Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why do you support Kamala? She’s a prosecutor and doesn’t support Medicare For All. I’ll vote for her, but why the verve in your support for her? I understand people are divided on this and I’d love some clarity here.
Kamala literally had a Medicare-for-all plan, so you’re just plain wrong about that. That’s not why I support her, though. When I vote for a candidate, I’m voting for a living, breathing person, not a policy agenda, and certainly not a resume. I know Kamala to be a good person. Genuinely. She is strong, she is brilliant, and she is righteous. That’s why she has my support. I’m voting for Biden because I want Trump out, but I’m voting for Kamala because I want her in. The sooner the better.

I just got divorced and I dipped my toes back into dating. Just as disappointing as I remembered. Being attracted to men is the fucking worst, what do you do when your dating pool seems to be full of dipshits? I love my life otherwise, my ex and I are pretty amicable so i don’t necessarily think I’m bitter because divorce, but maybe because the reality of dating not being great.
You’ve got a super shitty attitude. That’s it. That’s your problem. You don’t have to be bitter about the divorce to fall into stale patterns from a previous phase of life, and that’s what’s happening. Your reality of dating is clouded by a bunch of negative beliefs. You’ve been on what? Two dates? Three? You don’t get to complain yet. Change up your game. Change your fucking attitude. You’ll be fine.

I just learned that I have a disorganized attachment style. I don’t know what to do with this, and my therapist doesn’t seem to either. Am I fucked?
No, you’re not fucked. Put in some hard work. Grow. Change. You can do it, and if your therapist doesn’t know how to help you, then it’s time to get another therapist. 

What are your thoughts on Carl Jung’s concept of synchronicity? I go back and forth between interpreting it as a profound metaphysical phenomenon and a kooky croc pot theory.
The term is crackpot, not croc pot. Jung’s Synchronicity is not profound. It’s just pure woo-woo nonsense. The concept is useful poetically, but it has no business being confused with actual metaphysics. It’s fine, though. Brilliant and important thinkers often hold ridiculous beliefs that set them in time. Issac Newton was big into alchemy. Synchronicity was just Jung’s alchemy.

Is the experience of moving out worth the financial cost? I’m 22, get on pretty well with my parents, and live within close distance of both my university and my part-time job. Recently however, a close friend has asked if I wished to move out with her, and I’m wondering if I’m potentially turning down an opportunity for self-growth.
You would most certainly be turning down an opportunity for self growth, but that doesn’t mean it’s worth the financial cost. You have to make that call yourself. Do the actual math on how much money you will save or spend in both scenarios. Create two monthly budgets that extend for a year beyond your graduation. Make a pros and cons list for moving out now. Make a pros and cons list for moving out after you graduate and get a full-time job. Sit with it all, and then make a decision.

Hey. I reached out to your Twitter DMs a few years ago and you were really kind and encouraged me to find a therapist. Thanks. I’m doing a lot better. I’m in school to be a teacher, and I’m engaged to my best friend. I going to be an aunt soon. Things are good. Mostly. So yeah, thanks for pushing me to find someone to talk to. It’s made a hell of a difference.
Hell yeah. Everyone should be in therapy.

“but it’s never to late to reject your programming” – you’re holding a mirror, dear.
I am well aware of my self-reflexivity.

Is your advice getting worse? Or am I just getting older?
My advice is getting better, and you are getting older.

Can a person be too hot to date?
Not for me.

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On fun-sized advice

Is America doomed? The news is painting a picture of backwards nation, completely out of touch with the contemporary realities. Surely this massive piece of land is as diverse as Europe, and not all of the US citizens are the idiots and fascists that the news would have us believe… right?
America isn’t the dirt underneath your feet. It’s an idea. America is nothing more than a giant and powerful meme with frayed edges and far too many competing and mutually exclusive interpretations with a central core of meaning that is shrinking faster than the polar ice caps, and not unironically, the exact same group of bastards are to blame for both. America is pure fiction, my friend, so yes, of course it’s doomed. Like all ideas, it will one day lose coherence and fizzle into extinction.

What’s your take on this reiki, crystal shit going on? At some point, my friend got into witchcraft and I’m uncomfortable while she’s talking to me about it? I have already muted her on social media. Is this how my friendship with her ends?
What do you mean witchcraft? Is your friend Wiccan? Wiccan crystal rituals are different than reiki crystal rituals. It’s all a bunch of ridiculous nonsense, but it’s different flavored nonsense. Is she mixing Wiccan crystal nonsense with reiki crystal nonsense? Typical behavior for the kind of dizzy twat who uses this stuff as a substitute for having a personality. If you’re uncomfortable with it, set a boundary. Tell her to shut the fuck up about woo-woo crystal shit when she’s around you. If she respects your boundary, that’s a friend. If she stays insufferable, you may want to move on. 

I could double my salary, eliminate my debt, and probably buy a house in a few years if I sold my soul and took this offer from Amazon. I applied on a whim, I didn’t expect to get it. I hate Bezos as much as anyone. Would I be a bad person if I worked for such a company? I’d be doing software development. The sign-on bonus is half my current annual salary.
It’s fine. Take the fucking money and live your life. You’re a software developer. Go develop software.

Is it ok to end a friendship because your friend won’t vote for Biden?
Maybe. Are they voting for Trump or just not voting? Are they a real friend or just someone floating around in your sphere? Be an adult about this stuff. November is coming. One way or the other, our lives and our relationships will go on after this election.

Still support the rioting and looting or nah? Dumbass
With clear eyes and a full heart, you tedious little fascist. I support radical, progressive change. All you care about is order. My vision is bigger than yours, and the world I dream of is better.

Just curious– in case we fall into true fascism here, what’s your game plan? Sticking it out or leaving for a new country?
Of course I’m sticking it out. It won’t be better for me anywhere else. Besides, I am skilled at sabotage, I can keep a secret, and I know how to disappear a body. I’m ready for whatever comes.

Just got off my antidepressants and rediscovered my clit ❤️Just wanted to share the beauty of all of that.
I’m very happy for you! If you haven’t experienced it yet, I highly recommend getting one of the sonic/sucking vibrators, maybe the Lelo Sona or the Satisfyer Pro 3.

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On fun-sized advice

Covid19 is a scam. I’m going to be straight with you coke. With a platform like yours, it’s going to be embarrassing for you when more and more people find out the truth. It’s already leaking everywhere and they’re struggling to stop it getting out. I know you’re programmed as hell and part of the woke mentality, but it is time the wake the fuck up motherfucker. Please watch both these documentaries. One of them actually shows how they staged hospital scenes for the news and stuff. Its quite disturbing. Best to take the red pill though.
You are suffering from a delusional disorder. You need treatment. Please seek help. I am being completely serious about this. If you need assistance finding mental health care services, let me know, and I will do what I can to direct you to appropriate resources.

What would you do about a cross-border (US-Canada), 5-year long relationship that has been long distance for 6 months and looks like it will be indefinitely so? I’m going crazy.
What scale of indefinitely are we talking about? Indefinite for another six months or indefinite for another six years? Six months is nothing. You can tough it out, but if there’s no clear and realistic path towards being together again by 2022, it’s probably time to move on with your life.

I found my therapist’s Twitter and she retweeted Deepak Chopra. I have to stop seeing her, right?
Therapists are notoriously bad at front-facing social media. They can’t disclose much about themselves or say anything spicy, so it usually ends up being either bland academic jargon or insufferably cloying inspirational quotes. The benign version of Deepak Chopra falls into that latter category, so if it was just some fortune cookie bullshit, you may want to forgive her, but if she retweeted any of his woo-woo “quantum healing” pseudoscience nonsense, you should probably have a talk with her.

How do you believe this retarded woke shit when the rest of your advice is pretty good?
You seem to be confusing my intelligence and empathy for a political orientation. It’s an easy mistake to make with your head shoved so far up your own ass.

My boyfriend is liking half-naked women on Instagram (people from IRL, not the models). Cheated once before in the very beginning of our relationship. The sharing of hearts on social media makes me insecure. I’ve told him, he continues. What to do?
You can either become more secure or you can break up with him. Alternatively, you can become more secure AND you can break up with him. 

What age, in years, is too old for clubbing?
There is a club for every age, darling. If you can get in and enjoy yourself respectfully, then you are the right age for that club.

Wait, do you have a problem with Muslims?
No, I have a problem with Islam. 

Why do I find Meghan Markle so fascinating?
Because you’re basic.

How do you feel about the Chateau Marmont converting to a private members-only hotel?
Couldn’t care less. My version of Los Angeles has been dead for a decade. The city belongs to a new generation now, as it should. They can do with it whatever they please. It is no longer my concern.

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I found the city that vibrates at the frequency of my soul, but my partner doesn’t want to move there. What to do?
Make your choice and live with the consequences.

Even when I’m hurting, I never raise my voice or try to hurt my partner. Is this a standard I should expect from them too, or is everyone entitled to express their emotions?
People are entitled to experience their emotions. They are not entitled to express them, particularly when doing so is harmful. You should absolutely expect your partner to have the necessary emotion regulation skills to be able to effectively express their emotions without harming you. This is basic relationship health.

What do you think Thanksgiving is gonna look like this year?
Honestly, I can’t see beyond November 3rd.

I’m moving out to live with friends/flatmates in a month. My first proper moving out- dorms at university don’t count. Any tips?
Have house rules and a chore chart in place on day one. More important than the actual documents are that you all have a mutually agreed upon system for how responsibilities are shared and how conflicts are resolved.  

What’s the difference between self love and narcissism?
They have nothing in common. Narcissism isn’t thinking you’re a wonderful person. It’s thinking you’re the only person. Most narcissists are filled with self-loathing. Self love is a good thing, particularly when it’s balanced with love for others. 

Are you Esther Perel? And if not: what’s your opinion on her?
I am not Esther Perel. My opinion is that she is the real deal.

We’re a cis heterosexual (primarily) couple who have individually and collectively worked on our race, gender and caste politics. I currently work in the field of gender and sexual health advocacy. Why am I jealous of his past non binary lovers?
Yeah. Judging by your vocabulary, it sounds like all the work you’ve done has helped correct your shame-based thinking, which is great, but the problem is that your worldview is still governed by fear-based thinking. Jealousy is rooted in fear. Open-mindedness is not the antidote for fear. Open-heartedness is.

I am in the process of incorporating stoicism in my life. What other forms of living a better life can you suggest? I’m thankful for your recommendation of The Four Agreements. Also, missing your book recommendations. I hope you’re doing well. Thank you for everything!
Be careful with stoicism. It has a lot of good stuff to offer (pantheism, mindfulness, radical acceptance, etc.), but most people get it wrong, particularly those who wear it like a badge, and you will quickly find yourself in the company of assholes if you announce yourself as a stoic. I’m sure you’ve probably already got a dog-eared copy of Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, but if not, that’s the next book you need to read.

Hey, thanks for helping me navigate the world. I found your tumblr at 17 and now I’m 27 and this year was particularly rough (not just the usual way) and having your voice in my head allowed me to prioritize my integrity and let go of a lot of bullshit—I wish I could buy you a drink and tell you this story some time.
Keep up the good work. You got this.

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Sorry your comments section is overrun with fash trash. Yikes.
Yeah, it hurts my heart. I feel like it’s partly my fault for being gone so long. These dudes forget, I’m a libertine, not a libertarian. I’ve always been the type to hurl a Molotov cocktail through the Overton Window. 

I’m really sick of people telling me I’ll meet the right person when the time is right. Is that a bag of BS?
Of course it’s bullshit. There’s no such thing as “the” right person, and the time is only right if you put in the work to make it that way.

I am obsessed with my bf’s exes. I am aware that I am projecting my own insecurities, but I don’t manage to stop. What do I do.
You’re obsessed with your boyfriend’s exes because you know you’re going to be one. You need to accept that. It really will be okay. Besides, you’re not quite yet emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship. This is all just practice. It’s fine. Don’t hold on so tightly. Let go when it’s time, and pay close attention to how everyone behaves. This is how you learn.

Why are we unable to classify belief in god as insanity?
Because the APA isn’t as powerful as the Church.

A man who was really flirty and seemed interested just rejected me. Really arrogant of me, I know, but I’m not used to being rejected, how do I get over this inexplicably shitty feeling?
Quit making it about you.

We’ve moved in together. He is my forever love. I know this is our next step. Yet I’m heartbroken of moving out of my condo and been struggling with my emotions. This has him and others think I’m doubting moving in together.
What you’re experiencing is normal, and it is perfectly okay. Take all the time you need to grieve the loss of your condo life. While you’re at it, grieve the loss of your entire pre-pandemic existence. Remind yourself, your boyfriend, and the others (not that it’s any of their fucking business) that your grief isn’t about him. It’s about you adjusting to it all, and you will eventually be fine.

Do you think 9/11 was an inside job?
Still no. Why do you keep asking this year after year?

If you were 23 right now which city would you move to?
Am I 23 and broke with no degree, or am I 23 fresh out of college with parental support? Those are two very different cities. Either way, I would move to a city that calls me, one that vibrates at the frequency of my soul. 

What do you think is bad advice that gets repeated?
“Money can’t buy happiness.” (Yes it fucking can.) “Everything happens for a reason.” (No it fucking doesn’t.) “You can create your own luck.” (That’s not even a thing.) “Just be yourself.” (Not if you’re an asshole.) And finally, my least favorite thought-terminating cliché that passes for advice these days: “It is what it is.” (No, you have not suddenly achieved a Zen-like state of acceptance. You’re just lazy and dumb and can’t think of anything appropriate to say.)

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On fun-sized advice

Ugh. Are you exhausted by having to constantly explain how gender works to people?
It’s mainly one idiot, but hey, I’m here for my readers.

You make the mistake of believing that people are a blank slate and that society imposes traits and values onto people.
It’s not a mistake. People are mostly a blank slate, and society absolutely imposes traits and values onto them. 

How do you deal with incompetence and/or unprofessional bullshit at work?
I don’t tolerate incompetence or unprofessionalism at work, though I recognize that I’m quite privileged in that I don’t have to.

Condemning the burning and looting of buildings and businesses (many owned by minorities and innocent people) is “fascist”…. damn Coke, when did you become so ideologically possessed? Are you really that angry at the world that you can’t see how insane you sound?
You’re the one going on and on about the buildings. Dude, fuck the buildings. I care about people, not property. I care about justice, not law and order. If you didn’t know that about me after ten fucking years, then you haven’t been paying attention, and yes, if you’re looking around at what’s happening in America right now and all you can think to bitch about is looting, then you are a fucking fascist. Deal with it.

PhD student here. Wrote a paper. Terrified of hitting send on a journal. I don’t really need advice, just wanted to borrow your confidence for a moment. I can do this. I’ve worked hard. I’ve double-checked my numbers. I have a solid argument to make. I got it. Thanks.
You do, in fact, got it. Also, hitting send gets easier. Also, congratulations!

What is the answer to the failing political institutions in the US? Please don’t respond: voting and electing new reps.
The answer is political engagement, and yes, that means voting. It also means relentless activism and participation in the process.

I’m curious to hear your thoughts on Biden’s potential VP picks. Who do you think is best for the job at this point? And who do you think he’ll actually choose?
In terms of best, I think it’s a coin toss between Kamala Harris and Susan Rice. I’d be ecstatic for either one.

Why not Warren for VP? She was the best candidate, and I feel like Biden’s VP is going to be POTUS.
2020 was Warren’s shot, and she lost. She’s too old to be a viable two-term candidate in 2028. That said, I’d be overjoyed to see her as AG or Treasury Secretary in a Biden administration.

If you could learn anything right now, what would you choose?
French, Arabic, and Italian.

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On fun-sized advice

Why do I spend a considerable amount of time daydreaming about being rich, winning the lottery? I know money is one element out of many to a fulfilled life, yet I put so much emphasis on wanting and HOPING to be rich. Why do I do this to myself?
In a capitalist society, money is freedom. You are merely daydreaming of being free. That’s fine. Escapist fantasy feels good sometimes, but don’t let it get in the way of things. You will never win the lottery.

If gender dysphoria is not a prerequisite to being transgender, then it’s a ‘choice’, right?
No. Gender dysphoria is a clumsy set of descriptive criteria. You are attempting to make the criteria prescriptive with your little equation, and it doesn’t work. Also, let’s be clear, the dysphoria itself is caused by social systems and culture, not by the person’s gender. If society wasn’t so quick to assign one of two prescriptive genders to every child (“girl” or “boy”), then non-cis people wouldn’t necessarily experience gender dysphoria.

Where do you get news nowadays? I really don’t even know what to consider my single source of truth, and this has never been more of a need.
The question of “where” no longer matters. We all get our news from social media nowadays. The more important question is “how,” and for me, the answer is by filtering the noise and triangulating stories from various trusted sources. I generally use Twitter as my platform for breaking news. I can get a sense of who’s pushing what story and why as well as who benefits from the various framings and spin. It’s not about finding sources you trust. It’s about developing a process you trust.

In the interest of learning how we’ve all morphed & grown: thoughts on Sam Harris lately? You know what trouble he gets into.
I’m done with Sam. His mindset is stuck in 2009, which sucks, because if he had kept his thinking fresh, I feel like he might still have a lot to contribute. 

What does indiscriminately destroying property and beating people up in the street accomplish aside from allowing a bunch of angry overgrown babies to live out their anarchist fantasies?
I don’t accept the premise of your question. Feel free to reframe your fascist worldview and then resubmit your question when you’re no longer a gaping asshole.

You’re the type that thinks drag queen story hour for kids is great huh?
It’s fabulous. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I miss my parents so much. I’m an immigrant. I miss speaking a different language. I miss eating with my hands. I miss the delicate and complex flavors of their food. I miss my dog.
I’m so very sorry. 

How would you battle minor depression?
I don’t battle minor depression. I dance with it.

How old were you when you first started this blog and what have you learnt from it?
I was eleven years younger when I first started this blog, and I have learned more from it than I could have ever possibly imagined.

I’m on my fucking period. Glad to see you’re writing again. 🖕👩

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On fun-sized advice

What is a woman?
A social construction of gender.

Should I fuck the hot, dumb, age-appropriate UPS guy?
Sure, but use good judgement. He knows where you live, and he decides when all your Amazon packages arrive.

I’ve made so many bad stock investments over the years. Do you invest, and would you make any recommendations based on what you’ve learned?
I don’t invest in stocks. I swing trade in stocks using a very disciplined system with money that I can afford to lose. If you’re looking to invest, just drop your shit into a mutual fund like everybody else.

I’m almost thirty and I’m the prettiest I’ve ever been and feel more comfortable with my body than I ever imagined I could, but I haven’t worn a bathing suit since I hit puberty and the idea of wearing one makes me cry.
That’s fine. Have a good cry. Feel your feels and process all that shit still leftover from adolescence. It’s not about the new bathing suit.

I know Hillary would have dealt with this pandemic much better but how do you think she would have handled the Florida’s, OC’s (CA), and other white idiots refusing to cooperate?
She would have ignored them, because they wouldn’t have mattered. That’s the whole point.

I was reading some utterly bollockry about the misery of women in long-term non-married relationships and immediately came back to your site. I’m so glad you’re back, Cokey. P.S. As you’re one of my culture war bullshit filters, may I politely ask you what your view of cancel culture is?
There is no such thing as cancel culture. There are merely a few mild and long overdue consequences for assholes who refuse to acknowledge the recent power shifts in American culture.

What do you mean by “let go of your bullshit?” I started following you in my mid-20s and am now in my mid-30s, and I suspect that’s true of many of your longtime readers.
You created an identity in your early twenties that you’ve since used to make a series of major life decisions. That identity is foundational to where you are in life, but it isn’t who you are. You’ve grown and changed in the intervening years, but you’re also still sitting on a pile of beliefs that aren’t really yours. At best, they served you a decade ago. At worst, you have to convince yourself they served you in order to justify your present circumstances. Either way, let go of that bullshit.

You once wrote something (back in the coketalk days) along the lines of being tiny specks of meat on a rock, and it resonated with me greatly. It’s been part of my digital identity across all types of accounts for the better part of the decade, and I feel like it is time that it matured into my next tattoo. Problem is I forgot the actual full quote – any chance you have it safely stored in your cortex and can recall it accurately

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On fun-sized advice

What do I say to a friend who claims she wants to have children because there are no other major milestones for women to reach in adulthood and doesn’t know what else she’s supposed to do with her life?
Tell her that boredom and lack of imagination are not the appropriate prerequisites to motherhood. Tell her that the burden of childrearing is not the same thing as having purpose in life. Tell her that the planet is full, and unless she has a burning desire to devote every last dollar and every waking moment of the next two decades to being the very best parent she knows how to be, then she should shut the fuck up and go find a hobby.

Can you give me a rundown similar to “On Changing Your Hair” about getting a nose job at 37? I mean, it’s not crucial, but it could get me from charming-at-best to pretty, and I could use a boost in both career and self-confidence. I’m in Europe, single and financially secure.
Go for it. Hell, if you’re gonna freshen up your nose, might as well do the rest of your head. Not a full facelift (save that mess for your 50s), but maybe add eyes, brow, and chin to the order. You know, get some lasers involved. You’re already gonna have to recuperate with bandages, so fuck it, make that shit count.

One of my friends shared a meme about Wayfair selling children on their website by hiding them in expensive cabinets. I read all the “evidence”, and my conclusion is that we might have to stop being friends. I know he shares/posts shit without looking into it, but this is too stupid.
This is an ideal moment to delete superfluous idiots from your life.

Best alternative to curb the impulse to check an ex’s social media?
Surf the dating apps.

What do you do when a friendship ends for no apparent reason?
Grieve the loss, learn from the experience, and move on.

You strike me as someone who thought CHAZ would be a good idea. Lol.
You strike me as a small, shallow person.

Ok so you obvi censor and or pick our certain questions. Damn. Didn’t think you’d be that raging bitch.
I don’t censor questions. I cut and paste them exactly as they’re written, including all your typos and shitty grammar. Also, ignoring you isn’t censorship. You aren’t entitled to my time and attention.

How do you decide if you want to continue answering questions here?
I don’t know how I decide, but I can tell you it’s a mood-based decision.

I’m so glad you posted again. I almost cried.
Love you, boo.

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On fun-sized advice

First of all. Thank you for being back.
Glad to be back. (That said, don’t get your hopes up.)

You changed the font?
Nah, just updated WordPress after a year.

What is your hot take on the civil unrest in Portland, Seattle, NYC, etc?
I miss it already.

An ex I haven’t seen or spoken to in a year came out of the woodwork to tell me he got laid off, broke up with his girlfriend, and lost ten pounds. What does he want?
He wants to fuck.

I’ve never had an orgasm with any guy I’ve ever slept with and I’m almost 30. I’ve only been able to get off with someone using a vibrator on me. What am I doing wrong?
Nothing. Nothing at all. Consider using a vibrator more often during sex.

Is being a Jordan Peterson fan a good enough reason to dump him?
Of course it is.

give me one word to describe your mood today

My bisexual atheist Asian ex boyfriend apparently became a Trump supporter. Somehow I’m taking this personally.
Perhaps you should downgrade him from ex-boyfriend status altogether. You know, consider the relationship annulled, and strike him from the list.

Do I spend all my savings on a body lift surgery? I’ve got 2 years left of my twenties. I may be thin, but I’ll never get this youth back.
No. Save your money. It’s going to be a rocky few years, and you’ll need the cash.

My Republican mother said my sister is a hero for getting COVID and protecting her with “herd immunity”. She was being an asshole and partying around SoCal. Disown the lot?
Well, look at the bright side. You won’t have to disown them if they’re dead.