Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Would you suck Trump’s mushroom cock to completion if it meant he dropped dead immediately after?
Only after January 3rd, only on camera, and only if Mike Pence held a gun to my head and jerked off while I did it.

Should I be concerned that I’m drinking to get through the day?
Yeah.

You probably couldn’t give two shits but I’m interested in your take on Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson’s relationship. I’m a pragmatist at heart but I couldn’t help hoping that wild infatuation would last- that there could be a relationship where you get matching tattoos in the first month and never ultimately regret them.
Please. Ariana is going through her dirtbag phase. She likes her dirtbags harmless and sweet, but they’re still crusty-ass boys. That’s fine. It’s age appropriate, and I doubt she’ll regret any tattoos for sentimental reasons. For the record, wild infatuation never lasts. Never. Either it dies or you do. No exceptions. That’s not to say wild infatuation can’t mellow out into something better. It can, but the tidal forces of celebrity don’t really allow for that.

Would you stay in a relationship with someone emotionally abusive to inherit one million dollars?
As in all things, it depends. Personally, I’d put up with a lot of shit for a million dollars, but of course, there are limits. I’d need some context to give you a more specific answer.

He tried to kill me and I don’t have enough proof to prosecute. What now?
Again, y’all need to provide me with more context for any kind of detailed answer. Generically though, I’d suggest you get an order of protection, make public as much information as safely possible so that everyone knows what he did, and then you should move on with your life.

The pullout method has worked for me my entire life, and if I had to, I’d rather take a million abortion pills than take birth control because… I’m really biochemically sensitive, to all meds, not just hormones. Yet everyone’s always trying to get me to get on the pill. It’s clear I trust my own judgment. So… Why is that?
First of all, the morning-after pill is *not* the abortion pill. Know the difference, and if you’re “biochemically sensitive” to hormonal meds, you’re in for a few days of excruciating pain if you end up needing to take either of the two. It’s fine to rely on the pullout method if you’re super diligent and not at all worried about STDs, but if I were you, I’d keep a couple boxes of Plan B in the medicine cabinet. You never know when your pullout partner is gonna get his timing wrong, and given the current political climate, you never know when our country might go full Handmaid’s Tale and pull all those pills off the shelf.

Today at lunch my lesbian friend said, “even though it’s not like that with us, I could never date you because you’re bisexual. Even if you were the hottest girl in the world, actually perfect, I wouldn’t because you’re not lesbian. So maybe that’s why you’re having a hard time finding a girlfriend.” Ha ok WHAT THE FUCK? Please guide me.
Yeah, your friend’s shitty opinion comes from a place of insecurity and prejudice. Unfortunately, it’s fairly common with women, gay or straight. (Lesbian women who don’t fuck with bisexual women, and straight women who don’t fuck with bisexual men.) I’ve dealt with this kind of biphobia, and it sucks. The fancy fuck concept underlying this type of behavior is known as the androcentric desire hypothesis, which posits that people generally perceive bisexuals (male or female) as being more sexually attracted to men than they are to women. It’s an unfair and inaccurate perception, but of course, life ain’t fair.

Is it wrong to fuck other people to get over someone. My ex believes it makes me ‘not a nice girl’ if I have sex with someone else within a month of my relationship ending. Even though he left me out of nowhere.
Rebound sex is only wrong when you’re not emotionally honest with your new partner. They deserve to know that you’re emotionally unavailable. As for your ex, he sounds like a controlling piece of shit, and you should learn how to tell him to shut the fuck up and back up off your dick.

Are you over Sam Harris yet?
Getting there. Haven’t been able to listen to his podcast for a while.

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On more fun-sized advice

What is God?
Deus Sive Natura

How is it possible that my dumbass is dating the most wonderfully kind, intelligent and simply gorgeous woman in the whole world?
You’re sweet. Don’t fuck it up.

If you, um, felt the need to look into acquiring a dual citizenship somewhere, what country would you choose?
Canada.

I know weight-loss surgery is a valid option. I know people can fix their lives with this. I know it would greatly improve my health. Why does it feel like cheating? Like I couldn’t do it with exercise and a balanced diet.
It’s not cheating. You’re still gonna do it with exercise and a balanced diet.

I’ve written to you countless times about real shit in my life. Stuff that you probably can’t even come close to relating to in your frivolous, smug, faux-party-girl existence of yours. And the only responses I’ve ever received from you have been needlessly vicious and petty attacks on my character. You’re honestly such a cunt.
Gee. I wonder why I attacked your character?

How do I tell someone or explain “You’re a wonderful friend but I don’t want your creative input or assistance, ever.” Under normal circumstances I don’t mind just listening and ignoring it but they constantly want to collaborate and I absolutely do not want to do that.
I think you’ve chosen a lovely set of words to use. By all means, use them. Set your boundaries with kindness and compassion, and remember that you are not responsible for this person’s feelings.

My cousin’s new husband is an idiot dirtbag racist (“all Muslims should be exterminated” levels). He’s also applying to the Secret Service and has asked me for my full name and SSN (I was born on a military base overseas and apparently he needs that info?). I A) DO NOT want to give it to him and B) DO NOT want this guy serving in the Secret Service (though he is dumb as shit; an assassination attempt on 45 might actually go through). Do I flat out refuse, possibly instigating a family war? Do I report his racism (documented online) to the Secret Service? Do I just comply and wait for his inevitable failure? I feel gross and uncomfortable and stressed already. Coke, what would you do?
Yeah, this is an easy one. Tell him to go fuck himself, and when the feds come to interview you for his background check, spill the tea and show receipts.

I wrote to you in 2012 panicking about climate change and you said “calm down, Chicken Little.” It’s strangely comforting to see that on Twitter now, you’re on the same page about the climate being fucked and the future being bleak. Your writing has helped me come to terms with the fact that I’m not having kids. I do dearly hope to get to be an old woman someday, though.
I think the not-so-distant future on this planet will be unimaginably horrible and then potentially really interesting. The climate will change. Our species will adapt. Humanity will survive, but there will be about five to seven billion fewer of us over the course of about a hundred years starting about a hundred years from now. I just hope we retain science and knowledge and don’t fall into another dark age. I prefer to live this current life of relative comfort and ease, but I still think it would be kinda cool to skip to the other side of the impending extinction event just to see how it all turns out.

I know weed did/does make you paranoid. Is that still a thing, or do you smoke more now?
I’ve gone the way of the THC vape pen. Clean, easy, and a consistently good high.

Do you consider what you do here “emotional labor”?
This is how I relax.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Apatheia, ataraxia, or nirvana?
Fuck nirvana. Marry ataraxia. Kill apatheia.

You have control over anyone’s mind for one hour…who and what do you do?
I can’t answer this question explicitly without risking a visit from either the Secret Service or the FBI, but let’s just say that if I had one hypothetical, magical hour of mind control, then by late January of 2019, Donald Trump would be charged with five counts of murder, President Nancy Pelosi would be nominating three new Supreme Court Justices, and Mitch McConnell wouldn’t be around to get in her way.

Coketalk, everytime I go to my (good) mate’s places I end up in bed cuddling them for a good while. I never let it cross the line into something sexual, but the cuddles are intimate. Is this wrong? Should I stop?
You’re absolutely adorable. Good for you for recognizing that the cuddles are intimate. There’s nothing wrong with physical intimacy between friends, but you need to pay close attention to the ebb and flow of platonic and romantic emotions — both yours and your friend’s — so as to prevent any misunderstandings or potential boundary violations.

Why can’t I stop thinking about how my boyfriend once fucked his roommate?
Because it speaks to his character, and you don’t like what it says.

He has a polyamorous approach to relationships. I don’t, and probably won’t ever be. Am I wrong to ask him not to be poly if he’s with me?
You’re not wrong to ask, but you’re wrong if you think the relationship will last longer than six months.

How do you dirty talk? I can’t take myself seriously and don’t know what to say.
I answered this many years ago, but it bears repeating: Dirty talk consists entirely of describing whatever it is you are doing in the moment. Just narrate the action, but you gotta own that shit. Curl your lip. Say it with brass. Don’t think. Growl.

Are all cops bastards?
No, but the number of cops who aren’t bastards is essentially a rounding error.

Have you ever passed by a stranger in your new city and thought, “I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you on tinder.” Or whatever dating app, multiple dating apps you use.
Sure. It happens all the time. Hell, it used to happen in LA. (Then again, I used to do a lot of ecstasy, and that always made people seem familiar to me.)

I am going back to school to get a master’s degree to become a therapist. Should I be alarmed that so many of the other students in my program (also aspiring therapists) believe in “crystals” and talk about their healing properties?
You must be in California. Don’t worry. Those people tend to get weeded out on their way to licensure and end up as yoga instructors or life coaches.

Coke, are you still a raging bitch? I remember you said you’ve moved the party upstairs. You sound more of a calming presence than anything, to be honest.
I’ve always been a calming presence.

You’re a child playing grown up.
Thank you!

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On more fun-sized advice

My ex is dating a model who is so thin, she is absolutely anorexic. It’s so apparent, it made me gasp. I’m slim thick and he loved my body to the point of idealizing it at times. What?
The easy answer to your question is that your ex idealizes whatever body type he’s currently fucking. The difficult answer to your question is that you should stop comparing your body to other women, especially women your ex is fucking, and even more especially models.

I got ghosted. I invited him to come over, he said sure. The night approached. He never texted. I didn’t either. It’s always what happens. I spot the ghosting coming so I don’t say anything and therefore only get half ghosted. Am I being smart?
You got what you wanted. That’s what you need to start admitting to yourself. This pattern serves a purpose for you. You get a tiny jolt of excitement from the initial connection, and you get just as much pleasure when the plans fall through. Your needs are getting met. If they weren’t, you’d behave differently. The question now is to discover why you’re satisfied with so little.

I think I’m working for an actual (corporate) psychopath. How do I navigate this situation if I want to stay with this company and advance my career?
Well, you’ve spotted the predator. That’s important. At the very least, it means you aren’t the weakest gazelle. Stay alert and don’t allow yourself to become prey. Be useful and unobtrusive. Do your job well, but do not seek praise. Avoid interaction to whatever degree possible. I don’t know what you do or how your company is structured, but you would be wise to get clear of this psychopath’s range of authority as soon as possible.

If I’m so supposedly liberal and accepting, why do I hate the idea of Burning Man? I’m not sure if “capitalism” is the right answer. What if the answer is “don’t touch me”?
You can be liberal and accepting and still have personal preferences. The point is to live and let live. The whole “let live” part of that is being cool with other people doing their thing even if you hate the idea. As for why you hate the idea of Burning Man, the reason is envy. You see those people as a bunch of insufferable assholes, but you also see that they have something special, and you want to have something special too. You just haven’t found your special thing yet. Once you do, you won’t hate the idea of Burning Man anymore. You’ll just think it’s silly.

Why have I been losing feelings for men after I sleep with them?
Those feelings you’ve been losing weren’t really for the men. They were for you. In other words, right now you’re only in it for the chase. For whatever reason, you’re not emotionally available beyond the initial phase of the courtship ritual. It’s up to you to figure out why.

Do you still like coke? I’d love it if we were cycle twins on being over coke. It’s how I’d want my imaginary friendship with you to progress.
I can’t remember the last time I blew a rail. It’s a social drug, after all, and the people who did cocaine in LA a decade ago were a lot more interesting than the people who do cocaine in my current city today. (I had to check myself with this answer. Was my LA crew really more interesting, or was I just a lot younger and less discerning? Honest assessment: both.)

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On fun-sized advice

After three years of working a thankless admin position, I was unfairly reprimanded at work. I’ve put up with so much fucking shit, but now I’m just demotivated. I’ve always wanted to quit, but they won’t even let me do that. How do I keep going?
Demand respect. Stop putting up with so much fucking shit. Start looking for other work. Convince your co-workers to unionize. Frame your boss for murder. Burn down the building. Lead an armed insurrection against your capitalist overlords. Go do something with your life.

He wants to be more than friends. I told him politely I wasn’t interested in more and he understood and accepted… But then a couple of days later he asked me if our 20-year age difference was a factor (I’m 40. He’s 60). It is, in part, but I can’t say that, can I?
Of course you can say that.

Does life require purpose and meaning to be fulfilling?
Fulfillment doesn’t really exist as an idea without some concept of purpose or meaning.

Why do I sleep with every single one of my friends?
Because you’re shit at maintaining boundaries.

Being around republicans is bad for your soul and I don’t recommend it.
Thanks for the tip.

Does life get better or worse as you age?
No.

I don’t know what an evergreen tweet is. My friends talk about it and I just nod. I’m exhausted. What’s happening to me?
Any type of media referred to as “evergreen” means that it continues to remain relevant and/or doesn’t lose meaning despite the passing of time. Also, you should probably start taking naps. Naps are awesome.

First proper, long-term relationship. I’ve started recognizing some toxic behaviours in myself (stemming from jealousy and insecurity, most often). I don’t want to be like that. Now what?
Go a level deeper than the jealousy and insecurity. Find out where those two emotions are rooted. Separate rational thinking from irrational thinking, and do the hard work it takes to start choosing healthier behaviors.

How can you tell the difference between inner peace and numbness?
Numbness is feeling nothing. Inner peace is being nothing.

What do you do when you get sad?
I eat like shit and forget to shower.

Sorry if this has been asked before, or if it comes off creepy. I’m genuinely just curious. Has anyone ever correctly guessed your identity before? And if so, have you told them they were right?
Yes. I had a colleague whose girlfriend straight up asked me if I was coketalk once while we were all out having dinner. Apparently, she had been reading my shit since her high-school tumblr days and knew enough about my life to call me out. I flatly denied it.

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On more fun-sized advice

How do I spin “the startup I’m working at has top-level executive and management problems that are causing it to implode” as I search for a new job in a different legal department?
Perhaps try “Opportunity for growth with my current employer has reached its potential, and I’m eager to devote my time and energy to a company with a clear vision and stable leadership.”

Is it true what they say, that creativity is like a muscle? If you work hard enough, anyone can develop it?
I suppose creativity is like a muscle, but don’t kid yourself. Some folks are just born with more than others, and no matter how hard you work, there are natural limits to what you’ll be able to develop. (Oh, and taking the right combination of drugs definitely helps, but for some reason our culture considers that cheating.)

If we’re supposed to be getting rid of Ego, is there any situation in which we should “have our pride”?
The egoless version of pride is dignity. Try having that instead.

ugh dating in the Bay Area is just as obnoxious as in LA, the ego is just a different flavor. But I met a good person who has his shit together and I like everything about him except one thing. One very. small. thing. Now what?
I’m much less concerned about your indictment of his penis size than I am about your lukewarm use of “good” and “like.” Is “great” and “love” a possibility with this guy? It just feels like you’re settling. Plus, the phrase “has his shit together” feels like a red flag. Not for him. For you. It’s code for the fact that you tend to date losers, which clues me into why you might be settling.

Any advice for watching your best friends destroy each other in a failing marriage that they both refuse to give up on? I’m keeping out of it (was stung earlier) but they’ve become impossible emotional sponges.
Yeah, you’re not keeping out of it. They won’t let you. You’re basically in an emotional threesome, and it’s time you learned how to set a proper fucking boundary. Tell them to go get a couples therapist. Find one for them if you have to, because you’re done being their third party. Don’t let either of them bring anymore mess into your house. Be firm. Be rude if necessary, but refuse to be a passenger on their sinking ship.

A close friend is about to get married. She hasn’t known him all that long, and is still in the honeymoon period of the relationship (she said so herself). They’ve never had a single fight. She can’t even name one annoying habit he has. She’s always been a very rational person, and now she seems to be under some bizarre love spell. I don’t trust him at all. I feel like this marriage is a mistake, but I know I can’t say anything to her without ruining our friendship. But I’m dreading the wedding and what will come after. How do I get through it?
It really depends on why you don’t trust him. How good are your instincts with shit like that? Is he dangerous? A little shady? A garden variety asshole? Or is it possible that your mistrust is a manifestation of jealousy over your fading friendship? Personally, I wouldn’t say shit unless you have hard evidence that he poses some kind of risk to her health or safety. Otherwise, this is her mistake to make. It happens all the time.

Superficial question: have you ever been at the Burning Man? You sound like the kind of person who has almost founded it. Just curious.
I can’t tell if this is an insult or a compliment. A good portion of my former LA crew were burners. I’ve helped build art cars and I’ve counseled countless costume choices, but I could never go myself because the week always landed during my busiest season. I suppose it’s a subculture I understand from a distance, which is kind of the way I prefer it.

Should I dry clean these jeans? They say I should, but they’re jeans.
Call your mother.

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On fun-sized advice

We’ve been dating three years, his parents paid for us to go on a $10000 cruise, we’ve talked about marriage, kids, and our future. He won’t take care of his mental or physical health (something we talk about regularly), and when he offered to co-sign my student loans, this pit of fear being chained to this man suddenly emerged. This fissure’s occurred and now I find him annoying, whinny, and recoil from his touch instinctively. What do I do?
Talk to him. Tell him he’s annoying and whiny. Tell him you’re losing interest. Tell him he has to get his mental and physical shit together by Halloween or you’ll be gone before Thanksgiving. It’s ultimatum time. Or maybe not. Maybe you’re already done and it’s just time to fucking end it. Whatever you do, tell him how you feel. Use your words. USE. YOUR. WORDS.

What do you think about Camille Paglia? Specifically, what do you think of a) her argument that America’s current obsession with transgenderism is a sign of cultural collapse; and b) her critique of current trends in feminism as “fainting couch” feminism? Surely, she is not one of the right wing lunatics that you’re critiquing – is she?
Yes, she is. Camille Paglia is absolutely without a doubt a gigantic right wing asshole. Are you not paying attention? That’s her entire schtick. Maybe you’re distracted by the fact that she’s an academic, but don’t let the tenured professorship fool you. She may have the vocabulary of a critical theorist, but her critiques of transgenderism and contemporary feminism are more the stuff of Alex Jones than Simone de Beauvoir.

I am envious of my best friend. She has everything I want: a good career, several friends, a cute butt, confidence, intelligence. It has gotten so bad that I actually get so happy when something unfortunate happens to her. What am I supposed to do about this?
Keep the small portion of envy that drives you towards positive change. Jettison the rest, because it is poison. Easier said than done, I know, but few people get intelligence, even fewer get a cute butt, and you don’t need either to be happy. Most importantly, quit using your friend as a measuring stick. Go do your own thing.

I’ve had penetrative vaginal sex with a few people, and it’s always been painful and horrible as fuck. No amount of lube helps me. Do I need to stick it out and hope sex gets better, or are there other people out there like me who want to have mind blowing awesome sex but their vaginas just won’t cooperate?
Yeah, it sounds like you’ve got vaginismus. Go to the doctor.

Met a hot guy. I flirted, he was (for me, anyway) unusually unresponsive. Said he had a girlfriend when I asked for his number. Gave me his number anyway. Why?
Um, why do you think?

Is it ever a good idea to forgive your dad for calling you a bitch?
Absolutely, but the forgiveness is for your sake, not his.

You only answer the easy questions people ask you about politics. Anything that requires further analysis or depth you shy away from.
Ha! Whatever, Ben Shapiro. The assumption that you’re somehow challenging me with deep political questions reeks of a smug sense of entitlement. I’m not here to debate you. If you want to argue politics, catch me in a mood over on Twitter. Otherwise, come at me in good faith (I can tell the difference) and frame your questions in such a manner that doesn’t presume to know my position ahead of time.

I wanna ask you for advice but I have a long story.
If you’re the long story type, I highly recommend including your email with your submission. I’m much more like to respond to you privately than I am to publish your memoir on my site.

You’re bisexual yeah? Will you marry me?
Yeah, maybe. Send pics.

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On fun-sized advice

It’s been about 12 years since I was last in love. Why hasn’t it happened again?
Is it possible that twelve years ago you were a person who didn’t understand what it meant to be in love? Is it possible that you’ve held on to an erroneous idea of love all this time, or worse yet, an idealized version that wasn’t even real? Every relationship is different. Every love is unique. Whatever happened back then will never happen again. It is gone forever. Let that shit go. Quit using it as the standard against which all other relationships are measured. Allow yourself to be open to something altogether new.

I’m doing my Masters, after it taking me two bachelors degrees to figure out what I wanted to do. I have a full scholarship and I’m passionate about what i’m studying. But 8 months in, i’m so so tired and so disheartened. I am working harder than I’ve ever worked at anything, but my grades are average. I feel like i’ve always done well while coasting, and now that i’m throwing my all into this, i’m ‘failing’ (by my own standards, anyway). I don’t know if I really have a question. But if you have any advice on how to avoid burnout it would be much appreciated.
Those aren’t really your standards. That’s why you’re burning out. Let them go, and allow your standards to adjust. You aren’t failing. You’re doing just fine. Let it be enough that you’re getting through the program. The prize isn’t a degree with honors. That’s just a trophy. The prize is a specialized career that you love in a rarified field of professionals to which you will one day belong. Keep your eye on the prize, not the trophy.

I feel like I could get into and go to medical school if I put my mind to it and if I really wanted to. Should I? I’m so conflicted over what career path to take.
I didn’t hear anything about wanting to be a doctor, and that’s something you gotta really want. Medical school is a series of hazing rituals that puts you into a quarter million dollars of debt. The mere ability to run that gauntlet isn’t reason enough to do it. You should have a burning desire to be a physician or a surgeon. Otherwise, you will be making yourself miserable for a career that isn’t nearly as lucrative or esteemed as you think it is.

I’m seriously interested in doing the whole sugar baby thing. How difficult will this be?
I don’t know you. There is a range of personality traits as well as physical and emotional attributes that might make sex work particularly easy or a living hell. Odds are, like most jobs, it’ll just barely be worth whatever money you can make, but in our economy, that’s more a reflection on the job itself rather than the person doing it.

how do i untie my self worth from my appearance?
Live in a different culture.

Do you have good posture?
Well, we all just sat up a little straighter, didn’t we?

My twenties have been really shitty. Will my thirties be any better?
They will be different. I can’t speak to better.

What do you think of the term “fainting couch feminism?”
It’s just another way for right wing assholes to call us snowflakes. It’s fine. Let them continue to mistake our compassion for weakness as they slowly asphyxiate on their own irrelevance.

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On fun-sized advice

It’s come to my attention that conservative voters are low information voters.
Stupid is as stupid does.

Baby Boomers need to die faster.
I don’t care if they live or die. I just want their wealth to be redistributed with extreme prejudice.

So you would vote for Cynthia Nixon?
Over Cuomo in the primary? Fuck yes. Over any Republican in the general? Double fuck yes.

How is someone as wise as you so willing to support the worst politicians?
You are such a fucking child. Please grow up or shut up, because the rest of us are here to win and we are are done babysitting spoiled brats like you.

Do you listen to Chapo Trap House?
I tried for a minute. I really tried, but I couldn’t get into it. I don’t find them particularly likable, insightful, or entertaining. (I’ll take the crew over at Crooked Media any day of the week.)

How do I get laid when I hate people?
I dunno. It’s never stopped me.

My boyfriend and I are planning to do molly together, it’s my first time, but not his. Any advice to make the most of the experience?
Stay hydrated. Make sure you don’t have anything planned the following day that requires any significant concentration. Any special feelings that either of you express towards one another while rolling should not be held against one another afterwards. Most importantly, enjoy yourself. Feel all the feels!

Is it wrong/weird/immature if I have absolutely zero interest in remaining friends with any of my exes? Regardless of how the relationships ended.
It’s fine. Don’t overthink it.

Is radical kindness a good idea or am I just setting myself up to be a doormat?
Radical kindness is a great idea. The only way to end up a doormat is to be unskilled at setting and maintaining proper boundaries.

I had all of your playlists on my old computer, which sadly died and has since been replaced. I noticed the old playlists are lost in the ether and was wondering if you have plans to bring them back to life. If not, I’ll plan a weekend of building them all out in Spotify over some whiskey. Thanks for putting together such great mixes!
The old playlists are not lost in the ether. They’re all right here. I’d love it if you built them all in Spotify for me. Thanks!

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Met a super hot older man a while back. He was passing through my city, we’ve stayed in touch since then. He’s married and has at least two lovers, one in his home city and one in my city (whom he was visiting). He writes me poetry and recently told me that he thinks he loves me. I’m being played, right?
Like a cheap violin. Unless the wife knows about you and the poetry, don’t entertain this douchebag. (And to be clear, he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even love the idea of you. He loves himself, and he merely enjoys the way you make him feel.)

If I’m not physically attracted to him, that means I need to break up with him. Right?
That’s not what it means, but that’s what you’ll end up doing.

I feel super unhealthy around my family and always leave thinking I am a fuck up, both physically and mentally. But gosh am I healthy.
You’ve got a family of origin (mom, dad, etc.) and a family of choice (friends, mentors, etc.), each with its own system that governs your roles, your values, and your patterns of behavior. You feel unhealthy around your family of origin because the system itself is unhealthy, and you are its symptom bearer. Once you’re back amongst your family of choice, you feel healthy again because that system is (relatively) healthy. I don’t know why you’ve taken on the role of “fuck up” with your family of origin, but it definitely serves some sort of purpose, not necessarily to your benefit.

Why does he want to reconnect on social media after 10 years of not being connected?
I don’t know. Maybe ask him? Use your words.

I’m on my way to getting a picture book published, and all I can think about is that I’m going to fail to meet my deadline, that it probably won’t sell anyway, and that I just used my connection with the publishing house instead of working hard like a real artist. I’m doing my best to blow up all these self-sabotaging thoughts, but if you have any additional advice I’d really appreciate it.
Shut-up and get it done. Pour every ounce of your soul into the art. Do not give one solitary fuck if it sells.

How long do you give it before the college industry bubble bursts?
It already burst, but not like you think. Academia is capitalism-adjacent and not subject to the same market forces as, say, the mortgage industry. Nevertheless, there was a massive cultural shift over this past decade in the perceived value of higher education. The shift is what matters. It was a cultural bubble that burst, not an economic bubble. Now, if you’re asking how long before tuition drops, that depends entirely on who wins the 2020 election.

Finally admitted to myself that I’m in an emotional affair. Now what?
Now admit to yourself why you need it. The affair itself is just a symptom of a much larger problem. What is that problem? Once you figure it out, maybe try and solve it with some integrity.

What do you think about Jesus H. Christ and his teachings?
Overrated.

Just letting you know I had the best sex of my life last night.
Why wasn’t I invited?

Do you actually speak Latin?
I read Latin. Don’t really have anyone to speak it to.

Are you still friends with that guy you were madly in love with that suddenly moved on with that woman he just automatically hit it off with?
Yep. That seems like a long time ago. We’re all good friends now. They’re getting married.

Standard