On bad sex

I’ve been in a whole two relationships before in my life, so I am aware that I am no expert and completely inexperienced. If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be wasting your time. So a little background info as short as I can make for you: First relationship- deadbeat boyfriend that ended up moving into my house because he was poor, pathetic, and quite possibly was just that crazy and controlling that he felt the need to be able to keep an eye on me 100% of the time. Mind you I’m only 20 years old and I was living with my parents during this. The living with me part only lasted a month, he drove me crazy and I had to force him to get his life together. He was mean and verbally abusive (and I’m not just being some whiney cunt, I was just a young and stupid girl and fell for his lies and bull shit and he belittled me and somehow got control over me, something that will never happen again.) Second relationship: sex. typical girl meets boy, gets fucked, falls for said boy and boy gets other girlfriend. again, and again, and again. So now, 6 months into relationship number 3, I’m looking for some harsh words of encouragement not fuck it up. Hes fantastic, sarcastic, cute at all the right times and just enough ass hole in him so hes not that nice guy that everyone always talks about wanting but doesnt ever appreciate when they get. The only problems we have are when we have sex because im inexperienced (I’ve slept around a little but I dont whore myself out to any guy with a big dick and a nice smile) and insecure. Its a weird situation though, I’m insecure because often we will have sex and neither one of us will come because I cant handle his dick without eventually being in a lot of pain and he is on some obnoxious mission to make me come. This shouldnt be obnoxious, but he should just realize that after awhile when im in pain shit just aint gonna happen. So, sorry for the ramble but heres the point. I need to hear it from someone whose gonna give it to me harsh and let me know how things really are. I dont want to feel insecure, but the fact is no matter how many times he tells me if i wont come theres no reason he should, i still feel like a pathetic ass hole when i cant do it for him. we have been screwing for months and pretty much have been doing it the same way until this week when we had sex in two different positions other then the 3 or 4 weve been doing the whole time. i cant get past the pain and have come to tears almost multiple times just trying to grin and bear it so he could get off. and keep in mind that this isnt some wham bam thank you maam kinda shit. the sex has never lasted under 15 minutes and is on average a lot longer then that. after 20 minutes of it it hurts so bad, and its a depth thing not a friction thing, because its never a problem of not getting wet. so, take from that what you may, and tell me something that can help if you will. I dont want my insecurities to fuck this up.

There are a couple of things going on here that need to change.

First, you need to recognize that he is just as inexperienced as you. Like every boy born after 1985 he learned to fuck by watching porn, and that leads to the kind of endless, detached meat pistoning that you describe here.

It’s bad sex, compounded by the fact that he’s got a big dick. Big dicked guys should know better. They don’t get to go balls deep. Bruising your cervix is not cool. You should not be letting him pound your uterus. Since he doesn’t seem to get it, you just have to tell him — not so fucking deep!

Next, you two need to quit feeling responsible for each other’s orgasms. This is the most important trick to good sex. Neither of you should ever be “on some obnoxious mission” to make the other cum.

He thinks he’s being chivalrous when he says stupid shit like, “if you won’t cum, there’s no reason I should.” Call him out. It’s not gentlemanly. It’s passive-aggressive and childish.

You have to sit him down and tell him. Tell him. Make sure he understands. He is responsible for his orgasm. You are responsible for your orgasm. Most importantly, neither of you is obligated to have an orgasm.

I have a feeling that sports metaphors will work for him, so tell him that sex is not a sport with a half-time and a scoreboard. There are no points. There is no goal. No one is keeping track of statistics.

Sex can last five minutes or five hours. You can each have multiple orgasms or none at all. It doesn’t matter.

I promise, once he stops competitive porno fucking, your love life will improve instantly.


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