Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

We’ve been dating three years, his parents paid for us to go on a $10000 cruise, we’ve talked about marriage, kids, and our future. He won’t take care of his mental or physical health (something we talk about regularly), and when he offered to co-sign my student loans, this pit of fear being chained to this man suddenly emerged. This fissure’s occurred and now I find him annoying, whinny, and recoil from his touch instinctively. What do I do?
Talk to him. Tell him he’s annoying and whiny. Tell him you’re losing interest. Tell him he has to get his mental and physical shit together by Halloween or you’ll be gone before Thanksgiving. It’s ultimatum time. Or maybe not. Maybe you’re already done and it’s just time to fucking end it. Whatever you do, tell him how you feel. Use your words. USE. YOUR. WORDS.

What do you think about Camille Paglia? Specifically, what do you think of a) her argument that America’s current obsession with transgenderism is a sign of cultural collapse; and b) her critique of current trends in feminism as “fainting couch” feminism? Surely, she is not one of the right wing lunatics that you’re critiquing – is she?
Yes, she is. Camille Paglia is absolutely without a doubt a gigantic right wing asshole. Are you not paying attention? That’s her entire schtick. Maybe you’re distracted by the fact that she’s an academic, but don’t let the tenured professorship fool you. She may have the vocabulary of a critical theorist, but her critiques of transgenderism and contemporary feminism are more the stuff of Alex Jones than Simone de Beauvoir.

I am envious of my best friend. She has everything I want: a good career, several friends, a cute butt, confidence, intelligence. It has gotten so bad that I actually get so happy when something unfortunate happens to her. What am I supposed to do about this?
Keep the small portion of envy that drives you towards positive change. Jettison the rest, because it is poison. Easier said than done, I know, but few people get intelligence, even fewer get a cute butt, and you don’t need either to be happy. Most importantly, quit using your friend as a measuring stick. Go do your own thing.

I’ve had penetrative vaginal sex with a few people, and it’s always been painful and horrible as fuck. No amount of lube helps me. Do I need to stick it out and hope sex gets better, or are there other people out there like me who want to have mind blowing awesome sex but their vaginas just won’t cooperate?
Yeah, it sounds like you’ve got vaginismus. Go to the doctor.

Met a hot guy. I flirted, he was (for me, anyway) unusually unresponsive. Said he had a girlfriend when I asked for his number. Gave me his number anyway. Why?
Um, why do you think?

Is it ever a good idea to forgive your dad for calling you a bitch?
Absolutely, but the forgiveness is for your sake, not his.

You only answer the easy questions people ask you about politics. Anything that requires further analysis or depth you shy away from.
Ha! Whatever, Ben Shapiro. The assumption that you’re somehow challenging me with deep political questions reeks of a smug sense of entitlement. I’m not here to debate you. If you want to argue politics, catch me in a mood over on Twitter. Otherwise, come at me in good faith (I can tell the difference) and frame your questions in such a manner that doesn’t presume to know my position ahead of time.

I wanna ask you for advice but I have a long story.
If you’re the long story type, I highly recommend including your email with your submission. I’m much more like to respond to you privately than I am to publish your memoir on my site.

You’re bisexual yeah? Will you marry me?
Yeah, maybe. Send pics.


40 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Chris says:

    I disagree with the idea that intelligence is a fixed trait that someone can’t cultivate. That’s not say I think it’s an easy thing to do, but I’m surprised to see you feel that way.

  2. Saturn says:

    Coke, at what point does gender identity become ridiculous? Where do we draw the line or do you believe there shouldn’t be a line?
    I have no issue with m2f trans or vice versa (though I do think you need to be thoroughly screened for mental illness beforehand), but anything beyond that – made up pronouns, identifying as mythical creatures etc, is ridiculous, surely?

    • The Coquette says:

      1. All pronouns are made up.
      2. Don’t conflate gender identity with other kinds of identity.
      3. Your line about being “thoroughly screened for mental illness” is evidence of some pretty shitty thinking about gender dysphoria.

      • Saturn says:

        1. Pronouns are made up, does that mean we should encourage a create-your-own-pronoun culture? He/she/they/where is the limit? You’re inviting chaos and enabling problematic behaviour otherwise.
        2. OK so some pronouns have nothing to do with gender identity. Which ones? What is the mentality behind an ‘elfkin’ or ‘angelkin’ person and are you a bigot if you don’t buy it?
        3. The number of detransitions and suicide rates in trans people for me raises alarm bells.

        • Alex says:

          Do you think the suicide rate in the trans community has more to do with the fact that they’re trans or how they are treated by the cis community?

          • flblbl says:

            because trans people are one of the most marginalised groups in the US, Sherlock. drop your abacus and look at the world around you for a hot minute.

          • Chris says:

            Can you provide a link to reliable data on the actual rates? Not the reasons, but the real numbers.

            As I learn about the community, I’m finding there’s more I need to know.

        • RocketGrunt says:

          Language constantly changes. “You” used to be the plural of “thee”. If you can’t even handle someone wanting to be referred to as “them/they,” the problem is on your end.

          • Chris says:

            @Saturn: I’m not too keen on using a plural pronoun for an individual, but also don’t find it to be an issue I’m dealing with either. After all, the person’s name is “Helen,” and I don’t use 2nd person language about Helen when we talk.

          • Gluten Free Toaster Waffles says:


            The history of “they” as a singular pronoun for someone unknown of indeterminate gender actually goes back to 1415 (+-5 years), in an English book published by William Caxton. It’s a good example, because as a publisher, Caxton would have had some obligation to be accurate. There’s also a good corpus of it in the transcriptions of the English parliament, it’s been pretty well continuously in speech for the parliamentarians. In about the 17th century, it started to be frowned upon by the new grammarians. I don’t have a quote in front of me, but their logic is that since women weren’t complete persons once married, “he” should do the trick for an indeterminate person, no need for this “they” nonsense.

          • Chris says:

            Wow, Waffles, thanks for that. I appreciate it.

            They always seems inaccurate for a lone person, but in terms of just not knowing, it makes sense.

        • Alex says:

          Which groups? There may be important differences between the trans community and other marginalized groups. Discrimination is still legal most places. Are they more likely to be rejected by family and peers than other marginalized groups? What do homeless rates look like between trans groups and other marginalized groups?
          There is obviously a correlation between being trans and suicide, but it’s a pretty strong jump to apply causation.

          • Chris says:

            Good points. Obviously, on the way to transition, there must be a lot of anxiety. And if an irreversible change was later felt to be a mistake, that would absolutely devastating, I imagine.

            Dan Savage talked about that – how gay men in his circle felt they should have been born female when they were young, but later realized it was just that they liked very particular things (men) that are associated with what women want.

        • Sarah says:

          While it wouldn’t solve *everything*, I think it would be great if we just stopped encoding gender in pronouns, which would avoid the possibility of needing dozens of pronouns for every gender. There’s other languages that don’t encode it either (Mandarin for example), and I think it’s reasonable to question why gender is so important that you need to do that in so many languages in the first place.

          It’s even worse in languages where plural pronouns are gendered, and when there’s a single man in a group of women, the group needs to be referred by the masculine plural pronoun.

        • Gluten Free Toaster Waffles says:

          #3 is incredibly rare. As for the suicide rate – it can’t be compared to other marginalized groups. Black people are marginalized, but their problem isn’t with people recognizing their identity, it’s how they are treated. With trans people, having the world not recognize the person you are, and talk about you as mentally ill, that’s depressing.

          • flblbl says:

            on top of that, trans people (even baby trans ppl) are more often than not extremely aware of how badly their community gets treated, and probably all have dozens of stories of fellow trans ppl who had to suffer through hell just because they were trans.
            trans people are a prime target of petty murder, and of rape (knowing you will meet one of those things in your life for sure doesn’t bring happy thoughts). of blackmailing, harassment, and doxxing too. and guess what ? people in precarious living conditions (e.g. in small, oppressed minorities) are even more likely to kill themselves under such pressures.

            it also explains the recent wave of “transtrenders” (those don’t actually exist) and “trans-turned-back-to-cis” stories in the media. trans people start to get more visible, reactionaries and other nazis push back, trans people are way more scared to live their life fully, which in turn doesn’t make transitioning “worth it” to them. it’s called a backlash, we had the same shit happen with the AIDS crisis and shit, let’s not be uninformed readers and believe in a societal ill fully fabricated by a bunch of old white dudes obsessed with trans girls’ dicks, please. trans people don’t kill themselves because they’ve been taking T for 2 months to then realise it’s not for them ; get a grip, Heteros.

          • Chris says:

            @FLBLBL, I’ve read about this, but find it so contrary to my experiences with LGBTQ friends, which started in 2000 when a buddy of mine brought a guy to prom. Near my house (in a VERY red NY county) there is a Pride Teen Night at a coffee shop, and it’s very popular. A kid I know went to it, and said it was a decent time with plenty of people – all being dropped off by their hetero parents.

            Thankfully, things are changing, because the community is so small, and needs acceptance and support.

      • UltraViolence says:

        But gender identity IS different than other forms of identity, because everyone has some conception of their gender, and to most people these alternative conceptions of gender seem ridiculous and excessively complicated.

        Also, you didn’t answer the question! That betrays your entire problem! You don’t answer direct questions – you beat around the bush and give insulting answers so no one questions your mastery of the subject matter. At this point, I’d be SHOCKED to discover that you’re NOT a Russian troll.

        America doesn’t need another brainwashed extremist shouting rhetoric into an echo chamber. We need people capable and willing to engage in intelligent and nuanced debate, otherwise we’re just going to wind up electing different iterations of Donald Trump for eternity. If you’re not up to that task, then stop now.

        • Chris says:

          AN ANECDOTE:

          As a little boy I preferred She-Ra over He-Man, and had a Rainbow Bright doll. My favorite after-school club was Cookie & Candy Making, and my career goal was to stay home with the kids, and be a poet. While I chose to play football, baseball and hockey, I regretted not taking ballet, so in college took 2 semesters, and even performed in a professional production of The Nutcracker for a weekend.

          And during that time – as a girl-toy-playing, candy-making, ballet dancing, aspiring Mister Mom – if someone ever would have asked if I thought I was a girl trapped in a boy’s body, the answer would have been no.

          You may ask, ‘was that even a known thing then?’ Yes, daytime talk shows like Sally Jesse Raphael, which I watched, had trans guests. Some were talking about the transition, others confessed to BFs that they were actually men (but still the same person they fell in love with), and more.

          • flblbl says:

            I commend you for trying to explain the difference between gender identity and gender performativity to someone who gets a migraine imagining more than 3 pronouns. and doing it well tbh.

          • Chris says:

            Thanks. I’m not sure I know the difference. I just know that while I eat breakfast this month I’m really enjoying Chopin’s Spring Waltz (try it; it’s really great).

            But I don’t dress in women’s clothing or exhibit feminine characteristics. I’m just a dude who could handle Barbie Dolls without ripping their legs off, though they did often have karate fights.

          • flblbl says:

            i think you do 🙂 it’s hard to explain in full detail (and painful to read probably). to put it simply : the gender you identify with doesn’t predicate how you end up expressing it whatsoever. same with your sexuality. the only people who will insist otherwise again and again think they know you better than yourself. that distinction is also why the arbitrary gendering of objects, activities and behaviours is double bullshit.

  3. Esme says:

    Feel compelled to state that forgiveness does not mean that you don’t seriously limit your contact with a person who does you harm. People that harm others love to define the virtue of forgiveness as a pass for indefinite access to their victims. It ain’t that.

      • Esme says:

        I knew CQ had addressed this, and this is the short answers, but leaving it without a post script made me twitchy so I endulged myself. I hope someday our society is at a place where it can be said too much.

  4. Okay now I’m daydreaming about competing in a Rock of Love style dating show in which a bunch of bisexual girls vie for CQ’s affection. Where do I sign up?? Where should I send my nudes for consideration?

  5. Gluten Free Toaster Waffles says:

    This is basically why I hate the internet, as a trans person. It’s hard to accept that most people hate people like you. They think you’re disgusting and mentally disturbed. With the way people talk about trans people, is it any wonder that the attempted suicide rate is so high?

  6. Mae says:

    So “fainting couch feminism” is just a new package for the same old tired “snowflake”/”victim mentality” argument, with a side helping of the old relative privation fallacy by way of “US feminists should shut up about sexual harassment because there are starving children in India!”

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