Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

My relationship is OK. Not amazing, not bad. I oscillate between wanting to end it, and sinking into another comfortable night of Netflix with someone I love. I’ve never been this comfortable and I feel like it’s sucking out my motivation to improve other areas in my life. Is this a good reason to leave?
It’s not your relationship’s fault that you’re a lazy piece of shit. Fucking handle your business. Motivate. Improve the other areas in your life. Do it now or you’ll get stuck in a pattern where you think the best version of yourself can only be single.

I’m 25 and just started cutting myself again. What the fuck?
It happens. Go get some professional help. If you need a referral for mental health care services in your area, email me here.

Coke, I just got to Sydney for my best friend from high school’s wedding. So amazing seeing her and her family. Then we got to her apartment and met…him. Her fiancé is a total asshole. I’m kind of freaking out.
It’s not your wedding, so you don’t get to freak out. Be cool. Kill the fiancé with kindness, and don’t make any part of the wedding about you.

I need to make a career change, and I know exactly where to move, I know exactly what I need to do to get a job there, I’m close to having a significant amount of savings, and I even have a partner who’s ready, willing, and eager to go with me. I hate my current job, I’m sick of my apartment and my neighborhood, and I’m even getting tired of my entire city. So why I have I spent all my free time full of anxiety, goofing off, and not planning at all?
You’re paralyzed. It’s fear of the unknown combined with an ugly case of emotional and/or spiritual inertia. You gotta push through that shit.

Rupi Kaur? Thought you were above that kind of yuppy wisdom.
Milk and Honey was given to me by a friend who was dying of cancer. Y’all couldn’t have known that, but at the same time, y’all could also chill the fuck out. My book lists are a snapshot of what’s on my bookshelf. They’re not a curriculum.

The friend who introduced me to this blog oh so many years ago passed away unexpectedly and far too early. His funeral is tomorrow and I’m so glad that you’re posting more right now. It’s providing an unexpected comfort and connection. Thank you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you read this and think of him fondly.

You followed me on Twitter a year ago, and since then, some of the coolest and most interesting people I’ve had the pleasure to know began following me. I’ve actually become friends with some of them. Sometimes, I feel like a fraud because they see me in a better light based on what they think of as a tacit endorsement from you. Either way, I’m still grateful. You are a part of me, even though I have no idea who you are and you have no idea who I am.
Yeah, Twitter has kinda become what Tumblr used to be for me.

Read your post from August 2013, On the harm in flirtation. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Been messaging some married guy back and forth, thought it was harmless since we’re both not interested romantically – but your post made me stop and think. And I realized his wife would be upset if she knew. I just happened to be hitting the random advice button. So glad that’s the one that came up. Thank you.
Glad the 2013 version of me could help.

Hey Coke. Do you know anything about the contents about your identity contained in this review posted recently to Amazon? Apparently, you’re an almost 40-year-old single mom, who fled L.A. because she was unsuccessful in her career and love life, among other things.
Ha! Every single detail of that review is straight-up wrong. The only thing remotely accurate is the fact that I’m a struggling human nobody like 99% of the world. (I mean, duh.) I do love the idea that my identity is an “open secret” amongst some set of people who are either tragically misinformed or completely full of shit. There’s something deeply satisfying about that.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On some long overdue fun-sized advice

I feel like you abandoned us when we needed you most.
Don’t be silly.

It hurts when he chooses someone over me. Calls me when it doesn’t work out. And I know it and I hope he loves me. I don’t know why I do this to myself. Every time I forget him he comes back into my life. I let him.
You do this to yourself because you enjoy the pain. The flood of negative emotions you feel when he chooses someone over you serves a greater purpose in your life than the tiny, twisted dose of joy you get when he comes back around. You’re using him as much as he’s using you, and the only person who respects you less than him is you.

I live in a cute neighborhood with a couple of bars not even a 5 min walk from my apartment. Is it uncool, unwise, and/or unsafe to have a drink by myself once in a while to try to meet people (not for hook-ups)?
It’s perfectly fine. Get to know your bartenders. Become a regular.

I work with a bunch of super-‘smart,’ hipster, trendy, young, ‘digital nomad,’ techy people at a company that is basically a glorified recruiting firm for freelancers. Everything is just a little too, I know know…. ‘start-up awesome.’ What is my deal?
Nothing. You’re experiencing the new normal. Keep doing your thing, get to know as many people as possible, and don’t ever get too comfortable.

Why did my fiance’s ex start following me on Instagram? We’ve been together for four years and I’ve never met her.
Please. You’re the evil bitch who’s about to marry her first love. She’s gonna be hate-following you for the rest of your natural life.

I cheated on my boyfriend, and he assaulted me (broken bones, etc.). Both are moral failings of course, but am I self-centered for feeling like the assault was more egregious than the cheating? All of my friends feel as though I deserved it, and are distinctly “Team Ex-Bf”. Does infidelity justify violence? Is this my penance?
Physical violence outside of self-defense is utterly inexcusable. Anyone who even remotely defends your ex is not your friend. Get the fuck out of that situation and as far away from those people as possible.

I’m 19 years old. My mom keeps talking about how she wants to kill herself. I don’t know what to do. I feel useless.
Call 911 the next time she does it. Don’t hesitate. When the emergency first responders arrive, tell them that your mother is suicidal and demand that they take her to a hospital. Go with them. Tell the doctors that she has a long history of suicidality and that you believe she is a danger to herself. Tell them she needs to be put on a 72 hour psychiatric hold. Take control of the situation, and don’t back down. Ignore all the horrible shit that your mother will say to you. It will be scary and it will be difficult, but I promise, if you follow through and get your mother admitted, I guarantee things will change. I can’t promise that your mom will stop manipulating you with her depression, but I can promise that you won’t feel useless anymore.

You’re leaning a little less to the left these days, aren’t you? It’s understandable considering the chaos of late. I wonder if you listen at all to people like Gad Saad, Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson who have reasoned, intelligent ideas on politics, gender, race etc.
Reasoned and intelligent ideas? What the fuck could you possibly be thinking? Gad Saad is a lumbering asshole, Ben Shapiro is a creepy little fascist, and Jordan Peterson is just plain wrong. Ugh. Just because these pricks make the rounds on respectable podcasts that doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Fucking hell, have some intellectual integrity.

I’m getting very close to checking out early. On an individual level, I’m struggling to keep my head above water. On societal and global levels, everything seems to be unraveling. How do I keep moving forward when it’s getting harder to believe that there’s even a future?
Your problem is that you think struggling is the same thing as suffering. It’s not. Learn to separate the two and you won’t resent your existence so much. Your other problem is that you think there’s supposed to be a future. There isn’t. We’re all gonna die in the next few decades, and on a geological timescale, nothing we’ll do as a species is ever gonna matter. That doesn’t mean you get to check out early. You still have to show up and do your thing.

I was raped 3 years ago in an alley by a stranger. I have just now recently (last 6 months) started therapy for my bouts of PTSD. Why do I feel like my case of PTSD has less significance than say, ongoing sexual abuse or childhood trauma, when I’m trying to discuss it? And why do I care? And why am I letting this get in the way of making any real progress in healing?
In a word? Guilt. You’re letting guilt get in the way of healing because deep down you blame yourself for the rape, and rather than do the hard work it takes to process that guilt, you’re unconsciously taking the easy way out and allowing your guilt to manifest in the form of therapy interfering emotions. Whenever you start feeling like you aren’t as worthy of treatment as others, catch yourself. Recognize that it’s just your guilt talking, and remind yourself that none of this shit was your fault and that you deserve to heal.

I read that Portland has a very racist history. I’ve never been but I liked the idea of it until I read more about its past.
Wow, you’re really gonna be bummed when you hear about the history of literally everywhere in human civilization.

Is it true that you can’t be racist towards white people?
It’s certainly true in America. (You can be prejudiced against white people, but racism requires an element of systemic or institutionalized oppression, and the dominant cultural group is, by definition, not oppressed.)

What’s the difference between making it work and settling?
The low quality of your relationship versus the low quality of your partner.

He just broke up with me. After 7 years. Said he didn’t want to marry me. Why do I feel surprisingly okay right now?
Because you didn’t want to marry him either.

I’m Indian. I started dating this black dude a white ago, and he’s friends with this vegan white chick with dreads. Why does this bother me?
Because vegan white chicks with dreads bother everybody.

House to be completed in October. Should I lock my mortgage interest rate now or wait for Trump destabilize the economy between now and the end of October?
Lock in your rate immediately. That shit’ll be half a point higher by Halloween.

What is your opinion on people who have wine glass charms?
The only thing I feel for them is pity.

I’ve matched with everyone in this small town in Tinder/Bumble for a year now, and no one has replied.
Move.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice

My childhood best friend and I had a stupid falling out and haven’t spoken years, but just today she finally deleted me on Facebook. Is it stupid to still be upset about this?
No, but grow the fuck up already. Call your former BFF and mend the fucking fence. The falling out was stupid. Put forth the effort, and fall back in. You don’t ever get to have more childhood friends. They are valuable. Reach the fuck out already. Apologize. Show a little remorse and regret, and you’ll be surprised to find out how easy it is to make up.

Your “Be Vulnerable” button scares the shit out of me. I’ve always been brash, unflappable, guarded; it’s my schtick and I mostly like it but I know as I age this is unsustainable. I know it is time to grow out of it but how do I start? How do I soften without melting? How do I deconstruct without falling apart? How do I actually become vulnerable?
You are already vulnerable. You are already a jumble of constructs. You are already soft. You don’t have to start doing anything to grow. Just stop with the schtick. Lower your guard. You’re not gonna melt. You’re not gonna fall apart.

When is the right time to tell your romantic partner that you have a mental illness? (Bipolar II). Are the rules any different for boys and girls?
The rules are not different for boys and girls. You don’t ever have to tell anyone about your mental disorder, but a good rule of thumb to consider is that if this is the person who you would list as your emergency contact, then they should probably know about any health conditions you may have.

Is your job supposed to make you happy? Is one person supposed to make you happy? Are you supposed to make yourself happy?
No, no, and yes, to the extent that we are each responsible for our own emotional states, but never forget that happiness is fleeting and often shallow. Happiness is not the point. Growth is the point.

Would you ever excuse the death penalty? Say, for an unapologetic racist who murdered nine people? People who hacked children apart? Ever?
Not by the state. Not ever.

If you could take a vacation anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?
Australia. I’m in the mood to not give a fuck, and those crazy bastards make me happy.

What is your purpose in life? Overall or right now in this season? Does this blog fit in to what you feel your purpose is?
I thought for a while I was an explorer monkey, but it turns out I’m a helper monkey, so yeah, this blog fits neatly into that purpose.

Did Sarah Silverman just plagiarize you in her Netflix special?
I’m not the first person to notice that we’re insignificant specks of dust.

LA or SF? (as they both exist now)
Portland.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

What about couples that have good marriages? Is there anything wrong with desiring that kind of special bond with someone without including the children and family portion.
Pair bonding is as human as human gets. Healthy relationships are fucking wonderful. Of course there’s nothing wrong with couplehood, with or without children. You should know this by now. Do what makes you happy.

How do I escape the broken record player of my painful memories?
EMDR.

What makes god more important than me?
Your ego. It’s your sense of self that makes your idea of god more important than you. Kill your ego. Lose your sense of self, and it’s possible to recognize that you and your god and the entire universe are all the same thing.

Which contemporary conservative writers should we be reading? Is anyone making any sense over there anymore?
David Frum has been worth reading lately. Even David Brooks is occasionally getting it right. Of course, it’s only because of all the shit they talk about Trump. Credit where credit is due.

How is Lena Dunham so successful?
She had a good meeting at HBO in 2010, and nobody within earshot has told her to shut the fuck up since.

Was Bill Maher always such a festering boil or is this a new development?
Bill is stuck in the late 90s. He was progressive back then, but he hasn’t told a fresh joke or had a novel idea in two decades. What’s worse is that he still thinks he’s edgy. That’s what makes him so insufferable.

Is your yearly sabbatical a way to purge fair-weather readers?
Nah. I’ve been busy doing major life shit. I’ll be back for real later in the year.

I lost my almost full journal this morning and feel really fucking bad about it, even though all that was in there was personal scribbles and self-reflective stuff. I’m 24 – is this a ridiculous reaction?
You lost a valuable artifact of your own identity. It’s fine to grieve its loss, but if I were you, I would go right out and get a fresh journal and let this be an unintended ritualization of you letting go of your past.

you always have an interesting perspective on things. how much longer do you think the modern nation-state will survive? and what comes next?
The modern nation-state is already old news, and if we manage not to annihilate ourselves, then best case scenario we’ll end up with some kind of post-labor, pre-interstellar transhumanist society. (We’re probably gonna annihilate ourselves though.)

I am beginning to think I was designed to be alone. I want to be ok with that. I don’t think she and I will ever be. We had all the chemistry, but the worst timing.
You were not designed to be alone. No human was. That doesn’t mean you were designed for contemporary Western couplehood, but still, it’s much more likely that you’re conflating chemistry with compatibility.

I went on a second date with a guy I met online. He’s objectively attractive, polite, intelligent, and has a steady job. But I’m just not that into him. I felt ambivalent after the first date, but decided to give it another chance. The conversation still felt forced, even though we’ve been texting back and forth for a few weeks. Also, he’s a decent looking guy, but I found myself unsure about whether I was attracted to him. I felt like we didn’t have a lot of chemistry. I just graduated from law school and am new to online dating. I am used to meeting people in class or at parties and then going out later. Is this normal for online dating or is there something wrong with me that I’m not into a guy who should be “perfect on paper” for me?
You are not attracted to this guy. There is zero chemistry. There’s nothing wrong with him and there’s nothing wrong with you. That’s just how it is, and it’s perfectly normal. The intensity of focus you’ve placed on this question is leftover anxiety from law school. Chill the fuck out, counselor. You’ll find a guy.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Is it over?
Fuck no.

Pleaseee post another monthly playlist!! Hope you’re doing cool secret shit.
Yeah, here’s a new long-overdue playlist.

What is the difference between giving up and letting go?
It’s the difference between submission and surrender.

Why am I so upset that the guy who dumped me because he was “too busy to date” now has a Tinder?
Because you take shit personally when shit isn’t about you.

I got into McGill, and I’m French so I can pay low tuition, should I leave the US to go to Canada for college?
McGill is a great school. If you can handle the weather up there, absolutely.

One year ago today he told me that he loved me for the first time. Tomorrow he leaves for Italy, permanently. We decided to split when he goes, and it’s the right decision, but why does it feel like I’ll never be in love again?
Because that’s what it’s supposed to feel like right now. Enjoy the pain. It’s all part of the adventure.

Did you ever foresee the day when you’d agree with Dubya?
Ugh. I’m so fucking pissed that Donald Trump is giving George W. Bush the opportunity to become an elder statesman.

Has Trump diminished CQ? I feel like it would be business as usual on this site if Hillary was President 🙁
It’s not our dumbfuck president. I’ve got real life shit going on. Most of it’s good, but incredibly draining. At some point in 2017 it will probably go back to business as usual, but for now, I can only give you what I got.

My mom and some of her boyfriends molested me growing up. I’m 22 now and planning to meet her and kill her. Why shouldn’t I?
You won’t get away with it, and she isn’t worth spending the rest of your life incarcerated.

Do you think being intelligent makes it more difficult to find a life partner?
No, but being stupid might make it easier.

My boyfriend said that he doesn’t have sex because he loves me: “sex is more animal than that.” I can’t articulate how I feel about that, but I don’t think it’s good. What do I think of it? What do I do?
He’s either bullshitting you because he’s got serious sexual issues, or he’s telling the truth because he’s got serious sexual issues. Either way, break up with him. He ain’t worth the trouble.

Is it inherently conceited to think “I could do better” as regards sexual/romantic partners?
Only if you can’t.

I did it. I broke up with him. What’s more, I won’t be leaving in the middle of the night with a backpack. I’m standing my ground. I live here. Thank you for your silent support.
Proud of you.

I feel super fucking lame for being as in love with my boyfriend as I am.
No you don’t.

Why would a black guy continue to text a white girl who is obviously fetishizing him?
Because pussy.

Who the hell did Dolly Parton vote for?
Hillary.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Will you be attending the Woman’s March on the 21st?
Yes.

Dating a guy, just slept with him and it was terrible. Try to fix it, or leave in search of greener pastures?
The word “terrible” isn’t much to go on. If you like the guy and it was just accidentally awkward and confusing, then give him a couple attempts to find his footing. If you don’t really know how you feel about him and the sex was deliberately thoughtless or disrespectful, then immediately get the fuck out.

Do we really want to get Trump impeached in 2018? I loath the man and everything he stands for, but isn’t Pence worse?
No. Pence is not worse. He is demonstrably horrible, but if Trump were to be removed from office, the Vice President would be so thoroughly hobbled by the impeachment process and a freshly elected midterm Democratic majority that his Presidency would be reduced to a short, shame-filled exercise in seat-warming until the 2020 election.

What is your take on the unbelievably insane Golden Showers situation that quite frankly sounds completely plausible? What are your thoughts, and what will be the outcome? Everyone’s getting into it, but I feel your eloquence and savagery is required.
Of course it’s plausible. I’ve never fucked a rich man who wasn’t into some super kinky shit. Honestly, a little piss play with Russian hookers barely moves the needle on my freak-o-meter. The Trump Presidential Library will most certainly have an adult section, but that’s not at all important. What matters is, can he do the job? JFK was fucking movie stars two at a time, but damnit, the man knew how to lead a country. Can the same be said for Trump? Hell no. Don’t let the titillating nonsense distract you from the glaring reality that Trump is grossly unqualified for the Presidency.

Is it really as simple as to just… stop? Train myself out of certain maladaptive behaviors? I’ve been skeptical of the “fake it til you make it” tribe but maybe that’s what I have to do in order to quit being a neurotic asshole. Thoughts?
Yes. It really is that simple, but simple ain’t easy.

We’ve been dating a year and a half and suddenly I’ve gotten a dose of jealousy. Everything is status quo, but I get a twinge of something whenever I think of him having been with another girl. I don’t like this sensation and the logical part of my brain knows I need to chill the fuck out and let the past be in the past, but this doesn’t always help. How do I fix this?
A threesome.

Your advice works.
Yeah, I know.

I’m getting to know a guy from Bumble. Checks all the boxes: job, house, close with family, no kids, etc. However, he told me yesterday that he was addicted to pain pills and has been clean for 4 years. Is this a giant red flag?
Not if it was after some kind of injury or surgery that he can specifically point to and say, “this is how it started.” If he can’t do that, then there’s more to the story that he’s not telling you, and the real red flag has yet to be unfurled.

I’ve been following you for years. Your current comments section drives me crazy. I’m so glad more people have found you, but I can’t even click through anymore. I don’t mind engaging in thoughtful debate, but I can’t take the misogynistic, unintelligible, unfunny fuck-wits. I don’t know how they found us. I wish they would leave.
I’m open to any and all ideas on improving the level of discourse in my comments section. Sure, at any time, I could interfere and start pruning the weeds, but I’d rather you all find a way to self-correct. For instance, and I can’t stress this enough, stop engaging with the fuck-wits. We all know who they are. Ignore them.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Serious question: How do we get Trump impeached?
Win back the House in 2018.

Trying to empathize with Trump voters has fucked me up, Coke! What the fuck!
Stop it. You’re trying to take a high road that doesn’t exist. To engage with them at all is to walk the low road, so either accept your surroundings or go find something else to do with your time.

Aren’t you exactly the kind of highly educated professional, white, liberal to which the Democratic party has catered for decades and which has resulted in their political defeat all over the country?
The word you’re looking for is elite, and yes, I’m elite as fuck. The election didn’t change that. Nothing can. Win or lose, I’ll always be elite, and deep down, you’ll always feel inferior. It’s not my fault that you feel inferior, but you do, and that’s why you troll the internet loathing people like me, because you loathe yourself so much more.

Please tell me I won’t get caught in the middle of a war if I go to teach English in South Korea?
Don’t worry. If war comes, it will likely be a nuclear first strike from the North, so you won’t see it coming and you won’t feel a thing.

You talk a lot about cheating in relationships. What do you think of cheating in the academic realm? Specifically, cheating on exams. A lot of people around me do it in college, and they all get away with it.
There’s a difference between cheating and breaking the rules. Cheating involves a breach of your integrity, but if you had no say in the setting of the rules, if they’re arbitrary or serve other interests at the expense of your own, or if you never agreed to follow the rules in the first place, then breaking them isn’t necessarily a breach of your integrity. Academic honor codes can be like that. They exist for the benefit of the institution, not you. That’s why I’m neutral when it comes to breaking the rules in an academic setting. I neither condone it nor condemn it. Feel free to fuck the system, but recognize that the system fucks back, and if you get caught, then you absolutely deserve to be punished, and you don’t get to cry about it.

I can only come (both by myself and with my boyfriend of 3 years) by thinking of getting fucked by my professor. Insight or advice?
Do you have romantic feelings or sexual thoughts for your professor outside of moments when you’re trying to orgasm? If presented with an opportunity, would you actually fuck him? In other words, is this phenomenon part of a larger crush, or is it more of a sexual fixation? Be honest with your answers. If you have feelings for your professor, admit it and then deal with that shit. If it’s just a fixation, try making it more and more abstract until you get up the courage to role play with your boyfriend.

Is it better to break up and perhaps never find love again or to stay in a relationship you don’t enjoy anymore?
This is a false dichotomy created by the weakest part of you, so I won’t dignify it with an answer except to say that you won’t make the right decision as long as you’re motivated by fear and regret.

I’m dating a guy who has a fondness for inspirational quotes. Not even ones that strike me as particularly insightful; really trite bullshit. Why does this bother me so much?
Because it’s evidence that he’s an idiot.

Have just spoken to my choice artist and, next week I’m booking in to have “Stay Wild” tattooed across my knuckles. Thank you for everything.
Fuck yeah. You gotta send me a pic.

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On fun-sized advice

Hey girl. Just reaching out because we haven’t heard from you in a while. I hope you’re just busy with work or off traveling. Anyway, thinking of you and hope you’re well.
Thanks for thinking of me. (Thank you all.) I’m okay. It’s been a month of sex and love and death. I don’t feel like typing it all out, and I’m not sure if I have my spirit back, but it’s nice to be reading the mail again. And fair warning, I’m gonna be out of the country for a bit, just a few weeks, but I’ll do my best not to disappear.

Does it weird you out that we get worried when you’ve been gone for a while?
It means the fucking world to me.

I just turned 29 and I’m pretty sure I found my g-spot last night.
Nice. If you were ever gonna find your g-spot, 2016 was definitely the year.

Why is it that cutting my arms is the only way to quiet the foghorn going off in my head at all times?
It’s not the only way. Cutting yourself is just a quick fix. It’s cheap and lazy. Summon up the inner strength or self-respect or whatever the fuck it takes and go find some healthy ways of regulating your emotions. Get help. Put in the work. You can do it.

I think I might be a narcissist. What do I do?
Don’t act like one.

I feel so burned out on dating and even casual sex feels unexciting right now. What would Coquette do?
Take a break and go learn a new thing instead.

Wait, so do we or don’t we have free will?
Nothing is free.

How do I stop hating/resenting my rich white friends?
Find value in different forms of capital (cultural or otherwise.)

Can you recommend any podcasts on politics?
The Weeds by Vox. (I have a bit of a nerd crush on Ezra Klein.)

Ugh. Tomi Lahren. Ugh. What would you have to say to her if she engaged in conversation with you?
Tomi reminds me of a well-groomed poodle who gets a treat from her racist owners every time she barks at black people. She seems easily trainable, but I have zero interest in teaching new tricks to someone else’s spoiled puppy.

I’m a fuck up and can’t do anything and nobody knows it but I think about killing myself every single day.
When you hear the words “you’re a fuck up and you can’t do anything,” whose voice is in your head? (It’s not yours. I promise.) Whoever it is, spend your time thinking about how to delete their influence from your life rather than thinking about killing yourself.

I just realized that years of undiagnosed bipolar II have left me with an ugly as fuck romantic history — several older married men, jealous and generally useless outside of the forbidden love myth in my hypomanic head — and I’m horrified. How do I fix this? Now that meds have cleared my mind for long enough, I am disgusted with myself (and frankly with the cheating fucks who were supposed to know better too, but mostly with myself).
You fix it by forgiving yourself, learning from your mistakes, and making healthier life decisions from here on out. (I know this is a very “eat your vegetables” type answer, but there’s really no trick to it. Get your shit together and change.)

My fuckbuddy ghosted me. Everything was going great but he must have become bored with me. Why do I tear myself apart over guys when they decide to move on from me?
Because you’re a human being with emotions and rejection fucking sucks. Also, you haven’t learned how to not take things personally. Also, you should probably make sure that you know the difference between a fuckpuppet and a fuckbuddy.

We’d been together 3 years, long distance (different colleges) for the last 2. I got drunk and let someone kiss me. I called him immediately after and begged for forgiveness, but I think a part of me was looking for a way to end the relationship and did something destructive to make it happen. I know now that I have a pattern of staying in relationships too long out of fear, and now it’s manifested in cheating, which is something I would have never imagined myself doing. How do I break this pattern?
You’re too young for this shit to be a pattern. In fact, it’s a fairly early insight. If you’ve realized that you stay in relationships too long, there’s only one way to change that behavior: break the fuck up. Do it today. You’re each probably home for the holidays, so do it in person if you can. Be firm and be fast. Let 2017 be a fresh start for both of you.

My boyfriend and I are going on a date with another girl later tonight. The only reason I’m ready for this is because I happened across your writing so many years ago. You changed my life. I love you. Thank you.
Right on. I wanna hear how it went.

You’re an uninformed, racist moron. I hope that the misery you heap upon others with your incompetence and vanity will be revisited upon you.
I love the irony of you using ableist language to call me a racist. Also, “revisited upon you?” Who the fuck talks like that? You must own a lot of action figures.

The day after I gave my intern your book, she walked in to work looking particularly empowered saying ‘this book! This BOOK!’ And I was like ‘right?!’ And she went on to say she had been texting photos of the pages to her sister and friends all morning and telling them all to read it and we talked about it pretty much all day. So yeah, thanks for sharing your awesomeness and inspiring us 🙂
Love this. Thanks for spreading the word.

what is the fucking point anymore? protests ended. people are becoming numb. no one cares to speak up anymore? are we not going to fight?
The point is to live. The point is to keep going. It’s okay to let the vigilance mellow into something less acute. It’s not about intensity anymore; it’s about stamina. Dig in, hold fast, and keep a calm and constant pressure as the pendulum swings.

Are you happy?
As I type this, I am something close to happy.

Are we going to be okay?
Ha! No.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On trump-sized advice

CQ, will you please let your sizable fan base know that there is still a Senate seat up for grabs in Louisiana? Every single person in the country who is horrified by the Donald Trump presidency should be trying to get Foster Campbell elected right now, to bring the Senate to an even slightly less terrifying 51-49.
Every last motherfucker who reads this, please go donate to Foster Campbell’s campaign. Do it right now. If you live in Louisiana, get your ass off the couch and go volunteer for his campaign. No joke. This is a big deal.

Do you think they’re crushing up Xanax or some shit and putting it in his soda? Or is he just very, very scared while riding a narcissist’s high?
Please. Donald Trump has no chill. He’s just too busy fucking up already to be in our faces with his usual bullshit.

Not even a Trump presidency is keeping me distracted from wallowing in self pity over my break up. I’m still in love with him!! Please yell at me.
No. I envy you. This is the perfect time to be heartbroken. It’s like getting a two-for-one deal on misery. Go have a shitty round of holidays like the rest of us and look forward to a 2017 where we’ll all be hardened by bitterness and rage.

Let’s say Trump is out of the picture. Maybe he resigns, or is impeached…Mike Pence becomes our next President, right? Isn’t that even more terrifying, knowing his extremely right-leaning position on every platform? What do we do then? It’s like we’re in a game of chess and we’ve just been cornered.
Relax. Mike Pence would be crippled by his association with Trump. He has has no friends in Congress, no mandate, and he would get torn apart by a Republican leadership who would want a chance to hit the reset button in 2020. Yes, he’s a terrible human being, but he’s also an empty suit. We should be so lucky to have his dumb ass fumble into the Oval Office.

Trump the president will not be the same person as Trump the guy trying to win an election. It baffles me that you can be so naive. You give Hillary all these props for masterfully playing the game, yet Trump out-played her. You’re too blinded by your girl power bullshit that you can’t even give props where they’re due. I think you’ll be humbled by the reality of the next 4 years.
What? You think you’ve stumbled onto some unique insight? The candidate is always different than the office-holder, you boorish mansplaining twat. Trump outplayed Hillary by appealing to the worst inside the lowest among us. If you think for one second that Trump will suddenly transmogrify into anything resembling a statesman, then you are drastically underestimating the pathology of that man’s narcissism.

Is it actually possible for him to repeal Roe v. Wade? Please, please, please say no. Please.
Not only is it possible, but it’s likely. It won’t necessarily come in the form of a reversal, but I promise you that women’s reproductive rights will be eroded to the point of non-existence over the next two years. It won’t be permanent. We will eventually win the war, but be mentally and emotionally prepared to lose a number of important battles.

Any chance with this whole “faithless electors” thing?
No. The best case scenario is that enough electors abstain for Trump to not reach 270 votes, which means the Republican Congress would then have to vote him into office, which they would most definitely do. Still, at least it would force those assholes to stand up and claim Donald Trump as their own. They would be responsible for him. It would be their fault, not ours.

I’ve seen people have been donating to Planned Parenthood in Trump’s name, are you one of them?!
Of course I am.

“Embrace the fucking change.” Oof.
Now more than ever. (It’s not supposed to be easy, and remember, embrace doesn’t mean condone.)

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Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

not a peep from you about wikileaks confirming everything bernie sanders supporters have been mocked for believing. classic. let me guess, you believe the leaks are fake and that the russians did it. tell me where iraq’s WMDs are again? can’t wait to watch your girl be forced to drop out days before the election.
The leaks aren’t fake, the Russians did do it, and we aren’t mocking you for believing that Hillary Clinton played hardball in the primary. We’re mocking you because you’re a bunch of whiny toddlers throwing a temper tantrum because you don’t want to eat your vegetables.

Which do you consider the better option, double majoring in political science and international studies or majoring in International Political Economy and Development ? I’m having a hard time deciding between the two, and would love to hear your opinion.
Better is a value judgment, but if you want the more challenging degree, without a doubt choose the International Political Economy major with a double minor in Foreign Language and Global Business. That shit is impressive, whereas every kid who owns a suit and wants to study abroad double majors in Political Science and International Studies.

I just turned 20, but I feel like I just turned 80. Partying and drinking and going out sound exhausting, and I feel empty every time I do somehow make it out. How do I want to want to have fun again?
You want to have fun. You just haven’t realized yet that you get to decide what fun is.

My friends and I are in a debate and I would love your opinion. Is it appropriate for couples to share unrestricted access to each other’s phones?
If that’s how y’all wanna live, do your thing. That being said, boundaries are important even in the healthiest of relationships, and I certainly wouldn’t put up with that shit for one second.

Have you ever used the terms “lit” “bae” or “yaaaas queen?” I can’t see it at all and I’m laughing thinking about it.
Lit used to be slang for intoxicated, so I’ve used it in that sense. I’ve used bae ironically, and though I respect its appropriate use, I’ve never once in my life said the phrase “yaaaaas queen.”

I just got asked to Netflix and chill but I haven’t waxed my pubes in a month. Have I committed a vulva faux pas?
Nope. It’s just pubic hair. Honestly, it’s no big deal. You can Netflix and chill and actually chill.

You write “self help books are for fucking losers” in your self help book and it has only made me love you more.
I love you too, but I didn’t write a self-help book.

I’m in grad school working toward my MFA and all I want to do is tell my colleagues about your work. You’ve influenced me so much, in such small profound ways.
Tell ’em I said hey.

I’m not attracted to my husband.
Okay. Neither am I.

Can you talk about the last time you felt envious of someone?
The last person for whom I felt envy was my previous crush’s crush. Pretty basic stuff, actually.

I just met an actor and had a great time. Why do you rule them out?
Ha! You’ll see.

should i fuck my best friend’s husband?
Only if all three of you are into it.

Would you rather fuck John Oliver or John Stewart?
Stewart. No contest.

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