On living your life

My husband killed himself four months ago. I’m trying to embrace the change. I really am. I’m going to therapy and a suicide bereavement group. I’m taking care of the finances and paperwork and bureaucratic bullshit. I’m talking to my friends. And I went on a date last week. And I really enjoyed it. Just dinner and conversation, but it felt so good. He asked if I wanted to get together again, and I said yes. The attention and the human connection felt really good. I was happy for the first time in a long time. The guy knows my situation. I’ve told him I’m not ready for a relationship, or even physical intimacy. Is this ok?


Yes. It’s okay.

It’s okay to enjoy yourself. It’s okay to go as slowly as you need. (Or as quickly, for that matter. It would be perfectly fine if physical intimacy was something that you needed.)

There’s no right or proper way to grieve, and the only wrong way is to fall into patterns of behavior that are harmful. You seem like you’ve got your shit together, though. Certainly as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

Shit’s still fresh, though. You know that. This guy probably knows that too, so as long as he’s respectful of your boundaries and your grieving process, let this be whatever it needs to be.

Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Live your life.


9 thoughts on “On living your life

  1. coskel says:

    OP, I wish I could introduce you to a friend of mine who had the same exact thing happen to her. Now its 20 years later and she has been happily married to and had 4 children with a great man, while having a career as a writer and artist.
    Coke said: Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Live your life.

    Please do this, you deserve it.
    Hugs and best wishes.

  2. Anna says:

    Wow, the first thing that came to my mind is “this person has their shit together” (I’m glad the answer mentioned it too).
    To the OP, I am so sorry for your loss, I can only hope time will help with your pain, and I hope you have people in your life willing and able to help you. But you sound amazing I have to say.

  3. rollertrain says:

    OP, I’m sorry this happened in your life. But you sound really, really mentally healthy. Best of luck, and love to you.

  4. Kelly says:

    I’m sorry, OP. Keep going to the survivors of suicide group. I lost my younger brother to suicide a couple of years ago, and it’s its own category of loss. Keep taking care of yourself, and don’t worry too much if the path through your grief winds back on itself some.

    • rollertrain says:

      Suicide is horrific. I’m sorry that happened in your life as well. Does anyone have any good links about dealing with grief after the trauma of experiencing a suicide? I know, google, but y’all have fantastic resources, and are very helpful with advice. Thank you.

      • Kelly says:

        I actually found Dear Coquette in the few weeks afterward – I still can’t hear “For the Widows in Paradise” or “Supersymmetry” without thinking of my brother and weeping.

        The AFSP has a lot of good resources. I also found it really helped to be around other survivors of suicide – there are support groups, the AFSP Out of the Darkness walks, the International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day in November.

        No Time to Say Goodbye is a classic book for survivors to read. It was the most helpful of the books I read.

        I think the thing I found most difficult and surprising, especially in the first year, was how non-linear my grief was. I’d feel better, then much worse, then better again. It was also terribly layered, with anger and guilt and horror. (I had spoken to my brother shortly before his death and was the one to find his body after he shot himself. If only I had gotten there sooner!) It really does get easier with time, but not smoothly or predictably.

        Anyway, I hope this helps!

        • Barefootsie says:

          I distinctly remember that “Supersymmetry” post. I think of Coquette whenever I hear it, and it also is a song of comfort for those who aren’t in my life anymore. Glad to see that post touched someone else as well.

  5. Joe says:

    I would add another wrong way to go through grief is to blame or shame yourself for going through grief. Allow yourself to go through it and accept that it’s completely normal and nothing is wrong with you. Take care

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