Dear Coquette,

I’m having trouble processing the immense wealth of my boyfriend’s family. A solidly middle class upbringing did not prepare me for casual offerings of first class flights to Hawaii and biweekly dates at Osteria Mozza. I love spending time with him and his family and appreciate their generosity, but I’m torn between attempting to be an Independent Woman and dying to see the inside of a country club. Advice please?

If your independence is threatened by a rich boyfriend, you’re doing it wrong. Relax. Have another bite of maltagliati with wild boar ragu, and quit acting like they’ve already asked you to sign a prenup. You’re hardly a kept woman at this stage in the game, so don’t let other people’s money go to your head.

There is nothing mutually exclusive about being in relationships with wealthy men and being an independent woman. I’ve done both all my life, and it’s as simple as having your own career, making your own money, and paying your own bills. When your boyfriend picks up the tab for extravagances, the trick is to be gracious without being uncomfortable. It’s fine if you get used to him spending money on you, but never let it become something you expect.

Oh, and as for the country club, prepare for disappointment. I think you’ll find that watching a bunch of old white men play golf isn’t worth having to observe the dress code.

My parents believe that education is everything and success is not achievable without it. Although I am a junior at a respectable college, I just don’t consider myself an academically oriented person and simply do not enjoy school very much. I am fascinated with the entertainment industry and always fantasize about somehow making a living through that world. Should I take a risk and pursue my dreams or continue going through school and do what is expected of me?

Every morning, the entertainment industry wakes up and devours the fresh souls of a thousand fascinated children who can’t tell the difference between chasing a fantasy and pursuing a dream. Don’t be one of them. Stay in school, kiddo. Get your degree.

This is not dream-killing advice. If you had an actual dream to pursue, I might have given you a different answer. Thing is, your desire to make a living in the entertainment industry is just as nebulous and without meaning as someone who wants nothing more than to be famous.

Do you want to be a television writer or a fashion designer? Do you dream of making it as a sports agent or a cinematographer? If you can’t be bothered to give me that level of focus followed up with some legitimate passion, then you aren’t even worthy of an internship.

Dear Coquette,

I started dating an older guy about four months ago. Even though I waited a while to sleep with him and tried to take it slow, he somehow Jedi mind-tricked me, and it turned into a casual sex relationship. Once I realized this, I was already addicted to the sex and couldn’t shake the habit. Like all women do, I eventually started to get attached. It seemed like things started moving in the right direction and then, BAM, I find out he’s married. His wife is out of the country and isn’t coming back for over a year and I’m not sure if they 1) are still married, 2) got married for his citizenship or 3) are separated. He has no idea that I know, and I have been avoiding him while I try to figure out what to do. He is starting to get impatient and frustrated that I have been unavailable. I don’t know what to do or whether to tell him, “Hey, I know you are married because i stalked your Facebook.” 

Nothing but brutal life lessons will ever come out of a relationship with a manipulative and married older man, so end it. You don’t even owe him an explanation. Just break up with him. Boom. Done.

Now that the simple stuff is out of the way, let’s focus on your real problem. You are pathetic, my dear. You’re a whiny little brat with a victim mentality and no integrity, and you’ve got to change your entire mode of thinking.

This guy didn’t Jedi mind-trick you. He’s just smarter than you, and you’re not willing to accept responsibility for your own sex life. Also, you weren’t “addicted to the sex,” nor was it a habit you couldn’t shake. You merely enjoyed the sex, but you’re so uncomfortable with your own sexuality that you can’t even acknowledge taking willful pleasure in it.

Essentially, you’re slut-shaming yourself. Stop doing that. There’s nothing wrong with being in a casual sexual relationship. However, there is something wrong betraying people’s trust by violating their privacy. You kind of got what you deserved when you discovered he was married, but still, have some integrity. It’s not OK to snoop around and Facebook stalk.

Dear Coquette,

How many one-night stands can a girl have before normal people start to judge her?

Oh dear, there is so much wrong with this question. First of all, there’s no such thing as normal people, darling. Not the way you mean it. We’re all freaks. Every last one of us.

Secondly, quit putting your sexual encounters on a scoreboard. How many one-night stands you have is far less important than why you’re having them in the first place.

Finally, your sex life is nobody else’s business. Quit worrying about being judged, and do what you can to cut judgmental people out of your life. Respect yourself, enjoy your sexuality, and ignore the haters.

Dear Coquette,

I may have let my flirting get the best of me, and now this guy expects me to hook up with him. Should I just suck it up and sleep with him?

Ugh, I want to reach through my computer and smack you upside the head. You never have to sleep with a guy just because he expects you to hook up with him. Come on, girl. Have some dignity.

Dear Coquette,

I’m not attracted to my husband anymore. I don’t respect him anymore, either. We’ve been married for four years, we’re in our 20s and we don’t have any kids. I realize that the fire fades, and that it’s hard if not impossible to keep up a rocking sex life consistently and long-term, but I actually feel mild disgust at the prospect of having sex with him. Intimacy is pretty much shot, and when we do have sex it’s just “going through the motions.” Is there any way to get attraction back? Is there any way for me to respect him again? Or does that stuff only exist in fiction and should I be happy that I’m with someone who cares enough to make dinner and ask about my day?

Damn, girl. How much weight did he gain? Not that it matters, I suppose. The real problem isn’t that you no longer want to have sex with your husband. It’s that you don’t respect him anymore. That’s ugly stuff. You can fall in and out of love over the course of a marriage, but once you’ve lost respect, it’s pretty much impossible to bounce back.

I get it. It’s rough out there for a young married couple. Life started beating both of you down, but instead of finding strength in one another, you found fault in each other’s weaknesses. Based on your tone, I’m guessing this isn’t the result of any infidelity or emotional abuse. This is just a garden-variety case of your husband’s emasculation followed by a vicious circle of mutual resentment that festered into disrespect. After all, you can’t respect a man who doesn’t respect himself.

This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you that everything’s gonna work out, but I’m not the type to blow smoke. Unless you both work together at putting fresh energy into yourselves and your relationship, you’re probably gonna end up getting a divorce. There’s a small chance you’ll find a way to hit the reset button on your marriage, but whatever happens, you’ll be starting from scratch. It’s going to be difficult.

The only thing I can suggest you do is talk to your husband about how you feel. Find out how he’s been feeling. Try a little couples counseling if you need a referee. Make a plan to change things together and give it an honest shot. If your marriage doesn’t improve, do what you gotta do.

Oh, and one more thing. Whatever else happens, don’t get pregnant. You’ve got no business bringing kids into this situation until you know how it’s going to play out.