Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Apatheia, ataraxia, or nirvana?
Fuck nirvana. Marry ataraxia. Kill apatheia.

You have control over anyone’s mind for one hour…who and what do you do?
I can’t answer this question explicitly without risking a visit from either the Secret Service or the FBI, but let’s just say that if I had one hypothetical, magical hour of mind control, then by late January of 2019, Donald Trump would be charged with five counts of murder, President Nancy Pelosi would be nominating three new Supreme Court Justices, and Mitch McConnell wouldn’t be around to get in her way.

Coketalk, everytime I go to my (good) mate’s places I end up in bed cuddling them for a good while. I never let it cross the line into something sexual, but the cuddles are intimate. Is this wrong? Should I stop?
You’re absolutely adorable. Good for you for recognizing that the cuddles are intimate. There’s nothing wrong with physical intimacy between friends, but you need to pay close attention to the ebb and flow of platonic and romantic emotions — both yours and your friend’s — so as to prevent any misunderstandings or potential boundary violations.

Why can’t I stop thinking about how my boyfriend once fucked his roommate?
Because it speaks to his character, and you don’t like what it says.

He has a polyamorous approach to relationships. I don’t, and probably won’t ever be. Am I wrong to ask him not to be poly if he’s with me?
You’re not wrong to ask, but you’re wrong if you think the relationship will last longer than six months.

How do you dirty talk? I can’t take myself seriously and don’t know what to say.
I answered this many years ago, but it bears repeating: Dirty talk consists entirely of describing whatever it is you are doing in the moment. Just narrate the action, but you gotta own that shit. Curl your lip. Say it with brass. Don’t think. Growl.

Are all cops bastards?
No, but the number of cops who aren’t bastards is essentially a rounding error.

Have you ever passed by a stranger in your new city and thought, “I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you on tinder.” Or whatever dating app, multiple dating apps you use.
Sure. It happens all the time. Hell, it used to happen in LA. (Then again, I used to do a lot of ecstasy, and that always made people seem familiar to me.)

I am going back to school to get a master’s degree to become a therapist. Should I be alarmed that so many of the other students in my program (also aspiring therapists) believe in “crystals” and talk about their healing properties?
You must be in California. Don’t worry. Those people tend to get weeded out on their way to licensure and end up as yoga instructors or life coaches.

Coke, are you still a raging bitch? I remember you said you’ve moved the party upstairs. You sound more of a calming presence than anything, to be honest.
I’ve always been a calming presence.

You’re a child playing grown up.
Thank you!


53 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Hanbanjo says:

    I feel like Seattle is such a small as fuck city. I feel like every time I go out I run into these people I see on Tinder and OKC.

  2. Gluten Free Toaster Waffles says:

    Now that hour of mind control sounds great. I’m assuming Gorsuch and Kavanaugh would be out, and RBG gets to retire. I also want to see Mitch McConnell cry.

    • Chris says:

      If it’s 5 counts, then the list is

      – 3 from the SC
      – 1 VP
      – 1 Mitch Mc

      RGB is on her own timeline because Pelosi is there for a term-ish.

  3. LMFT Supervisor says:

    Yessssssssss. I am a supervisor of therapists, and I work with so many therapists who are into crystals and Reiki. To me, it’s more about feeling powerless with difficult feelings/situations clients give us than the healing properties of these things. I try to use a yes, and… approach with them, but Coke is right… licensure supervision is a stringent gatekeeping process.

  4. Erika (@erikakt*******) says:

    “Donald Trump would be charged with five counts of murder,” …..

    Eerie. Does Coke know something that we don’t?

        • WrkrB says:

          I don’t understand why you throw your weight behind the democratic party and its establishment actors, you’re pretty consistent about it which I find troubling because it seems like you’ve either got a blind spot or some kind of vested interested. American solidarity depends on calling out corrupt and ineffective representatives regardless of which side of the aisle they sit on.

          • CQ says:

            Fuck your otherside-ism. I’m so sick of that shit. I call out bad actors wherever I see them. For instance, Keith Ellison is a piece of shit and should resign. Thing is, for every one Keith Ellison there are dozens and dozens of evil Republican fuck-sticks. Pull your head out of your ass and recognize that corruption and evil are mostly a problem of the Republican and right-wing establishment.

        • Gaybeard says:

          My best guess is this:

          1. Pence
          2. McConnell
          3. Kavanaugh
          4. Gorsuch
          5. Roberts

          First you start with the no-brainer of Pence because he’s next in the line of succession, followed quickly by McConnell as the arch-Machiavellian schemer and strategist behind the Republican Party. You said by January so you assume that Pelosi will become the Speaker of the House of Representatives, which means a Democratic victory in the Mid-terms.

          The next three I’m not so sure about because I’m Canadian and don’t know the SCOTUS as well, but I stuck with the youngest and least likely to die soon. I am also assuming you’re sticking with the principle of least harm since you’re not indulging in the pleasure of popping a cap in Ryan, and are making sure to keep your eyes on the prize of Democratic supermajority at all levels.

          Thomas and Alito are both pieces of shit but they’re also POC and likely to die sooner than the other three.

          How would it happen?

          I mean, you only have an hour and you want them all in the same place or hit simultaneously so they can’t get away. Other than that I don’t know how you’d do it because I’m not familiar with state occasions that bring together all of these people. All of this is assuming Trump is killing them personally. I’ll have to leave the how to others to guess.

          • Dr_Bambi says:

            Gaybeard, it would have to be at the 2019 state of the union, as everyone on your list would be there, as would tre45on. Method? Throwing axes? Poison? 2nd amendment?

          • Shiny says:

            I feel like it wouldn’t bee too hard to get that group onto a plane or a limo and have the Cheeto Bandito pull some stupid stunt that crashes it. It’d be so easy and look totally accidental.

  5. Synthia says:

    “corruption and evil are mostly a problem of the Republican and right-wing establishment.”????????????????????????????????????????????????
    Coke. My dearest. I want to believe this was a joke. But since it’s not, can I just say, your brain is addled. Read a little history (and not Hilary’s autobiography) before you talk about politics. This is getting embarrassing.

    • CQ says:

      Bitch, my library can beat up your library any day of the week, and we’re not talking history. We’re talking contemporary American politics. Right the fuck now. Today. Look the fuck around and tell me I’m wrong that the world would be a better place if every right-wing Republican operative up and vanished from the fucking earth.

      • KittyNinja says:

        I’m guessing the intention is for the system of corrupted fuckwads to balance out, creating a natural vacuum for more effective and honest leadership in the GOP. The scrambling to take those places and those that would likely fill them creating more openings could end poorly, but I’m betting many who want a better, more livable future will seek to fill those roles.

        I’ve been told I’m an idealist, but wutevs, ppl can eat ma shorts.

      • WrkrB says:

        I just think that Republican operatives are more overt and Democratic operatives are covert. There’s been plenty of D involvement in our buy outs with the corporatocracy. I live with a naiive hope that after the bizarre refusal to show his tax returns we might emerge from the nightmarish clownfuck of the present into an election cycle where candidates are microscopically scrutinized to see if they’re being paid to fuck us.

        • Gaybeard says:

          We’re all being paid to fuck each other. We agree to fuck each other because, despite that we know we’re fighting for the scraps at someone else’s table, we also know those scraps are the difference between life and death. We’re also just petty assholes who care more about our neighbour down the road showing us up than some billionaire we’ve never seen fucking us ten ways from Tuesday.

      • TRK says:

        I think two things are true at the same time.

        1. The Democrats have, with a few exceptions, let us down and done a poor job of accomplishing their ostensible goals, part of the reason being much of the party elite would prefer to stay at the top of the party food chain than risk that status or their wealth trying to truly redistribute power in a way that would make the world a better place; and

        2. This country, and the world, would be immeasurably better with the Democrats in charge rather than a psychotically reactionary Republican party which seems to legitimately hate more than half the country and is brought great joy by tormenting and abusing anyone that does not look or think like they do.

    • Moving Forward says:

      Nobody needs a library to know that republicans are the worst people alive right now. Fuck your dumbass attempt at a lecture. You’re embarrassing.

  6. flblbl says:

    it’s getting hard to tell leftists and whataboutist MAGA freaks apart from each other down here. yes, Democrats are just as corrupt as Republicans (on the structure level), and ethically have only fared way better because the republicans just,,, keep digging,,, towards nazism,,,
    but to be fair to them it’s as much a feature of how politics are organized in the country as much as it is because of their right-wing tendencies. they’re one of the only two “respected” parties because they comply to a set of written and unwritten rules, and vice versa.
    if anything, all those new heads we’re seeing there get a lot of heat for voicing pretty non-radical political views… but it’s just not what the party has complied with in the past ! how dare they not be doormats ! the Republicans are just mad because a bunch of socdems are using the Democratic party as a lever to punch them in the face when they’re being too visibly fascist (can you believe !).
    and even if they’re,,, really not great (to me), every inch they move the overton window towards the left is a victory in itself. not just for the US, but for the world population. next time Coquette writes some ESP fanfic just shut up and read, fucksake.

    • Moving Forward says:

      You don’t get drop a generalization like that and walk away smug.
      Fuck you.
      Show me any data at all that points to democrats or “leftists” systemically corrupting or even being corrupt more widely than “right” republicans. You’re full of shit.
      Bring receipts.

        • flblbl says:

          they meant “systemically”, i think (as in, relating to something that’s systemic, not systematic. different branch of sciences there). but maybe that’s too generous an assumption. they conflated democrats with the left and republicans with the right, after all.

  7. Gluten Free Toaster Waffles says:

    Here’s a question: Why do some people really think there’s always two sides, and they are somehow both to blame for something? Why is “the middle” (whatever that means) so attractive to some people?

    • Moving Forward says:

      The reason people think there is always two sides is because that’s how all the games are played when they are children. There are only winners and losers. The dumb ones grow up thinking that’s how everything works. When scarcity is embodied, only one person walks away with the discount tv on Black Friday.

      It’s also how the legal system works for the most part. You can only make one decision at a time. Even a class action suit is a group of people against another group of people. Each count of a crime is evaluated.

      Enforcing the framing of “sides” allows for clear “winners.” It’s easier to have laws, and establish authoritarianism.

      This is the core of western thinking that will destroy the earth.
      Problems aren’t just about have and have not. They can be about optimization.

      I recommend the movie and/or the book
      Manufacturing Consent : Noam Chomsky and Herman

  8. Becky says:

    I won’t condescend to a person who knows as much as or (likely) more about politics than I do, but I disagree with you on the DNC.

    The GOP is a caricature of fascist evil, and I am not going to say some dipshit nonsense like the DNC is just the saaaaaame–but the oligarchy clearly is the core reason for the popular support of the GOP, and in that capacity, the vast majority of the DNC is culpable.

    I really do think we need to get leftists in office and centrists out of office if we’re gonna get out of this whirlpool.

  9. wrkrb says:

    Cq wants us to be good little Americans and line up on our respective sides of the aisle for the upcoming elections. It pisses me off that you justify support for cookie cutter political affiliations by claiming that ‘Republicans are clearly the worst people on earth right now’. It pisses me off that you’ll say things like ‘eat the rich’ but fail to call out the Democratic party for its misappropriation of funds and its members for their self serving deals. I am not saying the parties are the same, not saying Democrats are worse, but I am saying that they’re both bad options and I don’t care if you write me off as self righteous because you’ve written a lot of your countrymen off as horrible people. For all the compassion and self care game that you talk it doesn’t translate into the way you talk about civic issues.

    • CQ says:

      You are the fucking problem. Your apathy is not interesting. Your perspective isn’t radical. It’s childish. YOU HAVE TO WORK THE SYSTEM THAT EXISTS. We can all hold our noses while we do it, but only an asshole thinks they’re a part of the solution by giving up.

      Yes, I really do want you to perform the bare minimum of your civic duty by voting. Pick a fucking side. You’re a piece of shit if you vote Republican, but at least you’re participating.

      • Chris says:

        My dad used to say: “If you want to change-a the rules, you have to play-a the game.”

        Both parties suck, but I always make sure to vote against Congressman Peter King. He’s an empty sack whose sole purpose is to push buttons 1 way and not the other.

        Also, showing up to vote is important if, for nothing else, to see the other little things that get put on there, like raising local sales tax (Never), placing an age limit on appointed judges (maybe), using protected land “that will later be replaced by other land” (where the fuck are these EXTRA acres? Use them then!).

  10. wrkrb says:

    Voting is a separate issue from affiliating oneself with an idelogical group that encourages them to make voting decisions based on what their group thinks is best. Cq calls me apathetic for caring about this and accuses me of not voting while slinging insults like Trump. Cq does not care about changing people’s political outlook because she justs uses politics to reassure her reading base that she’s “one of them.” Does she even have a political outlook?

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