Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Do you have an opinion about transcendental meditation?
If meditation is like spiritual exercise, then transcendental meditation is like spiritual Crossfit. It’s basically the same thing, but it costs a lot more, it’s slightly cultish, and people who do it talk about it constantly.

Why don’t my romantic partners fall in love with me?
Because you need them to.

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t consider dating my boyfriend of four years if I found him online. Does that speak more to my relationship or to online dating?
It speaks to your complacency after four years.

Should I date the man who I know would love and support me no matter what? Or the one that makes me want to be a better version of myself?
It depends on what your current needs are. If you don’t know what you need, here’s a thought exercise: Imagine the person you want to be in five years. Which of these two men would that person rather have as an ex?

We all know life goes faster as you get older, but I keep having brief periods of mild depression or anxiety where time seems to speed up for a little while and then slow down again. Additionally, my perception of future events becomes warped, so “five years from now” suddenly feels like “two years from now”. What’s up with that?
Yeah, that’s a thing that happens. Time perception is a subjective experience that can absolutely shift based on emotional states such as depression or anxiety. It’s fascinating stuff, actually. If you want to play with it a bit, try meditation. That’s your quickest route to having some kind of control over it.

Is your Twitter photo of you? I now have a new image of you in my head.
It’s not me. For those of you who missed it before, my new avatar is Amal Clooney. (It was time to move on from 2007 era Britney.)

So can a “former crush” ever become an active crush for you again if the time is right, or is it gone forever?
My former crush and I are going to be working closely together for at least the next eighteen months, so who the fuck knows? I promise to keep you updated on any juicy complications.

I’m sure you get this one all the time, but if you put Dear Coquette between hard covers I would buy the shit out of it many times over. You’re the best.
Stay tuned.


10 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. Lotcal says:

    To the ‘online dater’: I think it speaks more to the difference between how we see ourselves and how others see us. I don’t think I would pick my partner of 7 years based on an online profile. Purely because I know what he would put in it and those traits/interests aren’t actually what I am attracted to.

    • daisy says:

      I think I know what you mean – I’m sure the traits I emphasize in online profiles aren’t necessarily those that draw people to me in real life.

    • Strangely Rational says:

      The one who would love and support me the way I am.

      I will be a better version of myself when I come to accept that I’m worth it. I don’t believe it’s healthy – or terribly effective – to rely on someone else to provide the motivation.

      ETA: I’ve tried making myself better for someone else many times. It always wound up involving things like improving my external appearance, developing more impressive interests, being quiet and sweet instead of loud and passionate, etc. It took a long time for me to realize that it wasn’t about improving myself for my own satisfaction. It was about trying to become what I thought the guy in question would be more likely to want.

      • J Lynn says:

        Those three things, YES: ” … things like improving my external appearance, developing more impressive interests, being quiet and sweet instead of loud and passionate …”

        Your list, SR, especially “quiet and sweet” reminded me of a relationship’s ending that’s always bothered me. Not long ago I had a guy who, when dumping me after a four-year relationship, said, “I really respect and admire you for your feminist principles, but I guess I want someone who’s more sweet and demure.”

        Sweet and demure??!! Could he have picked a more loaded phrase? I was deeply in love at the time, and I was honestly surprised and unnerved to hear this. Until that moment, he hadn’t seemed in any obvious way conservative and traditional. In fact he called himself a feminist, if you can believe it. I’m fairly outspoken, and of course I am a feminist, but I’m not rigidly doctrinaire on that or any political issue. And while “demure” is one thing I don’t care to be, tossing “sweet” in there made it sound like an accusation that I hadn’t been kind and loving, which I certainly was most of the time. It hurt.

        I was still in love but this comment made me so mad. Like, fuck, fuck, fuck your sugar and spice, dude.

        As for the OP, the only real answer is “it depends.” Their “better version of myself” may have meant things like drinking less, making goals, etc., while “no matter what” might mean an accommodating co-dependent. But assuming that “love and support” doesn’t mean enabling or isn’t predicated on unchanging complacency [a Jim-and-Pam type thing] or settling down too soon, I’d personally veer toward the “love and support” guy. You can get inspiration and challenge from your friends and colleagues, plus you can challenge yourself; meanwhile, it’s nice to have a secure, accepting attachment in a primary relationship. BUT, it depends on the person, your needs at this point in life, etc. I like how Coke’s reply pointed out that you’re probably not choosing some “happily ever after” wish-fulfiller, more likely simply your companion for the next while.

  2. JC says:

    “Imagine the person you want to be in five years. Which of these two men would that person rather have as an ex?”

    Quotes like this are why I keep coming back here 🙂

  3. Datdamwuf says:

    Love your description of TM, I tried it in the aftermath of trauma because I I could not meditate the way I knew how. It helped though the “rites” they use to teach you are obviously meant to invoke mysticism. I don’t practice the “right” way (according to instructions) but I do find it useful. I was surprised you didn’t dismiss it out of hand, glad too.

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