Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun sized advice

I’m going through an existential crisis. Any tips on making it through?
Keep existing.

Had the greatest dream ever that I met you.

Was it the dream where I was giving you head from the passenger seat of a flying version of the Ferris Bueller Ferrari? I have that one sometimes.

why do i want to move to England so bad?
Harry Potter.

What is your favorite thing about words?

Using them.

Do you look down on girls that aren’t skinny?

I don’t look down on them. I look around them. Ba-zing! (Come on, you set me up for that one, right?)

Should I get implants?
Big decision. You should probably flip a coin.

In some ways you remind me of amanda palmer
Huge fucking compliment.

Have you ever felt depersonalization or derealization?
Depersonalization? Too much ketamine. Derealization? Too much LSD.

am i pretty?
Not when you’re asking needy questions.

What are your thoughts about capital punishment?
Citizens who grant the state a right to kill them are idiots.

Every time I’m about to cum with my boyfriend I fantasize of other guys. Is that very bad or just another way of dealing with monogamy?
That shit is so fucking normal. Please stop punishing yourself for being human.

How important is a man’s hair to a woman?

Probably not as important as it is to the man, but for the love of god, with whatever you’ve got, please do something with it.

Anything to say about the US embassy cable leaks?

Whatever. It wasn’t the missile codes. It was diplomats caught telling the truth. Big fucking deal. You wanna see shit really hit the fan? Just wait for the bank scandal. Congress is gonna have a field day.

You can’t talk about Jazz without mentioning Stan Getz or Dave Brubeck… proving that you only are familiar with the outer edge of mainstream jazz. which isn’t shit.
Yes, you win. You know way more about jazz than me. Your prize is a set of gigantic, pretentious headphones, which I sincerely hope you’ll wear whenever you insist on listening to all those crusty old white guys who sound like date rape from the early sixties. Now if you don’t mind, I’ll be over here talking about whatever I damn well please.

What do you think of Santa Monica’s new little theme thing going? Those neon flowers and fish they put all over the lifeguard towers and now on taxis and the skating rink… What the hell.
Santa Monica is for tourists who like their mall with a side of beach, and the cutesy shit is all part of the new cruelty. That’s what you get when you gentrify a neighborhood where rich people already live.

What’s your opinion of Adolous Huxley’s Brand New World? I just finished reading it and I’m curious as to your opinion of it.
Sweetheart, it’s Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, and if you just finished reading it, then I’m terribly worried that you may have just proven his entire point. Oh, the horrifying irony.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *