Any guesses as to why is it rare for me to achieve an orgasm unless I’m being choked?
Um, yeah. It’s simple behavioral reinforcement. Cerebral hypoxia makes for one hell of an antecedent stimulus prior to orgasm.
Do I want safe and warm, or do I want ecstatic?
Quit making false dichotomies with your love life.
When is using the word “whore” appropriate? Or is it never?
Feel free to use the word “whore” to describe a person who puts a price on their integrity. Never use the word “whore” to impugn a person’s promiscuity.
There’s shit music on at a party. The host is loving it, everyone else is staring awkwardly at the ground. Socially acceptable to quietly change playlists?
Sure, but if you’re more comfortable leaving the party than you are changing the music, simply get the fuck out. Either way, don’t ever let anyone hold you hostage with bad music.
What would your match.com profile say? From the “tagline” all the way down to the “about me and what I’m looking for” section.
Match.com? Are you kidding me? That’s the worst dating site on the planet. It’s a creepy-as-fuck graveyard of fake and abandoned profiles scotch-taped together with a horrible user interface. Never use match.com.
Gay here. My husband seems moody lately. One evening, he is just so irritated the minute I walk in, cant get a straight answer - seems like border line abuse to me. Then next evening he wants to plan the next vacation, cooks dinner and be as polite as can be. Is it just me thinking it???
Dude. People have moods. Sometimes they’re shitty. Maybe learn to back the fuck off occasionally, and quit making it about you.
So is your idea of the perfect marriage is one in which you and your partner are free to have extra-marital sex?
In a way, yes, but “free” implies that there are no consequences. That’s not how open relationships work.
Survived the holidays alright, Coquette?
Ha! Yep. Had to bite my tongue when my mom announced “the Indians should just get over it” with regard to changing the name of the Washington Redskins. Other than that, it was a pretty chill Thanksgiving.
I love that you take time to find and use the letter ‘é’ when you write French words.
Details fucking matter.
What do you think about monogamy?
I think it’s limiting, problematic, and too often confused with fidelity.
What do you think about Chuck Palahniuk?
I think he’s great. I want him to go all Roald Dahl and start writing children’s books.
How does George Zimmerman have a girlfriend?
What do you think about Adam Levine?
I do not think about Adam Levine. At all. Ever. (Even just now, answering this question, didn’t think a single thing about him.)
You’ll be voting for Hillary, right?
Voting? Hell, I’d leave my job to work on her campaign.
Is Angelina Jolie for real? She seems so great, does all this great stuff, has these gorgeous kids she both adopted and created with Brad…what’s she hiding?
Nothing. Well, nothing unusual. Just crippling self doubt and decades worth of daddy issues. You know, just like the rest of us.
Why does my skin crawl whenever someone says “my parents taught me to be tolerant.”
Because what they’re really saying is “my parents taught me how to mask my arrogance and manage my white guilt with sanctimonious lip service to basic human decency.”
Have you ever had your IQ formally tested? Do you know what your actual IQ is? I ask for a paper I’m writing for my Intro to Psychology class.
Yep. I had my IQ formally tested for a research study back in school. I don’t know my score, but it was more than three standard deviations from the mean, so I couldn’t participate in the study. (At least, that’s what they told me.)
So tell us, how did you mend your heart over the last month?
Are all white people racist?
No, of course not, but all white people benefit from racism.
Why is it so hard to quit a jerk?
It’s hard to quit anyone once you’ve fallen for them. The more important question is why you pick jerks to begin with.
How is natural beauty an inherently hypocritical concept?
People present the concept of “natural beauty” as a rejection of common beauty standards, when in fact it is the purest form of an unattainable beauty standard. Thus the inherent hypocrisy.
My fuck buddy wants a relationship. What’s the least awkward way to tell him that I’m not looking for a commitment?
Use whatever words you’d like, but the least awkward way is to immediately stop fucking him.
I feel bad about this but I find it repulsive when men cry. What’s up with that?
Your dad was an asshole.
May we gush over Tom Hardy for a second, though?
What do you think of people who police other people’s eating habits?
Not sure exactly how you mean, but you know, fuck the police.
What separates “video game enthusiast” from “undateable man-child”? My relationship might depend on your answer.
It’s not about the video games. Regardless of his enthusiasms, if you have to put with hissy-fits and passive-aggressive behavior in the face of reasonable expectations, you are in a relationship with a man-child.
How do I know whether or not my liking girls is a phase or permanent?
Everything is a phase. Nothing is permanent. Your sexual identity never has to be cast in stone, and your orientation can remain fluid throughout your life.
I don’t love Lena Dunham either, but you’re being a cyber bully.
Nope. Cyber bullies hit below the belt with cruel comments about her physical appearance. I make smart-ass remarks about her cultural influence. Valid social criticism isn’t bullying.
What is the difference between, “fucking,” “having sex,” and “making love”?
The kind of music playing in the background.
What is the difference between art and pornography?
The kind of music playing in the background.
Favorite and least favorite Real Housewife?
Favorite? NeNe. Love that bitch. Least favorite? Probably Alexis. Of all the gargoyles and garbage monsters, she represents the most evil. Teresa is pretty awful too, but her kids are so adorable that I let shit slide.
Why am I always attracted to my boyfriend’s friends more than other guys?
Proximity and ineligibility. That shit’ll get you high.
Why does Gaga’s new stuff seem so fucking tired?
Just because it’s new music doesn’t mean she’s evolved, and 2008 was a long fucking time ago.
Is it hypocritical of a person who advocates natural beauty to get a nose job?
Sure it is, but natural beauty is an inherently hypocritical concept. (Besides, just because you advocate it doesn’t mean you have any.)
Would you renounce your citizenship to live with your lover in Switzerland?
Hell no. I might get dual citizenship for a husband in Switzerland, but renouncing things for lovers is a stupid way to live your life. (Unless you’re permanently living abroad with a shit-ton of cash and trying not to get fucked by the new tax compliance act, I don’t recommend ever renouncing your US citizenship.)
Bitch, you’re totally a lawyer. It takes a lawyer to know a lawyer.
The lawyers think I’m a lawyer. The shrinks think I’m a shrink. The escorts think I’m an escort. I’m seeing a pattern here.
I’m in a sorority, and because I’m graduating this year I’m leaving the younger members a bound copy of every advice post you’ve done. You fucking rock.
Right on. Send me your contact information, and I’ll write your little freshman bitches an introduction or something.
Please tell me you hate Texas.
No, I don’t hate Texas. I just hate willful ignorance in the form of organized religion, jingoistic nationalism, and patriarchal machismo. Texas is a delicious bowl of chili, but unfortunately, a bunch of idiots keep adding those three beans to the recipe.
I get told that because I prefer older men I have some kind of father complex, and it bothers the hell out of me. What do I tell these people who keep insisting that my preferences are from having a lack of father in my life? I probably should ignore them but it’s really starting to get to me.
Ignore them if you want, but it’s not gonna stop bothering you until you come to accept the underlying truth in it. Of course, you also need to accept that it’s not a flaw. There’s absolutely no shame in the correlation.
I have friends who never stop babbling about how technology is the answer and how we’re so lucky to have the web and our smart phones etc. etc. I have other friends who get off hard to Walden and are constantly mourning this collective loss of physical experience to the virtual. I see both sides but can’t really vibe with either extreme. Where do you draw your lines?
Please. Thoreau would’ve never logged off of tumblr. We’re the luckiest motherfuckers in the history of the species to have the internet and all its accoutrements. There’s no need to make a false dichotomy out of the physical and the virtual. All you have to do is maintain a balance and draw the lines at common courtesy.
What are your thoughts on elon musk?
I like Elon. I was acquainted with him briefly during his first marriage, and I found him to be a genuinely fascinating dude. I know he comes across as a bit of a Bond villain, but of all the billionaires I’ve met, he’s the one most worthy of his fortune.
Thanks for posting so much lately! I’m sure I’m not alone in expressing how awesome it’s been. Just curious—why the change in pace?
Honestly? I’m procrastinating. There’s other shit I should be doing right now.
What would you like to be doing when your 65?
My nails. Yoga. Younger men.
What’s wrong with having a life partner?
Nothing. I’m all for it, but let’s please make a distinction between the institution of marriage and what it means to have a life partner.
Why is tradition important?
History is important, and tradition is applied history. (Of course, that’s not to say you can’t interpret and/or write your own history.)
Why does everyone assume you’re white?
I guess I seem pretty white.
The days when I do want to live, I don’t know where to start. What do I do?
Start by making your bed.
There needs to be a word to express a feeling of admiration that you have for someone because they’ve done something cool/fun/interesting that you also wish you could do. Like envy, but without the resentment. Does such a word exist?
Pretty sure the word you’re looking for is esteem.
Has this decade’s culture been an improvement over the 00’s?
Too early to tell. In fact, I think this decade will be defined by uncertainty. The art will be good, but the politics will be brutal.
I used to love giving head. I’m still happy to do it for him, but it’s not fun for me anymore. What’s up with that??
If his dick was Candy Crush, you’d be on level 455. That’s why it’s not fun anymore. It’s a puzzle that you’ve already solved.
Are you this sardonic in person? Do you get along with children?
I get along with cool people of any age.
How do you shut a bunch of slut shaming bitches up?
Leftover bondage tape.
Palo Alto isn’t a city. It’s a suburb that won the lottery.
Sacramento is the most self-deprecating state capital in the country. Everyone I’ve ever met from Sacramento has been super cool, and yet no one seems proud to be from there.
What about San Diego?
San Diego is an ignorant douche-bro in a backwards baseball cap who deserves to get stabbed in the face by Tijuana.
What about Salt Lake City?
Salt Lake City is that girl in church camp who everyone thinks is a goody-two-shoes, but secretly smokes cigarettes and gives blowjobs behind the cafeteria.
Savannah is a spoiled little rich girl who calls herself an artist and thinks she’s being rebellious by dating a black guy.
Portland feels like cheating, like it would be too easy to live a happy and healthy life surrounded by quirky and intelligent people.
I hesitate to ask: Omaha, NE?
It’s a little known fact, but much like the Vatican in Rome, Omaha is actually a sovereign city-state ruled by Warren Buffett.
Come on, darlin. Tell me about Vermont.
I love Vermont. It’s my secret fantasy to move there one day. You think I’m joking, but I’m not.
Paris is the only city.
Thoughts on Vegas?
Vegas is a prostitute who wears too much make-up. If you know the right locals, she can be a hooker with a heart of gold, but still, you’ll always have to leave your money on the nightstand.
Dare I ask: Atlanta.
I’ve said it before, Atlanta is a gaudy label whore who knows how to have a good time. I like Atlanta. It’s the unofficial capital of the south, and far and away the best Real Housewives franchise.
Dallas! How do you feel about Dallas?
Dallas is a bipolar trophy wife who secretly voted for Obama, partly so she could feel sophisticated, partly out of white guilt, but mostly just to spite her rich republican husband.
What about Houston?
When people talk shit about Texas, what they’re really talking shit about is Houston.
If Florida is America’s penis, Tampa is America’s raging case of herpes.
What about Miami?
Miami is not America. Miami is the VIP section of Cuba.
What about places in Connecticut?
There’s nothing in Connecticut but insurance companies and Yale.
What about Kansas City?
I’m honestly wondering how long you’ll keep reviewing cities before you start snarking all over us for continuing to ask. Let’s try Rochester, NY?
You probably don’t want me snarking all over you when the only thing your town is known for is something called a “red hot garbage plate.”
Are we just doing American cities? What about Toronto? We gave the world Drake!
Yeah, thanks. You can have him back.
You are so terribly fuckin’ wrong. You are what is known as a “Cunt”. Cunt.
You are definitely from Chicago.
I’ll ask. Thoughts on New Orleans?
New Orleans is a filthy pile of hot sex and shit. Everything there is thick. The air. The women. The patois. Just thinking of that city makes me want to get fucked on a balcony. The rest of America doesn’t deserve New Orleans.
What about Austin?
Austin is like a hot guy, but a hot guy who’s only hot when he lets his beard grow out, and that’s great for a one night stand, but if you ever had a long term thing you’d always be forced to choose between dealing with his prickly whiskers or him not being as hot.
What about Boston?
Boston is a city with a rich and important history, but until those people learn how to pronounce the letter R, I really can’t have anything to do with it.
I will admit, your cheese steaks are delicious, but other than that, I’ve always wondered what you guys were so damned proud of.
What do you think of North Carolina?
Charlotte is a sprawling suburban nightmare of homogenized American mediocrity, but Asheville is quite lovely.
As long as you’re talking cities, what about Phoenix?
Phoenix is a desert hellscape filled with angry, dehydrated republicans.
What about New Mexico?
I hear your meth is fantastic.
Caught him fucking my sister. Him, I can dump. What do I do about her?
Be rightfully pissed as long as you need to be. Eventually forgive her, and then never trust her around your man again.
I feel like my life has no story yet.
It does. You just don’t know how to tell it.
How do you deal with people who send too many text messages?
Tell them to stop sending so many text messages. Duh. If blocking them isn’t an option, you can always just assign them a silent ring tone and ignore them.
I have the exact same position on gun licensing. So how would you feel about a birthing license?
Fuck that ridiculous hypothetical. A birthing license is an Orwellian infringement on a woman’s natural right to control her own reproductive health. (You don’t have a natural right to own a gun. At best, it’s just a legal right, which is why I have no problem with gun licensing.)
I’m an atheist at a Catholic university. What should I take to fulfill the six credit theology requirement?
Take whatever classes you can in comparative religion. Look for classes that are centered around theological critique, especially ones that infuse current scientific debate into the curriculum.
Can you explain James Deen’s appeal?
He’s cute, smart, funny, a little bit dangerous, and he obviously knows how to fuck. What’s not to like? Porno dudes are usually such creepy yoked up douchebags. It’s refreshing to see a nice jewish boy get worked into the mix.
Why did you choose not to marry money?
Because of the man it came with.
Oh, I get it - Coquette sounds like “Coke Head”
Welcome to the party.