Thoughts

On staying wild

Coketalk (sorry I still call you that, but it’s really what first comes to mind when I think of you)–I proposed marriage to the man I love in the wee hours of this morning after staying up all night. The day before we went to Clearwater beach and took acid to celebrate our first anniversary. We actually don’t have a specific “date”, we have a two-ish week period in between the night we first slept together and the night I told him I loved him and if he wasn’t okay with that to get out of my apartment. At 3 a.m. After he insulted my favorite band. For some reason, he stayed. For some reason, I let him. I guess it’s because he loved me or wanted to love me and that was enough for then. That was enough for me then, too. But this morning he said yes and then realized what the fuck I actually just did and got scared. I was as supportive and apologetic as possible because its kind of a fucked up thing to do to someone, isn’t it. But I just didn’t worry about if he was going to change his mind. It didn’t matter. His answer didn’t fucking matter. It’s only been a day. He could change his mind tomorrow. But we were married today, in our hearts and heads and synapses between nerves and blood and hands. We were married the second I started crying after he realized I was serious and kissed me, we were married when he almost backed out, we were married that night over a year ago when I said “I love you” not because I wanted him to feel loved but because I was such an absolute wreck of a human that I couldn’t stand the thought of him being in my life if he couldn’t deal with ME–me in my head, real me, the actual feelings and thoughts that make up my own reality. And quite frankly, it’s not fair to me OR him for me not to be 100% authentic and that’s what our entire relationship has revolved around. Since that night when I told him I loved him the first time it’s been a slow crawl, sometimes a race, sometimes a drag and a hell of a lot of fun to get to where I am: a changed woman, in control of her life, master of her own Universe, at peace with her parents and sexuality and inevitable death, in love with a man who had a crush on her in 7th grade (for real. Long story) who I know could disappear from the Earth tonight by accident or from my life in the morning by choice…and who I’m okay with loving even despite the cautionary tales and the knowledge that we are just monkeys born in 2016 with the privilege of using language and toilet paper and WiFi (alternate reality: God wants us to fuck and make love into oblivion and make thousands of babies and reward us for our good karma with happy, fat lives? We’ll never know the difference either way, so why not enjoy right?). Because really, Coke, it was a marriage of myself. To life itself and to me for as long as we both and I shall live. Amen. And thanks for being a big, necessary part of it, you crazy fuck. Love, love, love, me.

 

I’m happy for you. I’m happy for him. I’m happy for everyone who reads this and understands.

Keep up the good work, and enjoy whatever comes next.

Stay wild.

 

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58 thoughts on “On staying wild

  1. Alicia says:

    Letter writer, whoever you are, your words made me cry. Not in a bad way. They just made me feel a LOT of shit. So thank you.

    • Brynn says:

      Someone being authentic? Someone finding clarity in something big and confusing? Someone who’s quite clearly a bit of a mess finding the love they deserve?

      It doesn’t matter; their writing is bad, and I probably wouldn’t be friends with them if we met. Everyone please stop caring. You must be this spectacular or spectacularer to enjoy the human condition.

    • GROSS says:

      Yeah, seriously What The Fuck. I was really hoping for a scathing response of “oh my gosh, get over yourself you intolerable Hallmark Movie and maybe think through life altering decisions a little more.”

      It’s not that I’m some heartless Grinch – I have been in and am in glowing, warm, everything is fucking amazing love with my spouse. But I’m not pretending we were “married” the moment we met. This sounds like it was written by a robot that scanned all the hashtags for horoscope-related Instagram accounts that posts bullshit quotes atop meaningless pixelated images and threw it all together with somewhat flawed natural language processing. I’m going to vomit.

      I can see the freeness and love it was trying to elicit. There are some cool philosophical wonderings in there. But oh god. Can you imagine being this person’s coworker?

      • dee says:

        just because someone is writing this doesn’t mean they say these sort of things in person. can you imagine if every writer spoke in the manner that they write?.

        • Strangely Rational says:

          To me, it’s not so much that it’s insufferable as it is incoherent. I had to reread parts of it (especially the first few sentences) several times just to try and figure out what the hell was going on. And by the end I was peeved at having invested that much effort into understanding it.

          Passionately expressed love can be beautiful, but this is feels more like love vomit, partially indistinguishable and all over the place.

      • Strangely Rational says:

        Not by couples kissing in public, but by the ones who are clearly doing it because look everyone! We’re in love! Behold and be amazed by how very deeply in love we are!!!!

        Not to say that’s what the LW is doing. Possibly just someone who has difficulty with clarity in writing or is in a sleep-deprived and/or acid-influenced condition. But that’s the way it comes across, and that’s what’s irritating me anyway.

        • Melissa Low says:

          “What is essential is invisible to the eye.” Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince.

          You gotta look past form to understand what anyone’s really saying.

          • Strangely Rational says:

            Oh, I can’t disagree with that. And I’m not suggesting that a confusing piece of writing is some huge crime. It’s not like everything I’ve written is brilliant, and I’m educated as a writer and editor. I don’t expect that out of others, and I don’t get nitpicky about minor grammar or spelling issues in informal settings like this. In fact, I generally get annoyed by the Grammar Nazis.

            All I’m saying is that I get why it’s somewhat off-putting. It’s a giant wall of text, written very dramatically in a stream-of-consciousness style. Is there insight in there? Absolutely. It’s just that the form detracts from the message. But ultimately, if the LW has been on an important journey and has found meaning in it, that’s what counts.

            Now that I’ve had time to think more about it and look back over what she wrote, I can see someone who’s obviously intelligent and has a lot of potential as a writer. This piece of writing also has the potential to be something great if it’s reworked a bit structurally with some paragraph breaks and better organization of thoughts.

            Dammit, now I’m starting to feel bad about criticizing, because this isn’t bad if you look at it as a first draft, and it’s not like this is supposed to be a writing assignment anyway.

            You know what, I sincerely hope the LW keeps writing. She sounds like an interesting person who has insights to share. Especially if she’s young, that’s impressive.

            (“The Little Prince” is one of my favorite books from childhood, by the way. Have you read “Wind, Sand and Stars” by the same author? If not, you should. It’s a beautifully written memoir that contains many of the same themes, but on a much deeper level. The man is a fucking genius with words. It’s rare that an author can move me to tears, but he does. Especially the chapter “Oasis,” which has me weeping by the end no matter how many times I read it. It’s my favorite book by far.)

          • WhoAmI says:

            Terre des hommes is definitely a better read than Le Petit Prince. Maybe my french speaking ass is just saying that cause I had to read the last one at three different times in my school years but it just gross me out now. French and philosophy teachers try to make it sound extra layered and deep when it’s just simple and romantic, and very good just like that.

          • Melissa Low says:

            (I will check out “Wind, Sand and Stars”. Thanks for the rec.)

            Many of us have read CQ’s booklists over the years. It’s interesting that we are becoming literate in a very specific language tailored to this collective ideology that’s sprung up organically.

            This is free university, and I mean free in both senses of the word. It costs us nothing except our attention and it will set us loose.

      • Melissa Low says:

        Not David Cameron, that’s for sure.

        Did you know he had 48 hours to vacate his home? It was like a mini-Brexit, how meta.

    • it's clear says:

      What is there to try to understand? This isn’t some kooks verbose, bogged down dissertation. Though I’m not in love with OP’s writing, there is an energetic (almost frantic) bounciness to it. And it’s authentic and alive. The “insulted my favorite band” part, and maybe a few other mentions make me believe OP was very young when this all originally went down. There’s a beauty to discovery and youth. Cokes general point is clear: love yourself and stay wild.

  2. Nat says:

    This kinda makes me cringe, too, I’m not totally sure why. I found it quite hard to parse in places and I had to reread parts of it to be sure they weren’t just nonsense, so maybe that’s why.

    It’s nice, though, because you can tell how happy she is, and it has the added bonus of her knowing it won’t last.

    P.S. I have no problem with couples kissing in public.

  3. Haterade says:

    As someone who is madly in love and understands all this emotion and also as someone who’s parents married after knowing each other for 6 months and had the healthiest most loving successful marriage I’ve ever known:

    1. This reads like my own drunken journal entries and I hate it on a visceral cringey level, the way you hate hearing your own voice on a recording.

    2. Marrying someone you’ve dated for a year, even if you have known them forever, is fucking stupid.

  4. Tory Royal says:

    Hello, commenters! This is the OP. I am everything you accused me of and more, including a bad writer…but get rid of the adjective (ahem, your opinion) and I’m still that: a writer. If you care to follow me or my work, you can add me on Facebook (I’ll let you guess which “Tory Royal” I am. The profile picture should be a hint) or send me an email at royal1@mail.usf.edu. Maybe I can make you cringe some more, if you let me.

    • Charlene says:

      To be honest, I haven’t read your submission save for a few lines because I saw the large chunk of text and immediately got put off.

      Thanks for sharing your fb page, I’ll have a look – I admire that you put yourself out there!

    • Kitten says:

      Hey, I like you. Fuck the haters. Being in love is so bizarre and so wonderful that it unleashes a torrent of completely ridiculous, strangely glittery word/emotion-vomit. As an aside, you’re gorgeous and your hair is to die for.

      Congrats to you and your man. Enjoy the rest of your lives.

  5. Soooooooooooooooo says:

    Ok, did he say yes or no? Did he change his mind? Was there a question somewhere in there? What was this for?

  6. ken says:

    I got lost in the words but not the feeling. It was easier for me to read this and hear how someone feels vs what point are they trying to make. I felt like this person was experiencing a profound sense of contentment, discovery, and realization. Acknowledging that feeling and thanking where that feeling comes from cannot be easy. But that’s just my take.

  7. wrkrb says:

    This is one of those times when Coke’s choice of submission leads me to believe that she’s terribly busy and couldn’t muster any quality for us.

  8. Kay says:

    More power to you, OP! And if I may: this post feels a bit like Chris Kraus’s book “I Love Dick” in its defiant insistence on the messiness of female emotion being recognized, damn it, and acknowledged, and never pathologized, just accepted and… known.

    (Dear Coketalk, if you would tell us your thoughts on “I Love Dick” or Chris Kraus, that would be fantastic!)

    Congrats to you and your man, OP.

  9. Kittyninja says:

    I found this to be really fucking annoying until I remember that one tear-filled message I sent that was much to do about about nothing when something was lurking under the surface. It was a stream of consciousness mess of poor me’s and ending with “well damn, I should know better.”

    That CT did not publish it makes me happy, and I can’t really blame the OP for sending a blubbering wall of text of pure emotion. CT is probably high on well deserved book success and hopefully enjoying her new local. Can’t fault a girl for fist bumping on that.

  10. night unkempt says:

    This reminds me of me and how I jumped off a cliff to be with this guy…and we have been together nine years now, are married and living well. I hope other people do get this letter, said the girl who said yes after a threesome, with his ex-fiancé/my then-girlfriend still in the room.

    Life isn’t up to you. It’s a beautiful thing to be gifted with outrageous fortune once in a while. Sometimes, you can’t see it. I hope you do.

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