Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Would you suck Trump’s mushroom cock to completion if it meant he dropped dead immediately after?
Only after January 3rd, only on camera, and only if Mike Pence held a gun to my head and jerked off while I did it.

Should I be concerned that I’m drinking to get through the day?

You probably couldn’t give two shits but I’m interested in your take on Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson’s relationship. I’m a pragmatist at heart but I couldn’t help hoping that wild infatuation would last- that there could be a relationship where you get matching tattoos in the first month and never ultimately regret them.
Please. Ariana is going through her dirtbag phase. She likes her dirtbags harmless and sweet, but they’re still crusty-ass boys. That’s fine. It’s age appropriate, and I doubt she’ll regret any tattoos for sentimental reasons. For the record, wild infatuation never lasts. Never. Either it dies or you do. No exceptions. That’s not to say wild infatuation can’t mellow out into something better. It can, but the tidal forces of celebrity don’t really allow for that.

Would you stay in a relationship with someone emotionally abusive to inherit one million dollars?
As in all things, it depends. Personally, I’d put up with a lot of shit for a million dollars, but of course, there are limits. I’d need some context to give you a more specific answer.

He tried to kill me and I don’t have enough proof to prosecute. What now?
Again, y’all need to provide me with more context for any kind of detailed answer. Generically though, I’d suggest you get an order of protection, make public as much information as safely possible so that everyone knows what he did, and then you should move on with your life.

The pullout method has worked for me my entire life, and if I had to, I’d rather take a million abortion pills than take birth control because… I’m really biochemically sensitive, to all meds, not just hormones. Yet everyone’s always trying to get me to get on the pill. It’s clear I trust my own judgment. So… Why is that?
First of all, the morning-after pill is *not* the abortion pill. Know the difference, and if you’re “biochemically sensitive” to hormonal meds, you’re in for a few days of excruciating pain if you end up needing to take either of the two. It’s fine to rely on the pullout method if you’re super diligent and not at all worried about STDs, but if I were you, I’d keep a couple boxes of Plan B in the medicine cabinet. You never know when your pullout partner is gonna get his timing wrong, and given the current political climate, you never know when our country might go full Handmaid’s Tale and pull all those pills off the shelf.

Today at lunch my lesbian friend said, “even though it’s not like that with us, I could never date you because you’re bisexual. Even if you were the hottest girl in the world, actually perfect, I wouldn’t because you’re not lesbian. So maybe that’s why you’re having a hard time finding a girlfriend.” Ha ok WHAT THE FUCK? Please guide me.
Yeah, your friend’s shitty opinion comes from a place of insecurity and prejudice. Unfortunately, it’s fairly common with women, gay or straight. (Lesbian women who don’t fuck with bisexual women, and straight women who don’t fuck with bisexual men.) I’ve dealt with this kind of biphobia, and it sucks. The fancy fuck concept underlying this type of behavior is known as the androcentric desire hypothesis, which posits that people generally perceive bisexuals (male or female) as being more sexually attracted to men than they are to women. It’s an unfair and inaccurate perception, but of course, life ain’t fair.

Is it wrong to fuck other people to get over someone. My ex believes it makes me ‘not a nice girl’ if I have sex with someone else within a month of my relationship ending. Even though he left me out of nowhere.
Rebound sex is only wrong when you’re not emotionally honest with your new partner. They deserve to know that you’re emotionally unavailable. As for your ex, he sounds like a controlling piece of shit, and you should learn how to tell him to shut the fuck up and back up off your dick.

Are you over Sam Harris yet?
Getting there. Haven’t been able to listen to his podcast for a while.


77 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. flblbl says:

    Also, plot twist : bisexual and lesbian aren’t incompatible identities. At all.
    (isn’t the androcentric desire thing just because, well, our societies at large are androcentric ? sometimes it feels like the only “reasonable” thing to desire is vanilla dick because that’s the only thing straight men can fathom)

        • Gluten Free Toaster Waffles says:

          I think it’s supposed to mean that your statement makes it sound like a single person can think of themselves as both bisexual and lesbian, which sounds obviously ridiculous.

          • flblbl says:

            haha that’s exactly what I said ! none of the letters in the funky acronym are mutually exclusive (despite what the most rabid of gatekeepers might say). I will stand none of that Gold Star Gay / Lesbian nonsense.

          • Gluten Free Toaster Waffles says:

            It is ridiculous, though. There are some identities where you can have more than one, but along the gender axis, you pick one, along the sexuality axis, you pick one.

            Saying you’re bisexual and gay is like saying “I’m attracted to men and women and men”. It’s redundant. People will just think you’re stupid.

          • flblbl says:

            Except gender and sexual identities aren’t just boxes to check. Identities like man, woman, gay or lesbian have a strong social and cultural aspect to them. Whereas, gender nonconforming identities typically don’t in the west. Same for bisexuality. Lots of bisexual people are fully integrated as gays or lesbians in those respective communities, and take pride in both identities (the same way you can be non-binary *and* a man/a woman). If you don’t know of those people, maybe that’s because you’ve shown yourself to be the kind of person they would never mention it with.

          • Gluten Free Toaster Waffles says:

            Well there’s a gut punch, you hurt my feelings.

            … I say sarcastically.

            If you’re bi, going to a gay club and saying you’re gay doesn’t make you gay, you’re still bi. You can have your feet in multiple communities, but at the root of it, you’re not gay and bi, you’re bi.

          • wrkrb says:

            As a bi woman I have never felt accepted in gay communities. I have had women who publicly state that they’re gay privately tell me that they’re bi. The rejection from lesbians has always felt like being called dirty and the shame I’ve observed in closeted bisexuals who hang with hard gay communities makes me think I’m not the only one whofeels that way.

        • Strangely Rational says:

          The full expression is, “What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?” Translation: “How is this relevant?”

          Seems relevant to me, though.

    • lake burrito says:

      Is what you mean that sexuality can shift over time? There can be periods when one is only attracted to women, periods when one finds oneself attracted to men and women, etc.? If so, I agree. I think sexuality can fluctuate and shift over time. It’s not linear and it’s not rigid.

      A lot of it can be painful, horrific, and/or confusing, so I wish people were more accepting of the changing nature of sexual orientation. Right now, I feel like we’re in the “classical physics” period of sexuality (i.e., we’re treat all occurrences of sexual orientation as distinct points or particles) and I look forward to when we shall move towards the quantum model and embrace the dual wave/particle nature of sexuality.

    • Hi CQ says:

      You’re in the minority on this one. I’d be okay with that if you weren’t misinforming other people and erasing the real meaning of these labels. It’s not solely a matter of how you feel or whether you vibe with both words and both communities. These identities don’t exist in a political void, and claiming that lesbianism extends to attraction to male-identifying people is offensive to many within a wider context of homophobia and violence.
      Edit: @flblbl

        • Sixpence says:

          What makes you think that’s a TERF? The commentor said “male-identified” meaning people who claim the male identity and then call themselves lesbians. That’s a trans-inclusive limit on the lesbian identity.

          Moreover I think HI-CQ’s comment is illustrative of a dimension of lesbian experience that is additionally a critique of Rubin’s thesis. One of the reasons some lesbians identify as such is because they have political reasons for claiming female-exclusive sexual, romantic, and partnering preferences. Rubin and Matsick’s thesis doesn’t account for the ways in which “desire” is never exclusively sexual—it is always also political.

          Compulsory heterosexuality is compulsory because of the power that a patriarchal system exerts—power is shared among men, women must relinquish access to this power in order to partner with other women.

          I think it’s naïve to believe in a Kinsey scale conception of sexual desire. Sexual attraction is unpredictable across genders. What is still certain is that power is concentrated in the hands of men.

          Some might say that a lesbian is a lesbian because she knowingly forfeits that power, not necessarily because she has never been/could never be attracted to a hypothetical man.

          • flblbl says:

            i agree with most of what you said… and most of it is part of my point… you misread HI CQ’s comment big time I think

        • HI CQ says:

          How does that definition make me a TERF? Is this some ‘to be a feminist is to be a vegan’ shit or is there an underlying meaning to this particular argument.

          • flblbl says:

            we don’t have a term for Bi Exclusionary Radical Feminists, and BERF sounds too much like barf. so i made an internet reference instead.

  2. Camille says:

    Used the pullout method for 8 years. Tried birth control a few times, bled constantly for months. No thanks. Had other boyfriends straight cum in me for 6 years. Never got pregnant, was convinced I was infertile. Hit age 31, got pregnant, had an abortion. Was a little more cautious but got pregnant the next year again, almost to the exact day. Had the baby this time out of guilt. Track your fertility, have them pull out, use condoms or skip sex on fertile days, definitely use Plan B, or pray really hard you live in a state that isn’t trying to limit your access to abortions. Good luck.

      • Lake Burrito says:

        Almost every woman I know who has had the Paraguard has hated it. It’s bigger, more painful to insert, and it generally leads to more cramps and other side effects compared to the hormonal IUDs. I had awful responses to hormonal birth control pills (I’ve tried at least four or five different types at this point), but absolutely love my hormonal IUD. I would recommend at least checking out a Mirina (lasts 5 years), a Liletta (lasts 5 years), or a Skyla (lasts 3 years). The insertion process takes less than 10 seconds for each of them, and it’s slightly painful, but super fast, and they can be taken out at any time. I love having the Skyla.

        • KittyNinja says:

          Yep, I am pretty hormonally sensitive myself, and I would put up with the pain of reinsertion of Mirina to trust that I will not get pregnant. It’s also low dosage and localized, so you’re not flooding your entire body with wonky hormones like the pill or older IUDs.

          Have a close friend take you home, definitely take the highest dose of ibuprofen before, know that it will hurt but know that you got blankets and a dear friend/partner/family member to feed you soup and candy.

        • Michaela says:

          Personally I’ve had Paraguard for 3+ years and I’m all about it. I works for me. I didn’t find the insertion painful. I do have worse cramps for 1-2 days each cycle and substantially heavier periods. Personally I find these side effects tolerable and adaptable to my lifestyle. I also know several people who’ve had opposite reactions. The reality is birth control is an incredibly subjective and variable experience. I’ve you’re wary of further medical interventions, there are tools you can use for fertility tracking, and side from apps, I’ve also heard people really like Cycle Beads – I’ve never used them myself though. Good luck!

          • Person says:

            same I’ve had paraguard for 3 years and love it. I had some cramps but it was no big deal. I thought it was weird that neither the asker nor coke mention IUDs.

        • wrkrb says:

          ♡ my Paragard got inserted in 2007 and hasn’t given me any problems, getting it taken out next year and plan to have it framed.

          • WrkrB says:

            There was a horrible wind storm going on outside the Planned Parenthood. The worst part was having my uterus measured before they put the IUD in, I have a stamped card that stating 12 years before it needs to be removed.

    • julezyme says:

      I’ve had the copper IUD for ten years. Hurt like a bitch for the first few days, very heavy periods for the first six months, but then it settled back to normal by the end of year one. That seems like a long time, but not compared to the other nine years of not worrying about getting pregnant!

    • Lit says:

      Because he’s become an obtuse middle aged self proclaimed centrist that serves progressives only as a way to anticipate the next deceptive pseudo liberal alt right taking point.
      I still kind of like him but I disagree with what he stands for and who he stands with right now.

      • as7 says:

        What is wrong with being a centrist? I feel obligated to defend Sam Harris. He’s one of the most intelligent minds of our time and is undeniably rational and articulate in his arguments, regardless of his political leanings. It’s refreshing to hear him work through ideas with as little bias as possible, especially in this day and age. It seems like he doesn’t seek to conform to any political ideology, but rather searches for the truth, as objectively as possible.

        I’m also not sure what you mean by “serves progressives only as a way to anticipate the next deceptive pseudo liberal alt right taking point (talking point?)”. Maybe I haven’t witnessed what you’re talking about.

        • pwinks says:

          Sigh. “[O]bjectively as possible,” “undeniably rational,” “as little bias as possible”–these are all meaningless platitudes that obscure reality. *Everyone* approaches *everything* with bias and subjectivity. All art is political. Every editorial decision in a news article reveals some kind of bias–what context do you leave out? What’s the strength and connotation of modifiers used? Radical centrism is a shibboleth for mediocre white men who used to think “The Fountainhead” was great but no longer do, without being able to articulate why.

        • Sixpence says:

          Sam Harris is NOT one of the most brilliant minds of our time. Philosophers laugh at him for claiming the discipline. He has a rough understanding of cognitive science. He is irresponsible with his assertions of “truth” as if this weren’t a constantly contested category.

          Sam Harris is a joke that inserted a few edgy concepts from Daniel Dennet, re-worded and abused them so that Barnes and Noble shoppers would be able to understand, and has not yet made an original contribution to any of his fields.

          Serious people do not read Harris. If you’re interested in his ideas, read Dennet. Dennet is wrong, but he’s interesting and very intelligent. Harris just knows how to market himself.

        • Gluten Free Toaster Waffles says:

          Being a “centrist” almost seems like a fetish. If it means “choosing positions based on what makes sense”, everyone should be a centrist. If it means “making fun of every side irrespective of truth value”, or “pretending there exists some theoretical middle ground that would be a compromise so that people stop arguing”, it’s lazy. If it’s “pretending there exists some theoretical middle ground that I’m enlightened enough to know about, but will withhold from the unworthy”, you’re an obnoxious asshole.

      • Chris says:

        I only found Harris recently, and at first thought he was Ben Shapiro (had never listened to either at that point; it was audio only, and a very good critique on then-candidate Trump).

        Hearing Harris’ response to the Kavanaugh hearings, I like the guy. But I’ve only read 1 book and heard a few hours of his stuff.

    • Person says:

      I feel the same way Coke does and I know at least one person who is a former fan. I still like listening to most of his podcasts, but he really lost me when he said that James Damore’s memo was ‘scientific’. Like if you think that shit was scientific you don’t know what science is. Was also kinda creeped out by how many of his fans audibly supported this assessment at the live show. Also kind of annoyed by how he goes on and on about “we should take AI more seriously” but never gives any specific examples for how we should start doing that.

          • Chris says:

            His use of technical sociological terms like “neurotic” was done correctly, but I didn’t read the whole memo. Also, I wouldn’t really recognize hard science from science fiction in many cases.

            Or Soc Sci in many cases. My wife, who has 2 degrees in the subject, was the one who told me that neurotic isn’t an insult in the way he used it.

          • flblbl says:

            well,,, how can i put it ?
            even if we go there, the only “hard science” this dude knew jackshit about was IT, and his memo was very much not about that at all. that’s the problem with tech bros ; they have very narrow knowledge in their field, and they don’t even care about learning about different fields, even the ones that should be crucial to them (i.e. every other science, including social sciences). they will absolutely have a strong opinion about every single one of those tho.
            the myth of science hardness is one of the tools used to produce such people. i had to sit in classrooms full of people with a similar mentality for 6 years. can’t say i didn’t drink the kool aid myself, but every science course has had at least one guy that was very much like him, and he wasn’t the most loved. :/

  3. as7 says:

    I dated a bisexual man for a few months. I was admittedly taken aback when I found out he was bi, even though I’m bi myself. How strange is that? I had a bit of a natural aversion to it, even though my beliefs told me not to. I dated him anyway, and he ended up cheating on me with is best friend (who’s a dude). I know it’s bad to let that affect my perception of bi guys going forward, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me more cautious.

    • julezyme says:

      I hear you, but look at the converse – if the straight guy you dated cheated on you with your female friend, it might make you more cautious about dating men in general, but would it drive you into the arms of a bi guy? 😉

    • Barefootsie says:

      Studies have shown time and again that sexual orientation does not indicate a greater chance of someone cheating on another. That’s a character thing, and being bi like we both are, we have to fight the internalized notions of the stereotypes that people try to slap onto our orientation. Don’t let it stick just because one bi guy you dated was a douchenozzle – him being bi had nothing to do with his commitment choices.

  4. Gaybeard says:

    Re: Sam Harris – thank Christ! He has been your most glaring and weird blind spot for years.

    He’s always been a smug pseudo-intellectual dipshit with fuck-all to contribute to the political discourse.

    • Sixpence says:

      The most telling piece of Sam Harris’ chicanery is the way he claims to be simultaneously a cognitive scientist, a philosopher, and a political scientist.

      Everyone should be wary of people who are more focused on fame than their own questions. The guy has always been a joke who intended to be a “public intellectual”

      “Public intellectuals” should always make you suspicious.

  5. Sarah says:

    I’m glad you’re almost over Harris. I’m sure he has some valuable ideas, but they don’t seem to be exclusive to him. You can get religion-less spirituality from so many other better sources, without all the weird scientific racism which at this point is beyond irresponsible.

  6. Sel says:

    #7: your lesbian friend is also a sexist. I’d bet money that she believes that women are made lesser by having sex with men, the same way your shitty local preacher believes it.

    That or she knows she’s a lousy fuck.

  7. wrkrb says:

    I think “they’re going to take away our birth control” is just the other side of “they’re going to take away our guns” and that both sentiments stimulate irrational reactivity that stokes the infighting in American binary identity land.

    • Spencer says:

      Asinine binary you’ve crafted for yourself here. One is an instrument of destruction and means of protection, the other is the first step to women’s access to education in developing countries. If you remove birth control (which you could do, easily) you remove minority women from voting booths and workplaces.

      “They’re going to take my guns” is a slippery slope that misunderstands a call for increased regulation of guns. “They’re going to take away my birth control” is a reasoned response to the President publicly advocating for abstinence only education, Brett Kavanaugh’s comments on Roe v. Wade not being the final law of the land, and the Vice President holding some insane Evangelical ideas. This administration has the power and precedent to do so.

      • Wrkrb says:

        Your emotional reactivity proves the point.

        The issues of abortion and gun control routinely upstage other issues that impact American lives. Achieving solidarity means focusing on shared priorities instead of demonizing one another over disagreements.

        I’m prochoice and proguncontrol but more importantly I’m proSAFEDRINKINGWATER and proMONEYOUTOFPOLITICS and when I find allies who disagree with me on the first two issues I don’t shut them down or turn them away. Machinations of the legislative body aside, we get to determine culture as people and contribute to whatever kind of scene we want. These old ingroups make us all less safe so yes, I will point out that these issues are emotional triggers that block effective action on other fronts.

      • wrkrb says:

        I agree with your point that abortion is under realistic threat while the threat to gun ownership is a fantasy but I disagree when you assert that my uterus isn’t an instrument of destruction and means of protection, many panties prove the former but I haven’t done the pregnancy test for the latter.

  8. No mo says:

    For the girl who hates birth control you should really try Natural cycles. Non-hormonal, 93% effective, and just requires you take tour temperature every morning and pee on a stick sometimes! Also helps you stay in tune with your cycle. Saved me from 10+ years of birth control side effects. It’s an app you can download.

    • jane says:

      just as long as she understands that “pee on a stick” means “may have to make a choice about an abortion.” fertility awareness-based methods are not particularly reliable. they are 76-88% effective; 12-24 out of 100 couples who use a fertility awarness method will get pregnant each year.

  9. t. says:

    looking forward to the day i check dear coquette and don’t have to read the phrase “trump’s mushroom cock” for the 100th time

  10. Light37 says:

    Your ex’s opinion has no standing, especially since he broke up with you. Do what you want as long as you’re comfortable and enthused about it, whether that’s celibacy or orgies.

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