On fun-sized advice

If you claim that everything really means nothing, then why give a flying fuck whether or not “those whores” got what they had coming?
Because existential nihilism isn’t a license to be an asshole.


You shouldn’t tell people to kill themselves, even if you’re joking.
Why not?


Would you concede that sometimes you’re a cunt just for the sake of being a cunt?
I don’t have to concede shit.


Do you ever worry that all the topless pictures you send to guys will come back to haunt you?
It won’t be your topless pictures that come back to haunt you. It will be your credit score.


What do you think of online dating? It seems like just one big meat market.
Life is one big meat market. Online dating is just a picture menu.


How do you know if your life story is interesting enough to be a book?
If you’re a good writer, any life story is interesting enough to be a book.


How long is the “normal” amount of time to be single?

That’s good. The first step is putting it in quotes. The next step is realizing that there’s no such thing.


Is any amount of money in a job offer worth moving to Sarasota, FL while single at age 31?
Yes, but I doubt that’s what they’re offering you.


Am I terrible for thinking my girlfriend is really ugly when I wake up in the morning next to her, seeing as she has no makeup on?
Yes.


No matter what, whoever I date starts to look ugly to me after a while. Is this normal? How do I stop this from happening?
You’re confusing what they look like for what they are like. Even worse, you’re probably confusing what they are like for what you are like.

On fun-sized advice

Why can’t I seem to stay in a relationship past 3 or 4 months?
Because that’s the shelf life of bullshit.


The girl I’m casually seeing just told me no one’s ever been able to make her come. What should I do?
Tell her that it’s perfectly okay and that there’s nothing wrong with her. Tell her that you appreciate her openness and vulnerability. Don’t take it as a challenge, and don’t put any pressure on her to have an orgasm. In other words, don’t make it about you.


A man that I met while traveling in Europe is launching a Bitcoin exchange, and wants to launch a social networking site in tandem with it. I am a community manager between gigs. He recently offered to buy a plane ticket and pay my salary for the next two months before I start my Masters in the fall. This doesn’t seem like a real thing.
Yeah, unless your dad is Liam Neeson, you might wanna consider a little extra due diligence before accepting this gig.


What’s the point of hatefucks? Like, to take a food analogy, if you hate carrots, why eat some when you can have tomatoes or beets?
Your analogy confuses hatefucking for actually hating to fuck. A better food analogy would be that a hatefuck is like a pie eating contest — it’s aggressive, messy, and it requires that you momentarily suspend your dignity, but every once in a while it’s fun to engorge yourself without having to give a shit about table manners.


My girlfriend and I are thinking about going to a strip club. Neither of us has been to one before, so we have no idea about proper strip club etiquette. Any hard-and-fast rules?
Keep your expectations low, keep your hands to yourself, and when in doubt, tip. (That goes for both of you.)


You have no idea how badly I want to give up.
Yes I do.


I had a dream last night that I spent a day hanging out with you and Donna Meagle.
Did you treat yourself?


Do you think Hooters is demeaning to women?
No. I think fast food chains that pay single mothers minimum wage are demeaning to women. Hooters is just tacky.

On fun-sized advice

I’m afraid that when I quit my job I’ll realize that it wasn’t the reason I am so unhappy.
The irony is that you’re unhappy because you’re afraid.


I would love to ask you something, but nothing comes to mind because I already have all the answers.
Awesome. Help me out with the answer to this one: Why is there something rather than nothing?


I wake up every day and think of how much i want to be dead for about an hour before i can force myself to get up from my bed. I’m scared to talk about this with my therapist or anyone else.
Read this to your therapist in your next session.


Why am I so scared of committing to a nice, sweet guy who I regularly hang out and sleep with? What’s stopping me from making it official?
You still think you can do better.


Sooo, after figuring out love n shit… whats good?
Money.


Is love after a week of being with someone just infatuation?
Yes.


Is it possible to love someone and be attracted to them without being romantically in love with them? Am I just deluding myself?
Yes and yes.


Do you believe in free will?
That’s kind of like asking if I believe in god, in that it’s pointless if you don’t define your terms.


What do you think of Rich Kids of Instagram?
I love RKOI. I like to think of each post as a crime photo, as if they’re tiny pieces of evidence that can be used at trial if the revolution ever comes.


How come I like you way more on twitter than on here?
Because twitter is candy, and here I make you eat your vegetables.

On fun-sized advice

If I want to read, write, see the world, etc., then why do I spend all of my time playing videogames?
Because your idealized self-image does not match reality.


If I might die today what is the point of saving money, or planning for the future at all really??
Sure, you might die today, but you probably won’t for quite some time. Don’t be an asshole about it, and deal with your shit.


Is there any truth to “fake it til you make it?”
Only if you make it.


My guy friend thinks that women just don’t have analytical brains, and that is why all of the top performers in “intellectual” professions are men. How do I stop giving a fuck about idiots like this so I don’t spend my life angry?
Stop being friends with them.


How do you define “losing your virginity”?
Your virginity isn’t something I care to define. Spend some time analyzing the cultural and historical implications of virginity, then decide for yourself whether you think it’s still a relevant concept.


Would you fuck Putin?
With a rainbow colored twelve inch strap-on.


Why am I so unsettled by George W. Bush’s paintings?
Because each shallow canvas is irrefutable evidence that a childlike simpleton spent eight long years as President of the United States.


What’s the difference between group sex and an orgy?
Name tags.


I like you but I think that I like you in the same way I like cheap vodka, an easy way out. Obviously you’re human but seriously your ego and sheer arrogance is painful to read. I once found your advice to be that of a big sister that I never had but I’ve lost the faith. Is it me or is it you? Both?
It’s not me. It’s the voice in your head you hear when you read me, which is really just a projection of yourself. You’re thinking more critically now, and that’s the whole point. I’m glad that you once found my advice sisterly, but at the same time, I’m just as happy for you to realize that I’m as completely full of shit as everyone else.


You seem to be a pretty negative person all-around. Does that ever get tiring?
Bitch, please. I’m a fucking pleasure.

On fun-sized advice

I just got dumped. I thought I would be devastated, but I am so fucking relieved. Am I kidding myself, or is this real?
Nah, it’s real. Your ex made the right decision for you both.


Why do relationships feel sticky and tiring to me?
Because you put up with that shit.


What do you with someone who is hell bent on being self destructive but is intelligent enough to know better?
Intelligence has nothing to do with it. Also, try not to confuse actual self-destruction for behavior that merely conflicts with your personal morality.


I want to ask her out but I’m in a monogamous relationship.
You have three options: You can cheat, you can not cheat, or you can modify the terms of your monogamous relationship (which for most couples means breaking-up.) Choose wisely, and accept the consequences.


Why does it bother me that four of my friends have referred to their boyfriends as sociopaths, yet continue to date them?
The boyfriends aren’t sociopaths. They’re just self-absorbed assholes, and it bothers you because friends are annoying when they chronically date self-absorbed assholes.


Is it fucked up that no one bats an eye when a girl uses a vibrator but there is massive societal shame towards the use of a pocket pussy?

Massive societal shame? Don’t be so dramatic, dude. There may be a bit of a double standard, but I submit it has less to do with gender, and more to do with design. Pocket pussies are hilarious contraptions that anyone would look ridiculous while using. Vibrators are simply more elegant, whether being used by a man or a woman.


I want to be in love with someone who is kind, witty, and sexually attractive, and have them love me back. Why does it this seem so impossible?
Because you’re confusing kindness, wit, and sexual attraction for long term compatibility, and you’re confusing love with infatuation.


I love him but he wants us to be monogamous.
I feel your pain. To me, that’s like saying, “I love him, but he wants us to be Mormon.” Stick an asterisk next to monogamy if you must, but don’t set relationship terms that you can’t live with. Talk this shit out with your partner. Find common ground. If it ultimately ends up being a dealbreaker, don’t let it be because you didn’t explore every possible consideration.


How do I stop romanticizing my personality flaws? How do I stop secretly loving being “broken”?
Grow the fuck up.


Read this week’s column over at Nerve.com.

On fun-sized advice

I just turned 22 and I hate feeling so old.
You don’t feel old. You just resent having to act like an adult. Toughen up, buttercup. It gets a helluva lot worse.


My life is totally sexless and without love. I want to be skinnier or prettier. That would solve all my problems, right? What will make me happy?
You are the perfect product of consumer culture.


What do you recommend for a first vibrator?
Extra batteries.


How do I stop feeling guilty about casual sex?
Stop believing casual sex is wrong.


Is it too late to start living my life the way I want?
Nope. Then again, you might die today, so maybe.


He is perfect for me and treats me amazingly well, but he is also a workaholic. How do I get more time with him?
You don’t. Learn to deal with it, or move on.


What’s your go-to taco filling?
Fuckin’ taco meat.


You seem to alternate between encouraging people to embrace their own mediocrity and using mediocrity as a dirty word. Which is it?
Both.


If you stripped away the drugs, would you still be an insipid schizotypal?
If you weren’t a freshman psych major, would you still have me confused with a manic pixie dream girl?


You seem to have a superiority complex.
That’s because my defense mechanisms are better than yours.


What are your thoughts on how human attraction works?
I don’t think it does.

On fun-sized advice

I fucking hate the shoes that my boyfriend wears.
I fucking hate the shoes your boyfriend wears too.


How do you feel about men in crop tops, a la Cudi?
Kid Cudi’s crop top was a stage costume at Coachella, not a street look. That’s the only reason it worked. Don’t anybody forget that.


He dissed my taste in music. Why does that feel like such a deal breaker?
An incompatible record collection is a classic deal breaker. It’s right up there with bad kisser.


Aren’t Putin’s actions in Crimea and Ukraine similar to Hitler’s, down to the forced registration of Jewish people?
The actions of de-facto dictators are always gonna be similar, especially if they have the capacity to wage war on a global scale.


Please help, I am calling on you in my hour of need. What are some websites I could buy a ball gown from that won’t require me to sell a kidney?
Don’t buy. Rent. (No, they’re not paying me for the link.)


Don’t you need Facebook to use Tinder? I thought you’d denounced the big blue monster.
Dude. You’re supposed to set up a bullshit Facebook account just for Tinder. If you’re a regular Facebook user and you also also want to use Tinder, never — I repeat NEVER — sign up with your regular Facebook account. Trust me on this.


Are you only answering questions from Nerve now?
Nah, last week was Coachella, and now I’m just crazy busy traveling for work.


The thought of you just existing in the wild at Coachella is really, really weird to me. Like you should be in an ivory tower with all the other VIPs, away from the common folk.
Yeah. It’s called the artist compound. That’s where I was.


Who are your role models?
Fuck role models.

On fun-sized advice

What’s your favourite part of Coachella?
It’s different every year, but there’s always a magic hour, usually on Saturday evening just after the sun sets when the air cools and everyone catches a second wind and whatever pill I dropped the previous hour starts melting my face as some undercard band pulls a crowd under a tent and transforms a thousand happy sweaty kids into a unified pulsating entity of screaming dance-fueled bliss.


Colbert as the new host of the Late Show. Thoughts?
CBS is lucky to have him, and I sincerely hope he does something fresh with the late-night talk show format.


My friend is begging me to go on a cross country road trip with him and says he will pay for gas and hotels. I know that it will be an amazing trip but I am completely broke and looking intensely for a job. I feel like if I ask my parents they would give me a few hundred dollars for this trip but I feel like I have been leaning on them my whole life. What do you think, one last fun ride or should I grow the fuck up?
Go on the road trip. Grow the fuck up. You can do both. Quit making false dichotomies out of your life.


How would you feel/respond if a guy told you “If you’re gonna act like a slut, then don’t expect to be treated as anything more.”?
It depends on who the guy is in my life, but I assure you, a blatantly misogynistic comment like that tells me everything I need to know about how little he values women, and I don’t allow people in my life who display that level of disrespect.


Sometimes I just want to ignore the guy I’m dating even though I really like him. Why?
It’s one of the ways you exert control over the power dynamics in your relationships. (Remember how your mom used to give your dad the silent treatment? Yep, there you go.)


What is the most interesting thing you’ve learned from the submissions you receive on here?
We are all exactly the same. Every last one of us.

On fun-sized advice

I’m almost in tears writing this. What are we going to do when Bill Murray dies?
Don’t worry. When he dies, on his deathbed, he’ll receive total consciousness. So, he’s got that goin’ for him, which is nice.


How do I become better at confronting someone with my true feelings in the moment? (Versus hiding behind an email or text an hour later)

Why does it have to be a confrontation?


Why doesn’t my husband want me to fuck other women?
Um, I dunno. Why don’t you ask him?


He’s never going to like me back, is he?
Nope.


Do I have to tell my boyfriend that I was raped?
Hell no. You are never obligated to tell anyone. That’s nobody else’s business unless you want it to be.


With all due respect, I feel like you throw around the Freudian daddy issue thing quite a bit. Fuck me, eh?
The one I throw around is more Jungian than Freudian, but sure, fuck you. (With all due respect.)


Do you take Xanax recreationally or do you have anxiety?
Anxiety. Specifically, PTSD related panic attacks. I don’t recommend taking benzos recreationally. There’s way too much risk of addiction for relatively little psychopharmacological reward.


Attractive millionaire, 45, offers you $1 million to sleep with him. You were gonna fuck him anyway. Do you still take the $1 million?
Are you fucking kidding? Up front. In cash.


Who are you most excited to see at Coachella?
Outkast, HAIM, Glitch Mob, Lorde, Kid Cudi, Fatboy Slim, Nas, Galantis, Naked and Famous, Flight Facilities, Daughter, Pet Shop Boys, Calvin Harris, Pharrell, Flosstradamus, Disclosure, and as always, Arcade Fire.

On more fun-sized advice

Belle Knox: feminist trailblazer or starry eyed idiot?
Neither. She’s just a sex worker getting a college education. It’s really not that big a deal, folks. Happens all the time.


What do you think of the Kim and Kanye Vogue cover? Please tell us.
Honestly, I resent that we all feel obligated to have an opinion.


Any words on the death of Fred Phelps?
Nope.


How do I stop feeling lonely when I’m with him?

If being with him makes you feel lonely, take the fucking hint.


I’m a straight woman. My friend is straight. Why is she hitting on me?
Maybe she wants to fuck you. Maybe you’re just bad at reading signals. Maybe sexual orientation is a complex and fluid aspect of the human condition that can’t be reduced to a simplistic binary label.


I treat my boyfriend badly for no reason. Why?
Because he lets you, so you don’t respect him, so you treat him badly, and thus repeats the cycle until you both hate each other.


Why do I feel awful about the fact that she makes him happier than I can?
Because your jealousy and codependency have a longer shelf life than your relationship.


What do you think about euthanizing the more useless members of society? Like, the poor or insane?
Don’t be silly. The useless members of society are the idle rich.


I hate my life and it won’t stop.
Yes it will.


Why is it that most guys like me up until I like them and then it seems they lose interest in me?
It’s not you those guys like. It’s the chase.


What kind of guy says “I don’t have one night stands” - and then disconnects from you after you sleep together?
The kind you’re better off never hearing from again.


Do you have any say in deciding what pictures accompany your Nerve columns? (I guess not.) I love your words, but the pictures provide an unintended laugh.
No, I don’t pick the stock photos. Yes, they’re ridiculous. I’ve started collecting them. I think there’s potential for comedy gold.