Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

My ex is dating a model who is so thin, she is absolutely anorexic. It’s so apparent, it made me gasp. I’m slim thick and he loved my body to the point of idealizing it at times. What?
The easy answer to your question is that your ex idealizes whatever body type he’s currently fucking. The difficult answer to your question is that you should stop comparing your body to other women, especially women your ex is fucking, and even more especially models.

I got ghosted. I invited him to come over, he said sure. The night approached. He never texted. I didn’t either. It’s always what happens. I spot the ghosting coming so I don’t say anything and therefore only get half ghosted. Am I being smart?
You got what you wanted. That’s what you need to start admitting to yourself. This pattern serves a purpose for you. You get a tiny jolt of excitement from the initial connection, and you get just as much pleasure when the plans fall through. Your needs are getting met. If they weren’t, you’d behave differently. The question now is to discover why you’re satisfied with so little.

I think I’m working for an actual (corporate) psychopath. How do I navigate this situation if I want to stay with this company and advance my career?
Well, you’ve spotted the predator. That’s important. At the very least, it means you aren’t the weakest gazelle. Stay alert and don’t allow yourself to become prey. Be useful and unobtrusive. Do your job well, but do not seek praise. Avoid interaction to whatever degree possible. I don’t know what you do or how your company is structured, but you would be wise to get clear of this psychopath’s range of authority as soon as possible.

If I’m so supposedly liberal and accepting, why do I hate the idea of Burning Man? I’m not sure if “capitalism” is the right answer. What if the answer is “don’t touch me”?
You can be liberal and accepting and still have personal preferences. The point is to live and let live. The whole “let live” part of that is being cool with other people doing their thing even if you hate the idea. As for why you hate the idea of Burning Man, the reason is envy. You see those people as a bunch of insufferable assholes, but you also see that they have something special, and you want to have something special too. You just haven’t found your special thing yet. Once you do, you won’t hate the idea of Burning Man anymore. You’ll just think it’s silly.

Why have I been losing feelings for men after I sleep with them?
Those feelings you’ve been losing weren’t really for the men. They were for you. In other words, right now you’re only in it for the chase. For whatever reason, you’re not emotionally available beyond the initial phase of the courtship ritual. It’s up to you to figure out why.

Do you still like coke? I’d love it if we were cycle twins on being over coke. It’s how I’d want my imaginary friendship with you to progress.
I can’t remember the last time I blew a rail. It’s a social drug, after all, and the people who did cocaine in LA a decade ago were a lot more interesting than the people who do cocaine in my current city today. (I had to check myself with this answer. Was my LA crew really more interesting, or was I just a lot younger and less discerning? Honest assessment: both.)

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

After three years of working a thankless admin position, I was unfairly reprimanded at work. I’ve put up with so much fucking shit, but now I’m just demotivated. I’ve always wanted to quit, but they won’t even let me do that. How do I keep going?
Demand respect. Stop putting up with so much fucking shit. Start looking for other work. Convince your co-workers to unionize. Frame your boss for murder. Burn down the building. Lead an armed insurrection against your capitalist overlords. Go do something with your life.

He wants to be more than friends. I told him politely I wasn’t interested in more and he understood and accepted… But then a couple of days later he asked me if our 20-year age difference was a factor (I’m 40. He’s 60). It is, in part, but I can’t say that, can I?
Of course you can say that.

Does life require purpose and meaning to be fulfilling?
Fulfillment doesn’t really exist as an idea without some concept of purpose or meaning.

Why do I sleep with every single one of my friends?
Because you’re shit at maintaining boundaries.

Being around republicans is bad for your soul and I don’t recommend it.
Thanks for the tip.

Does life get better or worse as you age?
No.

I don’t know what an evergreen tweet is. My friends talk about it and I just nod. I’m exhausted. What’s happening to me?
Any type of media referred to as “evergreen” means that it continues to remain relevant and/or doesn’t lose meaning despite the passing of time. Also, you should probably start taking naps. Naps are awesome.

First proper, long-term relationship. I’ve started recognizing some toxic behaviours in myself (stemming from jealousy and insecurity, most often). I don’t want to be like that. Now what?
Go a level deeper than the jealousy and insecurity. Find out where those two emotions are rooted. Separate rational thinking from irrational thinking, and do the hard work it takes to start choosing healthier behaviors.

How can you tell the difference between inner peace and numbness?
Numbness is feeling nothing. Inner peace is being nothing.

What do you do when you get sad?
I eat like shit and forget to shower.

Sorry if this has been asked before, or if it comes off creepy. I’m genuinely just curious. Has anyone ever correctly guessed your identity before? And if so, have you told them they were right?
Yes. I had a colleague whose girlfriend straight up asked me if I was coketalk once while we were all out having dinner. Apparently, she had been reading my shit since her high-school tumblr days and knew enough about my life to call me out. I flatly denied it.

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On never forgetting

Heeey, happy Affirm Your Patriotism or Be Called a Terrorist Day! Seventeen years since we collectively agreed that any privacy means The Terrorists Win. Sure, the roots go down further, but what a relief we can now call anyone with a skin tone that doesn’t complement our prejudices a threat to national security, rather than the olden days when they had to form unions and political parties first. We’ve come so far; who would’ve thought back in Jr. Bushwacker’s early days we’d be staring down the barrel of fascism? There’s a glittery all-caps NEVER FORGET on every T-shirt and bumper sticker I see, but I can’t find anyone who remembers in the first place.

 

Co-signed.

I can’t wait until November 8th.

I can’t wait for 2020.

I can’t wait for all these old white men to die.

Fuck the police.

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Advice

On how to stop dissociating during sex

Every time I go to sleep with someone, or when it becomes evident that it’s a real possibility, something in my body always recoils and shuts down. It’s less shame and more abject terror. Even if I’m the one who initiated. Something in me can’t handle the reality of sex with another person. I always fake it through and give it my best shot, but my shit is numb and it doesn’t feel like anything for me. And there’s no connection; it’s like my head is at the bottom of a well somewhere. Then before I know it I’m some dirtbag’s sexual servant because he catches on to the fact that I’m never gonna get off while he’s in the room, and he stops caring. Therapy isn’t helping. If you have any advice for me, I would greatly appreciate it. Love you.

 

You’re describing two distinct problems. The first is that you dissociate during sex. The second is that you fuck dirtbags. These problems are interrelated, and you have to solve them both or you’ll stay stuck in this larger pattern of unhealthy intimate behavior.

Here’s the question: Do you feel safe enough with any of your current or potential sexual partners to openly discuss the terror, recoil, and shut-down you experience during sex? If the answer is no, then do yourself a favor and stop having sex until the answer is yes. If the answer is yes, then do the hard thing and have the discussion. Be vulnerable and ask for help from your safe partner.

To be clear, a safe partner is one who cares about you enough to help you work through this, one who is willing to set his needs aside and do what takes to slow things down, remain connected, and allow you to experiment through your sexual response cycle until you figure out how to stay present.

One place to start might be allowing your safe partner to be present while you masturbate. Literally see if it’s possible to get off while he’s in the room. Start out with him just laying next to you with no physical contact. If that works, move on to masturbation with some kind of physical contact. Keep testing your ability to stay present with ever increasing amounts of intimacy throughout each stage of your sexual response cycle until you figure it out.

Now, if you’ve read this far and you think that sexual experimentation with a safe partner sounds like a ridiculous impossibility, that’s fine. After all, you do have a problem fucking dirtbags, so I can imagine how that level of intimacy and vulnerability sounds like advanced math in a foreign language. I promise you, though, it’s not impossible. This is the part where you’ll need a damn good therapist to help you understand your process of sexual parter selection.

You say therapy isn’t helping, but I wonder, are you doing the hard work? Are you addressing any past history of trauma that might be contributing to your problematic partner selection and subsequent sexual dissociation? Would you feel comfortable talking with your therapist about how best to discuss your dissociation with a safe partner? Be brutally honest about how much effort you’re putting into the process, and if you really are doing your part, then be willing to go find a different therapist who is a better fit.

This is a complicated question with lots of ways it can go, so feel free to meet me in the comments section for a deeper discussion about how to move forward.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

How do I spin “the startup I’m working at has top-level executive and management problems that are causing it to implode” as I search for a new job in a different legal department?
Perhaps try “Opportunity for growth with my current employer has reached its potential, and I’m eager to devote my time and energy to a company with a clear vision and stable leadership.”

Is it true what they say, that creativity is like a muscle? If you work hard enough, anyone can develop it?
I suppose creativity is like a muscle, but don’t kid yourself. Some folks are just born with more than others, and no matter how hard you work, there are natural limits to what you’ll be able to develop. (Oh, and taking the right combination of drugs definitely helps, but for some reason our culture considers that cheating.)

If we’re supposed to be getting rid of Ego, is there any situation in which we should “have our pride”?
The egoless version of pride is dignity. Try having that instead.

ugh dating in the Bay Area is just as obnoxious as in LA, the ego is just a different flavor. But I met a good person who has his shit together and I like everything about him except one thing. One very. small. thing. Now what?
I’m much less concerned about your indictment of his penis size than I am about your lukewarm use of “good” and “like.” Is “great” and “love” a possibility with this guy? It just feels like you’re settling. Plus, the phrase “has his shit together” feels like a red flag. Not for him. For you. It’s code for the fact that you tend to date losers, which clues me into why you might be settling.

Any advice for watching your best friends destroy each other in a failing marriage that they both refuse to give up on? I’m keeping out of it (was stung earlier) but they’ve become impossible emotional sponges.
Yeah, you’re not keeping out of it. They won’t let you. You’re basically in an emotional threesome, and it’s time you learned how to set a proper fucking boundary. Tell them to go get a couples therapist. Find one for them if you have to, because you’re done being their third party. Don’t let either of them bring anymore mess into your house. Be firm. Be rude if necessary, but refuse to be a passenger on their sinking ship.

A close friend is about to get married. She hasn’t known him all that long, and is still in the honeymoon period of the relationship (she said so herself). They’ve never had a single fight. She can’t even name one annoying habit he has. She’s always been a very rational person, and now she seems to be under some bizarre love spell. I don’t trust him at all. I feel like this marriage is a mistake, but I know I can’t say anything to her without ruining our friendship. But I’m dreading the wedding and what will come after. How do I get through it?
It really depends on why you don’t trust him. How good are your instincts with shit like that? Is he dangerous? A little shady? A garden variety asshole? Or is it possible that your mistrust is a manifestation of jealousy over your fading friendship? Personally, I wouldn’t say shit unless you have hard evidence that he poses some kind of risk to her health or safety. Otherwise, this is her mistake to make. It happens all the time.

Superficial question: have you ever been at the Burning Man? You sound like the kind of person who has almost founded it. Just curious.
I can’t tell if this is an insult or a compliment. A good portion of my former LA crew were burners. I’ve helped build art cars and I’ve counseled countless costume choices, but I could never go myself because the week always landed during my busiest season. I suppose it’s a subculture I understand from a distance, which is kind of the way I prefer it.

Should I dry clean these jeans? They say I should, but they’re jeans.
Call your mother.

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Advice

On pretending to know things

I get the feeling that you’re really good at pretending to know things, but you don’t actually know anything.

 

Well, yeah. I’ve said from day one that I am completely full of shit. That’s not really the same as pretending to know things, but it’s close enough to what you meant. I’m also totally cool with the Socratic paradox, which is to say I agree with you that I don’t actually know anything.

So, now what? Are you done coming at me like I owe you some lengthy treatise on Camille Paglia’s brand of feminism? Are you done being butt hurt that I called you a child for suggesting that I support the worst politicians?

I don’t owe you anything. You seem to think you’re entitled to me, but you aren’t. You don’t know me. I’m just a figment of your imagination. Every single opinion you have about me is pure, uncut projection. Every single emotion you have about my work is a reflection of how you feel about yourself.

This ain’t about what I know, honey. It’s about what you know to be true when you look in the mirror.

(And of course, feel free to meet me in the comments section. I know you’ll have plenty more to say.)

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

We’ve been dating three years, his parents paid for us to go on a $10000 cruise, we’ve talked about marriage, kids, and our future. He won’t take care of his mental or physical health (something we talk about regularly), and when he offered to co-sign my student loans, this pit of fear being chained to this man suddenly emerged. This fissure’s occurred and now I find him annoying, whinny, and recoil from his touch instinctively. What do I do?
Talk to him. Tell him he’s annoying and whiny. Tell him you’re losing interest. Tell him he has to get his mental and physical shit together by Halloween or you’ll be gone before Thanksgiving. It’s ultimatum time. Or maybe not. Maybe you’re already done and it’s just time to fucking end it. Whatever you do, tell him how you feel. Use your words. USE. YOUR. WORDS.

What do you think about Camille Paglia? Specifically, what do you think of a) her argument that America’s current obsession with transgenderism is a sign of cultural collapse; and b) her critique of current trends in feminism as “fainting couch” feminism? Surely, she is not one of the right wing lunatics that you’re critiquing – is she?
Yes, she is. Camille Paglia is absolutely without a doubt a gigantic right wing asshole. Are you not paying attention? That’s her entire schtick. Maybe you’re distracted by the fact that she’s an academic, but don’t let the tenured professorship fool you. She may have the vocabulary of a critical theorist, but her critiques of transgenderism and contemporary feminism are more the stuff of Alex Jones than Simone de Beauvoir.

I am envious of my best friend. She has everything I want: a good career, several friends, a cute butt, confidence, intelligence. It has gotten so bad that I actually get so happy when something unfortunate happens to her. What am I supposed to do about this?
Keep the small portion of envy that drives you towards positive change. Jettison the rest, because it is poison. Easier said than done, I know, but few people get intelligence, even fewer get a cute butt, and you don’t need either to be happy. Most importantly, quit using your friend as a measuring stick. Go do your own thing.

I’ve had penetrative vaginal sex with a few people, and it’s always been painful and horrible as fuck. No amount of lube helps me. Do I need to stick it out and hope sex gets better, or are there other people out there like me who want to have mind blowing awesome sex but their vaginas just won’t cooperate?
Yeah, it sounds like you’ve got vaginismus. Go to the doctor.

Met a hot guy. I flirted, he was (for me, anyway) unusually unresponsive. Said he had a girlfriend when I asked for his number. Gave me his number anyway. Why?
Um, why do you think?

Is it ever a good idea to forgive your dad for calling you a bitch?
Absolutely, but the forgiveness is for your sake, not his.

You only answer the easy questions people ask you about politics. Anything that requires further analysis or depth you shy away from.
Ha! Whatever, Ben Shapiro. The assumption that you’re somehow challenging me with deep political questions reeks of a smug sense of entitlement. I’m not here to debate you. If you want to argue politics, catch me in a mood over on Twitter. Otherwise, come at me in good faith (I can tell the difference) and frame your questions in such a manner that doesn’t presume to know my position ahead of time.

I wanna ask you for advice but I have a long story.
If you’re the long story type, I highly recommend including your email with your submission. I’m much more like to respond to you privately than I am to publish your memoir on my site.

You’re bisexual yeah? Will you marry me?
Yeah, maybe. Send pics.

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Thoughts

On the resistance inside the trump administration

I decided it would be fun to break down today’s incendiary New York Times Opinion Piece. I’ve gunned it through my finely tuned bullshit detector and translated it line-by-line from its original Republican. Here are the results:

 

President Trump is facing a test to his presidency unlike any faced by a modern American leader.
The ship is going down, folks.

It’s not just that the special counsel looms large. Or that the country is bitterly divided over Mr. Trump’s leadership. Or even that his party might well lose the House to an opposition hellbent on his downfall.
We know he’s guilty. We know you hate him. We know we’re about to get our asses kicked.

The dilemma — which he does not fully grasp — is that many of the senior officials in his own administration are working diligently from within to frustrate parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations.
I just thought everyone (including our foreign adversaries) should know that the Executive Branch of the Federal Government is in a perpetual state of low-grade coup d’etat, and the President of the United States is literally too stupid to recognize it.

I would know. I am one of them.
I’m a rat in a room full of ass-covering cowards.

To be clear, ours is not the popular “resistance” of the left. We want the administration to succeed and think that many of its policies have already made America safer and more prosperous.
To be clear, we’re still a bunch of craven assholes. We want nothing more than the rich to get richer, and we’re totally cool with ripping babies from the arms of mothers if it means racist old white people will keep voting for us.

But we believe our first duty is to this country, and the president continues to act in a manner that is detrimental to the health of our republic.
Even ass-covering cowards need a sense of purpose, and we’ve found ours in continually preventing a narcissistic half-wit from accidentally starting World War III.

That is why many Trump appointees have vowed to do what we can to preserve our democratic institutions while thwarting Mr. Trump’s more misguided impulses until he is out of office.
Don’t you see? By being traitorous and disloyal to the worst human being to ever hold the office of President, that somehow makes us the good guys.

The root of the problem is the president’s amorality. Anyone who works with him knows he is not moored to any discernible first principles that guide his decision making.
The President of the United States is a psychopath. No, really. He’s an actual psychopath, and we don’t know if it’s better or worse that he’s also easily manipulated and painfully fucking stupid.

Although he was elected as a Republican, the president shows little affinity for ideals long espoused by conservatives: free minds, free markets and free people. At best, he has invoked these ideals in scripted settings. At worst, he has attacked them outright.
I am either completely full of shit, or I have a childlike grasp of contemporary Republicanism and such crippling levels of cognitive dissonance that I refuse to recognize how Donald Trump epitomizes the ideals long practiced by conservatives: closed minds, rigged markets, and selfish people.

In addition to his mass-marketing of the notion that the press is the “enemy of the people,” President Trump’s impulses are generally anti-trade and anti-democratic.
We’re absolutely terrified that he’s gonna fuck up the economy and we’ll end up like the rest of the poors.

Don’t get me wrong. There are bright spots that the near-ceaseless negative coverage of the administration fails to capture: effective deregulation, historic tax reform, a more robust military and more.
Again, we’re totally cool with his dumbfuck military parades, as long as we get our blank check to fuck up the environment and those sweet, sweet tax cuts for the wealthy.

But these successes have come despite — not because of — the president’s leadership style, which is impetuous, adversarial, petty and ineffective.
Honestly, we’re amazed we got those tax cuts, because the boss can’t even tie his shoelaces.

From the White House to executive branch departments and agencies, senior officials will privately admit their daily disbelief at the commander in chief’s comments and actions. Most are working to insulate their operations from his whims.
All of the narcissistic underlings that play golf with me will privately admit that even they aren’t as bad as the President. Most are working hard to protect their fiefdoms from the impending collapse of the administration.

Meetings with him veer off topic and off the rails, he engages in repetitive rants, and his impulsiveness results in half-baked, ill-informed and occasionally reckless decisions that have to be walked back.
Oh, did I mention the President has an undiagnosed major neurocognitive disorder with paranoid features?

“There is literally no telling whether he might change his mind from one minute to the next,” a top official complained to me recently, exasperated by an Oval Office meeting at which the president flip-flopped on a major policy decision he’d made only a week earlier.
While I’m at it, here is further evidence effectively demonstrating to everyone (including our foreign adversaries) that the President of the United States is suffering from significant cognitive decline.

The erratic behavior would be more concerning if it weren’t for unsung heroes in and around the White House. Some of his aides have been cast as villains by the media. But in private, they have gone to great lengths to keep bad decisions contained to the West Wing, though they are clearly not always successful.
Thank god we’re here to save you all from this man. Don’t you see we’re the good guys? Why are you all so mean to us? We’ve gone to such great lengths to mop up after a paranoid psychopath with dementia who happens to hold the most powerful elected office in the world. We want a cookie. Can we have a cookie?

It may be cold comfort in this chaotic era, but Americans should know that there are adults in the room. We fully recognize what is happening. And we are trying to do what’s right even when Donald Trump won’t.
We believe that we’re the adults in the room, which totally confirms that we also believe the President is non compos mentis.

The result is a two-track presidency.
The result is a shadow government.

Take foreign policy: In public and in private, President Trump shows a preference for autocrats and dictators, such as President Vladimir Putin of Russia and North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong-un, and displays little genuine appreciation for the ties that bind us to allied, like-minded nations.
If you think Trump tickles Putin’s balls in public, you should see the kneepads he breaks out in private. It’s downright treasonous!

Astute observers have noted, though, that the rest of the administration is operating on another track, one where countries like Russia are called out for meddling and punished accordingly, and where allies around the world are engaged as peers rather than ridiculed as rivals.
I am very likely either the Vice President, the Secretary of State, the Secretary of Defense, the Secretary of the Treasury, or the Attorney General.

On Russia, for instance, the president was reluctant to expel so many of Mr. Putin’s spies as punishment for the poisoning of a former Russian spy in Britain. He complained for weeks about senior staff members letting him get boxed into further confrontation with Russia, and he expressed frustration that the United States continued to impose sanctions on the country for its malign behavior. But his national security team knew better — such actions had to be taken, to hold Moscow accountable.
*twirls evil mustache* Then again, maybe I’m the Director of National Intelligence.

This isn’t the work of the so-called deep state. It’s the work of the steady state.
Whoever I may be, I am also a gaping asshole of such infinite magnitude that I would describe this shit show as the work of the “steady state.”

Given the instability many witnessed, there were early whispers within the cabinet of invoking the 25th Amendment, which would start a complex process for removing the president. But no one wanted to precipitate a constitutional crisis. So we will do what we can to steer the administration in the right direction until — one way or another — it’s over.
Oh yeah, I totally buried the lede. We had super secret cabinet-level meetings about removing the President of the United States from office, but then we figured, nah, let’s get those tax cuts.

The bigger concern is not what Mr. Trump has done to the presidency but rather what we as a nation have allowed him to do to us. We have sunk low with him and allowed our discourse to be stripped of civility.
We’re not gaslighting you. You’re gaslighting yourselves!

Senator John McCain put it best in his farewell letter. All Americans should heed his words and break free of the tribalism trap, with the high aim of uniting through our shared values and love of this great nation.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

We may no longer have Senator McCain. But we will always have his example — a lodestar for restoring honor to public life and our national dialogue. Mr. Trump may fear such honorable men, but we should revere them.
We hereby nominate Senator McCain for Republican Sainthood — and let’s use the word “lodestar” for no particular reason, because that seems totally fine and not at all a thing that closeted Republicans wish could be their porn name.

There is a quiet resistance within the administration of people choosing to put country first. But the real difference will be made by everyday citizens rising above politics, reaching across the aisle and resolving to shed the labels in favor of a single one: Americans.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit: ‘Murica.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

It’s been about 12 years since I was last in love. Why hasn’t it happened again?
Is it possible that twelve years ago you were a person who didn’t understand what it meant to be in love? Is it possible that you’ve held on to an erroneous idea of love all this time, or worse yet, an idealized version that wasn’t even real? Every relationship is different. Every love is unique. Whatever happened back then will never happen again. It is gone forever. Let that shit go. Quit using it as the standard against which all other relationships are measured. Allow yourself to be open to something altogether new.

I’m doing my Masters, after it taking me two bachelors degrees to figure out what I wanted to do. I have a full scholarship and I’m passionate about what i’m studying. But 8 months in, i’m so so tired and so disheartened. I am working harder than I’ve ever worked at anything, but my grades are average. I feel like i’ve always done well while coasting, and now that i’m throwing my all into this, i’m ‘failing’ (by my own standards, anyway). I don’t know if I really have a question. But if you have any advice on how to avoid burnout it would be much appreciated.
Those aren’t really your standards. That’s why you’re burning out. Let them go, and allow your standards to adjust. You aren’t failing. You’re doing just fine. Let it be enough that you’re getting through the program. The prize isn’t a degree with honors. That’s just a trophy. The prize is a specialized career that you love in a rarified field of professionals to which you will one day belong. Keep your eye on the prize, not the trophy.

I feel like I could get into and go to medical school if I put my mind to it and if I really wanted to. Should I? I’m so conflicted over what career path to take.
I didn’t hear anything about wanting to be a doctor, and that’s something you gotta really want. Medical school is a series of hazing rituals that puts you into a quarter million dollars of debt. The mere ability to run that gauntlet isn’t reason enough to do it. You should have a burning desire to be a physician or a surgeon. Otherwise, you will be making yourself miserable for a career that isn’t nearly as lucrative or esteemed as you think it is.

I’m seriously interested in doing the whole sugar baby thing. How difficult will this be?
I don’t know you. There is a range of personality traits as well as physical and emotional attributes that might make sex work particularly easy or a living hell. Odds are, like most jobs, it’ll just barely be worth whatever money you can make, but in our economy, that’s more a reflection on the job itself rather than the person doing it.

how do i untie my self worth from my appearance?
Live in a different culture.

Do you have good posture?
Well, we all just sat up a little straighter, didn’t we?

My twenties have been really shitty. Will my thirties be any better?
They will be different. I can’t speak to better.

What do you think of the term “fainting couch feminism?”
It’s just another way for right wing assholes to call us snowflakes. It’s fine. Let them continue to mistake our compassion for weakness as they slowly asphyxiate on their own irrelevance.

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Advice

On pumping your fuck brakes

Being told that the reason men leave is because I sleep with them fairly quickly. A therapist told me to wait months before fucking. It’s the hardest thing I have never done. I just want to know what you think because you’re smarter and funnier.

 

God, I hate this myth, that a woman’s value as a long-term partner is arbitrarily determined by whatever length of time she waits to have sex. It’s nothing more than an outmoded, patriarchal notion of sexual virtue, and it is so fucking gross.

Men do not stay or leave based upon when you sleep with them. They stay or leave based upon their phase of life, their emotional availability, and how much they’re into you. You’re probably dating immature, emotionally unavailable men who run for the hills regardless of how much they’re into you. Waiting to fuck them would only delay the inevitable.

If your therapist is telling you to pump your fuck brakes, she’s either a shitty therapist or she recognizes that you’re the type whose judgment gets cloudy once you let a dude cum inside you. I don’t know what your deal is, so I can’t say for sure. Maybe ask your therapist. If she says something moralistic about sex, fire her on the spot. If she expresses concern about your dating patterns and the type of men you consistently choose, maybe listen.

Even if you have legitimate reasons for changing up your fuck patterns, that still doesn’t mean that men are leaving you because you sleep with them quickly. There may be a correlation between the speeds at which you’re having sex and getting dumped, but that doesn’t imply causation.

Again, this is more about the type of men you’re choosing to fuck, not how quickly you’re choosing to fuck them. Honestly, I doubt that men leaving you is even the underlying problem. After all, you want the wrong men to leave you. That’s a good thing. The problem is likely that you’re a crush-junkie who mistakes big swoony emotions for good judgement.

If you want a long-term relationship, be more discerning. Learn how to spot maturity and emotional availability in men, and place more importance on a relationship’s health than its length.

 

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