On my tone again

Regarding your response to the ‘On My Tone’ submission… you are a misandrist. You generalise men as if they all talk down to you and make you feel inferior. Then you excuse your own attitudes to others by saying ‘well, that’s men talk to me’. Maybe you just need to leave LA eh?

Aww, poor baby. Did I generalize you?

I’m proud of you for trying to use your big-boy words, but your overwhelming need to put me in my place for being mouthy pretty much proves my point about how you guys typically talk to us.

Oh, and for the record, it’s not that I’m a misandrist. It’s that you feel so entitled to constant, positive reinforcement of your male ego, you can’t tell the difference between a woman who doesn’t give a shit and a woman filled with actual contempt for men.

On my tone

You really are dominant when it comes down to crushing men and mocking them for their insecurities. You really hate weak men, don’t you?

Oh, please.

You’re confusing dominant for simply not being submissive, and what you consider “crushing” and “mocking” is really just a tone no less condescending than the one men typically use with women in everyday interactions.

It’s fascinating that you would think I hate men when, at worst, all I’m doing is matching their level of respect.

On people against feminism

What do you think about all the people who don’t understand feminism? Especially the women who supposedly “are against feminism because they don’t hate men”? Should we argue or is it a lost cause?

No, we shouldn’t argue. We should teach. We should enlighten. We should in the friendliest of spirits and without the slightest trace of condescension drop so much fucking knowledge on those people that it crushes their flawed and simplistic understanding of gender politics.

We should be patient in the face of ignorance until we know for sure that it is willful. We should give them every opportunity to change their minds, because at the end of the day, very few people are built around a core of malignant, incurable misogyny. Very few people have a world view so grotesque that they actually believe women should be subjugated. Very few people will openly admit that equality isn’t a noble pursuit — especially women for whom so often their only fault is being misguided about the fundamental concepts.

No one is a lost cause until we find out for sure that their identity is tied to an aggressively misogynistic belief system, and when we come across those broken souls, we don’t argue. That’s wasted breath. We simply mark them with red flags and keep them at arm’s length, because those are the ones who aren’t safe to be around.

On a jealous boyfriend

I still work for my ex’s company, and I make good money and damn good connections doing so (hey, it’s LA). It’s at-home and part-time, and I don’t talk to him much, but my current boyfriend likes to throw a hissy fit every time ex’s name pops up on my phone. I do nothing but give him reassurance that our relationship is strictly business, but he’s like an insecure puppy and will give me the silent treatment whenever I’m in work mode. Plot twist: I cheated on ex WITH current boyfriend. So I guess that’s where the trust issues lie. What the hell should I do, Coke? Do I really have to quit my job?

Fuck no.

Tell your stupid boyfriend to mind his own fucking business. Tell him that if he doesn’t trust you to have a working relationship with your ex, then tough titties. His delicate male ego and petty jealousies don’t get one ounce of priority over your ability to earn.

Don’t put up with hissy fits. Scold the shit out of him when he acts like a little bitch, and if you feel like twisting the knife, tell him that if you were ever really gonna cheat on him, it wouldn’t be with the guy you cheated on with him.

On newfound confidence

Over the past year, I pulled my shit together and lost 55 pounds. I’m a totally different person, and with my lifestyle change has come a new confidence. It wavers a lot, but I finally feel good about myself and how I look. I bought a bikini with confidence! Most of my friends are very supportive but 2 or 3 of them have been very off put by it. Telling me I’m too skinny, I need to eat more, I look unhealthy when all of those are very far from the truth. This is the strongest and healthiest I’ve ever felt in my life! These same people are also telling me that I seem cocky now, especially around men. I don’t want to become someone who is cocky based off what I look like. Is my pride about my weightloss/healthy life style becoming too much? Is my confidence turning into cockiness? How do I pull off talking about it without seeming like I’m gloating? It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and while I am ~loving~ the confidence, pride and yes, attention from the opposite sex it’s bringing me, I don’t want to come off as a conceited asshole. Thoughts or opinions?

Pay no mind to the two or three friends who will inevitably try and take you down a notch. There’s a few in every crew, and that kind of negativity is almost always a mix of petty envy and a projection of their own body issues. In other words, it’s an expression of their bullshit, not yours.

Never worry about too much confidence. Don’t even worry about a little cockiness. The only thing you need to watch out for is arrogance, and it doesn’t seem like you’re the type to think losing a few pounds makes you better than anybody else.

You’ve earned the right to a summer filled with bikinis and a little extra vanity. It’s okay to believe that you’ve improved yourself, and it’s okay to feel happy about it. That doesn’t make you a conceited asshole.

You look fucking amazing, by the way.

On religion in general

We know your view of the Abrahamic faiths, but I’m curious to know if it extends to the other religions of the world, such as religious Buddhism, Hinduism, Bahá’í, persisting indigenous faiths, the various branches of modern paganism, etc.?

I’m opposed to any organized belief system with fundamental tenets based on revealed knowledge from a supernatural entity, and I am radically opposed to any closely held belief that allows for a supernatural entity (deity or otherwise) to be used as the proximate cause or justification for human behavior.

That said, I am not opposed to maintaining certain religious traditions as an important part of cultural heritage, except (as is often the case) when those traditions are used as the proximate cause or justification for human suffering.

On more fun-sized advice

There’s this one male cashier around my age at the supermarket who consistently calls me “sweetheart.” As I near my mid-30s these types of dismissively sexist comments annoy me more and more. Should I just let it go, or should I say something?
I think you’ll find “I’m not your fucking sweetheart” to be one of the most deeply satisfying phrases in the entirety of the English language.

When my boyfriend broke up with me, he said our relationship “filled him with existential dread.” What the fuck does that even mean? I know what existential dread is, but what does that have to do with our dearly departed relationship?
The relationship had your boyfriend contemplating the idea of forever, and it freaked him out. It was a polite (if not pretentious) way of saying that the mere thought of spending the rest of his life with you terrified him.

So, we know where you stand on cheating and being the other man/woman but what do you think about telling someone they’re being cheated on? Do you think people have a right to know or should a third party just mind their own business?
There’s a lot to be said for minding your own business, but there’s also a good case for applying the golden rule — it really just depends on the situation. When you’re trying to balance compassion with discretion, let loyalty guide you further than honesty.

I just figured out that nobody has The Right Answer because there’s no such thing as The Right Answer, and it has me feeling real fucking lost. I didn’t realize how much I’ve always depended on other people to make decisions for me until now, yet I don’t trust myself to make those decisions either. How do I recover from this?
Recover? No, there is no recovery. You wouldn’t wanna go back even if you had the option. You aren’t lost. You’re just burdened by the philosophical equivalent of adolescence and what you imagine to be your own free will. Just go be a good person, and don’t be afraid to keep growing.

I’ve been going on a bunch of dates recently and while I have fun, the guys are nice, the conversation is interesting, the sex is good, I just feel so … hollow afterwards. I feel very distant from the experience. What gives?
Pretty simple, really. Casual dating (while occasionally fun) doesn’t satisfy your desperate craving for a deep spiritual, physical, and emotional connection to another human being. The hollow feeling is just a friendly reminder.

Nothing makes me feel smaller or uglier or more like a piece of shit than someone I care about showing romantic interest in me, and I don’t know why. I wish I could get people to stop.
The reason it makes you feel small and ugly is because you consider romantic interest to be an unsolicited sexualization of a platonic relationship. It’s a shift in how you think a person values you, one that degrades your own self-worth. It doesn’t have to, though. The trick is in realizing and fully accepting that you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re not the one betraying the fundamental nature of the relationship. They are.

On picking your battles

I am addicted to You Tube beauty vids (I know) and one creator, Coffee Break With Dani constantly refers to “hookers” “prostitutes” “lady of the night” and “cholas” in a negative and unflattering way. I’ve left her comments about how shitty it is (in a respectful way) and how often sex workers sometimes (not always) are either victims of abuse or exploitation, etc but she just says something really shitty in return. I know I could just not watch or not comment but I wonder if there is way I could get her to understand that she comes off as super ignorant and insensitive.

Stop it. Just stop.

You’re never going to change someone’s mind by scolding them from the comments section, especially the rambling, candy-headed personification of a Forever 21 knock-off. (Honestly, how do you even tolerate ten straight minutes of that shrill twit?)

Don’t waste your time trying to “get her to understand.” She’s made it clear that she doesn’t give a fuck about your politically correct opinions. Let it go.

In fact, you should fuck off completely. (You’re just as insufferable as she is for thinking it’s your place to whine about your personal politics on her cartoonishly trivial YouTube beauty channel.)

We live in a world brimming with ignorance and insensitivity. Learn to pick your fucking battles already.

On a proper goodbye

Thanks for the good moments. I’m deciding it’s time to quit you- it’s taken me quite a while but I’ve realized that I need to get past reading your touchy yet hypocritical, faux-politically correct perspective that reminds me too much of the double standard upheld by the diehard social justice kids in college.

You are the clever, highbrow intellectual + lowbrow snark manic pixie dream girl that never fails to get tumblr wet. I totally get the appeal and the hero(ine) worship, having fallen for it myself for a spell. But it’s time for me to grow the fuck up and decide what’s right and wrong for myself instead of blindly lapping up what you say. I’m starting over in a way, and it’s time for me to stop living vicariously through your fever dream of a life and get that it’s not actually what I want nor what I can have, and start completely living my own life.

I’m glad I found you to be able to inch my way out of this dark space of being lost and helpless, and to realize now that I don’t need it anymore. You really are excellent at the relationship and life direction stuff, but I’m finding I can’t make myself agree with your social arguments anymore (a damn good thing for me!).

Thanks for writing and for this blank space to work out my head space. Best of luck to you with the rest of it all.

Best of luck to you as well. Thanks for reading, and thanks for taking the time to write. I’m impressed by your ability to talk just enough shit while sincerely expressing gratitude. Clearly, you learned something.

Usually this is the part where I tell you to stay wild, but it’s not like you’ve got a fuckin’ choice, so just go have yourself a lovely life.

Now get the fuck on out of here.

On fun-sized advice*

I’m insecure. Super fucking insecure. Need people to like me insecure. I recognize the problem. I want to change. How?
It’s not that you need people to like you. It’s that you need people to approve of you, and you don’t know the difference. Stop seeking approval.

Is this it? Being social, having friends, making small talk, it just doesn’t appeal to me anymore. Not that it ever really did, but I never thought I’d be so bored with everything at 25.
Go DO something, asshole.

Every time I tell my partner they’re doing something that upsets me, they take it as a personal attack of me reminding them how “fucked up and terrible” they are. What do I do?
Stop putting up with manipulative bullshit from an insecure partner.

Am I bi if I only sleep with women and don’t like dick, but fool around with men I feel comfortable with?
I’m not sure whether you’re a predominantly homosexual woman coming to terms with incidental heterosexual tendencies or a predominantly heterosexual man coming to terms with incidental homosexual tendencies, but it’s entirely up to you whether you choose to identify as bisexual. You can if you want, you don’t have to if you don’t, and no one else gets to decide but you.

Lesbians with daddy issues. Please explain.
You know lesbians have fathers, right?

That was a pretty scary looking message you got, so I’m wondering… do you get a lot of really vicious stuff in your mail? I know you get plenty of morons but that stuff is outright stomach churning.
It wasn’t scary at all. It was sad and desperate. Usually I ignore the angry letters, but if someone says my advice added to their friend’s trauma, then I take that kind of thing seriously. There’s a time for snark and there’s a time for genuine empathy.

Please don’t compliment people when you get scared of them, it just looks pitiful — either hold your ground or fight back.
You’re as terrible at reading the situation as you are at giving advice.

I love how you start sucking up to the person who wants to punch your face in.
I love how you think you know what you’re talking about.

* Whoever keeps sending links to that Dennis Prager video about Israel, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to peer into the abyss of your willfull ignorance. Just so we’re clear, Prager is a sanctimonious blowhard, and that video (like everything he does) is cheap propaganda for right-wing simpletons. The very fact that you think it “informs” is terrifying. Please go away now.