I used to play it off as being a hopeless romantic. I am actually calculating, manipulative, and emotionally stunted. I use my charisma to get what I want. How do I tell the girl I’m seeing that I’m basically Patrick Bateman?
You’re not Patrick Bateman. Patrick Bateman wasn’t even Patrick Bateman. You’re just a garden variety asshole, and trust me, you don’t need to run off and tell the girl you’re seeing. She already knows.
What you should do instead is take this minor revelation and use it to change your behavior. You don’t have to remain emotionally stunted. You can stop being manipulative. You can bury your charisma in the dirt where it belongs, because up to now all you’ve been doing is embarrassing yourself.
Grow, douchebag. Grow.
We’ve been married 30 years. Our marriage transformed our lives from “drama” to “romantic comedy”—and it just keeps getting better. Your view that “unhappiness = resting state of marriage” says more about you than it does marriage.
Yes, because when I make an observation about the institution of marriage, I’m talking about your relationship in particular.
It’s all about you.
Were you always so cynical, or do you think that as a result of listening to vapid idiots ask for advice all the time, you’ve simply become cynical? Whether you perceive yourself as cynical or not is unimportant, because it’s so easy to perceive you as such. So, was your blog always like this, or did it develop over time?
You don’t even know what the word cynical means, do you?
Silly child, if you want to know how I’ve developed over time, just go back to the beginning and read for yourself. Try not to get annoyed if you learn a few things along the way. I sure have. Hell, it’s been almost half a decade, and I’m just now starting to get good at this shit.
Why do all the married couples I know seem so unhappy?
Because unhappiness is the resting state of marriage.
Thoughts on the Pope being named Time Person of the Year?
It’s just one irrelevant institution puffing up another.
Here’s the mess - bad breakup months ago. Had a date with handsome charming, couldn’t kiss goodnight. Random dude at the bar- crazy make out. Gay man at the bar- crazy make out there too. When will my mind stop being a mess?
Monday, February 17th, 2014. Noonish.
The quietest people have the loudest minds…what does that make you?
Immune to your clichéd bullshit.
What do you think of Aubrey Plaza?
I enjoy the character she plays, but I’d also like to see another one.
What’s your opinion on the Lulu iPhone app? On one hand I find it extremely useful but on the other I feel like if there was a female equivalent I’d be all up in arms!
LuLu a toothless gimmick for tacky people. It’s awful. They can try and keep it sanitized and glossy, but that shit has a rotten core. (Oh, and there is a female equivalent. It’s called revenge porn.)
What’s your opinion on meaningless sex?
Everything is meaningless. Might as well be getting laid.
I chose the path less traveled and I pay for it with every waking moment.
You pay for it either way.
Everyone around me is freaking out about finals. Any words of wisdom?
Fuck off and study.
What do you want for Christmas, Coquette?
Alright, I graduate from my undergrad program in about 28 hours. I have no plans after (quiver…) Basically I work a retail job, have no idea what it’s like to have additional free time since I worked my ass off in school, both to pay the bills and get a decent GPA. Now my friends from Florida are touring my area, in towns where I have friends, all next month and I could get in the van with them. I have no savings, no plan, no boyfriend. Should I quit my job and just say fuck it for a month?
This guy I’m seeing won’t have sex with me for religious reasons but requests to cum on my face while pouring champagne. No shit. Serial killer?
Yeah, this guy seems deeply in touch with his lord and savior.
I love how it’s perfectly acceptable for him to blow a load in your face like you’re a porn star he just bought bottle service, but the omniscient creator of the universe would suddenly have a problem if you two engaged in even the slightest bit of premarital vaginal intercourse.
Ugh, that’s so fucking creepy. Seriously, though. Don’t date people who bring religion into the bedroom. Just don’t.
We’re stuck in a suburban business hotel outside of Dallas, and our car won’t turn on, so we can’t even go get weed or beer. The cable was nice for the first couple of days but now I’m starting to feel the effects of cabin fever. How should we wait out the rest of the ice storm with poise, grace, and sanity?
Well, you could rent out one of the hotel conference rooms and invite everyone on your floor to a business casual ice storm orgy.
Or, you could download the Uber app and get a private driver to take you around the frozen tundra of Dallas to score weed and beer.
There’s a hot and successful guy who keeps asking me out and I am unable to utter the words “I’m flattered but I have a boyfriend” so I just keep dodging him and I’m a terrible person and I just wanted to tell someone so there you go.
Tell your boyfriend. Seriously. Tell him.
You don’t have to be all serious about it. That kind of shit can be hilarious if you know how to spin it. Besides, if you aren’t comfortable enough in your relationship that you can talk to your boyfriend about other dudes throwing game at you, then what the fuck are you doing with your life?
Fuck it. Go deep or go home.
Any guesses as to why is it rare for me to achieve an orgasm unless I’m being choked?
Um, yeah. It’s simple behavioral reinforcement. Cerebral hypoxia makes for one hell of an antecedent stimulus prior to orgasm.
Do I want safe and warm, or do I want ecstatic?
Quit making false dichotomies with your love life.
When is using the word “whore” appropriate? Or is it never?
Feel free to use the word “whore” to describe a person who puts a price on their integrity. Never use the word “whore” to impugn a person’s promiscuity.
There’s shit music on at a party. The host is loving it, everyone else is staring awkwardly at the ground. Socially acceptable to quietly change playlists?
Sure, but if you’re more comfortable leaving the party than you are changing the music, simply get the fuck out. Either way, don’t ever let anyone hold you hostage with bad music.
What would your match.com profile say? From the “tagline” all the way down to the “about me and what I’m looking for” section.
Match.com? Are you kidding me? That’s the worst dating site on the planet. It’s a creepy-as-fuck graveyard of fake and abandoned profiles scotch-taped together with a horrible user interface. Never use match.com.
Gay here. My husband seems moody lately. One evening, he is just so irritated the minute I walk in, cant get a straight answer - seems like border line abuse to me. Then next evening he wants to plan the next vacation, cooks dinner and be as polite as can be. Is it just me thinking it???
Dude. People have moods. Sometimes they’re shitty. Maybe learn to back the fuck off occasionally, and quit making it about you.
So is your idea of the perfect marriage is one in which you and your partner are free to have extra-marital sex?
In a way, yes, but “free” implies that there are no consequences. That’s not how open relationships work.
Survived the holidays alright, Coquette?
Ha! Yep. Had to bite my tongue when my mom announced “the Indians should just get over it” with regard to changing the name of the Washington Redskins. Other than that, it was a pretty chill Thanksgiving.
I love that you take time to find and use the letter ‘é’ when you write French words.
Details fucking matter.
I’m currently sitting here feeling like I got hit by a truck, with bruises all over my body. This is not the first time my fiance has physically abused me, and I am sure it will not be the last. It is however, the worst. This time it was because I wanted to do something that he didn’t want me to, because of his insecurities. I know that he does this as a power play, because he loves the manipulation. But I think he really wants to get help this time. Who should he turn to? Am I a gullible idiot?
1. If he is with you now, simply get up and leave without saying another word to him. Go to a safe place with friends or family who support you. If that’s not possible, look online and find the nearest battered women’s shelter or police station and go there. The point is to get away from him right now. Do this immediately.
2. Once you are in a safe place, call the police. Do this tonight. Do not wait until tomorrow.
3. Have them fill out a report, provide them with the pictures of your bruises, and tell them you want to press charges. Have your ex-fiancé arrested, and do not help him post bail or accept any phone calls from him.
4. That’s right. Ex-fiancé. Make a commitment to yourself right now that you will never marry a man who beats you. It doesn’t matter that you love him. It doesn’t matter that he loves you. The only thing that matters is that you break this fucking cycle of abuse by finally getting out of this relationship.
5. Do not make one more excuse. Especially for him. Do not make this about him or what he needs. This is about you and what you need. Fuck him, and fuck who he should turn to. If he wants to get help, fine. Let him get help on his own goddamn time. Let him get help after you’ve taken out an order of protection against him. Let him get help when he’s facing a domestic violence conviction. Or not, because fuck him.
6. Move on with your life. As impossible as it seems right now, you can get past this. You do not need him. You deserve better than this, and I promise that if you start taking these steps, your life will improve.
7. This is not an overreaction. Everything I just said needs to happen, and you need to take action immediately. Go back to step one and read this again until you’ve summoned the strength to actually do it.