Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I’m twenty six. Shit’s not for me anymore is it? Music, movies, commercials, etc. It’s actually all for sixteen year olds, isn’t it? Why?
Because you haven’t changed the channel yet. (Hate to break it to you, but it’s time to start paying for premium channels and going to see live music at smaller venues. Welcome to adulthood.)

Do I get a PhD at a top five institution and pursue academia? Or should I sell my soul to Google/Apple/Amazon?
I promise, you are selling your soul either way. Might as well get a good price for it.

The fact that you’ve written off Samantha Bee’s new show is a travesty. She’s holding down the best post-Daily Show political satire of them all. Blowing John Oliver out of the water.
Please. John Oliver’s show dominates Samantha Bee’s show in every conceivable way. However, I will grant you, I was too quick to write off Full Frontal. Her writers do damn good work and occasionally her segments are brilliant.

My boyfriend of 4 years has had it with my escorting. Vanilla jobs and their paychecks depress me. What’s a (call) girl to do?
You can’t escort forever, and you don’t strike me as particularly young. Accept the inevitability of a second career, and start planning for it now. Go get whatever advanced degree that might be required, and continue escorting if necessary, but demonstrate to your boyfriend that you’ve got a path that will eventually lead to you doing something else. That’s a respectable compromise that has the added benefit of you facing reality.

Am I missing out because I’m too shy to get eaten out?
Yes.

Have you ever dated any of your ex’s for a second time? Or do you believe that once it’s done, it’s done?
Yes.

Am I bisexual, or am I just slightly attracted to women because women in their 20s put way more effort into their appearance than men?
Yes.

should i buy my conservative religious mom a copy of your book or will it offend her?
Yes.

Is it inherently shitty to screw your ex’s friends?
Nah. It’s inherently shitty for your ex’s friends to screw you.

How can I tell my boyfriend that I want him to wear a condom even though I’m on the pill?
Use your words.

Please tell me you haven’t started to believe your own hype.
Ew, gross.

You have improved every part of my life.
Right back ‘atcha.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I get it, it’s important, but can we get a break from politics? Thoughts on Guccis’ new album?
I haven’t listened to his new album, but no doubt Gucci (and his clone) will be voting for Hillary.

What’s the difference between empathy and sympathy?
Sympathy separates you from its subject. Empathy joins you with its subject.

How do we escape the male gaze?
Aggressive eye contact.

if you get pregnant from sleeping with a guy before you met your current boyfriend, is your boyfriend required to support you still, or is breaking up with you not out of the question?
At most, your relationship is only a few months old. Probably less. That early on, he is not required to support you through anything, much less another man’s pregnancy, and quite frankly, I’d be shocked if he didn’t break up with you.

i find myself craving a drink every evening lately. is this alcoholism or just adulthood?
Depends. What purpose does the drink serve?

Your commentary on US politics is full of shit and never backed by any actual justification like your claim on male ego and libertarianism.
That bruised ego you’ve got there is all the justification I need. *casually sips male tears*

Nixon was impeached for lying about a burglary. Hillary has rigged an election and will likely be President. It is hard to think of a more significant example of how corrupt the US government has become – but yet you seem to be fine looking the other way regarding these election shenanigans. Why?
I wouldn’t look the other way at election rigging. The problem is that your confirmation bias is so tweaked and you have such a superficial understanding of the electoral process that you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Is it just me, or is your readership growing weirder by the day?
It’s cyclical. The weirdos peak during election years.

Why are the only men I’m attracted to complete dicks full of white male entitlement? Is it a character flaw, or maybe just what I’m comfortable with?
It’s a character flaw.

What do you think of surgical castration as a punishment for rapists/pedophiles? Too biblical or just biblical enough?
As a method of involuntary punishment, I’d say surgical castration is about as cruel and unusual as it gets. However, as method of voluntary treatment, it might serve a legitimate purpose, but I’d have to see more research on its efficacy.

You’ve answered three of my questions in the past few years. I wonder how rare that is?
Impossible to know, but now it’s four.

What’s your score on the Hare checklist?
12/40 (Dude. I’m nowhere near being a psychopath.)

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

In a moment of drunken inspiration, I told him and he doesn’t feel the same way. Now what?
What do you mean, “Now what?” Now go have a snack. It’s no big deal. Just don’t act weird, and everything will be fine.

I just found out that someone is using my photos on Tinder and catfishing dudes with them. My social media pages are all locked down, they must have just screenshotted them from my own Tinder page. Is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening again?
Nope. Not a goddamn thing.

Is it ok to give up on finding love? I’m exhausted and the constant disappointment (whether I’m the dumpee or the dumper) is wearing me down.
There’s no need to give up when all you need to do is take a break.

Is 16 too young to give my daughter the books you recommended on religion/philosophy?
Hell no. If she has questions, help her answer them.

In the recent “On Third Party Voters” post, you seem rather angry, and I completely agree/understand why, but, a bit tangentially here… What does “male ego” have anything to do with it? What does that even mean? -A sincere question from a longtime fan.
Libertarianism would not exist without the male ego. Libertarianism is built on, around, and for the male ego. Libertarianism is the male ego distilled into political ideology. If you don’t understand what the male ego has to do with Libertarianism, then you don’t understand either Libertarianism or the male ego.

How can people be so blinded by Trump? Why don’t they see that he is a monster?
When a monster validates your bigoted morality and justifies your patriarchal worldview, you see what you want to see.

Hillary Clinton doesn’t care about brown & black people though, especially brown & black women. How can you justify that?
By not accepting the ridiculous premise of your stupid fucking question. That’s how.

Why isn’t the media hounding Trump for his taxes?
They are. Every damn day. He doesn’t give a fuck.

I know you come from a family of Republicans…what are their thoughts on the election/Trump?
They’re mortified at what the Republican party has become, they loathe Donald Trump, and they would never vote for him.

White male angst is going to kill us all.
Yeah, what’s new?

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Are you playing Pokémon Go?
Fuck no.

Please answer a load of fun-sized questions about pokemon go.
Fuck no.

I’m sure you’ve recieved a million of these but please weigh in on the Swift-Kimye feud.
I did when I tweeted, Y’all can’t tell the difference between a snatch and a snitch.  (If you don’t get it, read this comment.)

New resolution: every time my dad gives me advice, I’m going to do the exact opposite.
Okay. (It worked for George Costanza.)

Do you think I am losing my independence by taking my future husband’s last name? I’ve always believed that feminism means both men and women should be able to do what they want without gender norms stopping them. So I want his name, but I get nervous it’ll set a bad example if we were to ever have a daughter.
If you want to take his name, take his name. If you don’t, don’t. Quit overthinking it. Your independence is demonstrated by exercising your choice. That’s the lesson you’ll teach your daughter.

my boyfriend follows hot girls he doesn’t know on Instagram. It doesn’t bother me, but it does bother me that he gets upset when I mention that a dude is hot. How is what he’s doing any different?
It’s not any different, except that what he’s doing is low-key creepy, and what you’re doing is perfectly normal. Also, welcome to the world of gender based double-standards. Get cozy.

This Convention is like dropping acid at a country club while someone plays Queen on a rented jukebox and someone spun the clock backwards. When will it end? It’s like a Fellini film glued to the back of my eyelids. It’s a screaming psychotic episode! Help!
Fellini? Nah. Too optimistic. Everything about 2016 has been directed by David Cronenberg.

In terms of percentages, how much should I laugh at the RNC situation versus cowering in fear?
100% laughter. No cowering. Fear is what those assholes are selling. Don’t buy it.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why is sex with older men so hot?
Because the shift in power dynamics amplifies the experience.

How do you approach a work crush?
From behind with a net.

Should I shave my head?
If you feel that’s what you need to move on, then sure. Go ahead. Just be self-aware enough to know why you’re doing it.

Am I allowed to check up on a dude I dumped yesterday after we had dated for a month. He was really torn by the situation and I got worried (tears and all). Is a “how are you text?” wrong to send? I am concerned.
Unless your concern is one of safety that rises to a level that would necessitate calling 911, leave him the fuck alone. You dumped him. Have the strength of character to let him stay dumped. It’s not fair for you to give him glimmers of false hope just to make yourself feel better.

After a long night of sex and snorting cocaine off his massive dick, he looked at me squarely and said, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” I’ve heard some coke talk in my time, but this line was a killer. Is this blow talk or real talk?
If there was visible sunlight in the room at the time he said it, it was probably real talk. If the shades were drawn or it was still dark outside, it was probably coke talk.

What font are you? What font am I?
At the moment, I’m feeling a little Baskerville Roman, which means you’re Baskerville Bold Italics.

i’ve always imagined you to look like michelle pfeiffer circa scarface/batman returns. like, that’s the image i have of you in my head. if ever a coquette biopic happens, she should play you.
Are you unfamiliar with the human aging process? Michelle Pfeiffer is gorgeous, but she is older than my mother.

Sorry the sell-out comments are getting under your skin. People will buy your book. You are fun to read. The promotion is getting annoying though.
I don’t care. I’m super excited about my book, and no one’s cynicism is gonna get in the way of my fun. I’ll promote it all I want, and you can just soak in it until your fingers get all pruney.

Would you be mad if I waited until the paperback comes out? :/
I won’t be mad, but just so you know, you won’t be able to buy the paperback as cheaply as you can pre-order the hardcover today.

I wish you would blog about your life more.
Okay. That dude from my pros and cons list is in LA on business. The other day he got into an UberPool with one of my very best girlfriends from back in the day. He was like “I’m from such-and-such city” and she was like “Oh, do you know so-and-so” and he was like “Holy shit, yes, we’re fucking” and they ended up talking about me for the whole ride. They both texted me as soon as they got dropped off, and this world is too fucking small for words.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why do you think we need to share our feelings in order to feel them fully?
You don’t, but it’s certainly easier to understand them if you do.

What’s the difference between selling-out and changing your principles?
The sale itself.

You say dignity is inherent and cannot be lost, but then in other instances you accept it as fact that dignity can be lost. Which is it?
It’s both.

The idea of nothing instead of this constant pain, irritation and nightmare of maintenance is actually quite appealing.
Yes, but it’s the idea that’s appealing. Ideas require a mind. They require that you exist.

I’ve been single for two years now and I think I’ve forgotten how to love. What do I do now?
Nah, you’re good. Anyone capable of saying “I think I’ve forgotten how to love” is too dramatic to actually forget how to love.

I’m getting married in a couple days. Everyone around me is busy and doing things to get everything ready and all I want to do is sit alone and cry.
Then go sit alone and cry. I think you’ll find it to be a damn good use of your time.

It often scares me that I love my husband so much, and fills me with a sense of foreboding. Is this a bad sign?
Nope. It’s a good sign. It means your life is so good at the moment that your brain doesn’t know where to aim normal levels of anxiety.

How do I accept the fact that I’ll never be pretty? I know this seems like a trivial question but I think about it every day.
Base your self-worth on something other than your looks — preferably the quality of your character. (Everyone should do this.)

I’m glad those cops are dead. I wish all cops were dead. And I still think the world will be a better place when you finally kill yourself with cocaine. You are an ugly person.
Just so you know, you’re one of my favorites. I love getting your batshit submissions. They’re fucking hilarious, and I’d be happy to autograph a copy of my book for you.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I’m scared that if I stop hating myself, I’ll have nothing left.
No you’re not. You’re scared that you might be normal.

Is horoscope bullshit?
Total and complete.

What if I’m in my twenties and would rather meet new people in the physical world than through Tinder or Bumble or whatever?
Um, you do meet new people in the physical world. The apps are just an initial screening process that eliminate 95% of the bullshit.

What does he mean when he says he’s never free, but always available?
It means he’s not funny.

I’m powering through The West Wing (Literally. 3 seasons in less than 3 weeks) Do I even bother after season 4? I don’t want to leave these characters.
Don’t be a Sorkin snob. It’s all wonderful.

When have I crossed the line from being forgiving to being a doormat?
At the moment you’ve lost your dignity.

How do you break up with someone who essentially has nothing wrong with him, it’s just that he wants to get serious and I don’t?
The same way you break-up with anyone. (Hopefully that means you do it quickly with respect and mercy.)

Why can’t Americans get their shit together when it comes to gun violence? (Serious question.)
Because of the 2nd Amendment. (Serious answer.)

How do you keep yourself open to relationships with the knowledge that they will all inevitably end?
Your question doesn’t even make sense to me. It’s like asking why I stay alive with the knowledge that I’ll eventually die.

Are you a socialist?
Are you a reductionist?

Have you ever belonged to a country club?
Nope. I do like my clubs private, but not so much with the country.

About what percentage of your income comes from this gig?
0%

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I really dislike my therapist. I just started therapy for an anxiety disorder (couple sessions in). Should I feel some kind of click? Or is that not important at all? I really don’t know anymore.
Find a new therapist.

Holy shit. I think you just changed my life by introducing me to Bumble. Tinder and POF were laden with creeps, and here I’m actually finding attractive, professional dudes. Since ladies have to message first, I’m curious to know what your opener is? “Hey” is getting boring already.
I typically start with a “Hey there,” and then I ask a friendly, general question like “How’s your day going?” or “How was your weekend?” or “Why is there something rather than nothing?”

I need a guide about how to casually date through dating apps. Every time I log into one, I don’t stay 48 hours. Too time consuming, too tiring, and too many people thinking I’m a Manic Pixie who’s supposed to save them from their boring lives. Any tips?
You realize that you just described your entire love life in a nutshell, right? The dating apps aren’t your problem. You are.

I’m in the happiest healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Why can’t I stop Facebook stalking his ex and mine? Why do I give a fuck about what either of them are doing?
Because you are an insecure little monkey who gets a jolt of dopamine every time you click on their profiles. (It has nothing to do with how happy you are in your current relationship.)

I want to go on antidepressants, but I’m worried that I’m just muting normal human sadness and blues.
You needn’t worry. That’s neither how human sadness nor SSRIs work.

If I’ve never written anything do I really want to be a writer?
You may want to be, but you aren’t.

I’m in LA for the summer. I have no car and no friends in the area. Am I doomed to a dull few months?
Depends. Are you hot?

I feel like there is this line that marks when my relationship is done. I can’t tell if I’m on it or past it. If I am on it, I can’t I tell if there is anything I can do to keep from crossing over.
The line only exists if you draw it.

Who is your favorite advice columnist?
Me. (Duh.)

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

“If Omar Mateen doesn’t represent all Muslims, why does he represent all gun owners?”
…Thoughts?
This is a straw man fallacy built around a false equivalency. No one is suggesting he represents all gun owners, and no one is suggesting he represents all Muslims. (If you actually know folks who suggest either, you may safely ignore whatever else they have to say, because they’re fucking idiots.) The only group Mateen represents is the tiny population of men with the potential to commit suicide by mass shooting in a fit of their own self-loathing and narcissistic rage who have absolutely no business being able to legally purchase firearms of any kind, much less assault weapons with high-capacity magazines that have no legitimate purpose other than military combat.

I know you’ve spoken about owning a gun before, but forgive me for not getting it. There is absolutely no fucking excuse for it, especially when it’s someone as smart, politically and ethically sound as you.
There are plenty of legitimate reasons to own a firearm. Don’t be an absolutist about this kind of shit. It makes it harder for the rest of us to get public opinion and legislation moving in a direction towards effective gun control.

Coquette, how do you meet guys? I do not want a relationship but I’m missing the little crushes here and then. I´m not a party girl, so clubs are out of the question. Any tips? I’m a fairly attractive 25 years old female not having sex.
Lately? Bumble.

I tend to be attracted to older men. Why do the older men I choose keep turning out to be ones who claim to typically be attracted to older women?
Oh, honey. That’s just their way of letting you down easy.

Top sex tip for a young couple who’ve been together for 2.5 years and whose sex life is starting to wane?
Eye contact.

When is enough enough?
Right before it’s too much.

I want kids someday, but I don’t want to bring them into this shitty world. What would you do?
I dunno. Get pregnant in another dimension?

You’re Bill Maher’s secret love child aren’t you?
No, but I used to party with the strippers he fucked.

I don’t think I’m good enough for him.
With that attitude, neither will he.

Do you still smoke(habitually)?
Nope.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

Do you give to charity? My friends (some of whom make more than I do) totally recoiled when I said I give a significant portion of my income to charity. I have zero idea how prevalent it is.
Yes. I give to Planned Parenthood, March of Dimes, and two local charities that I can’t name without revealing my location.

How do you tell someone to get over it (!!!) without coming across as harsh? My brother is heartbroken over someone he dated (drama the entire time) for like 3 months and I can’t keep being sympathetic. I know this makes me sound like a complete dick and I hate myself for it.
It requires that you be both empathetic and firm. Respect that the pain he feels is real while at the same time enforcing emotional boundaries that prevent him from wallowing in your presence. Say something like, “I understand that you’re still heartbroken, but you can’t bring that shit around me anymore.”

Is my life going to get better?
I can’t predict the future, and “better” is an impossibly subjective concept, but you can definitely change your circumstances. Start there and see what happens.

What is the title of the last one of those three books in your ‘stay wild’ photo? I can make two out: Triggers by Dr. Marshall Goldsmith and Diplomatic Pursuits by Joseph van Westphalen, but not the very last one.
The third book is Ernest Hemingway on Writing. (I love that my readers are such bibliophiles. You guys are impressive even when you’re being creepers.)

Why does Hillary act like she’s making history as if she’s the first rich white woman to succeed at the expense of marginalized women?
Oh, fuck off. Hillary isn’t perfect, but goddamnit, she is making history. If you can’t see that, then you’re blinded by that massive fucking chip on your shoulder.

Do you still do drugs sometimes like in your wild days or did you get over it?
Both. I’m over it, and I still party on special occasion. I’ve gone from a couple times a week to a couple times a season.

I’m addicted to you. I need more updates please! (sorry I know you have a life and whatnot but I NEED MORE.)
Patience, dear. I come and go in waves. Always have, always will.

 

 

 

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