform your self-image.

So what happens if Sanders does win the democratic nomination? I want him be president, but I’m afraid his apparent radicalism would put off people in the middle who could be influenced to sway and we’d end up with Trump or Bush.
Jesus Fuckstick Christ, BERNIE SANDERS IS NOT A RADICAL. He’s just a good ol’ fashioned liberal with a populist agenda. Hell, he’s not even politically to the left of FDR, and he still gets labeled a bleeding heart socialist because he gives a shit about the working class and can’t be bought with corporate money. (And there is no middle anymore. There’s just a vast swath of insufferably ill-informed undecided half-wits who are too apathetic to even bother voting against their own economic interest.)

How do you find the courage to ask for therapy? I know I need it but I hate the idea of someone else knowing that.
I understand how vulnerable it makes you feel to ask, but please know that everyone needs therapy. Everyone. It doesn’t make you weak, sick, or broken in any way. Go ahead. Take the next step. You can do this.

Can someone change leagues through exercising, diet, promotions in their field of work, surgery, reading more books and improving their intellect?
Sure, you can change leagues, but try not to lose sight of what game you’re playing.

Why do I fantasize about having sex with his friends?
Partly because it’s forbidden. Partly because they’re within easy reach for fantasizing. Mostly because it turns you on. (Hey, that’s what fantasies are for.)

Does cultural appropriation exist on Halloween?
Of course it does. Halloween is cultural appropriation’s biggest night where a bunch of ignorant white people dress up as racists without ever realizing it.

What’s the difference between having a short-term crush and needing to get a dick?
Are you more interested in the dick, or the human being attached to it?

Coke, which e-commerce platform did you use for your jewelry/handbag business?
Big Cartel. I highly recommend them for small online stores.

Favorite nic cage movie? (Please say the wicker man, please say the wicker man)
Raising Arizona

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On an interesting couple Sat, 15 Aug 2015 20:35:38 +0000 Five years ago I was a happy hooker in Manhattan living a carefree existence and dating an amazing guy. Easy going, funny, caring, hot as fuck, same playful worldview as me. When he had to move away for a few months I decided to let the relationship fade as letting it run its natural course would likely have ended in heartbreak (at 25 he said he had at least a decade before wanting to settle down; at 31 I knew I wanted a child at some point and didn’t have 10 years to wait to start).

Enter 42 year old handsome ad exec client of mine. We start dating, I quit my job, quit partying, and re-entered the 9-5 workforce. We have endless conversations about my ability to be monogamous (I can) because he’s been cheated on. We fall in love fast and in less than a year decide to get pregnant and move in. All seems to be running smoothly until 2 months after our son is born when I come across evidence that he had lied about a past divorce (2 not 1) and then a few weeks later that he had been seeing sex workers for the last year. Over the course of a few months and therapy I decide to stay. He says it was self destructive behavior because he thought my pregnancy-induced ambivalence towards him (I was) meant I would leave him (I wouldn’t). Things got better, but we never recovered fully. A year and a half later he was offered a job in Portland and I said – fuck it, new start, new adventure.

We’ve been here a year and a half and I have no regrets about the decisions I’ve made. I obviously ignored some large red flags, but I love my son. I love Portland. If we broke up I would be happy to stay here (as in, wouldn’t feel trapped).

But we constantly go through the following cycle:

1. He confuses my introversion for indifference and becomes a cranky bastard.
2. I pull away because my father was a very cranky bastard.
3.  I fantasize constantly about the guy who I dated just before him. He was a beam of fucking light.
4. At this point the distance between us is tangible.
3. Blow up. The end is near. Silence. Agree to sort it out. Family unit. Blah blah.

Rinse. Repeat.

His worst fear is that I am only with him because he is generally sensible and responsible, has a good job, etc.

That’s why I’m with him.

I love him but if he was a loaf or a shitty dad I would have been gone a long time ago. The lust has faded and other than our shared love of our son I don’t know how much we actually have in common.

There’s not even a question in there. I want you to read the tea leaves I suppose.


It seems as though you’ve split the difference between settling and settling down. In that sense, you’re like most women who marry in their thirties for the sake of having a child.

Also, you’re right on schedule for the lust to have faded. That happens to all couples after a few years, especially when you throw parenthood into the mix.

You acknowledge your faults (ambivalence to near indifference) and you acknowledge that he is a good husband and father in some generic, outwardly visible sense. That’s all good stuff to know about yourself, but what you don’t seem to recognize is how easily you’re able to change your own history for the sake of your present emotional state, especially with regard to your prior relationship.

I promise you, beam-of-fucking-light guy wasn’t all that special. He was just young and wild. Hell, so were you. I’m not trying to insult your memory of him or denigrate the relationship. What you two had together was very real, and I’m sure he was a great guy, but he wasn’t magical. You were just in love, and now you’re heaping all your “what might have been” fantasies onto your memory of him.

You’re making beam-of-fucking-light guy out to be much better than he actually was. (Yes, you are.) That’s not fair to you, that’s not fair to him, and that’s not fair to your husband.

Now, as for your husband, his worst fear is NOT that you’re only with him because he is a good provider. That’s merely your interpretation of his inherent low self-esteem, which he otherwise is well-practiced at hiding.

His worst fear is that he is unlovable.

This is a man who throughout his life has regularly and continually paid women for sex and affection. You were one of those women, and believe me when I tell you that there is a dark sticky place in his psyche that you’re never allowed to see where he has some major issues with women, and that part of him is tied directly to his fear of being unlovable. (I can’t even begin to explain all the mommy issues involved here.)

If it weren’t for your son, it’s plainly obvious that the two of you would already be divorced — his 3rd apparently — and you would have already fallen in love with someone else. (That’s your larger pattern, interrupted only by motherhood.)

That doesn’t mean you two can’t have a happy marriage. You can, and it doesn’t have to end in divorce. The good news is you two on some fundamental level have always respected one another. Even at the ass-end of one of your blow-up cycles, neither of you have lost respect for the other.

That’s your saving grace. You can build on that. I recommend you two start seeing a relationship therapist regularly to help the process, but it’s time for you both to start a new kind of partnership, one in which you both shift and refine your ideas about love.

You need to mutually acknowledge that lust fades over time. You need to mutually accept that the two of you have complex sexual and emotional needs, and it’s unreasonable to expect that all those needs can be met by just one person. Furthermore, you need to mutually acknowledge that just because your spouse doesn’t meet all of your sexual and emotional needs, that doesn’t mean you two can’t be a healthy, loving couple.

I promise, you can. As long as there’s mutual respect, you can make it. You may have to fly in the face of tradition, but given your mutual histories, I doubt you’ll have much problem with writing your own rules to your marriage.

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On fun-sized advice Wed, 12 Aug 2015 21:35:01 +0000 I bought a dildo that’s not necessarily too big, but too rigid. I can’t use it and I can’t return it, obviously. Any ideas? Maybe something decorative.
Go find one of those bottle opener/corkscrew thingies and screw it into the shaft of the dildo. Boom. Dildo-handled bottle opener. Functional and decorative!

People who loudly discuss intimate details of their sex life (“I sucked his dick so hard I was milking it”) in crowded public spaces: tacky and uncouth, or just outspoken?
Merely outspoken with regard to the subject matter. Uncouth for talking loudly. Tacky for using such a lame metaphor.

I really am tempted to fuck someone that isn’t my boyfriend. Hell, I even fantasize about this particular guy. He isn’t particularly great looking, or even all that interesting. I’m not sure if my conscience is telling me I’m not worth a serious relationship or if I should just have sex with whomever without regret. I’m not sure what to do.
Don’t be a cheater. Of course, that could mean staying monogamous and not having an affair, deciding together to open up your relationship, or breaking up with your boyfriend so you can fuck other people. It’s entirely up to you, just whatever you do, do it with integrity.

Why am I terrified to come out as an atheist?
Because you face the possibility of animosity and ostracism from pious friends and family, perhaps even the loss of your emotional support system. It’s a brave and difficult thing to do if you were raised in a religious environment.

You think Bernie Sanders might just be gaining enough momentum to do the damn thing?
It’s a long way to Super Tuesday. Cross your fingers, but don’t hold your breath.

So there are levels, huh? Leagues you can be above or below or in? I knew it. Damn. Better adjust my fantasies so they stop setting me up for failure.
Of course there are levels. There are levels to everything.

What’s the best way to make people stop wishing you “happy monday?”
Shoot them in the face.

Does life get better? Or am I really doomed to repeat the same mistakes and have the same life of everyone around me?

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On Bernie Wed, 12 Aug 2015 21:32:32 +0000 I love Bernie Sanders, but there’s no way he’s going to win the general election (or even the primary). How do I tell people this gracefully? Or should I just keep quiet until Hillary has the nomination? Bernie is good at being an agitator, but do you think he would be a good president?

People said the exact same kind of shit about Obama eight years ago. They said Hillary had the nomination locked down and that no one in their right mind was ever gonna vote for a black freshman senator with a funny sounding name.

No one seems to remember how outlandish Obama’s campaign seemed at the time, and Bernie Sanders has considerably more momentum than Obama did a full eighteen months before the general election.

Bernie isn’t the dark horse at this point. He and Hillary are the only two Democratic candidates anyone is even talking about, regardless of whether Biden decides to run.

You sound ridiculous saying Bernie doesn’t stand a chance. Of course he does. He could easily beat Hillary if Biden steps in and siphons off the moderates, and if Bernie went up against anyone other than Jeb Bush, he would almost certainly win the presidency.

Yes, the safe bet for 2016 is still a Clinton vs Bush corporate snoozefest, but you never know. All it would really take for Bernie Sanders to be the next president is for everyone like you to simply tell people that you’re voting for him instead of telling people that he doesn’t have a chance.

And yes, I think he would be a great president.

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