I spent the night with someone. Before we went to bed, I said I was going to get some condoms. She said that I didn’t have to worry, because she takes pills. I’m right now a bit restless about it. How can I tactfully ask her if she does indeed take them?
You can’t. Now you have to spend an entire month in a constant state of anxiety praying to a god that doesn’t exist that this sloppy bitch gets her next period. That’s what you get for being an idiot.
I went out dancing last night with some friends, took molly and then took home a friend of a friend of a friend and had sex with him. Found out this morning he is married, and apparently my friend told me that last night but I have zero memory of this. Why do I feel so shitty?
Because you got messy and fucked a married man.
Can a straight white cis man be slut shamed?
Absolutely. Straight white cis men constantly shame each other for having sex with fat and/or ugly women, which is a particularly abhorrent form of slut shaming unique to them.
What’s the best way to start over after you’ve run your life into the ground?
Change your patterns.
Could you ever be in a monogamous relationship again?
I could do monogamy for a year or two, but it would be an examined and thoughtful version of monogamy in the larger context of a long term relationship with a like-minded partner.
What’s your average refractory period for falling in love?
About two years, give or take.
What’s the most dismal state you’ve ever visited?
I’d love to participate in the comments of your posts, but there’s no way I’d ever give you my email address.
Put in a fake email address. Duh.
50 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice”
I just got dumped by a guy who, prior to the breakup, wanted me to leave the East Coast and join him in Oklahoma. Thank you.
Having driven most of the country, I think it’s a toss up between Oklahoma and Kansas.
What is it about them?
I’ve been through all fifty states and stayed for a reasonable time (few weeks) in almost all of them. South Dakota, Nebraska, Iowa, Oklahoma, and Kansas are pretty interchangeable. At least Oklahoma has some streams for tubing. You guys need to take a good look at the most exciting place in South Dakota…
No really…check out this thrilltastic live feed.
What looks like an amazingly ornate shrine to commercial farming is actually a high school gymnasium. GIVE UP HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER.
South Dakota isn’t where dreams go to die…it’s where dreams never lived.
The terrifying thing about South Dakota is that you realize that it doesn’t have to be southern to be racist.
Oh, and the Dakotas get winter, Oklahoma, not so much.
So the question is does “worst” mean “empty husk” or “racist cesspool?”
I have been reading the comments and really have to say – contraceptives do not protect you or your partner from STDs.
Careful out there.
You goddamn idiot, yes they do. Of course they do. Putting on a condom does wonders for what your dick touches. Now it can’t protect your face, but then maybe you shouldn’t be mashing your face against strange herpes.
What kind of stupid shit would make you say that.
It’s the kind of crap that makes parents say yes to every vaccine except the one that prevents ovarian cancer.
In regards to the raw-dogger, what are people’s opinions on contraception / STD prevention? I currently have an IUD and do not wear a condom with the dude I’m humping, BUT we are not dating (that I know of.) On the spectrum of risky sexual behavior, I’d like to be reminded where I stand.
I’m feeling like it is necessary to have a candid conversation with your sexual partner about this all before anything goes down, and if you can’t, y’all shouldn’t be having sex in the first place. (One-night stands are always a crap shoot though, I agree that boy shoulda wrapped it up!)
side bar: my profile picture is perfect for me, it really exemplifies my dweebiness
Have you and your partner had a conversation about getting tested?
Oh, absolutely. I have been negative. But now that I’m thinking about it, I haven’t asked him again since we first started hooking up (protected), nor have I been re-tested. I should definitely revisit that conversation & might as well get checked again myself.
Definitely do this.
My opinion is the rawdog is a boyfriend privilege. I can’t imagine agreeing to that with someone I’m not exclusive with. Even then, I’m asking questions first.
So here’s a question that entered my mind; Does a woman lying about contraception absolve him of responsibility?
If you wave someone into traffic, it’s legally your fault. If you tell someone something is safe and they are injured, it’s your fault.
My gut reaction is “fuck off bitch, your problem now.”
My emotional reaction is more like, “omg, I can’t believe I trusted you, what are we going to do, and why would you lie?”
If they end up producing a kid, then yes, legally he is still responsible. Courts try to make decisions based on the best interests of the child.
“If you wave someone into traffic, it’s legally your fault. If you tell someone something is safe and they are injured, it’s your fault.”
Neither of those things are true.
If your (attempted) point is about child support, understand that child support is for the child. It’s not some sort of reward for the mother.
This is what I’ve been told. It may not be true in every case. But just be real for a minute. If you tell someone something is safe…you’re fuckin responsible.
Not all states, m’lady. Trust me, I ate a T-boning during Houston morning traffic despite being waved in by 3 cars. It was the 4th zooming along that decided differently, and Texas state laws place 100% fault on either party.
Why do people assume that women lie about contraception? If she gets pregnant, it’ll probably be because oral birth control is not 100% effective. Even if she did lie, he’d be just as responsible as her because neither one made any effort to prevent the pregnancy despite knowing the risk.
People who assume that women lie about contraception have trust issues or issues with women in general.
I don’t think we need to assume…this is schroedingers contraception here. She both lied and didn’t lie until we know differently.
Because it has happened and will again
I figured it out without the noise.
He’s logistically responsible but not morally responsible. In the case of a court, it’s this logistic responsibility that forces him to pay. Morally speaking, she should bear the consequences. But what woman who lies about contraception is that upright? In the event that it turned out to be an accident, joint responsibility is appropriate up to the point where it’s her final decision on the matter.
No, he is morally responsible as well. Anyone who thinks that birth control is the responsibility of women and he doesn’t have to worry about it is just as responsible for the outcome.
I think we’re splitting hairs here, because there are other reasons to wear a condom than just pregnancy.
@Number 1. Man! First: that’s one of the reason (the most selfish one) men should take responsibility for contraception and not systematically shed the burden on women’s shoulders. Second: who the fuck in the 21st century still only worry about pregnancy with no regard for ISTs? You meet a partner who shirks condoms for a first sexual encounter, you better suit up twice as fast rather than think this is your lucky day…
Exactly. I wonder if he’s itching yet.
I’m a woman, and I fully squicked out when a guy asked me if we “needed condoms.” Um, fuck yeah, and I almost told him to leave. I don’t need some gangrene dick infecting my pristine pussy, thanks much.
haha. in gangrene an STD? :))
I’m thinking I won’t type that into google to check 🙂
it’s not. don’t be ignorant 🙂
“Straight white cis men constantly shame each other for having sex with fat and/or ugly women, which is a particularly abhorrent form of slut shaming unique to them.”
But ultimately, isn’t it still the woman who’s really being judged and shamed (for being fat and/or ugly)? Just less directly.
No one is free until we’re all free.
We are in some dangerously tacky waters here.
I meant like, men who are slut shamed are not in the same unfreedom boat as women who are socially untouchable because of their fatness or ugliness and drawing equivalencies there is unjust.
I don’t think the gender matters if there are social costs for personal consenting pleasure.
Male sexuality: it is volatile, base and predatory, and at the same time it’s sad and creepy if it is not pursued at all times, or if men fail in it(see any article on male masturbatory aids).
Female sexuality: it is something deeply desirable and it needs to be available and on display constantly, but don’t you dare give it out too cheaply.
This is a broad estimate, and probably varies per subculture and region, but it’s an indication of how deeply contradictory views on sexuality are.
I think the men are being slut shamed, the women are just oppressed.
Yeah, the men are being shamed for wanting sex enough to have it with “unattractive” women.
Okay, I’m confused. I thought that slut shaming had to do with how much someone enjoys sex, how many partners they’ve had, etc.
It’s also about who you have sex with.
So…not even falling in love can make you monogamous?
Say it with me now, monogamy and fidelity are not the same thing.
It begs to be repeated.
The attractiveness of the partner is perceived as an indicator of status. I think this might be the root of the shame. Women do not face the same dynamic because redeeming attributes excuse unattractive men more readily than they do unattractive women.
I agree with this completely. Nowadays in douchebag jargon “fat” and “trashy” seem to go hand in hand. A skinny girl can wear a “trashy” outfit and still pull it off as a “look.” I’ve never met a man argue with another that he should give a fat girl a chance because she has a great personality, but I’ve heard this annoying shit from my own girl friends about ugly guys for years now.
I’m the guy who asked Question Number 1. Your comments have been elucidating (in a positive way). I’ve asked Coquette a couple of times stuff, and this is the second one where she has answered. I would like to add a little bit of context to my question, if possible. However, allow me first say a couple of things.
We both are STD free. We are in an open relationship. I think that she sleeps with others a couple of nights every week; for all practical purposes, I am monogamous. I am not worried about STD’s because we met when we were studying nursing, and we know what we are dealing with. So we get constant health checks. No one wants a nasty infection, especially those who have to treat them.
I do not know enough about law to tell you what my exact share of responsibility would be in a hypothetical pregnancy (more about that in a moment). However, I do know a thing or two about absentee fathers –both my biological and step-ones weren’t at home for most of the time I lived in my mother’s house. Women have to deal almost-totally with the biological-psychological process of pregnancy and motherhood, while us men live in a system where it is VERY easy to just leave.
In a hypothetical pregnancy, I would be responsible for that child. Legally, the relationship with my partner might change into marriage or end altogether; nevertheless, that is somewhat irrelevant to the child you (in this case, me) would hypothetically father.
When I asked Coquette for an answer, I said I was looking for advice on how to ask her tactfully if she had taken pills. Recently she had to change her shift into another time-slot and her flatmate is about to move out of town, so my partner’s flat is very messy, along with her mind at the moment (a couple of nights ago she poured salt in the coffee; I told her about it; she said that she was going to get some pepper to fix it). Rocketgrunt, no, I didn’t assume that she lied about contraception (and I don’t think that women do so categorically –if someone lies about contraception, that person, regardless of gender, should be handled by professionals); Nina, maybe I do have trust issues overall (no irony or sarcasm involved; it’s painful and I am doing my best to believe in people more [hence me ANSWERING Internet comments]). Coquette said that there is no tactful way to ask this question. In retrospective, Uh-DUH!, obviously! I do not have the nerve to spend a month in anguish, so I just straight-up called her and asked directly something along the lines of “Hi! Sorry to bother you, Can you tell me if you took your pills after Saturday?, Well, because I’ve been a little restless; See…
She did take them. No child is nearby. That doesn’t mean that I won’t have a condom handy from now onwards.
I’m glad to see you talked to her and everything got ironed out. My comment about trust issues wasn’t really directed at you, it was to that one commenter who jumped on the idea like an MRA.
What a pleasantly simple resolution.
Haha I asked the dismal state question hoping it might be Ohio. I’ve lived here my whole life so I can’t really speak to the other 49 states but I know that dismal is a pretty good word to describe this fucking place. Interestingly enough, the city where I live apparently has the most stop signs in the continental US.