Caught him fucking my sister. Him, I can dump. What do I do about her?
Be rightfully pissed as long as you need to be. Eventually forgive her, and then never trust her around your man again.

I feel like my life has no story yet.
It does. You just don’t know how to tell it.

How do you deal with people who send too many text messages?
Tell them to stop sending so many text messages. Duh. If blocking them isn’t an option, you can always just assign them a silent ring tone and ignore them.

I have the exact same position on gun licensing. So how would you feel about a birthing license?
Fuck that ridiculous hypothetical. A birthing license is an Orwellian infringement on a woman’s natural right to control her own reproductive health. (You don’t have a natural right to own a gun. At best, it’s just a legal right, which is why I have no problem with gun licensing.)

I’m an atheist at a Catholic university. What should I take to fulfill the six credit theology requirement?
Take whatever classes you can in comparative religion. Look for classes that are centered around theological critique, especially ones that infuse current scientific debate into the curriculum.

Why did you choose not to marry money?
Because of the man it came with.

Oh, I get it – Coquette sounds like “Coke Head”
Welcome to the party.