Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice.

Dear Coquette,

What’s wrong with wanting life to be like a movie?
Wish-thinking is for children and idiots. Grow up.

I’ve accidentally fallen in love with a man who is the single parent of his 1-year-old son. This is not what I had planned out for myself. What do I do?

Get used to life not going according to plan.

If she’s 26 and he’s 18, isn’t she too old for him? Or him too young for her? I know age is just a number, but there are certain limitations, right?

It’s best not to date younger than half your age plus seven. It works for all occasions.

If you had to choose one Republican candidate, who would it be?

Ron Paul. Not because I agree with him, but because I would love to see that kooky little Keebler Elf go up against Obama, make the general election a really weird conversation, and then lose.

What’s the difference between jealousy and envy?

Jealousy focuses on something you’re afraid to lose. Envy focuses on something you want to gain.

I can’t help but feel like sex is degrading to women.

That’s because you secretly hate both.

When does it stop being liberating, and start being misogynistic?

Is it rooted in a love of women or a hatred of women? Why can’t you tell the difference?

How do I reconcile the fact that I have an awesome boyfriend whom I love dearly, but who is lazy beyond belief and won’t get his act together? I want to conquer the world, but I feel anchored by his laziness.

Substitute “ex” for “awesome.” Boom. Reconciled.

How do you know if you have “the spark” or not?

Fire. Duh.

How do I find the beauty to become confident if I hate everything about myself?

You did not hate yourself as a child. Somewhere along the way, you learned how. Retrace your steps and unlearn. Forgive yourself, and get rid of the negativity.

What do I say to my friend who now wants to study homeopathy instead of nursing?

Tell your friend she’s diluted. (Get it? Deluded? Whatever. Your friend is a nutball.)

What do you do when someone demands that you do something completely nonsensical, defends it due to time constraints, and all because they didn’t listen to you two months ago during the planning phase?

Are they compensating you according to your agreement? If so, shut up and do your job. Otherwise, simply tell them no.

I can’t do it anymore.

Yes, you can.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *