I’m 18. I like porn but I don’t feel the tiniest desire to have sex in real life. Plus, I don’t even know which gender I want to do it with. I find both equally attractive. What the hell is going on?

Of course you like porn. Porn is junk food. It’s is cheap, artificially sweetened, and readily available. Like all teenagers, you scarf it down without a second thought. Problem is, your burgeoning sexuality needs some actual nutrition, but no one wants to eat their fucking vegetables.

Sex in real life is complicated. It involves all sorts of confusing emotions. You face the potential for rejection, embarrassment, and shame. It can be messy when you know what you’re doing, and you don’t have a fucking clue.

That’s kind of the point. You think you have a clue because you saw it in a porno, but you don’t. Allow yourself to be clueless. You’re supposed to be wondering what the hell is going on.

Everything you’re feeling is perfectly normal, and you should take all the time you need to figure out your sexuality. You don’t have to pick a gender. You don’t have to start having sex until you’re ready, and when you do, you sure as hell shouldn’t compare it to anything you’ve seen in porn.

I constantly feel it’s only a matter of time before one of us cheats. Should I just end it?
Perhaps, but ending it won’t fix your trust issues.

Why am I significantly more attracted to a guy knowing that he’s dated a fuck ton of hot chicks?
The same reason all your clothes have logos on them.

What do you say to a 26-year-old man who claims he might never be able to love again?
Say, “Lose my number, douchebag.”

Do you ever think you might be wrong?
I’m wrong all the damn time.

I feel like I’ve noticed a general trend of you being nicer in your responses? Is that purposeful?
Nope. Come to think of it, you guys have been sending much higher quality questions lately. I think we’re all growing up a little.

How far can you excuse someone’s behaviour because of the shit hand they were dealt?
That’s up to you, but remember, there’s a difference between a reason and an excuse. Just because you know the reason for someone’s behavior, that doesn’t mean you have to excuse it.

Is the G spot really a myth? I can’t cum without touching my clit.
The G spot is real. G spot orgasms are real. Don’t act like you’ve got the only vagina in the universe.

I need a verdict. Rich Manhattan moms hiring handicapped tour guides so their kids can skip lines at Disney? Douche, gauche, touche, meh…?
What a perfect metaphor for the American social class system.

How can I let go of the belief that beauty matters?
Beauty matters. Just quit letting other people tell you what’s beautiful.

Hey coquette, Im just gona cut right to the chase. Im in a long distance relationship with the love of my life, he tells me he loves me too but for some reason, doesn’t trust me. What do i do? He broke up with me once because he got so paranoid he thought i was cheating on him and no matter what i say, he just doesn’t get that i would never do anything like that. Please tell me, I’m confused. I’ll accept whatever u have to say.

He’s cheating on you.

Every once and a while I feel this intense fear knowing the state of our environment and the imminent carbon fueled suffocation of the human race. I feel this intense sense of foreboding when I think about the future. We’re all driving our Co2 spouting automobiles headfirst in to the apocalyptic hell-scape of global warming. There’s no denying it, and even though I do my daily part to be greener, the fact remains that the sheer amount of people choosing ignorance and denial far outweigh the active. I was just thinking about how pointless all my prom photos are in the face of it all. I stress about finals while the world around me melts. Everything is pointless and I will die but how do I reconcile my fear? Not of death, but at never getting a fair shot at life?

Ugh. I know your type. You’ve decided to take your first-world free-floating anxiety and make it all about some vague yet trendy existential threat. In your case, it’s global warming. Please. Get some real problems, bitch. Either that or take a Xanax and shut the fuck up.

First of all, you have no sense of scale and you don’t know shit about climate science. Sure, global warming is a big fucking deal, and go drive a fucking Prius if it makes you feel better, but don’t act like doing your daily part to be greener makes you special in any way whatsoever.

I mean, come on. You wanna talk ignorance and denial? You’re the one who’s blatantly projecting your fear of mortality onto the fucking weather. Quit it. Life may be pointless, and you’re definitely gonna die, but in the meantime you still have to show up and be a part of this ridiculous experiment.

Put down your stupid fucking prom photos, get your shit together, and go study for your finals. Remember, there’s no such thing as a “fair shot at life.” Only a child thinks life is supposed to be fair.

Due to the fact that everything is meaningless, I have no motivation whatsoever to do anything in particular with my life. I keep myself busy by fulfilling my basic human needs of water, food, sleep, internet and weed. Outside of that, fuck all happens.

This has been made worse by learning vipassana meditation techniques. Now even my obsession with a cute stoner boy has dissolved and I am fucking bedridden with boredom. I’m not even miserable, I’m irritatingly equanimous. How can I stimulate some sort of desire to make a positive contribution to society and how do I figure out what type of contribution to make? Its really hard to make decisions when you see everything as equal measures of dark and light. I am literally just sitting here in a hotel with too much money, no responsibilities, and I am debilitatingly free. Are you looking for an assistant or know anyone that needs a blank slate to train as their slave?

By the way, I know I’m in a pretty fucking enviable situation right now, I’m not complaining. Just looking for direction.

You don’t need direction. Direction is just a path. You need purpose. Purpose is the engine that propels you down that path, and without it, you are adrift.

Of course, finding purpose is easier said than done, especially for those of us who’ve embraced the meaninglessness of existence. The trick is to never forget that meaninglessness is not the same thing as emptiness, and right now, you are confusing the two.

You are paralyzed. Not physically, but spiritually. You are consumed with emptiness and self-negation because you are only fulfilling your basic needs. Water, food, sleep, internet, and weed are just the bottom rung of Maslow’s Hierarchy, and not for nothin’, but the internet and weed aren’t necessarily helping your situation.

You’re missing out on a whole bunch of higher level stuff like love, belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. That’s why Vipassana is wasted on you right now. That’s why financial independence is wasted on you right now. Pretty much everything is wasted on you right now, because you are clinically depressed.

Yes, that’s right. You can call it irritatingly equanimous or debilitatingly free, but just because you’ve got some money and little Buddhism, that doesn’t mean you’re immune from your own neurochemistry.

I know you insist that you aren’t miserable, but that’s kind of the problem. Misery would at least be an emotion, and you’re totally fucking numb. One solution is to go see a shrink and let ‘em smack you upside the head with some psychopharmaceuticals. Feel free to try that. It might very well work, but you also need to get out there and find some purpose.

Here, I’ll make it easy for you:

1. Spend half an hour a day exercising. (Break a sweat.)
2. Spend half an hour a day grooming. (Take a shower.)
3. Spend a few hours a day volunteering. (Alleviate the suffering of others in some small way.)

That’s it. That’s all you have to do for now. Making a positive contribution to society doesn’t have to be a daunting task. Don’t worry about doing anything with your life, and don’t worry about any of it meaning anything.

Just do something with your day, and the rest will work itself out in time.

I was given the “money or fame” question and I answered “money” in a heartbeat. My friends were a little surprised, and gave me this lecture about how money can’t buy happiness. Am I greedy? Or just a shy person who wants to buy a hover car in the future? Is there *really* no answer to that question, or is there one?

Your friends are idiots. Not only can money buy happiness, but anyone who wishes for fame is a fucking asshole.

We’re in our early 30s and have been together for 2.5 years. When it’s good, it’s really good - we’re always laughing, talk about the future, getting married, planning a life together. But when it’s bad, it’s to the point of screaming and tears and lately, this happens on a weekly or every other week basis. How do you know whether to keep trying to make the relationship work or call it quits? I know everyone says relationships take work but how much work is too much?

You two are the reason couples counseling was invented. Find a professional, go sit down together, and develop some fresh conflict resolution and anger management skills.

That shit really works.

How can I deal with the anger/frustration that Ann Coulter fills me with? Its not even when she opens her mouth to speak, its just her, she radiates hatred.

I like to think of Ann Coulter as an evil Jim Henson puppet. (I’m pretty sure she was originally a Skeksis from The Dark Crystal.)

Point is, it’s a lot easier to deal with her persona when you consider it to be a grotesque piece of fiction, rather than think of her as a black-hearted human being made entirely of cancer and bile.

I usually don’t recommend dehumanizing one’s enemies, but in her case I make an exception, because I really don’t want to have to manufacture pity for someone that consistently awful.

Harry Styles is in L.A. I think you should fuck him.

Please. He hasn’t even graduated from Hogwarts. Call me in a decade when he hits his Timberlake phase.

I’m a 20-year-old atheist who wants to be more spiritual. What do I do?
Study philosophy, psychology, and comparative religion. Don’t get involved with any organization that relies on its own spiritual jargon.

Should I study fashion design, anthropology, or declare a double major?
Sure, why not? Declare a double major and make your degree twice as useless. It’s not like you have to get a job after college or anything.

I’m finishing college, and I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that college has been the most anticlimactic experience I’ve ever had.
Good. Maybe now you’ll think twice before believing in our society’s institutionalized bullshit. Enjoy your twenties.

What’s the difference between bisexual and pansexual?
A basic understanding of gender fluidity.

Is there any REASONABLE explanation as to why a national gun registry would be so terrible?
Nope.

Are you a libertarian?
Nope.

Are you a Buddhist?
Nope.

Are you more of a nihilist or an absurdist?
An absurdist is just an nihilist with a sense of humor.

I love my partner so much it kind of sucks actually. Like I can never hang out with them for long enough, and it’s hard to get out of bed in the morning because I don’t want to stop snuggling and talking with them. It bums me out. Please advise.
You are high on a drug. Act accordingly.

What do you think of the argument that the Universe is a computer simulation? Does it matter? I find that idea sort of terrifying.
The simulation hypothesis is a metaphysical toy, but hey, any time you make a little eye contact with the abyss, it’s bound to freak you out a bit.

I’ve always wanted to lose my virginity in an orgy. Is that a spectacularly bad idea?
It’s not so much a bad idea as it is an impractical one. Losing your virginity during group sex would be one thing, but an orgy implies a certain kind of frenzied anonymity that just isn’t for beginners.

Can sex be meaningless?
I hate to break it to you, but everything is meaningless.