Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

You’ve mentioned skipping boys and dating men before. What makes a man and not a boy?

Do all dudes cheat?

I think for my birthday, as a gift to myself, I will give up on being loved. How do I put a ribbon on that?
No. Happy Birthday, but no. Do not give up on being loved. That is not a gift. Letting go is a gift. Acceptance is a gift. Giving up is not. There is a difference.

I can sleep with her again. As long as her husband gets to watch. It will make me nervous but I think I’m okay with this?
Yeah, I’ve been there. It can be a little weird if all he does is watch, so make sure it’s clear ahead of time if, how, and what the husband gets to touch. Also, make sure he knows the cardinal rule: this is about pleasure for you and his wife. His pleasure is a distant third. (I’m assuming you’re a woman, but if you’re a man and her husband is into the whole cuckolding thing, then I suppose the same rules apply.)

I am not fond of Amy Schumer. A lot of my friends love her but I just really don’t like her. What am I missing?
You’re not missing a thing. Her sketches were genuinely funny and culturally on point for a hot minute in 2014, but that kind of thing isn’t sustainable, and she’s still trying to cash in on the same basic joke about white girl mediocrity, which has grown both problematic and stale as fuck.

Would love to hear your thoughts on Tony Robbins. Was surprisingly moved by the documentary, but something didn’t quite sit right with me. Maybe it was just his outdated views on masculinity?
Yeah, it was a great documentary. What bothered you was all the brainwashing. Tony Robbins is basically a charismatic cult leader who uses pop psychology to achieve prosocial results rather than religion to achieve antisocial results. He’s using his powers for good instead of evil, but it’s still kinda creepy.

If I had a breakdown at 17, does that mean I’m exempt from a mid life crisis? Or have I got that to look forward to too?
A breakdown isn’t the same as an existential crisis, and having one doesn’t exempt you from the other.

Can you please tell me that everything will be okay?
Nope. Everything is okay. Right now. That’s all that exists. There is no will be.

We’ve been together 2 years and he still seems “too good to be true”, should I “listen to my gut” or is this just love? My brain is so fucky I side-eye anything remotely positive these days.
That’s not your gut talking. It’s your anxiety. Chill the fuck out and enjoy your boyfriend.

I’m dating a jerk. I know he’s a jerk, but I’m lonely and don’t know many people in this city. At least, that’s how I justify it. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you. You’re lonely, so you’re dating a jerk. It happens. I suggest you dump his ass and put some energy into meeting new people. Go ahead. Do it. You’ll be much happier.


49 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

  1. PD says:

    Would anyone be nice enough to elaborate on number three? Accept not being loved and let go of not being loved? Or am I getting the words wrong?

      • Jess says:

        But surely a person is motivated to change *because* they don’t accept current circumstances? If I stopped caring that something was crap, I’d have no desire to change it, which is, I’m told the definition of ‘giving up’.

        I have never understood this.

  2. Lin says:

    I find Amy Schumer chronically unfunny and yet she seems to only gain popularity.

    Question, though: in what way has her material grown “problematic”?

    • VeryOn says:

      My guess is that “liberated cute hot mess” is played out. The frame is one of a person who isn’t growing. Thus, it seems like a dead end shtick. It’s the same reason stoner humor gets stale. Being childish is only benign for a while.

        • tessa says:

          One article put it bluntly that it’s like she targets a white audience at the expense of other races. She does outdated stereotype jokes on races or gender and it just feels aggressive coming from this obviously privileged blonde woman. It doesn’t seem like she’s out to shed light on any real issues, but just profit off of them. That’s my take at least- she has no take away of depth unlike some of the really great comedians out there.

    • Kittyninja says:

      Because CT expects more of Amy (as do I). She is somewhat lazy and borrows material while also playing on this white-girl-that-can’t-get-her-shit-together game that has gotten old. Like that’s cute, but dated in the delivery. She has potential to grow if she works on her material to be more relevant. Amy still has great timing and vocal delivery.

      • HMM says:

        I was unaware of the Tig stuff. Schumer has seemed like a try hard in the past few years, and her relationship to Dunham has made her seem more like the poster child for white feminism–but the Tig Notaro thing just makes it all creepy.

      • Lin says:

        Yikes. Of course Lena Dunham’s name would turn up in this.

        I actually hadn’t known that Schumer was involved in that whole mess. But that’s more or less the sort of wince-inducing airheaded gaffs I would expect from thirty-somethings who have built their brand around being “#relatable”.

  3. Daffodil says:

    On two years and too good to be true – are you seeing red flags (or even hints of things about his behavior that worry you), or is it existential ‘this can’t be right’? If it’s the first, start paying careful attention. If it’s the second, time to work on that anxiety. I once almost broke up with my boyfriend because of a med change that sent my anxiety into a spiral – there was absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship that I could point at, I wasn’t even ‘unhappy for no reason’ (which usually has a reason, once you’re ready to see it), I was just trying to hide from everything and everyone. We’ve now been married for seven years and are very happy, so I’m glad I figured that one out before doing anything drastic.

  4. newishgirl says:

    Any other tips on recognizing a man, preferably early on? There aren’t always circumstances in which accountability is evident.

    • coskel says:

      Look at how he behaves towards other people.
      – his family, friends, co-workers. People he doesn’t know.

      People always use waiters/waitresses as the example here, but anyone will do.

      Does he pay his own bills? If he’s unemployed, is he actively looking for work/studying a new career/inventing/investing/volunteering?

      If he has any kind of physical or mental illness, is he working within it to make his life the best it can be within those parameters? (or for some, pushing past those parameters?

      Is he accountable to himself and to others?

      • The Coquette says:

        A boy can be just as good with kids and animals as a man. Obviously you want a kind and compassionate person, but kindness and compassion don’t necessarily speak to maturity.

    • RocketGrunt says:

      As a girl in her mid-twenties, I’ve had a lot of success finding men by going for slightly older, well-dressed guys who are straightforward about their interest in me.

      • WhoAmI says:

        Last man fitting your description I had something with tried to ruin my current relationship by spreading nasty gossip about me all around the city. Tried to guilt me into cheating on my boyfriend with him, too. I mean, I thought he was a lovely man and a perfect fuckbuddy, that is until he realised he couldn’t fuck me anymore.

  5. LIVVID says:

    Dating a Jerk: I took the plunge and it was worth it. Deleted his number. Hung out with people a decade older than me at Meetups I found online. It was weird, a total mixed bag, but I got plenty of good hiking trips and wine tasting out of it, met a few cool people, hell even got some good networking out of it. Slowly but surely I found shaky groove that didn’t involve him.

    It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

  6. Anneline says:

    The best energy to use for meeting new people is the newly freed up energy you were using on a relationship with a jerk. I wish lonely LW the best of luck.

    • coskel says:

      CQ said ” Do not give up on being loved”

      Big difference.

      And its true, you can’t force people to love you, because for them love takes many different forms and measures, which may not be the same as yours.

    • GaveUp says:

      Being loved requires effort either way. To be loved, you need to be in a position to be loved. You need to pick up your phone, you need to reach out, you need to take some basic care of yourself, etc. I found that relegating myself to a cycle of work, sleep, and brain death was a highly effective way to remove everybody from my life.

      • Definitely Not Batman says:

        I’ve found that people like to dangle a relationship in front of each other’s faces without actually wanting to have one. And here I even mean friends, not anything romantic. They feign interest out of politeness or whatever and then when a person reaches back, they shut it down. It’s exhausting. It’s happened to me, and it’s happening all around me. I mean I know we have to keep trying, but it sucks. Why are people so afraid?

  7. Chris says:

    Re: “Do all dudes cheat?”

    Been married since I’m 22 and have had plenty of opportunities, but it’s not worth ruining my kids’ lives, or my marriage over.

      • Chris says:

        Haha, definitely not. I do it for me. I enjoy being married, and love being with my wife. I also take pride and get pleasure from being a good model to my girls of what a man should be. After all, they’re likely to repeat this process.

        Having said that, over the past year I’ve gained some weight and said to my wife last night, “I don’t get how you can be attracted to me,” (our sex life is about the same as it’s ever been, given what time we have), and she said she felt the same way – meaning, how can I still be on her all the time.

        Part of it is that she’s the only one I “get” to have sex with. It would be like if chicken and rice was the only meal you could have. In the beginning it’s like, ‘oh shit! This is so fucking delicious. I could eat this twice a day for the rest of my life.’ Fast forward 15 years and 4 kids, and I still get hungry, but sometimes I need to add a little hot sauce, or maybe get a whiff of the skirt steak that I saw at a party.

        But, generally, she’s the one I chose, and continue to choose. And she’s everything I could ever expect from a wife and partner.

  8. HMM says:

    Almost everyone I know has been involved in a cheating type betrayal of some sorts–maybe it’s the company I keep, but I tend to think it’s more that at large, people fuck up, gender aside.

    • RocketGrunt says:

      I feel like it’s the company you keep. I had one friend who was cheated on by almost every guy she dated, but most other people I’m friends with have never cheated or been cheated on.

      • HMM says:

        Have you ever cheated? I felt the same way until I did, and in confessing to my friends, they almost wholly revealed that they’ve cheated or been involved in something shady. My friends aren’t shitty people in any other aspects, which is why I’m supposing it’s a lot more people than you might think.

      • WhoAmI says:

        Cheating is that kind of thing you think almost nobody you know has done, but in fact a lot of them have. Like seeing a therapist or doing hard drugs.

        • HMM says:

          Yeah, also I know a huge amount of people who have smoked crack. I think if you give the vibe that a person is gonna think differently of you when you self disclose, they’re probably not going to tell you their dirty secrets.

  9. Pingback: Dear Coquette Offers the Key to Happiness, One 'Coke Talk' at a Time | VICE | Canada

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