On friends who date fascists

My friend’s increasingly long term boyfriend works for DHS. Mainly citizenship interviews, so minor law enforcement. But his American exceptionalism rooted, ICE tolerating, patriotic beliefs always seem to be brought up as some point when I see them. We argue, my friend feels uncomfortable and hurt, rinse and repeat.

Do I distance myself from a close friend/major support system? It feels like we have less and less in common and I don’t understand how she can let such bigoted views slide.

She picked him. That choice has consequences, one of which may be a pause in your friendship until he’s either gone or he learns to shut the fuck up in your presence.

You say you don’t understand how she can let such bigoted views slide, but what you’re really misunderstanding is that those are her views too. Every day she stays in a relationship with a reactionary DHS officer, her actions are further proof of that.

I know it sucks, but act accordingly.


31 thoughts on “On friends who date fascists

  1. Dvon says:

    Can you not wrap your brain around the fact that people can disagree on politics and still value many other qualities about each other? Your assertion that the reader’s friend shares her boyfriend’s views because she stays with him is your own fantasy. Because you’re a one-track minded “woke” robot at this point.

    If Trump wins (which he won’t, but if), it will be because of idiots like you repelling the middle.

    • Beverly says:

      He loves the very good country he’s from (and possibly never lived outside of), so I can see her not just also sharing those beliefs, but liking him for them. I mean, unless you’re a black person whose family was part of the Syphilis Studies, or some other terrible thing, you really would find it hard not to love America, and to cash a paycheck by interviewing those who want to get everything the US has to offer.

    • Cuauhtli Quesadilla says:

      Can you not wrap your brain around the fact that this is not about politics, it’s about human rights and that is what makes this a moral and ethical conundrum?

  2. Koolaid says:

    Having opinions on immigration is not fascism. Working for the DHS is not fascism. Punishing rioting and looting is not fascism. This take is fucking absurd. You need to back away from the Portland Kool-aid. You’re completely out of touch and sound insane.

    • Dvon says:

      Anything that doesn’t align with Coke’s views is “fascist”. And since it’s “fascist” that excuses any awful behavior carried out against those who hold said views. Just a tragically sad and dangerous mentality from someone I’ve rated for 10+ years.

      • Koolaid says:

        I’ve been reading coke for 10 years, too. I am also so disappointed in her.

        My impression of her has always been that she was independently minded and would push back against moral Puritanism, regardless of whether it was traditional (i.e. Christianity) or radical (i.e. the current woke moral panic). It’s a shock to discover her mired in the same intellectually bankrupt state as the rest of our society. What a fucking downer.

        • Accurate says:

          Accurate. Predictably Coke began this spiral in 2014 with the Michael Brown shooting and it escalated tenfold in 2016 when Hilary lost the election. Now she’s a classic case of extreme “woke”. I find it insane how predictable she’s become given how original she once was…

          The “woke” are rotting the country like termites. In certain ways it’s worse than some stupid hick driving around with a confederate flag waving from his Dodge Ram truck. At least there’s way less of those idiots online, and anybody with a heart realizes racism is for scum. Unfortunately having a heart doesn’t mean you have a brain. Now the mainstream media just panders to the “woke” in order to keep the money rolling in. There’s no realness or loyalty there. It’s all pathetic from afar.

          Thankfully Coke still has some redeeming content as long as it doesn’t involve politics.

          • Graham says:

            What we’re talking about isn’t mere politics though. These aren’t simply “opinions on immigration”, we’re talking about children in cages. We’re not talking about rioting/looting, we’re talking about protesting an abusive and murderous police force; extreme oppression allows for extreme means of protest. Coke hasn’t lost her individualist mode of thinking, she has individually come to the conclusion that there isn’t room for moral ambiguity or devils advocacy when its basic freedom on the line here. The state-sanctioned killing of innocent civilians and the unlawful ushering in of a president who embodies chaotic evil and who didn’t have the majority vote are two events which justifiably would narrow one’s perception to black-or-white mode of thinking, because the grey zone inevitably favours those in power, those who are willing to abuse their power and hurt common people like you and me, especially the most vulnerable (which if you don’t care about, simply makes you a shitty person). Coketalk isn’t fake woke, she’s as awakened to the state of America as she always has been, its just gotten (appropriately) more serious as the situation has (tragically) gotten more dire. You yourselves need to wake up and realize that unless you’re an unabashedly wealthy and misogynist racist, you’re being class traitors and actively working against the better interest of yourselves and your loved ones.

          • Beverly says:

            The kids were in cages under Obama, and under Trump they have been taken out.

            Sad, but true.

            Probably under Bush and Clinton, too.

      • fuck these idiots says:

        Admit it. You don’t like the word because it is referential to something that has been widely castigated as unacceptable and detrimental to the fabric of society, and while you still very much espouse the underlying belief system, you’d much rather see it reinvented under a new nomenclature.

        Either way, you are devastated this place is not your personal echo chamber, and takes a reactionary stance to what is going on in the world at the moment. Just get a fucking grip.

        P.S. Take your attempt at rebranding the safeguarding of fundamental human rights as moral Puritanism, and shove it so far up your ass that you can tickle your uvula.

        • Get real says:

          Rofl, it’s not fascism though. That’s the embarrassing thing about Coke’s POV. My brown skinned wife has zero problems navigating this landscape, earning opportunities, and making good money. Any person of any background can position themselves to succeed in America. You would never ever be able to say the same about an actual fascist country.

          Your viewpoint isn’t logical or based on real statistics. It’s emotional and heavily influenced by liberal bullshit. Sorry life isn’t an unbiased utopia where everything is fair and comes easy. Get a fucking grip.

          • Barefootsy says:

            Not fascism? Rre-read the testimonies from the Nuremberg Trials and come back and say that.

            Also. The fact that you think it’s okay to tokenize your wife for an argument on the internet … I hope she never sees this. Scratch that – I hope she does so she gets to see how you utilize and reduce her to her race in order to further this line of contention. She deserves to know who she married.

          • Get real says:

            Lmao holy dramatic. On second thought if she was a conduit for me to win arguments online that’d be pretty sweet. Hot take! I’ll chill on the unconditional love and support stuff now, really dial in my true intentions.

    • wwaxwork says:

      No but shooting at the heads of people protesting is. Abducting them away in unmarked vans by federal employees that don’t identify themselves is. They are not punishing rioting & looting they are silence protests, the rioting & looting is happening in the boardrooms as we speak.

  3. K says:

    Good grief. I know you’re not supposed to read the comments but the assholes in these parts are highly upsetting. First the weird gender-essentialism and now these people acting like human lives are not at stake and it’s “just politics.” Idk, I expected better from other coketalk readers. I can see why Coke needed a break. Thanks Graham for adding some intelligence to the conversation.

    • Barefootsy says:

      It’s not usually this bad at all, but this week has brought some real … characters. Shame – this was one of the places where I made the exception to the rule “never read the comments section.”

  4. Michaela says:

    Dang, thank you Graham for one voice of reason. This shit is not partisan. James Baldwin said it decades ago – “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” Maybe its because Coke hasn’t written in so long, but has the readership always been this disappointing.

    • Cuttlefish says:

      It is definitely worse than it was. But to be honest I’m not entirely convinced that the right-wing chorus in the comments isn’t just one bored right-wing troll who gets off on sock-puppeting the same shit back and forth yo himself in his own sad little homemade echo chamber.

  5. Rimi says:

    I’ve been surprised at the vitriol I’ve been reading in the comments. The thing is, Coquette has always been on the side of basic human decency. You could read that a mile off, I think her acerbic wit has made the edgelords think she’s One Of Them. I know I’m being reductive and I know, as a brown woman “it’s not that black and white”, but that way of thinking is to carve out some sanity and dignity in the face of “otherwise good people” arguing about your humanity. I can’t and won’t do that any more, I will not find peace there and I’m through thinking racists are “just innefectual imbeciles” like some dickhead suggested in a comment above – the aptly named koolaid I think. Cartoon racists aren’t the only kind. The other kind are people like you who try and argue away and shame away my demands for dignity and humanity. Fuck you.

  6. shady says:

    So many touchy assholes in the comments this week. Thanks for posting anyway, CQ. Don’t let the menfolk grind ya down.

  7. Rocket Grunt says:

    The current political power fits the actual definition of fascism and we’ve been watching federal agents physically attack civilians with brutal force for the last few months, yet people are spamming up the comments here about finding a middle ground between this and basic human rights. People like this and the poster’s friend are enablers who allow and defend other people’s bigotry.

  8. Sarah says:

    To the other commenters: stop worshipping Coke like she’s your prophet. If you agree with her ideas, say so. But stop defending her identity like some kind of brainwashed drone.

    And to the person who submitted the question: I have this exact same problem. One of my close friends is marrying a Trump supporter and all around narcissist. We have always thought of my friend as the compassionate and considerate person in the group. I think what Coke says is true to an extent – if they choose that person, somewhere deep down, they kind of agree with those beliefs.

    Another theory I have for my friend in particular, is that she is really insecure and the value of being attached to a confident, decisive individual outweighs the fact that he’s a Trump supporter. Emotional voids are powerful.

    Maybe your friend sees a redeeming quality in her boyfriend that has more value to her than anything else. It’s a lack of integrity. Know that about her.

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