Fun-Sized Advice

On the new normal

I miss you and I love you.
Honestly, I miss you too.

*screams dear coke talk into the void*
I hear you.

No question, just a message: its been a hot minute since we’ve heard from you. I imagine you living, observing, and absorbing. Thanks for reminding me to do the same, be it through your silence. Much Love.
I keep saying that the silence won’t be permanent, and I mean it. I still read almost all of your submissions, and the day will eventually come when I can regularly post more answers. In the meantime, if you have a quick question for me, you’re 99% more likely to get a quick response if you hit me up on Twitter. My handle is @coketweet, and I prefer direct tweets over DMs. Much love!

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36 thoughts on “On the new normal

  1. Jessica Sen says:

    Coke, my family is staying at my sister’s boyfriend’s dad’s girlfriend’s house in Canada. My sister is getting proposed to under the enforced monogamy rule and I’m very worried but I’m enabling the process. Because I have jet lag and everyone is asleep, I’m up writing. I am desperately trying to look for some coffee and only found an opened decaf tin. I also found an unopened normal coffee tin. Is it rude if I open the unopened normal coffee tin? What do I do? I don’t know who else to ask but you. Please answer this within 45 minutes. There is no Starbucks near me. This lady who owns the house is a very nice Christian lady. Last night when we got in from the airport, my sister’s boyfriend’s dad told us that his girlfriend is in The Church Council Committee. She says she’s probably going to heaven and I’d like to think that I am too but I also have my doubts. Her husband says that he will go along up and say “I’m with her”. I said “But what if god’s like that’s not Hillary Clinton” and already I have offended them so should I just go ahead and open the coffee tin?

    • Chris says:

      Dude, I can’t believe I missed this. How did it wind up?

      Had I have answered:
      (1) Yes, open the coffee, and then clean up.
      (2) What is the “enforced monogamy rule”? The term enforced monogamy means that a culture rewards long-term, stable 2-person relationships. I think I said this in another post, but the example I use is: My cousin told everyone she and her boyfriend got an apartment, and that instead of a registry they’d just accept money. No one gave her anything, because that’s not a thing – getting cash for shacking up with some dude you like. However, if she’d have sent out wedding invites, I’d have gone to the party, given her $500, and remembered the day fondly.
      That’s enforced monogamy.
      (3) The odds are greatly stacked against there being a Heaven.
      (4) He can still be ‘with her’ even if she’s not Hillary Clinton.

      • Fffffffuuuuuuuuuuucccckkkk says:

        Dude, I hope you don’t think any of that post was real or had anything to do with real life.

        • Chris says:

          How dare you! Coquette’s roommate is in a situation regarding coffee, and needs some advice about her friend who may or may not be marrying Hillary Clinton. Here I am, like a hero, saving the day, and all you can do is try to tell me what is real.

          To quote a not-awful episode of South Park: “that girl had fourteen abortions, an’ she ain’t even ten yet. But I guess that’s just not real to you!”

          [it’s from the episode where the kids create their own wrestling league]

          • FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK says:

            Oh, I’m completely aware of the episode. Matter of fact, it was one of Coke’s and my favorites when we lived together in her earlier L.A. days. Every time the coach said “wrassling” Coke and I would take turns blowing rails off one another’s pubic bones.

          • Jessica Sen says:

            And then Coke brought your infant child to the match and thrashed you so thoroughly that your child disowned you with its own language. You went home crying and realised that you hadn’t any furniture to burn. In your rage you called your husband whose name you’d forgotten because he didn’t own any visible pubic bones. You went for chicken and that was fine until the next day when you woke up with hypothermia due to global warming. You were in a bleeding hell as the hospital only stocked pills filled with MRSA. After that episode you left and went for another match in which you faced off with me. Nothing bad happened. I was nice as hell. Everything was okay.

      • Jessica Sen says:

        I did, politely explained at breakfast, and endured a couple of passive aggressive comments. People whose entire culture is defined by being nice tend to depend on being passive aggressive to maintain the facade. Not a fan of Canada, as odd as it is to say. In a place that is highly likeable in which people value likeability as a personality trait, I’m a bored ghost. I prefer aggressive to passive aggressive, but really I’m most at home when people are politely or rudely direct, depending on the situation.

        Passive aggressive makes my skin crawl. It’s creepy as hell, and performed in a household which projects the warm gooey sweetness of stevia, it makes me feel like a dog among humans, the only one able to hear the alarming pitch of someone else’s anger.

        I’m definitely a junkie. But I have hope in neuroplasticity. I’m curious as to what you think I’m a junkie for.

        • whoami says:

          honestly I was just thinking about coffee when I talked about being a junkie iessica ! i don’t play those guessing games 🙂

          (PS : can you tell me why i changed my nick here oh my god)

  2. Jen says:

    Was having an anxious moment and decided to check in here and…voila! I felt like I got a hug. Thank you for saying hi and sending love.

  3. Barefootsie says:

    Hi Coq! For some reason even though I have a Google Alert set up for this website, I didn’t get anything until I just happened to check today. Anyway. Love to you. 🙂

  4. Jessica Sen says:

    Yesterday, I went to the pub near my house. I’ve been going twice a week lately, for a pint, and to be with people. Even if I’m writing in my little corner, it is comforting to hear bits of people talking. Singapore is welcoming to expats, so there were people from Italy, Australia and England there along with locals. A markedly handsome Italian man flashed me a shy smile before he left, which was just about all the flirting I could handle. A pronouncably drunk woman, butchering the English language, left very suddenly in the middle of our conversation, leaving me with a half bottle of red wine. It was nasty. I ended the evening with two men, from New Zealand and Australia, both teachers. The New Zealander reminded me of a late-preschooler, childish and in need of comforting, which I did not provide. The Aussie spoke of nuts long as a dinner table falling on treefellers in the Amazon, and that a cubic meter of a four hundred year tree cost $20,000. These blocks of wood were for now, shipped to clubs and luxury yachts for paneling. The villagers are eager to help, he explained, as cleared forestry sustains them with agriculture. The real heroes were those dodging the big nuts, risking their lives on the frontline, he further explained, in contrast to “those who sit around imposing their views on others”. I said that I was sure grateful for paper, a good that is my favorite way to spend my money. I wished them luck and walked home slowly and thoughtfully. I do enjoy people, though their company never becomes my culture!

    • Chris says:

      I read this, and cannot get that time back.

      I wrote this, and cannot get that time back.

      We are nothing.

      Nothing is everything.

      Time wasted is all there is.

  5. Barefootsie says:

    Jessica, we’ve never met, but I do wanna say that I enjoy reading your stories. This one has a big smack of truth to it, from my experience traveling in far-flung places. Hope all is well in your patch of the world.

          • valerian says:

            Yeah, no. She ain’t coming back though. Which is a real shame. I just hope she’s doing well.

          • Barefootsie says:

            I have every faith she is coming back. She hasn’t really given us any reason to not take her at her word. I have the distinct feeling she has enough on her plate that she just can’t devote hours of free emotional labor to strangers on the internet when other parts of her life and her self need her. In the meantime, there’s always the “random” button if we want to go back and look at some of the best series-of-tubes free advice given in the past decade.

            Take care of you, Coq.

          • Sally Rider says:

            She ain’t coming back. This road ended with her book that wasn’t much of a seller

  6. Valerian says:

    Nah, I know we’re not entitled to have her around and she’s busy as fuck. Just feel kind of lost without her though. Then again I have no life whatsoever, so.

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