Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

It’s been about 12 years since I was last in love. Why hasn’t it happened again?
Is it possible that twelve years ago you were a person who didn’t understand what it meant to be in love? Is it possible that you’ve held on to an erroneous idea of love all this time, or worse yet, an idealized version that wasn’t even real? Every relationship is different. Every love is unique. Whatever happened back then will never happen again. It is gone forever. Let that shit go. Quit using it as the standard against which all other relationships are measured. Allow yourself to be open to something altogether new.

I’m doing my Masters, after it taking me two bachelors degrees to figure out what I wanted to do. I have a full scholarship and I’m passionate about what i’m studying. But 8 months in, i’m so so tired and so disheartened. I am working harder than I’ve ever worked at anything, but my grades are average. I feel like i’ve always done well while coasting, and now that i’m throwing my all into this, i’m ‘failing’ (by my own standards, anyway). I don’t know if I really have a question. But if you have any advice on how to avoid burnout it would be much appreciated.
Those aren’t really your standards. That’s why you’re burning out. Let them go, and allow your standards to adjust. You aren’t failing. You’re doing just fine. Let it be enough that you’re getting through the program. The prize isn’t a degree with honors. That’s just a trophy. The prize is a specialized career that you love in a rarified field of professionals to which you will one day belong. Keep your eye on the prize, not the trophy.

I feel like I could get into and go to medical school if I put my mind to it and if I really wanted to. Should I? I’m so conflicted over what career path to take.
I didn’t hear anything about wanting to be a doctor, and that’s something you gotta really want. Medical school is a series of hazing rituals that puts you into a quarter million dollars of debt. The mere ability to run that gauntlet isn’t reason enough to do it. You should have a burning desire to be a physician or a surgeon. Otherwise, you will be making yourself miserable for a career that isn’t nearly as lucrative or esteemed as you think it is.

I’m seriously interested in doing the whole sugar baby thing. How difficult will this be?
I don’t know you. There is a range of personality traits as well as physical and emotional attributes that might make sex work particularly easy or a living hell. Odds are, like most jobs, it’ll just barely be worth whatever money you can make, but in our economy, that’s more a reflection on the job itself rather than the person doing it.

how do i untie my self worth from my appearance?
Live in a different culture.

Do you have good posture?
Well, we all just sat up a little straighter, didn’t we?

My twenties have been really shitty. Will my thirties be any better?
They will be different. I can’t speak to better.

What do you think of the term “fainting couch feminism?”
It’s just another way for right wing assholes to call us snowflakes. It’s fine. Let them continue to mistake our compassion for weakness as they slowly asphyxiate on their own irrelevance.


19 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. N. Apkins says:

    I asked the question about going to medical school. Yes, I want to be a doctor, but what I’m worried about is not my desire to be a doctor, but my ability to make it through medical school. I know I am academically capable, but I often experience crippling anxiety, depression, and self-doubt, and I’m afraid if I had a flare-up, so to speak, I would fail out. I don’t know if I can handle the anxiety of taking out the loans. I’m scared I wouldn’t be able to make it through without breaking down, not because of the amount or difficulty of the work, but simply because I’ve never, even after being able to meet certain external standards, really had any faith in myself. Like you said in your previous post, I wish there was a way to just inject confidence into your body. I wish I could feel more capable, able, competent, worthy of the challenges that come my way.

    • Chris says:

      You are wise to be concerned, and even more so to seek counsel.

      If the loans are the most stressful thing – not the work – then look into an MD/PhD program.

      Here is a very upbeat Q&A from a person who did it:

      Here’s the Wikipedia entry:

      Would you consider being a military doctor? If so, search to see if they will pay your way through from the beginning. Also, you can make more (and have loans forgiven, I’ve heard) if you’ll go to the Midwest, which doesn’t mean Sticksville, pop. 77, but maybe an hour outside a city like Cincinnati or Milwaukee.

      A question beyond this is, if you don’t go the route of being an MD, what will you do?

    • Lit says:

      It might be an advantage to already have depression and anxiety, because med school and hospital life will give you depression and anxiety. Being in a hospital and seeing people and their families suffer and die will cause bruises in your heart that, if they do heal, take a long time to heal. The pressure to perform is immense, and there is so much peer pressure as well as pressure from your school.
      You will also meet some of the smartest and kindest people in the world. Also, being able to tell someone they can go home back to their family after a hospital stay is one of the best feelings.

      Speaking as a med student (in Europe), I do it because I am fully aware of the suffering in the world, and I think my depression would be so much worse if I didn’t have the skills or capacity to directly reduce it.

      There are ups and downs, but resilience and confidence aren’t just something you are born with that have a cap, they’re something you develop through your trials and tribulations.

    • Lark says:

      Med school ain’t the hard part. Residency is, and nobody in school will tell you how soul-sucking it is. Find someone who is in residency now or finished within the last few years and talk to them. By the way, you will only have a quarter million dollars of debt if you go to a very cheap state school ($15-20k annual tuition + $20k living expenses + interest). Work out how much you will owe by the end of residency, the take-home pay of your ideal specialty, and factor those into your decision. Know that, except for a few specialties, becoming a physician in the US is not a good financial decision.

  2. TeamSalamander says:

    Teens were spent in serially monogamous mating games, living for late nights and longer leashes. Twenties were spent self directing my education, learning how I like to fuck/what kind of people I like to take that a step further with, and exploring organizations. I just hit thirty and it feels good, got my idealism in check, got my standards pretty well mapped out, now just tortoise stepping toward my dreams.

  3. SJ says:

    Don’t worry about not feeling in love with someone. Personally, I would rather a long wait than a bunch of close calls. The first time I fell in love (and hopefully the only time!) was when I was 36. It was, and still is more than worth the wait.

    Also, I totally agree about the need to really want to be a doctor. I got a nursing degree because my mom was a nurse, I knew I could do it, wanted a career with flexibilty/benefits/good pay, but I quit a couple of years ago because I didn’t have the passion for it that others do. Just my two cents.

  4. Adjustme says:

    I’m beginning to think love is something you can make happen…not for someone else, but for you. That’s what happens in arranged marriages. Maybe not all the time, and it would be good to have research on it…but I hear as many good stories as bad. Shared adversity breeds solidarity. Commitment is fertile ground for love. Infatuation? No fucking way.

  5. G says:

    Regarding the med school question, those of you who may have the same question about law school should know the answer is the same, but insert “lawyer” instead of doctor. And don’t be fooled by tv lawyers or anyone who says you can do anything with a law degree, because neither one has a realistic concept of the legal profession and what the degree requires and entails.

    Welcome back, Coke. Missed you.

    • Chris says:

      Tucker Max wrote a very thoughtful piece on working as an attorney, which he concluded based on internship experience. I read it while working as a tax consultant and my wife and I were both considering law school. It really hit home when he talked about tracking your time in 6 minute increments to be added to your time sheet in tenths of an hour, and how it takes about 9+ hours to get to the necessary 7.5 billable hours in a day.

      • G says:

        Haha and that’s not even the half of it, though Tucker Max is probably emblematic of the types of assholes you meet in the profession.

      • Ted Leighton says:

        Yes, the time sheet. But never forget that it’s inaccurate, stripped of time from low level people “paying their dues” and stuffed full of time for partners to rack up hours they aren’t earning.

  6. Q says:

    What does “live in a different culture” mean? Change social circles? Filter media consumption? Uproot your life and move halfway across the world?

    • Rubykat says:

      Yup. I happened to have done all of the above exactly. I have learned to unlearn many concepts. It all happened organically for me.

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