Advice

On saying weird shit during sex

Okay: Four dates, spread out over two months. On the fourth date, dude tells me he loves me–twice–while he is inside of me. I didn’t respond. I am not in love with this person.

My question: Was that a fucked up move on dude’s part? I’m not furiously angry or anything, just kind of… bleck. Have this feeling of “Yeah that was unfortunate, maybe fucked up” feeling about it.

 

As a general rule, people are allowed to say weird shit when they’re fucking me and I don’t hold it against them. It’s an intimacy thing. If a dude needs to say he loves me to cum, I’m okay with it, and after four dates, I also know not to take it personally. (Believe me, I’ve heard much stranger shit than “I love you.”) That being said, if he keeps it weird afterwards by repeatedly wanting to talk about it or if he continues to make inappropriate professions of love, then that’s something you should squash quickly.

I don’t hear you telling me that this guy is falling too hard for you. I hear you complaining about some words he said during sex. One is a problem, the other is just a minor kink. You’ll soon know which one you’ve got on your hands, and in the meantime, don’t let the weirdness stick to you. Shake that shit off and go about your day.

Standard
Best-Of Advice

On sunk costs and shitty marriages

Hi Coke, as I edge closer to 30 and more of my friends are starting to settle down, I’m starting to notice a weird pattern among some. There’s been quite a few instances where friends who have been in serious relationships with their partners for 5+ years, many for a decade, seem to part ways shortly after getting hitched. They are happy, in love, dedicated, super enthusiastic about their wedding and then they get married and suddenly something seems to crack and they split up very shortly thereafter. In most cases it’s happened in much less than a year after the wedding. It’s so weird. They’ve all lived together for multiple years, had pets together for years, and all that grown up shit but somehow signing a piece of paper changes things? I don’t understand. What’s different? Thanks in advance for your insight!

 

You’re looking at it all wrong. It’s not the piece of paper that changes things. The piece of paper and the marriage that it represents are merely symptoms of the larger problem, which is that by and large, human beings are terrible at making rational decisions where emotions are involved, and people rarely have the self-discipline to cut their losses and walk away.

The phenomenon that you’ve observed is a prime example of something called the “sunk-cost fallacy” applied to relationships. The sunk-cost fallacy is faulty reasoning that further investment (i.e. marriage) is warranted on the fact that the resources already invested (i.e. time, energy, and a sizable chunk of their youth) will be lost otherwise, not taking into consideration the overall losses involved in further investment (i.e. the emotional and financial misery of the inevitable divorce.)

People in their late twenties who’ve spent years in long-term relationships are faced with increasing pressure from social systems to conform to the proper stage of life transitions. Everyone and everything (often times even their own biology) are constantly nagging them to settle down, get married, start breeding, etc., and so they fall prey to this faulty reasoning and decide to plow through to the next stage of life regardless of whether their relationship is healthy.

You’ve got a shit-ton of aging Millennials limping along in stale relationships who don’t know any better because they’ve spent the last half-decade having the same arguments in the same restaurants and then going home and having the same sex with the same person, and rather than disappoint their parents by going through the temporary pain of a much needed break-up, they throw a Hail Mary pass with the mother of all major life decisions and decide to get married. Fuck it. Why not? What’s the worst that could happen? So they forge ahead with big smiles.

Of course they’re super enthusiastic about getting married — they have to be. They’re on a year long roller-coaster ride of planning a wedding. Sure, they’re secretly terrified of their relationship’s mediocrity, but all that existential angst gets hurled to the edges as they start doing loops. With a little denial and a decent bachelorette party, they can almost convince themselves that everything is going to be all right. For a good long while they get to soak up all that positive reinforcement from friends and family. They get to be the center of attention, and they get to feel all grown-up. Eventually the big day comes. They say a few magic words, they cut a cake, and then suddenly all the fun stuff stops.

I don’t have to tell you what happens next. You’ve seen it. Within a few months the reality of “til death do us part” comes along and slaps them in the face like a big wet dick. They realize they’re actually pretty miserable, and then it finally dawns on them that they don’t actually have to be together.

Basically, the marriage itself is just an extended director’s cut of their break-up. It’s gross, I know, but we’re flawed creatures in a flawed system. This is just one of those things that happens.

Standard
Advice

On running for congress

God I hope you read this one.

Someone working with the Democratic Party approached me and encouraged me to run for US House of Representatives. It’s a red district in a blue state, but the district went for Hillary in ’16, and has gone for democratic presidential candidates since at least 2000.

Coke, I’ll barely be 30 by election day. I have no formal government experience, but I am politically active in small ways. The thought of running for something this big is terrifying, but the incumbent is a dick, and I keep coming back to the fact that even though it’s scary, somebody has to do it. Why not me?

I have major imposter syndrome about doing this, but at the same time it feels like the rulebook has been thrown out and everything is upside down. Since the 2016 election I’ve been thinking more and more about running for something, but didn’t think I actually would for another decade or so. It feels crazy and unattainable, and yet maybe a millennial with healthcare experience is exactly who we need in office right now. Maybe it’s time for a paradigm shift.

I guess my question is: should I do this?

 

Fuck yes, you should do it. Run. Campaign your face off. Win.

You’re young, but you are ready for this. I know it seems terrifying, and I get the whole impostor syndrome thing, but I promise, you can totally do the job. Not to be a dick, but a trained monkey could do the job. Congress is filled with idiots and empty haircuts. You’ll be shocked at how many grinning simpletons there are and how few noble geniuses. You can be one of the good ones. I’m serious. You really can do it.

Let me know if you need any help. If you decide to run, I’ll be there for you every step of the way. Hell, if you turn out to be cool, I might even help raise you some money.

Go on. Do it. Get on out there and fight the good fight.

Standard
Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Is it over?
Fuck no.

Pleaseee post another monthly playlist!! Hope you’re doing cool secret shit.
Yeah, here’s a new long-overdue playlist.

What is the difference between giving up and letting go?
It’s the difference between submission and surrender.

Why am I so upset that the guy who dumped me because he was “too busy to date” now has a Tinder?
Because you take shit personally when shit isn’t about you.

I got into McGill, and I’m French so I can pay low tuition, should I leave the US to go to Canada for college?
McGill is a great school. If you can handle the weather up there, absolutely.

One year ago today he told me that he loved me for the first time. Tomorrow he leaves for Italy, permanently. We decided to split when he goes, and it’s the right decision, but why does it feel like I’ll never be in love again?
Because that’s what it’s supposed to feel like right now. Enjoy the pain. It’s all part of the adventure.

Did you ever foresee the day when you’d agree with Dubya?
Ugh. I’m so fucking pissed that Donald Trump is giving George W. Bush the opportunity to become an elder statesman.

Has Trump diminished CQ? I feel like it would be business as usual on this site if Hillary was President 🙁
It’s not our dumbfuck president. I’ve got real life shit going on. Most of it’s good, but incredibly draining. At some point in 2017 it will probably go back to business as usual, but for now, I can only give you what I got.

My mom and some of her boyfriends molested me growing up. I’m 22 now and planning to meet her and kill her. Why shouldn’t I?
You won’t get away with it, and she isn’t worth spending the rest of your life incarcerated.

Do you think being intelligent makes it more difficult to find a life partner?
No, but being stupid might make it easier.

My boyfriend said that he doesn’t have sex because he loves me: “sex is more animal than that.” I can’t articulate how I feel about that, but I don’t think it’s good. What do I think of it? What do I do?
He’s either bullshitting you because he’s got serious sexual issues, or he’s telling the truth because he’s got serious sexual issues. Either way, break up with him. He ain’t worth the trouble.

Is it inherently conceited to think “I could do better” as regards sexual/romantic partners?
Only if you can’t.

I did it. I broke up with him. What’s more, I won’t be leaving in the middle of the night with a backpack. I’m standing my ground. I live here. Thank you for your silent support.
Proud of you.

I feel super fucking lame for being as in love with my boyfriend as I am.
No you don’t.

Why would a black guy continue to text a white girl who is obviously fetishizing him?
Because pussy.

Who the hell did Dolly Parton vote for?
Hillary.

Standard
Thoughts

On being capitalists

We are not all capitalists. The vast, vast, vast majority of us are labor. We work for a living. Why are you lying to these people? Kellyanne, is that you?

 

When I say we’re all capitalists, I mean it in the same way that we’re all 60% water. If you are alive in America today, then you are a product of late-stage capitalism. Your personal beliefs are irrelevant. Your socio-economic status is irrelevant. Your politics are irrelevant — you are a tiny little piece of capitalism, and you don’t have a choice.

This isn’t about your freshmen level Marxism or your anarchy tattoo or anything else you’ve built into your identity that you think separates you from the system. If you’ve got access to the internet and the occasional cheeseburger, then calling yourself labor is just a distinction without a difference.

That’s not me being pro-capitalism or fiscally conservative or anything else so grotesque as to be worthy of the name Kellyanne. Fuck that. I’m all for infusing the American experiment with as much socialism as possible, but I also have a grip on reality, and I recognize that a deliberate refusal to accept the fundamentals of our economic system is just a left wing version of willful ignorance, and I fucking detest willful ignorance.

Sorry, kid. I’m with Nancy Pelosi on this one: “We’re capitalists. That’s just the way it is.”

Standard
Advice

On more fun-sized advice

2016 was the year you died as my hero. I wouldn’t be surprised if you started being okay with banning words and inciting violence against conservatives. Still, we had some good times together. I’ll always cherish you for that. But for fuck’s sake, can you answer some fun questions like you used to?
I’d punch a thousand Nazis in the face before I’d ban a single word. As for fun questions, here you go:

Kill, Marry, Fuck: Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Steve Bannon
Kill Donald Trump. (Duh.) Fuck Mike Pence in a sex tape scandal so he’s forced to resign. Marry Steve Bannon and immediately take half his money in the divorce after he slaps me around on our wedding night.

Fuck, marry, kill: The bastard child of Andy Warhol and Edgar J. Hoover, Nikola Tesla, Farrah Fawcett.
Kill the Bastard Child of Andy Warhol and J. Edgar Hoover. (Because that sounds like a really cool movie.) Fuck Farrah Fawcett (Mainly for the alliteration.) Marry Nikola Tesla (I like ‘em smart.)

Fuck, marry, kill: Freud, Jung, Lacan. (I apologise: I’m *really* high.)
Kill Lacan. (I’d cut off his dick with a mirror.) Fuck Freud. (The sex would include oral, anal, and genital.) Marry Jung. (Mainly because I wanna be in a poly relationship with Emma Rauschenbach.)

Worst case scenario query: Would you rather have The Donald go down on you or eat Kellyanne Conway’s box?
Both at the same time, on camera, for the whole world to see as evidence at the impeachment. (Don’t ever say I’m not willing to sacrifice for my country.)

Do you support Calexit?
Fuck no. I’d let Texas go, but never California.

Are you a capitalist?
We’re all capitalists, darling. The best of us are merely reluctant and try to cram as much socialism in with it as possible.

But can Canadians do anything?
Stay cool and re-elect Justin.

I feel really lost without you at a time like this. I wish you could be our leader. Would you ever run for office?
I’m not the one who runs for office. I’m the one who gets fucked up with senators and congressmen and then changes their minds.

can my life get any lower than dropping out of art school
It’s not as bad as you think. Trust me. Go find your hustle, get shit done, and make your own way. Do that, and I promise that in ten years, “art school dropout” will carry a lot more weight than “art school graduate.”

I’ve just realized I’ve been writing my secrets in this little box since I was a teenager. That’s beautiful. I love you.
I have them all here. It is beautiful. Thank you.

Standard
Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Will you be attending the Woman’s March on the 21st?
Yes.

Dating a guy, just slept with him and it was terrible. Try to fix it, or leave in search of greener pastures?
The word “terrible” isn’t much to go on. If you like the guy and it was just accidentally awkward and confusing, then give him a couple attempts to find his footing. If you don’t really know how you feel about him and the sex was deliberately thoughtless or disrespectful, then immediately get the fuck out.

Do we really want to get Trump impeached in 2018? I loath the man and everything he stands for, but isn’t Pence worse?
No. Pence is not worse. He is demonstrably horrible, but if Trump were to be removed from office, the Vice President would be so thoroughly hobbled by the impeachment process and a freshly elected midterm Democratic majority that his Presidency would be reduced to a short, shame-filled exercise in seat-warming until the 2020 election.

What is your take on the unbelievably insane Golden Showers situation that quite frankly sounds completely plausible? What are your thoughts, and what will be the outcome? Everyone’s getting into it, but I feel your eloquence and savagery is required.
Of course it’s plausible. I’ve never fucked a rich man who wasn’t into some super kinky shit. Honestly, a little piss play with Russian hookers barely moves the needle on my freak-o-meter. The Trump Presidential Library will most certainly have an adult section, but that’s not at all important. What matters is, can he do the job? JFK was fucking movie stars two at a time, but damnit, the man knew how to lead a country. Can the same be said for Trump? Hell no. Don’t let the titillating nonsense distract you from the glaring reality that Trump is grossly unqualified for the Presidency.

Is it really as simple as to just… stop? Train myself out of certain maladaptive behaviors? I’ve been skeptical of the “fake it til you make it” tribe but maybe that’s what I have to do in order to quit being a neurotic asshole. Thoughts?
Yes. It really is that simple, but simple ain’t easy.

We’ve been dating a year and a half and suddenly I’ve gotten a dose of jealousy. Everything is status quo, but I get a twinge of something whenever I think of him having been with another girl. I don’t like this sensation and the logical part of my brain knows I need to chill the fuck out and let the past be in the past, but this doesn’t always help. How do I fix this?
A threesome.

Your advice works.
Yeah, I know.

I’m getting to know a guy from Bumble. Checks all the boxes: job, house, close with family, no kids, etc. However, he told me yesterday that he was addicted to pain pills and has been clean for 4 years. Is this a giant red flag?
Not if it was after some kind of injury or surgery that he can specifically point to and say, “this is how it started.” If he can’t do that, then there’s more to the story that he’s not telling you, and the real red flag has yet to be unfurled.

I’ve been following you for years. Your current comments section drives me crazy. I’m so glad more people have found you, but I can’t even click through anymore. I don’t mind engaging in thoughtful debate, but I can’t take the misogynistic, unintelligible, unfunny fuck-wits. I don’t know how they found us. I wish they would leave.
I’m open to any and all ideas on improving the level of discourse in my comments section. Sure, at any time, I could interfere and start pruning the weeds, but I’d rather you all find a way to self-correct. For instance, and I can’t stress this enough, stop engaging with the fuck-wits. We all know who they are. Ignore them.

Standard
Advice

On three responses

i told a guy that i’ve always wanted to get a tattoo. he said, “why put a bumper sticker on a ferrari.” do i have a stick up my ass or is that kinda fucked up.

 

Response #1 (The High Road): “Comparing me to a car is a particularly disrespectful form of objectification, and it’s insulting to imply that a tattoo would somehow be degrading.”

Response #2 (The Middle Road): “You don’t get to have an opinion on what I should do with my body.”

Response #3 (The Low Road): “You put racing stripes on a Ferrari, motherfucker.”

Standard
Best-Of Advice, Thoughts

On walking the low road

“To engage with them at all is to walk the low road”. Coke I have been with you since 2010 when I was fresh out of high school. This brings a tear to my eye. We don’t move forward or have our own ideas challenged without engagement. You haven’t lost a reader, I will never allow myself to be in an echo chamber like you are creating for yourself. I started disliking what you have to say for a couple years now, but recognize the value in hearing what someone I disagree with has to say.

 

You’ve missed my point entirely. I detest an echo chamber. I need to be challenged by people with opposing viewpoints. I long for the dialectic, and I am desperate for worthy adversaries.

You don’t need to tell me that we don’t move forward without engagement. I’m with you 100% on that point. The problem is that the Trump-loving religious/alt-right has degraded into an infantile, reactionary horde of the cruel, the ignorant, and the stupid. When I say to engage with them is to walk the low road, I mean it.

Trump and all his little Trumpkins simply aren’t capable of joining the rest of us on the high road, and by the rest of us, I don’t just mean liberals or Democrats or those who think like me. I mean anyone with the capacity for rational discourse. I mean people who can rub a few words together and form an original thought. I mean folks who aren’t actual fucking neo-Nazis.

There was a time in this country when the political right was represented by some genuinely brilliant bastards. They were privileged pricks with their heads up their asses, but they were articulate and well-schooled, they were worldly, and they could defend their political views with thoughtful debate using legitimate lines of reasoning.

Take William F Buckley Jr. for instance. That dude was one of the most gaping assholes of the 20th century, but he was smart as a fucking whip. His positions were loathsome, but he knew what he was talking about, and his arguments were exquisite. Say what you will about Buckley’s opinions, but the man didn’t just walk the high road; he fucking paved it. Is there anyone in Trump’s camp articulating the conservative world view at the level of someone like William F. Buckley Jr.? Fuck no. Even Buckley himself thought Trump was a monster.

Take Henry Kissinger as another example. He’s one of the most evil motherfuckers to have ever walked the earth, worse even than Dick Cheney, but he was dangerously intelligent and he knew his shit. He was the very definition of a worthy adversary on issues of conservative diplomacy, and when it came to public discourse, he always walked the high road. Is there anyone amongst Trump’s nominees who has half the brains of Henry Kissinger? Fuck no. They’re all Kissinger-sized scoundrels, to be sure, but with the added indignity of being a bunch of lackeys, lickspittle, and know-nothing corporate goons.

Over the years, there have been a number of right-wing thinkers with whom I have vehemently disagreed, but I still followed their work, because I knew they were making the very best case for the other side — magnificent assholes like Thomas Sowell, George Will, Bill Kristol, Charles Krauthammer, David Frum, and occasionally even David Brooks — but their voices have been drowned out by idiots of such magnitude that I can barely stand to keep listening.

The death of the eloquent conservative voice began during the era of Reagan and finally reached what I thought might be rock bottom during the era of George W. Bush, but things have gotten cartoonishly worse since the rise of Donald Trump. It’s gotten so embarrassingly bad that even Glenn Beck has taken a step back to wipe the shit off his shoes. I’m sorry, but when the likes of Tomi Lahren and Alex Jones are considered legitimate news sources worthy of citation, you can’t deny that there’s nothing left but low road, and you can fuck right off if you think I’m going to walk it.

I refuse to engage the opposition at so low a level, and I refuse to normalize Trump’s administration by dignifying its mouthpieces with any kind of legitimacy. They are simply not worthy of my validation. They are not worthy of yours. If you can’t see that, maybe wipe that tear from your eye and start paying attention.

Standard
Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Serious question: How do we get Trump impeached?
Win back the House in 2018.

Trying to empathize with Trump voters has fucked me up, Coke! What the fuck!
Stop it. You’re trying to take a high road that doesn’t exist. To engage with them at all is to walk the low road, so either accept your surroundings or go find something else to do with your time.

Aren’t you exactly the kind of highly educated professional, white, liberal to which the Democratic party has catered for decades and which has resulted in their political defeat all over the country?
The word you’re looking for is elite, and yes, I’m elite as fuck. The election didn’t change that. Nothing can. Win or lose, I’ll always be elite, and deep down, you’ll always feel inferior. It’s not my fault that you feel inferior, but you do, and that’s why you troll the internet loathing people like me, because you loathe yourself so much more.

Please tell me I won’t get caught in the middle of a war if I go to teach English in South Korea?
Don’t worry. If war comes, it will likely be a nuclear first strike from the North, so you won’t see it coming and you won’t feel a thing.

You talk a lot about cheating in relationships. What do you think of cheating in the academic realm? Specifically, cheating on exams. A lot of people around me do it in college, and they all get away with it.
There’s a difference between cheating and breaking the rules. Cheating involves a breach of your integrity, but if you had no say in the setting of the rules, if they’re arbitrary or serve other interests at the expense of your own, or if you never agreed to follow the rules in the first place, then breaking them isn’t necessarily a breach of your integrity. Academic honor codes can be like that. They exist for the benefit of the institution, not you. That’s why I’m neutral when it comes to breaking the rules in an academic setting. I neither condone it nor condemn it. Feel free to fuck the system, but recognize that the system fucks back, and if you get caught, then you absolutely deserve to be punished, and you don’t get to cry about it.

I can only come (both by myself and with my boyfriend of 3 years) by thinking of getting fucked by my professor. Insight or advice?
Do you have romantic feelings or sexual thoughts for your professor outside of moments when you’re trying to orgasm? If presented with an opportunity, would you actually fuck him? In other words, is this phenomenon part of a larger crush, or is it more of a sexual fixation? Be honest with your answers. If you have feelings for your professor, admit it and then deal with that shit. If it’s just a fixation, try making it more and more abstract until you get up the courage to role play with your boyfriend.

Is it better to break up and perhaps never find love again or to stay in a relationship you don’t enjoy anymore?
This is a false dichotomy created by the weakest part of you, so I won’t dignify it with an answer except to say that you won’t make the right decision as long as you’re motivated by fear and regret.

I’m dating a guy who has a fondness for inspirational quotes. Not even ones that strike me as particularly insightful; really trite bullshit. Why does this bother me so much?
Because it’s evidence that he’s an idiot.

Have just spoken to my choice artist and, next week I’m booking in to have “Stay Wild” tattooed across my knuckles. Thank you for everything.
Fuck yeah. You gotta send me a pic.

Standard