On more fun-sized advice

There’s this one male cashier around my age at the supermarket who consistently calls me “sweetheart.” As I near my mid-30s these types of dismissively sexist comments annoy me more and more. Should I just let it go, or should I say something?
I think you’ll find “I’m not your fucking sweetheart” to be one of the most deeply satisfying phrases in the entirety of the English language.


When my boyfriend broke up with me, he said our relationship “filled him with existential dread.” What the fuck does that even mean? I know what existential dread is, but what does that have to do with our dearly departed relationship?
The relationship had your boyfriend contemplating the idea of forever, and it freaked him out. It was a polite (if not pretentious) way of saying that the mere thought of spending the rest of his life with you terrified him.


So, we know where you stand on cheating and being the other man/woman but what do you think about telling someone they’re being cheated on? Do you think people have a right to know or should a third party just mind their own business?
There’s a lot to be said for minding your own business, but there’s also a good case for applying the golden rule — it really just depends on the situation. When you’re trying to balance compassion with discretion, let loyalty guide you further than honesty.


I just figured out that nobody has The Right Answer because there’s no such thing as The Right Answer, and it has me feeling real fucking lost. I didn’t realize how much I’ve always depended on other people to make decisions for me until now, yet I don’t trust myself to make those decisions either. How do I recover from this?
Recover? No, there is no recovery. You wouldn’t wanna go back even if you had the option. You aren’t lost. You’re just burdened by the philosophical equivalent of adolescence and what you imagine to be your own free will. Just go be a good person, and don’t be afraid to keep growing.


I’ve been going on a bunch of dates recently and while I have fun, the guys are nice, the conversation is interesting, the sex is good, I just feel so … hollow afterwards. I feel very distant from the experience. What gives?
Pretty simple, really. Casual dating (while occasionally fun) doesn’t satisfy your desperate craving for a deep spiritual, physical, and emotional connection to another human being. The hollow feeling is just a friendly reminder.


Nothing makes me feel smaller or uglier or more like a piece of shit than someone I care about showing romantic interest in me, and I don’t know why. I wish I could get people to stop.
The reason it makes you feel small and ugly is because you consider romantic interest to be an unsolicited sexualization of a platonic relationship. It’s a shift in how you think a person values you, one that degrades your own self-worth. It doesn’t have to, though. The trick is in realizing and fully accepting that you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re not the one betraying the fundamental nature of the relationship. They are.

On fun-sized advice*

I’m insecure. Super fucking insecure. Need people to like me insecure. I recognize the problem. I want to change. How?
It’s not that you need people to like you. It’s that you need people to approve of you, and you don’t know the difference. Stop seeking approval.


Is this it? Being social, having friends, making small talk, it just doesn’t appeal to me anymore. Not that it ever really did, but I never thought I’d be so bored with everything at 25.
Go DO something, asshole.


Every time I tell my partner they’re doing something that upsets me, they take it as a personal attack of me reminding them how “fucked up and terrible” they are. What do I do?
Stop putting up with manipulative bullshit from an insecure partner.


Am I bi if I only sleep with women and don’t like dick, but fool around with men I feel comfortable with?
I’m not sure whether you’re a predominantly homosexual woman coming to terms with incidental heterosexual tendencies or a predominantly heterosexual man coming to terms with incidental homosexual tendencies, but it’s entirely up to you whether you choose to identify as bisexual. You can if you want, you don’t have to if you don’t, and no one else gets to decide but you.


Lesbians with daddy issues. Please explain.
You know lesbians have fathers, right?


That was a pretty scary looking message you got, so I’m wondering… do you get a lot of really vicious stuff in your mail? I know you get plenty of morons but that stuff is outright stomach churning.
It wasn’t scary at all. It was sad and desperate. Usually I ignore the angry letters, but if someone says my advice added to their friend’s trauma, then I take that kind of thing seriously. There’s a time for snark and there’s a time for genuine empathy.


Please don’t compliment people when you get scared of them, it just looks pitiful — either hold your ground or fight back.
You’re as terrible at reading the situation as you are at giving advice.


I love how you start sucking up to the person who wants to punch your face in.
I love how you think you know what you’re talking about.



* Whoever keeps sending links to that Dennis Prager video about Israel, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to peer into the abyss of your willfull ignorance. Just so we’re clear, Prager is a sanctimonious blowhard, and that video (like everything he does) is cheap propaganda for right-wing simpletons. The very fact that you think it “informs” is terrifying. Please go away now.

On fun-sized advice

If someone openly says that they are not a good person, and also includes that they don’t know what it means to love someone, would it be stupid to date them? Is it stupid to even ask?
They are either telling the truth, and you shouldn’t date them, or they are playing games with you, and you shouldn’t date them.


What am I supposed to do when I’m in love with two different people?
That’s not a “supposed to do” situation. What do you want to do? Try doing that. (If you’re honest with the people involved, and they don’t want what you want, then at that point, hopefully you’ll know more about what best to do.)


What would you say to a loved one who is addicted to meth that tells you not to judge their sins differently than yours?

Addiction isn’t a sin. It’s a psychobiological mechanism that leads to shitty behavior — super shitty in the case of meth addiction — and you should feel free to judge that shitty behavior however you damn well please, because as a loved one, the negative consequences affect you too.


Friend’s bf said she has a rape statistic mentality. Friend offended at the wording. Asked bf, he says he meant she behaves like a victim, won’t take responsibility. Who’s right?
Your friend might very well have a victim mentality, but her boyfriend is definitely a dick for so casually referring to victims as “rape statistics.”


Why do you need the assurance that your questions are from humans?
Because I was tired of getting spam from robots.


What’s up the new heading font? WE FEAR CHANGE. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US.

Yes, I changed a font. It added a small measure of visual consistency across my sites. Plus, I just felt like it. Those of you who dig it, thanks for letting me know. Those of you who hate it, chill the fuck out. You’ll be used to it by Labor Day.


You’re always like “hey don’t assume I’m white, I’m anonymous and you don’t know shit blah blah.” Bitch, we’ve all seen your pasty fingers with hatefuck nails and holdin up a book in Powells. You’re white.

Bitch, all you can tell from pictures of my nails is that I ain’t Lupita Nyong’o. Maybe I’m Puerto Rican Barbie. Maybe I’m Blackanese. Maybe I’m whiter than Wonderbread stuck in Taylor Swift’s front teeth. Who the fuck knows? Point is, my privilege is checked to death and my nails look fucking fabulous.


Have you ever been punched?
Sure. Have you ever been fucked in the ass?

On fun-sized advice

Do you think Beyonce & Jay-Z have a monogamous marriage?
I don’t think it’s any of our motherfucking business.


Why do I scare guys I like away, and attract the ones I don’t?
That’s just your confirmation bias talking.


Why is it so fucking hard to lose those last 10 pounds?
Because the law of diminishing returns is a real thing.


The moment’s passed, obviously, but any advice as to what to do when I’m blowing a guy (on and off again bf), I look up and he’s checking his fucking phone, mid-fellatio?
If you’re just trying to get him off, feel free to immediately end the blowjob. If there’s something in it for you (like you’re getting him hard enough to fuck, or you simply enjoy sucking dick) then it’s up to you whether to give a shit. In my experience, it’s better to find that kind of thing funny rather than insulting.


To be a lawyer, do you think one should completely be abiding of the law? I get the feeling the answer’s already ‘no’, but I just don’t have any grasp of how to explain why.
No one can nor should be completely abiding of the law. If you want a better grasp on explaining why, first learn the fundamental differences between the concepts of morality, ethics, justice, and the law.


What age or when should I stop fighting wrinkles?
That’s entirely up to you, but there’s a difference between fighting wrinkles and taking care of your skin. Taking care of your skin is something you do for your own personal good health and well being. Fighting wrinkles is something you do in furtherance of ageist, patriarchal beauty standards. The regimens may be identical, but the underlying rationale makes all the difference in the world.


Thoughts on the end of Californication? You were an early fan. Have you stuck with it to the end or did you give up a couple seasons back when it got really bad?
I stuck with it, but it was awful. I was glad to see it end. Hank Moody deserved better than to become a boring clown surrounded by misogynistic cartoons.


What does your dream wedding dress look like?
The one Stephanie Seymour wore in the November Rain video. (That’s not so much a dream wedding dress as it is a “sex dream” wedding dress.)


What’s the best insult you’ve ever come up with?
I don’t know about the best, but I’m particularly fond of this one.

On fun-sized advice

If you claim that everything really means nothing, then why give a flying fuck whether or not “those whores” got what they had coming?
Because existential nihilism isn’t a license to be an asshole.


You shouldn’t tell people to kill themselves, even if you’re joking.
Why not?


Would you concede that sometimes you’re a cunt just for the sake of being a cunt?
I don’t have to concede shit.


Do you ever worry that all the topless pictures you send to guys will come back to haunt you?
It won’t be your topless pictures that come back to haunt you. It will be your credit score.


What do you think of online dating? It seems like just one big meat market.
Life is one big meat market. Online dating is just a picture menu.


How do you know if your life story is interesting enough to be a book?
If you’re a good writer, any life story is interesting enough to be a book.


How long is the “normal” amount of time to be single?

That’s good. The first step is putting it in quotes. The next step is realizing that there’s no such thing.


Is any amount of money in a job offer worth moving to Sarasota, FL while single at age 31?
Yes, but I doubt that’s what they’re offering you.


Am I terrible for thinking my girlfriend is really ugly when I wake up in the morning next to her, seeing as she has no makeup on?
Yes.


No matter what, whoever I date starts to look ugly to me after a while. Is this normal? How do I stop this from happening?
You’re confusing what they look like for what they are like. Even worse, you’re probably confusing what they are like for what you are like.

On fun-sized advice

Why can’t I seem to stay in a relationship past 3 or 4 months?
Because that’s the shelf life of bullshit.


The girl I’m casually seeing just told me no one’s ever been able to make her come. What should I do?
Tell her that it’s perfectly okay and that there’s nothing wrong with her. Tell her that you appreciate her openness and vulnerability. Don’t take it as a challenge, and don’t put any pressure on her to have an orgasm. In other words, don’t make it about you.


A man that I met while traveling in Europe is launching a Bitcoin exchange, and wants to launch a social networking site in tandem with it. I am a community manager between gigs. He recently offered to buy a plane ticket and pay my salary for the next two months before I start my Masters in the fall. This doesn’t seem like a real thing.
Yeah, unless your dad is Liam Neeson, you might wanna consider a little extra due diligence before accepting this gig.


What’s the point of hatefucks? Like, to take a food analogy, if you hate carrots, why eat some when you can have tomatoes or beets?
Your analogy confuses hatefucking for actually hating to fuck. A better food analogy would be that a hatefuck is like a pie eating contest — it’s aggressive, messy, and it requires that you momentarily suspend your dignity, but every once in a while it’s fun to engorge yourself without having to give a shit about table manners.


My girlfriend and I are thinking about going to a strip club. Neither of us has been to one before, so we have no idea about proper strip club etiquette. Any hard-and-fast rules?
Keep your expectations low, keep your hands to yourself, and when in doubt, tip. (That goes for both of you.)


You have no idea how badly I want to give up.
Yes I do.


I had a dream last night that I spent a day hanging out with you and Donna Meagle.
Did you treat yourself?


Do you think Hooters is demeaning to women?
No. I think fast food chains that pay single mothers minimum wage are demeaning to women. Hooters is just tacky.

On fun-sized advice

I’m afraid that when I quit my job I’ll realize that it wasn’t the reason I am so unhappy.
The irony is that you’re unhappy because you’re afraid.


I would love to ask you something, but nothing comes to mind because I already have all the answers.
Awesome. Help me out with the answer to this one: Why is there something rather than nothing?


I wake up every day and think of how much i want to be dead for about an hour before i can force myself to get up from my bed. I’m scared to talk about this with my therapist or anyone else.
Read this to your therapist in your next session.


Why am I so scared of committing to a nice, sweet guy who I regularly hang out and sleep with? What’s stopping me from making it official?
You still think you can do better.


Sooo, after figuring out love n shit… whats good?
Money.


Is love after a week of being with someone just infatuation?
Yes.


Is it possible to love someone and be attracted to them without being romantically in love with them? Am I just deluding myself?
Yes and yes.


Do you believe in free will?
That’s kind of like asking if I believe in god, in that it’s pointless if you don’t define your terms.


What do you think of Rich Kids of Instagram?
I love RKOI. I like to think of each post as a crime photo, as if they’re tiny pieces of evidence that can be used at trial if the revolution ever comes.


How come I like you way more on twitter than on here?
Because twitter is candy, and here I make you eat your vegetables.

On fun-sized advice

If I want to read, write, see the world, etc., then why do I spend all of my time playing videogames?
Because your idealized self-image does not match reality.


If I might die today what is the point of saving money, or planning for the future at all really??
Sure, you might die today, but you probably won’t for quite some time. Don’t be an asshole about it, and deal with your shit.


Is there any truth to “fake it til you make it?”
Only if you make it.


My guy friend thinks that women just don’t have analytical brains, and that is why all of the top performers in “intellectual” professions are men. How do I stop giving a fuck about idiots like this so I don’t spend my life angry?
Stop being friends with them.


How do you define “losing your virginity”?
Your virginity isn’t something I care to define. Spend some time analyzing the cultural and historical implications of virginity, then decide for yourself whether you think it’s still a relevant concept.


Would you fuck Putin?
With a rainbow colored twelve inch strap-on.


Why am I so unsettled by George W. Bush’s paintings?
Because each shallow canvas is irrefutable evidence that a childlike simpleton spent eight long years as President of the United States.


What’s the difference between group sex and an orgy?
Name tags.


I like you but I think that I like you in the same way I like cheap vodka, an easy way out. Obviously you’re human but seriously your ego and sheer arrogance is painful to read. I once found your advice to be that of a big sister that I never had but I’ve lost the faith. Is it me or is it you? Both?
It’s not me. It’s the voice in your head you hear when you read me, which is really just a projection of yourself. You’re thinking more critically now, and that’s the whole point. I’m glad that you once found my advice sisterly, but at the same time, I’m just as happy for you to realize that I’m as completely full of shit as everyone else.


You seem to be a pretty negative person all-around. Does that ever get tiring?
Bitch, please. I’m a fucking pleasure.

On fun-sized advice

I just got dumped. I thought I would be devastated, but I am so fucking relieved. Am I kidding myself, or is this real?
Nah, it’s real. Your ex made the right decision for you both.


Why do relationships feel sticky and tiring to me?
Because you put up with that shit.


What do you with someone who is hell bent on being self destructive but is intelligent enough to know better?
Intelligence has nothing to do with it. Also, try not to confuse actual self-destruction for behavior that merely conflicts with your personal morality.


I want to ask her out but I’m in a monogamous relationship.
You have three options: You can cheat, you can not cheat, or you can modify the terms of your monogamous relationship (which for most couples means breaking-up.) Choose wisely, and accept the consequences.


Why does it bother me that four of my friends have referred to their boyfriends as sociopaths, yet continue to date them?
The boyfriends aren’t sociopaths. They’re just self-absorbed assholes, and it bothers you because friends are annoying when they chronically date self-absorbed assholes.


Is it fucked up that no one bats an eye when a girl uses a vibrator but there is massive societal shame towards the use of a pocket pussy?

Massive societal shame? Don’t be so dramatic, dude. There may be a bit of a double standard, but I submit it has less to do with gender, and more to do with design. Pocket pussies are hilarious contraptions that anyone would look ridiculous while using. Vibrators are simply more elegant, whether being used by a man or a woman.


I want to be in love with someone who is kind, witty, and sexually attractive, and have them love me back. Why does it this seem so impossible?
Because you’re confusing kindness, wit, and sexual attraction for long term compatibility, and you’re confusing love with infatuation.


I love him but he wants us to be monogamous.
I feel your pain. To me, that’s like saying, “I love him, but he wants us to be Mormon.” Stick an asterisk next to monogamy if you must, but don’t set relationship terms that you can’t live with. Talk this shit out with your partner. Find common ground. If it ultimately ends up being a dealbreaker, don’t let it be because you didn’t explore every possible consideration.


How do I stop romanticizing my personality flaws? How do I stop secretly loving being “broken”?
Grow the fuck up.


Read this week’s column over at Nerve.com.

On fun-sized advice

I just turned 22 and I hate feeling so old.
You don’t feel old. You just resent having to act like an adult. Toughen up, buttercup. It gets a helluva lot worse.


My life is totally sexless and without love. I want to be skinnier or prettier. That would solve all my problems, right? What will make me happy?
You are the perfect product of consumer culture.


What do you recommend for a first vibrator?
Extra batteries.


How do I stop feeling guilty about casual sex?
Stop believing casual sex is wrong.


Is it too late to start living my life the way I want?
Nope. Then again, you might die today, so maybe.


He is perfect for me and treats me amazingly well, but he is also a workaholic. How do I get more time with him?
You don’t. Learn to deal with it, or move on.


What’s your go-to taco filling?
Fuckin’ taco meat.


You seem to alternate between encouraging people to embrace their own mediocrity and using mediocrity as a dirty word. Which is it?
Both.


If you stripped away the drugs, would you still be an insipid schizotypal?
If you weren’t a freshman psych major, would you still have me confused with a manic pixie dream girl?


You seem to have a superiority complex.
That’s because my defense mechanisms are better than yours.


What are your thoughts on how human attraction works?
I don’t think it does.