Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Is it normal for a person to keep a detailed record of every single person they ever hooked up with? With pictures and attractiveness ratings.
No. No, no, no. Nooo.

How do you deal with a relationship that has ended but the person just throws shit at you because their perception is that you abandoned them?

If you still have to deal with the relationship, then it hasn’t really ended, now has it?

What are your thoughts on the phrase: “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

It’s a tired clich√© referencing antiquated and irrelevant notions of virginity and marriage. You can safely ignore anyone who mumbles that kind of stupidity.

What do you do when you realize you have become what you fear most?

Either embrace what you’ve become or change.

Changing my relationship status on Facebook after a breakup feels stupid and insignificant, but it also somehow feels necessary for closure… I can’t figure out why.

Your Facebook profile is an expression of your public identity, and while publishing your relationship status is inherently stupid and insignificant, it doesn’t change the fact that making the breakup public also makes it official. Thus, you feel a sense of closure.

What does it take to have a woman like you, if only for a little while?

I’m not a possession, dude. No one gets to have me.

Why do women hate other women?

It’s one of the ugly side effects of the patriarchy.

My girl thinks her intense, sometimes needy love for me is getting in the way of her sexual desire for me. Do people have trouble fucking the ones that they love? Is that a thing?

It’s not a healthy thing, but yeah, it’s a thing. The two of you need to spend some time openly communicating about this. You’ve got to get to the root cause of this issue, or it’s bound to end in disaster.

How do I tell the girl I like that I’m interested in her without being awkward?

What’s your reason for telling her that you’re interested? Are you trying to date her? Fuck her? What are your intentions? Has she done anything to lead you to believe that she might have feelings for you too? Hell, is she even available? If you don’t have clear and immediate answers to all of these questions, there’s no hope of you not making it awkward.

How do I know if my girlfriend loves me?

Dude, she’ll tell you with her actions and her words exactly how she feels about you. If you’re not paying attention to what she’s telling you, that’s a minor communication issue you can fix by being present in the relationship. If you don’t believe what she’s telling you, that’s a major trust issue you need to address or it will ruin everything.

I’m caucasian and attracted to a brilliant, attractive Asian woman. There’s long-term potential, but when I think about having kids, everything stops; I want kids that look about half like me. Is this some strain of racism? Pride? If not, what the hell is it? And how do I overcome it? Thanks.

Your kids will still look like you, dipshit. That’s how it works. And yeah, for the record, your reaction is good old fashioned racism with a little dash of narcissism thrown in for good measure. Overcome it by pulling your head out of your ass.

(Check out my latest fun-sized advice over at Playboy, and fellas, feel free to send me your questions at


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