Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Was Amber Rose’s tweet about Kanye liking assplay homophobic and super awful? I feel like its small change compared to his whorephobia and misogyny but I’m afraid I’m biased.
Weigh in please.

It’s a fine line, but these days I think it’s a stretch to call that tweet homophobic. Her reply was definitely an attempt at emasculation, but I interpreted it as an assertion of sexual dominance, not an accusation of homosexuality. After all, the hashtag was #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch, not #FingersInTheBootyAssFaggot. Admittedly, the type of toxic masculinity that is emasculated by sexual dominance is the same type of toxic masculinity that equates assplay with homosexuality, which is why I say it’s a fine line. Still, that’s not on Amber Rose.

I’m happy again and I’m really afraid something is going to happen.
You may be in a happy place, but you’re not nearly as happy as you could be, because you haven’t gotten rid of your underlying anxiety. All you’ve done is shifted it into the future. Well, guess what? Something is going to happen. Eventually, life will come along and kick your ass. The trick is to let that be okay. An even better trick is to also let it be okay whenever it happens. I don’t mean roll over and take it. I just mean accept the inevitability of it. I know it’s easier said than done, but that kind of acceptance is the antidote to anxiety.

What’s the cutoff date for being with someone you’re not in love with? Where’s the line?
You gotta draw your own lines, but being in love isn’t a binary state. It’s fluid and messy and emulsified with all kinds of other emotions. If you’re in a relationship where too many of your physical, mental, and emotional needs aren’t being met, ask yourself, is it possible that they ever could be? If so, would it be worth the effort? They are tough questions, but if you can answer them honestly, then the day you’re absolutely sure that your answer is a firm no, you’ve found your cutoff date.

I’m at a university that has a much larger male population. I have my pick of guys, he has virtually no chance with anyone else. How do we deal with this power imbalance?
In a healthy relationship, that wouldn’t create a power imbalance. It only creates a power imbalance if one of you uses it as emotional leverage, and that would be a pretty strong indicator of something unhealthy. You asked this question because it’s obviously come up, but I don’t know whether he’s wielding it as a source of insecurity or you’re wielding it as an excuse to take him for granted. Either way, you two better button that shit up, or it’s gonna be the thing that ends the relationship.

Wait, so what is the difference between overfunctioning and underfunctioning relationships?
No, I wasn’t clear on that. An overfunctioning/underfunctioning relationship is a type of relationship in which one partner overfunctions and the other partner underfunctions. Think of it as being lopsided, but also reciprocal. One partner usually gets blamed for being dysfunctional, but it’s really both of them together who cause the dynamic.

I got pulled over for speeding and the cop let me off with a with a warning but gave me a ticket for not having a seatbelt on. I took the seatbelt off after I got pulled over. I should be happy that I got off on the speeding, but why does the seatbelt ticket bother me so much?
Think of it this way, if you hadn’t taken off your seatbelt, the cop would have written you up for speeding. You were gonna get a ticket no matter what. It’s not that he let you off with a warning so much as he wrote you up for the violation with the least likelihood of him having to show up for traffic court. (If you have the time, contest the violation. Fuck the police.)

I’m aware that I’m being manipulated but in the face of sad puppy eyes and other various circumstances I seem to let it happen. How do I build up my sad puppy defenses? This same person manipulates everyone else I know and it’s infuriating. No one seems to be immune.
This is one of those times when it’s smart to use your temper. (Don’t lose your temper. Just use it.) Train yourself to get a little angry when you’re being manipulated. That’s the best defense against sad puppy eyes. (You’ll get a bratty reaction, but if the manipulation no longer works, it will quickly stop.)

At what point do complementary personalities in a relationship become incompatible personalities?
When the things you have in common form dysfunctional patterns of behavior.

How do I stop craving Chinese food?
I find the quickest way is to eat some Chinese food.

My pride says no and my curiosity says yes. What do you say?
Let your conscience be the tie-breaker. (I am not your fucking conscience.)

If you’re all about killing your ego, why do you refer to yourself as a guru?
Because my ego isn’t dead, and it has a very dry sense of humor.

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23 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. UnderTheGun says:

    It’s a good answer [ cutoff date. ] but that seems like a serious question: can you be with someone you don’t love but care deeply about and satisfies most of your needs bar passion/butterflies ? Should one? Anyone?

    • The Coquette says:

      Depends on your stage in life. Also, I can’t tell if you’re making a distinction between “love” and “in love.” The asker specifically said “in love,” and that’s a totally different set of criteria than “love.”

      • UnderTheGun says:

        I do make the distinction. And for me, it is this: I have never been in love with, nor do I love this person. But I care a lot and have a lot of fun with.

        I guess at this stage of my life [ mid 30s ] I did find a good person and rolling the dice on love seems silly. Still, I wonder.

        Thanks!

      • R says:

        Dude, relax. New readers typically don’t read the entire blog before their first comment. There’s no need to be rude, especially when Coke clearly doesn’t mind.

        • Barefootsie says:

          I have to agree with R up there. Also keep in mind that there are a lot of teens that come across this advice column – swearing at someone for not reading the entire catalogue before asking a question (likely for the first time) isn’t really helpful.

          • CynicalGrey says:

            Plus the additional nuance is helpful for those of us who have been reading since tumblr days. I certainly don’t mind rereading something I might have forgotten.

      • Barefootsie says:

        So many people are commenting on your typos I wonder if your work is being read for the content itself! They certainly take up a good chunk of the comments section. 😉 (This is a joke, folks, before people get annoyed/offended.)

        • plop says:

          We notice because we hang onto her every word, read slowly and savor it. Then comment because she asked us to. I’ve been reading for over six years now, and I’ve seen maybe six typos in that time.

          • Barefootsie says:

            I know, dude – I’m cut from the same cloth (long-time reader, notice the typos rarely, etc.) Again, twas just a joke. 🙂

  2. plop says:

    I read Amber’s tweet as “we were lovers, we were intimate, we trusted each other… now you’re all over a public platform slut-shaming me and talking crazy crap about my toddler. Well take this, you hateful clown, and watch how I can own YOU with one sentence.”
    If anything she’s exposing his homophobia, while replying to his general shitnes.

  3. The Derpy Bear says:

    As someone that has been manipulated by someone several times, I can say the temper thing works. Manipulative people are relentless, especially the one’s that were spoiled brats growing up. It takes practice and you just have to be assertive and keep saying no.

  4. Nina says:

    About the question from the university student. The guy only has limited dating options if he’s specifically looking for women who go to his school. While I know university can be a great way to meet people, there is a whole world outside of school.

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