On fun-sized advice

What’s the difference between reasons and excuses?
Reasons establish causation. Excuses establish justification.


Do you think Woody did it?
Absolutely.


I can’t sleep unless I’m completely toasted. I know this probably means I’m an alcoholic. I think I’m admitting it for the first time right now. What in sweet hell do I do next?
You might be an alcoholic, but this also sounds like you’re self-medicating a mild but undiagnosed anxiety disorder. Go see a shrink.


What was your favorite Super Bowl commercial?
The Turbo Tax Year of the You ad. I think it really captures the profound sadness of middle-minded American mediocrity.


Why are people so shocked that I’m not mad or upset that my ex boyfriend is now gay?

Because they mistakenly assume you should take something like that personally.


How do I stop fantasizing about my friends? You know, without boning them.
Why do you feel the need to stop? It’s perfectly normal. As long as the fantasies aren’t intrusive, there’s nothing wrong with having them.


I’m a straight girl who likes lesbian porn. I’m in a fabulous relationship with my boyfriend and we have a fantastic sex and communicate about it regularly. Does the lesbian porn mean I’m bi? Need to experiment along with my boyfriend? Is this natural?
It’s perfectly natural. Feel free to experiment if it’s something you want to try, and don’t worry about labeling yourself.


I’m 35 and just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. Do you think I still have time to meet someone and have kids one day?
You can keep hoping for a storybook ending, but this is exactly why Aristotle favored a plausible impossibility over an implausible possibility.


Which Girls character would you be?
I’d be the HBO executive who cancels the show.

On fun-sized advice

Is it always a bad idea to forgive a cheater?
No, it’s actually a good idea to forgive a cheater, but that doesn’t mean forget, and that sure as hell doesn’t mean give back your trust.


What do you think about Jennifer Lawrence? Role model or another Hollywood standard of perfection (even if she does love pizza)?
I’ve got no reason to throw shade on J-Law. She’s a perfectly decent generational replacement for Julia Roberts, but come on. Role model? Never, I repeat, NEVER look to movie stars as role models. Set your standards higher than beautiful idiots who play pretend for a living.


Why am I still so attracted to my rapist? He’s all I can think about when I masturbate.
You are not attracted to your rapist. You are merely having sexual thoughts about him. Don’t confuse those thoughts for an emotional connection. They’re just a coping mechanism that allows you to exert control in your mind. It’s all a part of your healing process.


How can I explain to someone the enormous difference between “black pride” and “white pride?”
Don’t bother. Instead, explain the concepts of cultural hegemony and systemic racism. Re-frame their world view until they see the difference for themselves. 


Where does one draw the line when considering a person’s mental illness (depression specifically) as an excuse for their horrid, uncomfortable and sometimes alienating behaviour?
Draw the line wherever you feel is necessary. Mental disorders may be the reason for certain behaviors, but they are not an excuse.


Is there anything you’ll admit to being hypocritical about?
Really? Your narcissism is so lazy that you can’t even bother hunting for your own reason to call me a hypocrite? Ugh. You’re the kind of asshole who would commit suicide by getting the cops to shoot you.


How do you develop a skin as thick as yours? I’m in awe.
I don’t have a thick skin. I just don’t take shit personally.

On fun-sized advice

Do you feel weird fucking people less intelligent than you?
Not really, but then again, I don’t have much of a choice.


Why do I lose interest in guys after having sex with them?
You aren’t really interested in the guys. You’re just interested in the courtship ritual.


Don’t want to date him, but still feel shitty that he hasn’t contacted me since the night we slept together. Am I just lying to myself about not liking him?
Probably not. Don’t confuse a bruised ego for an emotional connection.


Can you ever be friends with your boss?
Sure you can, but never forget that in his role as your boss he is not your friend.


How can the decadence of the fashion industry square itself with the poverty around the world?
It can’t.


Why on earth did you tell that escort not to report the micropenis tax cheat guy? Screw whether he’s a racist, he’s a leech on society who should pay his share like everyone else.
You really think I’d tell an escort to snitch for the IRS? Hell no. Micropenis guy may be a racist and a tax cheat, but he doesn’t get to turn her into a rat.


How do you recognize toxic people who feed off drama before they become a part of your life?

Recognizing them is easy. It’s just that most people find it difficult to not be fascinated by their bullshit.


My boyfriend liked being called ‘daddy’ during sex with his exes, but I flat out refuse to do it because I think it’s creepy and infantilizes women. He says I’m being judgmental and close minded. What should I do?
Break up with him.


Do you ever answer these questions high?
Yep.

On more fun-sized advice

What’s your biggest dealbreaker in dating?
Stupid.


What do you eat?

My diet is an oxymoron best summed up through the idea of farm-to-table Doritos Locos Tacos.


What does it mean when a guy says that he doesn’t deserve you? Red flag?
Yeah. It’s a bullshit way of saying that he appreciates the things you do for him, but he’s not quite into you enough to commit to a relationship.


Do you think Leo will ever win the Oscar?
Of course he will.


Take the first thing you’re offered or wait until more comes along?
Don’t be so passive. Go get what you want.


Why are people so resentful of their bosses?
Because bosses are an immediate personification of capitalist oppression.


Is it appropriate to tell someone you want to start a relationship with them on/near Valentine’s Day?
Don’t be that person.


What kind of condoms should I keep on hand for backup?
Crown Skinless Skin Condoms


Why do I get jealous when my boyfriend goes out and has fun without me? It seems like a simple question but I can’t put my finger on the answer.
It is simple. You get jealous because you’re insecure in the relationship. You feel threatened by the fun he’s having without you because there’s a part of you that thinks he’ll suddenly realize that he’s bored with you. It’s a side-effect of your mild abandonment issues combined with garden variety immaturity. (You really need to let this shit go. It’s relationship poison.)


Last night, a guy friend of mine confessed his crush on me, and then told me I’m complicated but not in a good way. What does that mean?
It means he likes Zach Braff movies, and he hates the last couple of dudes you hooked up with.

On fun-sized advice

What is the cure to narcissism?
Empathy.


What does intimate sex look like?
Intimate sex doesn’t look. It feels.


Why is this the time of year that old flames come out of the woodwork? And why is it never the ones you want to hear from?
It’s a byproduct of break-up season. (The ones you want to hear from didn’t recently get dumped.)


Have you turned so quickly on our girl, Jennifer Lawrence?
Not yet, but I have very little patience for false humility.


How do you say no to someone who continuously asks you out and refuses to stop, even upon request?
Tell the creep to fuck off. Be rude. Be loud. Embarrass him for disrespecting you, and when he acts all butthurt and calls you a bitch, don’t feel the least bit bad about it.


Coquette! If you could speak any 5 languages fluently, which would they be and why?
English (because I live in America), Spanish (because I live in Los Angeles), Arabic (because it’s a beautiful language), Mandarin (because I feel geo-politically obligated), and French (because Paris).


What do you do when you sorely miss a jerk you broke up with a few months ago?
Personally? I rebound date wildly inappropriate men until I’m filled with self-loathing and regret. I also tend to sublimate my frustration with exercise until I’m in really good shape. Do whatever you gotta do, babe, just don’t fall back into the jerk’s orbit.


What’s the difference between pride, ego and vanity?
Pride is an internal emotion. Ego is the source of that pride, while vanity is the external projection of it.


Hey, it’s the spontaneous Vegas weekender! Just wanted you to know it turned out amazing. I had a great time, and I’m so, so fucking glad I went. Thanks, Coquette.
Fuck yeah.

On fun-sized advice

A guy I’m super in to really wants to get with me but has a girlfriend. Why don’t I give much of a fuck about that last part?
Because you’ve forgotten the golden rule.


"Fake it till you make it" - how do I know when I’ve stopped faking it and it’s real?
When the check clears.


How do you tell your boyfriend you want him to move out of your place but reiterate that you don’t want to break up?
You’re trying to do too much at once. First, just get him to move out. You can tell him it’s not a break-up all you want, but that doesn’t matter. Deal with salvaging the relationship after the move.


I got sober. So now what?
Keep your shit together and don’t make a big deal out of it.


Are you still a teenager at 19?
Numerically and very often emotionally.


What if I never have good sex?
What if you already have?


What is the proper etiquette for leaving a one night stand the next morning? I just said “It was lovely to meet you.”

That’s about right. I usually like to finish off with a friendly kiss on the cheek and the phrase, “Have a nice life.”


Why am I attracted to guys who always have one foot out the door?
So that you can experience all of the emotional drama without taking any of the emotional risk.


What music did you play at that party with the filthy rich white people?

Music by filthy rich black people. Duh.


Do you make new year resolutions? If so, what are they?
Focus on one or two big things this year instead of a whole bunch of little things. Give all of my fucks to charity. Make out more.

On fun-sized advice

If unhappiness is the resting state of marriage, what’s the resting state of being single?
Loneliness


What do you think of people that are in happy relationships but break up to “see what else is out there”?
Don’t kid yourself. Those relationships are either shallow to the point of worthlessness, or they aren’t really happy.


Are you shilling for American Express?
No. I don’t shill. I don’t have ads. I don’t take money or favors to promote shit. Ever. Can’t a bitch have a nice thing to say about a product or service without you cynical bastards assuming cash is changing hands?


What is the proper etiquette when discovering a friend of yours on a sex cam website?
Masturbate quietly to yourself as you shut the fuck up about it.


Will my husband ever be happy?
I am not a Magic 8 Ball.


I don’t want to perpetuate the Santa lie.
Relax. Santa isn’t a lie. Santa is just folklore. God is a lie.


You seem particularly aggressive this month.
Tis the season, motherfucker.


First real, long-term, “I love you” relationship; first breakup. General tips and pointers?
Step back and see the relationship as a whole, as something with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Be sad for a minute, learn what you can from it, and then move the fuck on.


What are you currently reading?
"I Forgot To Be Famous" by Almie Rose. I downloaded it to read on my flight and laughed so hard that the man sitting next to me was embarrassed.

On fun-sized advice

Do you have general advice for seventeen-year-old girls?
As you develop your identity, seek as little approval as possible.


Why did I get so freaked out when my girlfriend dyed her hair? Am I shallow or just stupid? Or both?
Yeah, she’s gonna dump you in the next few weeks. Welcome to break-up season, motherfuckers.


My husband annoys the fuck out of me.
Of course he does. He’s a daily reminder that you’ve given up.


Any tips on how to tell if a married man is lying about being in an open relationship, without asking his wife?
Look him in the eye and say, “Tell me about how you and your wife decided to open up your marriage.” You’ll immediately know if he’s full of shit.


What is the difference between a garden-variety asshole with room to grow and a sociopath/narcissist that’s rotten to the core?
The capacity to modify maladaptive behavior.


Is narcissism a bad thing?
It’s the worst thing.


What is the difference between seeking vengeance and seeking justice?
Justice restores balance. Vengeance perpetuates chaos.


My whole life I would say “Jesus, why do women need to dye their hair so much? What’s wrong with just letting the color be what it is?” Now, a 24 year-old woman myself, I’ve just gotten my first blondish highlights. Is this a symbolic moment of some sort?
Yeah, no. You’ve confused multiple layers of meaning for multiple layers of hair color, but hey, feel free to keep wasting your life with simple nonsense.


What do you think of the smarm vs. snark debate?
Team snark for life, bitches.

On fun-sized advice

Why do all the married couples I know seem so unhappy?
Because unhappiness is the resting state of marriage.


Thoughts on the Pope being named Time Person of the Year?
It’s just one irrelevant institution puffing up another.


Here’s the mess - bad breakup months ago. Had a date with handsome charming, couldn’t kiss goodnight. Random dude at the bar- crazy make out. Gay man at the bar- crazy make out there too. When will my mind stop being a mess?
Monday, February 17th, 2014. Noonish.


The quietest people have the loudest minds…what does that make you?
Immune to your clichéd bullshit.


What do you think of Aubrey Plaza?
I enjoy the character she plays, but I’d also like to see another one.


What’s your opinion on the Lulu iPhone app? On one hand I find it extremely useful but on the other I feel like if there was a female equivalent I’d be all up in arms!
LuLu a toothless gimmick for tacky people. It’s awful. They can try and keep it sanitized and glossy, but that shit has a rotten core. (Oh, and there is a female equivalent. It’s called revenge porn.)


What’s your opinion on meaningless sex?
Everything is meaningless. Might as well be getting laid.


I chose the path less traveled and I pay for it with every waking moment.
You pay for it either way.


Everyone around me is freaking out about finals. Any words of wisdom?
Fuck off and study.


What do you want for Christmas, Coquette?
Job security.

On fun-sized advice

Any guesses as to why is it rare for me to achieve an orgasm unless I’m being choked?
Um, yeah. It’s simple behavioral reinforcement. Cerebral hypoxia makes for one hell of an antecedent stimulus prior to orgasm.


Do I want safe and warm, or do I want ecstatic?
Quit making false dichotomies with your love life.


When is using the word “whore” appropriate? Or is it never?
Feel free to use the word “whore” to describe a person who puts a price on their integrity. Never use the word “whore” to impugn a person’s promiscuity.


There’s shit music on at a party. The host is loving it, everyone else is staring awkwardly at the ground. Socially acceptable to quietly change playlists?

Sure, but if you’re more comfortable leaving the party than you are changing the music, simply get the fuck out. Either way, don’t ever let anyone hold you hostage with bad music.


What would your match.com profile say? From the “tagline” all the way down to the “about me and what I’m looking for” section.
Match.com? Are you kidding me? That’s the worst dating site on the planet. It’s a creepy-as-fuck graveyard of fake and abandoned profiles scotch-taped together with a horrible user interface. Never use match.com.


Gay here. My husband seems moody lately. One evening, he is just so irritated the minute I walk in, cant get a straight answer - seems like border line abuse to me. Then next evening he wants to plan the next vacation, cooks dinner and be as polite as can be. Is it just me thinking it???

Dude. People have moods. Sometimes they’re shitty. Maybe learn to back the fuck off occasionally, and quit making it about you.


So is your idea of the perfect marriage is one in which you and your partner are free to have extra-marital sex?
In a way, yes, but “free” implies that there are no consequences. That’s not how open relationships work.


Survived the holidays alright, Coquette?
Ha! Yep. Had to bite my tongue when my mom announced “the Indians should just get over it” with regard to changing the name of the Washington Redskins. Other than that, it was a pretty chill Thanksgiving.


I love that you take time to find and use the letter ‘é’ when you write French words.
Details fucking matter.