I’m lonely.  I’m in my mid-twenties and I’m surrounded by very positive feedback.  I’ve earned it, since I’m a workaholic, I seek perfection in every aspect of my life, from diet and exercise to my wardrobe.  I’m working on a novel and two screenplays, and I have three jobs.

I know I have the tendency to be a control freak, but I’m a very supportive person, and people always lean on me for advice or positive reinforcement.  I’m tired of always being the one to initiate social situations, however.  I ask people to do things all the time, but half the time they’re busy, or else I just wind up alone on weekends.

I don’t want to compromise my goals and dreams, but why do I feel so alone?  I was popular in college - what happened?

This may be tough to swallow, but your real problem isn’t that you’re lonely. It’s that you simply haven’t realized yet that you’re an asshole.

Yes, that’s right. You are a magnificent asshole. You self-identify as a “workaholic” — asshole. You say things like “I’m surrounded by very positive feedback” and “I seek perfection in every aspect of my life” without the slightest trace of irony — asshole. You brag about how many jobs you’re holding down and the number of projects you’re currently writing — asshole, asshole, asshole. I mean, come on. That was just your opening paragraph.

Don’t worry. Being an asshole is fairly common for people your age, especially overachievers who enjoyed popularity in college. The good news is that you don’t have to keep being an asshole.

All you have to do is chill the fuck out. Learn to be a serious person without taking yourself so damned seriously. Start recognizing when you’re coming off as persnickety, and stop being a control freak.

Nobody is asking you to compromise your goals and dreams. In fact, you should start reminding yourself that nobody gives a fuck about your goals and dreams. Most of the time, people don’t even give a fuck about what you say. All they really care about is how you make them feel.

So, how do you make the people in your life feel? The truth is, even though they know you’re a good person, you kind of annoy them. That’s why they only want to deal with you in small doses.

If you relax, pull the stick out of your ass, and quit treating life like it’s one big job interview, you’ll soon find that people will enjoy being around you more.

This spring I’ll be graduating college. It’s taken 5 years, three degree changes and tens of thousands of dollars in loans before I found something I’m passionate about.

I’m slowly realizing I’m not passionate about it, though. I took it because it was easy and just thought-provoking enough to let me fool myself into thinking it was challenging. I feel like I’ve made a monumental mistake and am officially at a loss for what to do with my life. Thoughts?

Yep, you’ve made a monumental mistake. You’ve wasted five years and tens of thousands of dollars chasing what you thought was passion to earn a college degree that (if you’re lucky) will buy you a shitty entry level job where you can work your ass off for another five years trying to pay down those tens of thousands of dollars before one day in your late twenties it finally dawns on you that never, not once in your life, have you ever really been passionate about anything.

Of course, that part isn’t the monumental mistake. The monumental mistake is continuing to buy into the system. It’s believing you have to be passionate about some stupid college major, or that you feel like a failure because you haven’t mapped out exactly what you want to do with your entire life at an age when you’re barely qualified to answer phones and fetch coffee.

Fuck that shit. It’s perfectly okay to be clueless and terrified. The only wrong way to handle it is to freeze up and do nothing. The good news is that it doesn’t matter what you do with your life, and it sure as hell doesn’t matter what you studied in college. Just get the fuck out there and do something.

Bitch, you seem burnt out. Charred down to the soul. Which brings me to my question - I’m 22 and just got my first real job. I’m making more money than I ever have, and I’m hitting my hustle harder than I ever thought I could pound. But underneath all this I feel a distinct, deep unease. Dread, even. My question is - why? Why bother? Why put so much energy into a thing that doesn’t really mean anything, in a time and place that is so brutally senseless? Just….why.

Yeah, I’m fucking fried. It happens every once in a while, but I’m not burnt out. I’m burnt down. There’s a difference.

I’ll eventually find some fire for my pilot light, but until then, uncertainty will be fucking with my head just like it’s fucking with yours. I’m okay with that, mainly because I’ve been here before, and I know I don’t have a choice but to keep my shit together and push through it.

That’s something you’ll eventually learn too. The dread and unease will come and go. You just have to let it. Acknowledge, but don’t engage. Sit down next to your uncertainty, and don’t say a fucking word. Whatever you do, don’t start asking it questions, especially existential ones like, “why?”

It doesn’t matter why, because you will never know why. Never. Get cozy with that. When you start asking the big question, remind yourself that there is no answer, and then just let it go.

Remember, none of this has to mean anything for you to enjoy yourself.

I’m a 21 year old guy with one more semester of college left. If there was a textbook of “nice slightly geeky guy,” it’d have my picture there. I’m not fat, I’m not pimply, but I’m not cut or super-hot either… just a slightly above-average looking guy who knows how to treat a girl.

All of that introduces my question: why is it that I always get thrown into the friend zone? To clarify, I get put into the “gay best friend” zone. I’m straight as the day is long, but I’m the one who gets to hear about new shoes, shopping, cute boys, shitty boys, assholes who stood them up… you get the drift.

Is it because I listen too much? Am I too nice? Should I not offer a shoulder to cry on, tell her the shoes are cute (when they are), or that the dude she’s dating is a douche who’s probably fucking someone else too?

Can you help me? I’m asking because there’s a gorgeous, intelligent girl I’d usually say is out of my league that has expressed lots of interest, and I don’t want her to turn me into another “gay best friend” style friend, where I get to hear about her day, her shoes, and her boy problems.

Ugh. Nothing rolls my eyes into the back of my head faster than a “nice guy” who whines about being in the friend zone, and quite frankly, if it weren’t my job to try and smack some sense into you, I’d tell you to go fuck yourself for the ignorant “gay best friend” remarks. (Not cool, dude.)

Let’s be clear, you are not a nice guy. You are actually a magnificent douchebag with a raging case of Nice Guy Syndrome. (Yep, it’s a thing. Look it up.)

While we’re at it, let’s be clear about something else. You don’t know how to treat a girl. You say you do, but you don’t have the slightest fucking clue. If you really knew how to treat a girl, you wouldn’t bitch about listening too much, and you wouldn’t act like a shoulder to cry on is only something to offer if it’s in furtherance of getting you laid.

That kind of thinking is glaring evidence of the underlying issue with guys like you. You don’t actually respect women. You pretend like you do, and you may even believe that you do, but it’s not real.

It’s outrageous and downright insulting that you think a girl has the ability to turn you into a “gay best friend.” You’re doing that to yourself, because you aren’t really being a friend in the first place. You’re just acting like one with the ridiculous expectation that platonic behavior on your part might somehow transmogrify into romantic behavior on her part.

Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. Platonic relationships are different than romantic ones. They begin differently, they progress differently, and they sure as hell end differently. You better cozy up to that fact pretty quick, because you simply cannot continue to behave like this with the new relationship. If you want a romantic relationship, you have to be emotionally honest from the get go.

You have to put yourself out there, and if she rejects you as a potential romantic partner, you have to move on without thinking platonic behavior will eventually entitle you to something romantic.

(Check out my latest column over at Playboy, and fellas, feel free to send me your questions at dearcoquette@playboy.com.)

Dear Coquette,

My friend Joe says he wants women to discuss how they “don’t have to make an effort” regarding “sex, dating, sports, lifting things, buying drinks.” What should I say to him?

If at all possible, ignore him. If you can’t do that, challenge him. Whatever you do, don’t discuss anything with him. All Joe really wants is the debate. He wants you to counter his opinion by saying that women do have to make an effort. He wants you to validate his ignorance by establishing that this is an argument that naturally has two sides worth defending. It doesn’t. Joe is simply wrong.

If you choose to challenge him, the trick is to come at him with a barrage of Socratic questioning. Force Joe to justify his own opinions with something more than anecdotal evidence. He won’t be able to do it, because idiots who are wrong can’t make a rational argument based on facts.

Practice saying the phrases, “What’s your point?” “Where are you getting your information?” and “Why do you believe that?”

Remember, don’t let it become a debate. He’ll want to know your opinion so he’ll have something to attack, but you should never feel like you have to defend a position. You are not responsible for proving the opposite of his opinion. The burden of proof is on Joe.

You don’t have to prove that you’re right. Joe is the one who has to prove that he’s not wrong, and if he tries shifting the argument to you, simply say, “It doesn’t matter what I think. You’re the one who has to justify your beliefs.”

Inevitably, he will try and rile you up by pushing your buttons, because once you’ve backed him into a corner of his own ignorance, the only thing he’ll have left to do is get you flustered with comments that are rude, mean, or personal.

Stay cool, and don’t get emotional. When it starts to break down, just say, “It sounds like you still have a lot to think about,” and gracefully exit the conversation.

Don’t expect to change Joe’s mind, and don’t expect to “win.” There’s not supposed to be a winner, just one loser talking himself into a circle.

Dear Coquette,

I’m in my second year of university and for the past while I’ve been feeling drained. I’m doing well in school and I make time to go out for drinks once in a while — I should be having a better time than I am now, shouldn’t I? What’s wrong with me?
Nothing.


I’m 25. I have a full-time job with health insurance, a secretary, an office and a paid-for parking spot in the city. Why am I unhappy? Why do I want to give it up and go back to school? I’m trying to be happy with what everyone wants but I can’t. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing.


I just worked my ass off on a project at work. Lots of people are congratulating me … but when I hear it, it just falls dead. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing.


I don’t know what to do with my life, and I have absolutely no motivation to find out. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing.


Sex is just so complicated and I always get so nervous and psych myself out that I let it ruin the experience. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing.


I can only come in one position. One position. It’s universal — every man I’ve been with, I can only have orgasms in one damn position! What’s wrong with me?
Nothing.


I’m 21 years old and I’ve never been out on a date. I’ve got plenty of friends and I don’t think I’m boring, so what’s wrong with me?
Nothing.


When boys like me, I get weird. I will like them and flirt with them, but as soon as they want to hang out, I freak out and try to come up with excuses not to. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing.


I really really like this guy. But sometimes when we’re together I get really worried. I worry about when we’ll stop liking each other. Why can’t I just be happy? What’s wrong with me?
Nothing.


I’ve never been in love although I’ve dated plenty of guys. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing.


I always think I’ll be happier someplace else. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing.

Dear Coquette,

How do you know when to let your guard down? How do you know when to stop being a guarded bitch and actually let someone in?

You shouldn’t have a guard. You should have a filter. There’s a huge difference, and I promise, it’s a much better way to live.

A guard is a fear-based defense mechanism that you put up and take down over and over again to protect yourself from your own vulnerability in intimate relationships. It’s an exhausting exercise that can weigh down your soul.

A filter isn’t fear-based. You don’t have to put it up or take it down. It’s a permanent part of you that requires a certain amount of inner strength and a well-defined set of personal standards, but it allows you to embrace your vulnerability.

The real trick is accepting the fact that a certain amount of emotional pain is inevitable. Sometimes relationships are gonna hurt, and there’s no getting around it. People who keep their guards up are living in fear of that emotional pain. When they let their guards down, they’re just living in denial of its inevitability.

People with filters accept the inevitability of emotional pain, but they have the self-discipline to mitigate chaos and negativity by either processing it, or cutting it off at the source.


I’m in an open marriage with a man who only respects logic. I don’t like it when he goes and has playtime with his partner when we have the kids. I’ve asked him to save it for when the kids are with their bio mom, but he refuses. I’ve said that the sentiment applies to me, too. He says I’m being emotional and not asking him in a way that makes sense, so he’s going to keep doing it. He’s right, though; I *am* emotional. I also think that it’s not an unreasonable request. What should I do?

Your husband is being a jerk. He doesn’t respect logic, not really. He’s just found a way to convince you that your emotions are invalid whenever there’s conflict in your relationship. Well, guess what? Logic is not the opposite of emotion, and being emotional does not mean you’re being irrational.

In any open relationship, both partners get to set ground rules. You’re not trying to set a double standard, nor are you being unreasonable. The kids are more important than your open marriage, plain and simple. The bottom line is that neither of you should get to put playtime over parenting.

Don’t let him fool you with his line that you’re “not asking in a way that makes sense.” It makes perfect sense. He just doesn’t like restrictions being placed on his playtime, and he’s reacting like a spoiled brat.

Don’t put up with his selfish behavior, not for one more second.


What do you say when somebody tells you they’re a part-time model?

Just smile and nod. The world is full of average people eager to display their manufactured identities. It’s best to allow them their minor delusions.

Dear Coquette,

I just did some reading about men’s rights activists and I’m a little freaked out. What are your thoughts?

I don’t want to paint all men’s rights activists with the same brush, but most of what gets labeled as men’s rights activism tends to be a very crude form of reactionary gender politics fueled by flagrant misogyny, (metaphorical) impotence and narcissistic rage.

Gender dynamics in Western societies have been slowly and steadily shifting towards legitimate equality over the last century or so. After four waves of feminism, there was bound to be some blowback. That’s all this is, really.

It’s toxic stuff, but there’s no need to let it freak you out. In the grand scheme, the dark side of men’s rights activism is little more than a temporary subcultural side effect of broader social progress. 

I’m not saying it’s harmless. It’s potentially quite dangerous, but as long as no men in your life have made it a part of their identity, it’s not something you have to fear.

That’s kind of the point, really. These men are pathetic. They aren’t worthy of your fear, and deep down, a lot of them resent the hell out of the fact that they aren’t feared (or loved) by women. It’s not that women don’t want them. It’s that women don’t need them. Women are indifferent to them, and that indifference is worse than rejection or betrayal.

Pay close attention to the rhetoric coming out of the movement and you’ll notice that it’s fundamentally a reaction to indifference. To the ego, there’s nothing worse, and to the male ego, female indifference transmutes into emasculation. That in turn develops into a sort of chronic narcissistic injury where all women are to blame for the loss of their manhood.

It’s twisted, but that’s really what’s at the emotional core of these guys. Their involvement in men’s rights activism is based on a very personal and individual reaction to their own wounded male egos. The politics is just window dressing.

That’s an important distinction to make. Despite what the most vocal men’s rights activists would have you believe, this isn’t a collective movement based on a set of unifying ideals. Not really. Any unifying ideals are an afterthought, mere packaging to wrap around a lot of repressed anger and misogyny.

In that regard, the movement as a whole is not greater than the sum of its individual members. It’s just a bunch of dudes who happen to be resentful of approximately the same thing. They aren’t really victims of some greater societal injustice, so ultimately it’s all bound to fizzle.

That being said, it’s not fair for me to summarily dismiss all men’s rights issues because of the questionable character of certain men’s rights activists. A number of the issues themselves have some merit, especially those in regard to gender neutrality in the practice of divorce, paternity, and child custody law. 

Of course, the legitimacy of any particular issue doesn’t legitimize men’s rights activism in general, and it sure as hell doesn’t excuse the movement’s undeniable undercurrent of hatred towards women.

You keep bringing up the mantra fuck the police.  I agree that the police can and do abuse their power and that reform should be an ongoing and continuous process.  I also agree that the police are forced to enforce unjust laws that have led to an overcrowded and unsustainable prison system.  But don’t you agree that the police do serve the public interest in much of what they do such as bringing burglars, white collar criminals, rapists, and murderers to justice?

You’re confusing the police for the criminal justice system, and you’re confusing public interest for the establishment.

For the record, the police do not bring people to justice. All they do is enforce the law. If you don’t understand the difference between justice and the law, then you’re fired from America, and you should drive down to Home Depot and give your citizenship to someone who deserves it.

Admittedly, the public interest is well served by criminal investigators and emergency first responders, but so fucking what? Those duties aren’t inherent to police. Any number of governmental departments and agencies can (and do) serve those functions.

What makes the police special, what makes them internationally fuck-worthy, is that they’re granted authority by the state to preserve order through the use of force. That, my friends, is the opposite of liberty.

Whether it’s sharia law in Tehran, drug laws in Los Angeles, or public nuisance laws at your local Occupy Protest, the police are the ones who can (and do) legally compel obedience through violence. I’m not cool with that.

At best, police power is a necessary evil. At worst, it’s a boot on your motherfucking neck. It will never be okay with me. I will never consent to that codicil of the social contract.

I do not recognize the state’s right to use force to compel my obedience, and that’s what I mean when I say, “fuck the police.”

Why does the government think it is okay to force the church to go against their core belief (right wrong or indifferent)?  Their core value of preserving life hasn’t changed and anyone who wants it can get FREE birth control at their local health department. The government wants the separation of church and and state and you can’t have it both ways. Catholic hospitals are self insured and provide more charity care than all other hospitals combined. We didn’t allow the church to stop us from legalizing abortion. How can the government force them to go against their core values? Do you really think this is ok?

1. The catholic church’s core value isn’t preserving life. It’s preserving power.

2. Your statement that free birth control is available to anyone who wants it from the local health department isn’t even close to being true. That’s like saying free housing is available to anyone who wants to live in the projects, or free food is available to anyone to wants to sign up for food stamps. Only the poorest of the poor actually qualify for government safety net programs.

3. You clearly don’t understand the concept of separation of church and state. Freedom of religion also includes freedom from religion. The church doesn’t get a free pass to do whatever it wants to its employees in the name of its own belief system. Religious organizations still have to obey the law.

4. I don’t know where you’re getting your statistic on catholic hospital charity care, but even if what you’re saying is true, so what? You’re just making an irrelevant appeal to authority.

5. On American soil, the authority of the catholic church to enforce its core values does not supercede the authority of the U.S. government to enforce its laws. If you can’t handle that, by all means, brush up on your Italian and move to Vatican City.

6. Yes, I really think it’s okay for health care mandates to require church-affiliated hospitals, charities, and schools to offer birth control to its employees.

7. All you bible thumpers might want to shut the fuck up about stuff like this before the rest of us all decide it’s finally time to revoke your church’s tax-exempt status.

8. None of this is an attack on your religious freedom. Feel free to continue being an ignorant twat who believes in angels, demons, and a jealous god.