Category Archives: Advice

Advice

On poor life decisions

Dear Coquette,

I have a friend who is suffering from a domestic dilemma, and it’s making me want to become completely unavailable to her. I’m not a bitch, so let me explain why.

A year and a half ago, after not hearing from her for about a month, she tells me she’s dating a new guy. They’re in love, they’re soul mates, and they don’t see why they shouldn’t get married. She’s a smart girl and had a decent career going, so I thought it would blow over. A few weeks later, she announced their engagement, and while I thought, “Oh hell no,” I didn’t warn her. I just said, “Congratulations!” I felt that it wasn’t my business to tell her what to do with her life.

A month after the marriage, she’s pregnant.

Fast forward to when the baby is four months old and she’s telling me she’s considering a divorce. Her husband is manipulative, jealous and really pathetic. She feels obliged to succumb to his every whim and want (e.g. she is made to feel guilty if she doesn’t have sex with him every single day). Every time she tries to voice her concerns and complaints, the talk ends with her feeling guilty — like it’s somehow all her fault. She says when things get heated, he screams and breaks things. She tells me he never hits her, but I don’t buy it.

About three weeks ago, she called me to say she told her husband she’s leaving him. He panicked and started treating her like a queen — predictable. I don’t hear from her for two weeks and today she says, “He and I are working things out.”

I’m sick of this, and her husband completely sickens me. (Luckily, they live in another state.) There is no doubt that he’s going to be a horrible father. (He already has been. He knocked up some other girl ages ago and has some daughter somewhere out there.) I never thought she’d be so weak. At this point, I don’t know what, if anything, to do. Thoughts?


If you’re sick of it, then end the friendship.

She’s an adult. She made her own choices. None of this is your fault or responsibility. Let your lives go their separate ways.

They live in another state, which pretty much means all you are is a long-distance shoulder to cry on. You’re part of her support network from a former life that she doesn’t want to admit is over now that she’s got a baby and an unhappy marriage.

You don’t have to support her. It doesn’t make you a bitch to let her know that you’re done dealing with her chaos. Her situation sucks, but it sure as hell isn’t your problem.

If it makes you feel any better, you can let her know that you’re not abandoning her. You can tell her if she ever leaves the bastard, you’ll help her as a friend to make positive steps in building a new life. She won’t appreciate the gesture, but it will make you feel less guilty.

On a more general note, people who make poor life decisions tend to make them over and over. Stuff constantly falls out of the sky when you’re around them, and if you’re not careful, eventually that stuff will start falling on you. It’s best to recognize the pattern and distance yourself from those people. If that means moving on from friendships, so be it.

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Advice

On your ex’s horny friends

Dear Coquette,

Cut to three months after a three-year-long heartfelt and soul-deep relationship ended. I’m on pretty good terms with the ex; we both still have residual feelings for each other but are keeping a little bit of distance (mostly my request as the ex-to-friends transition hurts like a bitch). That’s not the problem. The problem is that now his friends are trying to get at me.

I make no effort to seem even remotely available to these people. We’ve interacted only a handful of times through Facebook, all amounting to more-or-less pleasantries and those stupid-ass game invites.

While this most recent friend hasn’t been explicit in his efforts, it’s still smelling kind of fishy. I want to do the right thing by my ex, and let’s face it, I’m still loyal to some degree. Also, I have a little thing called integrity. I’m in no way interested in my ex’s friends. They were out of bounds the second I started dating my ex (though I honestly wouldn’t be interested in them anyway.) I’m just trying to figure out the most graceful way to navigate the situation. That’s where you come in, hopefully.

Thanks, Coquette. It’s times like these I wish I could call you up for whiskey sours at a dive bar until 3 am.

Sweetheart, the first thing I would do is wean you off of whiskey sours. (If you insist on adding anything other than ice to your whiskey, that list ends at vermouth and bitters.) The second thing I would do is give you a big hug and tell you that you are not alone in this. It happens with such frequency that I’m surprised there’s not a formal name for it.

There will always be a few acquaintances of your ex who come sniffing around after a break-up. It’s inevitable, especially now that they can do it so easily on Facebook and still maintain plausible deniability. After every relationship, I pretty much expect to play a game of post-breakup whack-a-mole with a horny handful of my ex’s douchebag friends who suddenly find a reason to poke their heads into my business. (And yeah, the really sneaky ones wait a few months.)

The most graceful way to handle this is just ignore them. Unless you have a good reason to be exchanging pleasantries, don’t even do it. You are not obligated to respond to these guys, and you shouldn’t be afraid of seeming rude. Don’t make it your problem that they don’t know any better. Shut them down hard and fast the moment they start hitting on you, and feel free to unfriend them if they make you uncomfortable in any way.

Unless one of them gets aggressively creepy, don’t get your ex involved. The only thing worse than telling your ex that his friends are hitting on you is actually hooking up with one of his friends. Leave that kind of tacky behavior to the attention whores and drama queens.

Good luck with the broken heart, babe. I’m sorry you have to deal with a few jokers along the way.

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Advice

On a clever response

I’ve been using an online dating service, and I just received this gem of a first message from someone whose profile shows him to be, at the very least, a homophobic conservative:

“I’d love for you to cook me dinner sometime :)”

I want to address this in the best possible way. I don’t want to ignore the message, because I’m frustrated that he thinks some strange woman (me) will jump at the chance to cook him dinner. However, I’m pretty sure the biting retort I have been dying to respond with will not have any effect on the kind of misogynist crap he puts forth into this world. Please help me out! Write something clever for me to respond with! It would make my week.

In situations like this, don’t try and just say something clever. Be clever.

Ask him what he wants for dinner. Do it nicely. Lemme know if he responds, and we’ll take it from there.

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Advice

On guilt and shame

Do you feel guilt? That’s not a loaded question, I mean it in regard to your very (very) well developed sense of mature morality. You just seem like such a morally advanced person that you’d sort of be “beyond” guilt.

The only people who are beyond guilt are narcissists and sociopaths. I feel guilty for shit all the time, and I’m glad that I do. Guilt is evidence of a functioning conscience.

If anything, I’d like to be beyond shame. Shame is different than guilt. To be shameless is to not give a fuck what other people think. It requires the moral code and strength of character to know you’re in the right even though others believe you’re in the wrong.

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Advice

On being respectful, patient, and thankful

Dear Coquette,

So, what am I supposed to do when my Jewish grandmother asks me what I think about the situation in Gaza? Do you have any recommendations for any particular substance that might make this holiday season easier?

When your Jewish grandmother asks you about the situation in Gaza, all you have to do is say, “I don’t know, Bubbe. What do you think?” After that, no matter what comes out of her mouth, just smile and nod.

This goes for all ethnic grandparents and all discussions about Old Country politics. Let the elders say whatever they want, and then just smile and nod. It doesn’t matter if their opinions are ignorant or inflammatory. You don’t have anything to prove to them, and it’s not your job to show them that they’re wrong. 

Never argue with a septuagenarian on an issue regarding their cultural identity. It’s a waste of everyone’s time.


I’m 23, halfway through grad school, and not dating anyone seriously. My mom is starting to freak out that I’ll be alone forever (she was married at 21 right out of college) and feels the need to ask me every time she sees me “Are you dating anyone?” Knowing the rest of my family, they will start in with the “So when are you going to find a guy and get married” stuff soon. What’s the polite way to tell them all to chill out and let me live my life on my own time table?

I feel you, sister. This was my go-to line when my family members started asking questions: “Marriage isn’t a high priority for me right now, but I’m enjoying my life, and I’m very happy with the way things are going.”


Five years ago I spent a month in Goma, Congo, teaching art camp at a hospital. Today in the news I saw a photo of that same hospital flanked by soldiers and looking much worse for the wear. The invasion of the city has left me terrified for the safety of the people living there that I have come to know as friends. They are not safe staying, but leaving would bring even more danger as men are systematically slaughtered and women are raped almost without exception. I feel helpless and guilty about the stark contrast between my peaceful life in the states and the terror that my friends are experiencing in Goma.

I ask one thing of the people who may read this (even if it is just you): Please, find something to be thankful for in your life. It could almost always be worse. It is an amazing stroke of luck to have even been born in our peaceful little corner of the world. I would hope that everybody can recognize that and do what they can to preserve that which is so easy to take for granted. 

And for those who truly have had devastation in their lives… My heart goes out to you.

I don’t have anything to add, except for thanks to everyone for writing in to me. Thanks to everyone for reading, and happy Thanksgiving weekend!

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Advice

On being an asshole

My friend keeps using the word “gay” as a pejorative and refuses to stop. He claims that how other people interpret his words is not up to him, and that it’s not his fault if someone else is insulted by his use of “gay” in a negative sense because their reaction is a reflection of their own insecurities and weakness and that is not his fault.  He is not homophobic; he has gay relatives as well as gay friends whom he loves, yet he refuses to change his language because according to him actions speak louder than words and he his actions show that he is a good person regardless of what he says. Other than bringing up the definition of “gay” to show him he is misusing the word in the first place, is there anything else I can say that will get him to stop? Or is he right in saying that the audience chooses the meaning of the word i.e. it’s only an insult if you make it one?

Your friend is being a giant douche, but not for the reason that you think.

Personally, I don’t care if he uses the word “gay” as a pejorative. If he wants to sound like a sophomoric jerk, that’s fine. Whatever. The problem isn’t that he’s choosing to be offensive. The problem is that he’s denying that he’s being offensive. That’s some cowardly bullshit.

He doesn’t get to deny that words have meaning, and that certain words are loaded with cultural significance. He knows damn well that he’s being offensive, and he even knows why. He should have the strength of character to admit that he simply doesn’t give a fuck.

If you’re gonna be an asshole, own it. Go ahead, be offensive, but at least have the courage to admit that’s what you’re doing.

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Advice

On house rules and holiday politics

Dear Coquette,

The holiday season is coming up, and that means my sister and her fiancé will soon be staying with me and my husband during Thanksgiving week. The problem is that my brother-in-law-to-be suffers from a particularly pigheaded brand of conservative Christianity. To put it politely, he is an outspoken member of the religious right. For him, there is a very simple and stereotypical solution for each of our country’s problem, and he speaks with such certainty and arrogance that it really bothers me.

Everyone in my family goes to church, but he’s the only one who brings his religious politics home to the dinner table, and his views are very extreme. I don’t share his opinions, and I don’t want to have to argue with him when he brings up issues of the day. I’d rather just keep the peace, but then again, I don’t want to be a pushover. I also don’t want to appear unsupportive of my sister or make it seem like we don’t approve of her choice of partner. How do I resolve this?

Supporting your sister does not include an obligation to approve of her taste in men. In other words, you don’t have to like her fiancé. You merely have to tolerate his company a few times a year for as long as your sister can stand to be married to him.

You also have to be a gracious host for family members during the holidays. Of course, one of the benefits of being a host is that when someone is under your roof, they have to respect your house rules.

So, to resolve this, it’s simply time for a new rule — no talking politics. Just don’t allow it. Acknowledge that you’re never going to change each other’s minds about certain subjects, and in the interest of civility, let your sister and her future husband know ahead of time that impolite or controversial conversation is off limits at your house. It may seem a little weird at first to make an explicit rule about what folks can talk about, but trust me, it works.

It’s already rude for your sister’s fiancé to be talking about religion or politics in the first place, but once you have the power to call him out for breaking a house rule (as opposed to arguing with him because you disagree), things will become much more peaceful.

He doesn’t have to like it, but as long as he’s under your roof, he does have to respect it. Or he can stay somewhere else.

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Advice

On the “kill the gays” bill

Coquette, the Ugandan government is officially going to pass the “Kill The Gays” bill — and I don’t know why, but I’m completely torn up and in tears about it. How can I even accept, as a gay man, that this shit goes on in the world?

Acknowledge it, but don’t accept it. Also, understand this shit for what it is. The Ugandan Anti-Homosexuality Bill is the life’s work of one man, David Bahati. Surprise, surprise. He’s a Christian evangelical nut bag. As per usual, organized religion is at the root of the problem.

Don’t worry, though. This shit won’t stand. Fearmongering fucks like Bahati are always on the wrong side of history. Ignorance never wins, progress is always slow, and sometimes a step backward is necessary to take a big leap forward.

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Advice

On tears of impotent rage

It’s easy to say we should all “come together” now that your vote has been cast and our country is being led by a bunch of left-wing socialist imbeciles. What you don’t understand is that in our democratic society YOUR VOTE DIRECTLY EFFECTS ME AND MY MONEY. So, fuck you…. We will not “come together.” I want to shove your idiotic ideology down your throat and I hope you get EXACTLY what you voted for (you socialist piece of shit).

Mmm, delicious. More please.

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Advice

On painfully obvious answers

Dear Coquette,

So, one of my best guy friends is married. He has a great relationship with his wife, and we’re all part of a group of friends that hang out together. The other day I left a comment on one of his Facebook pics. The comment was, “Aww, love ya!” He deleted the comment and later, when I was curious why this had happened, I was told by his wife that I had “disrespected their marriage.” (He did not tell me this. She did.) That was really upsetting to hear from my closest guy friend. I told her that no one’s trying to disrespect her marriage and that she needs to slow her roll. I wasn’t sure if it was her insecurities or perhaps her sense of superiority for “being married” but I feel she should know better than to accuse a close friend of such nonsense over a comment on a picture. To be clear, I have never found her husband even remotely attractive and I am into my own boyfriend. I realize there are two sides to this, but tell me: Who’s right?

Neither of you are right. She’s a hypersensitive twit with larger trust issues in her marriage, and you’re a self-absorbed drama queen who takes this kind of trivial crap personally when it’s not even really about you.

Both of you should delete your Facebook accounts and go volunteer at a soup kitchen together, but since that’ll never happen, at the very least, quit bickering over petty nonsense like a couple of high school sophomores.


I hate my mother’s boyfriend. He’s verbally and emotionally abusive. He’s lived in my house for years now, and he’s not moving out any time soon. He treats me like dirt and my mom just turns the other cheek or makes excuses. I wouldn’t want her complaining if I had a boyfriend that she didn’t like, but still, what do I do?

If you had a boyfriend that was abusive to your mom, you can be sure she would complain. More importantly, she wouldn’t tolerate a boyfriend who treated you like dirt. The same rules should apply in reverse.

This isn’t about liking your mom’s boyfriend. It’s about allowing him to disrespect you. He doesn’t get to do that, and you sure as hell shouldn’t let your mom make excuses for him. Make sure she knows that his abusive behavior is unacceptable. She doesn’t get to pick him over you.

Remember, you’re family. He’s not. Ultimately, he’s disposable. You’re not. If your mom is too weak or selfish to deal with the situation on your behalf, show her what a backbone is by dealing with it yourself. Don’t complain. Simply demand respect.


I’m hooking up with this guy and I know that he’s with other girls. The thing is I’m not with any other guys and it feels uneven. After we hook up I feel so lonely and like I don’t mean anything. I know those feelings are mine, not anything he’s given me, but still. What should I do?

Stop hooking up with him.

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