Advice

On a relationship crossroads

I’m too self-absorbed to love a partner more than I love myself. He’s the exact same way. I’m not sure where we’re going, but I want a partnership that lasts, and I don’t see it with him. It’s been four months. He’ll be in my life for at least the next four, if not the next two years.

And it’s not like I don’t try; when I am cognizant of his feelings, I take care of them. I bring him food and I’m giving in bed. But he doesn’t get me off, and we don’t talk about our feelings. There’s something cold about him; and something withdrawn and prickly about me.

So do I just walk away? I want to hold on. I want to keep him, though I don’t know why.

 

Ah, yes. You’re at an interesting point in your relationship. You recognize that four months is too soon to be planning the next four years, but it’s also long enough to where you’re past the schmoopy courtship phase. The honeymoon is over (not that you two ever had one), but still, things are getting rational, and now you’re trying to figure out whether there’s a fundamental compatibility that could carry things long-term.

It feels like you’re leaning towards no, as if you want me to nudge you over the top of your decision to end the relationship. If that’s what you’re secretly hoping I’ll do, then accept it and act accordingly. If the coin is still being flipped, then you’re just going to have to call it in the air. Hold on or walk away, it’s entirely up to you.

The best advice I can give as you make your lists of pros and cons is to step back as far from this relationship as possible. See a bigger picture. Are you content to describe yourself as self-absorbed, withdrawn, and prickly? Is that who you want to be? You don’t have to know where your relationship is going, but you do have to know yourself.

Will this relationship allow you to continue growing into the person that you want to become? Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. Again, that’s your call, but if you decide that you’re in it, jump head first and put energy into making the relationship work. If you done, get the hell out hard and fast before you drift through another four months.

Whatever you do, don’t let inertia be the determining force in your relationship.

 

(Nerve)

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Advice

On lesbian bed death

I’m stuck. My partner isn’t interested in sex and my libido is raging. Any activity we have is initiated by me and she’s not interested in being on the receiving end of any pleasure. Classic lesbian bed death, we’re 5 years in and totally entrenched in what I thought was going to be a lifetime partner. Common friends, total family involvement on both sides, financial ties, etc etc. We’ve done counseling, she’s been checked for hormone levels. Due diligence has been met.

She’s (so far) unwilling to open up the relationship so I feel as though I have 3 shitty choices.

1. Suck it up and deal with it and plan on replacing my vibrator every 3 months from overuse.

2. Blow up my entire (and in most other aspects wonderful) life and end the relationship.

3. Be unfaithful. This is totally against every fiber in my being. But my bitter and angry self is coming up with more and more justifications for this all the time. I’m scared I’m going to do something impulsive and stupid.

She doesn’t ever reach for me, in any way. It’s heartbreaking and demoralizing.

Give it to me straight, I respect your perspective so very much.

 

You only feel as though you’re stuck with these three shitty choices because you haven’t checked the fine print on the terms of your relationship. There is another choice. It’s difficult, and it still might blow up your entire life in the process, but it’s also reasonable and equitable under these circumstances.

You’ve both agreed to be in a monogamous, long-term romantic relationship. That’s fine. Congratulations on making it five years. The problem, of course, is that you’ve confused monogamy with fidelity, and you’ve failed to recognize that your partner having zero sexual interest in you whatsoever is its own kind of unfaithfulness. I’m sorry, but just because she’s your romantic partner, that doesn’t mean she gets to hold your sex life hostage in a prison of unrequited monogamy. She’s the one betraying you here, and you don’t have to stand for it.

If your partner isn’t interested in sex with you, then the decision to open the relationship isn’t up to her. You’re the one who gets to decide whether to open things up. That’s the little known codicil that can dramatically alter the terms of your relationship.

All you have to do is tell her. Be brutally honest. Just say, “I am opening up our relationship, and I am going to start having sex with other people. It’s just sex. I’m not looking for love or intimacy. I have that with you, and I don’t want love or intimacy from anyone but you. Quite frankly, I’d rather be having sex with you than with anyone else, so as soon as you feel capable of resuming a regular sex life with me, we can be monogamous again. Until then, please know that I love you very much, but this is something that has to happen.”

Yep. It’s really that simple. The hard part comes later when you find out how strong your relationship really is. Maybe it’s an arrangement that can work. Maybe it brings you two closer as a couple, or then again, maybe it’s what finally blows shit up.

If your partner can’t handle you having sex with other people to fulfill your very reasonable sexual needs, then she’s the one who will have to end the relationship, not you. That may be cold comfort, but it’s an important distinction.

Whatever happens, you need to cozy up to the fact that something has to change, and it can’t just be the batteries in your vibrator.

 

(Nerve)

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