On fun-sized advice

I fucking hate the shoes that my boyfriend wears.
I fucking hate the shoes your boyfriend wears too.


How do you feel about men in crop tops, a la Cudi?
Kid Cudi’s crop top was a stage costume at Coachella, not a street look. That’s the only reason it worked. Don’t anybody forget that.


He dissed my taste in music. Why does that feel like such a deal breaker?
An incompatible record collection is a classic deal breaker. It’s right up there with bad kisser.


Aren’t Putin’s actions in Crimea and Ukraine similar to Hitler’s, down to the forced registration of Jewish people?
The actions of de-facto dictators are always gonna be similar, especially if they have the capacity to wage war on a global scale.


Please help, I am calling on you in my hour of need. What are some websites I could buy a ball gown from that won’t require me to sell a kidney?
Don’t buy. Rent. (No, they’re not paying me for the link.)


Don’t you need Facebook to use Tinder? I thought you’d denounced the big blue monster.
Dude. You’re supposed to set up a bullshit Facebook account just for Tinder. If you’re a regular Facebook user and you also also want to use Tinder, never — I repeat NEVER — sign up with your regular Facebook account. Trust me on this.


Are you only answering questions from Nerve now?
Nah, last week was Coachella, and now I’m just crazy busy traveling for work.


The thought of you just existing in the wild at Coachella is really, really weird to me. Like you should be in an ivory tower with all the other VIPs, away from the common folk.
Yeah. It’s called the artist compound. That’s where I was.


Who are your role models?
Fuck role models.

On fun-sized advice

What’s your favourite part of Coachella?
It’s different every year, but there’s always a magic hour, usually on Saturday evening just after the sun sets when the air cools and everyone catches a second wind and whatever pill I dropped the previous hour starts melting my face as some undercard band pulls a crowd under a tent and transforms a thousand happy sweaty kids into a unified pulsating entity of screaming dance-fueled bliss.


Colbert as the new host of the Late Show. Thoughts?
CBS is lucky to have him, and I sincerely hope he does something fresh with the late-night talk show format.


My friend is begging me to go on a cross country road trip with him and says he will pay for gas and hotels. I know that it will be an amazing trip but I am completely broke and looking intensely for a job. I feel like if I ask my parents they would give me a few hundred dollars for this trip but I feel like I have been leaning on them my whole life. What do you think, one last fun ride or should I grow the fuck up?
Go on the road trip. Grow the fuck up. You can do both. Quit making false dichotomies out of your life.


How would you feel/respond if a guy told you “If you’re gonna act like a slut, then don’t expect to be treated as anything more.”?
It depends on who the guy is in my life, but I assure you, a blatantly misogynistic comment like that tells me everything I need to know about how little he values women, and I don’t allow people in my life who display that level of disrespect.


Sometimes I just want to ignore the guy I’m dating even though I really like him. Why?
It’s one of the ways you exert control over the power dynamics in your relationships. (Remember how your mom used to give your dad the silent treatment? Yep, there you go.)


What is the most interesting thing you’ve learned from the submissions you receive on here?
We are all exactly the same. Every last one of us.

On fun-sized advice

I’m almost in tears writing this. What are we going to do when Bill Murray dies?
Don’t worry. When he dies, on his deathbed, he’ll receive total consciousness. So, he’s got that goin’ for him, which is nice.


How do I become better at confronting someone with my true feelings in the moment? (Versus hiding behind an email or text an hour later)

Why does it have to be a confrontation?


Why doesn’t my husband want me to fuck other women?
Um, I dunno. Why don’t you ask him?


He’s never going to like me back, is he?
Nope.


Do I have to tell my boyfriend that I was raped?
Hell no. You are never obligated to tell anyone. That’s nobody else’s business unless you want it to be.


With all due respect, I feel like you throw around the Freudian daddy issue thing quite a bit. Fuck me, eh?
The one I throw around is more Jungian than Freudian, but sure, fuck you. (With all due respect.)


Do you take Xanax recreationally or do you have anxiety?
Anxiety. Specifically, PTSD related panic attacks. I don’t recommend taking benzos recreationally. There’s way too much risk of addiction for relatively little psychopharmacological reward.


Attractive millionaire, 45, offers you $1 million to sleep with him. You were gonna fuck him anyway. Do you still take the $1 million?
Are you fucking kidding? Up front. In cash.


Who are you most excited to see at Coachella?
Outkast, HAIM, Glitch Mob, Lorde, Kid Cudi, Fatboy Slim, Nas, Galantis, Naked and Famous, Flight Facilities, Daughter, Pet Shop Boys, Calvin Harris, Pharrell, Flosstradamus, Disclosure, and as always, Arcade Fire.

On more fun-sized advice

Belle Knox: feminist trailblazer or starry eyed idiot?
Neither. She’s just a sex worker getting a college education. It’s really not that big a deal, folks. Happens all the time.


What do you think of the Kim and Kanye Vogue cover? Please tell us.
Honestly, I resent that we all feel obligated to have an opinion.


Any words on the death of Fred Phelps?
Nope.


How do I stop feeling lonely when I’m with him?

If being with him makes you feel lonely, take the fucking hint.


I’m a straight woman. My friend is straight. Why is she hitting on me?
Maybe she wants to fuck you. Maybe you’re just bad at reading signals. Maybe sexual orientation is a complex and fluid aspect of the human condition that can’t be reduced to a simplistic binary label.


I treat my boyfriend badly for no reason. Why?
Because he lets you, so you don’t respect him, so you treat him badly, and thus repeats the cycle until you both hate each other.


Why do I feel awful about the fact that she makes him happier than I can?
Because your jealousy and codependency have a longer shelf life than your relationship.


What do you think about euthanizing the more useless members of society? Like, the poor or insane?
Don’t be silly. The useless members of society are the idle rich.


I hate my life and it won’t stop.
Yes it will.


Why is it that most guys like me up until I like them and then it seems they lose interest in me?
It’s not you those guys like. It’s the chase.


What kind of guy says “I don’t have one night stands” - and then disconnects from you after you sleep together?
The kind you’re better off never hearing from again.


Do you have any say in deciding what pictures accompany your Nerve columns? (I guess not.) I love your words, but the pictures provide an unintended laugh.
No, I don’t pick the stock photos. Yes, they’re ridiculous. I’ve started collecting them. I think there’s potential for comedy gold.

On fun-sized advice

How is it possible to have amazing sex with a man who doesn’t attract me at all intellectually and whose body I find repulsive?
You’re just having a little hot ugly pig sex. It happens. Try not to overthink it.


Who should pay on the first date?
Whoever asked the other person out is the one who pays, unless the person who was asked voluntarily offers to split or pick up the tab.


He ended things with me a few months back because he wasn’t feeling “the spark” and we’ve been friends every since. But last night we were both at a party and I hooked up with someone. Now he won’t talk to me. How do I tell him to get over himself? Is it even worth it?
Nope. He can get over himself, or he can go fuck himself. Either way, you don’t have to tell him shit.


My wife is fit and attractive, but her c-section scar is a total turnoff for me. What should I do? Tell her? Ask her to look into scar removal treatments? Just keep the lights off?
You should become less of a shallow, insensitive asshole.


Is it possible to have daddy issues if my dad has been there for my whole life and is generally a very supportive and kind figure?
Sure, it’s possible. Hell, we’ve all got issues. If you feel the need to label them daddy, there’s probably a reason. It could be due to some unresolved conflict in your relationship with your father, but then again, it could just be that people throw around the term “daddy issues” a bit too easily these days.


Recently (like the past couple of months) I’ve been having rape fantasies. I’ll be doing my thing, suddenly realize what I’m thinking about, and stop in my tracks completely horrified. It makes me feel disgusting and worries me, but my mind keeps traveling there. I’m starting to have anxiety about it. Should I seek help?
Nah. You’re fine. As long as it’s pure fantasy and doesn’t stem from a specific traumatic incident, then it’s really not a big deal. Rape fantasies are quite common, and they don’t mean you actually want to be raped. I promise, there’s nothing wrong with you.


I’m really great at finding hot, fun guys to fuck and having a hot night of sex. Not so great at turning it into either a regular fuck or a relationship. Any advice?
Yeah, stop trying to turn one-night-stands into ongoing relationships. Going out for a hot night of sex and going out to meet guys are two completely different rituals with completely different codes of etiquette. Separate the two in your mind, and understand that you can’t do them both at the same time.


Why do I imagine what a relationship/love affair/one night stand would be like with everyone I think is attracted to me, even when I’m not attracted to them?
Because you’re the object of the fantasy, not them. You don’t need to be attracted to them to gaze back at your own idealized reflection of whatever you think they find attractive about you.


Read this week’s column over at Nerve.com.

On fun-sized advice

I’m worried that my existence causes more harm than good.
Fuck you. Your existence isn’t significant enough to cause either harm or good. Quit worrying about your own dumb ass and just go treat people with kindness.


Can you have sexual fantasies about your platonic friends?
Of course you can.


Is it immoral to be paid to write essays for lazy college students?
If you’re helping students cheat, then it’s unethical from an institutional perspective, but if you’re not also a student, do you really give a shit about the school’s ethics? As for a moral judgement, I’d need more context. If “lazy” is the most I have to go on, then “probably” is the best answer I can give you.


I don’t steal or cheat because I understand why they’re wrong, even though when I have in the past I’ve never felt guilty, but why is lying bad?
It’s not that lying is “bad.” It’s that integrity and credibility are virtues, and lying (or any type of willful deception) puts you in a position to lose both. If people can’t trust you, then you are well and truly fucked.


I’m in my first year of working toward a phD in neuroscience. I want to supplement the neuroscience with courses that will help to give it context and meaning. What would you recommend? Philosophy?
Philosophy is great, but intro classes aren’t going to add context to a neuroscience PhD. Bridge the gap with cognitive science classes — philosophy of mind, cognitive psychology, neurolinguistics — cool shit like that.


Nerve.com is almost entirely click-bait. It’s cultural garbage. You’re very critical of other people’s creative output, maybe you should look a little closer to home.
Thanks for the input, Reverend Snooty McSmarmypants. In case you hadn’t noticed, a hot pile of cultural garbage is my signature fucking dish, and the good folks at Nerve pay me well and on time to write whatever the fuck I want. Go ahead, ask your nearest literary professional. It really doesn’t get much better than that.


I read "On Panicking." Somebody’s been watching too much True Detective. Don’t let thin Matthew McConaughey suck you in girl. There be monsters.
Ha! Please. I’ve been saying this shit for half a damn decade. I love how you heard a few well-written lines of nihilistic dialog, and suddenly I’m the one watching too much TV.


Are you @dearcoquette on Instagram? Doesn’t seem like you. I call impostor, for various reasons, but especially since that user just started following me and I post a bajillion pictures of my 7 month old child. Doesn’t seem like your gig… Or is it?
Nope, it’s not me. Whoever it is seems to be a fan, but I can’t tell whether it’s creepy or a compliment. (For the record, I don’t use Instagram or Facebook.)

On fun-sized advice

You told some chick a while back that if she married her fiancé despite his history of cheating on her, he would do it again (even if several years had passed). How can you be so sure?
Human. Fucking. Nature.


My boyfriend writes off everything I say under the guise that “I read too many books.” I can’t tell if I’m being a pretentious douchebag or if he’s just a little insecure. Who’s to blame?
He’s to blame for his ignorance and disrespect. You’re to blame for your shitty choice in boyfriends.


I’m in a new relationship but I can’t stop thinking about that crazy bitch-ex who broke my heart. I can’t seem to give this new relationship the full monty. It’s fucking everything up. What do I do?
Stop referring to your ex as a crazy bitch, and quit feeling sorry for yourself. Take responsibility for your lame bullshit. A broken heart is one thing, but this sounds like a bruised ego.


Where’s the best Mexican food in LA?

My personal favorites are El Compadre on Sunset for the basics and Rivera Downtown for the fancy stuff. (I know this question is polarizing for the locals. Feel free to leave your favorites in the comments section.)


Why do you keep trying to give us answers? You know better than anyone that there are none.
Yeah, but at least there’s Mexican food.


How do you stay motivated to do anything at all, and not just walk around filled with constant anxiety?
Xanax and new shoes.


I think I’m falling in love for the first time and I just wanted to tell somebody.
I envy you and pity you at the same time. Best of luck, and thanks for sharing.


Please introduce me to a new sex position.
Try the one where you make sober, unflinching eye contact with your partner while sharing a deep emotional connection.


Jesus christ, what happened to you today.
Nothing.

On more fun-sized advice

Why am I so bored of getting out of bed, taking showers, brushing my teeth, eating, socializing, music, television, internet and basically everything? Ugh.
Because that’s your list of basically everything.


Coquette, why I am so terribly afraid of the future?
Because you think it exists.


My dad isn’t willing to change his abusive and manipulative behaviors, so why does it scare me so much that he could die when we aren’t on speaking terms?
Because you still think your father’s behavior is a matter of will.


I love him. I’ve loved him for a long time now. I know that he loves me too… why aren’t we saying it out loud?!?!
Because you’re so desperate for it.


I just boned one of my guy friends that I’ve had a crush on for years. He’s also my boyfriend’s best friend. The sex sucked. Why am I still walking around with a huge smile on my face?
Because you’re an emotionally crippled chaos junkie.


Why does my live-in boyfriend masturbate in the shower when he could fuck a very real, willing human —me!— instead?
Because it’s not always about you.


Why does seeing a picture of my ex’s new girl pop up on social media make me feel nauseous?
Because you’re not over your ex.


Why do I feel intimidated by you?
Because you’re weak.


Why does everything seem so scary?
Because fear makes you a better consumer.

On fun-sized advice

How would you differentiate between arrogance and narcissism?
Someone who is arrogant acts like they are the better person. Someone who is narcissistic acts like they are the only person.


Why is it that so many people are happy eating meat but act like dog fighting is the most evil thing imaginable?
Meat is delicious, and dog fighting is terribly cruel. Don’t act like you can’t recognize the difference between the humane slaughter of livestock for food and the barbaric torture of animals for sport.


What do you do when your closest friend doesn’t reach out when she knows you’re having a tough time? I’m out of sight, out of mind.
How tough a time could it be if what you’re really complaining about is a lack of attention? Quit whining and call your shitty friend. If she’s still not there for you, take the fucking hint and adjust who she is to you.


What do you think about True Detective?
Time really is a flat circle. Enjoy not knowing about the Yellow King for as long as possible.


Why, if I don’t believe in Christianity, do I still fear that there may be a chance that hell exists, and that I might go there when I die?

You’re just using a mythological framework that you learned during childhood to process some existential terror. Your fear isn’t really of hell. It’s of death.


Is it pointless to want the world/society/people to be better?

It’s not just pointless. It’s also vague, in a dangerously naive sort of way.


I’ve been thinking about this/confused for a while now. You seem like you’re a happy person, like you love yourself and life and all that, yet you’re so negative. How are you so happy even though you’re so negative? Or should I ask, how are you so negative even though you’re so happy?
I contain multitudes.


I know you’re against the death penalty - as am I. What are your thoughts on euthanasia?
Euthanasia would be my stripper name.

On fun-sized advice

Are you a sociopath?
Nope. That word gets way too much play these days by people who don’t understand what it really means. There is a huge difference between a garden variety asshole and someone with antisocial personality disorder.


Do you think it’s wrong to lie on a grad school application. Not implausible lies, just little things to make you seem more qualified.
Don’t ask my permission to pad your resume. I’m not your fucking conscience. Make your own tough decisions about how full of shit you want to be in this world.


What would you define as an intrusive fantasy about a friend?
An intrusive fantasy is one that interferes with your relationships. Basically, it’s a fantasy so powerful or recurring that you can’t keep it in your head, and it causes you to behave in a way that has negative consequences.


Woody Allen is one thing. Please tell me you acknowledge that false sexual assault allegations exist and that some women use it as a weapon.
Why is it important to you that I acknowledge that? Is your male ego really so fragile that I need to validate your position? What are you even defending? Seriously, go sit in a corner and think about how pathetic it is that you felt the need to write in to me and argue on behalf of rape culture. Yep, that’s what you did. Shame on you.


Just out of interest, if there’s always a reason to condemn the country hosting the Olympics, what was Britain’s reason?
Really? You can’t find a reason to condemn a monarchical surveillance state with five centuries of brutal, racist imperialism under its belt?


All this shit about Diet Coke being bad for you is a load of crap, right?
Nah. Diet Coke is most definitely a slow poison, but so is the air in Los Angeles. It’s all going to kill you. Fuck it.


Have you ever been on a cruise ship? If so, did you enjoy it?
I have enjoyed being on yachts, but cruise ships seem like a special kind of hell.


You’re rant about Girls was so Jessa.
You get points for making me laugh.