On consent and small-mindedness

In your two most recent Fun Sized Advice blurbs, you gave one woman the advice that “if you don’t wanna take it up the ass, don’t fucking take it up the ass,” then you gave another woman the advice that her husband not wanting a vibrator in bed is just a sign of a “small minded man with a fragile ego.” The implication of the first one was that people shouldn’t have to do stuff in bed if they aren’t comfortable, and the implication of the second was that the guy should just put his feelings aside and do it.

Why is it okay for one to be an assertion of consent for things done in the bedroom, and the other is just a small-mind thing?

The implication isn’t that the guy should put his feelings aside and do it. The implication is that he’s a small-minded man with a fragile ego. He still has every right to say no to pleasing his wife with a vibrator, but it’s a bit ridiculous for you to compare that kind of ineffectual selfishness with pressuring your girlfriend into having anal sex against her will.

And just to be clear, if the wife had been complaining that her husband refused to take a vibrator up his own ass, I would have given both women the exact same advice. Instead, she was complaining that her husband refused to use a vibrator on her. Surely you see the difference with regard to issues of consent and bodily autonomy.

Please tell me you’re not confused about the obvious distinction here. Please tell me you’re just a douche playing a game of devil’s advocate with this passive-tense question of false equivalence, and you’re not some self-absorbed narcissist who can only frame an argument from the perspective of your own needs.


6 thoughts on “On consent and small-mindedness

  1. Laur says:

    This entire question just screams “How can I get someone who champions women having choice over what they let others do to their bodies to concede my point so I can further pressure or force the women I sleep with to give me anal even if they don’t want to”.

    To which I advise whoever this idiot is dating to RUN AWAY AS FAR AS YOU CAN IMMEDIATELY.

  2. Pearline says:

    I didn’t read the original articles mentioned. But I tend to agree with the questioner. Whether the wife wanted him to use it on himself or herself, if he didn’t feel comfortable with that then he shouldn’t be forced to do it. Life if she had wanted him to use whips or something. If he doesn’t want to do that in bed then that’s his choice, right? I don’t think he’s small minded for it. I’m a girl myself. I don’t like giving BJ’s, hubby loves it of course. Sometimes I’ll do it if I feel like it. If he had to force me to do that it would be a serious problem for me. I know it might seem selfish but I have tried and it just feels like I am doing something against my will.

    • RocketGrunt says:

      I really don’t think using a vibrator is on the same level as BDSM or blowjobs. Just like the questioner was only thinking about this from the perspective of his own needs, you seem to be only viewing this from the perspective of your husband’s needs.
      Let’s re-frame this. If you had a girlfriend and she wanted you to use a vibrator on her, would that be the same as if she asked you to go down on her? One involves the intimate use of one of your body parts; the other is something you’d just have to hold in place (or just let her hold in place) to enhance her experience. Whips and chains wouldn’t be the same because using those requires a huge amount of communication and trust between partners in order to avoid doing physical or emotional damage. A vibrator just vibrates, and she could use it on herself (which means no extra communication is necessary).

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *