Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Omg, thank you for posting again
Sure thing.

Did you stop blogging because of the trolls?
Nope, not at all. I’m just living a life over here, and sometimes I have to focus on other things.

I’m 27 and debt-free and I’ve finally given up on the idea that people liking me and being right will make me successful. What now?
Surround yourself with quality people, and find something that you enjoy doing.

I pretty much get all my news from Vox and podcasts. I don’t know if this is bad.
Add the Washington Post and a well-curated Twitter account into the mix, and you’ll be fine.

When I’m with someone, I know my worth. I’m intelligent, thoughtful, empathetic, independent, whatever. If they lose interest in me, I think “your loss, you won’t find another person like me.” Is this arrogance or self-esteem talking?
That first bit with all the positive characteristics is self-esteem. That second bit about him not finding another person like you is arrogance.

I’m 35 and divorced. He’s 42 and divorced. We both want a family. We both don’t have one. I’m not sure if I love him but I know he would be a good and dedicated father. Should I do it? Is it settling?
It’s not settling if having a family is a higher priority for you than being in love. It’s important that he’ll be a good and dedicated father, but make absolutely sure he will be a good and dedicated partner as well.

On the first date, a guy wanted to fuck me. Declined, but said perhaps in the future if he “plays his cards right” (forgive the cliché). Why does it bother me that he referred to it as me “playing games”? It was going really well otherwise, I just needed more time to decide when (if) I wanted to have sex with him.
You literally referenced playing a card game with regard to his pursuit of you sexually. If the “playing games” cliché bothers you, perhaps you should update your metaphors. (And it bothers you because you take your vagina way too seriously.)

Coke, why are people fucking dumb enough to buy and use “smart speakers” in their homes? Do people really not give a shit about their privacy for the sake of mind numbing convenience?
We walk around with microphones and cameras in our pockets all day long. You think that’s any different than having an Echo in your apartment? Besides, nobody with the skill or authority to hack your devices is listening to you. You aren’t that important.

How many times have you changed careers?
Three.

Do you still feel the same way about monogamy as your younger selves?
Yes and no. These days my dial is set somewhere around monogamish.

So… thoughts on 2018 so far?
Better than 2017.

Standard

137 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Helena says:

    Thank you for posting.

    With regards to the post consisting of apologies for previously expecting a reply; I earlier did that and in an equally rude, weird and self-conscious way. My solace was that the world does not revolve around me nor my comments to a blogpost.

    Either way, thank you for everything. I made sure to get copies of your book and recently had the chance to give it to a friend who’ve moved far away. Needless to say he loved it.

    Wish you (and all of us) the best for 2018.

  2. Esme says:

    As someone who’s not huge on strangers,
    I struggled with the response to the woman accused of playing games. Should she have said instead, ‘I don’t know you well enough to fuck you?’ And, if she doesn’t want to, regardless of the reason, then she shouldn’t, right?
    I haven’t been looking in decades, but I get the impression that women still get judged for having sex, and that there is still the notion, probably mostly unfounded, that a longer period of observation increases the odds of spotting the rapists. Is it better not to allow these concerns to affect one’s sexual decisions? I assumed this was motivating the ‘game player’ and not an exaggerated sense of the specialness of her vagina.

    • ivy says:

      “If you play your cards right” frames sex as a reward the guy can win with strategic actions, while “I need more time/I like to know people before I fuck them” has nothing to do with how he behaves and just expresses a personal limit.

      Put another way, my pussy isn’t a prize– it’s a participant.

  3. Earwig says:

    Am actually pretty surprised you aren’t on board with calling Apple, Google, and Amazon on their creepy surveillance capitalism bullshit.

    • Thracian says:

      Yeah. my thoughts exactly…

      The problem isn’t that the FBI is listening to your plans to #resist, the problem is that giant corporations are using sophisticated algorithms to gather data to and target marketing with increasing accuracy. It’s becomming more difficult everyday to tune out the constant barrage of messages from the market. Privacy concerns are not about keeping your plans from individuals who want to “know your business,” but about keeping your data from companies who are very good at selling you shit without you even noticing.

      C’mon, Coke. WTF.

      • Jessica Sen says:

        I’m more concerned about information being filtered because of consumer preferences and political leanings, creating a myopic perspective out of structural confirmation bias.

        • Thracian says:

          Yeah, but you’re pretty much always delusional, right?

          either way it’s marketing, toots. Someone is selling you something.

          • Jessica Sen says:

            Hey, I’m fine with people selling me stuff. Chicken eggs are delicious and you ain’t gotta eat what the chicken shits, unless you’re basic.

  4. grouch says:

    Those in-home speakers don’t actually have the capability to listen to what is going on when they’re not activated. They’re essentially two computers – one is just listening for the wakeword, recognizing “Alexa” is all it knows how to do, and then when it hears it, it wakes up the other computer, which handles your request (well, sends it to the cloud). It doesn’t have the capability to store any data when not summoned. I was really skeptical about those devices at first, and the privacy issues, but they can’t actually listen when not in use. Also, those giant tech companies have more than enough data on everyone otherwise, from all the devices they use, and their internet behaviour.

    Example: Apple Maps does this cool thing where it shows you a route, but also shows how traffic is doing on segments of the route. They know how traffic is doing because tons of people have iPhones, and they check to see how fast some of them are going.

  5. SR says:

    Is it just me, or do these last few responses not sound like the Coke I know back from 2010? The snark, the wit, the sharp insight, everything is missing. It really feels like these answers are being written by multiple people.

    • Aviva says:

      Well, she’s made it pretty clear over the last year or so that her priorities have shifted and I guess that whatever you now find lacking in her responses didn’t make her shortlist.

    • H says:

      But one’s views shifts or are colored by what’s around us, and when that changes so does the expression. It strikes me that this has been a topic before in the comment section… Nonetheless, has your tone and expression changed over the past 7-8 years? They probably have (and perhaps regardless should have).

      Bit off-topic, but not entirely : I recommend anyone who’s bored or with time to spare to read DH Lawrence’s – Why the Novel Matters.

      “In all this change, I maintain a certain integrity. But woe betide me if I try to put my finger on it. If I say of myself, I am this, I am that!–then, if I stick to it, I turn into a stupid fixed thing like a lamp-post. I shall never know wherein lies my integrity, my individuality, my me. I can never know it. It is useless to talk about my ego. That only means that I have made up an idea of myself, and that I am trying to cut myself out to pattern. Which is no good. You can cut your cloth to fit your coat, but you can’t clip bits off your living body, to trim it down to your idea. True, you can put yourself into ideal corsets. But even in ideal corsets, fashions change.”

    • Rasta Ray says:

      Exactly, I’m the same person from 2010 and use all the same words and approaches. For example, I’m never going to invest in the stock market, and I know that Obama is going to ruin America! Also, the auto bailout will kill the world.

    • experimental says:

      No, but I think her answers are a little harder to swallow now because she stops herself even shorter than telling us exactly how to implement or interpret her advice.

      • KG says:

        I think her answers are just way more succinct, and the change in tone just seems to reflect that she seems to have less time to write a more detailed answer (no criticism intended at all – I am grateful for the time Coke can share with us). Coke has less time and and even fewer fucks left to give.

        I also kind of feel like most questions people have can probably be answered by reading through old posts. No point Coke writing an essay long response which the person could probably work out for them self by reading through other parts of the website.

    • Cuttlefish says:

      I highly doubt that I, for example, sound like the me from back in 2010 (i.e. just 2 years shy of a decade) either. Change is the only constant, my friend, and human personalities are not immune.

  6. Jessica Sen says:

    My head hurts. Can i please have a shoulder to snooze on? Otherwise, a pork taco would be fine. What are you guys up to? Are you still on the streetz? I think that we should break into the White House and have a Sex Party. Tomorrow would be a good day. Bring protection. Muah!

  7. Jessica Sen says:

    This is a true story.

    Early winter of 2015, I met my soulmate in a garden. We had known each other through previous lifetimes and this one was not to escape us. I had to go to war, and he carried me on his back to the airfield where I would board a plane to be dropped directly into the heart of battle. Before I left, he kissed me and said that he would always be right behind me.

    We were engaged in the fall of 2016. I was in the desert in the middle of a very difficult field training, and he appeared with an oxygen mask and medicine. That was right before I penetrated the enemy base and was scarred beyond recognition. Our best friend married us Christmas 2017, right before I left for my final battle. We were married on the front steps of our house, with no one as witness.

    This is the war I was born to fight, but I will not come back the same. Already, I can feel myself no longer a girl. He cannot protect me. But he can wait for me. And this way, I will know my way home.

    Many do not understand the enemy we are up against. They think me a sentimentalist. No, a sentimentalist is one who wishes the luxury of emotion without paying for it, and I, my dear, have paid dearly. I have been away so long that tall weeds have grown a forest around my house and I no longer remember the smell of bread. But I remember his footsteps, the steady march of one foot by the other, keeping count of the days till peace. I remember his laughter, exploding the walls around us and ascending the skies as a message to the gods to be kind to us all.

    Never was there another flower so lovely as him, a flower that made it feel like home. And for that flower, I fight.

      • Jessica Sen says:

        I stole from Oscar Wilde and that sonofabitch Hemingway had the cops chasing me. When they finally caught up with me (bottle of vodka weighing me down), I was asked to return the quote I stole. I then rummaged through my purse and found a fortune cookie. Hemingway opened it and read it out loud (by then, he’d somehow managed to be casually drinking the vodka).

        “I ate your fish you mofo” said the cookie.

        “Oh good god,” said Hemingway, “these Orients just won’t speak correctly! Grief!”

        “Are you gonna eat that?” I asked politely, pointing to the cookie.

        “I think not,” he said, “I must say I mistrust it.”

        Oscar Wilde came out of the blue, riding on a small bruised looking horse.

        “Good god!” exclaimed Hemingway, “now, what have you done to the poor creature?”

        “He fell,” said Oscar.

        “God damnit!” I yelled, “Oscar I told you to take care of the damn horse.”

        Oscar paled. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I was just in such a rush and we both tripped over some cobblestones and fell.”

        Scowling, I took another fortune cookie out my backpack.

        “Here. Lost your quote, but here’s a cookie.”

        Unwilling to make a scene in such a public place, he begrudgingly took the cookie.

        “Go on, have a crack at it,” I ordered.

        He did. I peeked over his arm to have a look. It said, “stop painting apes you autistic fuck”.

        He looked at me. I shrugged. Hey, I didn’t make those, I said.

          • Jessica Sen says:

            And I forgot to say, in the background of the street they’re on, hangs a still-life painting of an ape covered in chalk, looking rather suspicious.

        • KittyNinja says:

          look a dat mouse and her cookie

          i mean, keep posting because you’re going to do you, but one can just as easily argue that this doesn’t belong here but that’s the point that i’m not so sure you’re in on.

          • Jessica Sen says:

            I could argue that your comment doesn’t belong here because you don’t seem to understand the value of punctuation, but hey, live and let live.

          • Jessica Sen says:

            But yeah fine I’ll post on my blog. I’ve got about 20 submissions probably from you fuckers I haven’t answered yet

          • KittyNinja says:

            lmao jessica do you always discredit people who put the crumbs out to see you stumble over them? come now, you must know i purposefully wrote in a way to seek to irk you and get you to react versus listen.

            but you’ve been here long enough to know you shouldn’t react nor care if anyone likes your work. you have also been here long enough to know that people telling you to post your navel gazing on your own blog is just as fine as it is for you to post it. heck, you’ve been here long enough to know that punctuation is not an indicator of intelligence and that intelligence is not an inherent indicator of worthiness.

            all in all, you should have been here long enough to know to not take this shit so personally.

  8. Jessica Sen says:

    Hey, your phone is ringing. You should answer that.

    It’s your worst enemy here to talk to you.

    She tells you that you are not the centre of the universe – neither is she – so please stop.

    Examine your bullshit. Analyse your deep fears and insecurities. Look in the mirror into the tunnel in your eyeball and answer this honestly: is there somebody there left?

    Is there something there that you cannot put on a piece of paper, or even two? Is there something there that cannot be destroyed, like a photograph?

    There is something important to be done, and you cannot be important to do it.

  9. Jessica Sen says:

    Jesus, it’s quiet here. Like a fucking apocalypse hit this motherfucking town. I came here for my smoke break and found no one here. Bored. So lonely. No one wants to talk to me. Should have just stayed in my garden and not bothered. Bored.

  10. Jessica Sen says:

    Oscar noms:

    Best Picture – The Shape of Water
    Best Actor – Tom Hanks (duh)
    Best Actoress – Frances McDormand
    Best Costume – The Shape of Water
    Best Soundtrack – Pitch Perfect III

    Make a note and send it to 19 Piccadilly Ct, San Rafael. Thanks very much!

  11. Alex says:

    I’ve felt so desperate and lost lately. I know a lot of others who rely on this site for some solid guidance probably feel the same. Hang in there, sisters.

    • AJ says:

      We must do like every Pope in the past has done when confronted on what to do with all the rapists who work for him:

      We shrug and say, ‘fuck it.’

      It’s the only way.

      • KarlaKarma says:

        Wow, I think after this comment there was some kind of crazy rant I remember from J-Sen. Now gone even though it was more than 15 minutes.

        Feeling like crazy-ass J-Sen is a CQ alternate personality now.

        • flblbl says:

          it “disappeared” after i mentioned to coke that someone was being extra talking about her death and shit in her comments section, don’t know if it’s incidental or no, but yeah i’m not really convinced about that alternate personality thing

  12. Seek help elsewhere says:

    @jessiesen I saw your Instagram. You don’t realize how unfunny and mentally ill you are. Seek help elsewhere. Professional help.

  13. Jessica Sen says:

    Hey fuckers, rise and shine. Stretch those toes and count to five, for WE ARE FAMILY! On the agenda today, catch the house lizards, turn them into pixie dust, kill the 1%, fuck the trolls, play with your puppy, eat your oats or rice, coffee, always coffee, dance to the tune of Bad Blood, and gobble up the latest season of The Good Place through synopsis scheming, and turn all this shit to gold. Love, Jessie.

  14. Jessica Sen says:

    Holy fuck, it’s not even lunch and *hell* have I been productive.

    Nobody at the canteen yet?

    Lol, call me for munch.

    Love to fuckeriérs.

  15. Jessica Sen says:

    Damn near tea time.

    Where’s everybody?!

    Gone the fuck to bed it would so appear.

    Sorry I missed you guys at lunch, I was living in my own world. ):

    Got my own fairy warrior maiden here, don’t need any of you pacifist cunts.

  16. Jessica Sen says:

    Okay, this is the time of day when I’m super grumpy because all my friends are asleep and my parents have hidden every single bottle of wine up their joined arses because they are close-minded, unobservant, proud, and ridiculously ignorant fools. In Singapore, we call them the Sandwich Generation. The generation of tooks that don’t know their lefts from the right unless posted on a legally made, government authorized, safety certified, street sign, situated right in front of their fucking faces.

    I’ve had it.

    You guys go kill them in your sleep.

    Love,

    Jessie.

    • Jessica Sen says:

      Who the fuck said Coke was dead?

      I was talking about my grandmother.

      Fuck you, not everyone here is talking about Coke.

      It ain’t all about Coke.

      Just cause your life revolves around Coke doesn’t mean everyone else’s does.

      Who the fuck is Coke anyway?

      Fuck off.

  17. Jessica Sen says:

    Oh btw, if you are a psychiatrist, do check out jessicasen.com!

    I’m a madman who’s broken out of the institution and written you a fuck you letter.

    Sayonara, and arigato hey!

  18. Mood Disorder Unit says:

    Please, may you gifted children tell me who Whoami, Jessica Sen, and Coke are? This information is pertinent to our developmental research of the eugenics experimentation we have running.

  19. Bryan says:

    What the fuck is going on? Can someone tell me what the mood disorder unit has to do with anything?!? It’s like there’s a secret operation going on that no one invited me to, and it’s your own loss because I’m a super duper alpha male, so male that my dick has little balls growing off the sides of it.

  20. KarlaKarma says:

    Seeing comments coming in minutes apart on a practically dead post makes me think there’s just one poster in the bunch, esp since these names have never blessed this site before.

  21. Jessica Sen says:

    Hey fuckers!

    RISE AND FUCKIN’ GRIND.

    Got your Coffee? Good. So do I.

    In today’s news, we’ve got a new Falcon recruit, who’s of promising intelligence and surrounded by dismaying clay figurines. We have to break her out! Her topic of specialisation is nuclear cogeneration, and Elon’s been sent a memo about his latest talent.

    Sadly, she’s said to be too busy to help me with my falconry, or did I mean fuckery? Fuckery.

    She’s also still, tragically, living on the fake side of Twitter. Strange how nobody posts here anymore, almost like there’s a fascist crypto-clown in charge of this operation. It’s sad, talking to just poor ol’ sickly me, here.

    Arigato hey!

  22. Jessica Sen says:

    Day who-the-fuck-knows of my hospital infiltration.

    I’m bone tired.

    Tired to the point where music isn’t even really doing anything.

    Yes it’s that bad.

    I just want to go home to my strawberry shortcake.

    My work here is done, for now.

    Till next time, lizards.

  23. Jessica Sen says:

    I’m not weak. I just need a short change before I become desensitised to violence. Because one does. That’s how one survives in a war zone.

    I’ll be back.

  24. Jessica Sen says:

    Hey you guys, I’m tired. Are you? Much better after seeing my puppy.

    Here’s a million ants for y’all.

    Coke says, “Yes”, whatever the hell that means.

    I say no. Not yet.

  25. Jessica Sen says:

    Hey you guys, it’s time.

    The earth’s making a solid shift in its axis, and you may be experiencing it at different waves from each other.

    Some freaky shit has been going on since the super blue blood moon, and time, space, and light has been changing. If you feel dissociated, panicked, worthless, or lost, remember that this too shall pass, as all things do. Those of us who are more sensitive on the spectrum will feel the effects of this zonal blink more than others, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

    You are simply a traveler who’s misplaced her bag, and your plane’s circling the sky a few more times than you expected. But the plane will land when the landing strip is in the clear, and your bag will turn up, somewhere, soon. None of this is anyone’s fault – none of us are powerful enough to have done this alone.

    If you are feeling anxious, I suggest listening to an audio track of the rain. If you’re unable to feel your body, I suggest taichi. Don’t worry, you don’t need to be an expert to do it, the idea is just to move your hands and feet slowly so you’re aware of them. You can also turn down the lights and use headphones, if you are having a sensory overload.

    Distract yourself from the terror – colouring, rearranging your room, talking to a friend, all these help. You’ll have time to analyse and understand what’s happening later.

    Remember this: you’ll be fine. All of you. I promise.

  26. Jessica Sen says:

    Hey puppies. Just checking in. Hope you’re all well and keeping cosy. If you’re feeling anxious today, find the closest person you know and make out with them. We’ll keep our souls safe in between our lips. Love you all. Jessie.

  27. Jessica Sen says:

    Hey little wolves!

    How’s your weekend going?

    The weather’s been fair and temperate where I am; the air slowly being scented by the flying ants delivering parcels for nothing.

    My kids are sleepwalking less, and the nightmares coming to an end.

    When you feel alone, please remember the Coquette adopted all of you, and I love you cunts.

    Now seeking friends for the start of the world.

  28. Jessica Sen says:

    Arigato puppies!

    Not much going on here, and I’m sorry some of you have those uncomfortable collars around your neck. I put them there because there were some robot fleas infecting your blood, and the sooner we’re rid of them, the better.

    The process requires removing the artificial little bumps from your fur, but you will soon feel much, much better.

    Love you puppies. Jessie

  29. Melissa Yan Low says:

    Hey you guys, we haven’t spoken for quite some time, and I hope that all is well. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my mother who wasn’t doing so well until recently, when things started to look brighter. I never realised how much attention she paid me until I had to do all the dishes myself. I’m very independent, but it’s always nice to know she’ll be home when I get back late at night and everything is too quiet in the dark.

    • Jessica Sen says:

      Bernie’s too old, dude.

      We need someone like Bernie, but young and spirited.

      Someone charismatic, fiercely intelligent, willing to take one for the team.

      It would be great if this guy had Hillary’s Machiavellian nature.

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