Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

What about couples that have good marriages? Is there anything wrong with desiring that kind of special bond with someone without including the children and family portion.
Pair bonding is as human as human gets. Healthy relationships are fucking wonderful. Of course there’s nothing wrong with couplehood, with or without children. You should know this by now. Do what makes you happy.

How do I escape the broken record player of my painful memories?
EMDR.

What makes god more important than me?
Your ego. It’s your sense of self that makes your idea of god more important than you. Kill your ego. Lose your sense of self, and it’s possible to recognize that you and your god and the entire universe are all the same thing.

Which contemporary conservative writers should we be reading? Is anyone making any sense over there anymore?
David Frum has been worth reading lately. Even David Brooks is occasionally getting it right. Of course, it’s only because of all the shit they talk about Trump. Credit where credit is due.

How is Lena Dunham so successful?
She had a good meeting at HBO in 2010, and nobody within earshot has told her to shut the fuck up since.

Was Bill Maher always such a festering boil or is this a new development?
Bill is stuck in the late 90s. He was progressive back then, but he hasn’t told a fresh joke or had a novel idea in two decades. What’s worse is that he still thinks he’s edgy. That’s what makes him so insufferable.

Is your yearly sabbatical a way to purge fair-weather readers?
Nah. I’ve been busy doing major life shit. I’ll be back for real later in the year.

I lost my almost full journal this morning and feel really fucking bad about it, even though all that was in there was personal scribbles and self-reflective stuff. I’m 24 – is this a ridiculous reaction?
You lost a valuable artifact of your own identity. It’s fine to grieve its loss, but if I were you, I would go right out and get a fresh journal and let this be an unintended ritualization of you letting go of your past.

you always have an interesting perspective on things. how much longer do you think the modern nation-state will survive? and what comes next?
The modern nation-state is already old news, and if we manage not to annihilate ourselves, then best case scenario we’ll end up with some kind of post-labor, pre-interstellar transhumanist society. (We’re probably gonna annihilate ourselves though.)

I am beginning to think I was designed to be alone. I want to be ok with that. I don’t think she and I will ever be. We had all the chemistry, but the worst timing.
You were not designed to be alone. No human was. That doesn’t mean you were designed for contemporary Western couplehood, but still, it’s much more likely that you’re conflating chemistry with compatibility.

I went on a second date with a guy I met online. He’s objectively attractive, polite, intelligent, and has a steady job. But I’m just not that into him. I felt ambivalent after the first date, but decided to give it another chance. The conversation still felt forced, even though we’ve been texting back and forth for a few weeks. Also, he’s a decent looking guy, but I found myself unsure about whether I was attracted to him. I felt like we didn’t have a lot of chemistry. I just graduated from law school and am new to online dating. I am used to meeting people in class or at parties and then going out later. Is this normal for online dating or is there something wrong with me that I’m not into a guy who should be “perfect on paper” for me?
You are not attracted to this guy. There is zero chemistry. There’s nothing wrong with him and there’s nothing wrong with you. That’s just how it is, and it’s perfectly normal. The intensity of focus you’ve placed on this question is leftover anxiety from law school. Chill the fuck out, counselor. You’ll find a guy.

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195 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice

    • Pound says:

      It’s actually one of the most extensively researched therapeutic approaches with support from hundreds of case studies and over 20 randomized, controlled studies. It’s also an accepted trauma treatment supported by the American Psychiatric Association, Department of Defense, International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, the World Health Organization, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services, and many other international agencies.

      And it’s helped a shit ton of people with PTSD.

      • J Lynn says:

        There’s a good discussion of EMDR & other trauma treatments in the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

      • Jenna says:

        For what it’s worth, I’m a practicing psychologist and researcher in the area. The issue with EMDR is that the purported active ingredient in the therapy (e.g. Finger wagging, eye movements) is ineffective, while other components (recounting or remembering the traumatic experience) are effective. The active ingredient in EMDR is exposure to traumatic memories as seen in the much more widely researched and empirically supported prolonged exposure therapy (a cognitive behavioural therapy).

        EMDR is prolonged exposure with some extra stuff that looks fancy but is not robustly supported by research. While EMDR is indeed listed as empirically supported by a number of guidelines (APA Division 12, NICE guidelines etc), it does not actually fulfil the criteria for a treatment to be considered evidence based practice.

        It’s like if I were to deliver CBT for depression but wear a purple hat while doing it, and call it Purple Hat Therapy. The purple hat didn’t do anything, the CBT did.

    • Becky says:

      Shit, even the front line antidepressants are barely distinguishable from placebo. If my (extensive) education in neuropsych has taught me anything it’s that whatever works for an individual is the right thing for that person to do.

      So long as they aren’t an anti-vaxxer. Those people are baby killers.

    • Jessica Sen says:

      Is EMDR proven to be more effective than hypnotherapy? I’m trying to cure my PTSD in the most efficient manner possible.

      • Jessiebelle says:

        EMDR is extremely effective for PTSD, and it’s less intensive than DBT. I’m not familiar with the effectiveness of hypnotherapy but I know EMDR is up there with Exposure therapy as the most effective treatments.

        That’s actually where the “EMDR is placebo” line comes from by the way, there are questions as to whether the effectiveness of EMDR is simply because it’s a kind of imaginative exposure therapy or if the eye-movement is key to the process. Shapiro believes it is and there’s some theoretical support to it, but no one’s entirely sure.

        Either way, it’s highly effective, just make sure the person is actually certified to do EMDR, it’s a very particular method and you never want to wing it with things like PTSD.

        • Jessica Sen says:

          Thank you. I think it has something to do with imitating dreaming? I’ll give it a try. I have PTSD ironically from being in a mental hospital. Violently treated there. Can’t believe we are so backward in medical treatment when it comes to mental health when we have intelligent mechanical robot arms.

          • Strangely Rational says:

            Jessica, I know I’m late jumping in here, so I’m not sure if you’ll see it, but anyway . . .

            I have no difficulty believing that the mental hospital has been traumatic for you, and I’m so sorry that you’ve had to experience that. My husband’s been in a long-term facility for a couple of years in the past, and he’s said many times that he’d choose prison over it in a heartbeat.

  1. monochromicorn says:

    Hey Coke, can you put in a good word for me with Elon, I decided to send my CV to Neuralink.

    Thanks, love ya.

      • Monochromicorn says:

        I’m just trying to poke at the transhuman comment.

        A: it’s never gonna happen.
        B: coke named dropped Elon musk once, and I HAD to make fun of that.

          • WrkrB says:

            Ha! It is most definitely already happening, there are some kinks though, people keep dying taking selfies of themselves in dangerous places.

          • Monochromicorn says:

            Nah, its not gonna happen in a big way. In a small ways, we’re already doing amazing things: we can change our brain chemistry with drugs, we can implant things in the brain to prevent epilepsy, and scientists have found ways to connect a brain up with a cursor or a mechanical arm that a human (or monkey!) can learn to control. But a couple things:

            1) Sending out information from neurons to control a mechanical arm (open loop) is not the same as sending out and receiving back (closed loop). Here’s an example, http://iopscience.iop.org/article/10.1088/1741-2560/11/5/056024
            but it takes advantage of existing cortex for sensory experiences of those body parts. How would you do that for something like memory, when you have to forage the new connections between concepts and create new ones you’ve never had before. I don’t know how far we’ll get with that.
            2) More importantly, you can’t make a brain you can only grow a brain, and it takes years and it needs to happen during developmentally important time periods of neuron over-growth followed by pruning (and lots of other stuff). Basically, the technological adaptations or additions you could make to an adult brain will never be that great, and adapting an infant’s brain so that it could grow into using technological adaptations or additions would be unethical.

        • Jessica Sen says:

          Sure, we’re racing against climate change, but it’s theoretically possible. Why the fuck not? Are our impulses that special and complex that it can’t be broken down into binary code logged into a server for longevity?

          • Monochromicorn says:

            You can’t download your brain into a computer. Maybe you could make a copy, but you would stay you in your own brain.

            Nope. You’re stuck.

          • Jessica Sen says:

            That’s making a presumption that we have a consciousness beyond the brain. A sort of … soul?

          • WhoAmI says:

            What happens to your brain once a copy of it has the power on tho ? Is there a connection of some sort ? And if so, is it only imagined by said brain or is it tangible ? That’s always what I’ve been curious about.

          • Jessica Sen says:

            That’s a fucking good question. You would exist as two separate but exactly identical sets of consciousness. Each consciousness would immediately experience and process different stimuli and grow into immediately distinct consciousness.

          • Monochromicorn says:

            No, there’s no connection to your copy. Why would there be? I guess you could wire up a connection, but as an adult brain you’d only have so much plasticity to learn new ways to give and reciece information on the new interbrain connection, so they’d stay most separate.

            Plus to make a copy of a brain, you’d probably have to destroy it.

          • Nona says:

            This is only slightly related to the cloning and consciousness debate, but here we go:
            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krista_and_Tatiana_Hogan
            I hate myself for being so voyeuristic, but I’m so fucking excited to check in on these conjoined twins in 10 years or so. They possess what their doctors call a thamalic bridge. Basic sensations and emotions from one twin are shared with the other. I’m so interested to see how the perception of their personhood and consciousness evolves as they get older and develop their own personalities.

          • WhoAmI says:

            Well, I only know about Lori and George and while they live together (duh) they have had very different lives. For example George only came out as transgender recently, but it certainly came to him way earlier.

        • verySleep says:

          Comments like THiS are why I wish we had a forum.
          I’m totally with you on this.

          It’s ridiculous to think that we would insert anything into our blood stream large enough to emit a detectable signal at any reasonable distance. The power requirements are far too large and they would disrupt natural activity…or…fucking cause an aneurysm #duh.

          We would have to have superconducting fMRI machines in order to read from our brains and putting a focused signal into our head is really quite unlikely to resolve in any meaningful way, especially since our brains bounce around in our skulls like an apple in a teacup.

          That said, the director of MIT suggests that we will take pills to learn languages. Not sure how that would work but he’s never been wrong.

  2. VeryOn says:

    “…even though all that was in there was personal scribbles and self-reflective stuff. I’m 24 – is this a ridiculous reaction?”

    The exact same thing happened to me, though mine was less full. Just sit down with a new one and you’ll realize the important stuff stays with you, not the book.

  3. Chris says:

    Solid across the board.

    I check out Bil Maher’s monologue and New Rules on YouTube each Monday, but when they break up the New Rules into 2 parts that are hard to find I don’t work too hard to track it down. If Neil DeGrasse Tyson is on the panel I’ll try to watch it, but it’s generally not worth my time.

    HBO meeting for Lena Dunham: “I want to do a show about how kids these days aren’t so great, but think they are.”

    HBO Execs: “Oh my god! That’s incredible. I was just bitching about that a minute ago.”

  4. Soooooo says:

    These questions r whiny af. Hi I have no real problems, I lost a journal…

    Yeah? That’s deep Bruh, buy a new one?

    But marriage blah blah blah?

    I mean, u should know the answer by now…

    Lena Dunham?

    Yeah, she’s wack

    I damn near miss the election drama.

  5. Gabriel says:

    You’re the same as a the universe and the (questionably existent) God, cokeface? Just A little bit egotistical wouldn’t y’say? Are you people hearing this? And I’m the crazy one for calling y’all narcissists? Good lord.

      • Rachel says:

        Coke talks about this all the time. Scroll up and search ‘ego’. Some of my favorite posts.

        Maybe start with dissecting the difference between ego and egotistical

    • Lila says:

      “Kill your ego. Lose your sense of self, and it’s possible to recognize that you and your god and the entire universe are all the same thing.” How does this translate into egotistical and narcissistic? Is it backwards day?

    • Sara says:

      Uhhhh, yeah that conception of the divine includes other people, who are also the same as God. It connects to the whole “killing your ego” thing. Chill out dude.

      • WhoAmI says:

        Don’t worry, he’s just splitting hairs.
        If Coke had talked about the Omega point he would have called her a heretic, and narcissistic. If she had talked about metempsychosis he would have called her a vitalist, and narcissistic.

        • Sara says:

          Oh, I hadn’t seen him before. That’s interesting. I’m just genuinely puzzled as to how someone can interpret pantheism/panentheism/ego death as narcissistic.

          • WhoAmI says:

            Those were hypothetical examples, he’s new around there. He always has something to complain strongly about too, apparently.

    • Cuttlefish says:

      It’s actually the literal opposite of “egotistical.” It’s the belief that all is one, that consciousness is the fabric of reality, that there is no true separation between anyone and anything. The great, the terrible, the neutral–it’s all you because it’s all everybody. You certainly don’t have to agree with it (most don’t), but to call it ‘egotistical’ is just plain silly.

      • Gabriel says:

        Silly? Really?? This is fucking hopeless. On numerous occasions, on these message boards, over the past few days the truth has been kicking you people in the teeth and your response has been to spit the resulting bloody mess out and proceed to explain to me, a bystander, how I need to have better defenses up around the tooth area of my face. It’s mind boggling. Sometimes the truth is complex. Sometimes its simple. This time it really is as simple as seeing someone (who has a penchant for being condescending and holier than thou (cokeface)) oh so conveniently deciding to subscribe to a philosophy that just so happens to put her on the same existential level as the fucking universe and god and, thereby, yet again, revealing her narccicism. It’s that simple and you people are simply eating her shit up. Why? Cause you’re fucking narcissists too and want to believe the same ridiculous thing is true of yourself…too…somehow…fucking crazy.

        • WhoAmI says:

          This is an advice column, and its columnist’s brand center around anonymity and some bits of “eastern philosophy”, amongst other things. So of course she’s gonna give advice. Of course she’s gonna come off as aphoristic, or even pythic. Don’t take it as condescending though (I mean you could, sure, but what’s the point of following an advice column then), instead take of it what can help you.
          If anything, your complaints remind me more of the way she used to write before (and I would have agreed with you back then, probably). Her tone is completely different now, to the point where people think she’s a totally different person than before or something.

          • Gabriel says:

            Yes, we’ll, I’ve been around long enough to know she’s an outspoken nihilist and speaks often literally condescendingly towards men and the “male perspective” or “male space”. These things don’t scream genuine humility in the least, quite the contrary. And as for her “change” I assume you have assumed that she has successfully “killed her ego”. And I’m sure she thinks she has too. But even the supposed act of killings ones ego is, really, egotistical. It supposes that it can be done when, in fact, it cannot. You can only check an ego not kill it. Because someone completely devoid of ego has no drive to do anything for themself, whatsoever. She has simply found a better way to excuse and explain her narcissism and joy! With a mechanism that says she’s the opposite of such! It may not be on a conscious level that she has chosen such a path but that’s probably because narcissism and denial go hand in hand. And as for me being the narcissist? I think you may be confusing sheer anger with true smug condescension.

          • WhoAmI says:

            Oh, you’re one of those MRA guys ! Everything makes sense now.

            (Also ; “But even the supposed act of killings ones ego is, really, egotistical. It supposes that it can be done when, in fact, it cannot. You can only check an ego not kill it.” She has said so several times. Never stated otherwise as far as I know. You’re welcome.)

    • WrkrB says:

      Gabriel has crossed (and did cross previously though I neglected to remark) from expressing a differing belief to using the alternate belief as a weapon against the expressions of different internal schemas. Gabriel’s remarks are aggressive and devoid of willingness to collaborate and can be cited as troll behavior.

    • Jessica Sen says:

      It’s Atman – all there is. We are all there is. Table is god, paper is god, we are god, sky is god, trees are god. It’s a concept of universal singularity. It’s only by elevating fictions such as “the universe” and “God” that you end up thinking her statement is egotistical.

      Sigh. Why am I even bothering? You suck.

      • Gabriel says:

        Do you per chance have any evidence of this being the case or is it straight up blind faith? Cause I’m almost certain it’s the latter for cokeface too.

        • Jessica Sen says:

          It’s the only thing that makes sense, if we want to answer the question of what god is. It’s basically – “That’s it, all you see is all you get”, nothing more complicated than that. Certainly does not create fictional idols.

          • Jessica Sen says:

            Nope. It makes fictional idols out of none of us. There is no one to idolise. There is no one to do the idolising. It’s just ideas.

        • Jessica Sen says:

          I don’t like you referring to her as “coke face”. This is a safe space she created for us to interact. It’s her home and we’ve been invited into it. Would you be so rude to a person whose house you’ve been invited to?

          • VeryOn says:

            As far as I can tell, and I may have come reasonably close to reading everything she’s posted, The Coquette only hates weak men.
            …and women.

            Come to grips with the fact that, as a white male, your privilege will evaporate before you die. That’s not condescension, or “bigotry towards men”…that’s fact.

            Also, some people aren’t worthy of attention. “cokeface” really…fucking really? grow up. Are you donald trump?

        • Nona says:

          After the singularity (if the word “after” even means anything in this context), the big bang resulted in nucleosynthesis and a couple thousand years later, the universe became cooler and gave us atom formation that we currently see in the cosmic microwave background (all permeating, everywhere). Due to quantum physics you contain particles entangled with their partner at the other side of the galaxy or the universe.

          If you want to call the singularity “god” or it’s result “atman”, if you want to be an atheist, a pantheist or a panentheist- or just a plain theist that’s fine by me. However you chose to interpret the fact the universe came into existence 14 billion years ago, and will float apart from itself into darkness in trillions of years to come, is your fucking deal.

          I lose myself in the numbers and find a sense of peace being a piece of a larger timeline (destiny). And sometimes my existential anxiety is soothed by that sensation of nothingness in everything.
          So what if ego death is narcissistic ? Scientifically speaking, you are the center of your observable universe.

          I’m not a physicist or a theologist, just a person.

          (Also, “cokeface” and going after Jessica ? Get your shit together dude, being infinitesimal in a flat infinite universe doesn’t give you the permission to act like a wanker in civil society.)

          • Gabriel says:

            Well I happen to KNOW we can, right now, look up into the sky and see rocky habitable planets, very similar to earth, and see light bouncing off of them that is hundreds of millions of years older than our solar system. That means that this universe and, likely, life existed before (and therefore with or without) humans and that we are not the center of it and are certainly not gods or godlike. To say so is pure make believe and is *not* the only thing that makes sense.

          • Nona says:

            Dear Gabriel,
            There is no center in an isotropic infinite universe. I was referring to the center of observable universes. A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, aliens would have had a different observable universe with a different center which relates to the very definition of “observable universe”.
            The more interesting topic is why you diverted a conversation about the curvature of spacetime to exobiology. We can engage in a discussion about the Fermi paradox whenever you want, but right now that would be distracting from the major issue.
            I want to say this in the nicest way possible, but you might not like it. You have demonstrated angst and hatred on this comment section, and you get a kick out of it. However, you’re being entirely transparent in revealing your massive superiority complex.
            It’s not like you’re some mass murderer Hitler kind of person. It’s that the combination of your lizard brain affect, your sympathetic nervous system as well as your lack of judgement (pre frontal cortex dvlpt) that combine. They compel you to say your ideas about advice giving are better that those of decade long advice columnist, that your ideas about sexism and gender discrimination are better than those of women, and also that your ideas about god and ego are better than those of regular people who have been studying them for years.
            The fact that you disagree is not the problem. To come full circle, the problem is that you attach to much of your sense of identity in these discussions, and you are incapable of letting go old ideas for new ones. Your ego is your problem. It will continue to alienate you from others, and make you suffer until you look your problems in the eye and accept a helping hand.
            A few regulars here are definitely eccentric, and we love to disagree. Wish you could be one of us.

          • Gabriel says:

            You don’t know why I brought up a subject that demonstrates we are not specia- ah fuck it. I’m done.

          • Nona says:

            Oh I know why. You feel superior and – oops – special, for thinking humans are not special.
            It’s hilarious, and harmless, but I hope for you that you are not over the age of 15/16.

          • Gabriel says:

            It’s also CORRECT and TRUE. Those are two adjectives you forgot to include in your description of what I was talking about and, also, two adjectives you people here seem to care very little about.

          • Nona says:

            I never argued the contrary buddy. More things are correct and true than you seem to have working knowledge of. That’s OK. Just stop being a twat, and take a minute to listen to others.

          • Gabriel says:

            And some things are correct to the exclusion of others. This is implied in the definition of correct. Why can’t you get that?

          • Nona says:

            Nope. General relativity explained every fucking detail we could observe in the solar system, yet it is incomplete.
            Your truths are incomplete, and unless you move on from being a complete idiot with no notion of how science and technology (and life for that matter) work, you will be lost in that sense of superiority that you just keep displaying.

            Tell me, what have your learned from this discussion ? That female commenters here are bitches ? Because I assure you I was more than willing to talk a lot more, about astronomy or behavior or fundamental biology.

            Really, this is your loss. I like being here and interacting with the people here, all this time you’re just cultivating an unhealthy self-disregard.

          • WhoAmI says:

            Gabriel doesn’t talk like someone who have a good grasp of science itself. The fundamental truth of scientific models is that they’re correct until proven otherwise or superseded by other, more correct models. Even the more recent ones. Even the really powerful ones. Objective truth is but a flickering light to anyone in the community who is humble enough to admit it. We just know how to build stuff that work well enough for us.

          • Gabriel says:

            I’ve said my peace. Accept the truth or deny it. Sounds like y’all are choosing the latter.

          • WhoAmI says:

            Honey, that Arca album is already one the best albums of this year. How is that for some truth to accept ?

          • Jessica Sen says:

            Gabriel, folks here are being fucking nice to you. Already, most have agreed you exhibit troll behaviour, yet we continue to engage with you at a level that treats you like a rational human being capable of intellectual discourse.

            My advice: Try to read what others are saying instead of reading what you think they’re saying. You’ll learn a great deal more this way.

            I arguably exhibited troll behaviour during my loopy months in hospital, yet this community accepted me and engaged with me. Now that I’m better, I’m just glad that there is still a space for me here, that this is a safe space I can turn to for education, sustenance, and solidarity.

            This is a great community and I hope you can change your attitude because we like to disagree, but only with people who are actually fucking listening to what we are saying.

          • Monochromicorn says:

            Whatever Gabe. I don’t buy into cokes spiritual take either, but I don’t come here to shit all over it. I do not want to be friends with people that are only exactly like me.

          • WhoAmI says:

            Same here. Most of the time me talking too much around here (no kidding), is me trying to re-explain one of Coke’s answers. No matter what you think of it, in those times it never is about me agreeing with her or not.

            I feel like the distinction between understanding, explaining, debating, and agreeing with is central to Coke’s core readership. Or at least the comments section.

          • Nona says:

            1) Psst – now that Gabriel is gone, can we at least give him credit for not insulting anyone in his last few comments?
            2) Jessica you were always the best even as a troll, and we love you.
            3) Whoami, science rules ! A lot of bad situations can be remedied by taking in a beautiful equation 😉

    • ktk says:

      Nah. For one thing, it’s a different concept of god. In this case, god’s not an omnipotent ruler—god represents universal oneness. God’s everything. We’re part of this “everything”—we’re part of god.

      However, this concept of god=everything=oneness also encompasses the idea that divisions in general are delusions, or at least constructs. So it’s less that an individual person is god, and more that our concept of division is a delusion.

      So. One person = part of the universe—but “part of” is a construct. So one person=the universe. But not solely one specific wildly special person, you know? One person=next person=stardust=whatever else=universe. There are no divisions, so there’s no separation between a person and god.

      Once you dismantle the idea of the ego—this separate oneness—how could narcissism even come into play?

  6. Soooooo says:

    Or or or, just a thought, u could stop being the comment police and just enjoy the forum. Ok? Everyone doesn’t have to think like u or agree with u. Let people comment whatever they want, and go defend a cow from slaughter or something. If the actual question askers cared as much as u do, they’d be the only ones who could legitimately try to check someone on an advice site COMMENT section. Relax.

    Let me guess ur ever so witty retort will involve grammar, another argument, a “relax” of ur own, or just some bullshit that u must say because u pulled me over for going 40 in a 35. I see the blue and red lights in my rear view mirror. Someone won’t be able to resist the keyboard strokes.

    • WhoAmI says:

      I’m enjoying a nice afternoon and you’re just spouting inflected nonsense in a loop like an angry NPC in a low-budget J-RPG, so you’ll excuse me for not answering.
      Allez, va-t-en porter ailleurs ta triste gueule de l’ennui.

        • Nona says:

          I just looked her up.
          It’s amazing, I know rue Brochant and rue Vitruve on the back of my hand from younger days. I probs never paid enough attention to notice the plaques.

          • Nona says:

            I’ve just discovered that the song only has a Wikipedia page in French and German. This is so fucked up – even as an immigrant, I’m like who the fuck doesn’t know this goddamn song ? for fuck’s sake it’s fundamentally important.

          • WhoAmI says:

            We live in times where every single Barbara song is relevant tbh.
            A song about peace between nations ? A song about abuse ? A song about living with loneliness ? A song about hearing about horrible things on the news every day ? Name it, she wrote about it, she sang about it. Skillfully so. She was a true romantic and not afraid to show it if she could soothe the pains of her listeners, if only for 4 minutes.
            (I feel silly writing about this in english but we have to teach the children !)

          • Jessica Sen says:

            Now I have to learn French. Such a fucking beautiful language.

            I wrote you guys a poem in French using Google translate:

            It’s called “Box Wine”.

            Quelle est cette vie?
            Ma rose est morte.
            Les renards viennent…
            Ils me font se sentir seul.
            Une voiture m’a couru hier,
            J’ai saigné le vin rouge.
            Tout le monde s’est éloigné,
            Ils pouvaient le sentir venir d’une boîte.
            Alors ils m’ont mis dans une boîte: J’ai essayé de leur dire que je n’étais pas mort!
            Mais mes protestations ressemblaient au vent,
            Mes larmes ressemblaient à de la rosée,
            Ils m’ont mis dans le sol,
            J’ai dit que j’étais une belle fille.

            Ils ont chanté ma chanson préférée,
            Et donc j’ai chanté le long.

          • Nona says:

            Whoami, YES we must educate the young uns on Barbara and other great French lyrical geniuses.

            Jessica, I’m currently learning French sign language (which is really close to ASL), it’s so fucking cool, because the language is so flexible, and it’s kind of like taking theatre classes (facial animation is really important if you don’t want to look like a dead fish).
            Another language I’d love to learn just for the poetry is Russian. The language is apparently very suited to poetry, and poets used to be like pop stars in the Soviet era.
            Also, Urdu, and Arabic. Yikes I can’t wait for those brain augmentation technologies (hi Elon Musk) to be able to learn new languages.

            As for French I think it’s a great language for poetry (you have GOT to get a hold of some Rimbaud poetry, I think he is you spirit animal), but it’s really hard to make it sound good in song, English is much better for that. Also, if you speak Spanish or have studied Latin, you’ve basically got a grasp of French (apparently Italian is closer, but the motherfuckers speak so fast I can’t tell). Also Spanish is way more useful that either French or Italian.

          • Jessica Sen says:

            Spanish and Chinese are the two most useful languages to know, depending on where you are located.

            I’d like to learn Latin and French and write some poetry.

            FSL? Cool shit.

    • Chris says:

      Agreed on this. I think it’s safe to assume if we’re regularly commenting here we’re all just trying to figure our shit out. No need to get obsessed with correcting people instead of listening to what they’re saying if someone figuring shit out comes at it differently than you do.

    • Cuttlefish says:

      “Stop being the comment police.” “Everyone doesn’t have to think like u or agree with u.” Your blatant hypocrisy is fucking hilarious.

  7. WrkrB says:

    “best case scenario we’ll end up with some kind of post-labor, pre-interstellar transhumanist society” !♡! Thank you for strokes of silver lining! I know the realism of “we’ll probably annhilate ourselves” but visions of better futures and better paths are powerful medicine in pessimistic times.

    • WhoAmI says:

      Yep. We’ll most probably die soon(-ish) together with our home planet without ever being able to populate another celestial body, but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try our hardest to prove the odds wrong. That’s how we roll.

  8. Soooooo says:

    Your blatant hypocrisy is hilarious! Right because I started this. Drink some water, pay ur bills, and move on because please believe that’s where I’m at already.

  9. WrkrB says:

    “It’s your sense of self that makes your idea of god more important than you. Kill your ego. Lose your sense of self, and it’s possible to recognize that you and your god and the entire universe are all the same thing.” Agreed wholeheartedly. Most of life exists in small circles with great awareness only of componentss necessary to the individual. As humans the extent to which we can expand our awareness to encompass the wonder of the world around us and work to support it and enhance it rather than deplete, damage, or oppress it will determine our fate. As Jesus said, “I have other sheep, which are not of this fold,” it is my hope that the people of the earth can unite in one heart to embrace a future of nonviolence, equality, and dignity for all.

  10. J says:

    To the new lawyer girl:

    I’ve been out a few years, and began dating online a short while after. I was dating online earlier too, before law school.

    Things have been different in the dating pool after JD compared to before. There’s a deep temptation to date other attorneys or MD’s or other “career-established” folks who look good on paper and get the stress.

    However, I’ve struggled to find more than temporary interest in prospective partners since graduating, and I’ve heard the same complaint from my peers (men and women). I’ve even discussed this with short-term partners where we couldn’t figure out why on Earth we weren’t clicking beyond having just a little fun.

    My therapist, who is also a former attorney, is firmly convinced that the early stages of a legal career are practically trying to kill us. You are accustomed to it, but make no mistake, the stress of your work is sucking up emotional bandwidth.

    As usual, Coke’s right – you’re just not that into this guy, and throwing more time after him won’t fix it.

    But for the long run, I wanted to chime in and advise you to be kind to yourself, monitor your work-life balance, and try to preserve as much personal space and emotional health as you can. It may be difficult to find that chemistry that you are looking for otherwise. Good luck and welcome to the bar.

    • Chris says:

      You’re right. Because I get it.

      Accounting is like this, too, which is why I refer to any time spent with a public firm as “having done that time” because it’s like serving a sentence.

      Honestly, for anything less than $100k it’s not worth it after a year or two of getting the skills and experience, especially when you do the tax return for a hedge fund client who works half as many hours, makes 10 times as much, and treats people poorly.

      All the while you’re working yourself into an early grave, budgeting your pennies, and having to kiss every ass that presents itself.

      At the end I finally said to a managing partner in front of the CEO and other staff, “I can’t believe I wasted all of my time and talent and passion and balls and money on business school if this is what it got me – a shit-paying desk job, and every day with you.”

      My resignation was summarily accepted – once tax season ended, of course!

        • Chris says:

          I still work in accounting – until the world realizes how lost it is without my poetry – but not in a public firm. From there I was the CFO of a company, then the CMO of another, and currently work at a law firm. Not sure what I’ll do next, but know I probably won’t be there longer than a year or two.

          • Chris says:

            Yeah, I like to write. Fiction, poetry, stuff for professional journals in my field. I think I’m good. But most days I’m the only one. Then other days I read something and think, ‘shit, I’ll never be that good.’

            But fuck it. In about 6 seconds we’ll all be dead anyway. 6 seconds after that all trace of us will be gone.

            [no, that’s not from something I wrote]

          • Jessica Sen says:

            6 seconds? In Chinese culture, a wake takes 7 days. We exhibit the meat body and everyone comes to linger and mourn. I like that a lot. My grandfather died last May – I was devastated. I love him a lot. The wake was at our house, his body lay in the living room for a week. I would sneak downstairs at night to talk to him, even though I knew no one was there. I still liked looking at him. We don’t disappear overnight, we only disappear when the people who love us die themselves. That’s what I remind myself when shit gets really bad and suicidal ideation begins.

          • Jessica Sen says:

            Not always. I did also get drunk a few times and kick the shit out of stuff while crying and asking where he went.

  11. Nona says:

    Nobody thought to comment on this, so I just had to say that this Fun Size Advice is wonderful for it’s “234” URL.
    Who the fuck doesn’t melt in awe before the timid beauty of the sequence of natural numbers ?

  12. Jessica Sen says:

    Do any of you have blogs yourselves where you post your own writing or art? I’d love to read them. I just started a fresh one myself – writing prose fiction. I’d love to share it when I have more on it, if anyone’s interested.

    • Hanbanjo says:

      http://thebanjolady.tumblr.com/

      When Coke left Tumblr I stopped shortly after and moved back to pen and paper. But in between reblogs of art and puns, you’ll find my life interspersed with my poetry and some short stories before it reached the peace I have now, albeit momentarily.

      Also, I’d be happy to read your fiction. But I feel like it’d be more interesting to read about your life.

      • Jessica Sen says:

        Thanks! I’ll check out your writing. I’m not ready to share my writing yet. The blog is new and raw. But I will shoot you a message on tumblr when I have more on it. I write both fiction and about my life.

        • Hanbanjo says:

          I have not. At least, not yet. I don’t write regularly enough. But I’ve been meaning to compile some of my poetry to turn that into something.

          Thank you for the compliment.

  13. Grace says:

    Okay, so I have a question about Gabrie;!
    I wrote him off as a troll pretty early on, and was confused when people kept interacting with him. His comments weren’t particularly interesting. Wasn’t it obvious that he was mainly interested in being disruptive, and not in conversation? And then, even as his comments became more and more ridiculous, posters continued to respond to him. They expressed disappointment or frustration in his behavior, and ultimately treated him as a rational participant despite his… Uh, everything. We kept throwing him validation, even though we’ve all been told not to feed the trolls.
    I don’t want to respond to anything Gabriel says because I know most of it is not in good faith. When I feel that someone is not contributing to a conversation, my impulse is to end the conversation. But I also wonder if cutting him off and ignoring him is right. Gabe is a human, like everyone else here, and he’s doesn’t have Nazi-level hateful rhetoric. Ignoring him is seems cruel. But maybe that’s why it appeals to me, y’know? It feels pretty good to hurt the “right” people. That goes all they way back to pre-K, when I learned to shun the problem kids.
    Anyway, I guess my question is… Why did y’all keep talking to him?

    • Jessica Sen says:

      Cause he’s angry and in pain and we don’t abandon those who are going through that shit. Nobody validated him, we just responded.

    • Chris says:

      Some will interact; others won’t. If he says something constructive to the conversation, cool, but I don’t have time otherwise.

      For example, he said: “I’m the only one who said it’s okay to say I love you during sex.” Coquette said it, and almost everyone else, so I almost relied by saying something really outrageous, but realized I have other things to do like make bad pun jokes and be up at 5:33AM on Easter when I could have (and should have) fallen asleep 5 hours ago.

      Happy Easter to those doing something for the day.

  14. Jessica Sen says:

    I feel like shit. I was supposed to have dinner and see a movie with two of my friends yesterday. They arrived late and found me at the skateboard park drinking with some teenagers. Just earlier I texted them telling them I’m mad (psychotic). They were in a hurry to leave and asked me to call them if I wanted to join them. I said I didn’t. But I guess I wanted them to reach out to me. Too pull me back in. Am I being unreasonable? I know I’m a grown ass woman and I made my choice, but I felt vulnerable as shit after telling them just how insane I am. As a side point, I’ve been drinking a lot the past two weeks and I think I’m developing an alcohol problem. I use it to numb what feels at the time like unbearable pain. I’m just in so much pain and I want it to end.

  15. Jessica Sen says:

    I called a suicide hotline today and cried my heart out for the first time since The Hospital. How’s your weekend going?

    • Barefootsie says:

      Better, now that I know you’re still around to talk about it. I don’t know you, Jessica, but please know that a stranger in L.A. is pullin’ for you. Love to you. Hope today is a bit brighter.

      • Jessica Sen says:

        I’m still here and I’m fighting. I’m done with drinking and I made a vow to exercise every morning no matter how hard getting out of bed is. I’m gonna kick depression in the scrotum. Thanks for pulling for me, stranger in LA. I’m on the way to the gym!

        • Chloe says:

          If getting to the gym ever seems an insurmountable task, you could always have a back up plan of some cast-iron dumbbells and a stretch band in your place. (Cast-iron as you can add more weight as you get stronger). As a carer for my grandmother for several years in my twenties (which has come with its own share of depression and various other anxieties (side note: I lost touch with friends and could no longer be in paid employment as she required round the clock care and many family members, as opposed to taking their fair share of the responsibility for her care which they made abundantly clear they would do at the hospital, hence her discharge into community care, washed their hands of the responsibility and left it all to me as I lived with her at the time in between looking for places to live to ironically, commute to work easier) I found getting out of bed to exercise much easier before she wakes by having those simple things in the house, and it’s an activity I can do for my needs, no one else’s. (Additional side note: Eventually something had to give and this week, after five years, she’s going back to the hospital (I feel guilty as fuck, although I know it’s best for her to have professionals not as burned out as I am caring for her) because of numerous other health and care needs which I can no longer provide.)

          P.S. sorry I hijacked your conversation, Jessica. Sending virtual hugs and warm cocoa your way!

          • Jessica Sen says:

            Jesus. You’ve been through a lot. I understand the guilt but you’ve already done your damnest and you ought to be proud of what you have done for her.

            Thanks for the tips. Going to the gym will be pilgrimage for me every day from now on. The shower afterwards will be with sacred water.

            P.S. The cocoa is delicious! I made you a cup of tea. 🙂

          • Jessica Sen says:

            Still here, slowly creating peace of mind. Suicide is silly, let’s live on. I think I’m over the hump and winter’s back is broken. Love you all. Knowing all of you exist makes me have hope in the world. Kind, decent folks in the world. I’m on a Japanese anime binge and really enjoying myself. My dog says hi. It was her birthday yesterday. Happy birthday, you are born and you are free.

  16. Jessica Sen says:

    Seriously this place moves too slowly. Some multitasking would keep me in place. I’ve run out of smokes I’m on a skateboarding park, scared as a motherfucker on a motherfucking fight. Just want to run, just want to hide, so scared of ever being locked inside.

  17. Jessica Sen says:

    Okay two Chinese guys are having a photoshoot on my right and on my left is a gang of Malay rebels. I’m on the adventure of a lifetime and no one gives a fuck.

  18. Jessica Sen says:

    I’m home before curfew and my parents are watching korean drama.

    “He saw him, he saw him!”

    “See.”

    “He should contact him right, he’s got a mother right?”

    “Yeah, this is the show. The evil twin killed the younger twin. So horrible right?”

    “How can he be so evil?”

  19. Strangely Rational says:

    Coke, I think I may have read about EMDR for the first time on your site, and I just have to thank you for that. At the time, I was highly skeptical (as usual). But my husband, who has PTSD from child abuse, needed a new therapist and had an opportunity to see one trained in EMDR, so we figured we’d give it a try.

    He has so much work to do and things are very tough right now, but I’ve been in sessions with him and have seen many transformative moments that I would not have believed if I hadn’t seen them. When he’s getting into a bad place, he has exercises he can do at home to help pull him out of it, and it really works! Not all the time, obviously, and we have a long way to go. But I’ve never seen him make this much progress in a relatively short amount of time.

    • J Lynn says:

      Thanks for sharing about your & your husband’s experience. Sounds interesting and promising. Congratulations to him on his recent progress.

  20. Whatsthisnow says:

    I interned at Bill Maher’s show in the 90s and he was a complete douche then too. Funnier, but a dick.

    Also I had an EMDR therapist who was after my money and terrible at her job. She made my traumas worse. Don’t get a shitty EMDR therapist.

    • VeryOn says:

      That’s exactly what I would expect. Thanks for sharing. I absolutely knew he had to be a funny dick as you described. And Cq is dead on with his transition to “insufferable.” The fact that he hasn’t upped his game is what makes him intolerable.

    • J Lynn says:

      Re Maher, yep exactly as I would also expect! Thanks for sharing your insider’s view.

      You know that PBS geneology show Finding Your Roots w HL Gates? One episode he had Maher and Bill O’Reilly on the same episode. Both NYC Irish heritage. Both were acted slightly annoyed w having to share an episode even though they never were on camera together. (The 3rd guest was Soledad O’Brien, a class act unlike those guys.) It was obvious that personality wise they were surprisingly similar — both very egotistical and difficult. Although O’Reilly is of course an order of magnitude megadouche worse than Maher, who seemed more of your standard-issue douche.

      Sorry you got a bad therapist. There are a lot of bad ones tbh. Kissing frogs until you find your prince(ss) is the old saying.

  21. Jessica Sen says:

    Coke, what’s with the latest album? Fuck you. Stop trying to plant me in a fucking pot. Job coming up soon, I can feel it. Everyone misses you back here, your stories I mean. I’m wearing mean panties here and thinking of you telling me to turn the shower off because California’s leaking water. Thanks for the low rent. Ciao bella.

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