On deciding whether to end it

You answered my question months ago (existential FOMO), and it was incredibly helpful, but something has recently changed in my relationship. I’m planning on moving to the other side of the country, and my boyfriend wants to come with me. I really want him to come, but he has the expectation that we will “probably” get married in a few years. He also let slip that he would get married tomorrow if I wanted to. Even though I don’t want to break up with him, I still can’t see myself marrying him. I’m completely torn up over this- I’m bawling my eyes out every day- but I don’t want to lead him on, or make him uproot his entire life for me if I can’t live up to his expectations. I’ve also never been single in my adult life, or with anyone else, and the idea of starting completely over is scary, but appealing. I haven’t talked to him about this yet because I think I should make a decision first. How can I decide if it’s over?


You’re not deciding whether it’s over. You’re deciding whether to end it. There’s a subtle difference, but you need to understand it.

Deciding whether it’s over is a passive process of realization. It requires that you come to terms with an inevitability. Deciding whether to end it is an active process of determination. It requires that you come to terms with a choice.

For you, this is a choice that requires determination, not an inevitability that requires realization.

You’ve been with this guy for over half a decade, and you’ve said repeatedly that you can’t see yourself marrying him. It’s obvious that you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, yet he clearly expects to marry you. That understandably freaks you the fuck out, and as much as you don’t want to admit it, deep down you know that this cross-country move is your last best chance to parachute out of this relationship before you wake up a bored housewife in your mid-thirties still wondering about all that strange dick you never had.

If I can take the hint, then you can too. Trust me, this move is happening for more reasons than you think it is. It may not have been deliberate. It may not even have been conscious, but there’s a part of you that desperately wants out of this relationship, and that part of you is strong enough to have manifested a move to the other side of the country.

Thing is, you have to actually make the choice. You have to say it in your head. You have to say it out loud, and then finally you have to say it to his face, “We’re done. Our relationship was wonderful, but it’s over now. It’s time to move on to the next chapter in our lives, and it’s best for both of us that we aren’t together.”

You have to make the choice. You. Not him. Not me. You, and no one else. You also have to live with the consequences. Either way, it will be difficult. Either way, you will be lonely. Either way, you will never know whether you made the right decision.

Still, you have to make the choice.


46 thoughts on “On deciding whether to end it

  1. MousyB says:

    “Either way, you will be lonely”

    Coketalk strikes again with the truthbombs…glad to have you back =)

  2. Erica says:

    I was faced with the same decision this time last year. I ended it and it was one of the hardest but best decisions I’ve made in my life. I also had never dated anyone else in my adult life and although dating kinda sucks and I get lonely it’s still better than being stuck with someone when you want out.

    At the end of the day my ex and I are still friends. Theres no bad feelings because I was completly honest with him about how I felt. It turned out that giving each other space was exactly what both of us needed and we’re both happier now. Just trust your gut and tell the truth.

  3. Giuliana says:

    how will OP not know if they made the right decision? clearly OP is not satisfied in this relationship. ending it seems to be absolutely the right choice. sure, maybe OP will never meet another person to be in a relationship with again, but not everyone gets that happy ending. better to have a fulfilling life single than be in a cement shoes relationship.

    • N says:

      Maybe that’s OK for you and it isn’t for LW. But you’re assuming an awful lot; LW is young and if she wants to pair up in the future, although it’s not certain, the odds are very good. Even old people splitting up is not some death knell for all future relationships.

      What is certain is that she won’t be happy in this relationship. So the decision is not to stay coupled and unhappy vs single and alone, the decision is to stay coupled *with this guy* and unhappy, or get single and maybe find happiness.

      LW: that you have never been single in your adult life is a big deal here. It’s not a bad thing to want a mate, but it’s not good to be unable to live as a single person. That BF is considering this move only as a step toward marriage really suggests some codependence here, and you would probably each benefit both from time away from each other and as single people. As far as BF, if you won’t break up with him out of your own unhappiness, consider his; he wants marriage and is in a relationship with someone who has no intent to marry him but isn’t doing him the favor of being honest about that.

      It sounds like neither of you is being honest with yourself or the other person about what each of you really wants. Maybe you don’t know. Maybe you two have been together for such a large part of your formative years that you don’t know how to take care of yourselves. I think that learning what you want and how to seek it out will be the key for your near future.

      And it’s not selfish to break up with someone if you’re not happy. It’s unkind to keep someone on the hook.

  4. Mandy says:

    This is the best thing I’ve ever read here. When it’s wrong, you know. It’s hard to admit, but the signs are all over this letter. Life can be so much happier.

  5. Charlie says:

    @OP: Coquette brings up a good point when she says, “Either way, you will be lonely.” Which kind of lonely do you find more intolerable in the long-term (feelings of ‘missing out’ vs. not having this unique person as my boyfriend)?

    If you haven’t already, it’ll be good to check if your boyfriend is truly okay with leaving what he’s known behind. In my experience, sometimes partners want to ‘tag along’ because of physical-financial dependency or fear of the unknown/being single. If he does fall under this category, best for both parties to end things cleanly. If he is serious, ask about his gameplans for making the transfer more comfortable for himself and you (e.g. job-search, informing his friends/family, moving logistics, etc.)? With such questions, maybe he’ll come to realize on his own that the cons will outweigh the pros and vice-versa.
    Likewise, what’s a “few years” mean to him in terms of waiting for marriage? If neither of your honest numbers match up – best cut it cleanly or re-negociate/probe (e.g. “Are your parents pressuring you to marry sooner than you’d like?”).

    There are other variations of the ‘end it and go alone vs. have him move with me’ decision to consider as well, depending your/his unique circumstances and where you’re at, emotionally:

    A.) Apply ‘Existential FOMO’ advice if he does move with you (e.g. open the relationship, explore things together/separate in your new residence, plus be honest about not wanting to marry anytime soon).
    B.) You could part ways as just long-distance friends; or, have them move in as a platonic roommate who helps pay rent (can be tricker to do if there’s leftover, unresolved feelings e.g. resentful marriage expectations, jealously at your/their new partners).
    C.) Mutually decide to ‘look for other people’ for now; and, move by yourself to get practically/financially settled into your new home. If things are still positive months down the road–see if he’s wanting to transfer or is already content where he is (ie. you or him already found someone new, etc.).
    D.) End it cleanly and move without them, while cherishing the memories and ways they helped you grow as a person during that phase of your life.

    …You never mention directly why “you can’t see yourself marrying him.” Figure out the exact reason(s). That way, you can either use that self-awareness for trying to improve the current relationship or to better select your future partners.

    Regardless of what option you choose, both have their own inherent challenges and opportunities. Although it’s easy to fear making the ‘wrong’ choice, either one will allow you to grow as a person so long as you keep a positive, philosophical attitude about it.

    Best of luck, OP–hope you have a blast traveling across the country!

    • Giuliana says:

      have him move in as a plantonic room mate?! open a relationship that is clearly dead in order to try to make it work? move with the promise that you will get back together in six months or a year, thus leaving the poor dude in an unfair state of false hope? pardon me, but are you nuts!? ahem. i had to get that out; having accomplished that, did we read the same question? OP seems so dissatisfied with this relationship; she cannot picture marrying this dude. that is the biggest takeaway to me. he is no where in her long term future. sure, she says “really wants him to come” with her on her move but she also says the idea of starting over is both appealing and scary. it would seem to me she would be unwise to heed any of your proposed solutions, save for option D which I agree is sensible. OP comes off as someone, to my eye in any case, who is staying with this dude due to fear driven inertia. a clean break and a fresh start is in order, not any of these solutions which would only drag out accomplishing the inevitable, or worse trap her in a situation which is little better than the one she has now – and for what purpose, to make it “easier” on everyone? this is not a situation where cowardice will serve OP well. it would seem to me that the corpse of this relationship is very dead. she needs to call the time, not reach for the paddles.

    • CynicalGrey says:

      Uggggggh, I didn’t want to read this and confront my awesome and comfortable partner’s fear of commitment. Great questions, thanks!

  6. A says:

    The options the OP is giving herself seem really drastic. Flee to the other side of the country or spend the rest of your life married to someone. I’m not sure if this is linked to a traditional vision of the relationship escalator which is dating, having sex, moving in, getting married, having kids (in reality you can mix and match as many of those as you like) or if it’s fear of commitment.
    You can have a long distance relationship for a while which ends with a move or a break up. You can open up your relationship. You can get married then divorced (but if you don’t want kids and he does let him go, his fertility will decline with time too). You can be a serial monogamist or you can have a series of flings. You can be a single mum or not be a mum at all and still be in the lives of a bunch of kids that call you grandma when you’re old.
    The options are there, any of the above could be fulfilling.
    If the OP wants out then that’s her choice and that’s great too, but if it was me, I’d give myself time and options.

    • Lily says:

      The move is mainly for career reasons, and I’ve been thinking about it for years. It’s not an impulsive decision I came to all of a sudden. The reason this is suddenly an all-or-nothing decision is because I don’t want to move him and wind up deciding, whoops, I need a clean break after all- in a year or two- and then I’m an asshole because I dragged him with me to the other coast and dumped him there.

      • Nat says:

        I suppose this goes against cokes advice, but can’t you just tell him that you have those fears/feelings/confusion over your feelings and see if he’s willing to take those odds or not?

        If he doesn’t want to follow you across the country for a relationship that’s not guaranteed long term, then that’s understandable, and you can have a mutual break up now.

        If he’s happy for you both to give it a go, knowing that it might not last forever, then he won’t have been dragged, it will have been his own decision.

      • A says:

        So basically you’ve made your mind to move for a while, your boyfriend too, and you’re wondering if you should leave him, because of the fact you don’t know if you’ll want to be with him in a year. Am I getting this right ?
        But where does the pressure to make this decision come from?
        Is he using the move as leverage to get you to marry him? Do you think this move would be extremely damaging for his career?
        Because otherwise I see nothing wrong with the situation where you move to the other side of the country and break up a couple of years later. It doesn’t really affect the long term outcome of his life.

        Tell him flat out that you don’t want to marry him, and you may never want to.
        He’s a grown up, and can make his own decisions. You shouldn’t be misleading and should give him all the information (I don’t mean your deepest thoughts and doubts, just the facts), but you are not responsible for his choice!
        I mean for fucks sake, this is life. You follow your heart and let it take you on adventures. Finding yourself alone in a place you don’t know is awful after a breakup, but it’s also thrilling. It’s an opportunity to reinvent yourself.

        Your relationship, the intertwinement of your lives is a story. I don’t feel like this story is over just yet. I feel like you want to let it play out.
        Let go of the guilt and do that. Follow your story, the truth is you have no idea what you’ll feel like in 1 or 5 or 10 years. Maybe you’ll break up with him after a couple of months, maybe he’ll be the one to break up with you. Maybe the doubt will be gone in a year or 2. Maybe the doubt will continue and the relationship too, which isn’t a bad or exceptional situation, as long as you continue to be introspective.

        At some point you have to fight for what makes you happy. You’re not telling us that you think leaving him would lead to happiness for you. Projections into the future, self-doubt and the sense of responsibility for the lives of ppl important to you are essential variables in choice-making, but they seem to be muddling your vision more than anything else. You just need to make a choice and accept the possible fallouts of that choice. You need to know that whatever choice you make in your particular situation seems pretty much OK.

        I’m sorry for being long and for rambling, but I just woke up in the middle of the night and I’m not in a full state of diurnal wake.

  7. ah says:

    I was in this same situation a year ago. I was engaged and felt the need for change which I attributed to needing out of LA and a different job. Got an amazing job and together we moved to our new city. Once I realized I made the move and job stuff happen for myself I realized I wanted more from my relationship too.. It was terrible but ultimately a good lesson in trusting my gut. I had known for years that he was great but I just never felt the need to get married.

    I have been lonely for sure but never once regretted it end it. I loved him so very much and he was my best friend for 10 years. Nothing was really wrong other than I just didn’t want to marry him. I think focusing on yourself, finding your happiness (hard work if done correctly) and time leaves more possibilities open that staying with the status quo. You might find you do want to marry him (or just be with him) or you might find that you were complacent.

    Get real with yourself and figure out deep down what you want. Might be the harder path but likely the best for you in the long term.

  8. DEJAVU says:

    This is like deja vu. This is where I was last september. I was planning on applying to grad school and I knew that would entail a move…I was crying on the way to work for ‘no reason’, confused and anxiety ridden and desperate to figure out why my long-term relationship (8 years at 25 yearsold) was no longer fulfilling me. I felt guilty because he was a great guy, my family loved him, he was supportive and smart. But I had grown up with him and I had started out grow apart from him.
    So, I can’t tell you what to do but only what I decided.
    I broke up with him. I cried my fucking eyes out. I bawled until my lungs hurt. I would’ve taken physical pain over the emotional pain I felt. My apartment felt like someone had died, the loneliness was crushing.
    And then I got over it. I learned to cook for one. I learned the passcode to the laundry room. I moved the fuck on.

    I’m very happy and I don’t regret my decision in the least.
    Best of luck to you and your next adventure.

  9. Rainbowpony says:

    As someone who has been on the opposite side of this problem, you need to beak up with him.

    I know it’s not your intention, and me making you feel bad isn’t going to help you, but let me tell you…. not making this decision, letting your boyfriend slowly realize that your half hearted assurances of long term committment are half truths structured around the fact that you can’t let him go but will never fulfill his needs, and the mental cluster fuck that will do to him when he has to figure out the subtle differences between what you say and what you mean…. this will destroy his fond memories of the relationship and his positive regard of you. Nothing sucks more then breaking up with someone, not because you want to leave them, but because you can tell they are too chickenshit to leave you. It really really messes with the mind.

    Do it.

  10. LO says:

    Years ago I had to make a similar decision, and months of reading Coke is what gave me the strength (and emotional vocabulary, honestly) to make the choice and deal with the consequences. I do not regret that choice in the least. Whatever you end up choosing, I hope it leaves you with the same sense of certainty.

  11. JC says:

    When I get to the point in a long term relationship when I realize I’m not marrying that person, I break up with them. It sucks to do it when you still love the person, but beyond not wasting my time, it’s important not to waste theirs. It’s the only fair thing to do, even if it sucks.

  12. s says:

    To all the people who are ending relationships just because they don’t want to eventually marry the person: um, why? Why marriage? Why not just stay with whoever you love for as long as it works out?

    • Giuliana says:

      i second this. are people using “i would not marry them” as the equivelent of “i can’t picture a long term future with them.” because if marriage is the standard that seems rather foolish to me. sure it has benefits, and in terms of equality for people it was important for homosexuals to be permitted to marry, but tax benefits and politics aside, is not marriage sort of a flimsy standard if it is not being used as the equivelent of “sharing a significant portion of my life with this person”?
      to me, it is more romantic to show up every day to a relationship that matters. for a partner to know one could easily leave at any moment and vice versa is sexy. marriage, as it so often functions in the mind of the average american, seems like a horrid weight and burden. this type of person is likely not coke’s average reader, but i have heard people say “when i met her, i knew i had to lock it down.” or from women, “i am so glad he put a ring on it and was not afraid of commitment.” as far as i can tell, commitment is possible without marriage, and “locking it down” is a horrid concept. marriage for many seems to be this “end all, be all” that i have never been able to grasp the significance of (outside of the advantage of certain legal benefits.) it makes no difference to me if i marry in my life or not.

      • Lily says:

        It’s a problem when one person in the relationship is 100% sure they want to marry their partner someday but their partner doesn’t want to.

        • Kdlaf says:

          Agreed. The issue here isnt marriage – its that the two people here seem to want two different things in the long run. And I think its unfair to string someone along and prevent them from finding someone that wants the same things.

          • Rainbowpony says:

            Yes, especially if one of those people wants marriage and kids, because there isn’t an infinite time window for the latter.

          • Giuliana says:

            so “marriage” is the equivalent for most people of “having a long term future together”?

            i admit the benefits of marriage evade me. yes you can, as a spouse, be the first in line to make medical decisions for a spouse should something terrible happen. but is that not what a living will is for? personally, i feel that is something one should be responsible for, such as a DNR, or “do what you can to save me but do not let me be a vegetable should that fail &c.”
            i do not personally believe in ever sharing finances with a spouse, so monetary benefits seem irrevelent…
            what i do not have the answer to is, cannot many of the benefits of marriage be accounted for through personal responsibility (such as legal document stating preferences during medical emergencies) or a will to dictate what becomes of one’s money, &c, leaving it to a life partner? not that there is anything inherently wrong with marriage; my question is it the only way to obtain certain benefits?

          • Rainbowpony says:

            That’s great that you don’t value marriage, you can totally do that. You will never be long term compatible with some who does value it, and you can’t bully someone you love into your value system.

            Plus, if I have kids, I do want a legal contract that we are in it together.

      • Strangely Rational says:

        “to me, it is more romantic to show up every day to a relationship that matters. for a partner to know one could easily leave at any moment and vice versa is sexy. marriage, as it so often functions in the mind of the average american, seems like a horrid weight and burden. ”

        I agree with this, and I think that marriage can be the way you consider relationships. I gave up that typical for-life attitude towards marriage some time ago. I believe that if you’re married but you wouldn’t choose to marry that person now, why stay married? (That was my eventual decision with my first husband.)

        When I told my current husband that I wasn’t making any forever vows, I explained to him that what that meant was that he was going to be able to know that every day I’m with him, I want to be there just as much as I did in the beginning. He doesn’t have to worry that I’ve fallen out of love with him and am just slogging through out of some sense of obligation. We’ve had some really rough times, too, and I keep telling him that I’m in. I think that means a lot more than treating marriage as handcuffing two people together.

        It’s more realistic, anyway. Fewer than half of the people getting married actually keep their traditional wedding vows. I don’t quite understand why that gives people a sense of security – worse odds than a coin toss.

        • Giuliana says:

          yes, i think marriage is best when it is about what personal meaning a person places on it, and what they put into their marriage relationship after giving the former due consideration. i like how dan savage says “to be considered successful, marriage does not have to end in someone dying.” people could be married for a couple of years, and have a great marriage, and then part ways for any number of mundane reasons, and it would be a success.

          i see how you mean about anxiety from the slogging through – i think i would have anxiety in a marriage that my partner might be staying from obligation, and not a desire to be with me. in my mind, not being married cuts out the sense of obligation for “the sake of the marriage”, and instead there is effort “for the sake of the relationship” – hopefully this distinction makes sense. sometimes i think there are so many ideals, impressions, “tropes” for lack of a better word, attached to the concept of marriage, that surely it sometimes informs how people behave once married. i am not sure i would be equal to the task of navigating those notions people can carry with them from the cultural messages bounced around all the day about how marriage is supposed to function in order to be considered “properly functional.” of course people are at liberty to make of their marriage what they wish, but i would have a fear that some things are just so ingrained, how could one contend…?

          i also think marriage is often not equal to the fact that people change: their preferences, their personalities, their goals in life. people change a lot over the course of their lives; we are not the same people at fifty that we were at twenty. major lifestyle changes, mismatched life goals (which are always subject to change), personalities changing over the years, all of these things can really end the compatibility of a marriage! historically marriage is “till death do us part” but sometimes people cease to be compatible for totally mundane reasons where no one is at fault; sometimes i feel there is not much flexibility or acceptance of this in the overall cultural attitude towards marriage – that the message is frequently “if you loved them, you would love who they changed into,” or “if you loved them, you would change your lifestyle to match theirs so the marriage could survive.” all this to say i do not know either where the sense of security comes from for some people when they think of marriage – it would seem to me that marriage can be just as capricious as anything else in life!

    • Lin says:

      This is exactly the state of my current relationship. Neither my girlfriend nor I ever intend on getting married to anyone. We’ve been living together for over a year and I love her more than anything. That my change, and it may not, but for right now we intend to stay together as long as we want.

      And when we no longer want, we won’t.

    • JC says:

      Marriage wasn’t important to me, per se, but it symbolized moving forward in the relationship. Things had gone as far as they were going to go. The fun that was to be had was had.

      When the shine wears off of a relationship, there has to be depth and commitment to keep it working.

  13. Cassia says:

    “You’re not deciding whether it’s over. You’re deciding whether to end it.”

    PREACH Coquette! (In a non-religious sort of way)

    • Jen says:

      It’s still a good “container” to have children from within for many people. That and the other thing that makes me pause in writing it off is the idea of having a companion when I’m old. That sounds pretty nice. Recognizing a commitment to that isn’t awful in my eyes, I just find the odds of having that type of relationship to be lower with how dating has changed and knowing more about the type of relationship that would function well as a marriage.

      • Lin says:

        No duh, guy, but even accounting for the relativism, I fail to see any appeal to the legal contract of marriage which, at least in my country, is the same for everyone.

  14. Giuliana says:

    Rainbowpony, i am not sure where your bullying comment comes from…? i am in no way threatening your values. my comment could be boiled down to two ideas, a) marriage often seems like a symbolic
    gesture more than a practical one, at least at the outset, which leads to my second idea b) cannot the legal benefits of marriage be compensated for with other legal recourse. that’s all!

    JC, i am curious what you mean by all the fun had been had, and marriage was somehow
    going to fix this? from where i stand, marriage is a contract tbat binds two people together and gives them certain legal benefits. but how does marriage change
    boredom that is present in the relationship? of course the honeymoon phase wears off of relationships, but how does marriage revitalise that? cannot deprh and commitment be achieved by putting effort into the relationship? travelling together, trying new things together, having date night, &c. i am curious for your explanation on how you felt marriage would fix the dull stasis of your relationship. a lot of people seem to feel marriage cures this, and anecdotally i have seen it ultimately fails, sometimes with a resentment that was not previously there. so what is your experience with marriage as a relationship cure? did it work as you expected? are you glad you made the decision? was marriage the only step you took, or did you do other things to nurture your relationship as well?

    • JC says:

      Clearly you misunderstand my comment by a lot. In a relationship that isn’t going to lead to marriage or other serious commitment, the only reason to keep it going is for the fun. Once the fun is gone, what is the motivation to continue? In a marriage, you’ve made a “in good times and in bad” type vow, and when you hit the bad patch, you have to work to recover the good times. With someone where you aren’t willing/able to make this investment, why stick around once things have hit the skids?

    • JC says:

      I think I see the source of your misunderstanding. I was responding to an earlier comment as to why marriage was so important. It’s not, it just symbolizes moving forward in the relationship. I was saying when that wasn’t meant to happen, there was no point to stay after the fun was gone. I think you read the comment out of context and thought I was suggesting that marriage was the next step in a relationship after the fun had been had. Nope, fuck nope. Never been married and probably will never get married.

      • Giuliana says:

        ah i understand! a lot of people seem to use “let’s get married” to express that good times bad times long term commitment. for whatever reason, the idea of marriage does not appeal to me, so while i may make that type of commitment with someone some day, it would be by saying those things and having a personal verbal contract! perhaps my psychology on this matter is informed by that my parents are not married, nor my aunt; she has been engaged for about ten years now!
        sometimes i do meet people who think marriage is somehow going to take their relationship to a new level simply by dint of getting married – very odd concept to me! but maybe they are on a level that is not publicly expressed putting more effort in after marriage, and marriage was simply the vehicle that mentally allowed them to make or commit to that effort.

    • Rainbowpony says:

      I’m not talking about bullying me in this conversation.

      Im pointing out that you sound like a person so confident in their ideals that you imagine that if you tell someone your opinion they will have to admit the superiority of your thinking. I’m afraid that working out yours and your partners values in a relationship can’t have that tone. Furthermore, it will be difficult topic to compromise on, regardless of the tone of the conversations. And, of course, there are points in favor of marriage, whether you see them or not. You cant ever approach this topic as if there is one true answer.

      • Giuliana says:

        yes, i am confident in my ideals. it is not something that would need to be worked out with a partner nor compromised on – nor cowed into admitting my views were superior! it would be a, “oh, we see things differently, time to part ways respectful of each other’s different goals in life” conversation. i do not know what i could have done differently to express that i do not believe my ideals are the only option; statements such as “does not appeal to me” or “personally, i feel” or “not that there is anything inherently wrong with marriage” all convey that these are my personal feelings and not value judgments on other’s ideals, nor statements that there are no benefits to marriage. there certainly are, as i mentioned: tax benefits, legal guardianship preference in the event that one’s partner is unable to make medical decisions, &c.

      • Strangely Rational says:

        Guliana said nothing that could lead logically to your conclusion. You’re obviously either projecting something or it’s a major reading comprehension fail.

        • JC says:

          I think there are a lot of reading comprehension fails afloat. The bullying comment referred to not being able to force a partner to adopt your mindset. It’s really sort of a moot point anyhow, because an appropriate partner is going to share your mindset on such important matters as cohabitation, marriage and children.

          To everyone defending their viewpoint so vehemently, it really smacks of being insecure about your choices. You do not have to tear down the other point of view. If you don’t care for cultural institutions, good for you. If marriage makes you happy, good for you. There is no right answer, so please stop trying to ‘win’

          • Rainbowpony says:

            I’m not insecure in my choices. Often when people are going off about such things – eg an opinion about marriage – it’s not even conversation fodder, it’s just a way to express identity, usually using the listeners as a contrast for that identity. Honestly, it’s exhausting, and yeah, that behavior strikes a nerve with me. But you’re right. Why the fuck interact with the people that come here just to declare their identity. That’s my fault.

          • JC says:

            I wasn’t directing my comment at you specifically, but I agree with your response.

            The problem is that women in particular need to stop fucking doing this. It comes up a lot with regard to the decision to have children or not. There is no superior choice. There is only the choice that is right for the person. Women don’t need to justify their choices in ways that discount other people’s choices, or go on and on about how they “don’t get it.” The only correct justification is that something is or isn’t right for you personally.

  15. PPPPP says:

    Nobody is probably going to be paying attention to this comment but I just really feel compelled to share and express. This piece of advice shook me to the core when I read it. It ate at me almost every day and I spent a lot of time thinking about everything Coke said. Today I broke up with my perfectly sweet and loving boyfriend. I feel like I ripped a part my whole world. Reading other people’s stories about their similar experiences gives me hope but it also terrifies me that I won’t have the same positive outlook in the end. But I just couldn’t lie to myself anymore and I’m hoping for the best. I feel like I learnt some hard lessons but I also feel like a monster for breaking a wonderful person’s heart. I’m just really fucking thankful for this community and for all of Coke’s brutally honest advice that sometimes hurts a little too much to read. And to the person who wrote in, I hope you stayed true to yourself and followed your instincts and I hope this big move will bring new joys to your life.

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