On Backing Hillary 100%


If you take Trump out of the equation, are you still backing Hillary 100%? Is it a case of choosing the (far) lesser of two evils?


Hillary Clinton is a brilliant, honorable, and dedicated public servant who is more qualified to be President of the United States than any candidate in my lifetime. Fuck this “lesser of two evils” bullshit. This election is a clear case of choosing between a benevolent good and a malevolent evil.

Is Hillary perfect? Hell no. She’s got some major faults, but go ahead and cast those stones, because she’s also an undeniable badass who will get more shit done than any president since her husband. Good shit. The kind of shit that will actually improve the day-to-day lives of people like you and me. If she gets two terms, she’ll have the chance to nominate as many as four Supreme Court Justices. Fucking four. That alone is enough to steer this country in a progressive direction for the next half century, and Hillary has the chops to get her nominees confirmed.

I want to bitch-slap all the lingering Bernie Bros and Jill Stein Pollyannas who are either so latently misogynistic or waifishly leftist that they are incapable of recognizing how good they’ve got it with a candidate like Hillary. I want to scream at them to get their heads out of their asses and/or the fucking clouds. They can bitch and moan and hate the system all they want, but the system ain’t going anywhere, and when it comes time to work the system on our behalf, Hillary is who we want running shit.

And no, I refuse to take Trump out of the equation. We don’t get the luxury of doing that anymore. He is a brutal fucking reality, and he is dangerous. That spray-tanned megalomaniac will absolutely win the Presidency if you all don’t show up and vote. It really will happen, and how dare any of you let it when we’ve got such an amazing woman to rally behind.

Hillary Clinton is an ideal Democratic candidate and exactly what our country needs. I back her 100% with a huge fucking grin. I am as excited to vote for Hillary as I am filled with loathing for anyone who would vote for Donald Trump. I want her to win so badly that it makes my fucking teeth itch, and it scares the hell out of me to think that she might not.

It should scare the hell out of you too.


On third party voters


I fucking love my boyfriend, but I’m running out of arguments against his libertarianism. He is truly team Gary Johnson 2016. Help me find the right words to express why I think libertarianism is insidious and not the whole picture?

(To be fair, he always listens to what I have to say and we’ve come to the uneasy agreement that, while we hold most of the same beliefs, he simply has more faith in “individual choice” than I do.)


Libertarianism is for selfish children. Your boyfriend is a selfish child. Worse than that, he’s an self-aggrandizing sanctimonious asshole who’d rather use his vote to make an empty, ego-gratifying statement about “individual choice” instead of eagerly voting for Hillary Clinton in light of a grotesque clown like Donald Trump being the Republican Nominee.

I detest people who vote for third party presidential candidates. Some of you are probably too young to remember, but Ralph Nader’s Green Party candidacy cost Al Gore the 2000 election. Contemptible fuck-puppets like your boyfriend are the reason we got George W. Bush.

I will never forgive the Green Party for their role in the 2000 election, and if a Gary Johnson/Jill Stein circle jerk gets in the way of Hillary Clinton winning the presidency, I will hate the Libertarian and Green Parties even more than I already do now.

I know you want me to give you the magic words that will remove your boyfriend’s head from his ass, but there aren’t any. He’s gonna sit up there on his insipid pile of half-assed libertarian principles and pretend he’s on moral high-ground, and there’s not a god damn thing you can do to stop him.

He knows Gary Johnson will never be President, and he knows there’s a real risk of Donald Trump winning, but he doesn’t care. He’s such a selfish piece of shit that he would rather stroke his own smug-fuck male ego than do his civic duty to prevent a narcissistic garbage monster from having the nuclear launch codes.

Your boyfriend can go fuck himself, and you can tell him I said that.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice


Are you playing Pokémon Go?
Fuck no.

Please answer a load of fun-sized questions about pokemon go.
Fuck no.

I’m sure you’ve recieved a million of these but please weigh in on the Swift-Kimye feud.
I did when I tweeted, Y’all can’t tell the difference between a snatch and a snitch.  (If you don’t get it, read this comment.)

New resolution: every time my dad gives me advice, I’m going to do the exact opposite.
Okay. (It worked for George Costanza.)

Do you think I am losing my independence by taking my future husband’s last name? I’ve always believed that feminism means both men and women should be able to do what they want without gender norms stopping them. So I want his name, but I get nervous it’ll set a bad example if we were to ever have a daughter.
If you want to take his name, take his name. If you don’t, don’t. Quit overthinking it. Your independence is demonstrated by exercising your choice. That’s the lesson you’ll teach your daughter.

my boyfriend follows hot girls he doesn’t know on Instagram. It doesn’t bother me, but it does bother me that he gets upset when I mention that a dude is hot. How is what he’s doing any different?
It’s not any different, except that what he’s doing is low-key creepy, and what you’re doing is perfectly normal. Also, welcome to the world of gender based double-standards. Get cozy.

This Convention is like dropping acid at a country club while someone plays Queen on a rented jukebox and someone spun the clock backwards. When will it end? It’s like a Fellini film glued to the back of my eyelids. It’s a screaming psychotic episode! Help!
Fellini? Nah. Too optimistic. Everything about 2016 has been directed by David Cronenberg.

In terms of percentages, how much should I laugh at the RNC situation versus cowering in fear?
100% laughter. No cowering. Fear is what those assholes are selling. Don’t buy it.


On your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend


I’m obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, or rather, with my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s self-presentation. I feel good with him — secure, everything — after a year of togetherness. I feel as pretty as I normally do, which is not that pretty, yet also not (I hope) overly concerned with my face. And yet I can’t stop looking at pictures of her face, her outfits, her new nails. I no longer remember when or why I started.

The other day, I started looking through her tagged images. From there I started looking through her friend’s Instagrams for pictures of herself she’d untagged. I noticed she had untagged a photo of herself with my boyfriend, taken with what seemed to be a selfie stick, from about a month after he and I started dating, when he said he was no longer seeing her. I want to ask him about it, but I don’t want him to know what I’ve been up to — not because it’s wrong, but because it will make me seem pathetic in his eyes. I’m sure she’s not spending hours looking at pictures of me.

Am I pathetic? Am I…sympathetic? How do I find enough sympathy for myself to stop doing this, and should I try to get sympathy from him, or will I only get — only deserve — scorn and pity?


On general principle, never be jealous of anyone with a selfie stick. That being said, as much as it would please you, I seriously doubt that your boyfriend would react with scorn and pity if you were to bring up a year-old Instagram of him and his ex. You’re aiming a bit too high with scorn and pity. Those are soap opera emotions, which I suppose is my polite way of calling you a drama queen…

Read the rest over at Real Life Magazine.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice


Why is sex with older men so hot?
Because the shift in power dynamics amplifies the experience.

How do you approach a work crush?
From behind with a net.

Should I shave my head?
If you feel that’s what you need to move on, then sure. Go ahead. Just be self-aware enough to know why you’re doing it.

Am I allowed to check up on a dude I dumped yesterday after we had dated for a month. He was really torn by the situation and I got worried (tears and all). Is a “how are you text?” wrong to send? I am concerned.
Unless your concern is one of safety that rises to a level that would necessitate calling 911, leave him the fuck alone. You dumped him. Have the strength of character to let him stay dumped. It’s not fair for you to give him glimmers of false hope just to make yourself feel better.

After a long night of sex and snorting cocaine off his massive dick, he looked at me squarely and said, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” I’ve heard some coke talk in my time, but this line was a killer. Is this blow talk or real talk?
If there was visible sunlight in the room at the time he said it, it was probably real talk. If the shades were drawn or it was still dark outside, it was probably coke talk.

What font are you? What font am I?
At the moment, I’m feeling a little Baskerville Roman, which means you’re Baskerville Bold Italics.

i’ve always imagined you to look like michelle pfeiffer circa scarface/batman returns. like, that’s the image i have of you in my head. if ever a coquette biopic happens, she should play you.
Are you unfamiliar with the human aging process? Michelle Pfeiffer is gorgeous, but she is older than my mother.

Sorry the sell-out comments are getting under your skin. People will buy your book. You are fun to read. The promotion is getting annoying though.
I don’t care. I’m super excited about my book, and no one’s cynicism is gonna get in the way of my fun. I’ll promote it all I want, and you can just soak in it until your fingers get all pruney.

Would you be mad if I waited until the paperback comes out? :/
I won’t be mad, but just so you know, you won’t be able to buy the paperback as cheaply as you can pre-order the hardcover today.

I wish you would blog about your life more.
Okay. That dude from my pros and cons list is in LA on business. The other day he got into an UberPool with one of my very best girlfriends from back in the day. He was like “I’m from such-and-such city” and she was like “Oh, do you know so-and-so” and he was like “Holy shit, yes, we’re fucking” and they ended up talking about me for the whole ride. They both texted me as soon as they got dropped off, and this world is too fucking small for words.


On some sage advice


You’re so desperate to sell your stupid book you’d rather answer questions that can serve you as a way to promote it more. What a shame, I come here for some sage advice I can relate to, not to see you answer obviously planted questions by you just so you can link your book to Amazon.

You’re a sellout to your own greed coke. Shame.


You want some sage advice? When a writer provides you with nearly a decade’s worth of free entertainment without so much as a single advertisement or sponsored content of any kind, you do not whine. You do not complain. You do not act like an ungrateful little shit-goblin by calling that writer a sellout.

What you do is show that writer some fucking respect and graciously click on the provided links and pre-order several copies of that writer’s book, because over the years the writer’s words have played a small but relevant part in your development as a human being, and you’ll eventually want to give the book as a gift to various people who are important in your life.

Then, after pre-ordering multiple copies of the book, you send a heart-felt note to that writer apologizing for your shitty attitude and rude behavior.

Shame, indeed.


On hearing you


I’ve written to you so many times and never gotten a response, and at this point I have no idea why I keep writing. It’s almost as depressing as sending dozens of resumes out into the world and never getting any responses…like, hello, does anyone even hear me? I try to communicate and connect but am I even making actual sounds, or did I just imagine that part? If a person is crying in a forest and no one is there to hear it, is her suffering even real?


I hear you.

I can’t possibly respond to even a fraction of the submissions I get, but I hear you.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice


Why do you think we need to share our feelings in order to feel them fully?
You don’t, but it’s certainly easier to understand them if you do.

What’s the difference between selling-out and changing your principles?
The sale itself.

You say dignity is inherent and cannot be lost, but then in other instances you accept it as fact that dignity can be lost. Which is it?
It’s both.

The idea of nothing instead of this constant pain, irritation and nightmare of maintenance is actually quite appealing.
Yes, but it’s the idea that’s appealing. Ideas require a mind. They require that you exist.

I’ve been single for two years now and I think I’ve forgotten how to love. What do I do now?
Nah, you’re good. Anyone capable of saying “I think I’ve forgotten how to love” is too dramatic to actually forget how to love.

I’m getting married in a couple days. Everyone around me is busy and doing things to get everything ready and all I want to do is sit alone and cry.
Then go sit alone and cry. I think you’ll find it to be a damn good use of your time.

It often scares me that I love my husband so much, and fills me with a sense of foreboding. Is this a bad sign?
Nope. It’s a good sign. It means your life is so good at the moment that your brain doesn’t know where to aim normal levels of anxiety.

How do I accept the fact that I’ll never be pretty? I know this seems like a trivial question but I think about it every day.
Base your self-worth on something other than your looks — preferably the quality of your character. (Everyone should do this.)

I’m glad those cops are dead. I wish all cops were dead. And I still think the world will be a better place when you finally kill yourself with cocaine. You are an ugly person.
Just so you know, you’re one of my favorites. I love getting your batshit submissions. They’re fucking hilarious, and I’d be happy to autograph a copy of my book for you.


On a simple fix


LOVE your advice! I’m gonna pre-order 6 books!

I am a 53 yr old widow of 2 years. I had a long successful marriage. Recently I have been seeing a 50 year old man- I’ll call him “W”- who’s had 2 short ,unhappy marriages and at least 2 short live-in relationships. We’re on the same wavelength as far as humor, sex, dancing, music, food, politics but there’s a confusing issue. When we have a disagreement he leaves. I have told him problems don’t get solved by running away. He wants us to see a counselor and I am not opposed to that but only want us to first try some things I think could help – like active listening. And actually talking through a disagreement.

We live an hour apart and have been spending most weekends at my house since March. I’m a retired teacher and he is a semi-retired contractor. Neither of us has adult children or money problems. We both agree that we want
our relationship to “work”. I have no doubts about my suitability for an attachment relationship. I can maintain interest, compassion, trust, and love and I am worthy of these emotional gifts from others. Not so sure W feels so worthy of love and connection. I do think he has an anxiety disorder and some form of hypochondria. Any thoughts ?


I’m so used to 22 year olds asking questions like this, it’s kinda nice to get one from someone your age. That being said, could you have used any other letter other than W? Now I can’t help but picture you dating George W. Bush, and as hilarious as that is, it’s not doing you any favors.

Also, I think your problem is adorable. You two sound like a lovely couple who happen to have different conflict styles. You’re collaborative. He’s avoidant. It’s a pretty simple fix if you go to counseling, so if that’s what he wants, I suggest you do it. It’s really a win-win for you, because the counselor is just gonna teach him active listening anyway, and I guarantee he’s more likely to use the skills if he thinks he learned them from a professional. Plus, if he’s got an anxiety disorder, you can bring that into the room and get him to start dealing with it.

(And thank you so much for pre-ordering a stack of my books. I really do appreciate it.)


On my upcoming book


I’m sure you get this one all the time, but if you put Dear Coquette (or even just your Best Ofs) between hard covers I would buy the shit out of it many times over. You’re the best.


So yeah, last month I announced on Twitter that a Dear Coquette book is finally happening, and if you’ve already pre-ordered your copy, thank you so, so much!

If you haven’t yet, please, please, please order it now. Order two. Hell, order ten. You’d be doing me a huge favor, because pre-orders are a super important part of the book’s eventual success.

As for the book itself, I’m in the final phase of the editing process, which means that now is the perfect time to open up the floor to any and all recommendations. If you have an all-time super-duper favorite Dear Coquette post that absolutely must be included in the book, use the comment section and let me know.

After all, this book is for you guys. I want you to love it!