Author Archives: CQ

Advice

On a card-carrying communist

My friend is a card-carrying Communist. He’s very vocal and deeply entrenched in the movement (Canada has a Communist Party you can vote for), and hyper critical of everything. The right, the left, democratic socialists, Bernie Sanders (using socialism in a capitalist system – how dare he) and even Gloria Steimhem (for being a CIA operative, apparently). And on and on.

To each his own, sure, but I’m not clear why it bothers me so much. Is it that he misses the irony of having the freedom to speak his mind about a system that would inevitably remove that freedom? Is it the contempt he has for everything? Or have I just been programmed to hate Red bastards? Help, Coquette. What’s a rational argument against Communism?

 

Your friend sounds like an insufferable asshole, but that’s not communism’s fault. Also, communism isn’t the system that inevitably removes your freedom of speech. You’re thinking of fascism. A lot of folks make that mistake, because people are always confusing communist state systems for communist systems theory. (Actual communist states tend to wind up as authoritarian shit shows. Again, that’s not communism’s fault.)

There are plenty of rational arguments against communism. Then again, there are plenty of rational arguments against capitalism and socialism, so who gives a fuck? Your friend just wants to argue for the sake of arguing. Besides, the best answer has never been the pure form of any one economic system. There is an ideal blend of private and public ownership. An economy needs just enough government regulation, but not too much. There is a healthy level of socioeconomic stratification that includes neither classless conformity nor grotesque wealth inequality. The trick is in getting the mix right.

That’s why I’m a Bernie fan. It’s not that I’m a socialist. It’s that I think our system needs a correction in the direction of more socialism. (You’ll find that stupid people can’t make that subtle distinction, so argue it at your own risk.)

As for your friend, let him have his weirdo opinions, but don’t let him act like an asshole. Start training him. For every hyper-critical remark, make him say something nice. That’s my personal trick for dealing with cranks.

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Advice

On getting some help

Should I get a diagnosis for my (potential, but extremely probable) mental illness? I only have friends with shit (and in one case traumatic) experiences with psychiatrists and psychologists, but on the other hand a diagnosis can give me some of the leeway I need in my uni system. I’m not sure how much longer I can pretend I don’t want to kill myself because it’s not convenient for my bank account to pay for help.

Yeah, definitely go get some help. If money is an issue, start with your university’s mental health services. Don’t put it off. Schedule an appointment, and then go show up. I know it’s scary, but you’ll be okay.

(Also, for the record, you don’t only have friends with shit experiences. Trust me, once you get some help, I think you’ll be surprised to discover how many people you know who’ve had decent experiences with mental health professionals.)

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Whats the difference between embracing your vulnerability and being a total wimp?
Those two things are completely unrelated. I think maybe you’re categorically misunderstanding what it means to embrace your vulnerability. (Embracing does not mean expressing, and vulnerability does not mean weakness.)

What do you think of the group harm theory of prostitution? That prostitution can never be ok because it subjugates women as a group?
Prostitution doesn’t subjugate women. Prostitution can certainly be a result of subjugation, but in a patriarchal society, the actual source of that subjugation is inevitably something more insidious such as oppression, poverty, abuse, addiction, or in more extreme cases, outright sexual slavery.

What do you do when, after you fuck your best friend, you notice it seems like they’re pushing you away?
If your best friend is pushing you away, step back quickly, wait for them to lose their balance and fall over, then help pick them up. (If they don’t fall over when you step back, too bad. That’s what you get for fucking your best friend. Go find a new one.)

I need a reason to get out of the house every day. Should I get a lame job?
If you don’t need the money, skip the lame job and volunteer instead.

Why does it bother me so much that I never confronted my shitty ex about the way he treated me?
Because you still give a shit about what he thinks of you.

He’s hot, but he’s a cop. Should I go on a date with him? Should I fuck him? It’s silly, but I’m honestly torn.
Don’t fuck the police. Fuck the police.

Why is sex always something a man has to win from me? Why is it wrong when I give it because I want to?
It isn’t, and it isn’t.

Life just seems meaningless. I am not deriving joy from the things I used to. Doing nothing at all seems better than anything.
Life is meaningless. Now quit whining and go try something new.

I worry that I will never feel I’ve lived enough.
You never will. (One life ain’t enough, but it’s all you get. Sorry.)

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Thoughts

On one of those nights

I just got home from the worst date I’ve ever been on. The guy was a weird jerk the entire time, told me he believed The Secret was real (what the fuck???), and then at the end of the night told me he thought I was a lesbian for the first few months I knew him. All this after he literally stalked me before he had the guts to ask me out. What the fuck? I’m so pissed off.

Yeah. It was one of those nights for me too. Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my brain and be one of the normal people who orders their fun off the happy hour menu.

I’m so fucking tired of smiling and nodding.

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Best-Of Advice

On your disillusionment

I feel completely disillusioned by the American government (the 2 party system, electoral college, etc) and in a broader sense, capitalism. So much so that I don’t want to vote in any elections and thus condone our shitty system. I’m into civil society associations and other discourse along those lines, but I’m experiencing cognitive dissonance. I feel like by not voting I’m lumping myself into a group of unengaged, nonpolitical people and it doesn’t feel good. Thoughts?

 

Fuck your disillusionment. It’s boring. Of course the system is shitty. The system has always been shitty, and the system will always be shitty. That’s the very nature of the system, and the system will do all it can to resist change. It takes ridiculous amounts of energy to force progress onto the system — the collective will of entire generations sometimes isn’t enough.

Maybe, if we’re lucky, we can make the system grow a tiny bit less shitty over the course of our shitty little lives, but there’s no guarantee of that either. So I say again, fuck your disillusionment, because disillusion breeds apathy, and apathy is how entropy and ignorance win, and that’s how things get even shittier.

As a citizen, you are obligated to engage in the system. It’s your civic fucking duty. It doesn’t matter that the system is shitty, because engaging with the system isn’t the same thing as condoning it. If you want to manipulate the system, you have to participate in it, and the very fucking least you can do is vote.

Seriously, vote. It matters. It literally counts. People who go around saying your vote doesn’t count are enormous gaping assholes. That goes double for the mealy-mouthed shit sacks who insist there’s no difference between the two parties. Fuck that noise. Every single decision we make in this shitty world is a choice of lesser evils, so suck it up and choose.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

What if a democrat isn’t elected?
America will double down on its perpetual state of war, the wealth gap will widen, and perhaps worst of all, the Supreme Court will get filled up with a supermajority of regressive right-wing corporate stooges who will fuck up the country for the next quarter century.

What made you decide to own a gun?
I was a victim of gun violence, and for a while, handguns and gunshots were triggers for some pretty serious PTSD symptoms. Becoming a gun owner and learning how to shoot had significant therapeutic value for me. It still does. I suppose there’s also some symbolic value as well, but I would never be so thick-headed as to suggest that I own a gun for “protection.” People who repeat that absurd cliché are such delusional fucking idiots.

We’ve been dating for 4 years. He wants to get married in another two years, I wanted to have been married like yesterday. It feels shitty to give in to his timeline of events and yet – if we both agree on the end goal – why can’t I just be happy and enjoy the wait?
Because deep down you know damn well he’s just stringing you along. (I mean, come on. Is there even a ring on your finger? I didn’t think so.) If he wanted to be married to you, he would be married to you. Clearly, he doesn’t. Hell, it doesn’t even seem like he wants to be engaged to you, so unless there’s some super obvious reason for waiting two years, you should really consider the possibility that he’s only agreeing to marriage on some far-off, theoretical horizon just to shut you up.

I thought I was fine, but he found someone else and now I’m losing my shit. I’ve been with a few dudes since him but haven’t been able to catch any feelings. How do I poise myself against something that unexpectedly hurts like hell all over again?
Yeah, you gotta let it hurt. Fresh pain after your ex falls for someone else is a pretty standard breakup aftershock. Learn to expect that shit, especially if they catch feelings first.

Will going back home ever not make me feel like I’m suffocating?
Maybe, but you’ll have to make yourself a new home before going back to the old one doesn’t suffocate you anymore.

Why does it bug me so much when guys call me a tease?
Because not only are they implying that you use your sexuality as currency, they’re also suggesting that they’re owed some of it.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

He said he loved me. Then he left. What to do?
Have some breakfast.

Why do I measure my self worth by the quality of men that I date?
Because you live by an unspoken rule that the value of a woman is determined by men.

Your ego has fooled you into believing that you can sometimes kill it.
No. My ego fools itself into believing that I exist in the first place.

Maybe it’s way too early to ask…but you might get to it later. How do you feel about Trevor Noah?
It’s different, but it’s working.

The girls at the MAC counter were rude to me. What would coketalk do?
I would teach them a hard lesson about which side of the counter they were on. (The Catch-22 is that they aren’t rude to the kind of people who know how to teach them that lesson.)

I am planning on having sex. I love the guy. I don’t know if he loves me. We might break up soon. I am not doing it to save my relationship. But I would like to have sex with someone special to me for my first time. And I know if we end, I’ll have loads of sex with other men. Views?
Yeah, okay. Be safe.

What is your perfume/fragrance of choice lately?
At the moment, I’m kinda into Cinema by Yves Saint Laurent.

Why do so many working class white people in rural areas vote against their best interests?
Because they’ve been institutionally conditioned to use their vote as a means of justifying their belief system rather than protecting their interests.

Do you also feel like punching all the social media accounts in the world that perpetuate the nonsensical shit term “on fleek”?
Violently, but don’t worry. “On fleek” is well past its saturation point. It will be gone by the holidays.

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Thoughts

On Planned Parenthood and Abortion

If you support Planned Parenthood, what are your thoughts on late second and third term abortions. All good? If a fetus is able to survive out side the womb (possible at +/- 27 weeks) doesn’t that scream murder to you? Does it make it okay because the doctor doesn’t murder out of malice? Is it okay because the Woman’s life is far more important than the little being?

I understand that prior to viability a fetus is a clump of cells. Many clumps are created that never become people. Do you think that women who choose abortion (for which ever reason they choose) are properly educated as to the process? What about the incriminating videos that have surfaced? I am often in the edge of pro choice/ pro life. I am a new mom, my baby was premature… And it makes me shudder to think that I would have had the option to terminate her a week before she was delivered.

 

Of the million or so abortions performed in the US each year, only about 1 percent are performed after 20 weeks of gestation. (Fetuses are simply not viable at 20 weeks — 22 weeks is the current technological threshhold for survival outside the womb, but even that requires extraordinary neonatal intensive care.)

Only about 1000 abortions a year are performed in the third trimester — that’s around 0.01 percent — and those are only performed when the mother’s life is at grave risk. You’re asking about a tiny, tiny fraction of abortions, and let’s be clear — you wouldn’t have had the option to terminate your pregnancy a week before delivery. That’s not even a thing, so quit all your stupid shuddering.

Speaking of things that don’t even exist, there are no incriminating videos. None. No evidence of any criminal activity on the part of any Planned Parenthood representative has surfaced. All of that hyped-up nonsense is just wingnut fear-mongering and politically motivated propaganda.

Let’s also step back another level. You’ve framed your entire question about Planned Parenthood around an ethical issue that involves literally 0.01% of all abortions, and abortions only account for 3% of all the critically important reproductive health care services that Planned Parenthood offers.

To be quite honest, I think it’s pretty fucking irresponsible of you to conflate Planned Parenthood with a service they provide less than 0.003% of the time — if at all — to women whose lives are at grave risk due to complications.

Planned Parenthood is SO MUCH MORE than just the place women go to get abortions. Millions of people get reproductive health services from Planned Parenthood every year — breast exams, Pap tests, STI testing and treatment (including HIV testing), plus vital family planning counseling to underprivileged populations. That shit is so important.

So yeah, if you’re on the edge of the pro-choice/anti-abortion debate, please step the fuck off and realize that whatever stupid nonsense makes you shudder as a new mom, it has absolutely no place influencing a national debate over the vital health services that Planned Parenthood provides.

Don’t be selfish about this.

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Thoughts

On politics and entertainment

I just read this (all credit to Jay Pinho of Al Jazeera America): “The least analyzed aspect of [Donald Trump’s] foray into politics is one that has taken shape over a much longer time frame: the vanishing distinction between politics and entertainment…Trump’s candidacy has rendered image and reality so interchangeable that some voters have embraced his bid as an exercise in extreme nihilism.” My immediate reaction, following solemn laughter, was to wonder if you agree. It struck me as very Coquettish.

 

Yes, yes.

Speaking as a Californian, this is nothing new. We’ve already elected Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor. Twice. We put the fucking Terminator in charge of the world’s eighth largest economy without the slightest trace of irony, and then we did it again.

We’ve been vanishing the distinction between politics and entertainment since everyone stopped giving a fuck back in the day and decided it’d be a good idea to let Hollywood actor Ronald Reagan run shit. (As far as I’m concerned, California should never stop apologizing for that guy.) Trump’s candidacy is just the next logical step. He fits neatly into the logarithmic progression from Reagan to Schwarzenegger and on into oblivion.

I’m not suggesting we should embrace him. (Although to do so would indeed require an exercise in extreme nihilism.) We should reject him with every fiber of our being. We should call him out as the racist misogynistic fear-mongering capitalist garbage monster that he is. We should mock his supporters as unthinking legions with flaccid minds and facile lives. We should demand better, even from the toxic dumpster fire that is the Republican Party.

Image and reality are already interchangeable. (Duh. Welcome to postmodernity, Baudrillard.) That’s still no excuse to shrug your shoulders and embrace Donald Trump. Image can supercede reality all day long, that doesn’t mean we have to accept an image of the president an angry orange man with a butthole for lips.

We can do better, even as entertainment.

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Best-Of Advice

On ego death and spirituality

You’re the first person I’ve heard explain ego death as a constant gradual process (re: is your ego really dead?) rather than some kind of singular, life-changing event an ex-frat boy experienced after sucking on three tabs of acid. Would you care to elaborate?

 

The constant, gradual process of ego death. Yes. You’ve just tapped into the core of what spirituality is to me.

I’m not religious, and I don’t hold any supernatural beliefs, but I am still very spiritual. I believe that spirituality can be a rational and valid practice of philosophical exploration, and that exploration most often comes in the form of some kind of ritualized exercise in killing one’s ego.

The human condition comes with a built-in capacity for mystical states of transcendence, ecstasy, and bliss. Unfortunately, for most people that capacity either goes largely untapped or it ends up warped by religious flimflammery.

Nevertheless, those transcendent states can be discovered, studied, and developed like any other human experience, and if you devote yourself, those states can be sustained for longer and longer periods of time. (And yeah, there are those who say a transcendent state can be sustained permanently, but I find those claims are almost always adjacent to religiosity and charlatanism.)

As a general rule, anyone who claims that ego death is a singular life-changing event is either missing the point or selling something. I don’t mind the ex-frat boy who sucks on three tabs of acid and then gets smacked in the head with a little taste of transcendence. Good for him. That kind of thing can certainly be life-changing, but he is woefully mistaken if he thinks that experiencing ego death means that he’s actually killed his ego. (This is especially true for those whose first and only ecstatic experience is chemically induced.)

I guess part of the problem is in the phrasing itself. “Ego death” and “killing your ego” are useful as conceptual shorthand, but they imply a certain finality. Perhaps “annihilation” is a better term. Then again, perhaps “self” or “mind” might be more useful as terms than “ego.” Regardless, it can all sound like a bunch of eye-roll-worthy mumbo-jumbo to someone who’s never personally experienced it, and even for those who have, it’s still intensely personal and nearly impossible to describe.

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