Dear Coquette,

Is cheating on your partner wrong in every circumstance? How about cheating and not telling?

There’s quite a bit of room to define the scope of infidelity within the context of a given relationship, but cheating is wrong. Cheating is always wrong. That’s why it’s called cheating.

If you’re capable of asking this question with a straight face, then your problem is that you don’t feel guilt if you do something wrong. You only feel shame if you get caught doing wrong.

That’s evidence of a nasty little streak of narcissism, and it’s a serious character flaw.

Why are so many people afraid of gay marriage when it really as no effect on their own lives and how they choose to live them?

Gay marriage may not have any effect on the lives of its opponents, but in their pointy little heads, it has an effect on their way of life.

They’re defending a religious value system that is a part of their identity. Gay marriage is a threat to that identity, and you can always count on small-minded people going berserk when something threatens their identity.

A few nights ago I made out with a stranger and gave him my number. We’ve texted a few times since then and made vague plans to meet up again, but after sobering up I realized I’m not particularly attracted to the guy and would rather just forget it happened. Am I obligated to at least go out to dinner? Is there a simple way to say “sorry, not actually interested,” or should I just stop responding? If the tables were turned I wouldn’t want someone to just flake out on me, nor would I want to waste time on someone who’s definitely just there out of guilt.

Yeah, no. You’re not obligated to go to dinner with this dude. Since you’ve already spent an evening making out with him and scheduled vague plans, it’s a bit too late to politely reject him by saying that you’re simply not available.

Most girls in your position just start ignoring the guy, but the slightly more dignified thing to do is text him the following: “I’m sorry, but I need to break off our plans. I’m not comfortable dating right now. What we had was just a one-night thing. Thanks for understanding.”

You can stop responding after that, but it’s disrespectful to leave the dude hanging. This is basic golden rule stuff. Treat him how you would want to be treated if the tables were turned.

Dear Coquette,

Over the past four years, I’ve been laid off twice and ultimately spent 16 months unemployed. My self-esteem, marriage, finances and career are in various states of ruin. Presently, I’m underemployed and bitter. I don’t know where to begin. How do I engage the second act of my life?

I fought hard to carve out a career in an industry that I always dreamed about working in. While I treasure that achievement, I have no idea where to begin anew. I feel the weight of supporting a family in my thoughts of career change.

On top of that, after 14 years of marriage and two small children, our relationship has crumbled. I feel a tremendous burden of guilt at the thought of putting my children through our divorce. I know what it did to me as a child.

I’ve been in therapy for over a year now and I’m making some progress. I don’t know that I can get her into couples therapy, but I do know it is the only thing that might save us.

I understand that the shitstorm is going on all around us. I’ve just run out of juice to fight it off. What the hell do I do next?

Take care of your kids, man. That’s it. That’s all.

As for your career, there is no difference between the achievement you treasure and the bitterness you feel. They are the same thing. Let that mess go.

While you’re at it, take your self-esteem and shove it up your ass. It doesn’t deserve a spot on your list of things in ruin. Get your ego out of the equation, because it’s in the way of things that actually matter.

As for your marriage, quit whining and take action. Get your wife into couples therapy. Turn “for worse” into “for better.” Do it for your kids, and if you can’t pull it off, keep the divorce amicable.

This is your life, dude. It’s not a shitstorm. You’re just in a transitional phase. It’s not your first, it won’t be your last, and you don’t get to run out of juice. Suck it up and keep going. You may not have it easy, but you’ve got it a hell of a lot better than most. Never forget that.

Oh, and did I mention? Take care of your kids, man. That’s it. That’s all.

Dear Coquette,

I’m about to enter a job where I’m the only girl in the room with three dudes. Our jobs have more or less equal standing and are all positions of power over a group of about 40 people (men and women represented almost 50/50). These are all dudes that I respect and trust and who I know respect and trust me in return. I’m not worried about harassment or sexism per se, but I’ve been alive long enough to know that it would be foolish to think that gender wouldn’t play a role in some ways.

These dudes identify as feminists, and we’ve already talked about trying to make sure that we’re aware of our gender dynamics, particularly with regards to the other people we’re responsible for. I’m just wondering if you think that gender is always a presence in power dynamics, and if so, what things I (we) should do to make sure we’re being good people with regards to gender in a work space.

I wouldn’t say that gender is always a presence in power dynamics, but I would say that power is always a presence in gender dynamics. It’s a subtle distinction not to be overlooked.

If the three dudes you work with identify as feminists, then you’re already way ahead of the game in terms of workplace ethics. Feminism is about equality, after all, and if you’ve already established an open dialogue with your co-workers about gender dynamics, then I’m sure you’ll be able to deal with pretty much any situation that comes along.

Here’s hoping that everyone stays cool.

If you sell the Western ideal of beauty (as you don’t buy into it) and we can’t afford it, what happens?

The Western ideal of beauty is not a commodity that can be bought or sold. It is a form of embodied cultural capital that can only be transmitted or acquired by those with privilege.

To say you can’t afford the Western ideal of beauty is to suggest that you want to possess it, but you don’t have the means to acquire it.

If you want to know what happens when you want something only available to a privileged few, it’s the same thing that always happens: envy.

I’ve come to the realization that my whole life, I’ve been nothing but an imitation of all the things I see and experience around me. I’m not interesting or extraordinary, like I deluded myself to think. I don’t think it’s too late for me to stop being boring and unoriginal, add the things I lack from my life, and find hobbies I enjoy. The real question here is, how do I find myself?

If you really want to find yourself, try coming to realizations without using the words “I,” “me,” or “my.”

Dear Coquette,

My younger sister just called me today and said she’s getting married tomorrow. She’s only 18, works at Wal-Mart (so does the guy she’s marrying). She isn’t making any effort to go to college, has never lived on her own, and she’s known this guy for six months. They have no place to live other than my grandparents’, and they don’t make enough money to pay for rent in even the cheapest places around. She says she knows he’s “the one” and doesn’t want to live with him first because our grandparents are very religious and wouldn’t like it (yet she doesn’t even believe in God).

I told her these facts (while trying the best I could not to sound judgmental) and she screamed back, “I thought you would be supportive! You don’t love me! You don’t care about anyone but yourself! We know what we’re doing so forget you!” and then she hung up. I’m really worried about her. She’s a talented musician and I feel like she’s throwing her life away. I’m also hurt that she would get married while I’m on the other side of the country and can’t be there, and that she can so easily assume I don’t love her just because I’m trying to look out for her. I don’t know what to do. I know she has to live her life and make her own decisions, but it’s hard for me to accept that completely when I’ve practically raised her for years.

Slow your roll, Mama Bear. I know you feel like your little sister is throwing her life away, but you can’t tell her that, because right now your little sister feels like she’s finally starting her life.

Problem is, both of you are right.

In other words, you have to back off and let her screw this one up on her own. I’m not saying you have to support her decision. I’m just saying you have to recognize that it’s her decision to make.

Disapprove all you want, but try not to be disrespectful, even in the face of her disrespect. It’s a fine line, especially considering your relationship has a distinct mother/daughter vibe. Just remember, she’s the teenager. You’re the adult.

Tread lightly. Every time you tell your little sister that she’s throwing her life away, you’re just confirming what she already thinks everyone believes: that she’s trash.

Let’s be honest: She’s a teenage Wal-Mart bride. She’s a trailer park and a broken condom away from being a Jeff Foxworthy punchline. You don’t think she feels that? Of course she does. She’s keenly aware of your disapproval about her life decisions, and like all rebellious teenagers, she’s gonna lash out. As a mother figure, naturally, you’re going to catch the brunt of it.

Also, do not doubt for one second that she’s head-over-heels in love. That kind of thing is blinding when it happens to level-headed adults, so try to imagine it from the perspective of someone barely old enough to buy cigarettes.

The last six months have been the happiest of your sister’s entire life. Does that mean she should’ve gotten married? Of course not, but there’s nothing you’re gonna say to convince her otherwise. She’s love-stoned. All you can do is ride it out and pray that she doesn’t end up pregnant before the inevitable divorce.