It’s been about 12 years since I was last in love. Why hasn’t it happened again?
Is it possible that twelve years ago you were a person who didn’t understand what it meant to be in love? Is it possible that you’ve held on to an erroneous idea of love all this time, or worse yet, an idealized version that wasn’t even real? Every relationship is different. Every love is unique. Whatever happened back then will never happen again. It is gone forever. Let that shit go. Quit using it as the standard against which all other relationships are measured. Allow yourself to be open to something altogether new.

I’m doing my Masters, after it taking me two bachelors degrees to figure out what I wanted to do. I have a full scholarship and I’m passionate about what i’m studying. But 8 months in, i’m so so tired and so disheartened. I am working harder than I’ve ever worked at anything, but my grades are average. I feel like i’ve always done well while coasting, and now that i’m throwing my all into this, i’m ‘failing’ (by my own standards, anyway). I don’t know if I really have a question. But if you have any advice on how to avoid burnout it would be much appreciated.
Those aren’t really your standards. That’s why you’re burning out. Let them go, and allow your standards to adjust. You aren’t failing. You’re doing just fine. Let it be enough that you’re getting through the program. The prize isn’t a degree with honors. That’s just a trophy. The prize is a specialized career that you love in a rarified field of professionals to which you will one day belong. Keep your eye on the prize, not the trophy.

I feel like I could get into and go to medical school if I put my mind to it and if I really wanted to. Should I? I’m so conflicted over what career path to take.
I didn’t hear anything about wanting to be a doctor, and that’s something you gotta really want. Medical school is a series of hazing rituals that puts you into a quarter million dollars of debt. The mere ability to run that gauntlet isn’t reason enough to do it. You should have a burning desire to be a physician or a surgeon. Otherwise, you will be making yourself miserable for a career that isn’t nearly as lucrative or esteemed as you think it is.

I’m seriously interested in doing the whole sugar baby thing. How difficult will this be?
I don’t know you. There is a range of personality traits as well as physical and emotional attributes that might make sex work particularly easy or a living hell. Odds are, like most jobs, it’ll just barely be worth whatever money you can make, but in our economy, that’s more a reflection on the job itself rather than the person doing it.

how do i untie my self worth from my appearance?
Live in a different culture.

Do you have good posture?
Well, we all just sat up a little straighter, didn’t we?

My twenties have been really shitty. Will my thirties be any better?
They will be different. I can’t speak to better.

What do you think of the term “fainting couch feminism?”
It’s just another way for right wing assholes to call us snowflakes. It’s fine. Let them continue to mistake our compassion for weakness as they slowly asphyxiate on their own irrelevance.

It’s come to my attention that conservative voters are low information voters.
Stupid is as stupid does.

Baby Boomers need to die faster.
I don’t care if they live or die. I just want their wealth to be redistributed with extreme prejudice.

So you would vote for Cynthia Nixon?
Over Cuomo in the primary? Fuck yes. Over any Republican in the general? Double fuck yes.

How is someone as wise as you so willing to support the worst politicians?
You are such a fucking child. Please grow up or shut up, because the rest of us are here to win and we are are done babysitting spoiled brats like you.

Do you listen to Chapo Trap House?
I tried for a minute. I really tried, but I couldn’t get into it. I don’t find them particularly likable, insightful, or entertaining. (I’ll take the crew over at Crooked Media any day of the week.)

How do I get laid when I hate people?
I dunno. It’s never stopped me.

My boyfriend and I are planning to do molly together, it’s my first time, but not his. Any advice to make the most of the experience?
Stay hydrated. Make sure you don’t have anything planned the following day that requires any significant concentration. Any special feelings that either of you express towards one another while rolling should not be held against one another afterwards. Most importantly, enjoy yourself. Feel all the feels!

Is it wrong/weird/immature if I have absolutely zero interest in remaining friends with any of my exes? Regardless of how the relationships ended.
It’s fine. Don’t overthink it.

Is radical kindness a good idea or am I just setting myself up to be a doormat?
Radical kindness is a great idea. The only way to end up a doormat is to be unskilled at setting and maintaining proper boundaries.

I had all of your playlists on my old computer, which sadly died and has since been replaced. I noticed the old playlists are lost in the ether and was wondering if you have plans to bring them back to life. If not, I’ll plan a weekend of building them all out in Spotify over some whiskey. Thanks for putting together such great mixes!
The old playlists are not lost in the ether. They’re all right here. I’d love it if you built them all in Spotify for me. Thanks!

Met a super hot older man a while back. He was passing through my city, we’ve stayed in touch since then. He’s married and has at least two lovers, one in his home city and one in my city (whom he was visiting). He writes me poetry and recently told me that he thinks he loves me. I’m being played, right?
Like a cheap violin. Unless the wife knows about you and the poetry, don’t entertain this douchebag. (And to be clear, he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even love the idea of you. He loves himself, and he merely enjoys the way you make him feel.)

If I’m not physically attracted to him, that means I need to break up with him. Right?
That’s not what it means, but that’s what you’ll end up doing.

I feel super unhealthy around my family and always leave thinking I am a fuck up, both physically and mentally. But gosh am I healthy.
You’ve got a family of origin (mom, dad, etc.) and a family of choice (friends, mentors, etc.), each with its own system that governs your roles, your values, and your patterns of behavior. You feel unhealthy around your family of origin because the system itself is unhealthy, and you are its symptom bearer. Once you’re back amongst your family of choice, you feel healthy again because that system is (relatively) healthy. I don’t know why you’ve taken on the role of “fuck up” with your family of origin, but it definitely serves some sort of purpose, not necessarily to your benefit.

Why does he want to reconnect on social media after 10 years of not being connected?
I don’t know. Maybe ask him? Use your words.

I’m on my way to getting a picture book published, and all I can think about is that I’m going to fail to meet my deadline, that it probably won’t sell anyway, and that I just used my connection with the publishing house instead of working hard like a real artist. I’m doing my best to blow up all these self-sabotaging thoughts, but if you have any additional advice I’d really appreciate it.
Shut-up and get it done. Pour every ounce of your soul into the art. Do not give one solitary fuck if it sells.

How long do you give it before the college industry bubble bursts?
It already burst, but not like you think. Academia is capitalism-adjacent and not subject to the same market forces as, say, the mortgage industry. Nevertheless, there was a massive cultural shift over this past decade in the perceived value of higher education. The shift is what matters. It was a cultural bubble that burst, not an economic bubble. Now, if you’re asking how long before tuition drops, that depends entirely on who wins the 2020 election.

Finally admitted to myself that I’m in an emotional affair. Now what?
Now admit to yourself why you need it. The affair itself is just a symptom of a much larger problem. What is that problem? Once you figure it out, maybe try and solve it with some integrity.

What do you think about Jesus H. Christ and his teachings?
Overrated.

Just letting you know I had the best sex of my life last night.
Why wasn’t I invited?

Do you actually speak Latin?
I read Latin. Don’t really have anyone to speak it to.

Are you still friends with that guy you were madly in love with that suddenly moved on with that woman he just automatically hit it off with?
Yep. That seems like a long time ago. We’re all good friends now. They’re getting married.

You can’t just go marching back here like you didn’t ABANDON me for MONTHS on end with no real explanation MOM.
I can do whatever I want.

Look….I understand being too busy for the blog, I understand being too busy for the advice column….but can we, pretty please, get a playlist? I miss those so much!
Boom.

A friend just told me she 100% believes in ghosts, and I’m just so irritated. I don’t have a question.
This is America. You’re gonna have to get used to all the dumdums believing in a vast array of painfully stupid shit.

I listen to music that is much cooler than I am.
No you don’t. You are exactly as cool as the music you love.

How do you make friends as an adult? Moved to a new city, have a decent job but am the only person in their early 20’s, everyone else is married with kids and acts like it.
Making new friends in a new city after college isn’t automatic. You have to work at it like it’s a second job. You have to put yourself out there. It’s almost like dating. (I mean, shit. There’s a reason BumbleBFF is a thing.) It also takes time. In my experience, it takes about two years to develop a new and genuine friend set from scratch. If every six months you get to know one new person you want to keep in your life, you’re ahead of the curve.

Guys from dating apps keep asking me to FaceTime before meeting up. What the fuck? Is this what we do now?
It’s what you do apparently. It’s not what I do. A grown-ass man wants a piece of my time, he’s gonna invite me to dinner or drinks like a proper goddamn adult. Fucking hell. If you post-millennial shitbirds start making me do the whole “back in my day” routine I swear to god I will burn this motherfucker down.

What is Jordan Peterson wrong about? I love you both by the way.
Ugh. I am so sick of hearing that man’s name. I get why there’s some crossover in my readership and his fandom, but I don’t want anything to do with that Canadian hack. He’s not worth my time. If you want a deadly accurate assessment of Jordan Peterson, go watch ContraPoint’s YouTube video. She nails it so I don’t have to. (Actually, go watch all of ContraPoint’s YouTube videos. She is hilarious and amazing and deserves her own Netflix series.)

Does it get easier, making conscious choices to change in the moment? Or is it always a slog?
Making conscious choices to change in the moment will always be difficult. What gets easier is everything else.

Going to a music festival alone. Good or bad idea?
Go. Just go. Quit worrying about the stupid idea and just go do all the things.

How would you like to be remembered? How do you actually think you’ll be remembered?
I won’t be remembered. None of us will. We will each be known briefly by the few who love us, and then we will all be dead forever.

Why are guys such lying assholes?
Because you allow it.

How do I recover from being in a relationship with a narcissist and living through the narcissistic cycle of abuse? I feel like I can’t trust anything anymore.
Don’t take over your ex’s gaslighting duties now that he’s gone.

I would consider myself a fairly shameless person, which I think is a good thing. One problem – I was raped about a year and a half ago, and this is one thing that I feel ashamed of. Rationally, I know it wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t blame myself for it, but I still feel like this. How do I stop feeling ashamed?
Your feelings of shame don’t have anything to do with fault or blame. You feel diminished, sullied, less than you were before. You believe (or have been made to believe) that you are now of lesser value because you were raped. Of course, that belief is false as fuck, but until that false belief is addressed and exploded, you will continue feeling ashamed.

Coke my dude, my babe, my guru, it all hurts and if there’s a reason to keep breathing I can’t imagine what it is.
The leaves are about to start changing color.

I’m attracted to my ex’s son. It’s that age. I’m 25, my ex is 45, his son is 19. Fuck, he likes me too. What the fuck do I do?
Decide whether you’re the kind of person who’d rather deal with future regret or future remorse and act accordingly.

Can you recommend any good wonkish podcasts?
Pod Save America, Hysteria, Lovett or Leave It, The Weeds, and The Ezra Klein Show.

Can be good without right? Can be right without Truth? Can be good without Truth?
Yes, yes, and yes.

Is Jordan Peterson attractive in your view?
You’re joking, right? Dear god, no. He’s a repulsive ghoul.

Have you ever met someone who talked about Dear Coquette with you, but they had no idea they are actually talking to the person who started it all?
Yep. It’s happened a couple of times.

What is your main source of joy right now?
My work.

Would you describe yourself as a postmodernist?
I’m more of a metamodernist.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely is:
~Trump to be reelected in 2020
~Trump to be impeached before then
~Trump to start a trade war
~Russia to invade Northern Canada and would that start a WW3
~Is that even on Russia’s radar or is that some messed up paranoia
Trump reelection: 2 in 10 chance.
Trump impeachment: 5 in 10 chance.
Trump trade war: 10 in 10 chance.
Russia invades Canada: 0 in 10 chance. (Yes, that’s paranoia.)

Are art museums pompous? I love them, but my brother says art museums are basically malls where you can’t buy anything, making them pointless.
Your brother is an idiot.

Why is it bad to kill yourself?
Because then you’re dead, silly.

if everything is meaningless anyway, does it even really matter if i fuck the married guy
It matters to his wife, bitch.

I finally told him I wanted a divorce. I’ve been wanting it for a couple of years now. At first I felt like a weight was lifted, but then I started to panic that I made the wrong choice. How do I know if I was wrong?
The only choice you’ve made is to tell him. You haven’t actually done it yet. Divorce is a process — a grueling, painful process — and that may not be what you really want. What you really want is for things to change, and somehow you’ve come to believe that divorce is the only version of change available. Maybe it is, but I doubt it. Make sure you’ve exhausted all other means of potential change before you go follow through with divorce. That’s how you’ll know if you’ve made the right choice.

Why does Pete Campbell come off as a sleazeball but Don’t Draper does not?
I love a question that comes at me a full decade after it’s relevant. Still, I suppose we live in non-linear times, so here’s your cheat code to Mad Men: Don Draper is not a good guy. He’s just good looking. The entire show is one long narrative experiment proving that archetypal masculinity is just narcissism with a square jaw.

I love my best friend to death, but she has a habit of dating magnificent assholes for short periods of time. When she does, I have to listen to all her insufferable relationship woes and I think by now I’ve reached my breaking point. How do I deal with this without hurting her feelings?
Change the subject. If she insists on talking about her relationships then be more direct and tell her to stop talking about them. Be firm and come from a place of love. It’s okay if you hurt her feelings in the process of setting some healthy boundaries.

Is it chance or choice that you follow 666 people on Twitter?
What do you think?

We know you’re MBTI type, but what’s your attachment style? Should we guess?
Secure as fuck.

Why do you say “you aren’t” instead of “you’re not”?
I use both. They each have a distinct rhythm, and they read differently.

I feel like your recent posts are more peaceful and centered. Do you feel different now that you’re no longer in Los Angeles?
Absolutely, without question, I am in a much better place.

Where have you been?
Learning. Growing. Becoming a better person.

Are you in love?
Madly.

Omg, thank you for posting again
Sure thing.

Did you stop blogging because of the trolls?
Nope, not at all. I’m just living a life over here, and sometimes I have to focus on other things.

I’m 27 and debt-free and I’ve finally given up on the idea that people liking me and being right will make me successful. What now?
Surround yourself with quality people, and find something that you enjoy doing.

I pretty much get all my news from Vox and podcasts. I don’t know if this is bad.
Add the Washington Post and a well-curated Twitter account into the mix, and you’ll be fine.

When I’m with someone, I know my worth. I’m intelligent, thoughtful, empathetic, independent, whatever. If they lose interest in me, I think “your loss, you won’t find another person like me.” Is this arrogance or self-esteem talking?
That first bit with all the positive characteristics is self-esteem. That second bit about him not finding another person like you is arrogance.

I’m 35 and divorced. He’s 42 and divorced. We both want a family. We both don’t have one. I’m not sure if I love him but I know he would be a good and dedicated father. Should I do it? Is it settling?
It’s not settling if having a family is a higher priority for you than being in love. It’s important that he’ll be a good and dedicated father, but make absolutely sure he will be a good and dedicated partner as well.

On the first date, a guy wanted to fuck me. Declined, but said perhaps in the future if he “plays his cards right” (forgive the cliché). Why does it bother me that he referred to it as me “playing games”? It was going really well otherwise, I just needed more time to decide when (if) I wanted to have sex with him.
You literally referenced playing a card game with regard to his pursuit of you sexually. If the “playing games” cliché bothers you, perhaps you should update your metaphors. (And it bothers you because you take your vagina way too seriously.)

Coke, why are people fucking dumb enough to buy and use “smart speakers” in their homes? Do people really not give a shit about their privacy for the sake of mind numbing convenience?
We walk around with microphones and cameras in our pockets all day long. You think that’s any different than having an Echo in your apartment? Besides, nobody with the skill or authority to hack your devices is listening to you. You aren’t that important.

How many times have you changed careers?
Three.

Do you still feel the same way about monogamy as your younger selves?
Yes and no. These days my dial is set somewhere around monogamish.

So… thoughts on 2018 so far?
Better than 2017.

My relationship is OK. Not amazing, not bad. I oscillate between wanting to end it, and sinking into another comfortable night of Netflix with someone I love. I’ve never been this comfortable and I feel like it’s sucking out my motivation to improve other areas in my life. Is this a good reason to leave?
It’s not your relationship’s fault that you’re a lazy piece of shit. Fucking handle your business. Motivate. Improve the other areas in your life. Do it now or you’ll get stuck in a pattern where you think the best version of yourself can only be single.

I’m 25 and just started cutting myself again. What the fuck?
It happens. Go get some professional help. If you need a referral for mental health care services in your area, email me here.

Coke, I just got to Sydney for my best friend from high school’s wedding. So amazing seeing her and her family. Then we got to her apartment and met…him. Her fiancé is a total asshole. I’m kind of freaking out.
It’s not your wedding, so you don’t get to freak out. Be cool. Kill the fiancé with kindness, and don’t make any part of the wedding about you.

I need to make a career change, and I know exactly where to move, I know exactly what I need to do to get a job there, I’m close to having a significant amount of savings, and I even have a partner who’s ready, willing, and eager to go with me. I hate my current job, I’m sick of my apartment and my neighborhood, and I’m even getting tired of my entire city. So why I have I spent all my free time full of anxiety, goofing off, and not planning at all?
You’re paralyzed. It’s fear of the unknown combined with an ugly case of emotional and/or spiritual inertia. You gotta push through that shit.

Rupi Kaur? Thought you were above that kind of yuppy wisdom.
Milk and Honey was given to me by a friend who was dying of cancer. Y’all couldn’t have known that, but at the same time, y’all could also chill the fuck out. My book lists are a snapshot of what’s on my bookshelf. They’re not a curriculum.

The friend who introduced me to this blog oh so many years ago passed away unexpectedly and far too early. His funeral is tomorrow and I’m so glad that you’re posting more right now. It’s providing an unexpected comfort and connection. Thank you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you read this and think of him fondly.

You followed me on Twitter a year ago, and since then, some of the coolest and most interesting people I’ve had the pleasure to know began following me. I’ve actually become friends with some of them. Sometimes, I feel like a fraud because they see me in a better light based on what they think of as a tacit endorsement from you. Either way, I’m still grateful. You are a part of me, even though I have no idea who you are and you have no idea who I am.
Yeah, Twitter has kinda become what Tumblr used to be for me.

Read your post from August 2013, On the harm in flirtation. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Been messaging some married guy back and forth, thought it was harmless since we’re both not interested romantically – but your post made me stop and think. And I realized his wife would be upset if she knew. I just happened to be hitting the random advice button. So glad that’s the one that came up. Thank you.
Glad the 2013 version of me could help.

Hey Coke. Do you know anything about the contents about your identity contained in this review posted recently to Amazon? Apparently, you’re an almost 40-year-old single mom, who fled L.A. because she was unsuccessful in her career and love life, among other things.
Ha! Every single detail of that review is straight-up wrong. The only thing remotely accurate is the fact that I’m a struggling human nobody like 99% of the world. (I mean, duh.) I do love the idea that my identity is an “open secret” amongst some set of people who are either tragically misinformed or completely full of shit. There’s something deeply satisfying about that.

I feel like you abandoned us when we needed you most.
Don’t be silly.

It hurts when he chooses someone over me. Calls me when it doesn’t work out. And I know it and I hope he loves me. I don’t know why I do this to myself. Every time I forget him he comes back into my life. I let him.
You do this to yourself because you enjoy the pain. The flood of negative emotions you feel when he chooses someone over you serves a greater purpose in your life than the tiny, twisted dose of joy you get when he comes back around. You’re using him as much as he’s using you, and the only person who respects you less than him is you.

I live in a cute neighborhood with a couple of bars not even a 5 min walk from my apartment. Is it uncool, unwise, and/or unsafe to have a drink by myself once in a while to try to meet people (not for hook-ups)?
It’s perfectly fine. Get to know your bartenders. Become a regular.

I work with a bunch of super-‘smart,’ hipster, trendy, young, ‘digital nomad,’ techy people at a company that is basically a glorified recruiting firm for freelancers. Everything is just a little too, I know know…. ‘start-up awesome.’ What is my deal?
Nothing. You’re experiencing the new normal. Keep doing your thing, get to know as many people as possible, and don’t ever get too comfortable.

Why did my fiance’s ex start following me on Instagram? We’ve been together for four years and I’ve never met her.
Please. You’re the evil bitch who’s about to marry her first love. She’s gonna be hate-following you for the rest of your natural life.

I cheated on my boyfriend, and he assaulted me (broken bones, etc.). Both are moral failings of course, but am I self-centered for feeling like the assault was more egregious than the cheating? All of my friends feel as though I deserved it, and are distinctly “Team Ex-Bf”. Does infidelity justify violence? Is this my penance?
Physical violence outside of self-defense is utterly inexcusable. Anyone who even remotely defends your ex is not your friend. Get the fuck out of that situation and as far away from those people as possible.

I’m 19 years old. My mom keeps talking about how she wants to kill herself. I don’t know what to do. I feel useless.
Call 911 the next time she does it. Don’t hesitate. When the emergency first responders arrive, tell them that your mother is suicidal and demand that they take her to a hospital. Go with them. Tell the doctors that she has a long history of suicidality and that you believe she is a danger to herself. Tell them she needs to be put on a 72 hour psychiatric hold. Take control of the situation, and don’t back down. Ignore all the horrible shit that your mother will say to you. It will be scary and it will be difficult, but I promise, if you follow through and get your mother admitted, I guarantee things will change. I can’t promise that your mom will stop manipulating you with her depression, but I can promise that you won’t feel useless anymore.

You’re leaning a little less to the left these days, aren’t you? It’s understandable considering the chaos of late. I wonder if you listen at all to people like Gad Saad, Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson who have reasoned, intelligent ideas on politics, gender, race etc.
Reasoned and intelligent ideas? What the fuck could you possibly be thinking? Gad Saad is a lumbering asshole, Ben Shapiro is a creepy little fascist, and Jordan Peterson is just plain wrong. Ugh. Just because these pricks make the rounds on respectable podcasts that doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Fucking hell, have some intellectual integrity.

I’m getting very close to checking out early. On an individual level, I’m struggling to keep my head above water. On societal and global levels, everything seems to be unraveling. How do I keep moving forward when it’s getting harder to believe that there’s even a future?
Your problem is that you think struggling is the same thing as suffering. It’s not. Learn to separate the two and you won’t resent your existence so much. Your other problem is that you think there’s supposed to be a future. There isn’t. We’re all gonna die in the next few decades, and on a geological timescale, nothing we’ll do as a species is ever gonna matter. That doesn’t mean you get to check out early. You still have to show up and do your thing.

I was raped 3 years ago in an alley by a stranger. I have just now recently (last 6 months) started therapy for my bouts of PTSD. Why do I feel like my case of PTSD has less significance than say, ongoing sexual abuse or childhood trauma, when I’m trying to discuss it? And why do I care? And why am I letting this get in the way of making any real progress in healing?
In a word? Guilt. You’re letting guilt get in the way of healing because deep down you blame yourself for the rape, and rather than do the hard work it takes to process that guilt, you’re unconsciously taking the easy way out and allowing your guilt to manifest in the form of therapy interfering emotions. Whenever you start feeling like you aren’t as worthy of treatment as others, catch yourself. Recognize that it’s just your guilt talking, and remind yourself that none of this shit was your fault and that you deserve to heal.

I read that Portland has a very racist history. I’ve never been but I liked the idea of it until I read more about its past.
Wow, you’re really gonna be bummed when you hear about the history of literally everywhere in human civilization.

Is it true that you can’t be racist towards white people?
It’s certainly true in America. (You can be prejudiced against white people, but racism requires an element of systemic or institutionalized oppression, and the dominant cultural group is, by definition, not oppressed.)

What’s the difference between making it work and settling?
The low quality of your relationship versus the low quality of your partner.

He just broke up with me. After 7 years. Said he didn’t want to marry me. Why do I feel surprisingly okay right now?
Because you didn’t want to marry him either.

I’m Indian. I started dating this black dude a white ago, and he’s friends with this vegan white chick with dreads. Why does this bother me?
Because vegan white chicks with dreads bother everybody.

House to be completed in October. Should I lock my mortgage interest rate now or wait for Trump destabilize the economy between now and the end of October?
Lock in your rate immediately. That shit’ll be half a point higher by Halloween.

What is your opinion on people who have wine glass charms?
The only thing I feel for them is pity.

I’ve matched with everyone in this small town in Tinder/Bumble for a year now, and no one has replied.
Move.

My childhood best friend and I had a stupid falling out and haven’t spoken years, but just today she finally deleted me on Facebook. Is it stupid to still be upset about this?
No, but grow the fuck up already. Call your former BFF and mend the fucking fence. The falling out was stupid. Put forth the effort, and fall back in. You don’t ever get to have more childhood friends. They are valuable. Reach the fuck out already. Apologize. Show a little remorse and regret, and you’ll be surprised to find out how easy it is to make up.

Your “Be Vulnerable” button scares the shit out of me. I’ve always been brash, unflappable, guarded; it’s my schtick and I mostly like it but I know as I age this is unsustainable. I know it is time to grow out of it but how do I start? How do I soften without melting? How do I deconstruct without falling apart? How do I actually become vulnerable?
You are already vulnerable. You are already a jumble of constructs. You are already soft. You don’t have to start doing anything to grow. Just stop with the schtick. Lower your guard. You’re not gonna melt. You’re not gonna fall apart.

When is the right time to tell your romantic partner that you have a mental illness? (Bipolar II). Are the rules any different for boys and girls?
The rules are not different for boys and girls. You don’t ever have to tell anyone about your mental disorder, but a good rule of thumb to consider is that if this is the person who you would list as your emergency contact, then they should probably know about any health conditions you may have.

Is your job supposed to make you happy? Is one person supposed to make you happy? Are you supposed to make yourself happy?
No, no, and yes, to the extent that we are each responsible for our own emotional states, but never forget that happiness is fleeting and often shallow. Happiness is not the point. Growth is the point.

Would you ever excuse the death penalty? Say, for an unapologetic racist who murdered nine people? People who hacked children apart? Ever?
Not by the state. Not ever.

If you could take a vacation anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?
Australia. I’m in the mood to not give a fuck, and those crazy bastards make me happy.

What is your purpose in life? Overall or right now in this season? Does this blog fit in to what you feel your purpose is?
I thought for a while I was an explorer monkey, but it turns out I’m a helper monkey, so yeah, this blog fits neatly into that purpose.

Did Sarah Silverman just plagiarize you in her Netflix special?
I’m not the first person to notice that we’re insignificant specks of dust.

LA or SF? (as they both exist now)
Portland.