We fight all the time. We’re both artists, we both get dark, we battle demons, sometimes they’re each other.
Being artists also means we have a lot of the same friends, so I don’t really have anyone to talk with this about. If I did, it would totally cross some lines and involve people we know, half-professionally.
L.A.’s a beast. I haven’t been here long, we might have to separate, and I don’t know what I’m going to do, where to go, how we stay together for a month while I find enough work to put down a deposit.
How can I empower myself to change and be more calm and collected? How can I settle the score with my demons and send some of them on their way? I am at such a loss. Sometimes I think I’d be better off single, alone, so I can’t hurt anyone, but I’m super-addicted to seduction and loving, too.
How can I let go of the darkness and anger? How can I control my emotions so that we can do business together no matter what happens to our relationship? Indeed, how can I control my emotions so that our relationship can succeed without sacrificing my own ideas?
First of all, quit referring to yourself as an artist. Only douchebags and people who work at Subway do that. It’s fine if you paint, write, sing or dance, but please refer to yourself as a painter, writer, singer or dancer.
Secondly, quit taking yourself so damned seriously. You do not have demons. You are not addicted to seduction. You’re just a crazy bitch like the rest of us, and if you’re addicted to anything here, it’s your own ego.
Finally, if you want to let go of darkness and anger, just let it go. Yeah, it really is that easy. I know, you don’t believe me. That’s because you’re a little drama queen and you thrive on manufactured chaos. Quit doing that. It doesn’t make you more interesting. It doesn’t improve the quality of your art. All it does is create a swirling mess of artificial problems that distract you from getting actual work done.
All that darkness and anger is just your ego in a self-reinforcing vicious cycle of petty nonsense. It doesn’t have to be that way. Imagine your life with a little impulse control. Imagine being able to process negative emotions without your head exploding. Imagine being able to laugh at yourself.
When you recognize that the chaos in your life is a product of your own ego, all that’s left for you to do is be done with it in a flurry of smirking forgiveness. Forgive yourself for being such a pretentious twit. Forgive your boyfriend for being an enormous douchebag. Forgive L.A. and everyone you’ve met here for their multitude of sins. You can even forgive your demons for never having existed in the first place.
Don’t spend another minute wallowing in all that negativity, not one damn minute. If it means the end of your relationship, so be it. If it means you’ll be struggling on your own in the big city, so be it. Once you’ve jettisoned your ego, you’ll be amazed at how easy it is to enjoy your life, even the struggle, and yes, even in L.A.
Good luck not taking any of this seriously.