On fun-sized advice

I just graduated from a top college with no debt, a bit of money saved, no boyfriend, and no ties to any city. What would you do?
Have a cookie, and then go get a fucking job.


Is it wrong or inappropriate of me to ask someone I’m dating to get an std check before having sex with them?
There’s nothing wrong with asking, but it does require some tact.


It seems that the general consensus is that if someone cheats on you, they don’t love you. But isn’t the real problem that they don’t respect you?
You’re assuming that the cheating has anything to do with you in the first place. It might, of course, but the real problem with cheaters isn’t in whether they love or respect you. The real problem is in the fact that they are untrustworthy and don’t have any integrity.


What’s your favorite Bible passage to roll up in a quick joint?
Revelation 18:9, although pretty much anything from Revelations will do.


I feel fairly certain my boyfriend is fucking his male best friend. I know it sounds crazy… which is why I really can’t say it out loud. What do I do?
It doesn’t sound crazy. Gather what evidence you have, and calmly ask him whether he’s ever had any sexual contact with his friend. Regardless of the answer, be prepared for your relationship to end.


In your post “On black market economics,” you said that “you write with an Australian accent. I can almost hear this guy mansplaining.” Just curious to know if you think that Australian men mansplain more than others. This is coming from an Australian woman, concerned that she’s tolerating more mansplaining than she should because she’s normalised so much of it.
I’m not sure whether Australian men mansplain more, but drunk men certainly do, so that’s probably the correlation.


What is it about Burning Man that makes me so fucking angry?
I dunno. Maybe it’s the fundamental bourgeois hypocrisy of all that privileged self-indulgence. Maybe it’s the insufferable faux-counterculture aesthetic. Then again, maybe you’re just angry because you don’t understand it. Maybe you should find a way to go next year. Maybe you’ll figure it all out on the Playa.

On more fun-sized advice

what can i tell my friend when she says emotions are a form of weakness?
Tell your friend that pain and vulnerability are not the same thing as weakness.


Why do I want him to want me when I’m not even sure if I want him?
You don’t have to want the boy to still want the validation.


How do I quit torturing myself over things I’ve said/whether I’ve offended anyone after every night out? It’s fucking with my zen mode big time.
Oh, fuck off. You don’t have a zen mode, and you torture yourself because you like the way it feels. You’d rather labor under the false impression that you might have offended someone than accept the fact that nobody gives a shit.


How would you define the difference between literary and commercial/genre fiction? I’ve only found either old-fashioned answers or “I’ll know it when I see it” stuff.
There is no difference. Good writing is good writing. The distinction between literature and paraliterature is nothing more than cultural politics at the intersection of art and commerce.


I’m an academic. When a fellow academic says, “Hey, I’d love to talk about your research over coffee”, and when you agree to said coffee, and said coffee is then reconfigured as a dinner that he’s paying for… you’ve just been duped into a date, right?
If you think his intentions are something other than professional, feel free to cancel, but two colleagues discussing research over dinner isn’t a date. It’s business. You haven’t been duped unless he tries to get too personal or makes some kind of romantic overture. If that happens (or if you think it’s going to happen), just put him in his place.


Why do white males always have to make everything about them?
Because everything has always been about them.


I nominate you for the ice bucket challenge.
Go fuck yourself.


How you gonna leave us hanging on VMA night !?
I’m sorry, but I can’t even pretend to give a shit about live tweeting award show nonsense right now.


Do you believe Beyonce is a feminist?
Really? Really?

On fun-sized advice

Your take on the Ferguson Riots?
You mean the Ferguson Police Action?


Is everything extra fucked recently, or am I just paying more attention?
Yes.


How are we going to make it through this fucking month?
This is nothing.


How do I respond to people that keep saying that Ferguson wasn’t racially motivated and that we “don’t know what really happened?”
Call them racist and watch their heads explode. It’s fun. (Anyone who still thinks the events in Ferguson aren’t racially motivated is in denial about their own latent racism. Go ahead and push their buttons. Fuck with them. They’re assholes, and they deserve it.)


Update more. I need your words injected directly into my veins, please.
I appreciate that, but I’m over here trying to take the whole month of August off. Turns out, I can’t unplug. Not really, and certainly not now when real shit is happening in the world. I’ll be back in a couple weeks. Maybe sooner. We’ll see. In the meantime, I’m only gonna be posting if I can’t help myself.

On fun-sized advice

I am not familiar with the idea of a cigar of shame.
You’re obviously too young to remember the Clinton Presidency.


Have you ever dated someone really rich? What’s it like? And don’t get cute with me talking about metaphorical wealth I mean $$$$$$
You realize that when you date someone wealthy, it doesn’t suddenly become your money, right?


How do I get and keep a rich boyfriend?
You’re not hot enough.


I’m having trouble distinguishing the difference between one bad instance and a mark of true character. How do you tell?
Motive.


A guy I just started dating and I had sex for the first time in the middle of the day and he was going down on me while Sam Smith was on and it was the best orgasm ever. Now I can’t stop listening to Sam Smith.
Nice. That’s how I became a fan of alt-J.


Why is everybody like “Robin Williams” and nobody like “Lauren Bacall”? It’s Lauren Bacall, for Christ’s sake!
Lauren Bacall is a legend and a badass, but she hasn’t been culturally relevant for half a century. Plus, she died during the refractory period of our collective grief-gasm for Robin Williams. We didn’t have another one in us quite yet.


Thoughts on D/s relationships? Have you ever been in one, and do you have any advice for someone who’s considering it? I’d appreciate it.
I’ve been in several. It’s not really my thing anymore, nor is it the kind of subject where generic advice is particularly useful, and since I don’t know anything about you, the best I can do is point you to a book called SM 101 and either the Bottoming Book or the Topping Book (or both).


If it is all about oil then would we as a nation be smart to do what Germany is doing and move quickly to 100% renewable energy? Or we might keep our ban on exporting oil and use all the oil we just found in Utah to stay caked in the stuff till we no longer need it. Thoughts?

If we were smart, we wouldn’t just make it about us. We’d spearhead a multinational push for renewable energy. I talk about that more in depth in my post "On Our Ecosystem."

On fun-sized advice

please talk about mike brown. please.please bring light as to what’s happening in Ferguson.
Fuck. The. Police.


What do you mean by “Israel is a castled rook, and the Palestinians are pawns”?

Learn how to play chess, read a book on geopolitical strategy, and figure it out for yourself.


Why would anyone want to be a big fish in a small pond, rather than small fish in a big pond?
So as not to get eaten.


Am I an asshole for doing whatever it means for me to succeed, even if it means ripping out peoples’ throats if they get in my way?
Yes. In fact, you’re an asshole just for talking like that.


Your playlists don’t pause. Please add functionality.

Yes they do. The play button turns into a pause button and appears in the lower left of the album cover art during playback. Pay attention.


Your Robin Williams entry made me feel ill. “A father figure for our generation”? He acted in a few hollywood comedies that you watched; that’s the extent of the involvement he had in your life. Stop grasping at straws to turn a hollywood suicide into a way to make this about you.
Ew. You’re a gross little person. I hope you really did feel ill. I hope it was physically debilitating. I hope it ruined your whole night, and I hope in the future, you get that same ill feeling every time your emotional ignorance causes you to miss the fucking point. Maybe then you’d stop acting like such a piece of shit.

On fun-sized advice

How do people really into BDSM go from slapping and blindfolding and belittling their partners to ‘ok we have to go grocery shopping now’… seems so awkward afterwards.
If things seem awkward afterwards, then you’re doing it wrong. (And by “it” I’m not referring to the sex, kinky or otherwise. I’m referring to clear and open communication with your partner.)


What is the difference between male ego and regular ego?
What’s the difference between a male human and a regular human?


Is love without the forever part worth it?
There is no forever part. Everything is temporary. What you’re really asking is whether love without the commitment part is worth it. I tend to think it is, but it won’t feel that way during the phase of inevitable heartbreak.


I’ve been dating this guy for 8 months. I think he’s pretty much perfect, but we haven’t said I love you. Is it odd he hasn’t said it yet or should I give him time and not rush him? Or should I just suck it up and tell him?
Why tell it to him when you can’t even tell it to yourself? You didn’t say, “I love him.” You said, “I think he’s pretty much perfect,” which is code for, “He meets all of my criteria, but I’m not really in love with him.” Sorry, babe. If you can’t even say it to yourself, saying it out loud won’t suddenly make it true.


My roommate expects me to treat her like a sick child while she’s hungover. She wants me to make her food, bring her juice, rub her head, etc. I feel like she brought the hangover on herself, so she should take care of herself the next day. Am I insensitive? Or is she an entitled brat?
Bitch can get her own juice.


You made a typo in that last post.
Thanks, but if you wanna be on my spellcheck patrol squad, you’re gonna have to include the title of the post and the specific error.


Aren’t you ever tired of pretending to care?
I may get exhausted from time to time, but I’m not pretending.


Tell me what to do.

Think for yourself.

On more fun-sized advice

There’s this one male cashier around my age at the supermarket who consistently calls me “sweetheart.” As I near my mid-30s these types of dismissively sexist comments annoy me more and more. Should I just let it go, or should I say something?
I think you’ll find “I’m not your fucking sweetheart” to be one of the most deeply satisfying phrases in the entirety of the English language.


When my boyfriend broke up with me, he said our relationship “filled him with existential dread.” What the fuck does that even mean? I know what existential dread is, but what does that have to do with our dearly departed relationship?
The relationship had your boyfriend contemplating the idea of forever, and it freaked him out. It was a polite (if not pretentious) way of saying that the mere thought of spending the rest of his life with you terrified him.


So, we know where you stand on cheating and being the other man/woman but what do you think about telling someone they’re being cheated on? Do you think people have a right to know or should a third party just mind their own business?
There’s a lot to be said for minding your own business, but there’s also a good case for applying the golden rule — it really just depends on the situation. When you’re trying to balance compassion with discretion, let loyalty guide you further than honesty.


I just figured out that nobody has The Right Answer because there’s no such thing as The Right Answer, and it has me feeling real fucking lost. I didn’t realize how much I’ve always depended on other people to make decisions for me until now, yet I don’t trust myself to make those decisions either. How do I recover from this?
Recover? No, there is no recovery. You wouldn’t wanna go back even if you had the option. You aren’t lost. You’re just burdened by the philosophical equivalent of adolescence and what you imagine to be your own free will. Just go be a good person, and don’t be afraid to keep growing.


I’ve been going on a bunch of dates recently and while I have fun, the guys are nice, the conversation is interesting, the sex is good, I just feel so … hollow afterwards. I feel very distant from the experience. What gives?
Pretty simple, really. Casual dating (while occasionally fun) doesn’t satisfy your desperate craving for a deep spiritual, physical, and emotional connection to another human being. The hollow feeling is just a friendly reminder.


Nothing makes me feel smaller or uglier or more like a piece of shit than someone I care about showing romantic interest in me, and I don’t know why. I wish I could get people to stop.
The reason it makes you feel small and ugly is because you consider romantic interest to be an unsolicited sexualization of a platonic relationship. It’s a shift in how you think a person values you, one that degrades your own self-worth. It doesn’t have to, though. The trick is in realizing and fully accepting that you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re not the one betraying the fundamental nature of the relationship. They are.

On fun-sized advice*

I’m insecure. Super fucking insecure. Need people to like me insecure. I recognize the problem. I want to change. How?
It’s not that you need people to like you. It’s that you need people to approve of you, and you don’t know the difference. Stop seeking approval.


Is this it? Being social, having friends, making small talk, it just doesn’t appeal to me anymore. Not that it ever really did, but I never thought I’d be so bored with everything at 25.
Go DO something, asshole.


Every time I tell my partner they’re doing something that upsets me, they take it as a personal attack of me reminding them how “fucked up and terrible” they are. What do I do?
Stop putting up with manipulative bullshit from an insecure partner.


Am I bi if I only sleep with women and don’t like dick, but fool around with men I feel comfortable with?
I’m not sure whether you’re a predominantly homosexual woman coming to terms with incidental heterosexual tendencies or a predominantly heterosexual man coming to terms with incidental homosexual tendencies, but it’s entirely up to you whether you choose to identify as bisexual. You can if you want, you don’t have to if you don’t, and no one else gets to decide but you.


Lesbians with daddy issues. Please explain.
You know lesbians have fathers, right?


That was a pretty scary looking message you got, so I’m wondering… do you get a lot of really vicious stuff in your mail? I know you get plenty of morons but that stuff is outright stomach churning.
It wasn’t scary at all. It was sad and desperate. Usually I ignore the angry letters, but if someone says my advice added to their friend’s trauma, then I take that kind of thing seriously. There’s a time for snark and there’s a time for genuine empathy.


Please don’t compliment people when you get scared of them, it just looks pitiful — either hold your ground or fight back.
You’re as terrible at reading the situation as you are at giving advice.


I love how you start sucking up to the person who wants to punch your face in.
I love how you think you know what you’re talking about.



* Whoever keeps sending links to that Dennis Prager video about Israel, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to peer into the abyss of your willfull ignorance. Just so we’re clear, Prager is a sanctimonious blowhard, and that video (like everything he does) is cheap propaganda for right-wing simpletons. The very fact that you think it “informs” is terrifying. Please go away now.

On fun-sized advice

If someone openly says that they are not a good person, and also includes that they don’t know what it means to love someone, would it be stupid to date them? Is it stupid to even ask?
They are either telling the truth, and you shouldn’t date them, or they are playing games with you, and you shouldn’t date them.


What am I supposed to do when I’m in love with two different people?
That’s not a “supposed to do” situation. What do you want to do? Try doing that. (If you’re honest with the people involved, and they don’t want what you want, then at that point, hopefully you’ll know more about what best to do.)


What would you say to a loved one who is addicted to meth that tells you not to judge their sins differently than yours?

Addiction isn’t a sin. It’s a psychobiological mechanism that leads to shitty behavior — super shitty in the case of meth addiction — and you should feel free to judge that shitty behavior however you damn well please, because as a loved one, the negative consequences affect you too.


Friend’s bf said she has a rape statistic mentality. Friend offended at the wording. Asked bf, he says he meant she behaves like a victim, won’t take responsibility. Who’s right?
Your friend might very well have a victim mentality, but her boyfriend is definitely a dick for so casually referring to victims as “rape statistics.”


Why do you need the assurance that your questions are from humans?
Because I was tired of getting spam from robots.


What’s up the new heading font? WE FEAR CHANGE. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US.

Yes, I changed a font. It added a small measure of visual consistency across my sites. Plus, I just felt like it. Those of you who dig it, thanks for letting me know. Those of you who hate it, chill the fuck out. You’ll be used to it by Labor Day.


You’re always like “hey don’t assume I’m white, I’m anonymous and you don’t know shit blah blah.” Bitch, we’ve all seen your pasty fingers with hatefuck nails and holdin up a book in Powells. You’re white.

Bitch, all you can tell from pictures of my nails is that I ain’t Lupita Nyong’o. Maybe I’m Puerto Rican Barbie. Maybe I’m Blackanese. Maybe I’m whiter than Wonderbread stuck in Taylor Swift’s front teeth. Who the fuck knows? Point is, my privilege is checked to death and my nails look fucking fabulous.


Have you ever been punched?
Sure. Have you ever been fucked in the ass?

On fun-sized advice

Do you think Beyonce & Jay-Z have a monogamous marriage?
I don’t think it’s any of our motherfucking business.


Why do I scare guys I like away, and attract the ones I don’t?
That’s just your confirmation bias talking.


Why is it so fucking hard to lose those last 10 pounds?
Because the law of diminishing returns is a real thing.


The moment’s passed, obviously, but any advice as to what to do when I’m blowing a guy (on and off again bf), I look up and he’s checking his fucking phone, mid-fellatio?
If you’re just trying to get him off, feel free to immediately end the blowjob. If there’s something in it for you (like you’re getting him hard enough to fuck, or you simply enjoy sucking dick) then it’s up to you whether to give a shit. In my experience, it’s better to find that kind of thing funny rather than insulting.


To be a lawyer, do you think one should completely be abiding of the law? I get the feeling the answer’s already ‘no’, but I just don’t have any grasp of how to explain why.
No one can nor should be completely abiding of the law. If you want a better grasp on explaining why, first learn the fundamental differences between the concepts of morality, ethics, justice, and the law.


What age or when should I stop fighting wrinkles?
That’s entirely up to you, but there’s a difference between fighting wrinkles and taking care of your skin. Taking care of your skin is something you do for your own personal good health and well being. Fighting wrinkles is something you do in furtherance of ageist, patriarchal beauty standards. The regimens may be identical, but the underlying rationale makes all the difference in the world.


Thoughts on the end of Californication? You were an early fan. Have you stuck with it to the end or did you give up a couple seasons back when it got really bad?
I stuck with it, but it was awful. I was glad to see it end. Hank Moody deserved better than to become a boring clown surrounded by misogynistic cartoons.


What does your dream wedding dress look like?
The one Stephanie Seymour wore in the November Rain video. (That’s not so much a dream wedding dress as it is a “sex dream” wedding dress.)


What’s the best insult you’ve ever come up with?
I don’t know about the best, but I’m particularly fond of this one.