Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Omg, thank you for posting again
Sure thing.

Did you stop blogging because of the trolls?
Nope, not at all. I’m just living a life over here, and sometimes I have to focus on other things.

I’m 27 and debt-free and I’ve finally given up on the idea that people liking me and being right will make me successful. What now?
Surround yourself with quality people, and find something that you enjoy doing.

I pretty much get all my news from Vox and podcasts. I don’t know if this is bad.
Add the Washington Post and a well-curated Twitter account into the mix, and you’ll be fine.

When I’m with someone, I know my worth. I’m intelligent, thoughtful, empathetic, independent, whatever. If they lose interest in me, I think “your loss, you won’t find another person like me.” Is this arrogance or self-esteem talking?
That first bit with all the positive characteristics is self-esteem. That second bit about him not finding another person like you is arrogance.

I’m 35 and divorced. He’s 42 and divorced. We both want a family. We both don’t have one. I’m not sure if I love him but I know he would be a good and dedicated father. Should I do it? Is it settling?
It’s not settling if having a family is a higher priority for you than being in love. It’s important that he’ll be a good and dedicated father, but make absolutely sure he will be a good and dedicated partner as well.

On the first date, a guy wanted to fuck me. Declined, but said perhaps in the future if he “plays his cards right” (forgive the cliché). Why does it bother me that he referred to it as me “playing games”? It was going really well otherwise, I just needed more time to decide when (if) I wanted to have sex with him.
You literally referenced playing a card game with regard to his pursuit of you sexually. If the “playing games” cliché bothers you, perhaps you should update your metaphors. (And it bothers you because you take your vagina way too seriously.)

Coke, why are people fucking dumb enough to buy and use “smart speakers” in their homes? Do people really not give a shit about their privacy for the sake of mind numbing convenience?
We walk around with microphones and cameras in our pockets all day long. You think that’s any different than having an Echo in your apartment? Besides, nobody with the skill or authority to hack your devices is listening to you. You aren’t that important.

How many times have you changed careers?
Three.

Do you still feel the same way about monogamy as your younger selves?
Yes and no. These days my dial is set somewhere around monogamish.

So… thoughts on 2018 so far?
Better than 2017.

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19 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Helena says:

    Thank you for posting.

    With regards to the post consisting of apologies for previously expecting a reply; I earlier did that and in an equally rude, weird and self-conscious way. My solace was that the world does not revolve around me nor my comments to a blogpost.

    Either way, thank you for everything. I made sure to get copies of your book and recently had the chance to give it to a friend who’ve moved far away. Needless to say he loved it.

    Wish you (and all of us) the best for 2018.

  2. Esme says:

    As someone who’s not huge on strangers,
    I struggled with the response to the woman accused of playing games. Should she have said instead, ‘I don’t know you well enough to fuck you?’ And, if she doesn’t want to, regardless of the reason, then she shouldn’t, right?
    I haven’t been looking in decades, but I get the impression that women still get judged for having sex, and that there is still the notion, probably mostly unfounded, that a longer period of observation increases the odds of spotting the rapists. Is it better not to allow these concerns to affect one’s sexual decisions? I assumed this was motivating the ‘game player’ and not an exaggerated sense of the specialness of her vagina.

    • ivy says:

      “If you play your cards right” frames sex as a reward the guy can win with strategic actions, while “I need more time/I like to know people before I fuck them” has nothing to do with how he behaves and just expresses a personal limit.

      Put another way, my pussy isn’t a prize– it’s a participant.

  3. Earwig says:

    Am actually pretty surprised you aren’t on board with calling Apple, Google, and Amazon on their creepy surveillance capitalism bullshit.

  4. grouch says:

    Those in-home speakers don’t actually have the capability to listen to what is going on when they’re not activated. They’re essentially two computers – one is just listening for the wakeword, recognizing “Alexa” is all it knows how to do, and then when it hears it, it wakes up the other computer, which handles your request (well, sends it to the cloud). It doesn’t have the capability to store any data when not summoned. I was really skeptical about those devices at first, and the privacy issues, but they can’t actually listen when not in use. Also, those giant tech companies have more than enough data on everyone otherwise, from all the devices they use, and their internet behaviour.

    Example: Apple Maps does this cool thing where it shows you a route, but also shows how traffic is doing on segments of the route. They know how traffic is doing because tons of people have iPhones, and they check to see how fast some of them are going.

  5. SR says:

    Is it just me, or do these last few responses not sound like the Coke I know back from 2010? The snark, the wit, the sharp insight, everything is missing. It really feels like these answers are being written by multiple people.

    • Aviva says:

      Well, she’s made it pretty clear over the last year or so that her priorities have shifted and I guess that whatever you now find lacking in her responses didn’t make her shortlist.

    • H says:

      But one’s views shifts or are colored by what’s around us, and when that changes so does the expression. It strikes me that this has been a topic before in the comment section… Nonetheless, has your tone and expression changed over the past 7-8 years? They probably have (and perhaps regardless should have).

      Bit off-topic, but not entirely : I recommend anyone who’s bored or with time to spare to read DH Lawrence’s – Why the Novel Matters.

      “In all this change, I maintain a certain integrity. But woe betide me if I try to put my finger on it. If I say of myself, I am this, I am that!–then, if I stick to it, I turn into a stupid fixed thing like a lamp-post. I shall never know wherein lies my integrity, my individuality, my me. I can never know it. It is useless to talk about my ego. That only means that I have made up an idea of myself, and that I am trying to cut myself out to pattern. Which is no good. You can cut your cloth to fit your coat, but you can’t clip bits off your living body, to trim it down to your idea. True, you can put yourself into ideal corsets. But even in ideal corsets, fashions change.”

    • Rasta Ray says:

      Exactly, I’m the same person from 2010 and use all the same words and approaches. For example, I’m never going to invest in the stock market, and I know that Obama is going to ruin America! Also, the auto bailout will kill the world.

    • experimental says:

      No, but I think her answers are a little harder to swallow now because she stops herself even shorter than telling us exactly how to implement or interpret her advice.

      • KG says:

        I think her answers are just way more succinct, and the change in tone just seems to reflect that she seems to have less time to write a more detailed answer (no criticism intended at all – I am grateful for the time Coke can share with us). Coke has less time and and even fewer fucks left to give.

        I also kind of feel like most questions people have can probably be answered by reading through old posts. No point Coke writing an essay long response which the person could probably work out for them self by reading through other parts of the website.

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