Advice

On an eventful night

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I went out drinking with some friends last night. It was eventful, and now I have the phone number of a very nice male stripper who is really into me. I looked him up on Facebook (because I couldn’t remember what he looked like), and it seems like he’s extremely conservative (like, I think he might be a GW Bush supporter). I do remember that he’s a good dancer, was respectful of my personal space, and helped me find my friends at the end of the night. Not even sure what my question is. What’s a good hangover food?

A good hangover food is the celery stalk that comes with a freshly made Bloody Mary.

Also, you should totally go on a date with the Republican stripper, if for no other reason than for the rest of your life you’ll be able to use the phrase, “that one time I dated a Republican stripper.”

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Advice

On a quick comeback

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Coquette, you have been such an incredible influence in my life over the past five years. I didn’t realize how much you meant until you were so rudely taken away. Your prose is so clear, crisp and cutting, it’s one of the most refreshing things on the internet. Like a lot of people, I used to troll old posts just to remind myself of some shit I needed to hear- not just your advice, but hearing about the experience of others or conversations your readers would get into. This was a feminist, humanist, intellectual space where people worked shit out and it was awesome to see.

Please keep writing, and if you can, share it. Though to be honest I’ll be just as happy if you publish shit and I have to go buy it. I would probably get more work done on my computer anyway. But yeah, thank you. You have changed a lot of people’s lives, probably more than you think. So many of us don’t find their real life Coke Talk until a lot of these shitty mistakes have already been made, and so many of us need to be reminded that we’re entitled to some fucking dignity. Thank you.

 

Nah, thank you. Thank all of you. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve appreciated the kind words you guys have sent my way these past few days.

I’m not sure what my personal blogging plans are for the coming weeks and months, but I wanted to get Dear Coquette back up and running as quickly as possible. I don’t know how permanent this new version will be, but I think it’s a pretty decent emergency solution. The notes and comments are unfortunately lost, and some of the links within the text are probably broken, but almost all of the posts themselves were salvaged.

The good news is, my submission system never missed a beat. I still have every one of the hundreds of thousands of letters you’ve sent me over the years, and as long as you all keep sending them, I’ll keep answering them.

Thanks again, and be sure and subscribe for news and updates as I figure out what’s next.

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Advice

On being terminated

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WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOUR OTHER TUMBLR?? AH! 

Tumblr terminated the coketalk account this morning. Again.

After the last time this happened, I made a separate backup account over at killcoketalk, but they deleted that too.

I’ll be blogging from notcoketalk until I figure out what’s next.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

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I don’t want a diamond engagement ring. In fact, I think I just want an elegant band, but I can’t find the right one and I don’t really know where to look. You’re like my cool older sister with better taste – can you point me in the right direction?
I dunno, I kinda dig the political poetry in opting to wear a men’s wedding band as your engagement ring. Just pick your metal, and look for a classic band with a thin profile.


I fucked a guy with a wife and baby on the way. He just got married but he’s been living with the girl for more than 5 years. I don’t even know if I like him. It’s just I want – SO BADLY – for him to like me. It’s the lowest I have ever GONE. And I need some slaps in my face to snap out of it.

You know what you did was wrong, so let’s set aside your shitty behavior for a moment and help you recognize a deeper truth: The worst thing about you is that you believe you need to fuck a guy in order to get him to like you.


Smack dab in a love triangle. Love both people. No idea what to do, but leaning toward removing myself from the both of them until I at least get my shit together. Is that the right thing to do?

If your goal is to let the chips fall where they may, then personally, I’ve always found it’s much more fun to choose both than to choose neither.


Are you down with Edward Snowden?

Yes. I am down with Edward Snowden. (Will you please stop asking now? It’s been months, and this odd little question is starting to get creepy.)


Is honesty cruel when it boils down to “I am no longer sexually attracted to you”?

I can be. Cruelty isn’t a product of the honest words. It’s a product of how, when, and why you deliver them.


Sex with friends, without feelings, for shits and giggles: Good idea?

Sure, but be careful what you mean when you say “without feelings.”


What exactly is a player?

One who participates in the game.


How does one have a threesome with two gay men, as a girl, without being incredibly disappointing?

The same way you avoid disappointment in all things: adjust your expectations so that they align with reality.

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Advice

On cutting her out of your life

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For years me and my brother have been living with abuse from my mother. She’s had a rough life riddled with the most terrible shit and mental illness to go with it.

Recently, we’ve come to the end of our ropes with her. The abuse has affected both of us in our adult lives –manifesting in social anxiety and fear of confrontation.

I want to cut her out of my life, but I don’t know if I should just stop speaking to her forever or write a letter detailing the harm done and why I can no longer have her in my life.

To make the whole thing more difficult, and honestly the reason why we’re still in contact with her at all, she threatens to kill herself whenever anyone confronts her about this behaviour. A part of me is afraid of pushing her over the edge, because we’re all she has left. But, I guess another part of me is wanting to call her bluff.

Is my thinking clear? Am I completely fucked up on the matter? I feel altogether ill-equipped for this situation. While I want to choose inaction, she’s been forcing my hand by harassing me with messages.

Thank you for listening if you have the time. I hope you’re keeping hydrated.


Write the letter, but write it for yourself knowing that you’re not going to send it to your mother. Be brutally honest, don’t edit yourself, and put it all down on paper. It will be a useful exercise in expressing exactly what you wish you could say to her.

Once you’ve written it, set it aside for a while. Come back to it whenever you need to add more thoughts. Feel free to start new drafts. Let it become a living document, a reference for all the negative shit you feel. Give it a while for the message to solidify and become strong.

In the meantime, try not to interact with your mother unless it’s on your terms. Establish firm boundaries and practice enforcing them. Eventually, your goal will be to only have contact when and if you want it. Cutting her out of your life will be a process, so don’t stop speaking to her all at once. Like you said, you aren’t equipped for that yet.

She may be your mother, but you’re the one who makes the rules now. She doesn’t get to force your hand. Don’t give her that power, and don’t let her manipulate you with threats of self harm.

Remember, you can’t choose inaction. All of this will be a deliberate, active choice, so let it be a conscious decision that comes from a place of strength.

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Advice

On my fingerprints

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Your fingerprints are all over the new season of Orange is the New Black.

And I see you schilling out for Netflix shit right now in preparation for when you talk about Orange – because you will, and have for the last two seasons- so that it doesn’t seem suspicious. You’ve clearly got a thing going with Netflix, and that’s why you’re schilling for them in the first place.

Which made me wonder if maybe your blog was started all the way back in 2009 as a sort of preemptive grass-roots advertising movement devised personally for Netflix by our generation’s Leo Burnett. That would take some extreme foresight and dedication to carrying out that plan, though, because it was certainly a long pay off. It depressed me to think of you in that way- whoever you are- so I decided to table that idea for later.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that the Nicky episode is real on point. I felt real feelings watching that entire episode, from top to bottom.

I also wanted you to know that I can see that you’ve spent the last three years dipping your pen in a lot of different ink, and I appreciate the impact you’re having on popular culture- whether it’s through work that you are personally doing, or through just putting your ideas out there on the internet for other people to read and integrate into their own work.

Thank you for that. Godspeed, bitch.


Okay, I appreciate the kind words, but you’re a little bit paranoid if you think I’m part of some grandiose Madison Avenue conspiracy.

I don’t shill. I make Netflix recommendations because I have a subscription. I’m the one paying them. They are not paying me. (Although I’d be happy to sell them a TV show.)

I haven’t started OINTB3 yet. It’s something I’ll have to binge watch, and I don’t have enough free time until later this month, but now you’ve got me curious about what you think my fingerprints look like.

Thanks for giving me more credit than I deserve. Godspeed back at’cha.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

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He bought us an expensive vibrator for couples that worked via an app for when he was away – but now that we’ve broken up, what do I do with it?
Well, with a little tinkering, you could always turn it into a detonator.


Your thoughts on friends who subtly throw shade and then say “just kidding” or otherwise make it so if you call them out, you’ll sound irrational and overemotional?

Quit being so easily manipulated by passive-aggressive cunts.


Why is it that having a stable relationship in my 20s, not partying or hooking up with other guys all the time, makes me feel like I’m wasting my life?

Take a step back and realize that you’re the type who’d feel like you were missing out either way.


Should I start my own clothing line?

Nope.


I’m 38 and about to get divorced. Any advice? Shouldn’t I be sadder?

Fuck no. Congratulations. You’re getting out just in time for your mid-life crisis. It’ll be wonderful and terrible all at the same time. Do your best to grow as a person. Save your money. Don’t rush into anything.


What’s the difference between self-reflection and navel-gazing?

Other people’s opinion of you.


What is the point of it all?

Pointlessness.


Your thoughts on a guy who counts his sexual partners and boasts with his number?

Don’t fuck him. He’s terrible in bed.


I love your blog but it makes me feel really inadequate as a (young) theist virgin who doesn’t drink, smoke, hook up, or do drugs. Should it?

Nah. I was all of those things once. Just stay open minded, and you’ll be fine.

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Advice

On a fuckboy

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Well I like a guy who initiated our talks, got me to fall for him, and then went back saying that he cannot continue the relationship because he is still in love with his ex, who by the way is married and has two kids. So its like he is mourning a relationship which is 7 years old. Now he pushes me away and then writes sentimental messages that pull me. I am in a fix , is he indifferent, is he seriously in love with his ex, or is he playing me. P.S he has not given me any information about himself, but has all of mine.


Classic. You are being fucked with by an emotionally unavailable fuckboy. If you’re smart, you’ll never speak to him again.

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Advice

On a future lawyer

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I’ve been accepted to Stanford, Northwestern, Columbia, and Georgetown Law schools; as well as Sandra Day O’Connor at ASU (my sure thing, in case I didn’t get into any of the others).

Money isn’t a problem. Whichever one you tell me to attend, I will attend.


Damn. Congratulations. Go to Stanford.

(If you know now that you eventually want to practice law in New York or DC, then consider Columbia or Georgetown respectively, but only if there’s value in establishing yourself in those cities during law school.)

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Advice

On getting a raise

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I have a boring adulthood question for you. My rent is going up, I need to buy a car this summer, and my hourly wage is not keeping up. I work at a large university; the positions are very structured and extremely carefully regulated by HR. That is to say, raises and promotions don’t really happen around here. Generally, to get paid more, one must look for another exiting position. I really like my department and my coworkers. I’ve been doing some extra work recently to cover for a coworker who is on maternity leave. Also, there’s a possibility of a promotion in a year when my supervisor retires. Do I a) ask for a raise, even though it’s very unusual; b) sit tight, build karma, and hope the promotion pans out; or c) just look for another (probably less pleasant but higher paying) job?


You’re forgetting option D: Find another job that pays more and use it as leverage for a raise in your current job. (That’s how you get raises and promotions in places that don’t usually offer them.) Of course, the trick is you actually have to deserve the raise. Your bosses have to be willing to go to bat for you with HR. They have to want you to stay more than you want to leave. You can’t be easily replaceable, and it’s a card you can only play once every few years at the most. (You also have to be fully willing to leave and take the other job. You can’t be bluffing, but then again, if they aren’t willing to keep you, then they probably weren’t ever gonna promote you.)

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