Advice

On marrying yourself

I’m thinking of marrying myself. Like get the dress, find a venue, get an officiant and get fucking married to my damn self. The idea came from me (and my family) putting so much pressure on myself to getting married so I can finally have kids. It’s definitely taken a toll on my self-worth and I feel like I reek of desperation at this point. I’m 35, and my mom and younger sis constantly remind me of my biological clock. Did I mention my friends are all working on buying the 2nd property, or getting pregnant with their 3rd child?

I imagine marrying myself could be a symbolic gesture to commit to myself, listen more to my gut, and just shower myself with something nice for a change. Is this crazy? Am I going about this the wrong way? I know there’s a glaring blindspot here and my anxiety/ego is keeping me from seeing it.

Yes, this is crazy. It’s also a plot device from Season 6, Episode 9 of “Sex and the City,” so it’s not even that original. I bring up a seventeen year old TV reference to point out that behaving like Carrie “The Actual Villain” Bradshaw in the year of our lord 2020 is fucking insane and you should not do it.

If you think you reek of desperation now, just wait until you drop ten grand on a wedding-themed pity party that no one attends because people won’t even show up to a real wedding in the middle of a pandemic, much less a symbolic gesture of narcissism and sadness.

Tell your mother and younger sister to shut the fuck up about your biological clock. While you’re at it, tell yourself. Honestly, do you even want to have kids? Really? Really? I swear to god, every childfree 35 year old woman I know does this performative bullshit in front of her family while secretly thanking the ancient gods of fertility that she has been spared the trauma and decades-long waking nightmare of motherhood.

And as for marriage, grow the fuck up. It’s a ridiculous institution. You don’t need it. You especially don’t need a wedding. By all means, shower yourself with something nice, but a solo wedding isn’t nice. It’s gross and pathetic.

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15 thoughts on “On marrying yourself

  1. Sarah says:

    I mean, you could go on a very nice, long trip instead. It’d be a good opportunity to get out of your head and get the fuck away from your family for a while, too.

  2. Barf on the dress says:

    Travel out of the country, date around, truly dedicate yourself to a hobby or passion (GO DEEP), adopt a new exercise program or get into yoga, try psychedelics, study different philosophies, fucking have reiki performed on all of your chakras, throw a bunch of 20s off of a hot-air balloon mid flight — idgaf!!!
    Please do anything other than pay for a wedding to yourself. That’s a new low. Get it together.
    And tell your mom and sister to kindly fuck off. You’re 35 years old. It’s your life, not theirs.

    • Chris says:

      This was truly a bonus statement. For the time that I watched that show as a teenager I remember thinking Carrie was a terrible person. One time she was talking to a guy about her early years in NYC – how she’d buy fashion magazines instead of food because “I just felt like it fed me more.”

      Yeah, because you didn’t have to buy your own food, because, in the words of Stewie Griffin, Sex in the City is a show about “three hookers, and their mother.”

      The fact that that guy stayed to spend the night after hearing that was bonkers.

  3. Cuttlefish says:

    I loathed Carrie more with each hate-watch of Sex and the City back in the day. She really was the villain in her own story.

    And yes, the “marrying myself” thing is indescribably cringey and pointless. I also feel validated in rolling my eyes so hard they ached at the folks confidently asserting that Coke must’ve disappeared for so long because she got married and/or had a baby. This doesn’t sound like the advice of a woman trapped on one of those particular treadmills. Thank fuck.

  4. coffeespell says:

    Self esteem is great, but this crosses into narcissism and it isn’t nearly as cute as OP thinks it is. Also the fact that she’s writing this at 35 is cringey.

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