I fucked up and I do feel bad and I realize I should feel bad. Still, attaching “I wouldn’t have expected this from you of all people” every time something like this happens feels manipulative to me. Am I just seeing ghosts here?
You’re not seeing ghosts. This is just you having different reactions to guilt and shame.
Guilt is realizing you should feel bad and then feeling bad, which you seem to accept. You’re okay with feeling guilty and accepting guilt. Shame, on the other hand, is someone saying “I wouldn’t have expected this from you of all people.” You’re not okay with feeling shame and being shamed. (And yes, shame is a tool people can use to manipulate, which is why it feels manipulative to you.)
Feeling guilt means you have a conscience, and that’s a good thing. Recognizing that shame might be manipulation means you’ve got a bullshit detector, and that’s also a good thing.
You want to be a person fully capable of feeling guilty. Guilt is a necessary component for a strong moral compass. What you don’t want to be is a person who is too easily shamed. Personally, I consider shamelessness to be a virtue when it’s tempered with thoughtfulness and grace.