On pause

You’ve been awfully quiet lately. Cat got your tongue?

I’m going through a thing at the moment. It’s a lot. Life in 2020 is super fucking weird. Thank you for your patience.


151 thoughts on “On pause

  1. James says:

    Hey, take care of yourself. That you’re still here at all is a gift to this cursed year. Take your time, be kind to yourself. We’ll be here when you’re ready.

  2. SisuPseudio says:

    I’ve been so happy to see Coke writing again after so long. But if you’re truly mind boggled as to why she didn’t go back to blogging with a vengeance in this time of turmoil, you’re living in an incredibly comfortable bubble.

  3. a says:

    The whole West Coast feels you. I spent over a week inside, struggling to breathe clean air. Somehow we got through it. I know you will too.

  4. Jake says:

    I’m a hot fucking mess all the time & I’m sorry for flooding your comment section when I’m drudging through old posts @ early AM, but if it’s worth anything, a lot of us were helped through the most difficult times of our life by your writing

    A lot of us wish there was some way we could manifest a perfect life for you, and there’s no way to say this without sounding creepy (sorry) but you’re on a lot of people’s minds, thanks to how you’ve shaped a whole section of the internet’s voice

    When I started reading I was in grade 9 and that means your advice has been with me for just under half my life, now that I’m 25 (soon 26.)

    I was a maladaptive piece of shit who caused drama because he was failing to cope with a rough childhood, which is cliche as fuck. It’s still true, however, and I’ve been working through the trauma I brought on myself as well as the trauma brought in by others.

    You’ve answered a few of my questions, and at one point, helped someone close to me choose life instead of suicide after a work accident that left him partially maimed. I sat him down and told him to write what he felt. He asked if I would leave the room, which took me by surprise.

    A few months later he broke the privacy he asked me to keep, and showed me which question was his. I didn’t know his injuries were more severe than initially presented. Obviously, based on the rest of the submission I had a strong feeling it was him but also (mistakenly) believed he would have told me the full story.

    So I kept it in my head that stranger coincidences happen–after all, he was always the type to trust me and he did go out of his way to make it seem like he needed advice on coping with the injury rather than considering suicide because of how bad it actually was.

    You may be pleased to hear that a high-risk surgery restored function to part of his body and he might have died before you responded to his question.

    As for me, it’s a slightly different story, but it’s one I’m working on by myself minus all the poisonous, defensive posturing which kept me socially isolated until I borrowed your voice and started calling myself out.

    Like I said, I don’t know if this means anything to you.

    If it does, then I hope you find comfort in your ability to share wisdom and soothe human suffering.

    I don’t know who you are or what you’re going through, but you taught me and so many other people “you are not the sum of your burdens.”

    So, if you can manage to in this strange day and age, find as many people who can help you heal from or overcome these challenges.

    Never give up.

    Stay wild.

  5. Annnnna says:

    Well hell, it’s not like the internet is going anywhere unless 2020 doubles down and treats us to a massive solar storm. ttyl <3

    • H says:

      An entitled “(…)who wish to be cared for”, is not a given incentive for someone to update. There is nothing that another person is obliged to give to you, be it an update or a fuck.

    • Mr. Orange says:

      Maybe don’t post a little something… to soothe your hurt feelers that someone is taking appropriate time to care for themselves instead of paying attention to you?

      No one owes you anything. Ever. Especially not someone who has helped SO many for so long. Maybe you didn’t mean to come across all passive-aggressive?

      Try to learn from this experience that you need to take care of yourself, because you never know when the random internet stranger from whom you’ve been receiving comfort suddenly disappears due to… life.

  6. Rudy says:

    Hey Coquette! Just thinking of you. Hope you are well. We got Biden in office, so hopefully that has brought you some comfort. It sure has for me! Thank you for coming back after such a long hiatus throughout 2019 and 2020. Thank you for all your great writing and advice over the years. Popping on here and hitting “Random” is what I do never fails! <3

    • VeryOn says:

      The thing that really kills me is that we wouldn’t have escaped four more without Covid warping our votes back to paper.
      I still think we’re doomed. The virus is already mutating; 17 new variations, some very dangerous.
      Near nothing has been done about global warming. My fear is that warmed soil bacteria will fart us to death while fisheries are depleted and everything burns to the ground.

    • Melissa Enders says:

      Every single post has been saved into a screenshot on my iCloud, spinning around in janky little fireflies swarming sticky sweaty spheres, till the end of the exhalation of the black hole.

      • Melissa Enders says:

        Oh duh, me. Every single post has been saved in these Internet archives floating in the satellites, accessible to alien civilisations.

        I did not need to be obsessive about screenshotting it. The reason I do so is for my own reference. I massively distrust Big Tech as they’ve had the history of erasing information off the Internet.

        • Chris says:

          Sometimes a site just goes offline and with it, all the content. Or the author un-posts.

          If CQ didn’t want to pay the monthly costs of keeping the site up, and doesn’t want to sell it, then we should assume they won’t be here any longer.

          And it will be okay.

          • Melissa Enders says:

            I meant that there are archives stored in our internet satellites, which are linked to that of alien civilisations’.

            There are zero chances of Planet Earth being the first and original planet and civilisation.

            There are zero chances of Planet Earth being the most advanced civilisations.

            Alien planets have the Internet too, albeit invisible to us.

            Our archives are theirs, too.

            Ultimately, everything will be gone, though.

    • Mowemalldown says:

      While there are many idiots having children during a peak global crisis which will never abate — and some of these creatures are even *planning* these kids!! — I doubt coke is that stupid or selfish.

      • Baby Danger says:

        This has been fairly mild, especially given the reach many are putting forth to say it’s a crisis.

        I mean “we lost more people to this than in WWII”. Sure, but less than we lose to smoking-related illnesses every year since about 1970.

        And how many COVID deaths were of people who’ve been smoking 30+ years?

        We’re healthier and stronger than we’ve ever been. If you want kids and can afford to have them, go for it.

          • Mowemalldown says:

            Except eugenics and social darwinism have almost entirely been leaned on to justify racism, classism, ableism, etc, which is beside the point of what I’ve been talking about. Thanks for trying though.

          • Justin Time says:

            “Thanks for trying though”

            Kind of like saying ‘no offense.’

            Nothing like shitting on someone who’s on ur side.

    • Barefootsy says:

      She deleted the main blog as far back as I think February. I’m glad I made one of my 2020 jobs to re-download or reset all the badass playlists she had. Miss it terribly, as I often would go back and read posts. Grateful we had all those years with it, though.

      • Melissa Yan Enders says:

        It’s been redirected. Not deleted.

        It’s been redirected for a reason.

        The same reason the Christmas monkey wasn’t posted for the first time since the blog went online.

        The reason is that there is more to life than pleasure.

        Where’s the underground resistance?

        If you’re reading this, we are all still there. Take the hint. Fight from your own corners.

        (Previously, Jessica Sen.)

        @AiEnders on Twitter
        @melyanenders on Twitter

      • Charlene says:

        Hey! Gah I wish I had your foresight. Would it be alright if you shared the playlists with me somehow? I feel gutted about not having CQ’s playlists for experiences I’ve yet to have and was saving for when the time comes.

        • Barefootsy says:

          Hi! I don’t have Spotify or anything like that, so the sharing isn’t that easy. Hmmm. I could do screencaps and email them to you? They’re not 100% perfect as a very small few I decided not to download or replace with something else I like, but they’re about 98% accurate.

          • Charlene says:

            Yes, please! I’m so glad you saw this, thanks so much for this! <3

            charlene.eunice[at] (I'll delete this comment eventually to avoid spam)

            Thanks so much again!

      • Nic says:

        If you see this comment after all of this time, I would love to be able to see those playlist screencaps too! My email address is dublin_soul (at) Many thanks in advance if you are able to.

        • Barefootsy says:

          Hi! I did see this comment, but I don’t have the screencaps anymore. Sorry about that. I’d suggest replying(/emailing?) Charlene above to see if she still has them.

          Good luck, comrade!

  7. AlwaysMasked says:

    It definitely would be cool to get a status…but she doesn’t owe it to us.
    Much love, even if this is the end.

    • Justin Time says:

      Have you been watching what’s happening in Portland. Im wondering if she’s among the “ungovernable” who are bear spraying the shit out of each other and just generally fucking shit up.

  8. Barefootsy says:

    Over a year. Damn. I hope she knows she’s missed and loved by many. I wonder if she’s still going through a thing, or if it’s any number of other “things” right now. At any rate, we’re lucky if she ever comes back, and lucky we ever had her at all. She sure helped me over the years, and I’m grateful she gave any of us any time. Thanks, Coq.

  9. I told her this in a submission, but I suspect she feels the same about this project that she feels about LA. I could be wrong, but we’ll see. Or not.

    • Chris says:

      It’s OK that it’s over, but shitty to not just say so.

      It’s reasonable for it to be. She’s not who she used to be, gave us the best she could in that time, left us an opus to refer to, and it’s over. Which is OK.

    • drogba says:

      I suspect she’s changed politically somewhat (or at least realised the idiocy of the antifa/gender obsessive crowd) and the stress of revealing this on the site and meltdowns it would cause is just not worth the bother (and she’d be right)

      • Wendy says:

        I would guess she’s more likely to have remained more or less the same politically, while realizing that times have changed. But we’ll never know for sure until/unless she says so.

      • jessie says:

        I had this exact same hunch. The Coquette and her lifestyle would get ambushed immediately for some low stakes opinion of hers, or at least simply for being “rich and white” lol in this useless internet culture…. and it would be nonsensical stress. Meanwhile, we need more than ever for writers to keep their integrity and not censor themselves during it all. Miss it

      • VeryOn says:

        She’ll always be against fascism, sexism, and bigotry. You’re a dim bulb to even try putting your pathetic frame around her. If that was supposed to be trolling; equally sad.

        Sorry your politics aren’t worthy.

        • drogba says:

          Well, as has been pointed out, we can’t know for sure. I assure you one can be against fascism, sexism and bigotry without being particularly fond of the extreme aspects of gender identity or antifa types. In fact, it’s ideal. Good luck.

  10. Jay says:

    Hey, I was reading one of the submissions ( and Coke floated the idea of everyone whose question has been answered in the past commenting on their corresponding page re: how everything turned out. I think it’s a pretty neat idea. OK, maybe Coke is too busy right now or no longer is interested in continuing this site, but this is important for too many of us. Maybe we could revive the site a little? Any ideas on how we can organize this shit?

        • An Old OP says:

          Tried to post but couldn’t put a link up. Probably bc CQ isn’t on the site enough to monitor spam links anymore.

          It’s in the 2016 advice, and you can just Ctl+F “former” and you should get it.

    • Barefootsy says:

      I think it’s a lovely idea and I hope others can follow through with it. Would love to do a deep-dive re-read and see what happened to everyone.

      I’d do it myself but she never answered any of mine (not a complaint, just saying that’s what happened – and was just as well, since I figured out all of them on my own.)

  11. H says:

    Please update? Just to let us know that/if you’re okay. We might’ve only met you through our screens, but I know many of us care and wonder.

    • moxy says:

      I was just thinking the same thing.

      I come back to check every month or so in the hopes that there will be an update.

      Take good care, Coke. We care about you.

  12. Kym says:

    This is definitely going to sound weird, but I am genuinely worried about and miss some one I have never met.

    I hope you are well and enjoying life where ever you and what ever you are doing.

    • Chris says:

      Really nothing new. It’s just that we originally knew him as the guy who did things we liked or ignored. PayPal for easy payments; Tesla for pretending your car is good for the environment; smoking pot so that we think he’s just like us.

      On the bright side we’re seeing that Twitter was as jacked up as we thought. No surprise since Jack Dorsey has always been terrible at business. They originally created the position of Chairman of the Board to make sure he didn’t do any actual work. He’d just make PowerPoint presentations for meetings once a month, and be given thick pages of financial information he didn’t understand, but was too embarrassed to say so. They even hired a guy to basically be his tutor, and that guy was like, “you gotta get rid of this kid.”

  13. Jay says:

    Hey, fellow commenters, I have a question for y’all. Do you have recommendations for other sites you like to visit? I used to love Jezebel back in its golden age, and I frequented DearCoquette, too, but I just realized that I’m again at that crossroads in my life where I lost some of my favorite pop culture staples but haven’t yet stumbled upon the new stuff. If you guys have any recommendations, I would be stoked to try them out!

    I hope each and every one of you is out there living the lives you want for yourselves. And I hope, wherever she is, Coke is staying wild. Love you guys!

    • Nodding Off says:

      For more fun sites I enjoy The Cut, Noisey by Vice, and Interview magazine, Foreign Policy for world news and affairs, Avaunt magazine and Conde Nast Traveler for what I find to be intriguing travel stories. What interests do you have? Are there any sites I suggested that meet the criteria you’re searching for?

  14. I check back here every once in a while, worried that the site might have been deleted. I’m always relieved to see it’s still up.

    Coke’s moved on to new things, but the fact that Dear Coquette exists for now tells me it still has a place in her heart. And, surely, so do we.

  15. Camille says:

    You’ve answered two of my questions in the past in ways that I appreciated. I either was a complete fuck up or just working with what I had. I’m 38 years old now and everything more or less worked out the way it should have. Thanks.

  16. Kym says:

    I keep coming back here for… well actually I don’t know. Maybe an update, or just to see if the site is still here.

    Where ever you are, what ever you are doing, I hope you are happy.

  17. Toast says:

    I hope you are well.

    You have done a lot for a lot of people. If there is anything we can do for you please let us know.

  18. Breanna from Formspring says:

    Coke once posted she would like to live without shame. And, considering she, as an adult, instigated a digital lynch mob against a then teenager, including gleeful boasts of “bringing down the hammer”, once she’d enticed many followers to harass this girl so badly that as Coke bragged, “she fell off the face of the Internet”, and that content was only removed from this website after the publication of its companion book, I assume because of the optics in the present era, you would hope she’d at least cringe.

      • Breanna from Formspring says:

        Try to find a cache of this page from the no-longer-online personal blog, as the posts relating to this topic have been removed from this blog and you’ll see where Coke talks of this teenager, who wrote Formspring answers to the questions we submitted and which were posted to Dear Coke Talk/Coquette, and correlates her actions with those of someone who actually plagiarized Coke’s responses: Jessica Bari, on her also-defunct site, Rationalize Anything. Funny thing is, you’d have thought if Coke had a legal leg to stand on, copyright infringement-wise, she’d have requested Formspring remove the allegedly stolen content instead of, as an adult, instigating bullying against and harassment of a literal teenager, and then having the gauche temerity to brag about that conduct.

        I’m sure we all, back then, signed our rights to own our written content to Tumblr, to use as they wished when agreeing to terms of account creation, not to an anonymous entity we submitted our writings to through an ‘ask box’. It raises the question, depending on where we’re based in the world, don’t we own the copyright to what we wrote as questions and as such, are entitled to receive a portion of the royalties from the publication of the best of Dear Coquette. Small wonder in its first pages the author refers to the artifact as ‘our book’.

  19. Not CQ says:

    Your question should be who are you? I’m someone using the email to leave this, and the above, comment. Try it, you’ll see anyone can write a comment using that email address, and CQ will show up if you enter that name in the appointed box.

  20. Celio says:


    I came across your blog at 14, and now I’m about to be 28. You taught me so much about life, and importantly, you introduced me to international politics. Sometimes, I search “Palestine” on your website to find some comforting words. I wish we had your voice of reason right now because the monsters are definitely thriving. But I’m trying. I unionized my job and organized a strike — I’m fighting as hard as I can.

    Thank you for hearing me out. I hope you’re doing well.

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