Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why do you support Kamala? She’s a prosecutor and doesn’t support Medicare For All. I’ll vote for her, but why the verve in your support for her? I understand people are divided on this and I’d love some clarity here.
Kamala literally had a Medicare-for-all plan, so you’re just plain wrong about that. That’s not why I support her, though. When I vote for a candidate, I’m voting for a living, breathing person, not a policy agenda, and certainly not a resume. I know Kamala to be a good person. Genuinely. She is strong, she is brilliant, and she is righteous. That’s why she has my support. I’m voting for Biden because I want Trump out, but I’m voting for Kamala because I want her in. The sooner the better.

I just got divorced and I dipped my toes back into dating. Just as disappointing as I remembered. Being attracted to men is the fucking worst, what do you do when your dating pool seems to be full of dipshits? I love my life otherwise, my ex and I are pretty amicable so i don’t necessarily think I’m bitter because divorce, but maybe because the reality of dating not being great.
You’ve got a super shitty attitude. That’s it. That’s your problem. You don’t have to be bitter about the divorce to fall into stale patterns from a previous phase of life, and that’s what’s happening. Your reality of dating is clouded by a bunch of negative beliefs. You’ve been on what? Two dates? Three? You don’t get to complain yet. Change up your game. Change your fucking attitude. You’ll be fine.

I just learned that I have a disorganized attachment style. I don’t know what to do with this, and my therapist doesn’t seem to either. Am I fucked?
No, you’re not fucked. Put in some hard work. Grow. Change. You can do it, and if your therapist doesn’t know how to help you, then it’s time to get another therapist. 

What are your thoughts on Carl Jung’s concept of synchronicity? I go back and forth between interpreting it as a profound metaphysical phenomenon and a kooky croc pot theory.
The term is crackpot, not croc pot. Jung’s Synchronicity is not profound. It’s just pure woo-woo nonsense. The concept is useful poetically, but it has no business being confused with actual metaphysics. It’s fine, though. Brilliant and important thinkers often hold ridiculous beliefs that set them in time. Issac Newton was big into alchemy. Synchronicity was just Jung’s alchemy.

Is the experience of moving out worth the financial cost? I’m 22, get on pretty well with my parents, and live within close distance of both my university and my part-time job. Recently however, a close friend has asked if I wished to move out with her, and I’m wondering if I’m potentially turning down an opportunity for self-growth.
You would most certainly be turning down an opportunity for self growth, but that doesn’t mean it’s worth the financial cost. You have to make that call yourself. Do the actual math on how much money you will save or spend in both scenarios. Create two monthly budgets that extend for a year beyond your graduation. Make a pros and cons list for moving out now. Make a pros and cons list for moving out after you graduate and get a full-time job. Sit with it all, and then make a decision.

Hey. I reached out to your Twitter DMs a few years ago and you were really kind and encouraged me to find a therapist. Thanks. I’m doing a lot better. I’m in school to be a teacher, and I’m engaged to my best friend. I going to be an aunt soon. Things are good. Mostly. So yeah, thanks for pushing me to find someone to talk to. It’s made a hell of a difference.
Hell yeah. Everyone should be in therapy.

“but it’s never to late to reject your programming” – you’re holding a mirror, dear.
I am well aware of my self-reflexivity.

Is your advice getting worse? Or am I just getting older?
My advice is getting better, and you are getting older.

Can a person be too hot to date?
Not for me.

Standard

73 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

    • CQ says:

      Yeah, “had.” Are you stupid? Or are you just pretending not to understand the difference between a Presidential and Vice-Presidential candidate for funsies?

      • Grey says:

        She waffled and walked back on Medicare for all long before she dropped out of the race, or are you just pretending that wasn’t the case for funsies?

  1. Sam says:

    Thanks for answering my question. That article you linked is from a news outlet beholden to corporate interests, and the plan outlined is not Medicare For All; the title in disingenuous. Also, her position has changed since then. Can you explain the merit in voting for someone’s character over their policies? How can someone be a “good person” and choose to be a prosecutor over a defense attorney? I’m still confused here.

    • CQ says:

      “A news outlet beholden to corporate interests.” You sound like a fucking child. I really can’t take you seriously at this point. There’s no way to say this without sounding patronizing, but I really mean it: Grow up. Until you’re coloring with a few more crayons, there’s no point in me explaining how the world really works, but here are the answers to your questions: Her position as the VP candidate has changed because it’s not her position. It’s Biden’s now. That’s how this works. Always vote for a person’s character over their policies. Policies shift like sand and are subject to the whims of democracy. Choose someone with integrity, and their character will always be stable and forthright. As for the prosecution versus the defense, there are good and bad attorneys on both sides of our adversarial system. Good prosecutors cash out and become high priced defense attorneys every day. Great prosecutors become progressive District Attorneys and go on to change the system for the better from the inside. That’s Kamala. Her prosecutorial record was progressive in its own time. So was her record as DA. It may not seem progressive enough by today’s standards, but that’s your problem, not hers. Have you watched The West Wing lately? Those characters were flaming liberals 20 years ago when the show first aired. They all sound like Republicans now. That’s why it’s called progress, my friend, so how about you cut some slack to the people who’ve spent their entire lives fighting on the front lines of our political system to effect all this long-term change. You can start with Kamala Harris.

      • Grey says:

        “Vote for character not policy.”

        That is literally the opposite of what you should do. What in the world would make you think you can read the real character of someone whose main job it is to sell an image of themselves to you? The only concrete basis on which you have to judge is their policy and their previous actions. Kamala’s previous actions reveal a history of cynical careerism built on putting marginalized people into prison.

        This has always been the problem with your saccharine west wing sentimentalism about politics. You talk like you’re hard but it’s you who needs to grow up and stop pontificating and scolding others because you have been consistently and objectively wrong in your political predictions again and again and again. Considering the tone you’ve struck here over the years one would expect you to display some humility, reflect on your failures, and change your opinion instead of doubling down and acting like a sanctimonious asshole.

          • Grey says:

            Pithy but meaningless. If that’s the case then you’re just looking at one former good ol’boy turned deranged jabbering fool whose lifetime of work has done nothing but sell america out to corporate interests, and a careerist liar whose character consists of selling her community down the river for personal gain. In that case their policies certainly do reflect their characters and vice versa.

    • Chris says:

      I imagine if someone you loved was murdered you wouldn’t think “that defense attorney is doing the good work, but this prosecutor is pure evil.”

      If you want to hate Senator Harris’ tenure as DA, then do so on the idea that she was a pot smoker putting pot smokers in jail, and that she fought against innocent people being let out after conviction.

      https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/17/opinion/kamala-harris-criminal-justice.html

      Please forgive the link. It’s to a publication that sells ad space to major corporate interests.

  2. Sam says:

    And I know it’s possible to be a progressive prosecutor but she wasn’t. The reason why I’m asking is, everyone openly shits on Biden, but they’re acting like Kamala is some great fucking thing, and I honestly don’t understand why. I’m relatively new to politics, and it seems pretty clear so far that “good person” should equal “socialist” if you’re a politician. I’ve always liked your voice… What am I missing?

    • CQ says:

      You’re missing nuance, perspective, and general understanding of how the world really works. I’ve addressed your concerns about Kamala’s progressive bonafides in my previous comment, so I’ll skip to the part where you brazenly equate “good person” with “socialist.” That’s fucking bonkers. Really insane stuff. Socialism isn’t a magical cure for all of our country’s problems, and capitalism isn’t the naked evil you probably believe it to be. A socialist can be just as evil, stupid, and destructive as a capitalist. For a system like ours to work, it has to be a blend of socialism and capitalism. Everyone with a clue already knows this. The real battle is over the percentages and how to get the mix right. Sure, I want to drag our system leftward into more socialism, but that shit takes decades of painfully slow progress born of brutal compromise. There is no room for purists. They only get in the way. You can live on the far edge of the political spectrum if you want, but when you start acting all rigid and sanctimonious about it, we’re gonna have problems. I’m lefty as fuck, economically socialist, and super into personal freedoms, but I also know better than to be a purist about any of it, and I sure as hell know that being a purist doesn’t make you a good person. Your political identity isn’t what makes you good. A good person has integrity and strength of character. They are filled empathy and compassion for their fellow man. They find purpose in improving the lives of others. That’s a good person.

      • Sam says:

        Thanks so much for all this info. So you think incrementalism is the way to go, right? But I can understand the argument that incrementalism is too conservative and what we really need is a radical fuck no in the streets, demanding medicare for all and higher wages, all of it, right now. I’ve heard it’s possible that if enough people get out there, the government has to listen because we actually have more power than them – so why wouldn’t we do it? What do you think about that?

        • Sam says:

          Also, can you reference any examples of a mature socialist being evil, stupid, or destructive through their politics? Want to make sure I know that side of things, thanks.

          • Sam says:

            For a little bit more context (hopefully I can convince you I’m only here to learn): I’m working class and didn’t go to college, so there are huge gaps in what I know, and I do my best. I’ve been reading your blog for over a decade, and it’s pretty much the only cultural thing that I’ve ever checked on the internet, besides Facebook and now Twitter, so writing into you wasn’t a whim; I’ve thought a lot about this. I started getting confused when I noticed that your politics are different from mine. (Not that we agree on everything, but I thought politics were easy, it’s like: just do the thing that’s best for the people.) I’m aware that I’m shamefully late to the game, but I can’t really afford to not help out at this point, and I don’t want to be out there talking crap. I appreciate your time.

          • Chris says:

            Sam, I bet if you look up ‘Socialist President who got kicked out of office’ you’ll find some stuff about leaders who broke the law, stole, cheated, etc.

            I think of myself as both a socialist and a libertarian.

            For example, I’ll give a stranger a ride somewhere and buy him food, but I’m not as likely to give him money. Alternatively, I’d not just give my kids a ride, but a vehicle and a job if possible.

            With family, I’m a socialist. With strangers, I’m a libertarian.

            Am I flawed? Absolutely. But is there a good mix? Maybe.

      • Pensive says:

        I agree with much of what you’re saying and don’t believe in ideological purism. But painfully slow progress borne of compromise has been the M.O. of progressives for so long, and it’s part of why we are where we are. The problem is crazy right-wing ideologues who shift the Overton window into infrared; then people compromise themselves towards something that pretends to be “centrist” but is really destructive right-wing capitalist nonsense.

        “You always told me ‘It takes time.’ It’s taken my father’s time, my mother’s time, my uncle’s time, my brothers’ and my sisters’ time. How much time do you want for your progress?”
        -James Baldwin

        And perhaps most importantly – we simply don’t have the time anymore. None of us has time for incremental progress. Climate change isn’t waiting patiently for us to get our shit together.

      • Comrade Fucknuts says:

        Ditto-ish with Sam,

        Please for the love of christ can CQ or someone else unpack, “capitalism isn’t the naked evil you probably believe it to be. A socialist can be just as evil, stupid, and destructive as a capitalist. For a system like ours to work, it has to be a blend of socialism and capitalism.”

        • Kole says:

          There will always be humans who find ways to sequester power for themselves no matter what the system is. Infusing capitalism and socialism into any economy can be done to check and balance their ability to do so. Purism gets in the way of that.

        • Grey says:

          Any person in power can be corrupt or inept regardless of their ideology.

          As for the rest, coquette is mislabelling as socialism what is actually just amelioration of the worst aspects of capitalism through things like guaranteed individual freedoms, legislation protecting workers, gauranteed minimum wage, etc. etc. This seems to be a very common misunderstanding among Americans.

          I’ll try to simplify, but in reality capitalism and socialism are fundamentally irreconcilable economic systems based on diametrically opposed ideological principles.

          Capitalism is driven by the expropriation of labour from workers in return for wages to produce commodities which are then sold for profit. In this system the tiny “bourgeoisie” elite own the means of production (factories, businesses, etc.) and everyone else works for them. They skim all of the cream and everyone else gets the scraps from their table, even though the workers are the people creating the vast majority of the value of the commodities being sold.

          In a socialist system the idea is that workers own the means of production collectively (factories, businesses) and directly reap the reward of their labour and are thus not beholden to others for their livelihood or at the tender mercies of people like Bezos. So, in a mega company like amazon you wouldn’t have bezos collect the profit from the production, sale, and distribution of amazon product just because he was the one who licensed the company making him the “owner”, it would be the people who create the value of the company themselves, the workers, who reap the equitable distribution of wealth created by their labour.

          In a “blended” system like what coquette is talking about, you would not fundamentally disrupt the boss/worker relationship, you would continue to allow wealth to flow up to people like Bezos, but their income for example would be taxed at a higher rate, so that the state can redistribute it ostensibly to improve the living conditions of the majority of people through social and infrastructure programs.

          Make what you will of whether you think that a socialist world is possible or even desireable, but don’t make the mistake of thinking the two can ever be complementary blended with each other. They can’t be reconciled because they’re built on fundamentally different relations of power between people from each other.

          You should never make the mistake of thinking that augmentation of capitalism can change the fundamental relations of power in a system. That’s not to say it’s not worth fighting for that if you think it’s better to mitigate harm than do nothing, but it is definitionally not socialism.

          If you agree with the Marxist analysis of calitalism, then the conclusion you would draw from seeing succesful harm mitigation policies would be that capitalism is changing itself in order to allow its fundamental logic to play out: the profit motive creating the need for constant growth, and the spread of capitalism across the globe in search of new markets because the continued creation of profit is based on the goods being produced finding markets at which to be sold. If you think that unchecked growth is going to kill the planet through environmental destruction, then you must come to the conclusion that no matter how much you improve conditions for workers through amelioration, you will fail to stop the destruction of the planet due to continued unchecked growth. I think you can see from that example how nonsensical it is to talk about a “middle point” between the two. It’s just apples and oranges.

  3. Emotionally Twelve says:

    “Make a pros and cons list for moving out after you graduate and get a full-time job” bold of you to assume I’ll be able to get a full-time job after graduation.

    But no, in all seriousness, thank you very much for answering my question. I’ve done the maths, and it looks like things could work out financially whether I stay at home until graduation or decide to move out now.

    The only concern now is transport considerations and whether or not my friend and I might get under each other’s skin after moving in – but I suppose that’s the very moment that necessitates self-growth to begin with.

    • getmeoutofhere says:

      Can I please ask you and any/every other appropriate person reading this:

      If you’re in your 20’s and still living at home, do you just not like having sex? How do you ever get laid or spend the night with someone? I’ve been living on my own since I was legally able to, as I learned when I was a teenager that until I have my own place, sex=faking orgasms in my car while trying to watch for cops. I’d kill myself before going back to that, so it boggles my mind when people (including my own cousins) seem perfectly comfortable masturbating in their childhood bedroom until they’re almost 30.

      • Rocket Grunt says:

        I lived at home until age 20. Reasonable parents realize that when their offspring become legally adults, they have no business in their kids’ bedrooms. Not all parents are reasonable, but the ones that are tend to be worth living with to avoid financial issues.

          • Rocket Grunt says:

            I’m sorry your dad was listening on the other side of the door when you masturbated, but not everyone’s parents are creeps.

          • jane says:

            @rocket grunt:

            Unless your parents are rich and you’re living in their big-ass house because you’re a spoiled brat who can’t get comfortable in your own small 1-bedroom apartment, your parents hear you having sex, regardless of whether they try to listen or not. Next time you’re home alone, turn every noisy device off, play some porn at various volumes, and take a walk around your house. Unless you live in your own wing of the house, I guarantee you have a lot less privacy than you think,and your parents are completely aware that you’re fucking/masturbating. Just because they “aren’t listening” doesn’t mean they don’t hear you and likely want to vomit at the thought of you.

          • whoami says:

            Jane you sound like you were traumatized by puritan parents with a dried out sex life. that’s sad but your hindsights on communal living are shit

        • jane says:

          Also, what parents “have no business” in their 20 year old kids rooms? You realize that it’s THEIR house, right? And that you’re walking adult strangers they don’t know through their house to get to the one room you think of as yours for the sole purpose of fucking, even though it’s not your room, you don’t own it, and you have no legal rights.

          Your parents sound like morons, and judging by your logic, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

          • Rocket Grunt says:

            I really don’t understand why you insist on insulting me because I spent a couple extra years at my parents’ place and had boyfriends. I don’t understand why you’re so angry at me for not being miserable in my late teens. I had reasonable parents who treated me like an adult, and I’m sorry you didn’t have the same experience.

          • Rocket Grunt says:

            I’m coming back to this dead conversation because I’m not past all your low blows and insane rage. I stayed home an extra two years because my dad was dying (the dad you implied had incestuous interest in me). I stayed because I actually felt safe at home since my violent personality-disordered sister moved out, and I could finally have quiet time with my parents. My brother moved in after dad died to be there for my mom when she grieved, so by your logic he’s a spoiled brat who didn’t want to live in his one bedroom apartment.

            Go get a rake and shove it up your chlamydia-ridden cunt, you raging bitch. I hope you get something permanent from one of those creeps you meet on Craigslist.

          • Rocket Grunt says:

            And fuck you for calling my parents morons. My dad cried on his last day because he wouldn’t get to see me continue to grow into an adult, but according to you he’s a moron for letting me live there before he died. You’re a miserable piece of shit who’s mad because other people aren’t unlovable assholes like you.

          • Tanya says:

            Oh look, Jane’s back and she changed her name because she’s a coward. Cutting response, by the way. Is that honestly the best you could come up with?

          • Jane says:

            @ROCKET GRUNT

            I’m not a coward, I’m genuinely convinced you’re mentally ill and I don’t want to further traumatize you. The extent to which you took this conversation so personal, so quick, and immediately lashed out and couldn’t stop spewing the argumentative equivalents of death wishes to a stranger on the internet who knows nothing about you or your situation, acting as thought I’m a psychic individual who knew and somehow was actually cursing your dead parent — I mean, I get it, it’s 2020, a toddler is president, maga trolls have conditioned us all to argue like children, and this is a thread about children who have trouble leaving their parents, but yeah. I know you. I’ve met you before. I’m staying far away this time. I hope you find the help you need, and I genuinely recommend therapy.

          • Tanya says:

            @Jane

            I’m not rocket grunt, but I’m just gonna say

            You’re making these snide remarks about people arguing like children when at rocket grunt’s first minor disagreement with you you told her her parents were morons and her apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

            It’s funny that you’re talking disparagingly about Trump, because from your attitude and argument style you certainly come across as a supporter of his.

            Oh, and you *are* a coward, by the way. I hope someday you get the help you need to work on that.

          • Rocket Grunt says:

            Jane had the decency to stop six days ago. I stopped six days ago because verbally hurting other people didn’t make me hurt any less. The conversation is over.

          • Tanya says:

            More stale comebacks from the sad, crusty little cupcake shitting herself on the internet. Oh, Jane. Keep voting Trump and keep taking pages out of his book. Your friends love you, your husbands all loved you (as long as you made enough money and kept a flashy enough Independent Lifestyle to attract them in the first place). Everyone loves you! You’re doing great, and really showing all of us young people. Stay fresh, babe!

          • Tanya says:

            And @rocket grunt, she stopped *three days ago, per the time stamp on her post where she called you insane for standing up for yourself and your parents. Three, and there was nothing decent about it.

      • EK says:

        “Let’s go to your place, I’m living at my parents’ these days.”
        “Ah, that makes sense because it is increasingly common these days for living alone to be economically infeasible.”
        “Yes, not to mention I and many of my peers tend to profoundly value this last chance to co-exist with our parents as autonomous people prior to watching them age and decline.”
        “That is a good point, however I myself am living with my parents for similar reasons plus it’s so much easier to do laundry. Shall we dip into our small amount of disposable income, which would be nonexistent if we were independently paying rent, to split a hotel room?”
        “Indeed. Let us depart.”

        • jane says:

          Yeah I’ve known exactly 1 person ever who “wanted to spend more time” with her mother. Her mother complained to my mother that something was wrong with her daughter and she needed to kick her out from ages 18-28. Her mother moved across the country to get some space and a fresh start. Her daughter followed her and moved nearby, a couple hours away because her mother banned her from moving into her town.

          Also, anyone worth dating would have laughed in my face if I told them I still lived with my parents. At 19. At 23. And beyond. As a woman who prides herself on her independence and self-reliance, the last thing I needed then or now is for a partner to see me as a child unable to take care of themselves who still freeloads off mommy and daddy (because thats exactly what everyone says about you behind your back).

          I mean, I get it. During the last recession I HAD to move back home. And it was the lowest point in my life and the only men who’d fuck me were creeps I was too good for who ended up dumping ME, telling me they didn’t think we were in the same place in our lives afterwards. And one gave me chlamydia. As soon as I moved out I seemed to be right back to attracting a higher caliber of people, especially men who didn’t prefer childlike, dumb, helpless women. Just don’t fool yourself that any excuse is reasonable or acceptable for why you’re avoiding adult responsibilities, and don’t pretend that avoiding said adult responsibilities doesn’t come with repercussions, such as not reaping the benefits of adult independence & respect from your peers.

          • Rocket Grunt says:

            For someone who lived at home as an adult and paraded creepy men through your parents’ house, you’re quite critical of young adults who live with their parents.

          • Ojoy blood says:

            Jane! Damn! You are one judgemental fucking cunt. Especially since you, at the lowest point in your life, felt totally fine using your situation to justify trawling for chlamydia-ridden gutter hobos.

            You know what some of us would rather do, when we have no choice but to move back in with our parents because, despite working two full-time jobs, we still can’t afford rent and to feed our families? We take a fucking break from dating. We realize that we’re at a low point and maybe we aren’t entitled to sex so we can just suck it the fuck up for a little while. And maybe if all we can attract at the moment are creeps, then the best course of action would be to have the integrity and strength to leave off the whole “bringing creeps back to our host’s home” thing and, idk, work on our own cunty selves for a minute.

            Also quite bold of you to assume that these people freeload off their parents and don’t do anything to contribute and make their lives better. Also, it doesn’t mean that our new pastime is “spending Friday nights on the couch” with them. It is actually possible to live parallel lives in that situation, and again, I’m sorry you couldn’t manage that when you were at your lowest.

            Your one friend who stalked her mom has problems. Then again, you sound like you don’t naturally attract good company unless you’re in a transactional relationship, so it’s reasonable for me to assume that you haven’t spent a lot of time in good, non-creepy company in your life. Your friend who stalked her mother to the point where she was “forbidden ” to move to the same town as her mom? Yeah. She wasn’t raised right and that behavior is not the norm. Just so you know.

            There are ways to be down and out and working on improving your situation without being helpless, childlike and entitled. Just because you couldn’t manage it doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t.

          • whoami says:

            Jane or whatever, people don’t do “i run a business in the 80s” levels of coke anymore. cut that shit out

          • Akelet says:

            Why do you think your experiences are universal, Jane? I think that’s the part that’s making you sound like a bit of an idiot. You’re making broad declarations of what living with one’s parents automatically means or implies and are convinced that anyone who disagrees is in denial. That’s not a sign of intelligence. It’s not a particularly compelling argument. It’s also giving me major secondhand embarrassment that you said “I’ve known exactly one person who….” and then expected anyone to take what came after seriously. I mean, who could argue with that incontrovertible statistic? /s

            There are many cultures in which living with your parents after a certain age reflects positively on your independence and capability, because it it culturally implies that you have become their caretaker. As someone who is bicultural myself I run in circles with people who see it as a badge of honor when someone with a few years of adulthood under their belt says that they’ve moved back into their parents home and have allowed their parents to retire. And there are plenty of people who live with their parents because they’re lazy and psychologically incapable of progressing past their childhood. But the only thing known for certain is that someone living with their parents doesn’t universally imply anything about their independence, respectability, and all those other things that you’re convinced they reflect. So: even though you’re a little narrow-minded and judgmental, you’re incorrect in assuming that people universally share your opinion, even if you have a WHOLE lifetime of experiences that would support that assumption. That’s still just *your* lifetime.

            And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why you sound so angry. In the gentlest way possible: therapy? You don’t have to do everything alone.

          • K says:

            This is pretty uniquely American btw. In Australia, it’s totally normal to live with your parents until you get a full time job. No excuse needed! It’s a luxury to have great familial relationships and rent paid in a country where property prices are insane.

      • wishiknew says:

        I’m an unemployed 29-year old with a very employable university degree, who is just failing away at lots of unknown things. I live with my parents because I don’t have money, but even if I did have a job, then I don’t know whether I would want to pay half my salary to live in a small, lonely box in some other place, in the times of COVID. I miss the summers I got to spend working in the nearby city.

        Sex – I have never had any and possibly never will. It’s just life, life sucks and then you die.

    • Tessa says:

      Hey just to respond to you, but whenever I had roommates, I really made sure we were on the same page about shit. Talk about handling bills, shared groceries, household chores or just general cleaning styles, night owls vs early birds, if they have a gf who will be over all the time etc. If it’s your friend, it doesn’t have to be some big deep thing, but just get on the same page or figure out how to meet in the middle. Otherwise things can get real heated real fast with resentment.

      • Emotionally Twelve says:

        Oh cheers for the advice ! Yeah, no fortunately we’re both relatively organised and upfront individuals, so setting down agreed rules and organising a chore roster shouldn’t be a problem. Although admittedly, I’m still slightly timid about moving in as I’ve heard so many stories of people who’ve supposedly ruined their relationship with a close friend after moving in, despite have a system/rules in place? Perhaps they’re an exaggeration however, or maybe the communication was never two-sided to begin with?

    • Chris says:

      If you go to USAJobs.gov you’ll find a lot of job postings for full-time, entry level positions with benefits. You can search based on a certain zip code, or, if you’ve been saving then you can really seek out some interesting opportunities by being willing to go anywhere.

      Also, in addition to doing something like helping hurricane victims by working for FEMA, or processing disability claims through the Social Security Administration, you could join the military, which would not only set you up with a place to live that might be shitty (Mississippi) or awesome (Japan), but when you get out 4 years later you’ll have a shit-ton of college money to go to law school, business school, trade school, med school, teacher’s school, etc.

  4. Emotionally Twelve says:

    “If you’re in your 20’s and still living at home, do you just not like having sex?” Yes. Sex? Ew, gross.

    In all seriousness though, I think it depends on your individual needs and long-term goals. Some of my friends who regularly hook-up, do recreational drugs etc, would go crazy staying with their parents. Others, such as myself, who enjoy spending their Friday nights reading or going out with friends, are pretty content living at home. That might sound like a monotonous hell for some people, but it works for me.

    Likewise, while I’ve known some people to stay with their parents til their late twenties out of a general lack of direction or financial dependence, I’ve known others to stay at home to either financially support their parents or save up enough money for a down payment on a house after moving out.

    Not that having a sex life and having financial goals are somehow mutually exclusive of course, but as Coquette has previously said, living with your parents comes with the price of dignity (although not in all cases) and privacy, which can seem like fair price for some depending on their needs and place in life.

    Nonetheless, I’ve known plenty of people living at home to have an active sex life too, there’s ways around it that don’t necessitate wanking your partner furiously off in a desolated car park either.

    • jane says:

      “as Coquette has previously said, living with your parents comes with the price of dignity”

      yeah, that’s EXACTLY the point – what is your dignity worth to you? wasting your youth and health on the couch every friday night with your parents? That would bankrupt me of all dignity.

      “Nonetheless, I’ve known plenty of people living at home to have an active sex life too, there’s ways around it that don’t necessitate wanking your partner furiously off in a desolated car park either.”

      And that was my exact question: HOW? One person mentioned hotel rooms. You can pay rent on your own place for the cost of 4 hotel rooms a month in most cities. So if you have sex more than once a week, you’re wasting money.

      The only other options are to sneak your partner in your room like a teenager, stain your friends bedsheets, try not to get caught having public sex, and/or accept that you rarely have sex and even more rarely get the opportunity to spend the night with someone you love, or maybe are just really into.

      Living with your parents as an adult, for anything longer than a temporary year or two, will drastically hinder your ability to develop into an independent responsible, self-sufficient adult with your own life and healthy romantic relationships. It will also affect how much your peers respect you, even if they don’t say it to your face.

      • Anna says:

        Reasonable adults accept that other adults have sex, and understand that what a couple does in a private bedroom isn’t any of their business. My parents have a loving, physically affection, sexually active relationship. It would be strange for them not want the same for me. They didn’t raise me with the expectation to wait until marriage to be sexually.
        I think it’s quite immature to be embarrassed by the fact your parents have sex, and vice versa.
        (Oh, and I’ve never lived in a mansion or heard my parents have sex; I’m pretty sure they haven’t heard me either).

        Furthermore, a lot of us get along with our parents and our partner’s parents – and enjoy spending the evening with them over dinner (yes, even on a Friday night!) or even a holiday together. Many people find dignity investing in relationships with members of their family. How insecure do you have to be to care about what your close-minded peers (who obviously don’t have enough imagination to allow for cultural differences or economic constraints) think ?

      • person says:

        If you can’t accept sexuality as a healthy and normal human experience that your parents engage in, how the fuck are you gonna change their diapers when they’re infirm (which is much more demeaning, and much more gross)?

        I stayed with my parents for a few years after college. I struggled a lot with mental health, and those years were invaluable to me. I may have been judged behind my back, but I’m fairly certain it wasn’t by my friends. My coworkers probably did, but looking at where we all are now, I’m fairly confident I live a healthier life with healthier relationships than they do.

        I grew a strong relationship with my parents that my teenage years could never have provided, I grew a healthy relationship with myself that has served as a bedrock for the rest of my life, and it was financially responsible. So many cultures do this; its sad that westerners can’t seem to appreciate the benefits.

        Also, freeloading is really a stretch. Sure, some people might. Not my business, not your business. With my parents, there was something implicit but not transactional in the whole experience. They treated me with love and respect and gave me a home while I needed it, and one day I’ll take care of them when they need it. No child gets to choose their parents, and no child is obligated to keep them in their life. If the parent puts a term limit on their affection, why shouldn’t the child? Maybe that’s why so many old people are left to rot in nursing homes – stewing in their own shit and eating plastic garbage while they watch old re-runs – because their children never take the time to come to terms with their parent’s humanity, and they’ll be damned if they have to while their parents grow helpless. They’ll lean into the false virtue of independence and pay someone else for the indignity of mopping up their parent’s shit.

        • Lunar says:

          This resonates with my experience. There were a couple of years in my early twenties when living with my parents was a financial necessity for *both* parties. And it came with its issues and also came with its benefits.

          After that, I spent years hopping from living situation to living situation and dealt with a lot of nightmare roommates. I finally found a healthy living arrangement but man, for a couple of years did I miss living with my folks. I might not be able to have screaming, ass-slapping sex with them in the next room, but at least I knew what kind of people I was dealing with.

          Like you said, living with my parents also gave me an opportunity to explore and heal some of the resentments that grew between us during my teen years. I’m grateful for that time and the memories we created when I was with them.

          These days I have a much more somber appreciation for how vastly different all our family dynamics and life paths can be (a perspective I owe to having a career as a mental health professional), so when it comes to people living with their parents, I also assume there is more to it than I’ll ever see on the surface. Very few of us are living out our Plan A’s, or even our Plan B’s.

  5. LP says:

    Any book recommendations on metaphysics? For the record, Jung was into alchemy too. And astrology. Not being contentious here, just pointing out that he had more than a few kooky beliefs. I still like him though.

    • Hi says:

      I can recommend some stuff if you narrow it down a little. What sort of thing interests you about it / what do you want out of it? Enlightenment? What are some of your favorites so far? Speaking of Jung, The Secret Of The Golden Flower (Cleary) is what got him into alchemy, if you haven’t read it you can find it free online. If you haven’t looked at Kant’s metaphysics I think it’s worth it at a certain point, but not sure where you’re at with things. Happy to help if you want! Or you can visit Coquette’s book list posts to find lots of these kinds of recs.

      • LP says:

        I’m pretty new to it all, tbh. I guess you could say that I’m just trying to wrap my head around it. What interests me most is how everything is connected. But I also know that this subject matter can very easily veer into new-agey pseudoscience. I want a book that’s more grounded in reality.

    • whoami says:

      stop treating your biological family like biblical figures, and treat them like the roommates they are instead. if your parents act like live-in landlords that ojectively sucks ass and you should probably think of moving out as soon as you can but in the meantime you have to compromise and mediate and shit, between adults. it’s very well feasible to have a sex life while living at your parents’ (to the point where that sex life takes over your regular schedule, even), as it can be unfeasible living with some unrelated roommates. if you can’t afford a place of yours but sneer at the idea of having public sex im sorry to say but you can’t afford the luxury of those silly bourgeois hang-ups of yours. if, under the economy, you can’t imagine sex as anything but sweet love in a king-size with breakfast served in bed in the morning either go after people who have their own place or get over yourself. this is generalisable to most subjects when living in a community, that’s just the name of the game you nuclear family babies
      (emotionally twelve this isn’t about you you sound pretty level-headed about it all and kinda cool xoxo)

      • Chris says:

        “….treat them like the roommates they are….”

        This isn’t a white thing, but a poverty thing. Poverty is gross in many respects, like having to hear people fuck who you yourself would never want to know anything about in that respect. To quote my oldest from a time when we were poor, “I’ve heard things I cannot un-hear.”

        All of my kids get a job, bank account, and retirement account as soon as they get working papers. I recently explained to my oldest that more commonly in poorer homes, when the kid(s) start working, the parents take their income. She was really put off that “her money” would be taken when she earned it. I asked, ‘what if they need it?’ like my co-worker (who’s black) whose parents were on welfare. To that, she could agree to be *charitable*, but for it to just be taken felt very wrong.

        I also brought up that now that she’s an adult and not in school right now she’ll have to pay one of the bills. In her mind, paying a bill in my house felt wrong, so I laid out the alternative, which was to get her own place.

        I’m proud to say she’s talking to friends about places to rent together. Having heard pieces of the group chat, they’re fairly clueless, but figuring out things like “what do eggs cost?” and “is the Internet free?” Answers came in, in great and hilarious variety like “we can use the hot spot on my parents’ cell phone plan,” and “we’ll check out the farmer’s market when we move in.”

        Wealthier parents are less commonly thought of to be “the roommates they are” because they are not socio-economic equals just because the kids might make $1,000 a month, or something.

        If you can’t qualify to file an independent tax return while living in your folks’ home, you are not their equal. You are their burden, and they are carrying you.

        • NancePance says:

          – If you can’t qualify to file an independent tax return while living in your folks’ home, you are not their equal. You are their burden, and they are carrying you. –

          Shit. That dropped like a goddam ton of bricks.

  6. MP says:

    My Facebook got hacked and disabled and I think this comment section might be the social media replacement I really needed in my life.

    But, also, some of y’all need to take a massive chill pill. (Literally or figuratively, up to you.)

    Anyway, nice to see The Coquette back in action. Feels like a light at the end of the tunnel that is not, in fact, an oncoming train.

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