Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice

What is one of your sexual fantasies? Go ahead, be vulnerable.
Being able to lose my innocence again.

How long does it take to get famous?
These days, not nearly long enough.

I’m very lost. I’m very sad. I’m very confused. I’m very sober.
Stay off Hollywood Boulevard, because you’re just how Scientology likes ‘em.

I’ve recently started having sex. Everyone says that by the third or fourth time, it starts feeling good. But it still hurts like a bitch. What do I do?

Use lube. Slow down. Quit letting your inexperienced boyfriend fuck shit up.

He told me to fuck off, I cried for a week straight and now he’s banging on my door drunk and calling me. What do I do?
Pick a better one next time.

What is up with all your Ghandi-like advice lately?
Same as it ever was, babe. If my shit seems different, it’s your enlightenment, not mine. Welcome to the party.

Do you care about your readers ?
Of course I do. How the fuck would this be possible if I didn’t?

How do I let go of the only guy I’ve ever loved?
Quit using the words only and ever.

Have you ever cheated on someone?
Fuck no.

Are you Alexi Wasser?
Why do you all keep asking me this? No disrespect to everybody’s favorite hipster manic pixie dream girl, but if you can’t tell the glaring and fundamental differences between her thing and mine, please stay the fuck out of our city.

ok so if Ayn Rand is methadone, than what would be pure, state-sponsored heroin (like they have in Switzerland)?
Oh, come on. What’s always been the opiate of the masses? Religion.

I’m thinking of coming out to my extended family over Thanksgiving dinner. Should I do it before or after dessert, and with or without graphic details of why I am getting a sex change?
Don’t make Thanksgiving dinner all about your giblets. That’s tacky. Let everyone finish their pie before telling them about the sex change.

bitch, im gonna put your shit on a tshirt and sell it to your whole blog. What’re you gonna do? Sue me? Good! Then we will know who you are.
Bitch, if you think lawyers are my weapon of choice, you haven’t been paying attention. Not that it matters. My fans would know better than to buy your shit.


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