Getting turned on freaks me out.

My boyfriend and I aren’t having sex for faith-related reasons, but we’re not the sheltered religious types. We talk about sex and fetishes and fantasies and what have you. The whole category of topics is hardly taboo.

Waiting’s not the problem. The problem is that, in practice, I get freaked out by my own sexuality. Religious doctrine aside, I really believe that sex is this awesome activity that is a natural part of who humans are, something to be treated with respect, because it’s powerful, and enjoyed, not vilified. But still, getting turned on, and all the things that follow, makes me… sort of ashamed. Like my body’s doing these weird, gross things, and it shouldn’t be. I’d like to not be freaked out by the fact that my own sexuality is a real thing. I’d like to enjoy what the boyfriend and I do, but I get caught up in anxiety and shame and, past a certain level of intensity, stop enjoying myself. Which sucks.

So there’s this contradiction in my head between what I’m feeling, and what I believe, and I just want to enjoy having a sex drive. You take no shit and are brutally honest, which is why I’m asking you instead of, say, a therapist. I’m pretty much hoping you have some magical regimen that will help me shut the hell up and enjoy myself instead of feeling afraid.

Okay, here’s what you do: Go online and buy a giant dildo crucifix, slather it in bacon lube, and have your boyfriend ram it into your big dumb vagina while you scream, “There is no god! There is no god! There is no god!”

Seriously, though. You want a cure for your cognitive dissonance? Stop believing in stupid shit. Your religion is a bronze-age fiction passed down through the ages by the ruling classes to keep social order. Let go of that nonsense. It’s poisoning you.

It’s great that you think sex is awesome, but you can’t just put religious doctrine aside when it’s the source of your sexual repression. You have to reject all that bullshit outright.

Religious doctrine is a tool of subjugation, and right now, it’s subjugating your sex life. If you had enough perspective, you’d realize that biblical notions of virginity are just a primitive form of institutional slavery. The sexual shame you’re feeling is all a dirty trick designed by creepy old men to protect your value as a piece of property. It has nothing to do with anything spiritual.

Keep the god if you must, but you can’t keep the doctrine, because at the end of the day, you’re a gigantic asshole if you believe that the creator of our unimaginably vast universe gives two shits about what you cram into your nether regions.