Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Are you playing Pokémon Go?
Fuck no.

Please answer a load of fun-sized questions about pokemon go.
Fuck no.

I’m sure you’ve recieved a million of these but please weigh in on the Swift-Kimye feud.
I did when I tweeted, Y’all can’t tell the difference between a snatch and a snitch.  (If you don’t get it, read this comment.)

New resolution: every time my dad gives me advice, I’m going to do the exact opposite.
Okay. (It worked for George Costanza.)

Do you think I am losing my independence by taking my future husband’s last name? I’ve always believed that feminism means both men and women should be able to do what they want without gender norms stopping them. So I want his name, but I get nervous it’ll set a bad example if we were to ever have a daughter.
If you want to take his name, take his name. If you don’t, don’t. Quit overthinking it. Your independence is demonstrated by exercising your choice. That’s the lesson you’ll teach your daughter.

my boyfriend follows hot girls he doesn’t know on Instagram. It doesn’t bother me, but it does bother me that he gets upset when I mention that a dude is hot. How is what he’s doing any different?
It’s not any different, except that what he’s doing is low-key creepy, and what you’re doing is perfectly normal. Also, welcome to the world of gender based double-standards. Get cozy.

This Convention is like dropping acid at a country club while someone plays Queen on a rented jukebox and someone spun the clock backwards. When will it end? It’s like a Fellini film glued to the back of my eyelids. It’s a screaming psychotic episode! Help!
Fellini? Nah. Too optimistic. Everything about 2016 has been directed by David Cronenberg.

In terms of percentages, how much should I laugh at the RNC situation versus cowering in fear?
100% laughter. No cowering. Fear is what those assholes are selling. Don’t buy it.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why is sex with older men so hot?
Because the shift in power dynamics amplifies the experience.

How do you approach a work crush?
From behind with a net.

Should I shave my head?
If you feel that’s what you need to move on, then sure. Go ahead. Just be self-aware enough to know why you’re doing it.

Am I allowed to check up on a dude I dumped yesterday after we had dated for a month. He was really torn by the situation and I got worried (tears and all). Is a “how are you text?” wrong to send? I am concerned.
Unless your concern is one of safety that rises to a level that would necessitate calling 911, leave him the fuck alone. You dumped him. Have the strength of character to let him stay dumped. It’s not fair for you to give him glimmers of false hope just to make yourself feel better.

After a long night of sex and snorting cocaine off his massive dick, he looked at me squarely and said, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” I’ve heard some coke talk in my time, but this line was a killer. Is this blow talk or real talk?
If there was visible sunlight in the room at the time he said it, it was probably real talk. If the shades were drawn or it was still dark outside, it was probably coke talk.

What font are you? What font am I?
At the moment, I’m feeling a little Baskerville Roman, which means you’re Baskerville Bold Italics.

i’ve always imagined you to look like michelle pfeiffer circa scarface/batman returns. like, that’s the image i have of you in my head. if ever a coquette biopic happens, she should play you.
Are you unfamiliar with the human aging process? Michelle Pfeiffer is gorgeous, but she is older than my mother.

Sorry the sell-out comments are getting under your skin. People will buy your book. You are fun to read. The promotion is getting annoying though.
I don’t care. I’m super excited about my book, and no one’s cynicism is gonna get in the way of my fun. I’ll promote it all I want, and you can just soak in it until your fingers get all pruney.

Would you be mad if I waited until the paperback comes out? :/
I won’t be mad, but just so you know, you won’t be able to buy the paperback as cheaply as you can pre-order the hardcover today.

I wish you would blog about your life more.
Okay. That dude from my pros and cons list is in LA on business. The other day he got into an UberPool with one of my very best girlfriends from back in the day. He was like “I’m from such-and-such city” and she was like “Oh, do you know so-and-so” and he was like “Holy shit, yes, we’re fucking” and they ended up talking about me for the whole ride. They both texted me as soon as they got dropped off, and this world is too fucking small for words.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why do you think we need to share our feelings in order to feel them fully?
You don’t, but it’s certainly easier to understand them if you do.

What’s the difference between selling-out and changing your principles?
The sale itself.

You say dignity is inherent and cannot be lost, but then in other instances you accept it as fact that dignity can be lost. Which is it?
It’s both.

The idea of nothing instead of this constant pain, irritation and nightmare of maintenance is actually quite appealing.
Yes, but it’s the idea that’s appealing. Ideas require a mind. They require that you exist.

I’ve been single for two years now and I think I’ve forgotten how to love. What do I do now?
Nah, you’re good. Anyone capable of saying “I think I’ve forgotten how to love” is too dramatic to actually forget how to love.

I’m getting married in a couple days. Everyone around me is busy and doing things to get everything ready and all I want to do is sit alone and cry.
Then go sit alone and cry. I think you’ll find it to be a damn good use of your time.

It often scares me that I love my husband so much, and fills me with a sense of foreboding. Is this a bad sign?
Nope. It’s a good sign. It means your life is so good at the moment that your brain doesn’t know where to aim normal levels of anxiety.

How do I accept the fact that I’ll never be pretty? I know this seems like a trivial question but I think about it every day.
Base your self-worth on something other than your looks — preferably the quality of your character. (Everyone should do this.)

I’m glad those cops are dead. I wish all cops were dead. And I still think the world will be a better place when you finally kill yourself with cocaine. You are an ugly person.
Just so you know, you’re one of my favorites. I love getting your batshit submissions. They’re fucking hilarious, and I’d be happy to autograph a copy of my book for you.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I’m scared that if I stop hating myself, I’ll have nothing left.
No you’re not. You’re scared that you might be normal.

Is horoscope bullshit?
Total and complete.

What if I’m in my twenties and would rather meet new people in the physical world than through Tinder or Bumble or whatever?
Um, you do meet new people in the physical world. The apps are just an initial screening process that eliminate 95% of the bullshit.

What does he mean when he says he’s never free, but always available?
It means he’s not funny.

I’m powering through The West Wing (Literally. 3 seasons in less than 3 weeks) Do I even bother after season 4? I don’t want to leave these characters.
Don’t be a Sorkin snob. It’s all wonderful.

When have I crossed the line from being forgiving to being a doormat?
At the moment you’ve lost your dignity.

How do you break up with someone who essentially has nothing wrong with him, it’s just that he wants to get serious and I don’t?
The same way you break-up with anyone. (Hopefully that means you do it quickly with respect and mercy.)

Why can’t Americans get their shit together when it comes to gun violence? (Serious question.)
Because of the 2nd Amendment. (Serious answer.)

How do you keep yourself open to relationships with the knowledge that they will all inevitably end?
Your question doesn’t even make sense to me. It’s like asking why I stay alive with the knowledge that I’ll eventually die.

Are you a socialist?
Are you a reductionist?

Have you ever belonged to a country club?
Nope. I do like my clubs private, but not so much with the country.

About what percentage of your income comes from this gig?

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I really dislike my therapist. I just started therapy for an anxiety disorder (couple sessions in). Should I feel some kind of click? Or is that not important at all? I really don’t know anymore.
Find a new therapist.

Holy shit. I think you just changed my life by introducing me to Bumble. Tinder and POF were laden with creeps, and here I’m actually finding attractive, professional dudes. Since ladies have to message first, I’m curious to know what your opener is? “Hey” is getting boring already.
I typically start with a “Hey there,” and then I ask a friendly, general question like “How’s your day going?” or “How was your weekend?” or “Why is there something rather than nothing?”

I need a guide about how to casually date through dating apps. Every time I log into one, I don’t stay 48 hours. Too time consuming, too tiring, and too many people thinking I’m a Manic Pixie who’s supposed to save them from their boring lives. Any tips?
You realize that you just described your entire love life in a nutshell, right? The dating apps aren’t your problem. You are.

I’m in the happiest healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Why can’t I stop Facebook stalking his ex and mine? Why do I give a fuck about what either of them are doing?
Because you are an insecure little monkey who gets a jolt of dopamine every time you click on their profiles. (It has nothing to do with how happy you are in your current relationship.)

I want to go on antidepressants, but I’m worried that I’m just muting normal human sadness and blues.
You needn’t worry. That’s neither how human sadness nor SSRIs work.

If I’ve never written anything do I really want to be a writer?
You may want to be, but you aren’t.

I’m in LA for the summer. I have no car and no friends in the area. Am I doomed to a dull few months?
Depends. Are you hot?

I feel like there is this line that marks when my relationship is done. I can’t tell if I’m on it or past it. If I am on it, I can’t I tell if there is anything I can do to keep from crossing over.
The line only exists if you draw it.

Who is your favorite advice columnist?
Me. (Duh.)

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

“If Omar Mateen doesn’t represent all Muslims, why does he represent all gun owners?”
This is a straw man fallacy built around a false equivalency. No one is suggesting he represents all gun owners, and no one is suggesting he represents all Muslims. (If you actually know folks who suggest either, you may safely ignore whatever else they have to say, because they’re fucking idiots.) The only group Mateen represents is the tiny population of men with the potential to commit suicide by mass shooting in a fit of their own self-loathing and narcissistic rage who have absolutely no business being able to legally purchase firearms of any kind, much less assault weapons with high-capacity magazines that have no legitimate purpose other than military combat.

I know you’ve spoken about owning a gun before, but forgive me for not getting it. There is absolutely no fucking excuse for it, especially when it’s someone as smart, politically and ethically sound as you.
There are plenty of legitimate reasons to own a firearm. Don’t be an absolutist about this kind of shit. It makes it harder for the rest of us to get public opinion and legislation moving in a direction towards effective gun control.

Coquette, how do you meet guys? I do not want a relationship but I’m missing the little crushes here and then. I´m not a party girl, so clubs are out of the question. Any tips? I’m a fairly attractive 25 years old female not having sex.
Lately? Bumble.

I tend to be attracted to older men. Why do the older men I choose keep turning out to be ones who claim to typically be attracted to older women?
Oh, honey. That’s just their way of letting you down easy.

Top sex tip for a young couple who’ve been together for 2.5 years and whose sex life is starting to wane?
Eye contact.

When is enough enough?
Right before it’s too much.

I want kids someday, but I don’t want to bring them into this shitty world. What would you do?
I dunno. Get pregnant in another dimension?

You’re Bill Maher’s secret love child aren’t you?
No, but I used to party with the strippers he fucked.

I don’t think I’m good enough for him.
With that attitude, neither will he.

Do you still smoke(habitually)?

Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

Do you give to charity? My friends (some of whom make more than I do) totally recoiled when I said I give a significant portion of my income to charity. I have zero idea how prevalent it is.
Yes. I give to Planned Parenthood, March of Dimes, and two local charities that I can’t name without revealing my location.

How do you tell someone to get over it (!!!) without coming across as harsh? My brother is heartbroken over someone he dated (drama the entire time) for like 3 months and I can’t keep being sympathetic. I know this makes me sound like a complete dick and I hate myself for it.
It requires that you be both empathetic and firm. Respect that the pain he feels is real while at the same time enforcing emotional boundaries that prevent him from wallowing in your presence. Say something like, “I understand that you’re still heartbroken, but you can’t bring that shit around me anymore.”

Is my life going to get better?
I can’t predict the future, and “better” is an impossibly subjective concept, but you can definitely change your circumstances. Start there and see what happens.

What is the title of the last one of those three books in your ‘stay wild’ photo? I can make two out: Triggers by Dr. Marshall Goldsmith and Diplomatic Pursuits by Joseph van Westphalen, but not the very last one.
The third book is Ernest Hemingway on Writing. (I love that my readers are such bibliophiles. You guys are impressive even when you’re being creepers.)

Why does Hillary act like she’s making history as if she’s the first rich white woman to succeed at the expense of marginalized women?
Oh, fuck off. Hillary isn’t perfect, but goddamnit, she is making history. If you can’t see that, then you’re blinded by that massive fucking chip on your shoulder.

Do you still do drugs sometimes like in your wild days or did you get over it?
Both. I’m over it, and I still party on special occasion. I’ve gone from a couple times a week to a couple times a season.

I’m addicted to you. I need more updates please! (sorry I know you have a life and whatnot but I NEED MORE.)
Patience, dear. I come and go in waves. Always have, always will.




Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

When the fuck will I know what the fuck I want to do with my life?
Maybe never. Get cozy with your chronic, low-grade existential crisis.

Is constantly wishing to be dead part of that “chronic low-grade existential crisis”, or is it depression?
Yeah, that’s depression. Nothing low-grade about it. Get help.

Is high functioning avoidant personality disorder a thing?
Not really. It’s common for individuals to display avoidant personality traits, but it doesn’t really rise to the level of disorder unless those traits cause significant functional impairment.

I might have the opportunity to participate in an ayahuasca ceremony, during a very transitional period in my life. Should I go for it?

You’ve talked before about how your co-workers don’t know anything about your actual lifestyle. I just started my first job in a corporate setting and I’d like to divorce my work life from my personal life as much as possible (both to be professional, and because I don’t trust my co-workers). Should I just work harder at lying well, or do you have any other tips?
You shouldn’t have to lie. If you can’t keep your privacy with simple deflection and omission, then your co-workers are being nosey, and you should feel free to be rude.

is there any archive of your style blog? or any chance of a reboot? I’ve only been reading since last year and am kicking myself for not finding you sooner.
My old style blog posts are now just blended in with all my original blog posts. (Select “style” from the categories menu to see them.) I might occasionally post new style stuff. We’ll see.

Years ago you wrote some custom wedding vows. I’m very curious to know what you said.
Yeah, right here. They’ve been married for five years now. I even heard from them on their anniversary a while back.

I am sending my narcissistic mom a low/no contact letter today. I am standing up for myself. I am so scared. I want to cry and vomit at the same time. Send me good vibes, please. I don’t know why I’m sending this to you.
Good luck and good vibes. Sorry that your mom sucks. (It’s okay to cry and vomit.)

Why do I orgasm louder and deeper when I play with myself versus when I have sex?
Because you’re less self-conscious when nobody else is in the room.

It’s so weird…i really expected a post today.



Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

You say that all humans are inherently worthy, does that include rapists?
Yes, all humans — even rapists and murderers and Wall Street executives — everyone has inherent worth, simply by virtue of their humanity.

I’m a woman. Why do I lose respect for men whom I previously admired intellectually/professionally when they make a choice in women I feel is beneath them?
The way you’ve phrased this makes it an ugly manifestation of your internalized misogyny. It’s a round-about way of competitively hating on other women. Think long and hard about why you chose the words “beneath” and “admired.” They will lead you to the source of your problem.

Sexless marriage, 8.5 years. Can’t afford divorce. 2 kids. He won’t leave. We’re in counseling. I also added group therapy to the mix. It’s not working. I want out.
If you can’t afford lawyers and a divorce, then I’d recommend a mediator and a trial separation. Since he won’t leave, I recommend an in-house separation. (Yes, that’s a thing.) Have your mediator draft a separation agreement that specifies the new arrangement, which should include joint decisions about things like cohabitation, finances, parenting, and relationships outside the marriage. (For real, though. Get it it writing that you’re gonna see other men. It’s time for you to start getting laid again.)

My ex wants me to give back the gifts he gave me so he can sell them to purchase something for himself, as “he isn’t petty, but needs to start putting himself first.” Thoughts?
Keep the gifts on general principle. (Duh.) If you don’t want the gifts, donate them to charity. Whatever you do, don’t give them back to your ex. Set fire to them in the street before letting him take them back. While you’re at it, cut off all contact with him. He is garbage.

Why do I feel obligated to date a guy just because he likes me?
Because you have a gaping void where your self-worth is supposed to go, and the only way you’ve been taught to fill it is through external validation and compliance.

Has America gone insane enough that I can justify applying for jobs in other countries? I don’t like running away from a fight, but this country seems to be sinking fast.
You never need to justify thinking internationally. Take advantage of every opportunity the world has to offer.

If we don’t sin Jesus died for nothing.
I resent the implication that we owe any kind of moral debt to some fictionalized bronze-age cult leader.

Why does it turn me on to imagine myself watching my boyfriend have sex with another girl?
Because it’s hot.

What advice would you give to someone on the verge of turning 18?
Take control of your personal growth. Don’t get pregnant. Vote.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I’m contemplating practicing Zen Buddhism. As an atheist, I can’t help but wonder if this is problematic.
Stop contemplating practicing and start practicing contemplating. (Also, stop using the word problematic.)

I want to be exclusive. He wants to date me but also date other people. Is there any way to make this work?
Sure, as long as one of you is willing to not get what you want.

I know there is no answer to why we are here. And I’m cool with that. But then when I’m busting my ass at work I often think “why the fuck am I doing this?”
The paycheck, my friend. The paycheck.

Is marriage a patriarchal institution?
It’s the patriarchal institution.

My parents have more or less confirmed that they consider me a disappointment. I’m sad, but I also feel like this is a great opportunity. So, what now?
Fuck ’em. You’re allowed to be disappointed in them too.

Everyone with a “don’t rock the boat” mentality can go fuck themselves.
Okay, but some of us have beverages.

The biggest change I’ve noticed since deciding I wanted to live is that suddenly I’m terrified I’m going to die.
Good. That’s progress.

Oh coke. You’re the only person i can really be honest with. But in the past four years you’ve never answered one of my questions. I guess I know exactly why.
No you don’t. (Thanks for reading.)

How do I heal after being with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder for 8 years?
For starters, quit blaming your emotional condition on someone else’s personality disorder.

Why is it that the only time I feel motivated to change or improve myself is after running into my exes? And why does the feeling never last?
Your self-worth is tied to your romantic relationships, and running into exes is like being slapped in the face with your own inadequacies. The feeling doesn’t last because if you were ever going to have changed, you already would have.

In England (where i’m from) dear can mean expensive. I’ve been reading your title as ‘an expensive chirpse’.
That works too.