Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I don’t want to find enlightenment I just want to find happiness.
Okay, but they’re both in the same place.

My mom keeps texting me to call me a “whore.” What do I do?
Block her.

Would it be irreversibly creepy if I had a threesome with my sister and her husband?
Yes. Irreversible and creepy. You picked the two perfect words.

Immediately after my best friend passed away I fucked my boyfriend’s best friend. I can’t tell if or how the two are correlated.
Your grief crystalized in the form of shitty behavior. It’s a pretty specific thing to have done, so I’m guessing there’s an angry, fucked-up part of you that figured if you have to lose your best friend, then your boyfriend does as well. That’s probably how the two are correlated.

Do you have to put selling your panties and egg donations on your IRS shit?
If your donor clinic issued you a 1099 (and they probably did) then you should definitely report that income. If it’s only an occasional thing and you’re not using PayPal, then I wouldn’t worry so much about the panty money.

Why do people even bother with an exclusive monogamous relationship if they’re just going to spend the entire three years cheating without any remorse? What’s the appeal in that?
It was never an exclusive monogamous relationship. It was merely the primary relationship that provided some measure of security and the foundation from which your ex could experience the thrill of cheating. You can’t see the appeal in that because you’re not a sociopath. Consider that a good thing.

My father died from cancer about three and a half years ago. I’m getting married next summer, and I’m nervous that I’m going to fall apart on my wedding day because he won’t be there. Any ideas on how to make it suck a little less?
Include him in your plans. Talk with him about all of it, and make sure everyone else does too. You’ll fall apart a few times beforehand, but that’s okay. The only way you’ll fall apart on the actual day is if you continue to believe that he’s not deeply a part of it. He is, and he’ll be there, so save a place for him.

I’ve thought about it a lot, and I think the reason I’ve avoided going to a therapist isn’t self-loathing or contempt for therapy, but the knowledge that I’d make the therapist deeply uncomfortable. My life is awful and unfixable.
Oh, please. You’re not that interesting. Go ahead and try to make a therapist uncomfortable. I dare you.

My mind hasn’t been this clear for years. It’s very soothing, and yet there’s this little hum of something in the back of my head that just won’t go away.
Yes. I’ve mentioned this before, but that’s what I call cosmic background anxiety. It’s a low-level existential angst that’s always there, and you only feel it when all the other noise and static is gone.

Is suicide selfish?
Um, yeah. By definition.

Do I really need my soul?
If you believe you have one, then yeah.

Are you watching fucking Westworld!?
Holy shit, yes. It’s beyond amazing.

Are you happier now than 5 years ago?
Yes, much. Thanks for asking.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

BRANGELINA???
Shut up.

Existential crisis over Trump becoming president. Help. Anything. Answers… please? Even a “Trump will win” truth will help calm me down because at least I don’t have to strain on the mystery.
You need to work on getting comfortable with uncertainty. Never forget, the entire human experiment is conducted on a knife edge. Security is an illusion, and the thin veneer of civilization could dissolve at any moment.

If you still think about your ex every day, do you think it means you’re not over him? Or is it just curiosity on how someone’s doing that once meant so much to you?
Passing thoughts are fine, but if emotions of any significance are still attached to those thoughts, you’re not over him.

Are we doomed to repeat the roles of our parents in relationships?
Patterns, not roles. And yes, you are doomed to repeat them. That doesn’t mean you have to keep repeating them all your life. You can always unlearn the patterns, but some repetition is inevitable.

So the destruction of Libya is of no account? Hillary’s support for catastrophic wars – or military intervention – in Iraq, Afghanistan and Syria is of no consequence? Sorry, but Hillary Clinton is no better than her predecessors or Donald Trump. The US is ill-served by both main parties, by both candidates. How can you not see this? Or is it all about having a female President for you, no matter what her history or beliefs?
You are a fucking child.

Betty Shelby deserves those charges and I hope she is found guilty. But am I in the wrong to feel slightly annoyed that they were so quick to charge a white female cop but failed to do the same for all those other countless dumbfuck white male cops?
It’s okay for you to notice how eager the police are to disavow a female officer. Betty Shelby will go to prison for shooting Terence Crutcher, as well she fucking should, but your instincts are correct. She’ll end up being as much an example of institutional misogyny as she is of institutional racism.

Can you install a random advice button, please?
Um, look up at the menu. It’s literally been there the whole time.

What do you think of those of us who still think of you as Coke Talk? Sweet big sister nostalgia or irritating inability to grow up along with you?
Call me whatever you like. I don’t mind a bit.

My pre-order arrived. Only 8 pages in, and all I have to say is THANK YOU. I started reading the blog 4 years ago, and just like in the intro, I felt I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t the only nutjob questioning everything, and you told me just what I needed to hear. Thank you for existing, dear dear Coquette. Thank you for this book. Thank you.
This makes me so fucking happy I can’t even stand it.

I am so grateful to be alive at the same as you. It means everything.
It’s not me. It’s the internet.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

You’ve mentioned skipping boys and dating men before. What makes a man and not a boy?
Accountability.

Do all dudes cheat?
No.

I think for my birthday, as a gift to myself, I will give up on being loved. How do I put a ribbon on that?
No. Happy Birthday, but no. Do not give up on being loved. That is not a gift. Letting go is a gift. Acceptance is a gift. Giving up is not. There is a difference.

I can sleep with her again. As long as her husband gets to watch. It will make me nervous but I think I’m okay with this?
Yeah, I’ve been there. It can be a little weird if all he does is watch, so make sure it’s clear ahead of time if, how, and what the husband gets to touch. Also, make sure he knows the cardinal rule: this is about pleasure for you and his wife. His pleasure is a distant third. (I’m assuming you’re a woman, but if you’re a man and her husband is into the whole cuckolding thing, then I suppose the same rules apply.)

I am not fond of Amy Schumer. A lot of my friends love her but I just really don’t like her. What am I missing?
You’re not missing a thing. Her sketches were genuinely funny and culturally on point for a hot minute in 2014, but that kind of thing isn’t sustainable, and she’s still trying to cash in on the same basic joke about white girl mediocrity, which has grown both problematic and stale as fuck.

Would love to hear your thoughts on Tony Robbins. Was surprisingly moved by the documentary, but something didn’t quite sit right with me. Maybe it was just his outdated views on masculinity?
Yeah, it was a great documentary. What bothered you was all the brainwashing. Tony Robbins is basically a charismatic cult leader who uses pop psychology to achieve prosocial results rather than religion to achieve antisocial results. He’s using his powers for good instead of evil, but it’s still kinda creepy.

If I had a breakdown at 17, does that mean I’m exempt from a mid life crisis? Or have I got that to look forward to too?
A breakdown isn’t the same as an existential crisis, and having one doesn’t exempt you from the other.

Can you please tell me that everything will be okay?
Nope. Everything is okay. Right now. That’s all that exists. There is no will be.

We’ve been together 2 years and he still seems “too good to be true”, should I “listen to my gut” or is this just love? My brain is so fucky I side-eye anything remotely positive these days.
That’s not your gut talking. It’s your anxiety. Chill the fuck out and enjoy your boyfriend.

I’m dating a jerk. I know he’s a jerk, but I’m lonely and don’t know many people in this city. At least, that’s how I justify it. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you. You’re lonely, so you’re dating a jerk. It happens. I suggest you dump his ass and put some energy into meeting new people. Go ahead. Do it. You’ll be much happier.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On even more fun-sized advice

How does a girl know if she’s the version of the Nice Guy Syndrome? Didn’t even realize that was a thing. Mind = blown.
Combine a sense of entitlement with unrequited romantic feelings and, regardless of anyone’s gender, you’re gonna wind up with some version of Nice Guy Syndrome.

Is it inappropriate to give a copy of your book to my therapist?
Nah, it’s a huge compliment. For both of us.

Why do I sometimes feel like I have a stronger emotional relationship with men who are not my boyfriend? Just grass is greener? I always tell myself off for this bullshit btw
You feel that way because you do have a stronger emotional relationship with men who are not your boyfriend. It’s not about the grass being greener. It’s about you protecting yourself. Holding back some of your emotionally availability is a defense mechanism that prevents you from being too vulnerable in your romantic relationships.

Why is so difficult for people to believe Amber Heard was abused?
Because she’s one of those actresses that radiates a sort of Machiavellian cool. She seems calculating, and that’s all it takes for people who don’t know any better to dismiss her accusations as some sort of opportunistic contrivance. (I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying that’s the way it is.)

Sitting at a bar waiting on a tinder date who’s gonna be at least 30 min late… WWCQD?
I’d order a drink and enjoy myself.

I broke up with my boyfriend and moved out over a month ago, and I’m still crying every day. When does the pain stop?
November 9th, 2016.

My therapist thinks I have a drinking problem, partially because I am open about my weekend indiscretions, and partially because ADHD can look like alcoholism. How do I clear this up?
Hey, fucknuts. You do have a drinking problem. The alcohol is interfering with your life. You’re just so used to it that you don’t even recognize the ways in which you’re suffering from consequences. Stop rationalizing and try spending your weekends relatively sober. See what happens.

Have you dated a man/woman from every race?
I can’t accept the premise of this question. The word “every” is throwing me off, as if there exists somewhere a definitive catalog of the races. That’s creepy and a little bit wrong-headed. I’ve dated a lot of different people from a lot of different ethnicities, nationalities, and yes, even different races, but I feel like your question presumes a world view that I don’t really share.

Do you think you’ve achieved your 10,000 hours?
No, not yet. It’ll take a few more years.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

Is it possible for a straight female to suffer from nice guy syndrome?
Absolutely.

What should a tired, unhealthy, passionless failure do next?
You’re not a failure yet, so get healthy and then use your newfound energy to find a passion.

How do people fall out of love? Were they never really in love?
There are lots of ways to fall out of love, and for what it’s worth, you can’t fall out of love if you were never really in love.

I’m about to start an enterprise that’ll take, on paper, six years of continuous felony.
Well, if you’re not gonna hurt anybody, then I wish you six years of continuous luck.

How do I know I’ve crossed the line from “I’m just an anxious person and I’m working on it” to “my anxiety is out of control and maybe I should try a medication?”
This is the exact question you should ask your therapist and/or doctor, but generally, unless you’re dealing with acute panic symptoms, I wouldn’t recommend jumping to medication until after you’ve put a few months worth of genuine effort into some good ol’ fashioned cognitive behavioral therapy.

Have you changed your opinion on Sam Harris?
Hell no. I love Sam. Fight me.

Are you excited that Winona’s making a comeback?
Winona never left.

Have you ever met any of the Real Housewives?
I almost killed Lisa Vanderpump’s dog once.

Are you on Tinder?
Yes. (I prefer Bumble, though.)

Do you dream or is it just blank at night?
I dream. Vividly.

How many stamps are in your passport?
Which one?

Do you ask for a bite of people’s food when you’re out to dinner with them?
I don’t have to ask.

Do you run this show (blog) by yourself?
I occasionally ask for help from a close friend or two, but it’s largely a solo effort. (Story of my life.)

Why do i keep reloading your page like there’s going to be something new there?
Because of moments like this.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I’m twenty six. Shit’s not for me anymore is it? Music, movies, commercials, etc. It’s actually all for sixteen year olds, isn’t it? Why?
Because you haven’t changed the channel yet. (Hate to break it to you, but it’s time to start paying for premium channels and going to see live music at smaller venues. Welcome to adulthood.)

Do I get a PhD at a top five institution and pursue academia? Or should I sell my soul to Google/Apple/Amazon?
I promise, you are selling your soul either way. Might as well get a good price for it.

The fact that you’ve written off Samantha Bee’s new show is a travesty. She’s holding down the best post-Daily Show political satire of them all. Blowing John Oliver out of the water.
Please. John Oliver’s show dominates Samantha Bee’s show in every conceivable way. However, I will grant you, I was too quick to write off Full Frontal. Her writers do damn good work and occasionally her segments are brilliant.

My boyfriend of 4 years has had it with my escorting. Vanilla jobs and their paychecks depress me. What’s a (call) girl to do?
You can’t escort forever, and you don’t strike me as particularly young. Accept the inevitability of a second career, and start planning for it now. Go get whatever advanced degree that might be required, and continue escorting if necessary, but demonstrate to your boyfriend that you’ve got a path that will eventually lead to you doing something else. That’s a respectable compromise that has the added benefit of you facing reality.

Am I missing out because I’m too shy to get eaten out?
Yes.

Have you ever dated any of your ex’s for a second time? Or do you believe that once it’s done, it’s done?
Yes.

Am I bisexual, or am I just slightly attracted to women because women in their 20s put way more effort into their appearance than men?
Yes.

should i buy my conservative religious mom a copy of your book or will it offend her?
Yes.

Is it inherently shitty to screw your ex’s friends?
Nah. It’s inherently shitty for your ex’s friends to screw you.

How can I tell my boyfriend that I want him to wear a condom even though I’m on the pill?
Use your words.

Please tell me you haven’t started to believe your own hype.
Ew, gross.

You have improved every part of my life.
Right back ‘atcha.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I get it, it’s important, but can we get a break from politics? Thoughts on Guccis’ new album?
I haven’t listened to his new album, but no doubt Gucci (and his clone) will be voting for Hillary.

What’s the difference between empathy and sympathy?
Sympathy separates you from its subject. Empathy joins you with its subject.

How do we escape the male gaze?
Aggressive eye contact.

if you get pregnant from sleeping with a guy before you met your current boyfriend, is your boyfriend required to support you still, or is breaking up with you not out of the question?
At most, your relationship is only a few months old. Probably less. That early on, he is not required to support you through anything, much less another man’s pregnancy, and quite frankly, I’d be shocked if he didn’t break up with you.

i find myself craving a drink every evening lately. is this alcoholism or just adulthood?
Depends. What purpose does the drink serve?

Your commentary on US politics is full of shit and never backed by any actual justification like your claim on male ego and libertarianism.
That bruised ego you’ve got there is all the justification I need. *casually sips male tears*

Nixon was impeached for lying about a burglary. Hillary has rigged an election and will likely be President. It is hard to think of a more significant example of how corrupt the US government has become – but yet you seem to be fine looking the other way regarding these election shenanigans. Why?
I wouldn’t look the other way at election rigging. The problem is that your confirmation bias is so tweaked and you have such a superficial understanding of the electoral process that you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Is it just me, or is your readership growing weirder by the day?
It’s cyclical. The weirdos peak during election years.

Why are the only men I’m attracted to complete dicks full of white male entitlement? Is it a character flaw, or maybe just what I’m comfortable with?
It’s a character flaw.

What do you think of surgical castration as a punishment for rapists/pedophiles? Too biblical or just biblical enough?
As a method of involuntary punishment, I’d say surgical castration is about as cruel and unusual as it gets. However, as method of voluntary treatment, it might serve a legitimate purpose, but I’d have to see more research on its efficacy.

You’ve answered three of my questions in the past few years. I wonder how rare that is?
Impossible to know, but now it’s four.

What’s your score on the Hare checklist?
12/40 (Dude. I’m nowhere near being a psychopath.)

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

In a moment of drunken inspiration, I told him and he doesn’t feel the same way. Now what?
What do you mean, “Now what?” Now go have a snack. It’s no big deal. Just don’t act weird, and everything will be fine.

I just found out that someone is using my photos on Tinder and catfishing dudes with them. My social media pages are all locked down, they must have just screenshotted them from my own Tinder page. Is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening again?
Nope. Not a goddamn thing.

Is it ok to give up on finding love? I’m exhausted and the constant disappointment (whether I’m the dumpee or the dumper) is wearing me down.
There’s no need to give up when all you need to do is take a break.

Is 16 too young to give my daughter the books you recommended on religion/philosophy?
Hell no. If she has questions, help her answer them.

In the recent “On Third Party Voters” post, you seem rather angry, and I completely agree/understand why, but, a bit tangentially here… What does “male ego” have anything to do with it? What does that even mean? -A sincere question from a longtime fan.
Libertarianism would not exist without the male ego. Libertarianism is built on, around, and for the male ego. Libertarianism is the male ego distilled into political ideology. If you don’t understand what the male ego has to do with Libertarianism, then you don’t understand either Libertarianism or the male ego.

How can people be so blinded by Trump? Why don’t they see that he is a monster?
When a monster validates your bigoted morality and justifies your patriarchal worldview, you see what you want to see.

Hillary Clinton doesn’t care about brown & black people though, especially brown & black women. How can you justify that?
By not accepting the ridiculous premise of your stupid fucking question. That’s how.

Why isn’t the media hounding Trump for his taxes?
They are. Every damn day. He doesn’t give a fuck.

I know you come from a family of Republicans…what are their thoughts on the election/Trump?
They’re mortified at what the Republican party has become, they loathe Donald Trump, and they would never vote for him.

White male angst is going to kill us all.
Yeah, what’s new?

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Are you playing Pokémon Go?
Fuck no.

Please answer a load of fun-sized questions about pokemon go.
Fuck no.

I’m sure you’ve recieved a million of these but please weigh in on the Swift-Kimye feud.
I did when I tweeted, Y’all can’t tell the difference between a snatch and a snitch.  (If you don’t get it, read this comment.)

New resolution: every time my dad gives me advice, I’m going to do the exact opposite.
Okay. (It worked for George Costanza.)

Do you think I am losing my independence by taking my future husband’s last name? I’ve always believed that feminism means both men and women should be able to do what they want without gender norms stopping them. So I want his name, but I get nervous it’ll set a bad example if we were to ever have a daughter.
If you want to take his name, take his name. If you don’t, don’t. Quit overthinking it. Your independence is demonstrated by exercising your choice. That’s the lesson you’ll teach your daughter.

my boyfriend follows hot girls he doesn’t know on Instagram. It doesn’t bother me, but it does bother me that he gets upset when I mention that a dude is hot. How is what he’s doing any different?
It’s not any different, except that what he’s doing is low-key creepy, and what you’re doing is perfectly normal. Also, welcome to the world of gender based double-standards. Get cozy.

This Convention is like dropping acid at a country club while someone plays Queen on a rented jukebox and someone spun the clock backwards. When will it end? It’s like a Fellini film glued to the back of my eyelids. It’s a screaming psychotic episode! Help!
Fellini? Nah. Too optimistic. Everything about 2016 has been directed by David Cronenberg.

In terms of percentages, how much should I laugh at the RNC situation versus cowering in fear?
100% laughter. No cowering. Fear is what those assholes are selling. Don’t buy it.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why is sex with older men so hot?
Because the shift in power dynamics amplifies the experience.

How do you approach a work crush?
From behind with a net.

Should I shave my head?
If you feel that’s what you need to move on, then sure. Go ahead. Just be self-aware enough to know why you’re doing it.

Am I allowed to check up on a dude I dumped yesterday after we had dated for a month. He was really torn by the situation and I got worried (tears and all). Is a “how are you text?” wrong to send? I am concerned.
Unless your concern is one of safety that rises to a level that would necessitate calling 911, leave him the fuck alone. You dumped him. Have the strength of character to let him stay dumped. It’s not fair for you to give him glimmers of false hope just to make yourself feel better.

After a long night of sex and snorting cocaine off his massive dick, he looked at me squarely and said, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” I’ve heard some coke talk in my time, but this line was a killer. Is this blow talk or real talk?
If there was visible sunlight in the room at the time he said it, it was probably real talk. If the shades were drawn or it was still dark outside, it was probably coke talk.

What font are you? What font am I?
At the moment, I’m feeling a little Baskerville Roman, which means you’re Baskerville Bold Italics.

i’ve always imagined you to look like michelle pfeiffer circa scarface/batman returns. like, that’s the image i have of you in my head. if ever a coquette biopic happens, she should play you.
Are you unfamiliar with the human aging process? Michelle Pfeiffer is gorgeous, but she is older than my mother.

Sorry the sell-out comments are getting under your skin. People will buy your book. You are fun to read. The promotion is getting annoying though.
I don’t care. I’m super excited about my book, and no one’s cynicism is gonna get in the way of my fun. I’ll promote it all I want, and you can just soak in it until your fingers get all pruney.

Would you be mad if I waited until the paperback comes out? :/
I won’t be mad, but just so you know, you won’t be able to buy the paperback as cheaply as you can pre-order the hardcover today.

I wish you would blog about your life more.
Okay. That dude from my pros and cons list is in LA on business. The other day he got into an UberPool with one of my very best girlfriends from back in the day. He was like “I’m from such-and-such city” and she was like “Oh, do you know so-and-so” and he was like “Holy shit, yes, we’re fucking” and they ended up talking about me for the whole ride. They both texted me as soon as they got dropped off, and this world is too fucking small for words.

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