Sorry your comments section is overrun with fash trash. Yikes.
Yeah, it hurts my heart. I feel like it’s partly my fault for being gone so long. These dudes forget, I’m a libertine, not a libertarian. I’ve always been the type to hurl a Molotov cocktail through the Overton Window.
I’m really sick of people telling me I’ll meet the right person when the time is right. Is that a bag of BS?
Of course it’s bullshit. There’s no such thing as “the” right person, and the time is only right if you put in the work to make it that way.
I am obsessed with my bf’s exes. I am aware that I am projecting my own insecurities, but I don’t manage to stop. What do I do.
You’re obsessed with your boyfriend’s exes because you know you’re going to be one. You need to accept that. It really will be okay. Besides, you’re not quite yet emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship. This is all just practice. It’s fine. Don’t hold on so tightly. Let go when it’s time, and pay close attention to how everyone behaves. This is how you learn.
Why are we unable to classify belief in god as insanity?
Because the APA isn’t as powerful as the Church.
A man who was really flirty and seemed interested just rejected me. Really arrogant of me, I know, but I’m not used to being rejected, how do I get over this inexplicably shitty feeling?
Quit making it about you.
We’ve moved in together. He is my forever love. I know this is our next step. Yet I’m heartbroken of moving out of my condo and been struggling with my emotions. This has him and others think I’m doubting moving in together.
What you’re experiencing is normal, and it is perfectly okay. Take all the time you need to grieve the loss of your condo life. While you’re at it, grieve the loss of your entire pre-pandemic existence. Remind yourself, your boyfriend, and the others (not that it’s any of their fucking business) that your grief isn’t about him. It’s about you adjusting to it all, and you will eventually be fine.
Do you think 9/11 was an inside job?
Still no. Why do you keep asking this year after year?
If you were 23 right now which city would you move to?
Am I 23 and broke with no degree, or am I 23 fresh out of college with parental support? Those are two very different cities. Either way, I would move to a city that calls me, one that vibrates at the frequency of my soul.
What do you think is bad advice that gets repeated?
“Money can’t buy happiness.” (Yes it fucking can.) “Everything happens for a reason.” (No it fucking doesn’t.) “You can create your own luck.” (That’s not even a thing.) “Just be yourself.” (Not if you’re an asshole.) And finally, my least favorite thought-terminating cliché that passes for advice these days: “It is what it is.” (No, you have not suddenly achieved a Zen-like state of acceptance. You’re just lazy and dumb and can’t think of anything appropriate to say.)
48 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice”
Why do you need to believe that everyone that thinks your ideas are stupid is a dude?
So you’re saying it’s important not to misgender people?
No. I am asking you why you think everyone criticizing you is a man. Defend your assumption. Do not change the topic in an attempt to create a distraction.
I read “dudes” as gender neutral, so there’s always that possibility.
In any case, given how carefully CQ chooses her words, we can reasonably assume “dudes” was a conscious choice; she might even have anticipated this kind of exchange.
(Also, it’s pretty gross to try to order someone around in her own comments section. She doesn’t owe you a debate, dude.)
I call women dudes sometimes.
I actually asked a girl if I could call her dude because I wanted her to know I wasn’t perving on her. She said she actually preferred it. We had a good chat.
Oh no…is the shoe fitting?
She didn’t change the topic, she was reading you to filth, while ignoring your own attempt at derailing the conversation.
And perhaps her need to do so instead of answering the question demonstrates the incoherence of her beliefs.
“People won’t talk to me because they’re stupid pants”
That’s you; that’s what you sound like.
“I’m a moron. The only meaning in my life is sucking coke talks dick.”
That’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Someone hasn’t been here too long, my duuuuuuuuuuude.
ha, found the butt-hurt dude
Eh, I don’t believe money can buy happiness, but it can purchase peace of mind
Idk, I’d definitely be happier if I could afford steady therapy, a house with a garden, and a vacation outside my city every now and then.
… that’s literally peace of mind. It’s okay, take your time.
And that’s literally not what I’m saying but I can tell from your condescension you’re only interested in semantics.
Nah, sounds like you made a misjudgment call. Here, I googled some shit for you: Peace of mind is a mental state of calmness or tranquility, a freedom from worry and anxiety. I can tell from your writing style that you are small, sheltered, and most likely white but that’s just splitting hairs at this point. As someone who is lucky enough to have all of those things, restructure your thesis and try again.
Nothing egomaniacal and projecting about a person who posts as Jesus to tell people they are small and don’t know what happiness is. Nope, no displacement, and projection of insecurities here. You can ask his dad.
I have a garden and it’s my favorite place on earth, no joke, even though there is nothing special about it at all. It cost me over $2,000 in supplies to maintain this year. it’s tiny. I have a table in it with 4 chairs. I bought the cheapest cushions for those chairs at home depot. It cost me $225, for the cushions for 4 chairs. peace of mind is expen$ive, brah. I wouldn’t have been able to afford anything for my garden if 4+ months of quarantine didn’t keep me from going out and spending money, and if my family members hadn’t sent me birthday money even though I’m a middle-aged loser. Otherwise I’d just be sitting in the dirt in a dead lot.
Veryon, nothing dumber than someone can’t recognize troll account or take constructive criticism like a functional adult. Newsflash, there is no god, only Zuul. Sounds like you’re all bothered by the moniker so my work here is done. Don’t worry about your goat, I’ll feed them plenty of tin cans.
Well, you’re wrong. As a person who has come into some money I can tell you it hasn’t bought just my happiness, but the happiness of others. Money is power. It’s given me the power to silence my anxiety about a hostile work environment. You can argue that my feeling comfort in knowing I can tell any of the assholes I’ve worked with to go fuck themselves is “peace of mind” I will counter that actually doing it made me happy.
I use my money to take care of people I love and strangers I don’t even know. My favorite hobby is going on gofundme and contributing to people who have dental issues because I know I’m alleviating anxiety and pain directly. It’s something I can relate to directly. And that makes all of us happier, if not directly “happy.” Money buys happiness for people who don’t have it.
It can’t be hard to imagine not having your basic needs met and then suddenly being able to fix those issues with a shopping bag.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with philanthropy, but don’t let it corrupt you. Are you doing it for the pat on the back, or because it’s the right thing to do? Just pointing that out. Congrats on the fuck you money tho.
I can and do tell people to get fucked on the regular, it’s my favorite thing to do. Are you sure you bought happiness, or did you purchase instant gratification?
Almost all of my donations are anonymous. For a while it was fifty fifty, but then I thought I could be more sure of myself if I was anonymous. But, having done it a lot now, I can tell you there is nothing wrong with doing it purely for the pat on the back; absolutely nothing. That Protestant, Catholic, Quaker, “it’s only generous if it hurts” shit is made out of the same fucked up thinking as people who criticize social justice warriors. There’s nothing wrong with recognition of good deeds. If it happened more often and people weren’t weirdly ashamed of it, maybe it would be a more common behavior. Lol at corruption through philanthropy! “Help help, I’m so corrupt that I am now penniless!”
Did I buy happiness or instant gratification? Holy fucking shit, do you want me to put a stopwatch on and see exactly how long I’m gratified, or the people I’ve cared for are relieved? “It’s only ‘real happpiness ™ if it lasts longer than an orgasm!?” News Flash, even if you buy an orgasm that’s happiness.
I already told you one of the piles goes to helping people with dental issues. Let me know how happy you are after you can afford a root canal.
I’m pretty well centered right now and if I didn’t have this money I would be full of anxiety and bile. I told you it bought my happiness and comfort for a lot of people.
You have issues that are not mine. Didn’t the church used to let people buy their way into heaven? Just pointing that out.
You sound rich, I hope someone eats you, and not in the sexual way
I am most definitely better off than a lot of people. But you really need to grasp scale here. Me tossing a few k per month at gofundme’s is not the fucking same as Mnuchin, Clinton, Obama…etc. and they’re not even top tier!
I think my mindset is exactly what the world needs. I’m giving what I’m not using. I drive a 2015, purchased used, car…not even luxury. I live in non-gated suburbia next to strip malls in a relatively small town. I don’t own a designer anything. I don’t own a shred of jewelry. My tv is 55”. My AC is wall mount. The biggest luxury item I bought this year was a snowblower.
I tip 15-30%…always, regardless of service quality.
I’m guilty of no crimes. I deceive nobody. I pay all my taxes. I am at peace with my moral center and direction. I always point towards good.
You think people should eat me?
I think you should eat me.
@jesus I’ll tell you the same thing I said to you when I was fourteen…”get fucked”
It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself, not me. It’s okay, I’m a sounding board for your own insecurities but I’m not the person that you need to convince. Do the work.
Thank you so much for sharing your story; I really enjoyed it. I mostly don’t post but I often check the comments.
Probably there are more of us lurking than ever because we don’t want to engage with the alt-right. I’m doing it just to let you know there are people listening. 🙂
We’ve always been pretty marginal and the $600/week boost to unemployment was a godsend for us even though only one of us qualified. We’ve tipped 30% on food deliveries; when picking up at stores that don’t allow workers to be tipped I’ve gotten their Venmos and sent $5. I also carry $5s to give to panhandlers now.
Now that the boost is over we have to be more careful, though we’re still carrying $5s for panhandlers.
I used to be picky about that–I only gave out $2 meal vouchers to a local soup kitchen (it’s a great resource and also provides PO boxes so homeless people have an address for receiving mail and applying for work and so on).
I found that the soup kitchen was really hit or miss for people, so I started offering an alternative–a $2 gift card to the nicest grocery store in town. The money doesn’t go as far but it has a nice seating area and they are kind to homeless people there. Sometimes you want a pleasant indoor place to sit.
Once the pandemic was in swing I began to be horrified. The homeless encampments became huge. They were almost the only people outside. They are desperate–no more buying a movie ticket to enjoy air conditioning for a couple of hours. No more lingering in the mall food court. No more inexpensive hot meals from the grocery store.
That’s when we started carrying $5s. It’s not enough but it means something to people. It says “I see you, I care whether you live or die. You are a person and you matter.”
For that matter, big tips say that to the food delivery people too; to everyone who’s risking their lives in order to stay housed and fed right now.
Also, I wholeheartedly reject the premise of those who have responded to you so far: sure it feels good, if you are wired right.
We should all strive to have the empathy that allows us to be fulfilled by generosity, so that we can continue to practice that virtue in a non-self-depleting way.
But the point isn’t us and how it makes us feel. As someone once wisely said to me, “That is the ego, and it will always intrude.”
How we feel is an aftereffect and a possibly-essential contributor for giving to be sustainable–but why center us? It’s how it makes the *other person* feel. By all means, anyone who challenges you on this can go ask some restaurant workers or DoorDash drivers or unhoused people or people in horrible dental pain whether receiving this money gave them gratification. Ask them if they’d prefer you wait for that spiritually perfect moment when you don’t feel good for having done it.
I draw a distinction between self-soothing and self-care. Self-soothing is stuff you do that is short-term helpful and long-term detrimental–eating ice cream or Doritos when you are sad, vegging out on a sitcom. Stuff that if you do routinely will be a form of self-harm but sometimes is the only therapeutic care you can provide yourself.
Self-care is leveling up. It takes more effort but it pays off later: exercising, meditating, going to a garden, taking a fancy bath with tea and a candle, that kind of thing, cooking yourself a delicious and not decadent dinner. Stuff that you feel good about having done the next day, that you don’t need to say, “Well that should really be a one-time thing.” or “I need to get out of my rut on this.” Healthy habits.
Calling giving “instant gratification” suggests that there’s a easy potential for dysfunction there–that it’s self-soothing and you should keep a careful eye on it. Whereas it’s pretty obvious that what you are doing is practicing self-care and other care.
One definition of joy is “connection with other people”. Not only is that something which money is often needed to facilitate, but paying for the dental care of other people and generosity generally are things which connect us.
Just reading about you doing this gave me joy. I have no doubt that it also gave joy to you.
Oh, also: I don’t want to risk posting a link here, but if you google “money buys happiness up to $75,000” there’s a Princeton study from 2010 that concluded exactly that–I believe for a family of 4.
And to join you on “It can’t be hard to imagine not having your basic needs met and then suddenly being able to fix those issues with a shopping bag.”, here is what having money means to me:
~Not worrying how I’m going to make rent
~Being able to take time off to rest and have new experiences
~Being able to afford my medication
~Having access to a doctor and a hospital without fearing bankruptcy
~Being able to buy clothes that are comfortable and flatter me.
~Being able to replace my possessions when they break.
~Being able to buy needed household items without carefully planning and prioritizing and postponing.
~It’s education and opportunities and experiences and social connection for my kid.
~As HUEVOSSTOMPER upthread put it so eloquently, money buys a pleasant place to be able to sit and enjoy being outside.
~Money buys TIME. It buys me 25 minutes in a Lyft instead of 90 on the bus. It buys me a used lot of clothes for my child on eBay instead of a 3 hour trip to the charity during the slot I booked in advance and where I will haul home a grocery bag of clothes to sort through. It would be being able to go to the art museum at our convenience instead of one crowded Friday between 5-8pm when it interferes with both dinner and bedtime.
~For my mother-in-law, who is on public assistance and is only covered for one new hearing aid every 5 years, it buys the ability to be connected to other people.
~As you noted with the dental donations, money buys freedom from pain. It buys added years to your life, too, and increased physical function.
Anyone who thinks being able to have peace of mind isn’t happiness has been able to take peace of mind totally for granted.
Because when it happens for me I’m ecstatic. And I have so many outlets for generosity and creativity when I’m not constantly churning just to hold onto what little I have.
Thank you for adding! That was beautifully detailed and thorough.
I am glad I’m not alone in this horrifying time.
I spent a lot of time in my youth trying to figure out what change I wanted to see in the world. The two biggest things were less pain, and more generosity. Along the way I figured out sincerity, and I am happy to see that in you.
Oh! One other thing. Because I’ve been giving for a while, I want to draw your attention to something that wasn’t immediately apparent. You mentioned “connecting with people.” Sometimes it’s best to be completely anonymous. It’s not a real gift to someone in trouble if they are then burdened with answering questions, or tabling something that causes feelings of shame.
There was a person in an abusive relationship. Their ex was getting out of jail. They needed escape money and didn’t want to explain the exact circumstances by which their presented picture came to be. Good time for captain anonymous! 🙂
There’s two axis. Need, and want. Then there’s both sides of that window. You, and them. It’s really important not to push something through that window that will become a burden. Because that’s not a gift.
Let me get back to need/want. There are things you need but don’t want, like that ugly sweater your grandma gives you at Christmas. Man, it keeps you warm, but you’d donate it to good will if you didn’t have to wear it next year! And there’s things you want, but don’t need, like a jet ski. You can rent those.
But, back to burdens. Another way you can burden someone is by giving them something that requires a lot of upkeep or assembly. You can give them a gift of obligation, which as I mentioned, is not a gift. So context is everything. I have horrendously fucked up context a couple times now and what should have been an over the shoulder toss left people thinking I was stalking them. Live and learn. I think I’m better than I’ve ever been right now because I’ve had those experiences.
Your context is not someone else’s context.
Don’t give people burdens.
Okay, that was way more than just one thing, but I was happy to share with anyone who has the stamina to read it.
I would give anything to be in your position, Happydollar. I have close friends who are going through sudden tragedies and are left supporting their families and mortgages and car payments on essential worker minimum-wage jobs. It’s so awful to not be able to help. I’m very glad that not only are you in a position to do that, but you
do it of your own volition. By contrast, my cousin won a huge work settlement and instead of helping her impoverished family, she went insane and bought a truck, a car and a jetski. And a load of other nonsense that she ended up having to sell bc she went broke.
Anyway. Regardless of what anyone else on here says, you choose to use your proverbial powers for good and the world doesn’t have enough of that. I hope I can be in a similar position someday.
I always worry I’m on the precipice. Those who say, “you’re rich!” might not understand the scale required to sustain this. Seriously, I’m a small fry who has prioritized others, hopefully not prematurely, in my financial trajectory. It’s especially dangerous when inflation is bound to hit our already precarious economy.
I hope you get to give as much as you want too! 🙂
Thanks for adding!
HappyDollar and Tangerine, thanks for sharing! Your stories gave me so many happy feels <3
I’m adjacent to many of these thoughts but for framing.
“Everything for a reason.” – yes, but the reason is either imperceptible or unavoidable, either of which render the statement useless without more context.
“Create your own luck.” – you really mean create your own opportunity, but I’ll let you slide without objection because people’s use of language is painfully imprecise. If you actually mean “stack the deck” then gtfo, I don’t associate with right wing assholes.
“It is what it is.” – Jesus Christ, you’re an energy vampire
Excuse you, I am a fairy, not a vampire. If my name’s gonna be in your mouth, at least brush your teeth first.
Enjoy your cavities then. At least you can hit up happydollar for the dental fees.
Jessica, this isn’t like you
You have the wrong number
I made my point
veryon stop doing that i miss jessica 🙁
Didn’t realize how badly I’ve missed you.
“Fash trash” is so fetch.
In re: “it is what it is” – Trump used that phrase to describe the COVID death toll. So damn, Coke, you’re right on the money.
I know! I couldn’t believe I read this and then heard that. So precient!