Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

57 Comments

Is it possible for a straight female to suffer from nice guy syndrome?
Absolutely.

What should a tired, unhealthy, passionless failure do next?
You’re not a failure yet, so get healthy and then use your newfound energy to find a passion.

How do people fall out of love? Were they never really in love?
There are lots of ways to fall out of love, and for what it’s worth, you can’t fall out of love if you were never really in love.

I’m about to start an enterprise that’ll take, on paper, six years of continuous felony.
Well, if you’re not gonna hurt anybody, then I wish you six years of continuous luck.

How do I know I’ve crossed the line from “I’m just an anxious person and I’m working on it” to “my anxiety is out of control and maybe I should try a medication?”
This is the exact question you should ask your therapist and/or doctor, but generally, unless you’re dealing with acute panic symptoms, I wouldn’t recommend jumping to medication until after you’ve put a few months worth of genuine effort into some good ol’ fashioned cognitive behavioral therapy.

Have you changed your opinion on Sam Harris?
Hell no. I love Sam. Fight me.

Are you excited that Winona’s making a comeback?
Winona never left.

Have you ever met any of the Real Housewives?
I almost killed Lisa Vanderpump’s dog once.

Are you on Tinder?
Yes. (I prefer Bumble, though.)

Do you dream or is it just blank at night?
I dream. Vividly.

How many stamps are in your passport?
Which one?

Do you ask for a bite of people’s food when you’re out to dinner with them?
I don’t have to ask.

Do you run this show (blog) by yourself?
I occasionally ask for help from a close friend or two, but it’s largely a solo effort. (Story of my life.)

Why do i keep reloading your page like there’s going to be something new there?
Because of moments like this.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

66 Comments

I’m twenty six. Shit’s not for me anymore is it? Music, movies, commercials, etc. It’s actually all for sixteen year olds, isn’t it? Why?
Because you haven’t changed the channel yet. (Hate to break it to you, but it’s time to start paying for premium channels and going to see live music at smaller venues. Welcome to adulthood.)

Do I get a PhD at a top five institution and pursue academia? Or should I sell my soul to Google/Apple/Amazon?
I promise, you are selling your soul either way. Might as well get a good price for it.

The fact that you’ve written off Samantha Bee’s new show is a travesty. She’s holding down the best post-Daily Show political satire of them all. Blowing John Oliver out of the water.
Please. John Oliver’s show dominates Samantha Bee’s show in every conceivable way. However, I will grant you, I was too quick to write off Full Frontal. Her writers do damn good work and occasionally her segments are brilliant.

My boyfriend of 4 years has had it with my escorting. Vanilla jobs and their paychecks depress me. What’s a (call) girl to do?
You can’t escort forever, and you don’t strike me as particularly young. Accept the inevitability of a second career, and start planning for it now. Go get whatever advanced degree that might be required, and continue escorting if necessary, but demonstrate to your boyfriend that you’ve got a path that will eventually lead to you doing something else. That’s a respectable compromise that has the added benefit of you facing reality.

Am I missing out because I’m too shy to get eaten out?
Yes.

Have you ever dated any of your ex’s for a second time? Or do you believe that once it’s done, it’s done?
Yes.

Am I bisexual, or am I just slightly attracted to women because women in their 20s put way more effort into their appearance than men?
Yes.

should i buy my conservative religious mom a copy of your book or will it offend her?
Yes.

Is it inherently shitty to screw your ex’s friends?
Nah. It’s inherently shitty for your ex’s friends to screw you.

How can I tell my boyfriend that I want him to wear a condom even though I’m on the pill?
Use your words.

Please tell me you haven’t started to believe your own hype.
Ew, gross.

You have improved every part of my life.
Right back ‘atcha.

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Thoughts

On staying wild

56 Comments

Coketalk (sorry I still call you that, but it’s really what first comes to mind when I think of you)–I proposed marriage to the man I love in the wee hours of this morning after staying up all night. The day before we went to Clearwater beach and took acid to celebrate our first anniversary. We actually don’t have a specific “date”, we have a two-ish week period in between the night we first slept together and the night I told him I loved him and if he wasn’t okay with that to get out of my apartment. At 3 a.m. After he insulted my favorite band. For some reason, he stayed. For some reason, I let him. I guess it’s because he loved me or wanted to love me and that was enough for then. That was enough for me then, too. But this morning he said yes and then realized what the fuck I actually just did and got scared. I was as supportive and apologetic as possible because its kind of a fucked up thing to do to someone, isn’t it. But I just didn’t worry about if he was going to change his mind. It didn’t matter. His answer didn’t fucking matter. It’s only been a day. He could change his mind tomorrow. But we were married today, in our hearts and heads and synapses between nerves and blood and hands. We were married the second I started crying after he realized I was serious and kissed me, we were married when he almost backed out, we were married that night over a year ago when I said “I love you” not because I wanted him to feel loved but because I was such an absolute wreck of a human that I couldn’t stand the thought of him being in my life if he couldn’t deal with ME–me in my head, real me, the actual feelings and thoughts that make up my own reality. And quite frankly, it’s not fair to me OR him for me not to be 100% authentic and that’s what our entire relationship has revolved around. Since that night when I told him I loved him the first time it’s been a slow crawl, sometimes a race, sometimes a drag and a hell of a lot of fun to get to where I am: a changed woman, in control of her life, master of her own Universe, at peace with her parents and sexuality and inevitable death, in love with a man who had a crush on her in 7th grade (for real. Long story) who I know could disappear from the Earth tonight by accident or from my life in the morning by choice…and who I’m okay with loving even despite the cautionary tales and the knowledge that we are just monkeys born in 2016 with the privilege of using language and toilet paper and WiFi (alternate reality: God wants us to fuck and make love into oblivion and make thousands of babies and reward us for our good karma with happy, fat lives? We’ll never know the difference either way, so why not enjoy right?). Because really, Coke, it was a marriage of myself. To life itself and to me for as long as we both and I shall live. Amen. And thanks for being a big, necessary part of it, you crazy fuck. Love, love, love, me.

 

I’m happy for you. I’m happy for him. I’m happy for everyone who reads this and understands.

Keep up the good work, and enjoy whatever comes next.

Stay wild.

 

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Advice

On being smacked with awareness

21 Comments

Sometimes the fact that i am a breathing living human hits me so hard that everything feels surreal and i forget how to walk and breathe? Usually it wears off after a few minutes but recently this feeling can keep going for about an hour. Its like i get freaked out of being alive and aware of every little movement and thought. I truly feel that i am here and completely conscious about everything around me at that point. Its like i have taken psychedelic drugs.

This can at times be a wonderful experience but lately it just freaks me the fuck out.

Any idea what this is?

 

Yes, totally. What you’re describing is a shift in consciousness from a mental state of identifying with your thoughts and emotions to a mental state of present moment awareness. Essentially, you’re being smacked upside the head with a rather aggressive and involuntary form of mindfulness.

It’s kind of awesome, actually. Most folks have to meditate their faces off to reach that mental state. You’re one of the people who just gets it dropped on them. Treat it like a gift. Don’t resist it. That’s why it’s freaking you out, because you’re trying to control it. Don’t do that. Just go with it. You can play with it a little, and by that I mean be playful, but it has to come from a place of peace and/or joy.

If you start to get freaked out, just let your breath anchor you. You can always fall back on a gentle awareness of your breath, and you will be fine.

 

 

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Advice

On getting over yourself

91 Comments

I’ve just read your piece “On a beautiful mess” for the fourth, maybe fifth time since you posted it. It was the first time, however, that it brought me to tears. That girls’ words have resonated with me before, but never so strongly. I’m too tired to wait for an answer to arise inside me though. My therapist suggested I go on antidepressants a few months ago but I just can’t do it. If I start taking them, I won’t be ‘me’ anymore; my personality, my true identity will be covered and shaped by those pills. It feels like I’ve got no way out since I can’t live a normal life without them either. I don’t believe that a human life has any inherent value really, not more than any animal’s life, or that we’re here for a reason or that there’s anything ‘on the other side’ so why not end this? I’d rather kill myself than be a fraud, a ‘happy robot’… I guess my question is — is a life worth living if you know you’re not really yourself?

 

I’m very sorry that you’re suffering from depression, but do yourself a favor and quit being such an asshole. Taking antidepressants doesn’t make you a fraud. They don’t turn you into a “happy robot,” and you’re a fucking idiot for saying shit like that.

It’s perfectly fine if you want to be an existential nihilist, but it’s not okay to be a whiny little bitch about it. Sure, life is meaningless and death is likely to be an eternity of nothingness, but so fucking what? That doesn’t mean life is without inherent value. Life is incredibly valuable. Life is precious. Life is all we’ve fucking got, and the reason you’re such a gaping asshole is because you’ve been given an opportunity to vastly improve the quality of yours, and all you can do is whine about it. Fuck you.

Speaking of which, there is no such thing as “you.” There is no “true identity” that exists as some static, concrete artifact to be covered and shaped by antidepressants. That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works. Your fear of antidepressants is childish and ignorant, and the whole dumbfuck myth that you won’t be “you” anymore is insulting to the millions of people whose lives have literally been saved by selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.

Take the fucking pills. That’s not a suggestion. That’s an order. While you’re at it, quit “waiting” for the answer to arise inside of you. That’s such a lazy way to think, and with that kind of shitty attitude, you’re not gonna stumble onto any profound revelation.

Like I’ve said before, the answer does exist. It’s already inside you, and it really has been there all along, but you’re never going to find it as long as you keep clinging to this depressed, whiny version of yourself that you insist is your “true identity.” It’s not.

Seriously, get over yourself. Tell your therapist that you’re ready to try antidepressants, and take the fucking pills.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

108 Comments

I get it, it’s important, but can we get a break from politics? Thoughts on Guccis’ new album?
I haven’t listened to his new album, but no doubt Gucci (and his clone) will be voting for Hillary.

What’s the difference between empathy and sympathy?
Sympathy separates you from its subject. Empathy joins you with its subject.

How do we escape the male gaze?
Aggressive eye contact.

if you get pregnant from sleeping with a guy before you met your current boyfriend, is your boyfriend required to support you still, or is breaking up with you not out of the question?
At most, your relationship is only a few months old. Probably less. That early on, he is not required to support you through anything, much less another man’s pregnancy, and quite frankly, I’d be shocked if he didn’t break up with you.

i find myself craving a drink every evening lately. is this alcoholism or just adulthood?
Depends. What purpose does the drink serve?

Your commentary on US politics is full of shit and never backed by any actual justification like your claim on male ego and libertarianism.
That bruised ego you’ve got there is all the justification I need. *casually sips male tears*

Nixon was impeached for lying about a burglary. Hillary has rigged an election and will likely be President. It is hard to think of a more significant example of how corrupt the US government has become – but yet you seem to be fine looking the other way regarding these election shenanigans. Why?
I wouldn’t look the other way at election rigging. The problem is that your confirmation bias is so tweaked and you have such a superficial understanding of the electoral process that you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Is it just me, or is your readership growing weirder by the day?
It’s cyclical. The weirdos peak during election years.

Why are the only men I’m attracted to complete dicks full of white male entitlement? Is it a character flaw, or maybe just what I’m comfortable with?
It’s a character flaw.

What do you think of surgical castration as a punishment for rapists/pedophiles? Too biblical or just biblical enough?
As a method of involuntary punishment, I’d say surgical castration is about as cruel and unusual as it gets. However, as method of voluntary treatment, it might serve a legitimate purpose, but I’d have to see more research on its efficacy.

You’ve answered three of my questions in the past few years. I wonder how rare that is?
Impossible to know, but now it’s four.

What’s your score on the Hare checklist?
12/40 (Dude. I’m nowhere near being a psychopath.)

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Advice

On where to start

106 Comments

You said my question was stupid and I don’t have any information to claim otherwise. I know a little about the political landscape but not anywhere near enough. I’m worried I’m just parroting fear-mongering bullshit that I’ve heard on the news or in articles on the internet, but I also don’t want to invalidate everything I know (or think I know) about the world. Something about Hillary Clinton scares me, but I’m not sure if that’s just the propaganda working very well. The solution is to read more but I don’t want to internalize more trash. Where should I start?

 

First, read Ezra Klein’s Understanding Hillary. Then read Michael Arnovitz’s Thinking About Hillary — A Plea for Reason, and since she scares you for no particular reason, see if you can spot yourself in Michelle Golberg’s The Hillary Haters.

 

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

38 Comments

In a moment of drunken inspiration, I told him and he doesn’t feel the same way. Now what?
What do you mean, “Now what?” Now go have a snack. It’s no big deal. Just don’t act weird, and everything will be fine.

I just found out that someone is using my photos on Tinder and catfishing dudes with them. My social media pages are all locked down, they must have just screenshotted them from my own Tinder page. Is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening again?
Nope. Not a goddamn thing.

Is it ok to give up on finding love? I’m exhausted and the constant disappointment (whether I’m the dumpee or the dumper) is wearing me down.
There’s no need to give up when all you need to do is take a break.

Is 16 too young to give my daughter the books you recommended on religion/philosophy?
Hell no. If she has questions, help her answer them.

In the recent “On Third Party Voters” post, you seem rather angry, and I completely agree/understand why, but, a bit tangentially here… What does “male ego” have anything to do with it? What does that even mean? -A sincere question from a longtime fan.
Libertarianism would not exist without the male ego. Libertarianism is built on, around, and for the male ego. Libertarianism is the male ego distilled into political ideology. If you don’t understand what the male ego has to do with Libertarianism, then you don’t understand either Libertarianism or the male ego.

How can people be so blinded by Trump? Why don’t they see that he is a monster?
When a monster validates your bigoted morality and justifies your patriarchal worldview, you see what you want to see.

Hillary Clinton doesn’t care about brown & black people though, especially brown & black women. How can you justify that?
By not accepting the ridiculous premise of your stupid fucking question. That’s how.

Why isn’t the media hounding Trump for his taxes?
They are. Every damn day. He doesn’t give a fuck.

I know you come from a family of Republicans…what are their thoughts on the election/Trump?
They’re mortified at what the Republican party has become, they loathe Donald Trump, and they would never vote for him.

White male angst is going to kill us all.
Yeah, what’s new?

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Advice

On having reservations

246 Comments

Maybe screaming down left wing voters for “having reservations” about Hilary is exactly the problem. Because that’s the entire Democratic Party approach in a nutshell, and it’s not working very well so far hey. Maybe, just maybe, some of these reservations are actually fucking legit and worth talking about. Maybe, this is time to talk about how a two horse race is a fundamentally flawed example of democracy.

The “Democratic” party expectation (and it is an expectation) that; —“If you are left-wing leaning you MUST vote for this person, no question about it, OR else YOU are responsible for fucking the world up with the Trump monster”—- is so incredibly far out of touch it’s condescending. Not to mention ironic. But I guess it does illustrate a fairly typical American view of ‘democracy’.

The truth is, Hilary Clinton neglected the core “Democratic” constituency long ago. Hilary Clinton will continue bombing the Middle East , funded by the banks, and we will continue on with the neo-liberal status quo, with rising global inequality and environmental destruction.

Maybe people don’t want that future. Maybe the conversation shouldn’t be about Clinton v Trump. Maybe the conversation should be creating a better system, for the long term.

But that’s hard, I know. Especially when screaming VOTE HILARY over all the (often valid) reservations is so easy.

 

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe you should quit acting like party unity is a fucking disease. Maybe you should recognize that creating a better system is a painfully slow process measured in decades rather than election years. Maybe it should occur to you that in this particular election, your left wing reservations are more dangerous than right wing ignorance. Maybe I should just tell you to go fuck yourself.

Listen, kid. You need to grow a thicker skin, because you damn well know what it is I do here. You love the way I write when you agree with me, but now that we’ve got some minor political differences, suddenly I’m condescending? Get the fuck out of here.

And you know what? As long as you’re voting for Hillary, we can sit around all day and talk shit about her centrism, her hawkishness, or her shitty position on Palestine. It’s a bit of a stretch for you to define truth on behalf of the core Democratic constituency, but hey, we can ramble on about global inequality and environmental destruction and the faults of a two party system for as long as you like, as long as you’re voting for Hillary.

I promise, kid. Screaming you down for having reservations is not the fucking problem. People like you deciding to stay home on election day is the fucking problem, because if Hillary loses, all those other problems that you care so much about won’t mean dick in an administration run by a narcissistic demagogue.

Your frustration with the system is justified. Truly, it is, and I totally understand your desire to make the conversation about something else, but you’re a childish asshole if you think you actually can. The conversation is about Clinton vs. Trump. You don’t get to change that.

Have all the reservations you want. Hold your fucking nose in the voting booth if you must. Resent the shit out of me for telling you this, I really don’t give a fuck, but goddamnit vote for Hillary.

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Thoughts

On Backing Hillary 100%

151 Comments

If you take Trump out of the equation, are you still backing Hillary 100%? Is it a case of choosing the (far) lesser of two evils?

 

Hillary Clinton is a brilliant, honorable, and dedicated public servant who is more qualified to be President of the United States than any candidate in my lifetime. Fuck this “lesser of two evils” bullshit. This election is a clear case of choosing between a benevolent good and a malevolent evil.

Is Hillary perfect? Hell no. She’s got some major faults, but go ahead and cast those stones, because she’s also an undeniable badass who will get more shit done than any president since her husband. Good shit. The kind of shit that will actually improve the day-to-day lives of people like you and me. If she gets two terms, she’ll have the chance to nominate as many as four Supreme Court Justices. Fucking four. That alone is enough to steer this country in a progressive direction for the next half century, and Hillary has the chops to get her nominees confirmed.

I want to bitch-slap all the lingering Bernie Bros and Jill Stein Pollyannas who are either so latently misogynistic or waifishly leftist that they are incapable of recognizing how good they’ve got it with a candidate like Hillary. I want to scream at them to get their heads out of their asses and/or the fucking clouds. They can bitch and moan and hate the system all they want, but the system ain’t going anywhere, and when it comes time to work the system on our behalf, Hillary is who we want running shit.

And no, I refuse to take Trump out of the equation. We don’t get the luxury of doing that anymore. He is a brutal fucking reality, and he is dangerous. That spray-tanned megalomaniac will absolutely win the Presidency if you all don’t show up and vote. It really will happen, and how dare any of you let it when we’ve got such an amazing woman to rally behind.

Hillary Clinton is an ideal Democratic candidate and exactly what our country needs. I back her 100% with a huge fucking grin. I am as excited to vote for Hillary as I am filled with loathing for anyone who would vote for Donald Trump. I want her to win so badly that it makes my fucking teeth itch, and it scares the hell out of me to think that she might not.

It should scare the hell out of you too.

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