Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

He bought us an expensive vibrator for couples that worked via an app for when he was away – but now that we’ve broken up, what do I do with it?
Well, with a little tinkering, you could always turn it into a detonator.

Your thoughts on friends who subtly throw shade and then say “just kidding” or otherwise make it so if you call them out, you’ll sound irrational and overemotional?

Quit being so easily manipulated by passive-aggressive cunts.

Why is it that having a stable relationship in my 20s, not partying or hooking up with other guys all the time, makes me feel like I’m wasting my life?

Take a step back and realize that you’re the type who’d feel like you were missing out either way.

Should I start my own clothing line?


I’m 38 and about to get divorced. Any advice? Shouldn’t I be sadder?

Fuck no. Congratulations. You’re getting out just in time for your mid-life crisis. It’ll be wonderful and terrible all at the same time. Do your best to grow as a person. Save your money. Don’t rush into anything.

What’s the difference between self-reflection and navel-gazing?

Other people’s opinion of you.

What is the point of it all?


Your thoughts on a guy who counts his sexual partners and boasts with his number?

Don’t fuck him. He’s terrible in bed.

I love your blog but it makes me feel really inadequate as a (young) theist virgin who doesn’t drink, smoke, hook up, or do drugs. Should it?

Nah. I was all of those things once. Just stay open minded, and you’ll be fine.


On a fuckboy

Well I like a guy who initiated our talks, got me to fall for him, and then went back saying that he cannot continue the relationship because he is still in love with his ex, who by the way is married and has two kids. So its like he is mourning a relationship which is 7 years old. Now he pushes me away and then writes sentimental messages that pull me. I am in a fix , is he indifferent, is he seriously in love with his ex, or is he playing me. P.S he has not given me any information about himself, but has all of mine.

Classic. You are being fucked with by an emotionally unavailable fuckboy. If you’re smart, you’ll never speak to him again.


On a future lawyer

I’ve been accepted to Stanford, Northwestern, Columbia, and Georgetown Law schools; as well as Sandra Day O’Connor at ASU (my sure thing, in case I didn’t get into any of the others).

Money isn’t a problem. Whichever one you tell me to attend, I will attend.

Damn. Congratulations. Go to Stanford.

(If you know now that you eventually want to practice law in New York or DC, then consider Columbia or Georgetown respectively, but only if there’s value in establishing yourself in those cities during law school.)


On getting a raise

I have a boring adulthood question for you. My rent is going up, I need to buy a car this summer, and my hourly wage is not keeping up. I work at a large university; the positions are very structured and extremely carefully regulated by HR. That is to say, raises and promotions don’t really happen around here. Generally, to get paid more, one must look for another exiting position. I really like my department and my coworkers. I’ve been doing some extra work recently to cover for a coworker who is on maternity leave. Also, there’s a possibility of a promotion in a year when my supervisor retires. Do I a) ask for a raise, even though it’s very unusual; b) sit tight, build karma, and hope the promotion pans out; or c) just look for another (probably less pleasant but higher paying) job?

You’re forgetting option D: Find another job that pays more and use it as leverage for a raise in your current job. (That’s how you get raises and promotions in places that don’t usually offer them.) Of course, the trick is you actually have to deserve the raise. Your bosses have to be willing to go to bat for you with HR. They have to want you to stay more than you want to leave. You can’t be easily replaceable, and it’s a card you can only play once every few years at the most. (You also have to be fully willing to leave and take the other job. You can’t be bluffing, but then again, if they aren’t willing to keep you, then they probably weren’t ever gonna promote you.)


On boredom and chaos

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and I love him so much. He’s truly my partner in everything. We adopted a dog recently and we’re moving into our own place in a few months. Everything is sort of gliding effortlessly forward and that scares me for some reason. I’ve never had a relationship last this long that didn’t have some serious red flags by now. He is so supportive and reliable. Since I met him my life has become much more calm and stable, but sometimes that also seems boring. It’s like we’re too comfortable with each other, which I know sounds like complaining that my jewels are too heavy. How to I keep from becoming ungrateful for this life we have together? How do you keep this sort of thing fresh?

The relationship isn’t boring. Life is boring, and you’re just now noticing for the first time as an adult because you aren’t being distracted by some youthful flavor of chaos.

If you want to keep from becoming ungrateful, do some serious soul-searching and identify exactly what’s missing in your life now that you’re in a stable, healthy relationship. “Things aren’t fresh anymore” isn’t a good enough answer. Be very fucking specific, and very fucking honest with yourself. Remember, fresh isn’t the same thing as exciting, and excitement isn’t the same thing as chaos.

If you can’t come up with a specific and valid problem other than the mild state of boredom known as everyday life, then guess what? This is as good as it gets. Take that as good news or bad. Either way, you’d be wise not to go searching for a taste of chaos. That shit isn’t a spice.


On a sexting conspiracy

I read your advice blog all the time and recently used it yesterday when I found sexts from another woman to my husband on my home computer.  I want to forward you the email bc it has incriminating pictures I need to send to a third party I can trust.  I think my husband might try to delete it through my email; he already deleted the photos on dropbox and changed his password.  Thanks for you help I would not have known to do this without you.

Okay, first of all, gross. I really didn’t need to open up my inbox this morning to find it filled with pics of this hoochie’s pale open ass and beer-soaked tits. Not cool.

In the future, if you’re in a hurry to stash photos like this, don’t email them to an anonymous stranger on the internet. I appreciate that you trust me, but you don’t know me, and it’s ridiculously inappropriate for you to enlist me in your little conspiracy without my consent.

Just so you know, I won’t be keeping them. Delete. Delete. Delete. Sorry, kiddo, but I’m not some revenge porn escrow agent. I want no part of your drama. In the future, create your own secret gmail account and forward the incriminating photos to that address.

Also, never send threats via email. No doubt this bitch is a home wrecker, and she deserves a warning, but the email you sent her contains an overt threat of retaliation. Shit like that is stupid and dangerous. It can be used against you. Point is, do what you gotta do, but don’t leave a trail of evidence behind with your name on it.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I don’t get why you’re down with Hillary (as opposed to grudgingly accepting her). I thought of you as more radical than that.
I’m actually down with Bernie Sanders. He’ll get my money, time, and support for as long as he can stay in the race. Hillary will end up getting my vote, because we live in a two party plutocracy, and she’ll ultimately win the Democratic nomination.

What’s the next step after realizing you’re a narcissist?

Stop behaving like one.

One of my worst fears is getting fat, and I hate myself for it.

You’ve got that backwards. You hate yourself, and therefore one of your worst fears is getting fat.

Are you anti-marriage?

I’m indifferent to marriage, but I’m anti-religion and anti-patriarchy.

Rent or buy in LA?

If you plan on owning the property for at least five years and you qualify for a 30 year fixed with rates and insurance under 5%, go ahead and buy. Otherwise, just rent. Remember to factor in property tax, HOA fees, and LADWP rates when comparing monthly costs of ownership versus rental.

Where would you put sex on Maslow’s hierarchy?

That depends entirely on your motivation for sex.

I’m not brave enough to commit suicide but I can’t stand being alive. I don’t know what to do.

Being alive is temporary enough. If you want to act bravely, find a way to unburden yourself by changing your circumstances. I don’t know you, so I can’t tell you how, but the sum total of all your pain only equals your burden. It does not equal your life.

What is “normcore” all about?

It’s not about anything. Think of normcore as the antimatter of fashion. It’s anti-aesthetic as aesthetic, which is inherently a self-annihilating concept, because the moment you identify something as normcore, it becomes fashion, and therefore ceases to be normcore.

He’s “crazy about” me but not going to be monogamous because he doesn’t want to “deprive himself” of any possible experiences he could encounter. Tell me what I already know.

He’s selfish, but in a typical way. He’s honest, but in a self-serving way. He’s not in love with you, but then again, you’re not in love with him either. This isn’t you feeling heartbroken. This is you feeling annoyed because your pussy isn’t lined with gold.


On a contender

He’s a twenty-nine year old business owner with an enormous personality, well traveled, well read too. He’s incredibly nice but he’s ring leader of his wild circus of asshole friends.

I’m a twenty-three year old college dropout who’s back in school and just came through the tail end of my depression. I’m nice, I read, but am a very good (boring) girl who over thinks everything.

Please just tell me why it’s not going to work out before I fall tits up in love with him and his Ewan McGregor smile? I want to think that in time I can become a contender but that seems…unrealistic. Give it to me Coquette; hurt me so he can’t.

If you need me to point out a bunch of red flags and tell you why a particular relationship is doomed, I can do that, but that’s not what you’re really asking me. You just want me to say the magic words that will protect you from emotional vulnerability. Sorry, kiddo. There’s no such thing as magic.

Pain is inevitable. Relationships end. You are going to get hurt — maybe by this guy, but definitely by someone you care about, and there’s nothing you can do but accept it. If you live your life trying to avoid the possibility of future pain, you will end up a numb and timid creature without any stories worth telling.

Go ahead and fall tits up in love. Enjoy the feeling while it lasts. Just promise me you’ll quit thinking of yourself as a contender. That mindset is poisonous. You are worthy of him. Timing and circumstance might prevent you two from ending up in a relationship, but no matter what else happens, you are fucking worthy of him.


On Bruce Jenner

Did you watch the Bruce Jenner interview? Will you watch his tv series when it comes out? Please tell me what to think about all that.

Out of respect for the transgender community, I bit my tongue on the night of Bruce Jenner’s interview. I support his decision to transition — I support anyone’s decision to transition — but where everyone else seems to have witnessed an exercise in courage, all I saw was a display of calculated narcissism, albeit through a masterful manipulation of the mainstream news.

Go ahead and call me a cynic, but let’s not forget that first and foremost, Bruce Jenner is still very much a rich old white Republican from the ultimate family of loathsome celebrity whores, and as likable and charming as he may have appeared during that interview, any person who openly proclaims that he was “put on this earth” to “change the world” through nothing but his own shallow fame isn’t doing it because he’s courageous.

Of course, we still live in a world where a certain measure of courage is required for anyone to come out as transgender, but Bruce Jenner will be transitioning from a safe and privileged position of personal celebrity, financial security, and unconditional love and support from those close to him. He is very, very lucky.

I can’t think of a single other transgender person who began their transition with that much privilege, and now Bruce is the one with the TV show. That’s what bothers me the most.

Honestly, I’m a little bit terrified that Bruce, the Jenner family, and a handful of reality television executives at E! are gonna be the ones who frame the largest discussion of transgender issues in American popular culture to date, because that’s what’s about to happen.

This upcoming TV show is going to be huge, and while I’m all for more transgender representation in the media, I’m also wary, because these same people are responsible for a decade’s worth of pop cultural pollution, and I just don’t know if they’re up to the task of handling this kind of subject matter with the grace and gravitas it deserves.

Then again, maybe they’ll pull it off. Who knows? I hope they do. This shit is too important for it to wind up another cartoonish reality shit show.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Are you down with Elizabeth Warren?
Fuck yeah, but not as a presidential candidate. Ideally, I’d like to see Hillary appoint her Treasury Secretary in the new administration and then sit back and watch as she makes the finance industry her bitch.

Why do I hate it when my (privileged) college friends call my dad ‘blue collar’ and ‘salt of the earth’?

Because those phrases are code for poor and unsophisticated.

Which languages do you think will be the most economically valuable to know for the future?

English and Mandarin are the two most valuable. If you have time for a third, consider Arabic. If your life is more Eurocentric, learn French. If your life is more Americentric, learn Spanish.

Why do I get irrationally angry when people say, “Well, it just wasn’t in God’s plan” in reference to my inability to afford the school I really had my heart set on?

Because it’s a perfect encapsulation of all the futility and ignorance you’re trying to escape by going to a good school in the first place.

My friends are graduating and leaving – interstate, overseas, places I can’t go visit on a scholarship income – and for better or worse I’ve committed to staying on and studying further. I’m starting to get really panicked about the prospect of being left here alone. What can I do?

You have to make new friends as you enter this next phase of your life. This is a thing that will happen pretty consistently every five to seven years. Don’t be afraid of it.

some girl posted on Facebook that people who aren’t black shouldn’t use the black emojis. is that super annoying of her or is that just me?

Delete your fucking Facebook.

Do you think Scientology will ever crumble?

Of course it will. At the end of the day, it’s just a multi-generational tax dodge. I give it a few more decades before it collapses under the weight of its own sinister ridiculousness.