Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

If I’m in an open relationship and my primary partner knows my secondary partner but the secondary partner has no clue, is it cheating?
It depends on the terms of your secondary relationship. Is your secondary partner owed a clue? If so, you’re being emotionally dishonest. If not, you’re still keeping secrets. Either way, you shouldn’t toy with your secondary partners. Be respectful.

Every time I socialize for more than 3 hours, I’ll come home exhausted. Is this normal? How can I train myself to have more stamina? Thanks.
It’s perfectly normal for an introvert. Pay attention to what kinds of social interactions are most draining. Learn how to modify those interactions. Don’t be afraid to excuse yourself intermittently for five minute breaks where you find a quiet spot to reflect and recharge.

How do I date my best friend?
Carefully, only once, and with the full knowledge that it could easily destroy the relationship.

A lot of people come to you when they’re suicidal; why don’t you just let them kill themselves?
Because they’re not asking me to help them die. They’re asking me to help them live.

When will this heartbreak stop hurting?
Late February/Early March.

There is a war coming towards us and I am frightened.
That’s what they want you to think, and that’s what they want you to feel.

My father is dying. I just want someone to tell me it will all be okay.
It will, but your father dying will also permanently alter your meaning of okay. This process is going to change you. Don’t be afraid of it, and do your best not to shrink away from the painful and difficult parts.

Do you ever choose not to answer someone’s question because they seem close to figuring it out for themselves?
Sure. I get questions all the time where people finish off by saying, “Oh wait, I think I just figured it out for myself.” Just typing it all out seems to help people tremendously.

Could your life be turned into a film?
Anyone’s life could be turned into a film.


15 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. chris says:

    Ooh, that answer about being introverted is pretty helpful for me, too. The most exhausting interactions (for me) are the ones where the person you’re talking with isn’t actually engaged and listening to you, they’re clearly just reciting a script in their heads. Wonder how I can change those interactions.

    • KK says:

      I know these blabbermouths. I found two ways to deal with them:
      Either don’t stay in these conversations or don’t hang out with people who do this or
      lead the conversation. When they start their monolog, summarize what they say/said in a couple of words. If you donn’t want to hear what they say, interrupt start with another topic or story.

    • Kelly says:

      Recognize that there’s something freeing in this. Because he has a script and isn’t particularly engaged, you have a lot of leeway to mentally disengage without him noticing.

  2. Laura says:

    Ugh, I’m an introvert too. What do I do when I live in a share house? I’ve just moved to a new city and have to share with strangers. I make my self go to the communal area for 2 hours each evening but it is so draining! Then I feel paranoid that I am being anti-social for the rest of the night.

    • A Dood says:

      The key thing here is why do you care so much about what the others think. I wouldn’t force myself to be so social. If i want to be alone i’d go do that. If they ask you why you’re not as social, just politely explain to them you’re an introvert and you like to be alone at times to recharge. Whether they’ll then respect your wishes is a different matter.

      I’m pretty anti-social and i’ve just accepted it. I still get out from time to time but its always on my terms.

    • Mel says:

      Two hours a night is impressive. I live with good friends and still find socialising every evening difficult! The thing I’ve tried to tell myself about being introverted is that it’s OK to need space, everyone’s needs are different and any reasonable person will (hopefully) respect that. An evening of guilt-free alone time is bound to leave you more energised than an evening of worry/guilt.

    • WilhelminaMildew says:

      Honestly, I would just do what felt comfortable for me and not worry about what anyone else thought. Spending two hours a night trying to be social with housemates would make me insane. I don’t even spend that much time with my husband. We have two roommates who are also introverts and sometimes days go by without anyone getting a glimpse of each other.

  3. Bee says:

    How do you articulate what it means when someone is “emotionally dishonest” with you? I’ve tried to explain the idea of emotional dishonesty before, but it’s not easy.

    • Skylar says:

      I’d say not necessarily outright lying, but not acting in an honest way nonetheless. In this case it looks like OP isn’t actively lying to their secondary partner, but they are omitting the truth about their primary relationship. The problem in this situation is that presumably this secondary partner assumes they are in a primary relationship with OP. Maybe it’s still an open relationship, but it is possible that they are more emotionally invested than OP/they perceive the relationship as being more important or meaningful than it is. In any relationship this type of deception won’t really end well.

  4. JustThisGirl says:

    If your life *were* turned into a film, who would you want to play you? (This is for Coke, but I’m interested in everyone’s answers. I’d want Kate Hudson, preop, or Charlize Theron)

    • Charlene says:

      I think she answered this before either in her blog or here that Amy Adams would play her if her life were made into a film.

      As for me, I don’t know. I can’t think of an Asian actresses in her mid 20s who I think would play me well.

    • WilhelminaMildew says:

      I have no clue, it would have to be an actress or comedian who is nearly 6′ tall and good at physical comedy. Because I am a living breathing walking pratfall.

  5. Strangely Rational says:

    “why don’t you just let them kill themselves?”

    That’s an odd question. When has Coquette forced anyone to stay alive?

  6. Strangely Rational says:

    I dated and then married my best friend. We are now divorced and, while civil for the sake of the kids, not likely ever to have our friendship back. If I could have one thing to do over, we would have remained friends.

    There’s this idea that best friends make the best lovers, but that’s not always true. You have to ask why you’ve been friends and haven’t “converted” the relationship yet.

    I let myself get involved with my friend because I wasn’t having any luck dating, he was interested, and we had a lot of the same interests and really enjoyed spending time together. Plus that whole “it’s best to be friends first” nonsense. The strong feelings were just from the novelty/”forbidden” aspect of it. By the time that wore off, we were married. We never had the right chemistry, rarely had sex, and wound up feeling like roommates. But I couldn’t justify getting divorced to a great guy who had done nothing wrong. Eventually, I did, but it took 12 years to get there.

    Now I’m married to my first love, a man with whom I could never possibly be just friends. Too much great chemistry and desire, and too much connection on a deep level. It’s much, much better for me.

    Of course, the friends-first thing can work great for some people too.

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