Advice

On fucking your friend’s ex

My friend-with-benefits is having ex sex with a mutual friend who does not know about our friend-with-benefits relationship. Is this dishonest?
 

If either of you are hiding the sexual nature of your relationship, it’s deceptive. If either of you are lying about it, it’s dishonest. This situation is tricky, because the mutual friend isn’t necessarily entitled to know you two are fucking, but at the same time, it’s pretty shitty of you to fuck your friend’s ex.

This is one of those circumstances where you should focus less on honesty and more on integrity. Do you want to be the kind of person who fucks over your friends by fucking their exes? Try applying the golden rule here, and imagine what it would feel like to find out that one of your friends was fucking your ex behind your back.

It would suck. You know it would suck, which is why your conscience is bugging you.

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11 thoughts on “On fucking your friend’s ex

  1. Ellie says:

    Fucking a friend’s ex is always a delicate situation, but it’s one that should be analyzed on a case-by-case basis.

    I, for once, couldn’t care less what my exes are doing, and if I found out through others that my friend is fucking one of them, I would be more hurt by my friend’s deception than by the situation itself. If, however, she told me herself, and if this didn’t interfere with our relationships, it would be just fine.

    I don’t see why it’s so inherently shitty to fuck a friend’s ex/have your ex fucked by a friend. Dunno, maybe because I have no feelings left for my exes. Please enlighten me if you’d like.

    • hng23 says:

      I really don’t get the big deal about exes fucking friends. If we’re done, we’re done. Who fucks who after that is nobody’s business, so they can tell me or not.

    • GE says:

      I think it’s an issue of consent. Would you have “ex sex” if you knew the ex was also having sex with someone else? By the way, if she’s fine with it, then fine. She doesn’t have to know its her friend.

      The betrayal lies not in the dishonesty but rather that all parties (the friend and the ex) were in the know and consented and she was denied the amount of information she needed to make the call for herself.

  2. Light37 says:

    I think it’s one thing if the breakup was five years ago, reasonably amicable (“We want different things” as opposed to “Ex cheated on me with my brother/was abusive”) and both parties have moved on. If you’re still close enough that you’re referring to it as “ex sex” and the ex is unaware that there’s a FWB thing going with a mutual friend, then it seems like a bad idea.

    I don’t think getting with an ex is automatically verboten, but I do think you need to weigh things in the balance. Is the potential relationship worth the potential damage to the friendship? Are you prepared to possibly lose the friend and then have the relationship not work out?

    Also, if you are feeling uncomfortable with Ex not knowing what’s going on, then that tells you something.

  3. hng23 says:

    I really don’t get the big deal about friends fucking exes. Once it’s over for you, it’s over, and who fucks who after that is really nobody else’s business.

  4. Erin says:

    Going after a relationship your friend threw away is like going through someone’s garbage for your next fuck. Even worse, her friend is still sleeping with him and ex sex is inherently loaded with emotional baggage. It lacks class and unless those two parted on amazing terms, sleeping with a friends ex is like saying every shitty thing the guy did to your friend while they were dating is okay with you.

  5. It depends on the timing, like everything else.

    Immediately after the breakup, it’s a tragedy.
    A month after the breakup, it’s drama.
    Half a year later, it’s comedy.
    A year later, it’s fine.

    Of course, these are arbitrary values I’ve added in that are personal to me. Everyone has their own breakup pace I suppose.

  6. Yo Girl July says:

    I was bestfriends with my friend for 2 years. Almost a year later after her and her ex-thing stopped talking, he hit me up and decided to be friends-with-benifits. Now I’m sitting in my room feeling horrible about myself because she is making it this way. Mind you, they never dated. They just talked. I don’t see why it’s such a big deal if it was just sex.

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