Why am I so afraid to be mad at my boyfriend?
You are mad at him. You’re afraid of something else.
I had sex with a sleazy guy in the bathroom at a party 10 minutes after meeting him. It didn’t hurt anyone, so why do I feel so shitty about it?
Because that’s what you’ve been programmed to feel.
Do you get better at choosing people as you go on? This year’s been full of getting burned by people I trusted.
You only get better at it if you actually change how you choose them.
I’m terrified of taking medication for depression because I’m afraid that I won’t ever be able to do without it. Is that a thing that can happen? I can’t ask a doctor, I really don’t think they’d be honest with me.
Okay, but you can ask a doctor. You should, actually. If possible, ask more than one, and don’t be afraid to ask direct questions. They’re not gonna lie to you. (I appreciate that you trust me, but don’t let your anxiety prevent you from getting the treatment that you need.)
I miss him so much that I cry myself into a half-sleep every night. But it’s been a month since we broke up, and I have shit to do. How can I speed up the process?
You can’t, but that’s no excuse not to get your shit done.
Is refusing to shower a justifiable reason for ending a friendship? His whole house smells like his feet but all my other friends adore him.
It’s a justifiable reason to not go over to his house. If that ends the friendship, it’s not on you.
What does it mean when a guy doesn’t want to get into a relationship with you because he doesn’t want to disappoint you?
It means he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.
What happens when everything is on point but the attraction?
Friendship. (Or disaster.)
What do you prefer to be called when you’re a domme?
You assume I even give permission to speak.
10 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice”
Hi from Norway! 🙂
I love reading your blog. And I am missing it in my bloglovin feed – do you know why it does not appear there any more? Please fix it? 🙂
Lots of people go on antidepressants and later get off them once they have developed better coping skills and healthier behaviors (meditation, exercise, seeking greater social support, etc.).
But it’s true that some people will need them for extended periods, if not for life. Just try and consider, though, that plenty of other illnesses require ongoing medication. The important thing is to be able to function better, and if that means one pill a day, so be it.
Also, make sure that you have a firm diagnosis from a psychiatric specialist, NOT from your regular doctor. It should require at least a 60-90 minute session. There are many illnesses that could be misdiagnosed as depression – anxiety, bipolar, etc. The meds you need for each condition will differ, so the really important thing you need to do is get a solid diagnosis. Don’t start on meds without it.
“Don’t start on meds without (a diagnosis).” Yes and No. Diagnoses are Labels. Labels are good for research, billing, and locating the lowest common denominator of an illness. Diagnoses are not good for knowing who someone is, how they operate, and what would be the most helpful. Also, most diagnoses (per DSM5) require duration criteria, meaning you may clearly have an illness, but it hasn’t technically declared itself yet. Or, you may have a couple of overlapping diagnoses, and it takes time to tell which is the predominant / driving concern. Or, your doctor might want to get to know you well over time before labeling you with something considered particularly stigmatizing (like schizophrenia or borderline). Most good shrinks take a very thorough and specific history, are attentive to the course of an illness changing over time, and provide “symptom-targeted treatment.” If a patient demanded a solid immutable diagnosis before I could treat them, they would be delaying treatment (perhaps for years) and I might worry that it was a driven by something other than a desire to get treatment (eg a scam to collect SSDI disability money – I’m cynical).
Tell your doctor that you don’t want anything “addicting” (potential for physiologic dependency, like a benzo) or with a severe “withdrawal syndrome” in case you and your doctor decide to discontinue treatment (eg paxil or effexor). Tell your doctor about your sleep history (this is where the money is in distinguishing bipolar from unipolar depression). Go in with a clear head – try to answer questions honestly, directly, and simply – don’t be afraid to ask your own questions – don’t trust anyone who tells you the meds alone are the answer (best be attending to nutrition, sleep, exercise, social relationships, etc already) – express a preference for therapy alone and ask if that’s reasonable in your given situation – know that if the first doctor isn’t a good fit, you can find another one.
Hope it all works out well and soon!
People are of course misdiagnosed, but there is a vast difference between being diagnosed with depression by a GP vs. a psychologist/psychiatrist.
Many GPs are much too inclined to throw an antidepressant at anyone who presents with a mental illness just to see if it helps. I’ve had that experience, and I’ve known a number of other people who have had it too. You may not get the “perfect” diagnosis from a specialist, but all the more reason you need to be seeing one regularly, so that they can monitor your progress closely.
Also, I disagree with outright ruling out any medication just because it has addiction potential. While it may be best to avoid them if you can, they do have their place and can often be more effective than the alternatives. My husband has PTSD, and even though he has a long history of substance abuse, his psychiatrist weighed the situation and put him on Ativan in addition to his two other non-addictive anxiety meds which were not covering him. Is it ideal? No. Is it better than extreme misery and possible suicide? Yes.
(In his case, it works because we have put measures in place to protect him from abusing them. We have a fireproof safe with a combination lock in which his meds are stored, and I get him one day’s supply at a time.)
On breaking up and not sleeping: Go out, get yourself a 30 pill bottle of non-addictive over the counter sleeping pills, use every night for at least two weeks. If you need to use it for a month, fine, but don’t go any longer than that. You have to deal with your emotions, but your health should not suffer. Solve it chemically in the short term so you can remain well rested.
About the not wanting to disappoint you, I think it means a little more than just not wanting to date you. When I have encountered this, it was with somewhat insecure men who were a little intimidated by my confidence. It’s a compliment on some level, because they don’t think they can live up to your high standards or what they think you deserve in a man (or who knows, maybe the are just telling you that you come off as demanding, ha.) Unfortunately, even if you really like the guy, there’s nothing you can do to convince him. The root cause is his insecurity, and you cannot fix that (nope, you really can’t, don’t try.)
I had my heart broken very badly by one of these and ended up in a deep depression over it. It was the start of my dating downfall, so try to keep your chin up and realize that everyone is coming into dating with their own set of baggage that they are working through.
Re: ” I can’t ask a doctor, I really don’t think they’d be honest with me.”
I can understand your anxiety about seeking treatment – it’s scary (because of the unknown, the stigma, the pop-culture portrayal of mental health, the implications about your identity / role / function, etc).
If it helps, here is why I do NOT think your doctor will lie to you:
# As a general rule, doctors lean heavily towards altruism (service is in their nature) and adhere to a strict code of ethics (including to help & not harm). No person or profession is perfect, but the odds are in your favor here.
# The internet seems to think doctors are getting rich (tangent – a primary care physician has the same lifetime average salary as a public school teacher; sure, specialists can make more, but nobody smart enough to go into medicine does so just for the money, which is much better elsewhere). Specifically, people think doctors are getting rich by prescribing / schilling for pharmaceutical companies. I’m not saying it couldn’t happen, but I’ve never ever ever heard of a doctor getting paid to prescribe – it would be a glaring conflict of interests and ethical violation. In the US model, doctors tend to get paid in some combination of the following: salary (by the year), capitation (by the number of names on a list), or by the service provided (eg 60min therapy & med management, removal of mole, etc).
# A doctor has no financial incentive to prescribe anything. They prescribe to prevent or relieve illness (or in some cases to decrease risk of bad outcome / mitigate liability). Unethical doctors might give someone what they want so they will keep coming back or kick-up less trouble (not cool). I don’t imagine anyone will push meds if you don’t want them, unless for some reason you are an imminent danger to yourself or others.
Hope that helps demystify the process a bit!
The only reason to feel guilty about having sex in a bathroom is because you hogged the bathroom when people need to pee.
I was afraid of going on anti-depressants, once. I’ve been on a half dozen of them by now, of varying dosages for varying lengths of time. None of them ever did me ANY good. I even switched doctors to one who believed me when I said I had trouble breathing, and low energy. I would get these panic attacks where I felt like the world was ending and I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. She did everything by the book; asthma and COPD tests, chest X-ray, blood tests, and when there appeared to be no reason why I would have trouble breathing, she talked to be about how anti-anxiety meds have come a long way in the last five years. I still didn’t want to get on any more medications, though.
Six months later I was diagnosed with a brain tumor.
So here’s my $0.02 on antidepressants:
-they help a lot of people
-they have an unfair stigma
-they also have a fair stigma: they ARE mostly scientifically unproven
-don’t ignore your instincts when you think something’s wrong
-if your doctor tells you to get an MRI, always get it, even if you don’t want to pay the deductible and you think it’ll be a waste of time. I almost didn’t get the MRI that detected the tumor and I don’t know how long I would have lived if it wasn’t removed.
So that’s me. A single datum. Take it for what you will.
How can you change how to chose your friends and people you trust?