I constantly feel it’s only a matter of time before one of us cheats. Should I just end it?
Perhaps, but ending it won’t fix your trust issues.

Why am I significantly more attracted to a guy knowing that he’s dated a fuck ton of hot chicks?
The same reason all your clothes have logos on them.

What do you say to a 26-year-old man who claims he might never be able to love again?
Say, “Lose my number, douchebag.”

Do you ever think you might be wrong?
I’m wrong all the damn time.

I feel like I’ve noticed a general trend of you being nicer in your responses? Is that purposeful?
Nope. Come to think of it, you guys have been sending much higher quality questions lately. I think we’re all growing up a little.

How far can you excuse someone’s behaviour because of the shit hand they were dealt?
That’s up to you, but remember, there’s a difference between a reason and an excuse. Just because you know the reason for someone’s behavior, that doesn’t mean you have to excuse it.

Is the G spot really a myth? I can’t cum without touching my clit.
The G spot is real. G spot orgasms are real. Don’t act like you’ve got the only vagina in the universe.

I need a verdict. Rich Manhattan moms hiring handicapped tour guides so their kids can skip lines at Disney? Douche, gauche, touche, meh…?
What a perfect metaphor for the American social class system.

How can I let go of the belief that beauty matters?
Beauty matters. Just quit letting other people tell you what’s beautiful.

I’m a 20-year-old atheist who wants to be more spiritual. What do I do?
Study philosophy, psychology, and comparative religion. Don’t get involved with any organization that relies on its own spiritual jargon.

Should I study fashion design, anthropology, or declare a double major?
Sure, why not? Declare a double major and make your degree twice as useless. It’s not like you have to get a job after college or anything.

I’m finishing college, and I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that college has been the most anticlimactic experience I’ve ever had.
Good. Maybe now you’ll think twice before believing in our society’s institutionalized bullshit. Enjoy your twenties.

What’s the difference between bisexual and pansexual?
A basic understanding of gender fluidity.

Is there any REASONABLE explanation as to why a national gun registry would be so terrible?
Nope.

Are you a libertarian?
Nope.

Are you a Buddhist?
Nope.

Are you more of a nihilist or an absurdist?
An absurdist is just an nihilist with a sense of humor.

I love my partner so much it kind of sucks actually. Like I can never hang out with them for long enough, and it’s hard to get out of bed in the morning because I don’t want to stop snuggling and talking with them. It bums me out. Please advise.
You are high on a drug. Act accordingly.

What do you think of the argument that the Universe is a computer simulation? Does it matter? I find that idea sort of terrifying.
The simulation hypothesis is a metaphysical toy, but hey, any time you make a little eye contact with the abyss, it’s bound to freak you out a bit.

I’ve always wanted to lose my virginity in an orgy. Is that a spectacularly bad idea?
It’s not so much a bad idea as it is an impractical one. Losing your virginity during group sex would be one thing, but an orgy implies a certain kind of frenzied anonymity that just isn’t for beginners.

Can sex be meaningless?
I hate to break it to you, but everything is meaningless.

Is sex overrated?
The kind for sale on TV is overrated, but the real thing is pretty fucking great.

I’ve never been broken up with. I’ve ended the few serious relationships I’ve been in. This bothers me, but I’m not sure what to do about it.
That’s not what bothers you. What bothers you is that you don’t know whether you’ve ever really been in love.

After seeing that video of amanda bynes, you still don`t think she’s trying to pull some Joaquin Phoenix ‘I’m still here” type shit? It just seemed way too theatrical and ridiculous.
Who gives a fuck? Amanda Bynes could announce tomorrow that her twitter account is a poetic contemplation of Baudrillard’s Precession of Simulacra, and I still wouldn’t be impressed with her ratchet ass bullshit.

Do you still believe in gender roles? How do you define “manhood”?
Manhood is the state of being an adult male. Anything more specific than that is a matter of culture, and I don’t particularly care to define it. As for gender roles, yes, I believe they still exist.

Should I tell my ex I cheated on him a year ago? I know I’m a piece of shit.
If it would hurt him, don’t do it. You don’t get to confess at his expense.

Why were the 90s so much better?
They weren’t. Not at all. Neither were the 70s or the 50s. Certain aspects of culture are just cyclical, and this is when a few wet chunks of the 90s will come gurgling back up the drain.

Should the federal drinking age be lowered?
Federally? There should be no drinking age.

I really like fucking gender A but am dating someone of gender B, whom I also enjoy fucking. If I exclusively commit to/marry/make adorable babies with said B-gendered person, will I always miss gender A sex?
Yep. You’ll always miss gender A sex. Eventually, you’ll also miss gender B sex with someone other than your exclusive B-gendered partner. Sorry, babe. Monogamy is twice as hard when you’re bisexual.

Do periods and commas go inside or outside quotation marks?
Inside.

Your slab serif font is cute, but a little “so two years ago.”
A passive aggressive graphic designer? Cute. Fred Armisen could play you in a Portlandia sketch or something.

Are drugs bad?
Nope. Addiction is bad. Human weakness is bad, but drugs are just a bunch of chemicals, and chemicals are morally inert.

Is Amanda Bynes just playing a huge joke on everyone?
She’s fucking around a little, poking the celebrity machine with a stick during her free-fall into obscurity, but don’t confuse her twitter account with performance art. Amanda Bynes is no Andy Kaufman.

Sometimes casual sex makes me feel powerful and sometimes it makes me feel hollow. What’s up with that?
It’s not the sex. It’s whether your expectations meet with reality.

What’s the best way to form an opinion on something?
With as little ignorance and as much rationality as possible.

Can you love (romantically) two people at once?
Sure. Happens all the time. It rarely ends well, but hey, good luck.

Are you afraid of being in love with someone?
Nope. I’m much more afraid of someone being in love with me.

I need ideas for dirty talk in the bedroom. I’m not into ‘slut’, but ‘that feels so fuckin’ good’ is just getting old…
The trick to dirty talk is using the second person imperative mood to describe the physical action as it’s taking place in the moment. When in doubt, just fall back on basic “verb (suck, lick, fuck) that adjective (hard, wet, hot) noun (cock, pussy, ass)” sentence structure.

Is it OK for me to send a mean-spirited text message to my husband’s ex-girlfriend who still pursues him (not a real threat because he’s not interested)? On one hand it would feel kind of shitty, but it also seems like it would be satisfying.
I feel sorry for your husband.

I keep typing Deaf Coquette.
Use your middle finger.

So is Beyonce black or white?
Beyonce is gold.

How important is money?
Wealth is important. Money is just paper.

What do you think of Sheryl Sandberg and her ‘Lean In’ book?
I think it’s the literary equivalent of vanilla scented hand sanitizer, but hey, kudos to Sheryl for squeezing $24.95 out of everyone who owns a pant suit.

Do you believe if you work hard enough, you’ll get where you need to be?
Of course not. Work hard, sure, but there are no guarantees in this life. Wherever you end up, it’s definitely not going to be what you expect.

Why can’t my mom just be happy for me?
Because there’s nothing in it for her.

How long is too long to hold a grudge before it starts to become pathetic?
Eleven minutes.

What do you do if you have no inner strength?
Find external sources of strength and exploit them.

Why do I always fall for guys that I barely know?
Because they’re a blank slate onto which you can project your fantasies.

I just want to date myself. Or at least someone very similar to me. I know it’s narcissistic, but is it wrong?
You only think you want to date yourself because you’re blind to the fact that you’re insufferable. (I promise, you wouldn’t put up with your own bullshit.) What you really want is to date someone who allows you to be yourself, despite the fact that you’re an asshole. Good luck.

how do i know if my poetry is any good? will you read it?
Nobody wants to read your shitty poetry.

You are one of the nastiest and most judgemental people I have ever come across on the web.
You live a small and sheltered life.

What’s the best way to embrace becoming newly single?
A brief period of self-assessment that doesn’t become self-absorption.

What is a socially acceptable amount of people to sleep with before you get married?
You know what’s socially unacceptable? A preoccupation with how many sexual partners you or anyone else might have had.

How the fuck do people keep their living spaces clean? I’m a functioning adult in every other way but goddamn being neat eludes me.
Try Unfuck Your Habitat. It’s like a tumblr support group for people like you.

When does youth end and middle age begin?
In our capitalist consumer-driven culture, it’s when you’re no longer targeted by advertisers trying to reach the 18-34 demographic.

Cynicism is damaging my mental and physical health. What can I do?
Quit internalizing all the negativity. Recognize that you’re not in control of how other people behave, and just let some shit go.

He says that he’s punching above his weight and that I’m slumming it. Can this relationship work?
It can, but it won’t. (You’ll eventually lose respect for him.)

Why does sex always complicate things?
Because you let it.

How do you know you’re going in the right direction?
You don’t.

Well… how do you fill the existential void then?
You don’t.

This isn’t meant to be sarcastic or mean-spirited whatsoever, but why should we take advice from you?
Exactly!

I just realized you don’t know shit, because no one does, and it was very liberating.
You get a cookie.

I emotionally manipulate people. Say the words to make me stop.
Expecto Patronum

Do you believe in the antichrist?
Bitch, please.

I’m about to get “WWCTD” tattooed right on the front of my right wrist. As in, I’m at the tattoo parlor right now. I just thought I would let you know that you are literally someone I consider a close friend.
Send me pics!

How does one deal with post-ecstasy depression?
5-HTP supplements and enough presence of mind to know that the funk will lift in a couple days.

If he’s the right guy but it’s the wrong time, is he the wrong guy?
He’s just a guy. The rest of it is all silly bullshit.

What is the best way to build confidence?
Experience.

Why does everyone piss me off so much?
You’re just angry at yourself, and you’re projecting that anger onto others.

How can I stay sane while dating a much younger guy? He is 20s, I am 40s. It’s hot but fraught.
Quit trying to date. Just fuck. Don’t make it something it’s not. Also — and this is for your own good — don’t ever again use the phrase “hot but fraught.”

Is it true that you either have it or you don’t?
Are you talking about talent, or are you talking about herpes?

I’ve just come out of what has hands down been the worst experience of my life. I will never complain about depression again. Over the past few months I’ve done some solid reckoning with the abyss, and I’m proud to say I see what you fucking mean. It is good just to be alive.
Fuck yeah, it is.

Why do people get stuck in adolescence? It’s shit.
Yeah, but it’s shit without any accountability.

Are you still a virgin if you use a vibrator?
You’re still a virgin if you have to ask this question.

Why do I always feel bad about myself after I hook up with people at parties?
You were taught to be ashamed of your sexuality. Plus, you do stupid shit when you get fucked up.

Which Hitchens book should I gift an idealistic, twenty-something divorce lawyer?
Letters to a Young Contrarian

Why does Will Smith never age?
Black don’t crack. Everyone knows this.

Do you think world peace is possible?
Not at our current stage of sociocultural evolution.

Dying to know: What do you think about the HBO show Girls?
It does not get to have one of my opinions.

you’re such a cunt. I bet you’re fat and unlovable
Well, now I know your two greatest fears.

Why does everyone assume you’re a famous person?
Everyone doesn’t, but the ones who do tend to think that the only reason a person wouldn’t want fame is because they already have it.

Have you ever wanted kids? You’d be a good parent.
The thought of squeezing tiny humans out of my vagina truly horrifies me.

Where do I go as an atheist to confess? You’re the closest thing to a secular priest around here…
Confess to me if you like, but I can’t grant absolution. No one can do that for you but yourself.

I wear plaid shirts, and have been ever since I learned to dress myself. Does this make me an asshole?
It’s not the shirts.

My girlfriend of 3 years fell out of love with me and wouldn’t even grant me one last goodbye fuck. She’s a prick, right?
Nope. You are.

What’s your myers briggs type?
BAMF

How do you pronounce your name?
With a capital C.

How did you do it? How did you get out of podunk?
I drove.

I know you’re not religious, and this question isn’t meant to be taken in any other way except as in a dinner party type conversation… What would you sell your soul to the devil for?
A better soul.

How would you define masculinity? What does a man act like, versus, say, an overgrown fratboy?
You’re confusing masculinity for maturity. The two have very little in common.

Is hooking up the only way to start a relationship?
Nope. It’s not even a very good one.

At what age do you kinda need to get your shit together?
The sooner the better.

Dear Coquette,

What’s the best way to deal with disappointment?
Learn from it, and then let it go.

How do women deal with men when they are all misogynistic tools?
Overgeneralization and disrespect probably aren’t good places to start.

I try to make my life out like it’s tragic but really it’s just pointless, and that’s a hundred times worse.
Tragic is infinitely worse than pointless. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just a drama queen with no sense of scale.

Are you afraid of anything?
Agressive ignorance and undercooked chicken.

Is it wise to rekindle a once co-dependent relationship now that we’ve had some time apart and know what to avoid?
Asking this question proves you don’t know what to avoid.

I have sociopathic tendencies. How do I change?
Pretend you’re a good person.

Is there any other way to live life besides going to school and then working until you die?
Yes.

What advice would you give about what is important when traveling abroad?
Make it about people, not places. If you visit a country without getting to know some locals, then you haven’t actually been there.

Do you agree that guys should pay (at least) half the bill when a girl has to purchase Plan B or an abortion? If so, how does one go about asking him for that?
You shouldn’t have to ask. Just tell him what you’re having to do, and the guy should volunteer to pay. If he doesn’t, you should never speak to him again.

How the hell is it possible for recent grads to find jobs when “entry level” requires three years of experience?
Entry level at a particular company doesn’t mean entry level in your field, but hey, if there’s a job you want and you think you’re qualified, quit whining and hustle.

How big is big enough?
You know when it’s too big? Yeah. A little smaller than that.

I’m lonely a lot although I have lots of friends and family around me all the time. How does this make sense?
Separate the idea of loneliness from the idea of being alone. You feel loneliness because you’re disconnected from others, and as long as you’re disconnected, being in their physical presence won’t change anything.

How can someone have low self-esteem and an enormous ego at the same time?
It’s easy. You don’t have to like yourself to think you’re the center of the world.