Advice

On pause

You’ve been awfully quiet lately. Cat got your tongue?

I’m going through a thing at the moment. It’s a lot. Life in 2020 is super fucking weird. Thank you for your patience.

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109 thoughts on “On pause

  1. James says:

    Hey, take care of yourself. That you’re still here at all is a gift to this cursed year. Take your time, be kind to yourself. We’ll be here when you’re ready.

  2. SisuPseudio says:

    I’ve been so happy to see Coke writing again after so long. But if you’re truly mind boggled as to why she didn’t go back to blogging with a vengeance in this time of turmoil, you’re living in an incredibly comfortable bubble.

  3. a says:

    The whole West Coast feels you. I spent over a week inside, struggling to breathe clean air. Somehow we got through it. I know you will too.

  4. Jake says:

    I’m a hot fucking mess all the time & I’m sorry for flooding your comment section when I’m drudging through old posts @ early AM, but if it’s worth anything, a lot of us were helped through the most difficult times of our life by your writing

    A lot of us wish there was some way we could manifest a perfect life for you, and there’s no way to say this without sounding creepy (sorry) but you’re on a lot of people’s minds, thanks to how you’ve shaped a whole section of the internet’s voice

    When I started reading I was in grade 9 and that means your advice has been with me for just under half my life, now that I’m 25 (soon 26.)

    I was a maladaptive piece of shit who caused drama because he was failing to cope with a rough childhood, which is cliche as fuck. It’s still true, however, and I’ve been working through the trauma I brought on myself as well as the trauma brought in by others.

    You’ve answered a few of my questions, and at one point, helped someone close to me choose life instead of suicide after a work accident that left him partially maimed. I sat him down and told him to write what he felt. He asked if I would leave the room, which took me by surprise.

    A few months later he broke the privacy he asked me to keep, and showed me which question was his. I didn’t know his injuries were more severe than initially presented. Obviously, based on the rest of the submission I had a strong feeling it was him but also (mistakenly) believed he would have told me the full story.

    So I kept it in my head that stranger coincidences happen–after all, he was always the type to trust me and he did go out of his way to make it seem like he needed advice on coping with the injury rather than considering suicide because of how bad it actually was.

    You may be pleased to hear that a high-risk surgery restored function to part of his body and he might have died before you responded to his question.

    As for me, it’s a slightly different story, but it’s one I’m working on by myself minus all the poisonous, defensive posturing which kept me socially isolated until I borrowed your voice and started calling myself out.

    Like I said, I don’t know if this means anything to you.

    If it does, then I hope you find comfort in your ability to share wisdom and soothe human suffering.

    I don’t know who you are or what you’re going through, but you taught me and so many other people “you are not the sum of your burdens.”

    So, if you can manage to in this strange day and age, find as many people who can help you heal from or overcome these challenges.

    Never give up.

    Stay wild.

  5. Annnnna says:

    Well hell, it’s not like the internet is going anywhere unless 2020 doubles down and treats us to a massive solar storm. ttyl <3

    • H says:

      An entitled “(…)who wish to be cared for”, is not a given incentive for someone to update. There is nothing that another person is obliged to give to you, be it an update or a fuck.

    • Mr. Orange says:

      Maybe don’t post a little something… to soothe your hurt feelers that someone is taking appropriate time to care for themselves instead of paying attention to you?

      No one owes you anything. Ever. Especially not someone who has helped SO many for so long. Maybe you didn’t mean to come across all passive-aggressive?

      Try to learn from this experience that you need to take care of yourself, because you never know when the random internet stranger from whom you’ve been receiving comfort suddenly disappears due to… life.

  6. Rudy says:

    Hey Coquette! Just thinking of you. Hope you are well. We got Biden in office, so hopefully that has brought you some comfort. It sure has for me! Thank you for coming back after such a long hiatus throughout 2019 and 2020. Thank you for all your great writing and advice over the years. Popping on here and hitting “Random” is what I do never fails! <3

    • VeryOn says:

      The thing that really kills me is that we wouldn’t have escaped four more without Covid warping our votes back to paper.
      I still think we’re doomed. The virus is already mutating; 17 new variations, some very dangerous.
      Near nothing has been done about global warming. My fear is that warmed soil bacteria will fart us to death while fisheries are depleted and everything burns to the ground.

    • Melissa Enders says:

      Every single post has been saved into a screenshot on my iCloud, spinning around in janky little fireflies swarming sticky sweaty spheres, till the end of the exhalation of the black hole.

      • Melissa Enders says:

        Oh duh, me. Every single post has been saved in these Internet archives floating in the satellites, accessible to alien civilisations.

        I did not need to be obsessive about screenshotting it. The reason I do so is for my own reference. I massively distrust Big Tech as they’ve had the history of erasing information off the Internet.

        • Chris says:

          Sometimes a site just goes offline and with it, all the content. Or the author un-posts.

          If CQ didn’t want to pay the monthly costs of keeping the site up, and doesn’t want to sell it, then we should assume they won’t be here any longer.

          And it will be okay.

          • Melissa Enders says:

            I meant that there are archives stored in our internet satellites, which are linked to that of alien civilisations’.

            There are zero chances of Planet Earth being the first and original planet and civilisation.

            There are zero chances of Planet Earth being the most advanced civilisations.

            Alien planets have the Internet too, albeit invisible to us.

            Our archives are theirs, too.

            Ultimately, everything will be gone, though.

    • Mowemalldown says:

      While there are many idiots having children during a peak global crisis which will never abate — and some of these creatures are even *planning* these kids!! — I doubt coke is that stupid or selfish.

      • Baby Danger says:

        This has been fairly mild, especially given the reach many are putting forth to say it’s a crisis.

        I mean “we lost more people to this than in WWII”. Sure, but less than we lose to smoking-related illnesses every year since about 1970.

        And how many COVID deaths were of people who’ve been smoking 30+ years?

        We’re healthier and stronger than we’ve ever been. If you want kids and can afford to have them, go for it.

          • Mowemalldown says:

            Except eugenics and social darwinism have almost entirely been leaned on to justify racism, classism, ableism, etc, which is beside the point of what I’ve been talking about. Thanks for trying though.

          • Justin Time says:

            “Thanks for trying though”

            Kind of like saying ‘no offense.’

            Nothing like shitting on someone who’s on ur side.

    • Barefootsy says:

      She deleted the main blog as far back as I think February. I’m glad I made one of my 2020 jobs to re-download or reset all the badass playlists she had. Miss it terribly, as I often would go back and read posts. Grateful we had all those years with it, though.

      • Melissa Yan Enders says:

        It’s been redirected. Not deleted.

        It’s been redirected for a reason.

        The same reason the Christmas monkey wasn’t posted for the first time since the blog went online.

        The reason is that there is more to life than pleasure.

        Where’s the underground resistance?

        If you’re reading this, we are all still there. Take the hint. Fight from your own corners.

        (Previously, Jessica Sen.)

        @AiEnders on Twitter
        @melyanenders on Twitter

      • Charlene says:

        Hey! Gah I wish I had your foresight. Would it be alright if you shared the playlists with me somehow? I feel gutted about not having CQ’s playlists for experiences I’ve yet to have and was saving for when the time comes.

        • Barefootsy says:

          Hi! I don’t have Spotify or anything like that, so the sharing isn’t that easy. Hmmm. I could do screencaps and email them to you? They’re not 100% perfect as a very small few I decided not to download or replace with something else I like, but they’re about 98% accurate.

          • Charlene says:

            Yes, please! I’m so glad you saw this, thanks so much for this! <3

            charlene.eunice[at]gmail.com (I'll delete this comment eventually to avoid spam)

            Thanks so much again!

      • Nic says:

        If you see this comment after all of this time, I would love to be able to see those playlist screencaps too! My email address is dublin_soul (at) hotmail.com. Many thanks in advance if you are able to.

        • Barefootsy says:

          Hi! I did see this comment, but I don’t have the screencaps anymore. Sorry about that. I’d suggest replying(/emailing?) Charlene above to see if she still has them.

          Good luck, comrade!

  7. AlwaysMasked says:

    It definitely would be cool to get a status…but she doesn’t owe it to us.
    Much love, even if this is the end.
    <3

    • Justin Time says:

      Have you been watching what’s happening in Portland. Im wondering if she’s among the “ungovernable” who are bear spraying the shit out of each other and just generally fucking shit up.

  8. Barefootsy says:

    Over a year. Damn. I hope she knows she’s missed and loved by many. I wonder if she’s still going through a thing, or if it’s any number of other “things” right now. At any rate, we’re lucky if she ever comes back, and lucky we ever had her at all. She sure helped me over the years, and I’m grateful she gave any of us any time. Thanks, Coq.

  9. I told her this in a submission, but I suspect she feels the same about this project that she feels about LA. I could be wrong, but we’ll see. Or not.

    • Chris says:

      It’s OK that it’s over, but shitty to not just say so.

      It’s reasonable for it to be. She’s not who she used to be, gave us the best she could in that time, left us an opus to refer to, and it’s over. Which is OK.

    • drogba says:

      I suspect she’s changed politically somewhat (or at least realised the idiocy of the antifa/gender obsessive crowd) and the stress of revealing this on the site and meltdowns it would cause is just not worth the bother (and she’d be right)

      • Wendy says:

        I would guess she’s more likely to have remained more or less the same politically, while realizing that times have changed. But we’ll never know for sure until/unless she says so.

      • jessie says:

        I had this exact same hunch. The Coquette and her lifestyle would get ambushed immediately for some low stakes opinion of hers, or at least simply for being “rich and white” lol in this useless internet culture…. and it would be nonsensical stress. Meanwhile, we need more than ever for writers to keep their integrity and not censor themselves during it all. Miss it

      • VeryOn says:

        No.
        She’ll always be against fascism, sexism, and bigotry. You’re a dim bulb to even try putting your pathetic frame around her. If that was supposed to be trolling; equally sad.

        Sorry your politics aren’t worthy.

        • drogba says:

          Well, as has been pointed out, we can’t know for sure. I assure you one can be against fascism, sexism and bigotry without being particularly fond of the extreme aspects of gender identity or antifa types. In fact, it’s ideal. Good luck.

  10. Jay says:

    Hey, I was reading one of the submissions (http://dearcoquette.com/on-settling-too-soon/) and Coke floated the idea of everyone whose question has been answered in the past commenting on their corresponding page re: how everything turned out. I think it’s a pretty neat idea. OK, maybe Coke is too busy right now or no longer is interested in continuing this site, but this is important for too many of us. Maybe we could revive the site a little? Any ideas on how we can organize this shit?

        • An Old OP says:

          Tried to post but couldn’t put a link up. Probably bc CQ isn’t on the site enough to monitor spam links anymore.

          It’s in the 2016 advice, and you can just Ctl+F “former” and you should get it.

    • Barefootsy says:

      I think it’s a lovely idea and I hope others can follow through with it. Would love to do a deep-dive re-read and see what happened to everyone.

      I’d do it myself but she never answered any of mine (not a complaint, just saying that’s what happened – and was just as well, since I figured out all of them on my own.)

  11. H says:

    Please update? Just to let us know that/if you’re okay. We might’ve only met you through our screens, but I know many of us care and wonder.

    • moxy says:

      I was just thinking the same thing.

      I come back to check every month or so in the hopes that there will be an update.

      Take good care, Coke. We care about you.

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