On letting it be okay.

Dear Coquette,

I just got out of a crappy four-year relationship. I dated around and it was fun, but I recently found someone I want to settle down with for a little bit.

He has female friends he hangs out with regularly, which I shouldn’t care about, but for some stupid reason, I get insanely jealous. I want to tell my feelings to shut the hell up because really, my trust issues should not affect his life, but I can’t help feeling the stupid way I feel.

Should I break up with him for his own benefit?

For his own benefit? Shut up. Ending the relationship isn’t solving the problem. It’s avoiding the problem. You may be experiencing jealousy, but your trust issues are just a manifestation of some good old fashioned insecurity. Get over your insecurity, and you’ll be fine.

Here, let me shine a light on your problem: You hate the fact that his female friends are closer to him on many levels. You may be the one sleeping with him, but they’ve known him a lot longer than you have. They were there before you, and they’ll be there long after you’re out of the picture. Deep down, that’s the part that drives you crazy. That’s the root of your insecurity, and it’s incredibly unhealthy.

It also doesn’t help that you’re dragging along some inevitable baggage from your crappy four-year relationship. You didn’t give any details, but you mentioned it for a reason, so it’s definitely having a negative effect on your new relationship.

You have to get out from under the shadow of your old relationship. Let that mess go. Also, accept the fact that for a while in the beginning, his female friends are going to be a little bit closer to him than you are. Let that be okay, because it is.

Nothing is really wrong here that can’t be fixed the instant you decide to let some stuff go. It’s okay that he has female friends, and of course they know him better at first. It’s okay that relationships end, and that one way or another, this one will too.

It’s even okay that you’re insecure and jealous. Those are perfectly understandable emotions, and being okay with feeling them is the first step towards forgiving yourself, which is what you ultimately need to do in order to stop feeling jealous and insecure.

Don’t break up with him. That’s just giving in to your weakness. Take the time to build your inner strength and work through your insecurities instead.


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