On pause

You’ve been awfully quiet lately. Cat got your tongue?

I’m going through a thing at the moment. It’s a lot. Life in 2020 is super fucking weird. Thank you for your patience.


On premium services

No trust-fund or money, but I would send you 1% of my money for help figuring out what to do.

Okay, sure. I’m open to this. If you would like me to be your lifestyle consultant or personal mentor, we can discuss terms. 

Any of you who are interested can reach out.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why do you support Kamala? She’s a prosecutor and doesn’t support Medicare For All. I’ll vote for her, but why the verve in your support for her? I understand people are divided on this and I’d love some clarity here.
Kamala literally had a Medicare-for-all plan, so you’re just plain wrong about that. That’s not why I support her, though. When I vote for a candidate, I’m voting for a living, breathing person, not a policy agenda, and certainly not a resume. I know Kamala to be a good person. Genuinely. She is strong, she is brilliant, and she is righteous. That’s why she has my support. I’m voting for Biden because I want Trump out, but I’m voting for Kamala because I want her in. The sooner the better.

I just got divorced and I dipped my toes back into dating. Just as disappointing as I remembered. Being attracted to men is the fucking worst, what do you do when your dating pool seems to be full of dipshits? I love my life otherwise, my ex and I are pretty amicable so i don’t necessarily think I’m bitter because divorce, but maybe because the reality of dating not being great.
You’ve got a super shitty attitude. That’s it. That’s your problem. You don’t have to be bitter about the divorce to fall into stale patterns from a previous phase of life, and that’s what’s happening. Your reality of dating is clouded by a bunch of negative beliefs. You’ve been on what? Two dates? Three? You don’t get to complain yet. Change up your game. Change your fucking attitude. You’ll be fine.

I just learned that I have a disorganized attachment style. I don’t know what to do with this, and my therapist doesn’t seem to either. Am I fucked?
No, you’re not fucked. Put in some hard work. Grow. Change. You can do it, and if your therapist doesn’t know how to help you, then it’s time to get another therapist. 

What are your thoughts on Carl Jung’s concept of synchronicity? I go back and forth between interpreting it as a profound metaphysical phenomenon and a kooky croc pot theory.
The term is crackpot, not croc pot. Jung’s Synchronicity is not profound. It’s just pure woo-woo nonsense. The concept is useful poetically, but it has no business being confused with actual metaphysics. It’s fine, though. Brilliant and important thinkers often hold ridiculous beliefs that set them in time. Issac Newton was big into alchemy. Synchronicity was just Jung’s alchemy.

Is the experience of moving out worth the financial cost? I’m 22, get on pretty well with my parents, and live within close distance of both my university and my part-time job. Recently however, a close friend has asked if I wished to move out with her, and I’m wondering if I’m potentially turning down an opportunity for self-growth.
You would most certainly be turning down an opportunity for self growth, but that doesn’t mean it’s worth the financial cost. You have to make that call yourself. Do the actual math on how much money you will save or spend in both scenarios. Create two monthly budgets that extend for a year beyond your graduation. Make a pros and cons list for moving out now. Make a pros and cons list for moving out after you graduate and get a full-time job. Sit with it all, and then make a decision.

Hey. I reached out to your Twitter DMs a few years ago and you were really kind and encouraged me to find a therapist. Thanks. I’m doing a lot better. I’m in school to be a teacher, and I’m engaged to my best friend. I going to be an aunt soon. Things are good. Mostly. So yeah, thanks for pushing me to find someone to talk to. It’s made a hell of a difference.
Hell yeah. Everyone should be in therapy.

“but it’s never to late to reject your programming” – you’re holding a mirror, dear.
I am well aware of my self-reflexivity.

Is your advice getting worse? Or am I just getting older?
My advice is getting better, and you are getting older.

Can a person be too hot to date?
Not for me.


On violence and change

The violence won’t change a damn thing, you stupid, evil little cunt. Grow up already.

Your fear of change is palpable. It is your single greatest weakness, and you are blind to it. That’s why you’re so easy to manipulate. It’s why you’re so easy to control. 

Let’s talk about violence for a moment. I’m against it. You seem to be against it, so why do you keep coming back here to fight me on this topic over and over again? Why do you get so riled up when I call you a fascist? Why do you ignore the very real, perpetual, and systemic violence being done to Americans by our militarized police state, our prison-industrial complex, our failed war on drugs, and our grotesque war on poverty that has always been a thinly veiled war on the poor. Violence has been built into our system by design since its inception, and yet you come at me with this weak tea bullshit mythology about the plight of “small family-run businesses” during this brief spasm of civil unrest. 

You’ve picked the wrong fucking battle, my friend. You cry out about “livelihoods” but not about actual lives. Every time you come at me with an argument, you find a fresh way to put property over people. You try and humanize it with stories of “an old man being KO’d or an old lady crying,” but it’s painfully clear that all you care about is order. It’s why you get so outraged when I call you a fascist, which is naturally why I keep calling you one.

You get furious with me because I am indifferent to your point of view. You keep filling my comment section and my inbox with the same small-minded take, each time a bit angrier, and you expect me to what? Change my mind? No. You just need an outlet. You want someone to fight, because you are so filled with impotent rage and that paralyzing fear of change. 

Of course, I know better than to take any of this personally. I rather enjoy being called a stupid, evil little cunt. It’s fun for me, and though I’ll proudly agree that I’m a stupid, evil little cunt, I am also deeply committed to the part where I try and help you. I can see how much pain you’re holding in your chest and in your shoulders right this very second. I can feel you taking that breath and trying to keep it all balanced, trying desperately not to let any of it tip over and leak out. I’m happy to be your digital punching bag. Better me than someone else in your life, but what I’d really rather be is the reason you let some of that poison out of your soul by changing your point of view. What I’d really rather do here is help you recognize how even you aren’t safe from violence — and when I say violence, I mean the real kind, the perpetual kind, the systemic kind. Even you are a victim of it. We all are. 

As much as you are desperately hoping I will see you in your stories of small business owners in fear of their livelihoods, what I really see is how you are relentlessly playing your sad little part to prop up a violent, broken, and unjust system, even as the system itself slowly kills you. That rush you just felt to defend capitalism? That’s how predictable you are, and it breaks my fucking heart. I want better for you. I want more from you. 

I can hear you uttering the words “cringe,” and still, I recognize it as a defense mechanism. It’s not your fault. Your coping skills are what they are, but it’s never too late to reject your programming. It’s never too late to grow as a person. I promise, it really is better over here on the right side of history. I get to “work hard,” just like you. I get to “create value,” just like you. The difference is I’m not filled with fear. 

My anger is born of hope. Yours is born of fear. That’s the real reason you hate people like me.

Still, you’re welcome to join us any time.  

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Is America doomed? The news is painting a picture of backwards nation, completely out of touch with the contemporary realities. Surely this massive piece of land is as diverse as Europe, and not all of the US citizens are the idiots and fascists that the news would have us believe… right?
America isn’t the dirt underneath your feet. It’s an idea. America is nothing more than a giant and powerful meme with frayed edges and far too many competing and mutually exclusive interpretations with a central core of meaning that is shrinking faster than the polar ice caps, and not unironically, the exact same group of bastards are to blame for both. America is pure fiction, my friend, so yes, of course it’s doomed. Like all ideas, it will one day lose coherence and fizzle into extinction.

What’s your take on this reiki, crystal shit going on? At some point, my friend got into witchcraft and I’m uncomfortable while she’s talking to me about it? I have already muted her on social media. Is this how my friendship with her ends?
What do you mean witchcraft? Is your friend Wiccan? Wiccan crystal rituals are different than reiki crystal rituals. It’s all a bunch of ridiculous nonsense, but it’s different flavored nonsense. Is she mixing Wiccan crystal nonsense with reiki crystal nonsense? Typical behavior for the kind of dizzy twat who uses this stuff as a substitute for having a personality. If you’re uncomfortable with it, set a boundary. Tell her to shut the fuck up about woo-woo crystal shit when she’s around you. If she respects your boundary, that’s a friend. If she stays insufferable, you may want to move on. 

I could double my salary, eliminate my debt, and probably buy a house in a few years if I sold my soul and took this offer from Amazon. I applied on a whim, I didn’t expect to get it. I hate Bezos as much as anyone. Would I be a bad person if I worked for such a company? I’d be doing software development. The sign-on bonus is half my current annual salary.
It’s fine. Take the fucking money and live your life. You’re a software developer. Go develop software.

Is it ok to end a friendship because your friend won’t vote for Biden?
Maybe. Are they voting for Trump or just not voting? Are they a real friend or just someone floating around in your sphere? Be an adult about this stuff. November is coming. One way or the other, our lives and our relationships will go on after this election.

Still support the rioting and looting or nah? Dumbass
With clear eyes and a full heart, you tedious little fascist. I support radical, progressive change. All you care about is order. My vision is bigger than yours, and the world I dream of is better.

Just curious– in case we fall into true fascism here, what’s your game plan? Sticking it out or leaving for a new country?
Of course I’m sticking it out. It won’t be better for me anywhere else. Besides, I am skilled at sabotage, I can keep a secret, and I know how to disappear a body. I’m ready for whatever comes.

Just got off my antidepressants and rediscovered my clit ❤️Just wanted to share the beauty of all of that.
I’m very happy for you! If you haven’t experienced it yet, I highly recommend getting one of the sonic/sucking vibrators, maybe the Lelo Sona or the Satisfyer Pro 3.


On being a safe friend

My best friend has started doing porn with her ex-boyfriend. I take no issues with this part. She claims though that she’s only taking “trashy photos” for her OnlyFans, and categorically denies having any sexual relationship with her ex, although he’s still in her life for the sake of her kid. I only know because a mutual acquaintance came across it and it’s not exactly hidden from the public domain, albeit with the use of pseudonyms. I don’t know what I’m here for, I guess I’m just mad at being lied to.

You’re not mad about the lie. You’re hurt that your friendship isn’t as close or as strong as you thought it was, and you feel threatened by the potential implications of her deception. The emotion you’re really experiencing is jealousy in the face of a perceived betrayal. That’s okay. It means you care very deeply for your friend, but it also means that you need to do some damage control.

I’m speculating a bit, but it sounds like you’ve been through it with your best friend and this ex of hers. You probably have some strong opinions about him, and it’s pretty clear she no longer feels safe talking openly with you about her ongoing relationship with him. The quickest way to repair and then level-up your friendship is to directly address this dynamic and make amends for it. You are the one who will need to apologize here. 

If you don’t know how to apologize, here is a script you can make your own that captures the important points: “I want to talk with you about the OnlyFans content you’re making with your ex. You denied having any sexual relationship with him, so when I was shown the videos you’ve been making, it made me realize that you didn’t feel safe telling me the truth. I want to be the kind of friend that you feel safe telling the truth, and I sincerely apologize if you have ever felt judged by me with regard to the father of your child.”

The apology is only the first step. It’s not enough to want to be safe. You will actually have to be safe, which means you’ll have to start changing your behavior (not your opinions) about this ex of hers. As the father of her child, he’s always going to be a part of her life. You’re going to have to come to terms with that, and this seems like a good place to start.

The bottom line is that if you love and support your friends, then you actually have to love and support them, even when they’re making less-than-ideal life decisions. 

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Covid19 is a scam. I’m going to be straight with you coke. With a platform like yours, it’s going to be embarrassing for you when more and more people find out the truth. It’s already leaking everywhere and they’re struggling to stop it getting out. I know you’re programmed as hell and part of the woke mentality, but it is time the wake the fuck up motherfucker. Please watch both these documentaries. One of them actually shows how they staged hospital scenes for the news and stuff. Its quite disturbing. Best to take the red pill though.
You are suffering from a delusional disorder. You need treatment. Please seek help. I am being completely serious about this. If you need assistance finding mental health care services, let me know, and I will do what I can to direct you to appropriate resources.

What would you do about a cross-border (US-Canada), 5-year long relationship that has been long distance for 6 months and looks like it will be indefinitely so? I’m going crazy.
What scale of indefinitely are we talking about? Indefinite for another six months or indefinite for another six years? Six months is nothing. You can tough it out, but if there’s no clear and realistic path towards being together again by 2022, it’s probably time to move on with your life.

I found my therapist’s Twitter and she retweeted Deepak Chopra. I have to stop seeing her, right?
Therapists are notoriously bad at front-facing social media. They can’t disclose much about themselves or say anything spicy, so it usually ends up being either bland academic jargon or insufferably cloying inspirational quotes. The benign version of Deepak Chopra falls into that latter category, so if it was just some fortune cookie bullshit, you may want to forgive her, but if she retweeted any of his woo-woo “quantum healing” pseudoscience nonsense, you should probably have a talk with her.

How do you believe this retarded woke shit when the rest of your advice is pretty good?
You seem to be confusing my intelligence and empathy for a political orientation. It’s an easy mistake to make with your head shoved so far up your own ass.

My boyfriend is liking half-naked women on Instagram (people from IRL, not the models). Cheated once before in the very beginning of our relationship. The sharing of hearts on social media makes me insecure. I’ve told him, he continues. What to do?
You can either become more secure or you can break up with him. Alternatively, you can become more secure AND you can break up with him. 

What age, in years, is too old for clubbing?
There is a club for every age, darling. If you can get in and enjoy yourself respectfully, then you are the right age for that club.

Wait, do you have a problem with Muslims?
No, I have a problem with Islam. 

Why do I find Meghan Markle so fascinating?
Because you’re basic.

How do you feel about the Chateau Marmont converting to a private members-only hotel?
Couldn’t care less. My version of Los Angeles has been dead for a decade. The city belongs to a new generation now, as it should. They can do with it whatever they please. It is no longer my concern.


On participating in democracy

I plan on voting for Biden in November.  But it’s terrible.  A vote for him is still a vote that will not significantly improve our deepest and most troubling social problems.  He won’t give us Medicare for All or any other badly needed boosts to social programs.  He will probably continue to support policies that actively oppress BIPOC.  He will not help us.  He’s also a sexual predator.  Truly, I do not want to vote for this man.  This is not the man I wanted to vote for.  I don’t want him in office.  He is simply not good enough.  This man doesn’t represent what I want at all.

But if I don’t vote for Biden in November, I feel like I’m making it that much easier for Trump to win another election.  And I want that even less than I want a Biden presidency.  I don’t want another 4 years of what we have now.  No fucking way.  No.

I’m so conflicted.  I feel like there is blood on my hands.  I feel like I’m casting a vote for death and misery if I’m not voting for a progressive candidate with a progressive platform.  I feel like I’m committing nothing short of an atrocity no matter what I choose to do.  I don’t want to harm people, and yet, won’t I essentially be doing exactly that?  I just want to do the right thing.  I don’t want to bring harm, or perpetuate harm towards anyone.

Trump will probably win anyway.  He’s doing all he can to ensure that, and it will probably work.  The impending climate disaster will kill us all because we will clearly continue to do nothing.  Our bodies will be riddled with micro and nanoplastics.  America will become an even more of an inhospitable police state.

 Nobody will hold Biden accountable for anything if he wins, and he’ll never give us the public policies we desperately need. 

“Is this what hope feels like?  I’d forgotten,” you tweeted recently.  How?  And for what?  I see nothing but bad things to come.  I feel a deep sense of hopelessness and despair.

There are plenty of reasons to feel hopelessness and despair right now, but with regard to Joe Biden, you are wasting a whole bunch of negative emotions on a giant pile of shitty beliefs that just aren’t true.

First, and let me be very clear on this one, Joe Biden is not a sexual predator. He’s just not. Believe me, I would be shouting it from the rooftops if I thought he were. When Tara Reade went public, I took her allegations very seriously. I gave her extra helpings of the benefit of the doubt, but it turned out there was a mountain of evidence suggesting that Reade has always been a lying, manipulative grifter (which I didn’t want to be true), and there was another mountain of evidence suggesting that the predatory behavior alleged by Reade is simply not in Biden’s character (which I was very reluctant to trust). There was a time when I was hopeful that Reade’s accusations might even knock Biden out of the race, but I’m not the kind of person who believes a thing merely because I want it to be true. It’s fine if you want to criticize Biden for what appears to be a history of awkward or retrospectively inappropriate behavior. Hell, you can even buy into all that “Creepy Uncle Joe” bullshit, but you’re just plain wrong if you insist that Joe Biden is a sexual predator. (Obviously, the same cannot be said of Donald Trump, who is a straight-up serial rapist with a list of at least twenty-five women who have publicly and credibly accused him of sexual assault.)

As for your policy concerns, I understand your frustration. I would love to be voting for a far-left ultra-progressive firebrand of a candidate in the upcoming general election. That would feel wonderful, right up until the moment that she loses in a landslide, and I guarantee you, a far-left ultra-progressive candidate would get her ass handed to her by Trump. That’s not an outcome we can afford as a species, much less as a nation. You understand this, which is why you still plan on voting for Biden. Good. I’m really glad you’re not being a purist asshole about this. The evil garbage monsters in the GOP just love a left-wing purist who refuses to vote responsibly. Republicans are desperately praying to their imaginary white Jesus that all the Green Party crunch bars will fuck it up for the rest of us like they did back in 2016. We cannot let that happen again.

Listen, I’m not gonna try and convince you to like Joe Biden. You’re already gonna vote for him, so I’m perfectly fine if you hate his breathing guts. What I do want from you is a little maturity, some vision, and a realistic sense of scale. No one candidate will ever be the solution to our problems — not Bernie, not Liz, and certainly not Joe. At best, a candidate is a vector, a course correction, a desperately needed step in the right direction. That’s all we can expect from Biden, and he is bringing it. He’s bringing it every single day with a list of policy positions that are more progressive than any President’s in the history of the United States, and he most certainly brought it with the selection of Kamala Harris as his running mate.

Biden recognizes his place in history. He knows he is little more than a national stop-gap, a post-Trump tourniquet to stanch the bleeding. His Vice-Presidency and eventual Presidency will be a line of demarcation between two very distinct chapters of American history. This is more than just bridging the Boomer/Millennial generational divide. In the distant future (if we have one), it is my sincerest hope that Biden will be remembered as “The Last of the Old White Men,” a happy warrior who marked the end of a certain kind of Modern America and who helped usher in a new kind of Postmodern America. Those terms are clunky and loaded and absolutely will not stand the test of time, but we’re not the ones who get to name what we’re about to become. We’re the ones who have to keep doing the hard work to finally get us there, and that’s why I really need you to change your whole fucking attitude. 

This shit is going to be grueling. The fight will be brutal if not bloody, and there is absolutely no room for whiners and layabouts. You want to improve our deepest and most troubling social problems? Great. Quit moaning about doing harm with your vote and go do some actual good with your own two fucking hands. Pulling a lever in a voting booth every couple years is the bare minimum. In terms of civic duty, it is the absolute least you can do. Of course Biden won’t give us Medicare for All. Neither would Sanders or Warren. That’s not how any of this works. Presidents don’t give us shit. We do it ourselves. We demand it, loudly and with force, and over long stretches of time, with enough solidarity and sustained action, laws are enacted and policies change. 

I was around when the Clintons tried deadlifting their universal health care plan off the ground back in 1993. Maybe you remember it, maybe you weren’t even born yet, but that’s how long this shit takes. It’ll have been three fucking decades and two fucking generations of Democrats trying desperately to kick that gutbucket up Capitol Hill by the time we finally get around to some semblance of a single payer healthcare system. Thirty fucking years, my friend. That’s the kind of patience and perseverance the American experiment demands of us, so quit your fucking whining. Enough with all the pearl-clutching and hand-wringing. Take all your conflicted navel gazing bullshit and toughen the fuck up, buttercup.

You are on the right side of history. You are with the good guys. Quit your fucking bitching, and get out there and help us win.

Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

I found the city that vibrates at the frequency of my soul, but my partner doesn’t want to move there. What to do?
Make your choice and live with the consequences.

Even when I’m hurting, I never raise my voice or try to hurt my partner. Is this a standard I should expect from them too, or is everyone entitled to express their emotions?
People are entitled to experience their emotions. They are not entitled to express them, particularly when doing so is harmful. You should absolutely expect your partner to have the necessary emotion regulation skills to be able to effectively express their emotions without harming you. This is basic relationship health.

What do you think Thanksgiving is gonna look like this year?
Honestly, I can’t see beyond November 3rd.

I’m moving out to live with friends/flatmates in a month. My first proper moving out- dorms at university don’t count. Any tips?
Have house rules and a chore chart in place on day one. More important than the actual documents are that you all have a mutually agreed upon system for how responsibilities are shared and how conflicts are resolved.  

What’s the difference between self love and narcissism?
They have nothing in common. Narcissism isn’t thinking you’re a wonderful person. It’s thinking you’re the only person. Most narcissists are filled with self-loathing. Self love is a good thing, particularly when it’s balanced with love for others. 

Are you Esther Perel? And if not: what’s your opinion on her?
I am not Esther Perel. My opinion is that she is the real deal.

We’re a cis heterosexual (primarily) couple who have individually and collectively worked on our race, gender and caste politics. I currently work in the field of gender and sexual health advocacy. Why am I jealous of his past non binary lovers?
Yeah. Judging by your vocabulary, it sounds like all the work you’ve done has helped correct your shame-based thinking, which is great, but the problem is that your worldview is still governed by fear-based thinking. Jealousy is rooted in fear. Open-mindedness is not the antidote for fear. Open-heartedness is.

I am in the process of incorporating stoicism in my life. What other forms of living a better life can you suggest? I’m thankful for your recommendation of The Four Agreements. Also, missing your book recommendations. I hope you’re doing well. Thank you for everything!
Be careful with stoicism. It has a lot of good stuff to offer (pantheism, mindfulness, radical acceptance, etc.), but most people get it wrong, particularly those who wear it like a badge, and you will quickly find yourself in the company of assholes if you announce yourself as a stoic. I’m sure you’ve probably already got a dog-eared copy of Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, but if not, that’s the next book you need to read.

Hey, thanks for helping me navigate the world. I found your tumblr at 17 and now I’m 27 and this year was particularly rough (not just the usual way) and having your voice in my head allowed me to prioritize my integrity and let go of a lot of bullshit—I wish I could buy you a drink and tell you this story some time.
Keep up the good work. You got this.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Sorry your comments section is overrun with fash trash. Yikes.
Yeah, it hurts my heart. I feel like it’s partly my fault for being gone so long. These dudes forget, I’m a libertine, not a libertarian. I’ve always been the type to hurl a Molotov cocktail through the Overton Window. 

I’m really sick of people telling me I’ll meet the right person when the time is right. Is that a bag of BS?
Of course it’s bullshit. There’s no such thing as “the” right person, and the time is only right if you put in the work to make it that way.

I am obsessed with my bf’s exes. I am aware that I am projecting my own insecurities, but I don’t manage to stop. What do I do.
You’re obsessed with your boyfriend’s exes because you know you’re going to be one. You need to accept that. It really will be okay. Besides, you’re not quite yet emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship. This is all just practice. It’s fine. Don’t hold on so tightly. Let go when it’s time, and pay close attention to how everyone behaves. This is how you learn.

Why are we unable to classify belief in god as insanity?
Because the APA isn’t as powerful as the Church.

A man who was really flirty and seemed interested just rejected me. Really arrogant of me, I know, but I’m not used to being rejected, how do I get over this inexplicably shitty feeling?
Quit making it about you.

We’ve moved in together. He is my forever love. I know this is our next step. Yet I’m heartbroken of moving out of my condo and been struggling with my emotions. This has him and others think I’m doubting moving in together.
What you’re experiencing is normal, and it is perfectly okay. Take all the time you need to grieve the loss of your condo life. While you’re at it, grieve the loss of your entire pre-pandemic existence. Remind yourself, your boyfriend, and the others (not that it’s any of their fucking business) that your grief isn’t about him. It’s about you adjusting to it all, and you will eventually be fine.

Do you think 9/11 was an inside job?
Still no. Why do you keep asking this year after year?

If you were 23 right now which city would you move to?
Am I 23 and broke with no degree, or am I 23 fresh out of college with parental support? Those are two very different cities. Either way, I would move to a city that calls me, one that vibrates at the frequency of my soul. 

What do you think is bad advice that gets repeated?
“Money can’t buy happiness.” (Yes it fucking can.) “Everything happens for a reason.” (No it fucking doesn’t.) “You can create your own luck.” (That’s not even a thing.) “Just be yourself.” (Not if you’re an asshole.) And finally, my least favorite thought-terminating cliché that passes for advice these days: “It is what it is.” (No, you have not suddenly achieved a Zen-like state of acceptance. You’re just lazy and dumb and can’t think of anything appropriate to say.)